Written By - Sheldon Bull
Transcribed By - Paul Booth
Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Valerie - Lindsey Sloan
Libby - Jenna Leigh Green
Mr. Kraft - Martin Mull
The Quizmaster - Alimi Ballard
Mrs. Quick - Mary Gross
The Too Hot Tamales - Mary Sue Milliken & Susan Feniger
Mrs. Poupiepenz - Wendy Worthington
College Recruiter - Scott Gurney
Student #1 - Aaron Nelms
Hippie Clerk - Azura Farren
Hippie Driver - Charles S. Dimaria, Jr.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Spellman Kitchen. Dinner is in progress.
Sabrina- Can I have more mashed potatoís.
Zelda- Of course.
Hilda passes the potatoís across the table to Sabrina.
Salem- And Iíll have more meat.
Hilda- Another roll please.
Salem- And Iíll have more meat.
Sabrina hands Hilda the rolls.
Salem- Hey! What does a cat have to do around here to get something dead?
Zelda- Salem, youíve had enough to eat already.
Hilda- No offence but you're turning into a furry blimp.
Salem- Moiré? Iím as lithe as a gentlecat. Besides, so far today Iíve only had ten of the twelve food groups.
Sabrina- Whatís left, chocolate and lard?
Zelda- Maybe you should try dieting Salem.
Salem- I donít need to diet because I am not fat. I am big boned.
Salem jumps down from his chair in disgust and heads for the cat flap but gets jammed half way through.
Hilda- Need a push?
Salem- You laugh; you die!
Run opening credits.
Int. Spellman Kitchen, Breakfast the next day. Zelda is doing scrambled eggs. Sabrina has the toast in and has got the jam from the fridge. Salem sits on the counter watching.
Salem- Please! One little egg, a scrap of sausage, the crumbs from your toast.
Zelda- No. Itís not healthy for a cat to be over weight. Weíre making you diet because we care about you.
Zelda takes her eggs to the table. as Sabrina spread jam on her toast.
Salem- (To Sabrina) Let me just lick the jam off your knife.
Sabrina- Oh find some self-respect.
Salem sobs. Hilda enters.
Hilda- Where are my landlubbers?
Sabrina- Refrigerator? (to Zelda) What is she talking about?
Hilda- Landlubbers! The classic bell-bottom pants that I wore at San Francisco bean in the Summer of love, during the age of Aquarius.
Sabrina- (To Zelda) Again, what is she talking about?
Zelda- The Sixties.
Sabrina- Oh, right! Peace, love and no bathing.
Zelda- Iím sorry Hilda, I threw those pants out years ago. You never wore them.
Hilda- I have been waiting thirty years for hip-huggers to come back in. Now theyíre back and my hips remain un-hugged.
Sabrina- Canít you buy another pair?
Hilda- No. That company went out when straight legs came in.
Sabrina- Sorry about your bell-hugger hips.
Hilda- Hip-hugger bells! Huh, kids today just donít know history.
Sabrina- Oh, Iíve got to get to school. Whereís my lunch?
Salem- Not half eaten and hidden in this drawer behind me, thatís for sure.
Int. Westbridge High School English class. Sabrina and the rest of her class natter as they wait for the teacher. The bell rings and Mr. Kraft enters.
Mr. Kraft- Quiet!
He walks to the front of the class and sighs
Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) I would say good morning, but I work in a public high school so there are no good mornings for me.
Someone in the room coughs with the word 'loser' lost in there somewhere.
Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Heard it.
The ever present note-pad and pen appear like magic and a name is taken.
Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Now, your English teacher, Mrs. Riley, had her baby last night. So she will be on maternity leave for the next six weeks. Thank you Bill Clinton. Anyway I will be taking over the class for her while she breast feeds and bonds. Starting tomorrow there will be a quiz every day.
Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) And tomorrowís will be on the first three chapters of ĎThe Waging of Warí by General Heinrich Von Schlect.
Sabrina- (Raising her hand) But we were studying Emily Dickinson.
Mr. Kraft- Well then I got here just in time didnít I?
Int. School cafeteria, Harveyís sat with his lunch, Sabrinaís been to the Library and got two copies of ĎThe Waging of Warí She dumps them down on the table.
Sabrina- ĎThe Waging of Warí Six hundred and fifty one pages of blood, sweat... and blood.
She hands one to Harvey.
Harvey- At least we only have to read the first three chapters.
Sabrina- It only has four chapters.
Valerie enters and sits with a light lunch
Valerie- Melon again! When do they change the yoghurt flavours at this school?
Harvey- Well one day last year they changed it to pistachio.
Sabrina- No, we thought it was pistachio, It turned out the machine just needed cleaning.
Sabrina sees one of the cafeteria ladies approaching with a mug of coffee and stands.
Sabrina- Excuse me Mrs. Poopypants.
Mrs. Poupiepenz- Itís Poupiepenz! Itís French.
Sabrina- Oh well er we were just wondering if it might be possible to, maybe, get some new flavours in the yoghurt machine?
Mr. Poupiepenz pours the dregs of her coffee into Valerieís yoghurt.
Mrs. Poupiepenz- There ya go. Mocha.
She leaves. Sabrina stands with her mouth open in stunned amazement for a moment then sits.
Sabrina- Why do we bother expressing our opinions when no one ever listens to us?
Libby strolls past and canít resist.
Libby- Maybe itís your voices. They make a sound only other freaks can hear.
Int. Algebra class. Mrs. Quick is writing on the chalkboard as the bell rings. The kids immediately start to gather their things. Mrs. Quick turns.
Mrs. Quick- Class! Donít forget to visit the College Fair this week. Everyone can have a rewarding career regardless of colour or gender, but not if you're an uneducated dolt. So please think of this as a week of discovery and not just an excuse to miss class.
Int. School Hallway. Sabrina and Valerie enter.
Valerie- So how about you doing a follow up article on college week for the paper. You know like which booths were the most popular, whoís going where.
Sabrina- Which booths had the best snacks?
Valerie- Boy, you really donít flee from controversy do you?
Sabrina- Yíknow Val, Iíve been meaning to tell you you're doing a great job as editor. You're really confident.
Valerie- Really? Could you tell my mom?
Int. School Gym. The College Fair is in full swing with booths all around. Mrs. Quick leads Sabrina over to one of the booths.
Mrs. Quick- (To the college recruiter) This is the young lady I was telling you about.
The smart young man stands and shakes Sabrinaís hand.
Mrs. Quick- (Cont.) My star algebra two student Sabrina Spellman.
Sabrina- (Laughing) Your chequeís in the mail.
Mrs. Quick- Huh! Oh ah-ah-ah.
She leaves and Sabrina turns back to the recruiter.
College Recruiter- So Sabrina, youíve thought about Franklin Lee?
He hands her a brochure.
College Recruiter- (Cont.) Itís one of the oldest colleges in America. A very long tradition of academic excellence.
Sabrina- Hey, and look at all the brick buildings.
College Recruiter- Well Franklin Lee provides a fine education and turns out leaders.
Sabrina- Being a leader sounds good.
College Recruiter- Why donít you take home one of our packets? I think you might be Franklin Lee material.
Sabrina- Cool... If you really mean that can I have a bumper sticker?
Int. Spellman Kitchen. Sabrina is sat at the table reading ĎThe Waging of Warí. Salem is sat on the table reading the label on a cat food can.
Salem- (Reading) One can for breakfast, one can for lunch, then corn for dinner? I think Iíd rather get locked in the dish washer again. Sabrina my love.
Sabrina- No! And I know you ate my lip balm.
Zelda and Hilda enter via the stairs.
Zelda- Let it go, it was a pair of pants.
Hilda- They were my favourite pair of pants that Iíve ever owned.
Zelda casts a little spell and gives the results to Hilda.
Hilda- (Cont.) Uh! I am not being a broken record. Those were my favourite pair of pants.
Zelda- Hi Sabrina.
She sees what Sabrina is reading.
Zelda- (Cont.) Oh, The Waging of War.
Sabrina- Funnier than I would have thought.
Hilda- General Heinrich Von Shlect. What a loser he was.
Sabrina- You knew him?
Hilda- I dated him. Oh he could take over a country. He couldnít pick up a cheque.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. The Quizmaster lets himself in through the linen closet door just as Sabrina comes up the stairs carrying her book and her school bag. He doesnít see her, heís a little distracted talking on his mobile phone.
Quizmaster- Let me talk to your supervisor.
Sabrina- Hey, time for another check on my magic?
Quizmaster- Hmm? Oh yeah, yeah I guess. Iím trying to get my landlord.
Sabrina- You have a landlord?
Quizmaster- What did you think, I lived in a magic lamp?
Sabrina- Actually I did.
Sabrina goes into her bedroom. The Quizmaster follows with the phone to his ear.
Int. Sabrinaís bedroom. They enter, Sabrina throws her bag on the bed and puts the books on her desk.
Sabrina- So, whatís up?
Quizmaster- I have a mouse in my apartment.
Sabrina- So why donít you just catch it and set it free outside?
Quizmaster- Itís an Other Realm mouse. Try two hundred and seventy-five pounds.
Sabrina- Iíd like to see itís exercise wheel.
Quizmaster- (Still on hold) Okay look, your assignment is to brew up something from the new home-supplement to your magic book.
With a flick of his finger the book appears on Sabrinaís desk. She picks it up.
Sabrina- (Reading) Brewing and Concocting with Two Hot Tomales.
Quizmaster- Yes. Spellís that not only work but have a lovely presentation.
Sabrina takes the book and leaves the Quizmaster to his rodent problem.
Int. Spellman Dining room. Sabrina enters with the book.
Sabrina- (Reading) 'Time-Ball' Whatís a Time-Ball?
To her surprise the book answers, or rather one of the two women in the picture answers,
Hot Tamaley #1- Thatís one of our favourite recipeís.
Hot Tamaley #2- We learned it on our trip to Atlantis.
Sabrina- So what does a Time-Ball taste like?
Hot Tamaley #1- You donít eat it.
Hot Tamaley #2- You hold it and you're surroundings become whatever decade you think of.
She presses the button on the Lab-top. It opens up.
Hot Tamaley #1- (To Hot Tamaley #2) Hey, remember those Snakeskin tacoís?
Hot Tamaley #2- Hmm, yum!
Int. Sabrinaís bedroom. The Quizmaster is sat at Sabrinaís desk still on the phone.
Quizmaster- I want that mouse out. Now he makes long distance phone calls, he listens to my CDís, doesnít put them away and he chewed a hole in my couch. Oh he denies it but I know it was him. Whether he contributes to the rent or not is beside the point.
Int. Spellman Dining room. Sabrina has finished her Time-Ball and smells it.
Sabrina- It smells like sardines.
Hot Tamaley #2- Well if it smells like sardines, then you made it right.
Sabrina- Thanks for your help.
She quickly closes the book to shut the chattering Tamales up.
Sabrina- (To herself) Okay, I guess I can go get aunt Hildaís jeans. Sixties here I come.
She holds the Time-Ball cradled in her hands and thinks sixties. The ball releases itís magic stretching tentacles back to a bygone era of psychedelia, free love and music festivals, tail fins and chrome, England winning at soccer. It wraps the tentacles around it and drags it back by mean force. Itís not a case of Sabrina going back in time, but of time coming forward to catch up until the here and now is the sixties.
Int. Spellman dinning room. Everythingís much the same if you donít count the decor that is sporting a certain Andy Warhol touch, and Sabrinaís dress sense. The long white caftan with red embroidered trim and the psychedelic head scarf that holds back her long blonde hair.
Sabrina- (Looking around) Groovy!
The Quizmaster enters still on the phone. although the phone is no longer the pocket sized mobile but a white dial up with a long lead. The spell appears to have affected everyone as he now sports an enormous afro and side burns, with a tie dye shirt he stole from Hendrix.
Quizmaster- Made a Time-Ball huh? Guess you passed.
He holds out his hand and Sabrina slaps some skin.
Quizmaster- (Cont.) Got a fro-pick?
Sabrina shakes her head.
Int. Hippie shop. Multicoloured fabrics coat the walls, with bongoís, candles, crystals, carvings all on display in a haze of scented josticks. Sabrina enters and pick a pair of jeans from the rack. Thirty-inch flares liberally patched with colourful flowers.
Sabrina- Like totally groovy.
She takes the jeans to the counter.
Sabrina- (To the Clerk) Iíd like to buy these pants.
Hippie Clerk- Far out. Iíd be happy to barter if you have any sketches or poetry.
Sabrina- All I have is money.
Hippie Clerk- Wow, thatís such a metaphor.
The clerk takes the metaphor anyway.
Hippie Clerk- Thank you.
Int. Spellman Dinning room. Sabrinaís back with the jeans.
Sabrina- (To herself) Well, thatís the end of an era.
She holds the Time-Ball and shunts time back thirty years to itís rightful place. Everything is back the way it was, except for the jeans slung over Sabrinaís arm.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Wow! Customs was a breeze.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda are sat at the table sipping coffee. Sabrina enters from the dinning room. She holds up the jeans.
Hilda- My pants! How did you get them...
Sabrina- (Interrupting) Time-Ball.
Zelda- Oh, I wondered why we were in the sixties a minute ago.
Sabrina- So everyone knew the time changed?
Zelda- No, only witches. Mortalís are under the spell.
Hilda- But it was nice to drink Tab again.
Zelda- I wonder if thereís any left. Check the cabinet.
Zelda does the finger thing and the secret kitchen cabinet opens. Sabrina goes to check for a soda thatís well past itís sell by date.
Sabrina- How sad is this?
She turns with an overweight black cat in her arms and a tin of Bernardís Chilli with Beans.
Salem- Darned canned chilli. Hereís my Christmas list, can-opener!
Hilda- But you wouldnít be able to use a can-opener.
Salem- To hit you with.
Int. Sabrinaís bedroom. Sabrina is ready for bed but is talking on the phone.
Sabrina- Iím on page two hundred and seventy, how about you Harvey?... Nineteen? Maybe we should hang up. Iíll see you tomorrow... Read! And turn off ESPN.
She hangs up and spots her magic ball on the desk.
Sabrina- Good night Time Ball.
Then she gets into bed, turns off the light and settles down.
Int. Sabrinaís bedroom. Later. Salem enters as Sabrina sleeps.
Salem- Can it be true? Do I smell sardines?
His hyper-sensitive nose leads him to the desk, he jumps up.
Salem- It doesnít look like sardines. Oh, who cares.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Salem enters from Sabrinaís bedroom and jumps up onto the linen basket and belches.
Salem- Oh, I donít feel so good. Maybe I should have chewed that thing. Well Iím too full to lick myself so maybe I should just watch a little TV.
He jumps down from the basket and heads down stairs.
Int. Spellman Living room. Salem settles down with the TV remote on the settee.
Salem- Hmm Whatís on at this hour anyway?
He clicks through the channels with the remote.
Salem- (Cont.) Infomercial. Infomercial. Oh! Hawaiian talk show. No, Infomercial. Yes! The Mod Squad, and itís a sixties marathon. An entire night of Peggy Lipton. Be still my heart, <Burp> Oh, be still my stomach.
Int. Sabrinaís bedroom. Morning. Sabrina lies asleep in her floral print nightie, under her floral print bedspread, in her bed with itís floral decorated headboard against the floral print wall paper. The alarm clock bell ring, She reaches over and stops it. Gets sleepily out of bed, her long blonde hair with itís centre parting swaying. She goes to the wardrobe and selects the long white caftan with the embroidered red trim.
Sabrina- (To herself) Where did this come from?
Sheís awake now. She tosses the caftan on her bed, looks around, looks at the rest of the clothes. They all have a sixties cut and motif about them.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Whatís going on? Howíd I get back in the sixties?
She rushes over to her desk that now supports an antique typewriter.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Whereís my Time-Ball? Oh-no! Bummer!
Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda are sat cross legged on cushions at the low kitchen table having breakfast. Zelda sports a low cut blue spotted long dress with matching head band. Hilda wears her hip-hugger bells along with an Afghan and plenty of beads.
Zelda- (Eating) This wheat-germ is excellent. I really feel it invigorating my chi.
Sabrina enters at a rush down the stairs. Sheís plumped for a beige sweater and skirt, Suede knee boots and a fringed smock. A head band to keep her long hair off her face completes her outfit.
Sabrina- Somethingís wrong.
Hilda- Somethingís only wrong if you believe itís wrong.
Hilda- Sabrina, we think itís beautiful you're playing with the Time-Ball again.
Sabrina- I havenít! Thatís whatís wrong, whether we believe itís wrong or not. The Time-Ballís missing.
Int. Sabrinaís bedroom. Zelda and Hilda are helping to search for the missing Time-Ball.
Sabrina- What are we going to do? If we donít find the Time-Ball we canít reverse the effect and then weíll be stuck in the sixties for ever.
Zelda- All right, mellow out. The only thing thatís for ever is our love for you.
Hilda- Very heavy.
Sabrina- Very creepy.
Int. Spellman laundry room. Salem enters and heads straight for the laundry basket. He takes a deep breath.
Salem- Hmm, solid. Fresh laundry still warm from the dryer. Oh to sleep, perchance to dream... of Peggy Lipton. Hmmmm.
Salem closes his eyes and gets his head down.
Int. Spellman Kitchen. Three hippie witches come down the stairs.
Hilda- (To Sabrina) Youíd better get to school or the man will lay a trip on you.
Sabrina- Do you guys have to talk like that?
Hilda- Well itís hard not to get swept away when you're dressed like this.
Zelda- But donít worry. Weíll just fill the house with positive vibes and the muses will guide us to the Time-Ball.
Sabrina- And looking! Donít forget looking.
Int. Westbridge High School hallway. The Time-Ball spell has a somewhat different effect for the mortals. For the students and teachers it not only looks like the sixties, it is the sixties and their dress and attitude reflect that. Sabrina enters carrying The Waging of War and is handed a flower by a student.
She takes it and he gives the V sign. She looks about in wonder at everything, the clothes the decor, the hair styles. She reaches her locker. Valerie is there having the hem of her skirt measured by a teacher. As Sabrina opens her locker the teacher leaves.
Sabrina- (To Valerie) What was she doing?
Valerie- Measuring to see if my skirt was long enough. I passed.
Valerie proceeds to hitch up her skirt by rolling it up at the waist until it was short enough for her liking.
Sabrina- Wouldnít it be easier to just wear jeans?
Valerie laughs and then realises.
Valerie- You're serious! Girls in pants at school? You come up with some wild ideaís Sabrina.
Enter a long haired Harvey in a fringed suede waist coat and oodles of beads.
Harvey- Hey, guess what I just bought. A sixty-three beetle bus.
Sabrina- Thatís a good thing?
Harvey- Well it only goes thirty-eight miles an hour but it is so out oísight.
Valerie- Are you going to paint it?
Harvey- You bet, total psychedelic. Be the max, to the max.
Valerie- You blowing my mind.
Sabrina- Well donít make a mess.
Valerie and Harvey look at her oddly.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Listen, I have to make a phone call. Iíll meet you guys in class.
Harvey- Far out.
She walks over to the pay phones and picks up the receiver.
Sabrina- (To herself) A dial? What kind of backward decade is this?
Int. Spellman living room. Zelda is sat on the settee tuning her zither. Hilda enters with a guitar.
Hilda- Iíve found my twelve-string
She strums a chord.
Zelda- Far out!
The phone rings. Hilda answers.
Hilda- Peace and love to you whoever you are.
Sabrina- Itís me. Did you guys find the Time-Ball yet?
Hilda- Oh right! The Time-Ball.
Zelda- Oh yeah, I meant to look for that but I got involved in my macramé.
Hilda- (Down phone) Sorry sister.
Sabrina- Look! Itís round, it rolls, it could be anywhere.
Hilda- Is that a Hi-Ku?
The school bell rings.
Sabrina- Listen, thatís the bell. I have to go to class okay. Iíll check in with you guys later.
She puts the receiver back and turns to go. No one else has moved.
Sabrina- (To a group of students) Didnít you guys hear the bell?
Student- That bell is the manís bell.
Sabrina- Okay, but you did hear it right?
Int. English class, the desks are arranged in a circle. Sabrina sit at one thumbing through The Waging of War by general Heinrich Von Schlect. Valerie sits on the back of the seat next to her, Harvey enters and sees Sabrina looking harassed.
Harvey- Whatís wrong Sabrina? You seem so up-tight.
Sabrina- Iím just nervous about the quiz on the Waging of War.
Harvey- Oh we have to stop the war. (Chanting) Stop the war! (Everyone joins in) Stop the war! Stop the war!
Mr. craft enters with shoulder length hair and a ban the bomb medallion
Mr. Kraft- Absolutely! Right on!
Sabrina- Mr. Kraft!
Mr. Kraft- (Fist raised) Power to the people!
Sabrina raises her hand.
Sabrina- I have a question about the quiz today.
Mr. Kraft crosses his arms in front of himself to ward her off.
Mr. Kraft- A quiz!? No-no-no! A quiz can only test you on what youíve been told. Not who you are.
Sabrina- So does that mean itís open book?
Mr. Kraft- Yíknow, I think Iím going to take the whole class outside today because we need to continue our discussion on the dangers of America becoming a police state.
Sabrina- Isnít this an English class?
Mr. Kraft- No! This is a life class Sabrina. Life is a life class. Huh? Itís like a song.
He runs over to the desk and picks up his guitar
Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) In fact sing with me everybody. What should we sing?
Mr. Kraft- Kum-by-ya. You're beautiful Harvey. Okay. (Strumming) Someoneís loving.
Everyone- (Singing, Sabrina joins in) Someoneís loving. Kum-by-ya.
Mr. Kraft- Beautiful. Someoneís Dreaming.
Everyone- (Singing, Joining hands) Someoneís dreaming. Kum-by-ya.
Mr. Kraft- Louder for extra credit.
Everyone-(Singing and swaying) Someoneís loving. Kum-by-ya.
Mr. Kraft- (Cocking his head) Outside.
Everyone- (Following as he leads them out singing.) Someoneís Loving. Kum-by-ha.
Sabrina- (To Herself) Okay, this is weird but at least itís not a test on a fat book.
Int. Spellman laundry room, Laundry basket. Someoneís dreaming Kum-by-ya. Itís Salem.
Salem- (Muttering in his sleep) Mmm, ah Peggy Lipton, mmm Peggy donít fall down.
Ext. Salemís dream, A dark alley, a bad guy runs into it being chased by three people. A trash can lid goes flying as Salem jumps out to block the bad guys path.
Dream Salem- Freeze sucker!
The three sixties cops running behind looking remarkable like Sabrina, Harvey and the Quizmaster complete with giant Afro pull their guns. The bad guys caught.
Int. Laundry basket.
Salem- hmm Peggy.
Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. Thereís a sit in in progress lead by that militant Mrs. Quick. Sabrina enters.
Everyone- (Singing) ...Kum-by-ya. Kum-by-ya my lord, kum-by-ya.
Sabrina- (To Harvey) Whatís this?
Harvey- A sit in.
Sabrina- Against the war?
Harvey- No. Against the lack of vegetarian food on the cafeteria menu.
Mrs. Quick- We will not eat our female friends.
Harvey hands Sabrina a flower.
Harvey- Are you in? If you're not a part of the solution then you're part of the problem. No Beef!
Everyone- (Chanting, fist raised.) No Beef! No Beef! No Beef! No Beef!
Sabrina joins the sit in as they continue the chant. She sits next to Valerie.
Valerie- Itís so exciting to be a part of this movement... and Tofu will grow on me right?
Sabrina pulls a face.
Everyone- ...No Beef! No Beef!
Mrs. Poupiepenz Enters with a megaphone.
Mrs. Poupiepenz- (Through the megaphone) I have a message here from the Principle. Starting tomorrow the cafeteria will serve vegetarian meat-loaf, Fish-sticks and meatless sloppy Joeís.
General cheering and applause.
Mrs. Poupiepenz- (Cont.) I also have a message from your parents. GET OFF THE FLOOR!
Mrs. Quick- Sloppy Joeís! How about Sloppy Sueís sexist pig.
Mrs. Poupiepenz- Oh shave your legs!
Sabrina- (To Valerie) Wow, they listened to us! I canít believe it.
Enter Libby looking very like Jackie K. in her cheerleaders uniform.
Libby- No successful guy is going to want to marry a radical. Sabrina.
Everybody jeers her.
Libby- (Cont.) Oh boo all you want. Grooming, shopping and social climbing are grand traditions that will never die... Freaks.
Harvey- Hey! Weíre all freaks, and proud of it.
Valerie- Freak power!
Everyone- (Chanting) Freak power! Freak power! Freak power! Freak power!
Libby stomps off in disgust.
Sabrina- (To herself) I like this decade.
Everyone- Freak power! Freak power! Freak power! Freak power!
Int. Spellman living room. Hilda and Zelda are sat cross legged on the floor meditating.
Zelda and Hilda- Ommmmmmm.
Zelda- I hear bells. Have I reached Nirvana?
Hilda- Itís the phone.
Zelda- (Disappointed) Oh!
She answers the phone.
Sabrina's calling on the school pay phone waving her flower about.
Sabrina- Hey guys, donít worry about finding the Time-Ball. Iím having a blast. We donít have to go to class, Everyone hates Libby and except for that fact that a few people smell, this era rocks.
She makes the peace sign to a passing student.
Int. School Gym. The College Fair is still on. Sabrina enters with a sheaf of papers, she looks around and spots Valerie. She goes over.
Sabrina- Hereís the article I wrote on college week.
Valerie- Why are you giving it to me?
Sabrina- 'Cause you're the editor of the school paper.
Valerie- (Laughing) Me! Iím a girl. Iím Secretary of the Future Home Makers of America Club, chapter seven, thirty-two.
Sabrina- Would they like this article?
She puts the article away and walks over to the Franklin Lee booth.
Sabrina- (To the Recruiter) Here ya go.
She hands him the catalogue.
Sabrina- (Cont.) I think Iím ready to let Franklin Lee turn me into a leader.
College Recruiter- I beg your pardon?
Sabrina- Iíve filled out the questionnaire.
College Recruiter- How nice for you. Why donít you just take it over to the Sarah Lawrence booth and let me do my job?
He hands the brochure back then stands to shake hands with a man in an army uniform.
College Recruiter- Hey, Franklin Lee fella. We build the leaders of tomorrow here at Franklin Lee.
Sabrina- (Interrupting) But I think I wanna go to Franklin Lee.
College Recruiter- Listen. Franklin Lee is a menís college. Now I understand if you want to get your M.R.S. but we still canít let girls in.
Sabrina- M.R.S.? Mrs! You think I want a husband?
She turns away in disgust. Mrs. Quick comes over.
Mrs. Quick- Something wrong Sabrina?
Sabrina- Iím so offended. Franklin Lee wonít talk to me because Iím a girl.
Mrs. Quick- Thatís because men rule the world, and they do it by oppressing women. Forcing us into stereotypical roles and shoeís that create permanent foot problems. Here, lets take off our braís and burn them in defiance of the misogynistic patriarchy.
Sabrina- You know what? I think I have to meet Harvey, but um maybe we could burn our underwear together later.
Sabrina escapes but is called back.
Mrs. Quick- Oh Sabrina remember. A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Sabrina has no answer to that one.
Int. School hallway. Harvey catches up with a fed up Sabrina.
Harvey- Look what I got.
Sabrina- What is it?
Harvey- Itís a new cartridge for my eight track. I canít believe we can listen to tapes while we drive.
Sabrina- Yeah, whatís next, car phones?
They reach Sabrinaís locker.
Harvey- Is something wrong?
Sabrina- Yeah! Iím sick of living in this stupid backwards decade.
Sabrina- A major college wonít even talk to me because Iím a woman.
Harvey- Why do you need college? Let's stick to our plans. After graduation we load up my bus and travel the country, just following the music.
Sabrina- Thatís not a plan, thatís a bad vacation. What about my future, my career?
Harvey- You donít need a career, you're my lady. Weíll grow our own food, youíll have my children and some day, if itís not too much of a hassle, I might even marry you.
Sabrina- Iím sorry. I stopped listening after 'my lady'.
She slams her locker door and storms off.
Int. Spellman Kitchen The aunts are having fondue
Zelda- Isnít it fun to eat cheese without knowing that itís bad for us.
Hilda- Yíknow this fondue pot would make a great wedding gift.
Sabrina enters still in a temper.
Sabrina- Weíve gotta find that Time-Ball.
Salem comes down the stairs wearing beads.
Salem- (Singing) Wild thing!
You make my heart sing.
You make everything groovy.
He jumps up on the counter.
Salem- (Cont.) Hey chicks, whatís the happís? Yuck! Fondue.
Sabrina- I smell sardines.
Salem- Interesting thought but sardines and hot cheese are not a combo you're going to want to put together.
Sabrina- No. I smell sardines on your breath. Salem you ate my Time-Ball.
Salem- No I didnít. What Time-Ball?
Sabrina- The one I left on my desk.
Salem- Oops, I mean... What Time-Ball?
Sabrina- (Sticking her hand out) All right, fork it over.
Hilda- Yeah Salem. I am getting really sick of sitting on the floor with my legs crossed.
Salem- Well what am I supposed to do? Itís in my stomach. Well by now my gleuotnum. In any case, you're not getting it.
Zelda- I know just what to do.
Salem- This better not involve a rubber glove. <Sob>
Zelda- Just getting your fur-ball medicine.
Sabrina- So we can fix time again.
Salem- But I hate my fur-ball medicine, and I donít care what it says on the label. It does not taste like bubble gum.
Salem makes a break for it heading for the cat flap.
Salem- I wonít take it and you canít make me. A-ha!
Sabrina- Unless you want a great nephew born in the back of a van named Moonbeam, GRAB HIM!
The witches dash after him.
Salem- A-ha! Your evil plan back fired. Iím skinny enough to get through my cat door. Youíll never catch me now!
With that Salem is off.
Sabrina- (Calling after) Oh no SALEM! (To her aunts) Now what do we do?
Hilda- Get a Dog?
Ext. Side of the road. Salem is sat beside a cardboard sign that reads ĎANYWHEREí Canned Heat's 'Goin' up country' is playing. A psychedelic painted VW van comes down the road.
Hippie Driver- Hey, a hitch hiking cat. Letís take him to San Francisco with us.
The Van stops, the side door opens and Salem gets in.
Int. Hippie van. Three hippies and one cat.
Hippie Driver- (Cont.) Far out.
Salem- Righteous. Let's motor.
Hippie Driver- Did that cat just talk? Or am I picking up his thoughts telepathically?
Salem- You're right. You can read my mind. And now you're sensing my great need to stop in Philadelphia for a cheese-steak.
Hippie Driver- (Blown away) Iím communicating with animals! This is so radical.
Salem- Just drive Woodstock boy.
The van pulls away and drives off into the setting sun.