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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Quiz Show

Written By - Holly Hester
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Libby - Jenna Leigh Green
The Quizmaster - Alimi Ballard
Amy - Ashlee Levitch
The Witch Judge - Mary Gillis
Mouse - Brent Hinkley
Old Woman - Lillian Adams
Old Man - David Macarthur
Ralph - Joel Michaely
Stavros - Nickolai Stoilov

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Sabrina's bedroom. Sabrina sits cross legged on her bed with a look of deep concentration. The Quizmaster and Salem watch on.

Salem- D'ya think maybe she's dead?

Her concentrations broken by the comment.

Sabrina- Oh forget it! This is totally impossible.

Quizmaster- You've got to be patient. Turning yourself into fire, water and wind is one of the hardest things a witch has to learn.

Salem- For me, it was learning when to say no to pie.

Quizmaster- Stop thinking about how bad it feels to get it wrong and start thinking how good it's gonna feel when you get it right.

Sabrina- Okay, I'll try again. But this time if my legs go numb I want help getting off the bed, not just pointing and jeering.

She crosses her legs once more into the lotus position and closes her eyes.

Quizmaster- Concentrate. You are no longer a physical being, you are a fluid entity. You are water!

Sabrina draws in a deep breath and becomes water. She maintains the physical shape of Sabrina but it's all pure H2O.

Sabrina- Hey, I did it!

Unfortunately surface tension can only hold this shape for a brief moment and once broken Sabrina splashes to the bed soaking the sheets and bed spread, adding a new angle to the term 'hold your water'

Quizmaster- Yes you did, and it only took you four weeks.

Salem- Am I the only one thinking we should have purchased some rubber sheets?

Run opening credits.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda is baking, Zelda is holding the phone and dancing, hoping excitedly from foot to foot.

Hilda- Oh-no! I knew this day would come. Zelda, there's no music.

Zelda- Westbridge High just hired me to be their new substitute chemistry teacher.

Hilda- But teachings so frustrating for you. Didn’t you once storm out in the middle of a class and never come back?

Zelda- Yes, but that was because they kept asking questions. And anyway that was a long time ago. Gosh I wonder what happened to them?

Int. School classroom. The desks are occupied by cob web covered skeletons except for the two grey haired old students who are still alive.

Old Woman- Do you think professor Spellman forgot about us?

Old Man- Lets give it another five minutes.

Int. Spellman Kitchen, Hilda still bakes, Zelda still wonders what happened to her old students. Sabrina enters all bright and breezy.

Sabrina- Morning.

Zelda- Good morning Sabrina, guess who’s going to be your new substitute teacher?

Zelda points at herself but for once nothing magical happens, if you don’t count putting a downer on Sabrina’s happy mood.

Zelda- (Cont.) Me!

Sabrina- Great! Y’know fitting in is hard enough without someone calling me sweat-pea.

Hilda- I thought I was the only one you called sweat-pea?

Zelda- Look, it’ll only be for a couple of weeks. Mr. Moline might get out of ICU today

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem and Sabrina try to solve some of the bigger questions facing mankind today.

Salem- D’ya think sea-monkeys make good pets?

Sabrina- If you like low maintenance.

Salem- How long would it take to hop across the world on your tongue?

Sabrina- Oh I don’t know, about six or seven...

She's interrupted by a fluorescent orange apparition in the shape of the Quizmaster.

Quizmaster- Oh yeah, this is a much better use of your time than studying for your elements test.

He hands her an envelope.

Quizmaster- (Cont.) For you.

Sabrina opens it.

Sabrina- An invitation! To what?

She opens the card and a disembodied and rather posh voice answers her question.

Disembodied Voice- You are cordially invited to enjoy high tea at the seven hundred and fifty-third annual Quizmaster/Pupil social. Parking free with validation.

Sabrina- Well it sounds like fun.

Quizmaster- Well it’s gotta be better than last year, the highlight was the Penyada. Pick you up this afternoon.

Sabrina- Today? I can’t go today, I have a million things to do.

Quizmaster- I’m sorry but attendance is er mandatory.

Sabrina- Y’know, every once in a while you could try bringing good news.

Quizmaster- Ah, a new ?????? local has just opened up by my apartment.

Sabrina- I meant good news for me.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina walks down the hallway very quietly hoping not to be spotted.

Zelda- Hi Sabrina.

Sabrina- Funny how you know my name and we are in no way related.

Harvey walks past.

Harvey- Hey Sabrina, your aunts here.

He walks on.

Sabrina- (To Zelda) You just had to tell everyone didn’t you. Well, are you nervous?

Zelda- Oh no, I’m feeling very confident. My lesson is prepared, it’s clear, concise. These students are going to learn like they’ve never learned before.

Int. Science class. Sabrina sits beside Harvey on the front row as Zelda gives her first lesson. She has just finished writing a complex formula on the chalkboard.

Zelda- There by creating the Redox reaction. So, let's solve that problem.

Her enthusiasm is met by a sea of blank looks from her students. She tries again this time writing in big letters on the chalkboard.

Zelda- So when you add the copper to the nitric acid, what will happen?

The tide has yet to go out on the sea of blank faces. Zelda starts again from scratch trying a new tactic.

Zelda- Then Mr. Copperman marries Mrs. Acid and they go on their noxious gas honeymoon.

The students have moved past blank expressions into a comatose state but Harvey raises his hand.

Zelda- You have a question?

Harvey- Bell rang ten minutes ago, can we go now?

Int. The Other Realm, Annual Quizmaster/Pupil Social. Smartly dressed waiters move among the many Quizmaster’s and the young pupils from all parts of both realms. The dinner is all but finished and the general level of chatter is on the up. Sabrina is still having her ear bent by the Quizmaster.

Quizmaster- I can’t believe you don’t know how to turn yourself into fire and wind yet, the test is in three days and if you don’t pass it you won’t get your witches licence.

Sabrina- You’ve mentioned that to me... oh five thousand times. I can turn myself into water.

Quizmaster- Anybody can do that. You see that waiter there?

The waiter walks past with a tray of drinks.

Quizmaster- (Cont.) Those aren’t cocktails, that’s a tray full of students.

Sabrina- Aw, I don’t even wanna know what the crab-cakes were.

Quizmaster- Thank goodness the head Quizmaster doesn’t know you don’t know your elements, I’d be dead meat

Sabrina- Oh it’s all about you.

Quizmaster- You know what your problem is Sabrina? Other students focus on getting it right, you focus on how you don’t wanna get it wrong.

Sabrina- Wow! How does it feel to be the most brilliant person in the universe?

She storms off in a huff.

Quizmaster- (Calling after) You’d think it paid more.

Int. The Other Realm, Annual Quizmaster-Pupil Social. Ladies room. A young witch is drying her hands as Sabrina enters and looks around.

Sabrina- Is there an exit in here?

Amy- Well each of those chairs has a swirling vortex.

Sabrina looks at the toilets and smiles at the joke.

Sabrina- I’ve got to get away from my Quizmaster, or as I like to call him ‘If evil had a face’

Amy- Is that an Indian name? Having trouble on your elements test?

Sabrina- Yeah, I can’t concentrate. I mean my Quizmaster keeps lecturing me

Amy- Really? They’re supposed to make it fun, not hard. Which one is he?

Sabrina- The one dressed as a rodeo clown who keeps shoving tea-cakes in his mouth. So you can see why I wanna leave.

Amy- You're supposed to stay for the whole thing. Besides, I hear there’s a door prize.

Sabrina- Yeah, I saw it. It’s actually a door.

Amy- Well some people think that expansion has diluted the Quizmaster talent pool.

Another unhappy student is brought into the ladies bathroom by her Quizmaster who’s dressed as a nun. The Quizmaster makes her sit but the student tries to rise again and is pushed back down as the nun Quizmaster gives her a telling off.

Sabrina- Or maybe there’s just a certain type of person drawn to the job.

Int. The Other Realm, Annual Quizmaster/Pupil Social. The Quizmaster stands waiting as Sabrina enters. She spots him and tries to dash out again but it’s too late.

Quizmaster- Oh Sabrina! There was a student who turned herself into fire while drinking a glass of water. That was incredible.

Sabrina- Darn! It’s amazing the things you miss when you're desperately trying to avoid you.

Sabrina makes for the exit again just as the head Quizmaster starts to address the gathering.

Head Quizmaster- Hi everyone.

The voice is unnervingly familiar to Sabrina who turns quickly to look and is horrified to see the young witch from the ladies room on the podium.

Amy- I just wanted to thank you all for coming, and er to tell you that I’m so pleased to see such a great turn out today.

Sabrina- (To the Quizmaster) Who’s that?

Quizmaster- Oh that’s the head Quizmaster. I think her official title is ‘The person who can fire your butt’

Sabrina- She’s so young.

Quizmaster- Yeah, she looks pretty good for six hundred. Are you okay Sabrina? You're whiter than usual.

Sabrina- Oh, no I’m just sick, very, very sick. In fact we should go before I do or say something that makes me sicker.

She grabs the Quizmaster’s arm and drags him towards the door but is intercepted on the way by the head Quizmaster.

Amy- (To Sabrina) Hello again.

Quizmaster- You two know each other?

Amy- Yes we’ve...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Never met. Ah you must be thinking of my evil twin but usually she’s a brunet.

Amy- Quizmaster seven-two-four-six-nine, are you aware that Sabrina is very unhappy with your teaching?

Quizmaster- Oh well, she’s in high school. She’s unhappy with everything. (To Sabrina) What’s going on?

Sabrina- I don’t know! Sounds like someone ate the tapioca pudding way past the expiration date.

Amy- Effective immediately you're terminated as Sabrina’s Quizmaster.

Quizmaster- What? But...!

Amy- (Interrupting) That will be all!

She leaves.

Sabrina- (Stamping her foot) Why doesn’t anybody age in this realm?

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda is giving her lecture on the redox reaction to an attentive pupil.

Zelda- Thank you for listening Salem. I get so frustrated trying to get these students to understand this chemistry problem. It ju-it just really helps to talk about it out loud.

Salem- No problemo.

Zelda turns to put her chalkboard away and reveals the ‘Punch me’ sign on her back, Salem laughs to himself. Sabrina comes down the stairs from the linen closet.

Zelda- Hi honey, how was your tea?

Sabrina- Oh, pretty average. Y’know, there was music, little sandwiches, tea of course. Oh and I got my Quizmaster fired.

Salem- What kind of sandwiches?

Salem gets the glare.

Zelda- What happened?

Sabrina- Oh nothing, I inadvertently said terrible things about him to a complete stranger, who turned out to be his boss. It’s really kind of funny when you think about it.

Salem- Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I don’t get it.

But he gets another glare from Sabrina.

Zelda- Was the Quizmaster angry?

Sabrina- I wish! He was hurt. Aunt Zelda, what am I going to do? I have to fix this.

Zelda- Well, the Witches Council has jurisdiction over the Quizmaster’s so you're going to have to talk to them.

Sabrina- Good, maybe I can explain things and get my Quizmaster back.

Salem- Ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, that’s not a joke either.

Obviously this glare thing isn’t working.

Ext. The Other Realm. Witches Council cloud. Sabrina states her case before the highest authority in the two realms.

Sabrina- And so I’m really sorry the whole thing ever happened. It’s totally my fault, I’m completely to blame... and I think there might have been something weird in the punch.

Judge- You’ve stated your case eloquently.

She bangs her Gavel.

Judge- (Cont.) No!

Sabrina- Why?

Judge- Miss Spellman, you explained how you got your Quizmaster fired but you never explained why you need him back.

Sabrina- Oh, well did I mention the punch?

Judge- (Calling) Quizmaster seven-two-four-six-nine.

The Quizmaster enters.

Judge- (Cont.) As of this moment you are assigned a new student.

She bangs her gavel again and a boy appears, bespectacled. bow tied and laden with books. A geek to the gills.

Judge- Meet Ralph.

Ralph- Sir, it is an honour to meet you. I have been following your career for years and it is a privilege to work with you.

Quizmaster- Ralph, I’m-I’m gonna enjoy working with you too.

Sabrina- You can’t be serious. You're not seriously going to teach him are you? I mean look at him, he’s obviously a trouble maker.

Quizmaster- You heard the judge.

Sabrina- But we can fight it. I mean, I said I was sorry. Don’t do this.

Quizmaster- Why don’t you just accept it? I mean you weren’t learning with me. It’s over.

Sabrina- Great! Have a nice life.

Quizmaster- Yeah! Nice knowin’ ya.

Sabrina- Yeah! You too.

Quizmaster- Well fine then!

Sabrina- Fine!

Quizmaster- Fine!

Sabrina- FINE!

Quizmaster- Let's go Ralph.

The Quizmaster and Ralph leave Sabrina clearly upset.

Sabrina- (To herself) I give them a month.

Int. Spellman kitchen. The following morning. Sabrina’s sat having breakfast, Salem sits reading the funnies in the morning paper. Sabrina hums a happy little tune to herself.

Sabrina- I’m so at peace about what’s happened between me and the Quizmaster. I believe everything happens for a reason.

Salem- And that’s why we call this stage denial.

Zelda enters.

Zelda- Hi sweetheart, how’re you feeling today.

Sabrina- I can’t believe the Quizmaster hasn’t had the decency to call me! After all the mean things he’s said!

Salem- Welcome anger.

Zelda- Well maybe you two just need a little time away from each other.

The toaster pings with a message from the Other Realm.

Sabrina- Hey, I bet that’s a letter from him.

Zelda reads it.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Get to the real grovelling parts.

Zelda- No, it’s from the Witches Council. Says they’re temporarily out of Quizmaster’s so you’ll have to be home schooled.

Sabrina- Oh, well I’m sure you’ll be an even better teacher than the Quizmaster.

Zelda- I’m afraid I’m too busy substituting to do it. It’s your aunt Hilda.

With impeccable timing Hilda enters from the dining room dressed in a plaid skirt and holding two golf clubs.

Hilda- Y’know what we haven’t played in a long time? Goofy-golf.

Sabrina- (The tears starting) Noooooooo!!

Salem- And let's give a big warm welcome to sadness.

Hilda- We don’t have to play.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina sits on the settee with Hilda. Hilda sits very upright with her eyes closed and a look of intense concentration on her face. Sabrina sits with her chin resting in her hands and a look of intense boredom on hers. Salem watches from the chair back.

Hilda- I think I’m turning into wind.

She wets her finger and holds it up.

Hilda- (Cont.) I feel a little breeze.

Salem- That’s just the life going out of us.

Hilda- Gosh, I guess I’ve kinda forgotten how to turn myself into any of the elements.

Sabrina- Take your time aunt Hilda, it’s okay. Y’know my test is only in TWO DAYS!

Hilda- I just haven’t turned myself into wind in years.

Salem- Would cabbage help?

Hilda- I guess the last time was when I was on vacation in the Caribbean with my boyfriend Danny. We got into a fight and he stormed out to take a walk. Well I didn’t want him to enjoy his walk so I...

Int. Hilda's recolection. Hurricane Hilda lashes the shores of Barbados with fearsome force.

Int. Spellman living room.

Hilda- (Cont.) But in the end the joke was on me, he fell in love with one of his rescue workers.

Int. Westbridge High School. Science class.

Sabrina- (To Harvey) This is ridiculous, I can’t figure out this stupid redox reaction, can you?

Harvey- No, that could be because this is the class before lunch.

Sabrina- Well at least we’re not the only ones. Looks like Libby’s about to have a nervous breakdown.

Zelda comes down the isle between the benches to Libby who is getting precisely nowhere with the redox reaction other than to the verge of tears.

Zelda- Libby? Do you have a question? Do you want me to explain the problem again?

The whole class- NO!

Libby- Forget it, just uph, give me an ‘F’ I’m getting an ‘A’ in typing, it’ll average out.

Zelda- Perhaps an analogy will help you.

Libby buries her head in her hands.

Zelda- (Cont.) Say you have a sweater and a skirt that you always wear together, and say one day you decide to wear the sweater with a new skirt. Therefore the new skirt and the old skirt both change into something different. That’s exactly what happens to the copper.

Libby tries to take in what Zelda tells her and you can see her mind clanking over.

Sabrina- (To Harvey) This is great. Is Libby actually drooling?

Zelda- You see the copper...

Libby- (Interrupting) Gives an electron to the hydrogen in the nitric acid, causing the copper to become a solution.

Zelda- That’s it Libby!

Libby- And that means the hydrogen would be released as a gas.

Zelda- M-hm, give it a try.

The whole class watches as Libby puts on her safety goggles and adds some copper to the Acid releasing the puff of hydrogen that is the redox reaction.

Zelda- Way to go, Libby!

Libby and Zelda hug.

Libby- Oh dear lord, I just hugged a teacher.

Sabrina- Great! Well I can never touch aunt Zelda again.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda’s second elements lesson is underway.

Hilda- I’ve got it! I remember how to turn myself into fire.

Salem- If it involves dried branches and kerosene, it’s not really magic.

Hilda- No! No! It’s so easy. All you have to do is think like fire.

Sabrina- Well that’s helpful. I’m really enjoying vague university.

Hilda- I can’t believe I’ve finally figured out how to do it and I can’t explain it.

Salem- Might I suggest the fine art of shadow puppets.

Hilda- Y’know what? Maybe it would help if I talked you through it once.

Sabrina- Good idea.

Sabrina stands and Hilda positions her, she closes her eyes and concentrates.

Hilda- Ready?

Sabrina nods yes.

Hilda- (Cont.) Okay... BE FIRE!

Sabrina- I’m gonna fail!

Hilda- I know you can do this, you're just not thinking.

Sabrina- Yes I am! I’m talking aren’t I? Don’t you have to think to be able to talk?

Hilda- No, parrots talk.

Sabrina- Oh so now I’m a parrot. I’m as dumb as a bird, is that it?

She angrily storms off.

Hilda- No, that’s not what I meant. Besides parrots aren’t dumb, at that show at the zoo they ride bicycles.

Sabrina- I’m going upstairs, that’s if I can figure out how to use the stairs.

Hilda- Sabrina wait!

But it’s too late Sabrina’s gone.

Hilda- (To Salem) What just happened here?

Salem- They also have a goose who can tap dance.

Int. The Other Realm. Outside apartment number 2. Sabrina knocks on the door, it’s answered by a mouse. A six foot two mouse holding a frying pan and smoking a stooge.

Mouse- What?

Sabrina- Hi, I’m looking for my Quizmaster, well my ex Quizmaster. Who are you?

Mouse- I’m his room mate, but from the way I clean up after him you’d think I was his mother. Come on in.

Int. The Quizmaster’s apartment. It’s as loud as his taste in clothes.

Mouse- (Calling) Hey! Some broads here to see ya.

Sabrina- Wow, this place would drive a rat insane. No offence.

The Quizmaster enters and is surprised to see Sabrina.

Quizmaster-Oh hi!

Sabrina- Hi.

A pregnant pause.

Mouse- I hate to interrupt your sparkling repartee with Dorothy Parker but we're out of charcoal for cats.

Quizmaster- Man, put it on the list.

Sabrina- Look, I just came by because I was updating my address book and I forgot your apartment number.

Quizmaster- It’s two.

Sabrina- Right.

Another awkward pause.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Look, I’m really sorry about what happened the other day.

Quizmaster- It was all my fault. I was mad, y’know you said some things...

Ralph enters from the back room unseen.

Ralph- (Interrupting) I was beginning to worry. Hello Sabrina.

Sabrina- What’s he doing here?

Quizmaster- Nothing, I’m just quizzing him.

Sabrina- At your apartment? You never quizzed me at your apartment!

Ralph- Really? What about his weekend place in Lake Arrowhead?

Quizmaster- Ralph, that’s enough! How about we end our lesson for today.

He guides Ralph to the door.

Ralph- Oh okay, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow Albert.

Ralph leaves.

Sabrina- Your name is Albert? you never told me your name was Albert!

Quizmaster- You never asked!

Sabrina- Well that’s not fair. I just assumed your name was Quizmaster and that fact that it was also your job just was a happy accident.

Quizmaster- Y’know, you haven’t changed one bit. You're never willing to admit it when you're wrong.

Sabrina- What? I’m the one who keeps apologising to you!

Quizmaster- Just admit it, you need me.

Sabrina- You're dreaming, I’ve moved on. In fact I’ve found a new Quizmaster and I’ve never been happier.

Quizmaster- Well me too. Ralph is the best student I’ve ever had, and he can even turn himself into uranium. Okay, I’m radioactive now but the point is he can do it.

Sabrina- So! I’ve learned all the elements and passed my mid-term with flying colours.

Quizmaster- Really?

Sabrina- ...NO!

She storms out of the apartment upset and angry. The Quizmaster watches her go looking a little upset himself. The mouse enters from the kitchen.

Mouse- She so wanted me.

Ext. The Other Realm. The Witches Council Cloud. Sabrina runs in on them without an appointment.

Sabrina- I’ve got it, I know why I need my Quizmaster back now.

Judge- You know you can’t just barge in here assuming we have nothing to do.

They both stand and watch a tumbleweed role slowly across the cloud.

Judge- Proceed.

Sabrina- Okay, well he and I just got in this huge fight and I’m hurt and angry and I never want to see him again.

The council look at one another confused.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Don’t you see? We’re friends!

Judge- Miss Spellman, does this dysfunctional story have a point?

Sabrina- Well I didn’t realise we were friends before and that’s why I need him. I mean when I think about all the times we shared together.

Shirley Bassey’s ‘Memories’ plays over the following.

The Sarengetti, vast herds of wildabeasts and zebra move across the huge plains as a hot-air balloon floats over. Sabrina and the Quizmaster take photos from the balloons basket and point things out to each other laughing.

Spellman’s kitchen were a tattoo artist has just finished tattooing Sabrina’s face onto the Quizmaster’s shoulder. Sabrina shows off a similar tattoo of the Quizmaster on hers with the legend ‘Keep on Quizzing’ beneath.

The blood transfusion van. Sabrina and the Quizmaster run laughing and tickling one another as the enter. Later Sabrina jumps out but The Quizmaster is less steady and faints once the fresh air hits him.

Sabrina’s bedroom. The Quizmaster spars with Sabrina, they both wear big red boxing gloves. Sabrina gets him with a good left jab but leaves herself open to the right hook. She's down for the count and out.

Spellman living room. The Quizmaster sits on the settee. Sabrina enters modelling a yellow floral print summer dress and gives him a twirl. Later Sabrina sits on the Settee as the Quizmaster models the same yellow floral print summer dress.

The music fades and back at the Witches Council cloud.

Sabrina- (Cont.) So that’s why I need my Quizmaster back with me, because nothing makes a better teacher than a friend.

Judge- (Wiping away a tear) Wow! NO!

Sabrina stamps her foot in frustration.

Int. Westbridge High School Science class. The next day, The redox reaction is still the problem to be solved and most of them are getting there. Libby has just helped Harvey to figure it out and there’s a flash of yellow smoke from Harvey’s beaker.

Harvey- Cool! That’s the seventh time today. Thanks for your help Libby.

Libby leaves.

Harvey- (To Sabrina) Sorry.

Sabrina- I’m the only person in class who still hasn’t figured it out.

Harvey- I don’t think our foreign exchange students gotten it either.

There a small puff behind them as the foreign exchange student gets it.

Zelda- Way to go, Liosh.

Stavros- (Subtitles) Even with my rudimentary understanding of English, I am more advanced than the blonde girl.

Sabrina- Maybe I’ve used up my brain and it’s not going to function anymore and it’s going to sit on top of my neck and get softer and softer until the weight of my hair crushes it and I have to wear a hat around.

She’s rapidly working herself up to the nervous breakdown she thought Libby was about to have.

Harvey- We could work on the problem some more.

Sabrina- I just feel like such a dunce.

She stares at her beaker and drifts into a depressed daydream. She walks into the classroom and everyone’s sat there looking at her smiling.

Dream Harvey- Hi Sabrina, did you dress yourself today?

Dream Sabrina- Yes I dressed myself and someday I hope to be able to feed myself.

Dream Harvey- That’s right, and how do we feed ourselves? With a spoon.

He pats the dream Sabrina on her head.

Dream Hilda- Parrots also play tennis, can you?

Dream Zelda- Sabrina, you have a very special chemistry assignment today, you get to clap the erasers.

Dream Sabrina- (Taking the erasers) Okay, but I feel kinda silly.

The dream Sabrina begins the clap the erasers together

Dream Zelda- Oh look everyone. Look how well Sabrina claps the erasers.

Everyone is laughing as Zelda brings her out to the front of the class and the Dream Sabrina becomes more and more excited by the simple task.

Dream Sabrina- Sabrina likes clapping erasers. Sabrina likes clapping erasers.

While in the real world. Sabrina’s lost in the depths of her awful daydream as Libby stands beside her trying to get her attention.

Libby- Sabrina. SABRINA! Oh don’t make me touch.

Libby claps her hands snapping Sabrina out of her daydream and into a waking nightmare.

Sabrina- What do you want Libby?

Libby- Your aunt asked me to come help you with your experiment.

Sabrina- What?!

Libby- Yes, and I’m going to need to know a few things about you before we begin. Do you know how to add and subtract?

Sabrina- I don’t need help, Libby.

Libby- Yes you do, in many, many ways.

Sabrina- GO AWAY!

Libby- not until...

Sabrina points at her.

Libby- (Cont.) th-t’eh

Sabrina- What? What’s that Libby?

Libby tries to push her tongue back into her mouth but it won’t go.

Libby- Thu, teth.

Sabrina- Sorry, I can’t understand you.

Libby runs from the class to hide her sticking out tongue as Sabrina goes to have a word with her aunt. She’s getting towards the end of her tether. Her aunt sees her coming and waves her finger.

Zelda- Freeze!

The whole class freezes as time stands still for everyone but the witches.

Zelda- (Cont.) Sabrina, what’s going on?

Sabrina- You know Libby, my mortal enemy, the Albatross around my neck, that stinky faced meanie?

Zelda- Yes.

Sabrina- Well that’s the same Libby that you’ve become friends with and now you’ve asked her to be my tutor?

Zelda- Honey, I simply...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Wanted to publicly humiliate me? I mean I understand, why not? I-I-I can’t figure out this chemistry problem and I can’t even think about trying to pass my elements test! Man, it would feel great to just disappear!

She just about reached critical mass with the pressure and strain of everything that’s pressing in on her and with a stamp of her foot she achieves her wish and a small tornado of pent up frustration and emotion whirls blowing papers around the room before passing out through the door and off down the hallway. Instead of being upset or annoyed by Sabrina’s little temper tantrum Zelda is elated.

Zelda- Alright!

Int. Spellman living room. Salem is watching TV as Sabrina blows through. He doesn't even bother to turn round.

Salem- Tornado in the house!

He carries on watching TV.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda is putting her violin away and feels a sudden chill draft. She rubs her arms and turns to see what the winds blown in, it’s Sabrina.

Hilda- Oh cool! It’s you. I was about to put on a sweater.

Sabrina stands breathless and excited.

Sabrina- Wait! There’s an encore.

She throws up her arms and spontaneously combusts into a small contained bonfire.

Hilda- Oh, way to go!

And with a gesture Sabrina’s back just as Zelda makes it back from the school.

Zelda- Oh I knew you could do it!

The toaster pings and Sabrina goes to answer it.

Sabrina- Hey, it’s a letter from the Witches Council, I’ve passed my elements test!

Hilda- Great! Maybe I should go into teaching.

Sabrina- Wow! I freed up my mind and things just clicked. Aunt Zelda! I now understand that chemistry problem. When the coppers being oxidised, the hydrogen’s being reduced.

Zelda- Oh thank goodness I don’t have to fail you.

She gives Sabrina a kiss on the cheek.

Sabrina- Wow! I can’t remember when I felt so good... Yes I do. It was with the Quizmaster, that bonehead.

Sabrina heads off towards the stairs.

Hilda- Still waiting for someone to say ‘Yeah Hilda, you should go into teaching’

Ext. The Other Realm, The Witches Council Cloud. Once again Sabrina is finishing up stating her case.

Sabrina- And that’s why I need my Quizmaster back. I mean he’s the one who guides me. Because of him I know the joy of learning, and if that’s not it I’m out of ideas.

Judge- No, you got it right, we’re discussing dinner plans. He can be your Quizmaster again.

Sabrina- Whoo-hoo! I bet you're pretty impressed I figured it out huh?

Judge- No. Most Witches get it right away, you took so long we actually started an office pool.

She lifts up a sweep chart.

Judge- (Cont.) Who had Sabrina, Wednesday at three?

One of the council members happily raises his hand.

Judge- (Cont.) Everybody, pay the man.

Sabrina- There’s something very wrong with you people.

Int. The Other Realm. Outside apartment No 2. Sabrina knocks and the Quizmaster answers.

Sabrina- Hi! I don’t want to bother you, I know you're probably quizzing the amazing Ralph.

Quizmaster- No-no, no it’s okay. Hold on.

He closes the door slightly

Quizmaster- Ralph, Sabrina and I need to talk. Give us a few minutes okay.

Ralph- No problem chief.

He opens the door wide again.

Quizmaster- Great kid.

Sabrina- Yeah, well I just wanted to let you know that I passed my elements test.

Quizmaster- Alright!

Sabrina- Yeah, you were right. I wasn’t learning because all I could think about was getting it wrong.

Quizmaster- I’m proud of you, but erm but er I think I should get back quizzing Ralph.

Sabrina- Right.

He starts to close the door but Sabrina stops him.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Y’know what? Erm actually I’ve been kinda rude to Ralph, I should apologise.

Int. The Quizmaster’s apartment. Sabrina pushes past him looking for Ralph.

Sabrina- (Calling) Ralph!

Quizmaster- Ralph’s not here, I’ve been throwing my voice.

Sabrina- May I ask why?

Quizmaster- I’m not tutoring Ralph anymore, I broke it off.

Sabrina- But he was the perfect student.

Quizmaster- I know, it was so annoying. Well, I missed you and the way you always loathed seeing me. I think maybe I’ve got self-esteem issues.

Sabrina- This is great! I mean not your self hatred. The Witches Council said that you can quiz me again. That is if you want to.

Quizmaster- Of course I want to.

Sabrina- Great! You know I’ll deny this under oath but I missed you.

Quizmaster- I knew it, well I missed you too.

Sabrina- Great! well erm all right, see you later okay, um...

Quizmaster- Albert.

Sabrina- Yeah. Let's just stick with Quizmaster, okay?

Ext. The Other Realm. High in the sky a hot-air balloon drifts. The Quizmaster points out the landmarks to Sabrina.

Quizmaster- And down there, that’s where I went to elementary school.

Run credits.

Sabrina- Wow, almost as exciting as where you bought your tooth paste.

Quizmaster- Hey! Well you're the one who thought it’d be fun to take a hot-air balloon ride.

Sabrina- It was more fun in my imagination, I don’t know why.

Mouse- I’m having a great time. Whoever brought the brie, thank you.

Sabrina- Let's get out of here, I’ve had my fill of talking vermin.

Mouse- (To the Quizmaster) She so wants me.



Pic of the Week