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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Sabrina, The Teenage Boy

Written By - Nick Bakay
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina/Jack- Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda/Sonny - Caroline Rhea
Zelda/Buzz - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Valerie - Lindsey Sloan
Libby - Jenna Leigh Green
Mr. Kraft - Martin Mull
Baines - Ryan Francis
Ramage - David O’Donnell
Dolrimple - Unknown

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. The Slicery. Valerie is sat at a booth by the door. Sabrina enters.

Valerie- Sabrina!

Sabrina spots Valerie and sits with her.

Valerie- (Cont.) What took you so long? I had to fight a family for this booth.

Sabrina- I stood by my locker for twenty minutes waiting for Harvey, but then he decided to go and hang out with the guys at that stupid garage.

Valerie- Let's face it, we’ve been ditched for loud things that go fast.

Sabrina- What do you think guys talk about when we’re not around?

Valarie- Girls?

Int. Stupid garage. Harvey’s feet are sticking out from under a sorry looking car. He pulls himself out.

Harvey- Guts!

He's talking to three other guys working on the car with him.

Harvey- (Cont.) Guts are way grossed than pus.

Baines- Oh no way dude! What’s gonna make you yak in a movie? A few measly guts or a guiser of pus?

Harvey- But generally speaking, guts includes pus.

Ramage- Oh yes!

Run opening credits.

Int. Stupid garage, Two faces appear at the door window and look in. It’s Sabrina and Valerie. They see the guys larking around, throwing mock punches and generally acting like... well, guys. They enter.

Sabrina- Hey guys! The Slicery was dead so we thought we’d hang here.

Baines- It’s a free country.

The guys stop larking and suddenly get busy.

Sabrina- (To Harvey) So how’s the car coming along?

Harvey- We’re just having trouble getting it to um, you know... start.

Valerie- Are you using the right key? 'Cause that’s messed me up before.

Sabrina- You know my aunt Zelda just got her alternator replaced, maybe it’s the alternator.

Guys- (Simultaneously) No!

Valerie- Well it sure looks rad.

Sabrina- Yeah you don’t see too many low-riders in Westbridge. What does it do exactly?

Harvey- Rides real low.

Sabrina- Fascinating. Well, see ya.

Sabrina and Valerie hurry off to the door.

Valerie- (To Sabrina) Let's never do that again.

They leave.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina’s lay on the chaise lounge reading, Salem’s lay on her bed staring into space.

Sabrina- Salem, what do boys talk about when the girls aren’t around?

Salem- Boys, or boy cats?

Sabrina- Is there a difference?

Salem- Not really, cats may be a tad more political. Sabrina, when the women folk aren’t around the men can relax and open up about the big stuff.

Sabrina- Tell me what the big stuff is?

Salem- Sorry honey but in the words of the immortal bard, that’s for me know and for you to stay up at night boo-hooin’ 'cause you’ll never find out.

Sabrina- Men!

Salem- Women!

Sabrina- Cats!

Salem felt that one and sobs.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda enters from the dining room as the phone rings.

Hilda- (OS) I got it, I got it.

Hilda runs down the stairs and Zelda lets her have it. Hilda picks up the receiver.

Hilda- Hello? Yes it is... Uh-hu!... Uh-hu!... Uh-hu!... No!

She puts the receiver back

Hilda- (To Zelda) Why didn’t you get it?

Zelda- I’m a lazy bum.

Hilda- It was Sabrina’s Vice-Principle.

Zelda- Is Sabrina in trouble?

Hilda- No. He wants to see me again. I can’t believe it, the last time we went out I pepper-sprayed him.

Zelda- Next time why don’t you try this, ‘I want to go home now.’

Sabrina enters down the stairs.

Sabrina- (To Zelda) Got a sec'?

Zelda- Just one. I’ve got a lecture to get to.

Sabrina- Okay, I’ll make this quick. What’s the mystery of men?

Zelda- Let me get my calendar and see if I can clear the next decade.

She picks up her filofax.

Hilda- If you want to know how men think you have to be accepted by men.

Zelda- Which can't be done.

Hilda- Unless, you could try a turn yourself into a boy spell.

Sabrina- You're kidding, we can do that?

Zelda- No! Absolutely not.

Hilda- (To Sabrina) The last time she tried a boy spell she got lost for fifty years because she refused to ask for directions.

Zelda- Sabrina, I’m against it.

She turns to leave.

Zelda- (Cont.) No boy spells, got it?

Hilda and Sabrina wait until Zelda’s left then Hilda points towards the dinning room and the Lab-top. They both rush off

Int. Spellman dining room. The Lab-top is open and the magic book is open beside it. Sabrina watches as Hilda is mixing a concoction. She reads off the ingredients as she goes.

Hilda- Sniffs. Snails. Some puppy dog tails.

Sabrina- Uhgh!

Hilda- Synthetic. And a drop of those.

She indicates the jars before Sabrina who picks them up and begins adding their contents to the brew.

Sabrina- Ear of newt? There’s a new one.

Once added there’s a minor explosion and a large amount of smoke. The brew has turned into a ring pull can. Sabrina picks it up.

Sabrina- (Reading the label) 'Boy Brew'

Hilda- Drink it.

Sabrina pulls the ring pull and there’s a fizz.

Sabrina- Now if I drink this will I have boy thoughts or my own thoughts?

Hilda- Oh, well you mostly have your own thoughts. You just look like the guy you would have been if one of your chromosomes lost a leg.

Sabrina- Okay here goes.

She drinks the brew and gives a large belch.

Sabrina- Yikes! I’m so sorry.

Hilda- Don’t be. It just means that it’s working

Sabrina- Really? I don’t feel any... oh boy!

The spell takes effect. Her hair shrinks back into a floppy short cut. her breasts disappear and her voice drops an octave. The spell effects not only her body but her clothing as well. The skirt changes to a pair of baggy pants, her top to a T-shirt, shirt and jacket, all hanging out of her pants. She looks down at herself in disbelieve.

Sabrina- (Cont.) ...Different. Whoa! Do I wanna look in a mirror or is this to weird?

Hilda- Are you kidding?

She takes Sabrina’s arm and leads him into the living room.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda pulls the boy Sabrina in front of the mirror. Sabrina looks at his radical new look.

Sabrina- (To his image) Dude!

Hilda- Do you feel different?

Sabrina- Yes and no. I mean I still feel like me but for some reason I also sense that the sports centres on.

Hilda- Now Sabrina, this is very important. Each Boy Brew only last two hours.

Sabrina- Gotcha!

He sets the alarm on his new, boys watch. it beeps

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey! Cool chronograph. Hey! I know what a chronograph is. Cool.

He’s still tinkering with the chronograph as the front door starts to open. Hilda grabs Sabrina and throws him onto the settee and he rolls to the floor as Zelda enters.

Zelda- Just me! Forgot my notes.

She picks up the notes from the cupboard behind the settee and turns to leave.

Zelda- Bye! (She pauses) Do I smell sweat-socks?

Hilda- No. I bought... cheese. Bye.

Zelda leaves and Sabrina gets up from his hiding place and heads for the stairs giving Hilda a high-five as he goes by.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Salem, my man!

Salem, who’s sat on Sabrina’s desk reading the paper looks up.

Salem- Whoa! Adolescence is not sitting well with you.

Sabrina- I’m going to walk among you guys, see what makes you tick.

He reaches for his perfume atomiser and is about to add a touch.

Salem- FREEZE! Don’t squirt that perfume unless you want to be a boy who gets beaten up.

Sabrina- Man, that was close.

Salem- It’s not enough to look like a dude, you have to start thinking like a dude. Have you picked a name yet?

Sabrina- Kirby?

Salem- We’re back to getting beaten up here.

Int. Westbridge High School. Empty classroom. The door opens and a very female Sabrina enters. She opens her flask and drinks the contents.

Int. School hallway. Valerie’s putting books in her locker as a loud belch echo down the hallway. Everyone looks round as Sabrina enters from the classroom. He's no longer very feminine and walks past Valerie at her locker.

Sabrina- Hey Valerie.

Valerie- Hey,

She gives the boy a long look as he passes.

Valerie- Do I know you?

Sabrina- Oh, Right! The names... Jack. We sat next to each other one time when er homerooms were combined for an assembly on... the Boar war.

Valerie- I don’t remember you. I don’t even remember that assembly.

Jack- Well it was nice to see you again. I hear some dudes are customising some wheels. Don’t wanna be late.

Valerie- Right.

Jack turns and walks down the hallway, he taps a boy on his right shoulder as he passed on the left making him turn round. The jumps up to touch the overhead beam and whips a guys cap.

Valerie- (Cont.)(Calling after) Hey, Did anyone say anything about that war being on a test?

Int. Stupid garage. Jack ambles in, hitches up his jeans and strolls over.

Jack- Sweet ride. You guys need a hand?

Baines- Who’s askin’?

Jack- The names Jack. I just transferred to Westbridge.

Harvey comes round the car wiping his oily hands on his sweater.

Harvey- Hey, Harvey Kinkle

He gives Jack a firm handshake then indicating the guys.

Harvey- (Cont.) This is Dolrimple, Ramage and over there’s Baines

Baines- Jack what?

Jack- Jack Sprat... ski.

Baines- (Nudging Jack) Well don’t just stand there Spratski, give Kinkle a hand. (in a feminine mocking tone) I think he got his wrench caught in his purse strap.

They all laugh and start nudging and punching one another and Jack gets a few thumps too.

Jack- Hey, any of you clowns check the alternator?

Harvey- Good idea!

All four clowns turn to check the alternator. Jack looks pleased with himself.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda’s sat at the counter stifling a yawn as Zelda excitedly relates her day.

Zelda- ...So I told him that I felt the answer lies in magnetic resonance spectroscopy. And you’ll never guess what he said.

The door bell rings. Hilda leaps at the chance to avoid hearing what he said.

Hilda- I got it.

She heads towards the front door but pulls up short when she sees the face of Vice-Principle Willard Kraft pressed against the frosted glass. Hilda does a quick about face.

Hilda- It’s him!

Zelda- I thought you turned him down?

Hilda- I did! He must be one of those resilient losers. I’ll be your best friend if you’ll tell him I’m not home.

Zelda- I’d love to help you in your life, if only you would feign some interest in mine.

Zelda leaves up the stairs as the door bell rings again persistently.

Hilda- Okay Mr. Never-Say-Die. This calls for drastic measures.

Hilda storms off into the dinning room.

Ext. Spellman front porch. Mr. Kraft is stood at the front door checking his watch.

Int. Spellman dinning room. Hilda quaffs a tinny of Boy Brew. A deep burp precedes her transformation into a bearded, leather clad biker with dog collar and a beer gut.

Ext. Spellman front porch. Mr. Kraft is still waiting.

Mr. Kraft- Oh Women!

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda clumps across to the front door adjusting her pants.

Ext. Spellman front porch. Mr. Kraft isn’t fed up yet. The door is yanked open and he’s confronted with a rough looking Hells Angel.

Hilda- Yeah?

Mr. Kraft- Oh I’m here to see Hilda.

Hilda- Says who?

Mr. Kraft- Says me, I mean I say. Who are you?

Hilda- The names Sonny. I ride with the Marblehead’s out of er... Marblehead, and you ain't seein’ Hilda.

Sonny turns to go back in.

Mr. Kraft- Excuse me?

Sonny- What!

Mr. Kraft- D’you mind terribly if I ask why?

Sonny- Because she’s my old lady Poindexter, and if I were you I’d make like a tail pipe and BLOW!

Mr. Kraft- I am terribly sorry, a misunderstanding, and may I say also that you people just did a swell job at Alta Monte.

Mr. Kraft gives Sonny the piece sign and leaves.

Sonny- (Calling after) Keep walkin’ four eyes! Keep walkin’

Int. Stupid garage, Jack's sat on the hood of the car and the rest of the guys are stood around wiping oily hands and drinking soda’s.

Dolrimple- D’you guys check out Troy Hegman last night?

Jack- He is so hot.

Dolrimple- What’s that supposed to mean?

Harvey- Three hundred and twelve yards, four TD’s and no INT’s.

Jack- Yeah! What d’ya think I meant? His butt?

The guys laugh and Jack’s off the hook. Harvey suddenly doubles over holding his stomach. Jack's concerned.

Jack- Harvey are you sick?

Harvey lets out an impressive belch brought on by the fizzy soda. Ramage follows suit, they’re about equal.

Ramage- No ones coming close to that.

Baines- There was greatness there and yet...

He manages a better one than both Harvey and Ramage.

Harvey- Hey Spratski, are you in?

Dolrimple- Yeah, let's see what ya got.

Jack isn’t too sure about this game so gives himself a little help with a touch of magic and maybe he over did it slightly. The belch started in his toes and worked it’s way up and out where it escaped into the atmosphere and beyond. The guys are impressed.

Dolrimple- Yeah!

Harvey- Great!

Ramage- Wow!

Baines- Hey Spratski, we outa hang out. How about tonight?

Jack- Can’t, Push up’s

Baines- (To Dolrimple) D?

Dolrimple- My dads making me learn how to take inventory.

Baines- Kinkle, what’s your story?

Harvey- I might be doing something with Valerie.

All the guys rag him and laugh except for Jack who looks less than happy.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom, Sabrina (As opposed to Jack) is lay on her bed with Salem.

Sabrina- Can you believe it? Harvey want’s to date Valerie.

Salem- Well, I though you and Harvey did agree to see other people.

Sabrina- Sure, Knit pick.

Salem- You're positive he’s gonna ask her out?

Sabrina- Salem, he told me to Jack’s face. What am I going to do?

Salem- Plan A; mope. Plan B; pick up the phone and beat him to the punch. I recommend the pre-emptive strike. It’s how I took Yugoslavia.

Sabrina- I’m not asking a girl out on a date.

Salem- Not you, Jack.

Sabrina- It’s so unfair. Why does the guy always have to call?

Salem- This is one time when being a cat is better. Being in heat eliminates the guess work.

Sabrina picks up the phone and works a little magic on her throat to make herself sound like Jack when Valerie answers.

Sabrina- Valerie, what’s up?

Valerie- Who’s this?

Sabrina- Jack Spratski.

Salem- Spratski?

Sabrina- (Cont.) Aw remember we met in the hall, the Boar war

Valerie- Oh Yeah. Hey do you think I could borrow your notes?

Sabrina- I didn’t take any, er I was too busy looking at you.

Valerie- Really?

Salem- Smooth!

Sabrina- (Cont.) So d’ya wanna go to The Slicery with me tonight?

Valerie- Yeah, I’d love to

Sabrina- Okay, seven o’clock, be there. Chow!

Sabrina hangs up

Sabrina- (To Salem) She said yes!

Salem- And you said Chow!

Sabrina- Ow, UUUuuurrgh! I have a date with a girl.

The phone rings, Sabrina answers.

Sabrina- Hello?

Valerie- Sabrina! You’ll never guess who just asked me out.

Int. Spellman Bathroom. Salem sits an a shelf giving grooming tips to Jack who’s chin is covered with shaving foam as he gets ready for his date.

Salem- Go with the grain of your fur... I mean beard

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom, Jack's in front of the full length mirror trying on boys clothes looking like an extra from Saturday night fever.

Salem- Dare I say it Sabrina? You look fly.

Jack- Salem, when was the last time you had a date?

Salem sobs. Jack settles for an oversized blue and black sweater.

Salem- Oh hearts will be broken.

Jack- I can’t believe how comfortable I am. I’m never wearing a bra again.

Salem lowers his head with a shake.

Int. The Slicery, Later. Valerie’s on her date with Jack.

Valerie- I can’t believe you asked me out. I mean I haven’t had a date in practically a year. I mean I never get asked out, Never.

Jack sit with his chair back to front listening to Valerie go on and on.

Sabrina- (Thinking) Listen to yourself. This is not what a guy wants to hear.

Valerie- (Cont.) And second dates, forget it. You’d think I had an unlisted number. I don’t. It’s the same number you called for this date.

Jack- So I was just wondering you know if anyone else asked you out for this weekend?

Valerie- You’re not a very good listener are you?

Jack- Oh!

Sabrina- (Thinking) So he didn’t ask her out.

She sees Harvey enter and come over

Sabrina- (Cont.)(Thinking) Yet!

Harvey- Hey Val (To Jack) Dude.

Jack- Dude.

Harvey- I didn’t expect to see you two out together.

Sabrina- (Thinking) Maybe I can scare him off for good.

Jack- (To Valerie) Excuse us a sec'.

Valerie- Sure, the placemat has games.

Harvey and Jack move away out of earshot.

Jack- Kinkle I hope you don’t mind me asking Valerie out.

Harvey- No. It’s cool.

Jack- Good because, y'know Val and I are kinda goin’ out now.

Harvey- Oh Yeah?

Jack- Yeah. But don’t tell Val that. I mean you know how they are when they get comfortable.

Harvey- Right. Well I’ll check you two later.

Jack- You're the man Kinkle.

Jack slouches on back to Valerie.

Valerie- Oh are we going Dutch? Because I’ve only brought five dollars.

Int. Spellman living room. the doorbell rings Sonny goes to answer pulling at his leather pants where they’ve ridden up. He opens the door to find Mr. Kraft.

Sonny- Oh I thought I’d got rid of you.

He tries to close the door but Mr. Kraft jams it with his foot.

Mr. Kraft- Yes, well this may be what we in the civilised world call bad form but I have to follow my Heart.

Sonny- Well did you have to follow it here?

Mr. Kraft barges past Sonny into the house.

Mr. Kraft- Look I did not see a ring on Hilda’s finger, therefore I must conclude that it is open season.

Sonny- What If I told you we were common-law in Montana?

Mr. Kraft- Aw, she can do better than some slob in a pair of chaffs that haven’t fit since Watergate.

Sonny- Hey, aint you supposed to be home watching some musical on PBS?

Mr. Kraft- And shouldn’t you be using your unemployment cheque to buy Raisinjack? I’m not going anywhere until you find Hilda and let her decide.

Sonny- Don’t waste your time, she’s not worth it.

Mr. Kraft- Hey! That’s enough.

Sonny- When Hilda isn’t spending my money she’s yappin’ all the time.

Mr. Kraft- (Flicking at Sonny) You take that back.

Sonny- (Pushing at Mr. Kraft) Make me Haircut.

Mr. Kraft- (Grabbing at Sonny) I will.

The leather waistcoat that Sonny’s wearing has seen a lot of wear and tears at the shoulder.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) O-oh!

Sonny- Hey! That was my mothers. You're going down.

He grabs Mr. Craft and drags him down onto the floor then climbs on top. Salem's watching the action through the stair-rail.

Salem- This is better than pay-per-view.

Mr. Kraft rolls Sonny off and starts to get the upper hand as they wrestle

Mr. Kraft- What does she see in a slow witted endomorph like you.

Sonny get's a good grip and turn Mr. Kraft back on his back.

Sonny- Oh There is more to love than book learnin’

Mr. Kraft- Well I rue the day we met.

Zelda arrives on the scene at a run.

Zelda- What is going on?

She grabs Sonny by his suspenders and pulls him off.

Zelda- (Cont.) Time out! Break it up! Time out! Who are you and what are you doing in my...

Zelda recognises Sonny for who he is

Zelda- (Cont.) ...House. Oh dear lord, it’s you.

Sonny- He started it.

Mr. Kraft- Did not. Look do you want me to call the police?

Sonny tries to take a swing at him but Zelda stops him.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Because I have a very good feeling about some outstanding warrants.

Zelda- That wont be necessary.

Mr. Kraft- All right, in that case I will go. Please give my regards to Hilda and next time I’m pulling your pony-tail Suzy.

Mr. Kraft leaves.

Salem- Did you have to stop it Zelda, I had ten bucks on biker boy.

Zelda- (To Sonny) Why is it that every time you're a boy you have to start a fight?

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. Lunch time. Sabrina and Valerie are sat facing one another.

Sabrina- So how’d your big date go?

Valerie- Great, we totally hit it off. I think he really likes me.

Sabrina- That’s great! Because y’know, I know a lot of times on first dates I make the mistake of talking too much or acting really desperate or putting myself down.

Valerie- Oh you shouldn’t do that.

Sabrina- Okay, I’ll try better next time. Refill?

She picks up the two empty cups and walks off to the counter and misses Harvey arriving.

Harvey- Hey Val, d’ya wanna go to The Slicery with me tonight?

Valerie- I’d love to.

Harvey- Cool. I’ll pick you up at seven.

Valerie- Cool.

Harvey leaves and Sabrina arrives with the refilled cups.

Valerie- Hey, do you mind if I go to The Slicery with Harvey tonight?

Sabrina- He asked you out!

Valerie- Oh-no, I should have asked you first.

Sabrina- No! It’s okay, Harvey and I are seeing other people. It’s just, I thought you were dating Jack.

Valerie- Well I can juggle two guys. Wow! Two guys! This new deodorant rocks.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina’s sat crossways in the armchair with Salem lay across the headrest.

Sabrina- I don’t know what feels worse. Valerie dating Harvey or Valerie dumping Jack. I guess I’m just not ready to see Harvey date other people.

Salem- Can I give you some advice man to man?

Sabrina- I’ll try anything.

Salem- Go to The Slicery and mark your territory. Well that may be the cat talking but it works either way.

Int. The Slicery. The place is jumping. Harvey enters and holds the door for Valerie. they take off their coats and move to a table. Jack's face appears peeking in the windows. The windows are tinted lower down and he can’t see too well but there’s a clear pain a little higher. He grabs a low crate from a pile by the door and stands on it to see in. Libby arrives and looks around for someone.

Libby- (To Jack) This must be your lucky night.

Jack- How d’ya figure?

Libby- The senior I was dating got grounded so you get the privilege of escorting me into The Slicery.

She extends her arm.

Libby- (Cont.) Just chew with your mouth closed and don’t let my diet coke go empty.

Jack- I can handle that.

He takes her arm

Libby- Little did you know you’d be on a date with me.

Jack- Little did you know.

Jack steps down of the crate.

Libby- You short guys should wear a sign.

Jack pushes the door open for Libby.

Int. The Slicery. Jack and Libby enter. Libby stops and waits, Jack just looks at her.

Libby- Come on. I want to play Alley Fight before the eighth graders get the buttons all sticky.

Jack- Here’s a quarter, go and get yourself something pretty.

Libby- Very funny.

Libby goes off to play and Jack grabs a table, he looks over to where Harvey and Valerie are seated in a booth. He would love to know what they’re saying but the juke box is blaring and he’s too far away. Times like these call for a little teen witchery. Jack casts a spell on the salt cellar on Harvey and Valerie’s table then on the one on his and puts the salt cellar to his ear. He hears Valerie.

Valerie- (Over the salt seller) I mean I never get asked out, never! I mean there was one time when a guy who worked with my dad...

Jack is concentrating on what he’s hearing and doesn’t see the waiter stood by him watching. When he does he tosses some salt over his shoulder, grins and puts it down.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda (as opposed to Sonny) is sat on the settee rubbing her shoulder. Zelda enters from the kitchen with an ice pack.

Zelda- I wish you would learn that it’s never a good idea to turn yourself into a boy.

She hands the Ice pack to Hilda who holds it against her shoulder.

Hilda- Oh there was no harm done, except for those four cheese-steaks I ate.

The door bell rings.

Zelda- Why don’t I get rid of Mr. Kraft before we’re featured on Cops?

Hilda- No, that’s okay. I’m kind off starting to like him.

Zelda gives her an open mouth look

Hilda- (Cont.) Well he fought to defend my honour.

Hilda opens the door and sure enough it’s Mr. Kraft.

Mr. Kraft- Hello Hilda.

Hilda- Come on in slugger. Sorry I missed you before but er here I am.

Mr. Kraft- Yep, but I’m actually here to see Sonny. I-I just want to apologies for the donnybrook and erm maybe buy him a beer.

Hilda- I’ll go with you.

Mr. Kraft- Oh boy, that still would be my first choice, but no. I-I have to clear the air with Sonny otherwise I won’t feel right... or safe. So if he’s not here I guess I’ll just be going.

Zelda- Oh he’s here. Yes he’s in the dinning room. I just fixed him a plate of Turkey.

Hilda- Zelda!

Zelda- Hilda, there no harm.

Hilda- Then I guess I’ll get him.

Hilda exits into the dinning room.

Zelda- (To Mr. Kraft) How’ve ya been?

Mr. Kraft- Good, I’ve been very good.

A belch from the dinning room interrupts the uncomfortable silence that follows

Hilda- (OS) Sonny, that’s disgusting.

Sonny- (OS) Well you won't be hearing it much longer.

The dinning room doors open and Sonny walks in making the fist sign.

Sonny- Hey man! What it is and what it oughta be.

Mr. Kraft- Absolutely. Um Brewski?

Sonny- We’ll take my hog.

With a wave to Zelda they leave.

Int. The Slicery. Jack is still listening to his salt seller and looking across at Harvey and Valerie’s table

Valerie- (Over the salt seller) So, I guess we’re back to never.

Jack looks upset and Libby looks annoyed sat beside him with a pepper pot against her ear.

Libby- Jack, I don’t know what you're talking about, I can’t hear the ocean.

Jack- Keep trying, it’s amazing.

Libby tries again.

Harvey- (Over the salt seller) Yeah, never’s a really long time to go without a date. Listen there’s something kinda personal I need to talk to you about.

Valerie- (Over the salt seller) What is it?

Valerie take Harvey’s hand just as the waiter comes by with a tray of condiments, their closeness causing interference with the signal and Jack can’t hear what’s being said. Neither can Libby of course who continues to shake her pepper pot in frustration.

Libby- Forget it, mine's broken.

Jack can only see Harvey holding Valerie’s hand and looking into her eyes. He doesn’t like it.

Jack- Here, try the hot sauce.

He hands Libby the sauce bottle, gets up and heads for the bathroom. He nearly goes into the ladies before realising and turning into the men's. He walks up to the sink and looks at himself in the mirror.

Jack- (To self) Get a grip! Big boys don’t cry.

But it’s oh so hard. Particularly as he sees Harvey come into the bathroom through the mirror.

Harvey- Hey!

Jack- Hey Kinkle,

Harvey- Jack, are you crying?

Jack- No! I just got a wicked whiff of some of that Pine disinfectant.

Harvey- Drag.

Jack- So er how’s your date going?

Harvey- Oh it’s not a date. Can you keep a secret Spratman?

Jack- Sure.

Harvey looks around and into the stalls to check they’re alone.

Harvey- I just wanted to talk to Valerie about Sabrina.

Jack- You did?

Harvey- Yeah. She and I used to go out. We’re still tight but lately... I don’t know, sometimes I just miss her.

Jack- Maybe you should tell Sabrina.

Harvey- No! We decided to slow things down and if I told her she might feel pressured. I don’t wanna do that.

Jack- Harvey, you're the coolest.

Jack slaps Harvey on the back and gets a paper towel to blow his nose.

Harvey- Yeah, it is kinda Piney in here isn't it.

Jack- Yeah!

Harvey- A little word of warning Jack. Your mascara’s running.

Jack dives back to the mirror to see his messed up made up eyes.

Jack- (Under his breath) Oh-no! Girl stuff.

Jack’s chronograph beeps it’s warning.

Harvey- Now personally I don’t have a problem but the guys’d be all over you.

Jack- (With Sabrina’s voice) Thanks brother. (With Jack’s voice) Gotta go.

He dashes past Harvey and out the door.

Harvey- (Calling after) Nice chronograph.

Int. The Slicery hallway. Jack comes out of the Mens room frantically looking down at himself and around glad that no-one is about and ducks into the Ladies.

Int. Ladies bathroom. Jack walks across to the mirror and stares at his reflection. As he watches the spell begins to wear off somewhat unevenly. His entire left side becomes Sabrina while his right remains firmly Jack.

Jacrina- (To her..erm itself?) My right side really shouldn’t be in here.

Jacrina turns worrying about people coming in and seeing a half boy, half girl. It could raise a few eye brows and would certainly make the front page of the Westbridge Lantern. He/She leans back against the door blocking it.

Jacrina- (Cont.) Please wear off! Please wear off! Please wear off!

Whether it was a conscious effort or just panic, the Randy Travis spell worked and the Jack side of her transformed to match the other. Relieved she heads back to the mirror to make sure everything’s back where it should be.

Sabrina- Huh, I’m glad to be back.

She checks her watch, no longer the cool chronograph but pretty gold girls watch.

Sabrina- Oh I’d better hurry.

She turns and leaves.

Int. The Slicery. Libby stands impatiently waiting for Jack to return. Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Hey Libby, looking for someone?

Libby- Jack’s been in the bathroom for ever. You’d think he was a girl.

Sabrina- Sorry Libby but I saw Jack leave about ten minutes ago.

Libby- Sprat Split! I listened to pepper for him. Doesn’t he know who I am?

Libby storms off and Valerie spots Sabrina.

Valerie- Hey Sabrina! Over here. Come and have a seat.

Sabrina- Hey Val. Hey Harvey.

Harvey makes room for her.

Harvey- Hey.

Valerie- Y’know what? I almost forgot I have to bring some scungilli home for my dad. Will you two excuse me?

Valerie leaves.

Sabrina- (To Harvey) What’s scungilli?

Harvey- I don’t know. You wanna try some?

Sabrina- Yeah.

Harvey- Sabrina, you're the only girl I know with the guts to try gross food.

Sabrina- You know what’s really gross? Pus!

Int. Spellman living room. Later. Hilda and Sabrina are sat on the settee, Salem is on the cupboard behind. They are watching the sports centre.

Salem- (To Sabrina) So was it worth it?

Sabrina- Yep! I learned that the mystery of men is there is no mystery. If you wonder what they’re thinking, it’s whatever they’re eating.

Roll credits

Salem- are there any more Pork Rind’s?

Sabrina- We ate them all! When’s this male pattern behaviour going to stop?

Hilda- Soon. By tomorrow you’ll be a total priss.

Sabrina- (To the TV) Oh come on, you can catch that!

Hilda- He quit on the ball.

Salem- He heard footsteps.

Enter Zelda looking unnervingly like someone auditioning for The Village People

Zelda- Ah if you can’t take a hit, if you don’t want to pay the price then go play soccer. Am I right ladies?

Sabrina- Dude.

Zelda- Just call me Buzz.



Pic of the Week