Written By - Charlie Tercek
Transcribed By - Paul Booth
Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Libby - Jenna Leigh Green
Johnny Mathis - Johnny Mathis
Bob - John Ratzenberger
Dr. Bull - Jane Carr
Ted - Steven Shenbaum
Fritz - Cork Hubbert
Mr. Glass - Kim Delgado
Russell - Richard Taylor Olson
Russian Peasant - Sergey Brusilovsky
Inner Child - Emily Malinowski
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina is lay on the settee writing, Salem sits in his favourite spot on the cupboard behind. Hilda and Zelda are arranging flowers around the room.
Hilda- I love this time of year. Christmas carols, sleigh rides, gigantic electric bills.
Zelda- Sabrina, do you want to give us a hand?
Sabrina- In a second, Iím revising my Christmas wish list. This year Iím hoping for a computer, a mountain bike, oh and this great ski jacket I saw at the mall.
Salem- You're not exactly the little match girl are ya?
Zelda- Those sound pretty expensive Sabrina.
Sabrina- I know, thatís why Iíve prepared a list of back up gift ideas in a variety of price ranges.
She opens out the list and it stretches to the floor and then some and gives it to Zelda.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Gotta go.
She grabs her bag but stops before reaching the door.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh and youíll note on the bottom Iíve listed the times I wonít be around so you can wrap my presents.
Hilda- (To Zelda) Donít worry. I went through that 'gimme' phase, itíll pass.
They get back to arrange the Christmas decorations. Zelda arranges the nativity models.
Zelda- You're right.
Hilda- Hey! Gimme that wise man.
Zelda- Well I guess weíre almost finished decorating except for the tree.
Hilda points at a spot by the French windows and a huge burst of smoke fills the room. When it clears thereís a beautifully decorated Christmas tree standing there.
Zelda- (Cont.) You know, itís lovely but Christmas is a mortal holiday. Shouldnít we do the tree the mortal way?
Hilda- Okay, Iíll conjure up a plastic one.
Zelda- No, I meant shouldnít we go and buy a tree and decorate it by hand?
Hilda- All right.
Zelda points at the tree and with just a shimmer of sparkles it vanishes. The sisterís head for the door but Zelda comes to a stop.
Zelda- Where do they sell trees?
Hilda- The forest?
Run opening credits.
Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Harvey and Sabrina walk towards the lockers.
Sabrina- So I canít decide whether I shoot for ĎAí The computer and the mountain bike. ĎBí The computer and the ski jacket or ĎCí All of the above.
Harvey- Boy Iíd hate to be there if you got a savings bond.
Sabrina- Hey do you want to go to the mall with me this afternoon and do some important Christmas present research?
Harvey- Canít, I gotta work. Got a job at Hillmanís as a Santa Claus.
Sabrina- Is that just for the holiday season?
Harvey- Itís an okay job but what really bothers me is when the little kids go home thinking theyíre going to get everything they asked for. A lot of them are going to be awfully disappointed.
Sabrina- Awe poor kids. So should I ask for a helmet with the mountain bike or do you think thatís just implied?
Int. History class.
Mr. Glass- So the American army was defeated at Brandywine and...
Sabrinaís not listening. She has other things on her mind.
Sabrina- (Thinking) Should I get the mountain bike or the jacket? Definitely the mountain bike.
The teachers voice breaks through her thoughts.
Mr. Glass- ...George Washington relocated to Valley Forge...
Sabrina- (Thinking) Mountain bike? George Washington?
Her thoughts drift to day-dreams as she sees George Washington ride into the class room on a mountain bike and start doing tricks on it. He bounces it on the front wheel. Sabrina smiles at the mental image.
George Washington- Sabrina? Sabrina?
Her smile broadens.
Mr. Glass- (Insistent) Sabrina!
She snaps out of it to see the teacher stood over her.
Mr. Glass- (Cont.) Weíre talking about a very bloody war, why are you smiling?
Sabrina- Because... Iíve been de-sensitised by popular culture?
Int. Spellman living room. Hilda and Zelda have managed to purchase a tree and are attempting to fit a plastic base to it with limited success. Hilda holds the tree up while Zelda tries to force the base on the end.
Salem- Oh I see. First you kill the tree and then you humiliate it.
Zelda- Doing mortal things the mortal way just feels right.
Hilda- My thumbs are numb.
Zelda- You know I was thinking, when weíve finished with the tree then we can roast some chestnuts the mortal way.
Hilda- Oh good grief, whatís next? Driving to the store?
Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. Sabrina meets Harvey as he comes from the counter.
Sabrina- Hey, whatíd ya get?
Harvey- Let's see? Meat glop, fruit glop, vegetable glop and... glop glop.
Sabrina- Yum, save me a seat?
Harvey goes to grab a table while Sabrina heads for the counter but she stops before she gets there.
Sabrina- (To herself) Now what sounds edible? A baked potato.
She points at her tray.
Int. Russian peasants hovel. Siberia. The Russian peasant is just settling down to his baked potato supper when it vanishes from his plate. He stares at his empty plate, looks underneath it.
Russian peasant- Hey! I waited in line four days for that.
Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. A baked Potato appears on Sabrinaís plate.
She goes and sits with Harvey whose playing with his glop.
Harvey- Whereíd you get that?
Sabrina- Erm I ordered the kosher meal, wanna bite?
Harvey- Ew no thanks, it smells like vodka.
Int. Spellman living room. Hilda and Zelda are still struggling with the Christmas tree. They are trying to trim the end with a two-handed saw.
Zelda- Ahh! For the last time, when I push, you pull. Got it?
Hilda- Could you be a little less technical?
Salem- Keep trimming that tree and youíll be able to use it in your car as an air freshened.
Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Libby comes up to Harvey at his locker.
Libby- Hi Harvey.
Harvey- Hey Libby, got any plans for the holidays?
Libby- Like it matters? I hate Christmas.
Harvey- Whatís your take on Quansa?
Libby doesnít spot Sabrina at her locker behind her. Sabrina overhears.
Libby- I usually like all the presents but this year I have to be around my bratty step brother, Russell.
Harvey- Really, your family has a brat in it?
Libby- Colours with my lip-stick, drips chocolate on my stuff and he can cry on que.
She finally spots Sabrina
Libby- (Cont.) Whatís your problem freak? Hoping Santa will give you a personality this year?
Libby walks off.
Sabrina- (Calling after) And a crossbow.
Int. Spellman living room. The battle with the Christmas tree continues. Salem is lending his support.
Salem- (Into a megaphone) Push! Push! Push! Push! I knew those LaManns classes would pay off.
With his encouragement Zelda and Hilda managed to get the tree upright... ish.
Hilda- We have the makings of a beautiful fire hazard.
Zelda- (To Salem) What díya think?
Salem- Thatís what a mortal tree looks like?
Zelda nods proudly.
Salem- (Cont.) No wonder they drink during the holidays.
Int. Spellman kitchen. That evening. Sabrina and Hilda are sat down to dinner. Salem is reading the paper on the counter.
Sabrina- Iím going to conjure more asparagus, want some?
Hilda- No thanks, you put too much ketchup on yours.
Hilda is just taking a bite of an asparagus tip when Sabrina casts her spell. It disappears from her fork and reappears on Sabrinaís plate.
Sabrina- Hey! Somebody took a bite out of it.
Hilda- I did. You didnít conjure your own asparagus, you took mine!
Sabrina- (Looking at her finger) Díyou think thereís something wrong with my magic?
Hilda- Conjure something else and weíll see.
Salem- I could use some protein, how about a wharf rat?
Hilda- How about a blouse.
Sabrina points and a green silk blouse appears on the table neatly folded.
Sabrina- There, Iím fine, and I have good taste.
Zelda enters from the living room.
Hilda- Zelda! How was the lecture?
Zelda- For a six-part dissertation on the reproductive cycle of garden snails it was awfully dry.
She takes of her coat and hangs it up.
Zelda- (Cont.) Itís really getting cold outside.
Salem- Hereís a tip, try wearing clothes.
Zelda looks down at herself and finds she half naked from the waist up.
Zelda- Hey! What happened to my blouse? It was my favourite...
Sabrina- (Interrupting) Green silk one?
Zelda- Sabrina, how many times do I have to tell you to ask before you borrow my clothes, especially when Iím already wearing them.
Sabrina- Thereís something wrong with me aunt Zelda. I mean I tried to conjure asparagus, I got aunt Hildaís, I tried to conjure a blouse, I got yours.
Salem- Whatever you do, donít conjure anything fur.
Hilda- What do you think it is, Zeldy?
Zelda- Well from what I know the problem may be psychological.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Zelda opens the linen closet door.
Zelda- Now thereís nothing to be afraid of, Dr. Bull is one of the most highly regarded witch psychiatrists around.
Hilda- Sheís got two doctorates from Other Realm Universities and one from Utah State.
Sabrina- Then tell me again why I had to sign that lobotomy release form?
Int. Dr. Bullís office. Sabrina is lay on the couch while the doctor makes notes in her chair.
Sabrina- And that about wraps it up. Can I go now?
Dr. Bull- Conjures things from others, narcissism. Based on these symptoms one would conclude that you're suffering from egotitis.
Sabrina- Me? Iím not the one with the wall full of diplomas.
Dr. Bull- (Making a note) Attacks when provoked. Itís a text-book case, you're behaving like a little girl.
Sabrina stands up and stamps her foot.
Sabrina- Am not!
Dr. Bull- What say we have a chat with your inner child?
Dr. Bull casts a spell and a six year old blond haired copy of Sabrina is sucked from the seventeen year old version.
Sabrina- Hey, I recognise you. You're the one whose always encouraging me to run with scissors.
The inner child nods yes.
Dr. Bull- Tell me inner child, what do you like most about Christmas?
Inner Child- All the pwethenth.
Dr. Bull- Do you enjoy being with other people at Christmas?
Inner Child- If they bwing me pwethenth
Dr. Bull- (Patting the inner child on the head) Thank you, that will be all.
She casts another spell and the inner child is absorbed back into Sabrina.
Inner Child- (OS) Whereís my pwethenth?
Sabrina- Sorry, I didnít know my inner child would be so childish.
Dr. Bull- (Wiping her hand) Or sticky. I see whatís happening here, you're trying to recapture the excitement of Christmas you felt as a child. So you're acting like a child, or medically speaking, a spoiled brat.
Sabrina- So, do I need a shot or can I get away with an inhaler?
Dr. Bull- No, itís not that easy. The cure for this malady must come from within. Youíve got to rediscover the magic of Christmas and when you do, you're egotitis will go away.
Sabrina- Is that it?
Dr. Bull- Except for this.
She hands Sabrina a bill
Dr. Bull- (Cont.) A hundred and twenty dollars please.
Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina hangs a Christmas wreath on the front door and closes it. Zelda comes down the stairs.
Zelda- Feeling a little more in the spirit, dear?
Sabrina- Iím trying but I just donít feel very Christmasy.
Hilda- Maybe some music would help, put on a Johnny Mathis Christmas album.
Sabrina- What ever, Iíll try anything.
She conjures Johnny Mathisí ĎA Christmas Collectioní CD.
Int. Johnny Mathisís living room. Johnny is searching through his CD collection.
Johnny Mathis- I swear my Christmas album was here a minute ago! Come on John, get a hold of yourself.
Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina puts the CD in the player.
CD player- (Singing) Oh holy night, the stars are brightly shining.
Zelda- Isnít he the dreamiest.
Hilda- (Holding the CD case) And his voice is good too. Wait a second (Reading) ĎThe property of J. Mathisí Sabrina you didnít conjure a CD, you just took one from Johnny Mathis.
CD player- (Singing) It is the night of our dear saviours birth.
Sabrina- Oh man, donít tell me my egotitis still hasnít gone away. Hey maybe if I open some presents Iíll feel better.
She heads towards the pile of presents under the leaning Christmas tree. They all promptly vanish.
Sabrina- Oh-no! I shook that one last night, it was good.
Zelda- Sabrina, when you have egotitis you canít get any presents.
Hilda- Receiving gifts only makes it worse.
Sabrina- This better be gone by my birthday. What's the point of Christmas without presents?
Hilda- Have you ever noticed that building with the steeple and the bells?
Sabrina- So thereís gotta be something you guys can do.
Zelda- Well there is someone who could help.
Sabrina- And we didnít call them before because...?
Hilda- Heís a very big hu-ha in the Other Realm.
Sabrina- Who is he?
Sabrina- So apparently his parents didnít know he was going to be important when they named him.
Zelda- (To Hilda) Let's summon him with the Bob song.
Zelda- (Getting a note) Mmmmm!
Zelda and Hilda- (Together) Bob, Bob, Bob, BOB!
Sabrina- How do you remember the lyrics?
A none discript middle aged man in a plaid shirt with a mustache digging wax from his ear with his little finger appears in the room.
Bob- Hey, whatís up?
Zelda- Oh hello Bob. We have a problem, our niece Sabrina has a case of egotitis.
Bob- Yeah, thatís not your only problem.
Hilda- It isnít?
Bob- Nah, youíve got one sorry looking Christmas tree.
Sabrina- It looked better with presents.
Bob- (To Zelda) Oh trying to recapture the spirit of Christmas huh?
Zelda- Hmm, can you help?
Bob- Ah Iíll give it a shot. I know! (To Sabrina) Say, why donít you and I take a little trip to Christmas past? No, itís been done.
Hilda- Trust me, the trip to the graveyard is quite depressing.
Bob- Why donít you and I try to go and recapture your childhood Christmas memories.
He gets up to go.
Bob- (Cont.) And maybe have a look at the new Chryslerís.
Sabrina gets up to follow.
Sabrina- (To her aunts) You have met this guy before, right?
Johnny Mathis sings ĎWinter wonderlandí over the following.
Ext. Westbridge Main St. Sabrina and Bob walk along the snow covered street where a Santa rings his bell collecting for charity. Sabrina takes a five dollar note to put in his pot but sheís having trouble letting go of it. Bob gives her a helping hand.
Int. Spellman Kitchen. Sabrina is baking. She puts the tray of brownies in the oven and High fiveís Bob happily.
Int. Spellman Kitchen Later. A little too much later as Sabrina takes the tray of charcoal cinders from the oven and tips them onto a pile of matching cinders on the counter.
Int. Sabrinaís bedroom. Bob and Sabrina sit listening to Johnny Mathis singing ĎWinter Wonderlandí. Johnnyís actually there with them in the room. Sabrina gets up, takes a tray of charcoal cinders from her desk and hands them to Johnny. Sabrina and Bob leave, Johnny shrugs and carries on singing.
Ext. Westbridge Main St. The sign says Ď This LINE to VISIT SANTA CLAUSí The people are queuing down the street. Sabrina and Bob stroll along. Libby's touching up her lip-stick, her step brother Russell is beside her and a mischievous grin spreads across his face before he fakes being hit in the arm
Russell- AW! Whyíd you hit me?
The other families in the queue start having a go at Libby.
Father- What díyou hit him for.
Libby- Oh Russell, I-I didnít.
Father- What are you doiní?
Russell smiles at the trouble heís caused, Sabrina smiles too.
Ext. Spellman house front drive. The song fades away and we see Sabrina and Bob building a snowman. An old gent walks past with a walking stick.
Old Gent- Merry Christmas.
Bob puts the snowmanís head on.
Sabrina- Cold, fun, snow, Libby in trouble. Bob, Iím beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.
Bob- (Standing up) Well, see? I told you it was only a matter of Arghh!!
Bob slips and falls hard. Sabrina jumps up and rushes over to him.
Sabrina- Oh-no, are you okay?
Bob- Oh-no, I slipped on some ice and I donít remember my ankle being the size of a grapefruit.
Sabrina- Donít worry, Iíll get you a cane.
She points and a walking stick appears stuck in the snow beside Bob.
Bob- Oh thanks.
He uses the cane to pull himself up.
Old Gent- (OS) My cane! What happened to my cane?
Sabrina- Oh just my luck. Donít tell me I still have egotitis?
Bob- Lets see? Iím hurt, Grandpaís down, you're still worried about getting presents. Oh smart money would be on Ďyesí
Int. Spellman living room. Zelda has just placed the star on the top of the Christmas tree.
Hilda- Yíknow Iíve got to admit it, Iím really proud of us.
Zelda- We did it all by ourselves, just like a mortal family.
They look at the tree.
Zelda- (Cont.) Do you want to zap it or should I?
Hilda- I will.
She zaps the tree and they end up with the same beautiful tree they started with way back in scene one.
Salem- A little gaudy donít ya think?
The aunts glare at Salem.
Sabrina- (OS) Help! Hurt Bob in the kitchen.
Hilda and Zelda run to the Kitchen.
Int. Spellman living room. Later. Bob has just been settled onto the settee. His sore ankle propped on a cushion on the coffee table.
Sabrina- You take it easy, weíll get you an ice-pack.
Hilda- Everything is going to be fine.
All three of them exit to the kitchen.
Int. Spellman Kitchen. The three witches enter.
Hilda- (To Sabrina) Do you realise what youíve done?
Sabrina- What, Bobís going to sue?
Zelda- No, heís Santa Claus!
Hilda- Thatís right, youíve just maimed Father Christmas.
Sabrina- So, I guess Iím not the only one not getting presents this year.
Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina sits on the arm of the chair as Hilda and Zelda fuss over Bob. Salem watches on.
Sabrina- So if you're Santa how come you're not chubby?
Bob- Oh a combination of cardio-vascular exercise and a little weight training... or it could be that tape-worm. Anyway Iíve got a lot of deliveries to make.
He tries to stand.
Bob- Oh! Oh! Ohhhhh!
Zelda- You're not going anywhere.
Sabrina- Isnít there someone who could fill in for you like a temp service or a cousin?
Bob- Well thereís always Mrs. Clause but I canít call her, she works for UPS. This time of year theyíre real crazy.
Zelda- Well Hilda and I canít help, we have to stay here and take care of you.
Sabrina- There must be somebody.
Three pairs of eyes turn to Sabrina.
Sabrina- Me! But Bob and I were this close to curing my egotitis. A few more hours, Iíll be back to normal.
They all remain looking at her.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Couldnít we just order everyone something from a catalogue?
Int. Spellman living room. Later. Sabrinaís putting on her jacket.
Sabrina- Okay, Iíve got it. Head due North and look for reindeer.
Bob. Yeah but donít take the first Santaís workshop exit, take the second.
Sabrina exits via the front door.
Salem- Okay, this is a girl who has trouble getting to school on time and she's supposed to deliver millions of presents by tomorrow morning. Am I the only one who sees a problem?
Zelda- You know Salem, thatís an excellent point.
Three pairs of eyes turn to Salem.
Int. Santaís workshop. The elves are hard at work. Itís their busy time. Sabrina enters with Salem in her arms.
Salem- (Mimicing Zelda) Thatís an excellent point. Thatís an excellent point. That is the last time I point out a flaw in someoneís logic.
One of the elves spots the strangers in their midst. Itís a little round one.
Fritz- Mayday! Mayday! intruder on the premises.
All the elves come running over. Theyíre not small, theyíre pretty much normal height which means theyíre taller than Sabrina. The head elf pushes to the front.
Ted- Who are you?
Sabrina- Sabrina. Donít panic, Santaís had a little accident.
The elves panic
Sabrina- No! No! Itís okay! Erm, Iím going to fill in for him.
The elves Panic some more.
Sabrina- No, I promise itíll be fine. Who are you?
Ted- Weíre Santaís elves.
Sabrina- Well I thought Santaís elves were supposed to be small.
Ted- Oh you're probably thinking of Fritz. Whenever someone whips out a camera guess who always happens to be next to Santa.
Ted looks pointedly at the archetypal elf. Short, round, pointy ears and a bushy beard. Sabrina and Ted walk over to him and see heís chiselling at a piece of wood.
Sabrina- What are you building?
Fritz- A CD player.
Fritz picks up the item heís working on, blows off the excess saw dust and shows her the state of the art Walkman CD player.
Sabrina- Man! You guys are good.
Ted- Ya! Perhaps you didnít now this but weíre on a deadline, how about wrapping?
Sabrina goes off with him to pitch in and help.
Salem- (To Fritz) How about a palm-size digital camera? Not for me but a friend whoís fallen on hard times, weíll call him Salem.
Int. Spellman living room. Hilda plumps Bobís cushion while Zelda puts a tray of hot soup on his lap.
Bob- Oh Boy.
Hilda- Is there anything else we can get you Bob?
Bob- I donít want to be an imposition, please.
Zelda- Oh Bob, you could never be an imposition.
Bob- Oh well, If you insist. How about a couple of cheese burgers, a chocolate malted and some chips? Hey, any of you gals up for a game of mouse trap?
Int. Santaís workshop. Salem is watching a master of origami at work. Namely Ted.
Salem- Whatís that going to be?
Ted- A Ferrari if someone will stop breathing down my neck.
Salem- I will if I can have a pipe-cleaner.
Fritz comes running in panicking.
Fritz- Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
Sabrina- Fritz is wound up a little tight isnít he.
Fritz- The naughty-nice list is missing.
Ted- Okay, itís almost midnight, the list is missing and I keep running into Fritz underneath the mistletoe.
Sabrina- Calm down! Okay, everyone retrace your steps.
Ted- I believe that would put me back underneath the mistletoe.
Fritz- (Running in) Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
Sabrina- That guys beginning to get on my nerves.
Fritz- (Cont.) Iíve found the list. the reindeer ate it, the reindeer ate it.
Ted- (To Sabrina) What are you going to do?
Ted- You're in charge.
Salem- Do you know how many palms I had to grease to get on that nice list?
Sabrina- And nobody made a copy?
Ted- Oh Yeah, there is a copy of the list on that thing.
He points to a lap-top computer on the desk.
Ted- (Cont.) but none of us knows how to use it.
Sabrina- Oh I bet I can. Yíknow it only takes a minute to learn how to use these things.
Ted- Yeah, Santa wonít let us touch it. Not since somebody got addicted to solitaire.
He looks pointedly at Fritz who looks sheepish.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda runs in from the living room as Hildaís putting on her coat.
Zelda- Hilda wait! Iíve got a few more things for you to pick up. Two gallons of ice-cream, four lemon meringue pies, a box of frozen onion-rings and a case of Birch beer.
Hilda- Nobody makes a list like Santa.
Int. Santaís workshop. The activity is frantic as Christmas inches nearer. Sabrinaís pulling on her jacket, It matches the red Santa hat sheís wearing.
Sabrina- Let's go! Let's go! Itís almost Christmas in Tokyo.
Ted- Okay! Okay, hereís your itinerary. We had triple ĎAí make you a trip text.
Fritz- Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
Sabrina- I swear, one of these days!
Ted- He does have a tendency to over-react.
Fritz- The reindeer are sick, the reindeer are sick.
Ted- This time he may have a point.
Fritz- It must have been the list they ate, what are we going to do?
Salem- (Wearing a fur coat... erm an additional fur coat that is) Díya think Zelda will let us borrow the station wagon?
Sabrina- Thereís no time for that, these children need presents.
She cast a spell and her trusty vacuum cleaner appears with a wicker basket on the front. Salem is sat in it with a pair of fake antlers on his head and an illuminated, flashing red nose.
Salem- Okay, weíve all had our little laugh. Now take the nose off.
Sabrina mounts her vacuum with the sack of toys over her shoulder and removes Salemís nose.
Sabrina- (To Salem) Ready to rock?
Salem- Is there still something on my head?
Fritz- Good luck.
Ted- Gods speed.
Sabrina and Salem take off, the elves stand waving.
Ted- Theyíre never going to make it.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda enters from the dinning room. Zeldaís washing up at the sink.
Hilda- You-Know-Who is ready for his pedicure. Your turn.
Bob- (OS) Zelda! Iíd like the black-cherry nail-polish.
Zelda- It is not my turn, I clipped his ear-hair.
Hilda- I clipped his ear-hair! How fast does that stuff grow?
Ext. Eastern Seaboard. A vacuum cleaner flies through the night. A young girl and a cat ride on it.
Sabrina- Well that does it for the baltic states, do you want another perogy?
Salem- No thanks Iíve already had moussaka, baklava and pad thai. What was I thinking?
Sabrina- Buck up, I see down town Westbridge ahead. Hey, thereís Libbyís house.
Salem- Great, I can yak in her stocking.
Sabrina- No, I got her the perfect present. Merry Christmas Libby.
Int. Libbyís house. Libbyís sat looking through a catalogue beside the Christmas tree. Russell comes up.
Libby- (Looking up) What?
Russell- (Holding out a present) Here Libby, merry Christmas.
Libby takes the gift. Itís a small box with Libby written across the top in sequinned letters.
Libby- Oh Russell, itís a little jewellery box.
Russell- I made it myself.
Libby- Hey, do you want to split the roof of my ginger-bread house?
They both smile.
Ext. The skyís above Westbridge.
Salem- So you gave her love for her step brother?
Sabrina- It seemed like the right thing to do.
Salem- I would have given her the lump of coal but then Iím not the one wearing the red hat.
Int. Spellman living room. Bob is still stretched out on the settee with his foot up. Heís looking a little fuller round the middle and a beard is growing in. He players air ukulele to accompany Hilda and Zelda on the real things.
Zelda- (Singing) Sheíll be coming round the mountain when she comes.
Hilda- (Singing) When she comes.
Zelda- (Singing) Sheíll be coming round the mountain,
sheíll be coming round the mountain,
sheíll be coming round the mountain when she comes.
Zelda and Hilda- (Together) Yee-haa!
Bob- (Applauding) Encore! Encore! Oh but wait, how about some more food first? Perhaps a bit more Coq-au-vin?
Hilda- Bob, donít you think you should maybe be watching the calories?
Bob- Nah, thatís just water-weight.
Ext. The night skyís above Westbridge.
Salem- Band aids, cotton balls, aspirin. What good is a first-aid kit without a stomach pump?
Sabrina- Look, Harveyís house.
Salem- I canít look down. What did you get him for Christmas?
Sabrina- A little miracle. Merry Christmas Harvey.
She points and the gift is given. Sabrina and Salem fly on into the night circling the globe bringing joy and glad tidings to all.
Int. Spellman living room. Christmas morning. Bob is asleep under the blanket on the settee. Hilda and Zelda come down stairs in their dressing gowns.
Hilda- I couldnít sleep at all last night, I kept thinking about that line ĎHe sees you when you're sleepingí
Sabrina enters through the front door looking very happy, she has Salem in her arms.
Sabrina- Merry Christmas!
Salem- (Jumping down and heading for the kitchen) Must-eat-grass. <sob>
Zelda- Merry Christmas, how was it?
Sabrina- You're looking at a changed woman, I donít even care if I get any presents today.
The second she says the words all the presents return under the Christmas tree.
Zelda- Look! Your egotitis is gone.
Sabrina picks up one of the presents.
Sabrina- I bet thereís someone who can use this more than me.
She points at the present and it vanishes.
Int. Russian peasants hovel. The Russian peasant is sat before his Christmas spread, a glass of water with just a smidgen of vodka. On the table before him a package appears with a big ribbon bow on it. He opens it amazed.
Russian peasant- The Gap?
Int. Spellman Living room. Bob has awoken.
Bob- Congratulations Sabrina. Youíve discovered how to recreate the childhood magic of Christmas by making Christmas magic for others.
He throws back the blanket to reveal himself in his full glory. Chubby, large white beard, Red suite with white fur trim. broad leather belt and boots. Santa Clause is sat on the settee.
Sabrina- Hey I could have used that suite, it was freezing out there.
Bob- (Laughing) Well now that you're cured, I can go home.
Zelda- But your ankle, doesnít it hurt?
Bob- Nah, I was faking the whole thing.
Zelda looks at Hilda gobsmacked. Hilda glares at Bob.
Hilda- You were?
Sabrina- To teach me a lesson right?
Bob- Well thereís that, plus I could use a break from mayday! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
The sound of sleigh-bells can be heard from above.
Bob- (Cont.) Well thereís my ride. (To Hilda and Zelda) Listen, next year how about I have a little Monty-Christo sandwich waiting for me by the chimney.
Hilda- Yeah Bob. Considering...
Bob- (Interrupting) Oh, I almost forgot.
He tugs on his beard and a small package appears on the coffee table.
Zelda- For us?
She opens it and Hilda lifts one of the items in it while Bob laughs to himself self consciously. Itís a CD.
Hilda- (Reading) Mozart, live at Emperor Josephís court! Wow!
Bob- I recorded it myself, Wolfie was really hot that night.
Zelda opens the other item from the box. Itís a card.
Zelda- (Reading) 'An invitation to a meeting of the minds at Stephen Hawkingís'
She hugs the card to her breast, her eyes gleam.
Zelda- (Cont.) Oh my goodness, Iíve dreamed about this!
Bob- Thatís why no one ever stays mad at Santa.
He taps the side of his nose and turns into a million points of light that fly off up the chimney.
Int. Spellman living room later. Hilda and Zelda are sat on the settee. Sabrina is sat curled up in the arm chair sucking on a candy-cane. Salem sits on the arm of the chair.
Salem- ...So the next time you're abroad remember my simple rule. Kielbasa and sauerkraut, yes. Kielbasa and menudo and haggis, no.
All of them make yuck faces as the doorbell rings, Sabrina jumps up.
Sabrina- Iíll get it.
Itís Harvey and he lets himself in as Sabrina reaches the door.
Harvey- (Calls to all) Merry Christmas.
Harvey- (To Sabrina) I got your present.
He hands her a small box. She opens it.
Sabrina- Oh a mouse, in grey that goes with everything.
Harvey- I was planning to get you the whole computer but then they took all those taxes out of my pay-cheque.
Sabrina- Well it was a wonderful thought. So was it fun playing Santa?
Harvey- Well itís hard work.
Sabrina- Donít I know it.
Harvey- Oh, youíll never believe this. I got a call from the department store, apparently all the kids who came to see me got exactly what they asked for. Itís like a miracle.
Sabrina- You're welcome... I mean Oh look!
She points at the light fitting above and by the time Harvey looks.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Mistletoe!
Sabrina and Harvey- (To each other) Merry Christmas.
They lean in for a kiss.
Int. Spellman living room Later. Harveyís gone and the Spellman family are opening presents. Salem has just shredded the wrapping of his.
Salem- Oh boy! ĎThe buttoned down mind of Bob Newhartí Howíd you know my other album got all scratched?
Hilda- (Handing Zelda her present) This is for you Zeldy, I made it the mortal way.
Zelda opens it and finds a quilt-work blanket.
Hilda- No. What díya get me?
Zelda- Something youíll really like.
She works a little magic and a man appears beside the settee.
Hilda- Johnny Mathis? Cool! Oh this is the best Christmas ever.
Johnny Mathis- (Singing) Oh holy night, the stars are brightly shining.
It is the night of our dear saviours birth.
Sabrina- Great! I didnít get anything for Johnny.