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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

To Tell A Mortal

Written By - Renee Philips & Carrie Honigblum
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Valerie - Lindsey Sloan
Libby - Jenna Leigh Green
The Quizmaster - Alimi Ballard
Drew Carey - Drew Carey
Mark Langston - Mark Langston
Sigmund Freud - Timothy Oman
Gwendolyn - Caroline Williams
Parent - Natalie Strauss
Reporter - Cindy Lu
Carnival Worker - Ben Siegler
Mrs. Martinez - Irene Olga Lopez

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Salem is sat on the counter laughing. Zelda is pouring coffee.

Zelda- It’s not funny Salem.

Sabrina comes down the stairs.

Sabrina- Morning.

She gives a shocked yelp, Zelda jumps, Salem Laughs.

Sabrina- (Cont.)Why did Salem startle me?

Zelda- It’s Friday the thirteenth. The day black witch cats have the power to scare the living daylights out of people.

Salem- (Laughing) You should have seen your face. I’m going to have to stop laughing or milks going to come out of my nose. Here comes Hilda, act normal.

Hilda enters reading the paper.

Salem- Morning Hilda.

Hilda Jumps dropping the paper and giving a little scream of surprise. Salem cracks up laughing once more, thoroughly enjoying himself.

Hilda- Oh happy Friday the thirteenth Salem.

As she speaks a bat flies out of her mouth. Sabrina, Zelda and Salem watch it flutter off.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda a bat just flew out of your mouth.

Hilda- Oh how embarrassing, I have bat breath again.

Zelda- Have you been eating pomegranates?

Hilda- Well I know they don’t agree with me but I just had such a craving for that juicy crimson pulp, is it bad?

She opens her mouth wide and Zelda and Sabrina lean forward for a closer look. Hilda’s mouth is like the bat cave but with teeth and no rubber outfits.

Sabrina- Look, a tour group.

Run opening credits.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina is packing her school books in her bag. Salem is sat on her desk. There’s a flash of negative energy as the Quizmaster appears. He could at least check that she’s decent first.

Sabrina- Oh great, could we get this quiz over with because I have to get to school.

Quizmaster- Oh there’s no quiz, I just came by to tell you it’s Friday the thirteenth.

Salem- Already told her.

The Quizmaster jumps back startled. Salem laughs

Salem- I may not even take a nap today.

Quizmaster- There’s a little more to Friday the thirteenth than black cats with a sorry sense of humour.

He takes the magic book from it’s stand.

Quizmaster- (Cont.) To learn more, read about it.

He flips the book open at miraculously the right page, after all it is a magic book.

Sabrina- Like I have time for this (Reading) 'The eleventh hour, the twelfth of never, Thirteenth, Friday the' What! I can do that?

Int. Spellman Kitchen Zelda’s working on her lap-top. Sabrina comes down the stairs.

Sabrina- Why didn’t you guys tell me there’s a rule that on Friday the thirteenth I can tell a mortal I’m a witch?

Hilda enters from the back door having heard.

Hilda- Oh the one where you can tell anyone you want and they can know for a whole twenty-four hours?

Sabrina- Yes.

Zelda- We didn’t want you to know.

Sabrina- Well I heard it on the streets.

She heads for the phone.

Sabrina- (Cont.) So who should I tell? Harvey or Valerie?

Both Hilda and Zelda jump up to stop her.

Hilda- Oh Sabrina! Telling mortal’s is a very bad idea.

Sabrina- But I wanna come out of the linen closet!

Zelda- Oh we felt the same way when we were your age but you think you know someone. This is a secret that’s hard for mortal’s to accept.

Hilda- When I was young... ger I was dating a doctor. You’ve probably heard of him...

Int. Hilda’s memory, a doctors office. The name plaque on the desk reads ‘Sigmund Freud’. Hilda is lay on the couch, Sigmund sits in his chair.

Sigmund- Ah my little apple strudel.

Hilda- Oh Sigmund.

Sigmund- Are you ready for zer opera my dear?

Hilda- Yes, but first there’s something that I must tell you.

Sigmund- Ah, something about your childhood? You hate your mother don’t you?

Hilda- No!

Sigmund- Really? I hate your mother.

Hilda- Today is Friday the thirteenth and there is something that I get to share with you. Sigmund my darling, I’m a witch.

Sigmund- Vell you can be a little testy.

Hilda- No! No! I have real magical powers.

Sigmund- Ah-ha. Can you show me this magical powers?

Hilda- Well, you remember that pocket watch you admired.

She points at Sigmund’s desk a said pocket watch appears with a puff of smoke. Hilda picks it up.

Hilda- (Cont.) For you Siggy.

She hands him the watch, he stands amazed.

Sigmund- Get out of here vitch!

He backs off hiding behind his chair

Sigmund- (Cont.) Vitch! (To someone OS) Take her out of here.

Int. Hilda’s memory, Sigmund’s office. later. Hilda is being wheeled out in a straitjacket by two hospital orderlies.

Hilda- We can make it work.

Sigmund- Zis didn’t happen, it vos bad knockwurst, ja.

Int. Spellman Kitchen.

Hilda- Once I got lose I tripped him. You might say it was the first Freudian slip.

Sabrina- Well you know how guys over react, you should have told a girlfriend.

Zelda- I did, I told my good friend Gwendolyn. We were out shopping and everything was going well...

Int. Zelda’s memory, Medieval Britain. Market square. It must have been December the thirteenth because the Christmas rush is on. Zelda enters with Gwendolyn.

Gwendolyn- This is so jolly, why didn’t thou tell me you were a witch sooner? Make yon man’s britches rip.

Zelda Points her finger just as the man in question bows to two ladies, His britches rip. Zelda and Gwendolyn giggle.

Int. Spellman kitchen.

Zelda- Gwendolyn was a lot of fun, but what a blabbermouth. She told everyone she knew and then some.

Int. Zelda’s memory, Medieval Britain, Market square. Gwendolyn tells a crowd of townsfolk.

Gwendolyn- Forsoothe tis true, Zelda’s a witch.

The crowd mutters among itself, Gwendolyn looks across to Zelda smiling and waving. Zelda looks distinctly worried.

Zelda- (Voice over) They didn’t take it very well.

Zelda tries to slip away but is suddenly confronted by a group of townsfolk with torches and pitch forks.

Townsfolk #1- She made the crops fail

Townsfolk #2- It’s her.

Zelda- (Voice over) Then things really got ugly.

Zelda's tied to the well rope surrounded by howling townsfolk as she’s slowly lowered.

Int. Spellman Kitchen.

Zelda- To this day I don’t care for swimming.

Sabrina- Yeah, but by midnight mortal’s don’t remember a thing so even if they hate you, by the next day it’s over.

Hilda- They don’t remember, but you remember.

Zelda- Think long and hard about this Sabrina, if you tell someone you may never feel the same way about that person again.

Hilda and Zelda scowl at the memories. Sabrina gets up and picks up her school bag.

Sabrina- Well this was uplifting, thanks.

She takes her coat and heads for the door just as a horn sounds and there’s a screech of brakes. Salem enters when Sabrina opens the door.

Salem- Just spooked a bread truck, the street is full of buns.

Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. Valerie comes from the counter with her lunch tray and sees Libby.

Valerie- Hi Libby.

Libby- Ew!

Valerie sits with Sabrina at the next table.

Valerie- Why doesn’t she like me?

Sabrina- I’m thinking it’s a thyroid problem, why do you care?

Valerie- Because I’d love to be popular and have everyone respect me.

Libby comes past on her way out.

Valerie- Bye Libby.

Libby- I just ate.

Libby leaves.

Valerie- (To Sabrina) Do you have any plans for your free period?

Sabrina- Just my usual doodle fest.

Valerie- Well do you think you could help me study for my Spanish test? I have it after study-hall and if I don’t get at least a ‘B’ I’m toast.

Sabrina- Sure, Le ayudaré.

Valerie- What?

Sabrina- I will help you.

Valerie- I can live with a ‘C’.

Sabrina sees one of the cafeteria staff and stands with her tray.

Sabrina- Scuse me.

Quizmaster- Somebody didn’t eat their vegetables.

Sabrina- What are you doing here? You look ridiculous.

Quizmaster- Well state law says I have to wear a hair net. It’s time for a test of your endurance, we’re off to Alaska for the Iditarod.

Sabrina- Oh well what about...

Too late as the Quizmaster snaps his fingers and they both vanish from the cafeteria. No one notices.

Sabrina- (Cont.)(OS) ...Valerie!

Libby comes back in with a yoghurt as Valerie looks around wondering were Sabrina’s disappeared to.

Valerie- Sabrina? Sabrina? Where’d she go?

Libby- A nerd ditched by a freak, it’s like a movie of the week.

Int. Spellman dinning room. Zelda is concocting with the Lab-top. Hilda watches.

Zelda- Now, say goodbye to bat breath.

Hilda- Oh I hope it works

She drinks the medicine, it makes her cough and she coughs up a small fish.

Hilda- Oh great, now I have bass breath.

Zelda takes the bass, it’s still wriggling.

Zelda- Still think I’m on the right track.

Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. It’s empty but not for long. The Quizmaster and Sabrina appear. The Quizmaster in a snazzy ski jacket, Sabrina looking like Eskimo Nell.

Quizmaster- You passed. Now get to class. Mush!

Sabrina- Oh I missed social studies.

Quizmaster- You had a substitute, he spent the entire day trying to open his desk drawer.

He takes a sheet of paper from his jacket pocket.

Quizmaster- (Cont.) But here’s your homework.

Sabrina- Great, I had an easy class and I smell like blubber.

Sabrina points at herself and a breath of magic fills the air.

Int. School Hallway. Sabrina rushes out of the cafeteria back in her school clothes, bag slung over her shoulder. She spots Valerie and hurries over.

Sabrina- Valerie! Valerie! Valerie I’m so sorry I took off like that.

Valerie- I failed my Spanish test. At least I think ‘F’ means the same in both languages.

Sabrina- I’m so incredibly sorry.

Valerie- I thought you were my friend, just forget it.

Sabrina- Valerie wait! There’s something I need to tell you.

Sabrina takes Valerie’s arm and leads her into an empty classroom.

Int. School Classroom. Sabrina and Valerie enter. Sabrina closes the door.

Sabrina- Valerie you're my best friend and I’ve been lying to you. Look I’ve wanted to tell you the biggest secret of my life and maybe you’ll understand why I’ve disappeared in the cafeteria and been acting strange pretty much all the time. I’m a witch.

Valerie- I know you can be a little grumpy sometimes but...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) No, I have magical powers.

Valerie- Right, well can you show me some magic?

Sabrina- You know that sweater you’ve always wanted?

Sabrina points at the desk and a powder blue sweater appears neatly folded. Sabrina picks it up and hands it to Valerie.

Valerie- Get out...

Sabrina has a sudden horrifying vision of herself strapped into a straitjacket being wheeled away to the asylum.

Valerie- (Cont.) ...of here, this is so cool!

Sabrina- Oh it’s so cool that you think it’s so cool, and you have no desire what so ever to have me committed?

Valerie- No, but I do have a few questions.

Int. School Hallway. Valerie and Sabrina enter from the classroom.

Valerie- So that whole pointed hat, wart on the nose thing?

Sabrina- Pure Hollywood.

Valerie- So you don’t cook up potions in a big black cauldron?

Sabrina- Now that one we do.

Valerie- This is amazing! So you just point at stuff and stuff happens?

Sabrina- That’s the technical definition of it.

Valerie- Well can we point at stuff now?

Sabrina- You got it.

Valerie jumps back in fright as a flash of bright light heralds the materialisation from out of thin air of the gaudily dressed Quizmaster. he hold his finger over his lips.

Quizmaster- Shhhh!

He silently indicates for Sabrina and Valerie to go into another classroom.

Int. Another classroom. All three enter.

Valerie- (To Sabrina) Isn’t he that weird lunch lady?

Sabrina- Valerie I’d like you to meet my Quizmaster. (To Quizmaster) Isn’t this great? I can show her all my magic.

Quizmaster- Well not all your magic.

He produces a role of tickets.

Quizmaster- (Cont.) You need a ticket for each time you use magic with a mortal. (He rips one off) This ones for the sweater.

He hands the rest of the role to Sabrina.

Sabrina- Why do I need tickets?

Quizmaster- Experience has taught us that mortals don’t have a lot of restraint when it comes to magic... or firearms. Catch you later.

He turns to leave.

Valerie- Hey, pop out the way you popped in with all that lightning and smoke stuff.

Quizmaster- See what I mean? I blame television.

He exits in the more mundane manner of walking out the door.

Sabrina- It’s pointing time.

Int. School Hallway. 'Breaking All The Rules' By She Moves plays through the following. Valerie has the role of tickets, she pulls one off, Sabrina points. Libby opens her locker and is pelted by a cascade of paper and tissues. Sabrina and Valerie high five.

Int. Sabrina and Valerie walk by the principles office as a teacher comes out looking upset, like he’s just had a telling off. Valerie rips, Sabrina points and the teacher worries and concerns are forgotten as he dances off happily down the hallway.

Int. School classroom. The teacher is writing the weekend homework assignment on the chalkboard. It reads ‘WEEKEND HOMEWORK, CHAPTERS 12 - 18’ until Valerie reaches across and takes Sabrina’s hand. She taps Sabrina’s finger and it now reads ‘NO HOMEWORK. HAVE A NICE WEEKEND’

Int. School Hallway, Libby’s being chatted up by a handsome hunk and acting cool. Valerie and Sabrina come around the corner. Valerie pulls off a ticket. Sabrina does her thing and Libby cool crumbles as she sticks her thumb in her mouth and can’t pull it out. She runs off embarrassed. The handsome hunk lets on to Sabrina and Valerie and they run off delighted. The music fades.

Int. Spellman dinning room. Zelda’s still hard at work with the Lab-top looking like a mad professor. Hilda sits reading a magazine, bored.

Zelda- I’ve discovered the cure!

Hilda- Eureka.

Zelda- It’s all in this little tablet.

Hilda- Just give it to me.

Zelda hands over the tablet, Hilda pops it in her mouth and throws her head back swallowing.

Hilda- Testing, one, two, three. Yes it worked! Thanks sister.

She goes to slap some skin with Zelda but her Sister’s in full mad professor mode.

Zelda- I’m not just your sister, I’m a genius! I can end hunger! I can save the world!

Hilda- Oh for crying out loud, it’s a breath mint.

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Valerie and Sabrina are at Sabrina’s locker. Valerie spots someone coming down the hall.

Valerie- Oh no, Señora Martinez, I almost forgot about my ‘F’

Mrs. Martinez- Hola Valerie. That means hello.

Valerie- Hola.

Mrs. Martinez walk on by and Sabrina has an idea, she pulls off a ticket and points at Valerie.

Valerie- Señora Martinez, deseo disculparme por mi degradación de las prestaciones en español hoy, estaba muy nerviosa y trastornada. Si está en todo posible, realmente apreciaría una segunda ocasión en la prueba.

The sub titles read 'I want to apologise for my poor performance in Spanish today, I was very nervous and upset. If it’s at all possible, I’d really appreciate a second chance at the test?'

Mrs. Martinez- (In English) Of course I’ll give you a second exam, you’ve obviously been studying.

Valerie rushes back to Sabrina.

Valerie- I love magic! Oh there’s Harvey, we’ve gotta tell him about this.

Sabrina- No! No! Wait Valerie...!

But it’s too late Valerie’s already off across the hall

Valerie- (To Harvey) Sabrina’s a witch.

Harvey turns to look across at Sabrina. She has another frightening vision of cheerleaders and students coming after her down the hall with clubs and torches with hate in their eyes. She backs against the lockers in terror. Harvey’s voice snaps her out of it.

Harvey- Valerie told me your secret.

Sabrina- Yeah, it’s true.

Harvey- Not really?

Sabrina- Yeah. Here, have some baseball cleats.

She pulls off a ticket and points at Harvey’s feet and a brand new pair of white Baseball boots appear on them.

Harvey- Whoa!

Sabrina- I’m a witch.

Harvey- Can we talk about this?

Sabrina- Sure.

The three friends walk off. In the classroom doorway behind where they had been stood Libby sticks her head out having overheard.

Libby- (To Herself) A witch! So freak was an understatement.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Salem is lay on the linen basket. Sabrina, Valerie and Harvey come up the stairs from the kitchen.

Valerie- So what is this Other Realm?

Salem- A little place we call The Witchy City.

All Harvey and Valerie jump back in fright with hearts pumping.

Harvey- Salem talks!

Salem- And I have a pretty good singing voice. La-la-lal-laaaa!

Sabrina- And he stops. Okay we’re off to the Other Realm.

She opens the linen closet door.

Valerie- Sabrina, you're walking into a closet.

Sabrina- After all you’ve seen today, this seems weird?

She gestures them inside and closes the door.

Valerie- (OS) It’s still a closet.

Sabrina- (OS) We wait.

Flashing lightning appears round the edge of the closet door with a rumble of thunder

Ext. The Other Realm. A huge garden party is in progress with witches from all over showing their astounded mortal friends the wonders of a magical other world. Tents and stalls with banners saying ‘Welcome mortals’ selling ‘Mortals Day’ T-shirts, Ice-creams and balloons. Valerie, Harvey and Sabrina enter the crowded fair.

Harvey- Wow!

Valerie- So what do we do here?

Sabrina- Same thing we do in the mortal realm, hang out.

A seven feet tall carnival worker with a huge bunch of balloon’s walks past

Carnival Worker- Balloons! Buy your mortal a balloon!

Sabrina- I’ll take two.

He hands her two balloons and they see that he is actually more like eight feet tall, or would have been if he had a head. They all stare in surprise.

Carnival Worker- I know, I have tomato sauce on my tie.

Sabrina- So what magic does the balloon do?

Carnival Worker- Nothing, sucker.

He walks off.

Sabrina- Carny workers!

Harvey spots a stall selling shades.

Harvey- Hey I could use some sunglasses.

He takes a pair from the rack and tries them on.

Harvey- (Cont.) Wow!

A sunny beach, surfs up as Harvey rides the waves.

Harvey- (Cont.) These are awesome, you should get some.

Sabrina- I have a whole drawer full of virtual reality sunglasses.

Harvey stands by the stall arms spread for balance as he rides the imaginary big one all the way in. Cowabunga!

Valerie- Wow that’s amazing, you can look dorky in this realm too.

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Libby’s talking to a group of her friends.

Libby- Of course it’s true! I heard it with my own ears and have seen it with my own eyes. Sabrina’s a witch.

Her friends start murmuring and talking among themselves.

Libby- Okay! Okay! The next step is to decide how to use this piece of information, how can this help me?

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Hilda is cooking, Zelda sits at the counter while Salem lies on it.

Hilda- Thanks for the cure Zeldy, now I can enjoy pomegranate pudding, pomegranate compo, pomegranate pie. I like pomegranates.

Zelda- This is what it’s all about for me, enabling you to eat too much fruit.

The toaster pings beside Zelda.

Zelda- (Cont.) Oh a message from the Other Realm.

Hilda- Hope it didn’t ruin my pomegranate toast.

Zelda- It’s from Elixir Pharmaceuticals. They heard about my discovery, they want me come and do a demonstration with my subject.

Salem- Me! Take me. A whole other realm of people to scare.

Hilda- Yeah, take him, because there’s no way I’m going to humiliate myself in front of a bunch of egg heads.

Zelda- Fine! Then no more cure, and that means no more pomegranates.

Hilda- Egg head!

Ext. The Other Realm. The bring a mortal Carnival, 'How Bizarre' by OMC plays through the following. Harvey takes a picture of Sabrina and Valerie with their heads stuck through a card board cut out of a pair of caricature witches with pointy hats and broomsticks

Valerie waves to a man sat on a flying carpet

Sabrina buys Harvey and Valerie a corndog. They take a bite and when they lift them to take another they are magically whole again.

Harvey picks up a mirror from a stall. his reflection is a monkeys.

Valerie takes a picture of Sabrina and Harvey in the witch cardboard cut out.

Sabrina gets in the toffee apples.

Harvey rides the magic carpet. He stands surfing on it.

Sabrina takes a picture of Harvey and Valerie as the witches.

Harvey’s a babyface in another magic mirror.

The gang check out the water fountain. The first sign reads ‘WATER’ the second, ‘COLA’ the third, ‘CHOCOLATE MILK’ the fourth, ‘PRUNE JUICE’. An old witch comes and drinks from the prune juice tap. The gang look like they're going to heave.

Sabrina, Harvey and Valerie are sat at a table in the outdoor cafe. The music fades.

Sabrina- Okay, we only have two tickets left. So for the grand finale you each get to make a last wish.

Harvey- I wanna meet Mark Langston.

Valerie- Who?

Harvey- Mark Langston, my favourite pitcher. Four all star games and he can really bring the heat.

Sabrina- Well I’m assuming, since it’s your last wish, that’s a good thing.

Harvey- I saw him the day he no hit the Mariners.

Sabrina- Harvey!

Harvey turns at Sabrina’s gesture and jumps up in delighted surprise as Mark Langston stands behind him in his baseball uniform.

Harvey- Hey, how's it going man?

Mark Langston- Pretty good. How about warming me up?

Harvey- Sure. (To Sabrina) Please don’t let this be a dream.

Mark hands Harvey a catchers mitt and walks to his mark. He winds up, he pitches, Harvey catches.

Harvey- Oh this is great! Mark Langston just broke all my fingers!

He throws the ball back to Mark

Valerie- I know what I want.

Sabrina- If you say Mark Langston we can safe a ticket.

Valerie- No, my guys funny, he can really move and he’s so cute.

Sabrina- The Dalai Lama can dance?

Valerie- Drew Carey. I wanna dance with Drew Carey.

Sabrina smiles as a hand taps Valerie on the shoulder. She turns to see Drew Carey in a fine tux. They’re on a candle lit balcony and she’s dresses in a thirties ball gown with long white gloves and dripping with diamonds. The big band plays as Drew takes her hand and twirls her on to the floor. They dance cheek to cheek around the floor until he escorts her back to her seat.

Drew Carey- Thanks for the dance Valerie.

Valerie- This is the best moment of my life.

Drew Carey- Gee I wish I had a rose to give you. Oh I know.

He takes off his spectacles and hands them to her.

Drew Carey- Here, have these, I hope you're near sighted.

Sabrina- Was it fun?

Valerie- (Putting on the glasses) I’m never taking these off. (she looks around) Man he’s blind.

Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. Libby has called a parents meeting and one of the parents push to the front of the muttering crowd.

Parent- Excuse me! Excuse me! And you saw it with your own eyes?

Libby- That’s right, your children are going to school with a proven witch!

Parent- Oh we’ve gotta get her out.

Libby- Exactly, but first thing first. I get anything good in her locker.

Int. The Other Real. Lecture hall. Hilda takes a bite of a pomegranate in front of a crowd of egg heads.

Zelda- Now that the pomegranate has been administered, observe what happens when the subject, 'A', speaks.

Hilda- Subject 'A' has a name.

It has the desired result as a bat flies from Hilda’s mouth and flutters over the crowds heads.

Zelda- Now open your mouth wide so they can see the severity of your condition.

Hilda obliges as Salem enters the hall.

Salem- Oh good, I’m late.

He jumps up onto the nearest lap and runs across them scaring each one in turn. The audience yelps and screams.

Hilda- Hey! Take a look inside your mouths.

Ext. The Other Realm, The mortal day fair.

Harvey- Did you see, Mark Langston signed my bruise.

Valerie- You're going to have to describe it to me because I can’t see a ...

Valerie falls

Valerie- (Cont.)(OS) ...THING!

Sabrina- Valerie!

Harvey falls also.

Harvey- (OS) Aaahhrrrggh!

Sabrina- Harvey! Oh-no, not a swirling vortex!

Harvey and Valerie are spinning round within a multicoloured tornado of raw energy

Sabrina- (Cont.) Take it easy, everything’s going to be okay! Don’t panic! (Under her breath) This is bad, this is very bad!

The headless carnival worker wanders by.

Sabrina- Hey, help me! My friends are swirling!

Carnival Worker- Why don’t you just zap them out?

Sabrina- I’m out of tickets.

Carnival Worker- Oh, I guess you lost your head.

Int. The Other Realm Lecture hall.

Zelda- My findings suggested that if I took two parts phoric acid and combined it with the shells of dung beetles

Hilda- You said those were raisins, yuck!

Salem- Hmm what a snore. <yawn!> I need a little fresh air and a Laté.

Salem jumps down from his chair and heads out.

Ext. The Other Realm, The mortal day fair. Harvey and Valerie are still swirling helplessly.

Carnival Worker- (Touting) Come see the mortals in the vortex, only two tickets.

Sabrina- (Shouting) Reach for my hand.

She holds out her hand into the vortex and her sleeve is pulled off from the shoulder.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh why didn’t I listen to my aunts? Harvey and Valerie are going to be sucked into oblivion and if they come out alive they’re going to think I’m a monster.

Carnival Worker- Come on o-blivion!

Sabrina- Hey you’ve got tickets! Gimme tickets! Please?

Carnival Worker- No, they’re mine.

Sabrina- Come on you headless goon!

Salem comes running through the carnival crowd.

Salem- Yo Sabrina, I just had twenty Latés

Carnival Worker- (Startled) Wah! Cat!

He jumps back and falls into the swirling vortex but the tickets fly from his hand and Sabrina catches them.

Sabrina- Stop the vortex!

She throws all the tickets into the vortex just to make sure and looks down into it.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Are you guys okay?

Carnival Worker- (As he sails over her head) I’m Fine!

Sabrina- Thanks for the tickets.

Harvey and Valerie are also ejected from the vortex before it closes. They land with a bump and climb up dusting themselves off, something isn’t quite right.

Sabrina- You guys hate me don’t you?

Harvey- No, but I’m beginning to understand why Scotsmen wear kilts.

As they’d swirled in the magical energy they had somehow switched clothes. Harvey doesn’t have bad legs.

Harvey- (Cont.) Nice and breezy.

Valerie- We’ve gotta get a picture of this.

Sabrina hands the camera to the carnival worker.

Sabrina- Do one nice thing today?

Carnival Worker- (Taking the camera) Oh all right but I have to warn ya, I tend to cut peoples heads off.

The three friends get together and the carnival worker takes the snap.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina, Harvey and Valerie come down the stairs, the latter back in their own clothes.

Valerie- Oh I forgot, here’s your sleeve.

Sabrina- Wow! You guys were near death and you still managed to save my sleeve.

Harvey- Near death?

Sabrina- Anyway, thanks for everything. You know being a witch is so much more fun when you can tell your friends.

Valerie- You're so lucky, the only secret I have is that I’m allergic to water melon... Well that’s out.

There’s an insistent pounding at the front door. Sabrina answers it.

Libby- There’s the witch!

A crowd of news people with microphones and camera’s crowd into the doorway, flashes go off in Sabrina’s face.

News Reporter- Is it true you have magical powers?

Libby- Don’t ask her, she won’t admit to anything. Ask them.

Pointing at Valerie and Harvey.

Libby- (Cont.) They’ll corroborate my story.

Harvey- What’s this all about?

Libby- Come on Harvey, I’ve got a book deal in the works and a piece of it could be yours.

Harvey- Libby, are you having another episode?

Libby- Forget him, he’s been under her spell since she first flew in. Tell them Valerie.

Valerie- No.

Libby- You know it’s the truth. If you back me up on this I won’t forget about it. None of the popular girls will.

Valerie looks at Sabrina and Sabrina knows how much it means to Valerie to be accepted by the 'in crowd' at school. Sabrina’s sure at that moment that Libby has won and she’ll be exposed on national TV. Libby knows it too and smiles triumphantly. Valerie looks at Sabrina.

Valerie- I hate to do this but... I have no idea what you're talking about.

Libby- You freaks are so infuriating!

News reporter- Looks like another high school prank.

All the news hounds turn to leave.

Libby- (Calling after) She is a witch! And an extra terrestrial! We’ll do an Alien autopsy.

She runs off after the news people. Sabrina turns to her friends.

Sabrina- You guys!

Valerie- Wow, it’s after midnight. My parents are going to wonder where I’ve been.

There’s a tingle of magic as she walks through the door. She turns.

Valerie- (Cont.) Where have I been?

Sabrina- Just... hanging out.

Valerie takes the spectacles from the top of her head and looks at them oddly. Harvey flexes his hand in pain.

Harvey- Oh man, my hand is throbbing and I’ve got a little motion sickness. Did we break any laws?

Sabrina- Not really. See ya.

She waves them off before closing the door and leaning back against it with a happy smile.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda’s behind the counter, Zelda walks in from the dinning room holding something behind her back. Hilda runs round the counter.

Hilda- Oh what are you hiding sneaky? What is it?

Zelda- Nothing, it’s just a package of bat breath savers.

Hilda’s insistent so Zelda hands them over. Hilda looks and becomes angry.

Hilda- (Reading the wrapper) 'Kills Hildatosis'!

It's a Tic-Tac type container with a picture of Hilda with a bat across her mouth on the label. She isn’t amused.

Hilda- (Cont.) How could you? Look at my hair!

Zelda- Well at least you can eat all the pomegranates you want.

Hilda- I’m sick of pomegranates

They both sit across from each other at the table and Sabrina enters from the living room, her missing sleeve magically restored, and sits between them.

Sabrina- Hey are you still up?

Zelda- Yes. So how was your day?

Sabrina- Well I told Valerie and Valerie told Harvey that I’m a witch.

Hilda- Oh how did it go?

Zelda- Honey are you okay?

Sabrina- You were right, I’ll never feel the same way about Valerie or Harvey again.

Zelda puts a comforting arm around Sabrina's shoulder.

Zelda- Really?

Sabrina looks down at the pictures of her day. The last one is the one taken by the carnival worker with Harvey wearing Valerie's dress.

Sabrina- Yeah. I like them so much more.

Hilda- How come you have better friends that we did?

Int. Spellman living room. The trio of witches enter from the dining room.

Sabrina- So no matter how many people Libby told, they’ve all forgotten by now.

Zelda- That’s the way it works.

Run credits.

Sabrina- Good, because I just wanted to make sure that I wasn’t going to be burned at the stake at school on Monday.

They see Salem asleep on the settee, he’s snoring loudly.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh he had some Friday the thirteenth.

Zelda- Poor little guy, wore himself out.

Hilda- Oh he looks so peaceful... should we?

They all look at each other and without a word passing between them they all cast a spell. A loud air horn blasts the quiet, Salem jumps vertically in terror as the witches laugh. He lands in the light shade and looks down.



Pic of the Week