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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

My Nightmare, The Car

Written By - Charles Tercek
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Valerie - Lindsey Sloan
Mr. Kraft - Martin Mull
The Quizmaster - Alimi Ballard
The Car - Buddy Hackett
Marty - Tim Maculan
Auditor - Yolanda Snowball
Manager - Philippe Bergeron

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda has just arrived back from a little hike. She unloads the crampons, ice axe and carabina’s onto the table. She still wears her helmet, back pack and climbing boots. Sabrina comes down the stairs.

Sabrina- Hi aunt Zelda.

Zelda- Good morning Sabrina.

Sabrina- That’s an interesting take on pyjamas. By the way, can I borrow your new blue sweater?

Zelda- Oh no honey, you're just not responsible with my clothes. Remember what happened when you borrowed my red blouse?

Sabrina- Who knew silk was so flammable?

Zelda- Responsible behaviour is taking care of the things you use. If I didn’t take good care of my mountain climbing equipment I could really hurt myself out there.

Hilda comes in from the living room.

Hilda- Hey, you're back. How was Everest?

Zelda- Oh, a little crowded but I had fun. (To Sabrina) Responsible fun.

Hilda- Did Salem enjoy it?

A look of horror passes over Zelda’s face.

Ext. The Himalayan mountains. A blizzard howls across the exposed crags, on a tiny ledge of the North face of Everest a bundle of snow encrusted black fur huddles.

Salem- Zelda! ZELDA!! Is that a Yeti?

Run opening credits.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina’s at her locker with Valerie.

Sabrina- Okay, quick rehearsal. First you compliment him on his sweater vest.

Valerie- And then you ask him if he’s lost weight.

Harvey arrives.

Harvey- What are you guys doin’?

Sabrina- Oh, we’re going to ask Mr. Kraft for his permission, and some money, to attend a journalism symposium in New York.

Harvey- Well he’s in a good mood, he was smiling when he filled out this detention slip.

The man of the moment comes round the corner.

Valerie- Mr. Kraft! Sabrina and I were wondering...

Mr. Kraft- (Interrupting) No!

He walks on down the hallway.

Sabrina- (To Valerie) We’ve got him right where we want him.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda washes, Sabrina dries,

Sabrina- So Mr. Kraft looked really cute today.

Hilda- (Interrupting) No!

Sabrina- You two are more alike than you think.

Hilda- Sabrina, I am not going out with Willard Kraft again. Do you know what we did on our last date? We toured an accordion factory.

Sabrina- But you guys have so much in common. I mean, you could talk about literature, art, why Valerie and I should be allowed to attend this journalism symposium.

Hilda- No. Just the thought of his lips in the same building as mine makes my blood run cold.

Sabrina- That’s just what Becall said about Bogie.

The toaster pings and an Other Realm message pops up lightly browned. Hilda picks it up as Zelda enters having heard the ping.

Hilda- It’s from the Other Realm Revenue Service.

Zelda- Hm, let me see. They’re auditing our magic.

Sabrina- Y’know, bureaucracy makes the Other Realm seem less enchanting.

Zelda- This is just a formality. You see in the Mortal Realm witches are allowed a specific amount of magic.

Hilda- They were pretty lenient until the Pompeii incident. Some witch with a lava fetish really messed up.

Zelda- Auditors check up on you now and again to make sure everything’s under control, but we have nothing to worry about. I’ll just summon our accountant.

She casts the summoning spell and a four drawer metal filing cabinet appears in the kitchen.

Zelda- Marty!

The second drawer down opens and a man in a business suit with a receding hair line sticks his head out, he’s holding a paper plate with a piece of cake on it and a plastic fork, there’s the sound of a party in progress in the background.

Marty- Zelda, Hilda, what’s up?

Sabrina- It really bothers me that I don’t find this weird.

Hilda- Are we interrupting anything?

Marty- No, just celebrating our receptionist’s birthday. Would you like some cake?

Hilda scoops a bit of frosting and sticks it in her mouth.

Valerie- (OS) Sabrina!

Sabrina- It's Valerie!

Hilda quickly pushes Marty’s head back into the drawer and closes it before leaning casually against the cabinet just before Sabrina lets Valerie in through the back door.

Valerie- Hey, I’ve got big news.

Sabrina- Tell me. Oh, but upstairs.

There’s a banging from the filing cabinet.

Valerie- Is that filing cabinet tapping?

Sabrina- Yeah Val, there’s a guy in there.

They laugh, Sabrina pushes Val towards the stairs and the girls are gone. Zelda taps on the drawer.

Zelda- Marty.

The drawer opens again and Marty sticks his head out.

Zelda- (Cont.) The Other Realm is auditing our magic.

Marty- An audit! That’s what I live for.

He looks around in the drawer and hands Zelda a file folder.

Marty- (Cont.) Here’s you return from last year, give it a look see.

A champagne cork pops in the drawer.

Marty- (Cont.) Oh, time for the conga line. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure everything in order.

He ducks back down and the drawer closes.

Zelda- We’ll be in touch.

Marty- (OS) Mom! Stop twirling your blouse around and get off the copy machine.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Valerie’s sat in the arm chair and Sabrina’s lay on the bed.

Sabrina- Wow! Your Grandmother want’s to sell you her car!

Valerie- Isn’t it amazing? I mean it’s not fancy or anything. Like there’s no air conditioning, or tape player, or radio, or heat and the windows don’t open and it smells like Lilacs but, hey it’s a car!

Sabrina- It’s your first set of wheels, it’s so fantastic!

Valerie- I know! There’s just one small problem, I can’t afford it.

Sabrina- Grannies trying to gouge you?

Valerie- But I have a plan. Okay, suppose you and I pool our savings and buy it together, we'll share it.

Sabrina- What a great idea! D’you know what this means? I mean our lives are about to change in an utter and profound way.

Valerie- It’ll be you, me and the open road.

They both look into a wonderful future.

Sabrina- Free to go where ever the spirit moves us.

Valerie- Except left, because that blinkers broken.

Sabrina gives her friend a look for putting a damper on the dream.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda and Hilda look over the planner that Sabrina and Valerie have put together.

Zelda- Well, I don’t know. Owning a car is a big responsibility.

Sabrina- But we’ve budgeted for maintenance and insurance.

Valerie- And worked out a way to share it equitably.

Sabrina- See? I get the car every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from nine to twelve and five to eight-thirty, except for every third Wednesday when Val needs the car at eight-twenty instead of eight-thirty.

Valerie- Y’see? And I get it every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday, from eleven-fifteen to two and from seven to ten, except on the second Tuesday in November and the fourth Tuesday in January, I don’t have to return it till ten-fifteen.

Sabrina- And Saturday’s, I get the car till four, Val gets it till six and then we alternate every hour until midnight.

Hilda- I’m getting dizzy.

Zelda- But you two do seem on top of it.

Sabrina- All we have to do is figure out leap-year.

Zelda- I guess it’s okay with us.

Sabrina- Yes!

Valerie- Alright!

They high-five.

Sabrina- (To Valerie) Okay, so according to the schedule the car is mine tonight.

Valerie- Yep.

She hands Sabrina the keys.

Valerie- (Cont.) Hey, can I borrow it?

Sabrina tosses them back.

Int. Westbridge High School. ‘Semi-Charmed Life’ by Third Eye Blind plays through the following.

Int. Hallway. Things are starting well, Sabrina and Valerie meet in the hallway and Valerie passes her the keys full of smiles.

Later. Sabrina holds up the keys and a laughing Valerie comes and takes them.

Int. Classroom. Harvey has a present for them, a pair of fluffy dice

Int. Hallway. Valerie waits impatiently, Sabrina arrives and hands her the keys along with the rear view mirror and a ‘don’t ask’ expression.

Later. Sabrina waits anxiously, Valerie arrives with the keys and a very bent number plate.

Ext. School doors. Sabrina catches Valerie and waves four unpaid parking tickets at her.

Later. Valerie comes and dumps a pile of empty wrappers and accumulated garbage from the car into Sabrina’s arms.

Int. Hallway. Sabrina walks past Valerie scowling and throws the keys at her, Valerie catches them and glares back.

Later. Reverse the above. The music fades.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina and Valerie are having a pleasant chat.

Sabrina- I can’t believe I wanted to share a car with someone who’s motto is ‘I paid for these bumpers, I’ll use them’

Valerie- Well at least I don’t use fast food wrappers as seat covers.

Hilda and Zelda come in to see what all the noise is about.

Hilda- Hey!

Sabrina- (ignoring her) Tell me, do you look for tow-away zones to park in?

Valerie- Oh-oh-oh! What’s it like to lose the car three times in the same parking lot on the same day?

Hilda put her fingers to her lips and whistles loudly.

Zelda- Enough!

Hilda- Oh you two are too old to be fighting like this. (Aside to Zelda) Though I bet Sabrina could have taken her.

Zelda- (To Sabrina) I was right, you're not responsible enough to handle a car. I think you should ask Valerie to give you your share back.

Sabrina- Fine, I’ll buy my own car.

Zelda- No, you may not have a car.

Hilda- (To Zelda) Really?

Zelda nudges her with her elbow.

Hilda- (Cont.)(To Sabrina) Not today, not ever.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina is sulking with Salem for company.

Sabrina- It’s all Valerie’s fault. I could have handled that car alone.

Salem- Refresh my memory, was it Valerie who locked me in the glove compartment?

Sabrina- Hey, nobody likes a back seat cat.

Salem- I never understood why you just didn’t buy your own car?

Sabrina- Well let's see? There’s the fact that I have virtually no money, my profound lack of cash and, oh yeah, I’m broke!

Salem- Well not here, in the Other Realm. Over there cars go for peanuts.

Sabrina- Really! How come?

Salem- Well cars became more of a novelty item once witches realised they could fly.

Sabrina- If my aunts ask where I went, tell them I’m being very responsible doing... something responsible people do.

She leaves.

Salem- (To himself) Avoiding hot-dogs at the track?

Int. Spellman living room. The Auditor has arrived, Zelda reads her card.

Zelda- Well I’m sure you’ll see our magic is completely in order.

Auditor- Thank you for being so accommodating. I’ve never understood it but some people just don’t enjoy being audited.

Hilda- Is that right? Well we’ll summon our accountant and you’ll be on your way in no time.

She taps on the filing cabinet.

Hilda- (Cont.) Marty!

Zelda- Marty, it’s time for our audit.

She opens the drawer. There’s no one at home.

Zelda- (Cont.) Well that’s odd.

Hilda- Zelda, he’s not here.

Zelda- What’s this?

She reaches into the drawer and pulls out a note.

Zelda- (Reading) ‘Dear Zelda and Hilda, don’t take this the wrong way but I’ve run off with all your magic savings’ Oh-no!

Hilda- (Reading) ‘Someday you’ll forgive me. Until then, could you water my plants. Marty.’ This can’t be true!

Ext. Sunny Other Realm Holiday Hideaway. Haunt of the rich and famous... and the criminal fugitive. Calypso, steel drum music plays, a couple lie on sun-beds by the pool as a waiter walks past. A large wicket towel basket’s lid opens and Marty sticks his head out.

Marty- Hey, excuse me. Another Pina-colada por favor.

The Waiter takes his glass and the lid closes again.

Int. Spellman living room.

Zelda- There must be some mistake. I’ll check the rest of the house and...

Auditor- (Interrupting) Not so fast blondie.

Int. Callisto Motors, where ‘lo’ you a good deal. Sabrina walks among the new and used cars. A disreputable character, whose check suite begs the question ‘Would you buy a used car from this man?’ spots her and comes over.

Quizmaster- Anything I can help you with ma’am?

Sabrina- Quizmaster! What are you doing here?

Quizmaster- Sabrina! I... work here part time. Quizmastering may be my life’s work but it doesn’t exactly pay the rent.

Sabrina- Not with the money you spend on clothes. Well I’d like to buy a car but I’m pretty sure I can’t afford one.

Quizmaster- Well can you afford a five dollar down payment and a buck fifteen a Month?

Sabrina- If I budget.

Quizmaster- Then you can drive home in this baby.

‘This Baby’ is an orange MGBGT convertible, like new.

Sabrina- Get out?

Quizmaster- Come on, let's take her for a spin. You can see how it drives and I can pick up my dry cleaning.

They get in. Sabrina starts the engine, puts it in drive.

Sabrina- Buckle up.

and they're off.

Int. Callisto Motors. Later. Sabrina drives the MG back into the show room. The Quizmaster looks a little pale.

Sabrina- Whoo-hoo!

They get out and the Quizmaster lifts his dry cleaning out of the back.

Quizmaster- So what do ya think?

Sabrina- This car handles like a dream. I mean, did you see the way I swerved to miss that baby-carriage?

Quizmaster- The last thing I saw was that school bus.

Sabrina- I want this car.

Quizmaster- Then there’s just one last thing we need to go over. Now owning a car is a big responsibility Sabrina, are you sure you can handle it?

Sabrina- Yes! Jeez, you sound like my aunts.

The Manager sees them talking and comes over.

Manager- Everything okay here miss?

Quizmaster- This is my boss.

Manager- Responsibility, shmonsibility. A car like this is all about fun, top down, wind in you hair...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Okay, you can save the pitch, okay, I’ve got a picture of Lincoln that’s burning a hole in my pocket. I’m buying this car.

Manager- You’ve made a wise decision. Nothing makes driving more enjoyable than a car.

He takes the money and hands Sabrina the keys and leaves.

Quizmaster- Now Sabrina, you have to be very careful when taking this car out, because accidents, they do happen.

Sabrina- I don’t need another responsibility lecture.

Quizmaster- Oh this isn’t a lecture, I also sell insurance.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Salem is lying on the linen basket doing the crossword when the linen closet activates. Sabrina enters.

Salem- So, did you go for the Mack truck like I told you to? Nothing commands respect like eighteen wheels and girlie mud-flaps.

Sabrina- I picked up the cutest little car, dual exhausts, rag top, connelly hide, which I think is a good thing.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- (Cont.) They even threw in...

An orange MGBGT convertible drops out of thin air to crash into the polished wood floor of Sabrina’s room making an incredible din.

Sabrina- (Cont.) ...free delivery.

Salem- Now that can’t be good for the transmission.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. A minute later. Hilda and Zelda are outside Sabrina’s bedroom door looking anxious.

Zelda- Sabrina, are you okay? It sounded like something fell.

Hilda- Something like a Redwood. What’s going on in there?

The door opens just enough for Sabrina’s head to pop through.

Sabrina- Salem and I are clogging, good night.

She closes the door.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom.

Sabrina- I’ve got to zap this into the street. If my aunts see it I can kiss my driving privileges goodbye.

Salem- I’d appreciate it if you didn’t imply that I clog.

She points at the car but nothing happens.

Sabrina- What? Why isn’t it working?

Salem- Check the emergency brake.

Sabrina- Oh, right.

She releases the brake and tries again, this time the car vanishes. Sabrina walks to the window and looks down into the street outside. The car is neatly parked beneath a street light.

Sabrina- Good, that’ll buy me some time.

She turns round and almost walks into the orange car that’s parked in the middle of her room.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Whoa!

Salem- I like this game.

Sabrina- What’s wrong with my magic?

The Car- Nothin’ I just don’t like being alone.

Sabrina- You can talk?

The Car- It was on my sticker. I don’t wanna sleep outside, in case you haven’t noticed, it’s cold.

Int. Spellman garage. Its lined with all the accumulated junk that all garages are prone to and the MGB is parked in it. Sabrina has just put a travel rug over the hood.

Sabrina- I know you’d rather stay in my room but you can’t, my aunts would kill me if they found out.

The Car- I could catch pneumonia out here.

Sabrina- You could... if you had blood and organs.

Valerie- (OS) Sabrina?

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh-no! Keep it down okay?

The Car- Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You sound like my first wife.

Valerie enters.

Valerie- Hey, I thought I heard you.

She looks around.

Valerie- (Cont.) Who were you talking to?

Sabrina- Pet lizard. Where’d that little guy run off to?

Valerie- I came by to apologise. You know all those horrible and nasty things I said about you, I didn’t mean 'em.

Sabrina- Me neither.

Valerie- Friends?

Sabrina- Friends.

The high-five. The car coughs and Sabrina tries to cover it by coughing too, but Valerie has turned and spotted the car.

Valerie- Hey, hot car! When d’ya get it?

Sabrina- Er, just a few minutes ago from a new neighbour whose moving to Australia.

Valerie- It’s so cool, can I borrow it?

Sabrina- But you have a car.

Valerie- Yeah, my Grandma’s ride to church died so she wants it back. Please?

Sabrina- Valerie, this is kinda hard to explain but...

Zelda- (OS) Those files aren’t going to carry themselves in here.

Hilda- (OS) Just let me hear Gerry Springer’s thought for today and I’ll meet you in the garage.

Sabrina- (Cont.) ...Ah sure you can borrow it. Y'know, in fact why don’t you keep it at your place? That way you can park it somewhere warm and it will never be lonely.

She hits the button to open the roller door.

Valerie- Lonely?

Sabrina- British engineering, very delicate. Here.

She tosses Valerie the keys.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda enter through the back door carrying boxes of files.

Hilda- Thank goodness we saved this stuff.

Zelda- No, I saved it.

Hilda- I save things, I just forget where I saved them.

Zelda- That’s called losing things. If I hadn’t had the foresight to put everything in my name, the house, the phone, the credit cards, we would never get out from under this audit.

Sabrina enters from the living room.

Sabrina- So how is the garage? Nice and empty?

The toaster pings with another message from the Other Realm. Hilda picks it up.

Hilda- It’s from the auditors. Oh what a relief.

Zelda- They’re cancelling the audit?

Hilda- No, it says they’re only going to audit you. Why would that be? Because everything’s in your name. Good luck sis' looks like there’s nothing but free time for me.

Sabrina- And what better way to enjoy that free time than by relaxing in the company of Mr. Kraft.

Hilda- No!

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. She’s relaxing in the company of Salem.

Sabrina- I really think my plan is going to work. I’ll just keep the car hidden at Valerie’s.

Suddenly the cars back in the bedroom.

Salem- Y’know, this is how people get hurt.

Sabrina- Oh-no! What are you doing here?

The Car- Hello to you too. Y’know that little brunet is a menace to motoring and she sings along with the radio, either that or she’s been injured.

The phone rings, Sabrina answers.

Sabrina- Hello?

Valerie- Sabrina! I just looked outside and I can’t find you car! I think somebody’s stole it.

Sabrina- Oh no-no-no, I’ve got it. The cars here with me.

Valerie- Phew! Oh well, good night.

Sabrina- See you tomorrow.

She hangs up.

The Car- Hey, I heard a good story...

The phone rings again. Sabrina answers.

Sabrina- Hello?

Valerie- Why d’you take the car?

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Mr. Kraft enters with Mr. Barber.

Mr. Kraft- Yes it is unbelievable. I mean you’d think they’d tire of it after maybe six or seven times but no, the seniors still seem to find removing my brake fluid very amusing.

Sabrina and Valerie are at their lockers.

Valerie- Let me get this straight. Your aunt had an allergic reaction to frozen yoghurt so you came over to my house in a cab and took the car?

Sabrina- In a manner of speaking.

Valerie- Did you drive it to school today?

Sabrina- No, I left it at home.

Harvey comes up.

Harvey- Hey, did you guys see the cool orange MGB parked in front of the school?

Sabrina- Oh I did drive it. That’s mine.

Valerie- Well I have the keys.

Sabrina- I hot-wired it. Can I have the keys back?

She takes the keys.

Valerie- Hey, let me borrow it during lunch please?

Sabrina- I don’t know, it depends on how it’s behaving. I mean, running.

Valerie- It runs fine.

Sabrina reluctantly hands over the keys.

Valerie- Thanks Sabrina.

Valerie leaves.

Harvey- Where did you ever learn how to hot-wire a car?

Sabrina- My aunt Zelda, she did time.

Ext. Westbridge High School. Sabrina sits on the wall with Harvey waiting for Valerie.

Harvey- So when are you going to let me tune up your new ride? My Dad showed me how to make a car go eighty miles an hour in first gear.

Sabrina- Why would anyone want their car to do that?

Harvey- He didn’t say.

Valerie arrives.

Valerie- Hey.

Sabrina- Val, I need my keys.

Valerie- Oh I don’t have them. I did something you're going to love me for.

Sabrina- I am?

Valerie- I lent your car to Mr. Kraft.

Sabrina- What?!

Valerie- Well apparently he’s got a hot date and a car with no brake fluid, and guess what he gave us in return? Permission and bus fare to attend the journalism symposium.

Harvey- Way to go Valerie.

Sabrina- Did Mr. Kraft say where he was going on his date?

Valerie- I don’t know. When he started singing ‘I’m in the mood for love’ I got whoosie.

Sabrina grabs her school bag and dashes off.

Int. Spellman dining room Zelda’s with the auditor, The lab-top is closed on the table with a devise over it.

Auditor- So, until you produce your missing savings account, we’re putting a lean on your magic. No magic cabinet, no magic cauldron, no lab-top.

She pushes down on the device locking the lab-top closed. Zelda looks stricken.

Zelda- Oh! But I’m a witch! How will I cast spells?

Auditor- With this.

She hands over a top hat and magic wand, picks up her brief case and leaves. Zelda disconsolately picks up the magic wand, taps the hat and a bunch of paper roses appears.

Zelda- This isn’t magic, this is a crummy bah mitzvah.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem sits on the counter reading the paper. Stevie Nicks enters... Oops my mistake, it’s Zelda wearing the top hat. She throws the paper roses in the trash can

Salem- Well, don’t you look stupid.

Sabrina comes in through the back door.

Zelda- Sabrina, what are you doing home so late?

Sabrina- I was looking for Mr. Kraft... to return a pen I borrowed. There haven’t been any live police chases on TV tonight have there?

Zelda- Mr. Kraft is at the drive-in with your aunt Hilda.

Sabrina- What?!

Zelda- Isn’t that nice?

Sabrina- I’m stunned... with happiness.

Zelda- Hilda knew how much you wanted to go to that journalism symposium, so she thought she’d put in a good word for you.

Sabrina- That was so sweet. I should thank her. In fact, I should thank her right now.

She leaves.

Ext. The drive-in. Hilda and Mr. Kraft are sat in the MGB watching the movie.

Hilda- A Joe Don Baker retrospective, what a treat.

Mr. Kraft- Yep, Buford Pusser fans don’t come any bigger than me.

He tries to put his arm around her but she knocks it away. Sabrina enters on her hands and knees to hide from her aunt and her Vice Principle, she crawls to the front of the car.

Sabrina- (Whispering) Hey! Hey car!

The Car- Oh, look who’s here, Miss 'I’ll let anybody drive him'

Sabrina- Look, I promise you can stay in my room for ever okay, if you just do me a favour and behave yourself tonight okay?

The Car- I bet you don’t even care that I’m parked on gum.

Sabrina- I do care. It’s just that’s my aunt and my Vice Principle in your front seat, so if you could just keep your voice down.

The Car- You really had me fooled, I thought you were kind and warm hearted.

The car snorts.

The Car- (Cont.) Boy was I wrong.

Hilda- (To Mr. Kraft) Did you just snort?

Sabrina- Look, I’ll explain everything later okay, honest.

The Car- Later-later-later! You never have time for me.

Sabrina- Now you sound like your first wife.

The Car- That’s hitting below the fan belt. I need to be alone.

The car starts it’s engine.

Sabrina- No, don’t do that! That’ll be bad!

With it’s wheels spinning it shoots out of the parking spot sending Sabrina back on her rear and out onto the streets. It tears down the road as Mr. Kraft tries to get control of the vehicle but the upset car weaves in and out of the traffic at a hundred and twenty miles an hour. All Hilda and Mr. Kraft can do is cling to each other and scream.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina comes up the stairs chanting her mantra.

Sabrina- Please don’t be in my room! Please don’t be in my room! Please don’t be in my room!

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. She enters and it has a distinct carlessness about it.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Alright! Chalk one up to the power of positive thinking.

She turns to close the door and by the time she turns back the feeling of carlessness has gone, as has the feelings of Hildalessness and Mr. Kraftlessness. Hilda opens the door and gets out but Mr. Kraft doesn’t move.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda! How was the movie?

Hilda- I laughed, I cried, YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE!

Sabrina- Well what about Mr. Kraft? I mean did you put him under a spell?

Hilda- No. Fortunately he passed out from terror.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. later. Hilda is holding Mr. Kraft up against the wall. She lifts his head but it slumps back down again.

Hilda- Still breathing.

Sabrina- I know it’s going to be a while before you two are done yelling at me, so should we brew a magic potion for Mr. Kraft?

Zelda- I can’t, the auditors booted my lab-top. Besides, sometimes I worry that all those potions we give him are going to have some sort of side effect.

Ext. Spellman front porch. Hilda and Zelda have propped Mr. Kraft against the door frame and he’s making sounds like he’s about to come round. Working quickly Zelda leans his elbow against the frame and his head on his hand and dashes inside. He comes to as Hilda walks past him into the house.

Hilda- Ha-ha! Willard, you are so witty. Thanks again for a lovely evening, good night,

She closes the door on a bemused and confused Mr. Kraft.

Mr. Kraft- (To the closed door) I was... (To himself) I have got to start video taping my dates.

He leaves.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda enter from the living room.

Zelda- We have got to think of a suitable punishment for Sabrina. She has to learn how to behave responsibly.

Hilda- It’s times like these that I regret donating our iron maiden to Goodwill.

Zelda- Well, look at that.

The filling cabinet is back in the kitchen.

Zelda- (Cont.) They always return to the scene of the crime.

The drawer opens and Marty sticks his head out, he’s wearing a garish Hawaiian shirt.

Marty- Zelda, Hilda, what I did was wrong.

Hilda- He better not be talking about buying that shirt.

Marty- You two have done so much for me. You’ve kept me employed, you’ve put a roof over my head, how will I ever earn your forgiveness?

Zelda- You can start by paying us back all the magic you stole from us.

Marty- There’s a slight problem with that. You see, the guy at the casino... Okay, I’ll earn it back, I will. I just need a place to lie low for a while.

Hilda- We know the perfect place.

She points at the cabinet and it vanishes.

Ext. Geo-synchronous orbit, a thousand miles above Westbridge. A new piece of space debris appears with Marty’s head sticking out of one of it’s drawers.

Marty- ZELDA! HILDA! ANYBODY! Is that a Yeti?

Int. Callisto Motors. Sabrina drives an orange MGBGT convertible into the showroom and parks.

Sabrina- Quizmaster, I can’t handle this thing. It’s nothing but trouble.

Quizmaster- That’s why I sold you this car, to make you realise you weren’t ready for one.

Sabrina- You took a job here just to teach me a lesson?

Quizmaster- No, I’ve got college loans. Well let's take this baby to Guido and turn back his odometer.

The Car- Make yourself scarce huckster, I need a few minutes alone with Miss 'learners permit'

Quizmaster- No problem, that Chrysler’s teaching me Spanish.

He leaves.

Sabrina- I’m sorry things didn’t work out.

The Car- Me too. I’ve got something for you on my dash.

Sabrina goes round and picks it up, it’s a card.

Sabrina- (Reading) What is a friend. Aaawwhh!

The Car- If you read the inside, you’ll see that a friend is someone who changes someone’s oil once in a while.

Sabrina- I’ll miss you too.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Two pairs of new white trainers come round the corner. They’re attached to Sabrina and Valerie.

Sabrina- Walking shoes are a much better investment. They’re fun, cheep and there’s no way they can ruin friendships or endanger innocent lives, right?

Valerie- I still love that sports car.

Sabrina spots someone coming down the hallway.

Sabrina- Kraft alert.

Valerie- How bad can it be? He already said we couldn’t go to the journalism symposium.

Mr. Kraft- Miss Spellman, just the little miscreant I’ve been looking for.

Valerie- Oh good, because I’ve got to get to... metal shop.

She makes a grateful escape.

Sabrina- Me too, and if you're late they don’t let you wear the masks.

She tries but she fails.

Mr. Kraft- Now hold it! Do you know what I have here?

He holds up a file folder.

Sabrina- Your drawings?

Mr. Kraft- No. It’s a file I’ve been keeping on you and all of your strange behaviour.

Sabrina- But they’re illustrated, right?

Mr. Kraft- For instance, the other night I went to the movies with your aunt, and the next thing I know I’m alone on your front porch. Explain that.

Sabrina- Oh well, you know what they say about men your age and memory lapses... Okay, if you say so I’ll check in the chess club. Gotta go.

She dashes off leaving Mr. Kraft more confused than ever.

Mr. Kraft- What? Mother’s right, I need more potassium.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda’s sat on the settee reading a magazine, the filling cabinet is beside her. Zelda enters carrying a basket of laundry.

Zelda- Thank goodness my magic will be restored next week, I despise doing laundry the mortal way.

Run credits.

Hilda- Here’s a tip. It’s not equal parts water and bleach.

Zelda spots the cabinet

Zelda- Oh, I see you decided to bring Marty back from outer space.

Hilda- Not exactly.

The cabinet drawer opens and a head pokes out.

Sabrina- Haven’t I been punished enough? I mean, all I did was almost kill you and Mr. Kraft.

Hilda- Get back in there and do some more filing young lady.

She pushes Sabrina’s head beck down and closes the drawer.

Hilda- (Cont.) And don’t just stand around the water-cooler telling jokes.



Pic of the Week