Suspicious Minds

Ext. Spellman Porch. Zelda arrives home from her date with Mr. Kraft and he escorts her to the door.

Mr. Kraft- Well I had a wonderful time this evening.

Zelda- Me too.

The drapes at the side window rustle and two faces appear.

Mr. Kraft- He really is the lord of the dance, huh?

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina and Hilda stand at the window snooping. Hilda carries Salem in her arms.

Sabrina- Oh he’s not going to kiss her goodnight, is he?

Hilda- Oh I hope not. His depth perceptions terrible. He was always getting his nose in my eye.

Sabrina- Why do you tell me things like that so close to my bed time?

At the door Mr. Kraft turns to leave and Zelda opens the door holding her hand over her eye.

Zelda- Really I’m fine. You missed the cornea.

She closes the door. Hilda rushes to the settee and flops on it as Zelda enters the living room. Sabrina’s caught at the window.

Zelda- And may I ask what you are doing?

Sabrina- Oh I was just er, gonna use the drapes to make play-suits for the Von Trap children.

Zelda- That’s your story?

Sabrina- Yeah, I think it holds together.

She leans against the piano.

Zelda- We’ll just see about that.

She points and a man in a lab coat appears beside Sabrina with a box. A pressure sleeve circles the young witches arm. Styluses quiver over the paper that runs from the box.

Sabrina- A lie-detector? I can’t believe you think I’d lie to you!

The stylus’ jerk from side to side in sudden violent movement.

Sabrina- (To the technician) Are you open to a bribe?

Run opening credits.

Int. Westbridge High School. Mr. Kraft substitutes for Mrs. Polaudie’s social studies class.

Mr. Kraft- So the assignment that Mrs. Polaudie has left for you while she’s out sick, has you splitting up into couples. So you can experience the...

He looks down at the clip-board in his hand and ticks off the points as he reads.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Realities, joys and responsibilities of marriage.

He looks again at the clip-board.

Mr. Kraft- Hm. For some reason there’s nothing here about the corresponding pain, torture and humiliation. Everything’s so PC these days. Everyday you will receive a different task. Make a budget. Huh! Please. Set common goals. Yeah I’m sure. Ha-ha! Share your feelings...

As he reads off the list Harvey leans over to Sabrina and hands her a slip of paper. They smile at each other and Libby tries to see what’s written there over Sabrina’s shoulder. Sabrina opens the note. It reads ‘The Spellman-Kinkle’s’ She smiles across at Harvey and mouths ‘I do.’

Mr Kraft- (Cont.) Right! Share my feeling with a woman who spends all day yacking on the phone and doesn’t have two seconds...

Libby raises her hand and coughs.

Mr Kraft- (Cont.) Yes Libby?

Libby- I was just wondering if you need help pairing up the couples? So you’re free to focus on your bitterness.

Sabrina looks on concerned, suspecting troubles coming.

Mr Kraft- Thank you Libby. You are a delightful throwback.

Libby smirks at Sabrina.

Int. School hallway. Harvey comes out of the class with Sabrina.

Harvey- I’m really sorry we weren’t paired up together. I’m kinda surprised I got Libby.

Sabrina- Yeah, dig surprise. Right up there with snow in December.

Harvey- You don’t mind do you?

He opens his locker and a book slides off the top shelf where it was crammed in amongst the untidy accumulation of essential requirements for a day in school and crashes to the ground. He bends to retrieve it.

Sabrina- No. It’s just an assignment. It’s not like you’re really married. Besides, you’re always working on your car, you won’t even have time to see her.

Harvey- I can’t work on my car until I can afford that heater-valve, remember? My afternoons are totally free.

Sabrina- Oh well it’s never too soon to start preparing for your SAT’s.

Harvey- You’re always looking out for me Sabrina.

He smiles, bends down and kisses her cheek. She smiles, feeling a lot better.

Sabrina- I love it when you do that.

Harvey- And it’s even more fun now that it’s so wrong.

He walks off grinning. Libby approaches Sabrina

Libby- In the future when you’d like to speak with my husband, you go through me.

She smiles a smug smile and goes after Harvey.

Libby- (Calling after) Harvey darling! Wait.

Sabrina- (Calling after) It’s just an assignment. Make-believe! You’re not really married.

Sabrina’s assigned husband pops his head round the corner and smiles at his beautiful new assigned wife.

Gordie- Hi honey! I’m home.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem sits on the table with a pair of spectacles perched on the edge of his nose reading the financial section. Zelda sits at her lap-top computer trying to work as Hilda paces.

Hilda- Why wont you tell me what you and Willard talk about?

Zelda- Because it’s none of your business.

Hilda- He’s tattooed my name to his arm hasn’t he?

Zelda- No, he hasn’t.

Hilda- Oh so you’ve seen his arms.

Zelda raises her eyes to the heavens as Sabrina storms in and throws down her nap-sack in a mood.

Salem- What’s the matter with you? Did somebody get their chocolate in your peanut-butter?

Sabrina- No, Libby’s trying to steal Harvey.

Zelda- Oh, You know Sabrina, no-one can be stolen unless they want to be.

Hilda- Oh so now Willard wanted to be stolen!

Sabrina- I trust Harvey, it’s Libby I don’t trust.

Zelda- As the saying goes. It takes two to tango.

Salem- Zelda we’re not talking about dancing here. We’ve got two people... Oh. please continue.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina sorts her wardrobe as Salem sits on her bed and offers sage advice.

Salem- Oh you poor, naive little thing. So innocent of the ways of love.

Sabrina- I told you, I trust Harvey. It doesn’t matter what Libby does, Harvey would never cheat on me.

Salem- That’s what I thought when I was dating Madam Curie. Marie, she started spending a lot of time in the lab with Pierre. They told me it was an experiment but I knew better. She kept saying ‘The phrase’

Sabrina- Stay away from me or I’ll call the police?

Salem- No. Don’t you trust me?

Sabrina- You knew she was cheating on you because she said ‘Don’t you trust me?’

Salem- That and I hired a detective from the Other Realm who got some pictures of them sharing more than radiation. <Sob!>

Sabrina- I’m not hiring a detective to spy on Harvey! For the last time, I trust him.

Salem- A-ha! Do you even know where he is?

Sabrina- Yes. He’s at home, I’ll prove it to you.

She takes the phone and presses the speed dial button that’s always set to Harvey’s number. Harvey answers with his mouth full

Harvey- Hello?

Sabrina- Hello Harvey, I knew you’d be home.

He tries to wash the cookies down with a glass of milk, unsuccessfully.

Harvey- Hi Sabrina.

Libby walks round behind Harvey and takes the phone from him.

Libby- Hi Sabrina.

Sabrina- Libby? What’s Libby doing there?

Salem- Proving my point.

Harvey- She came over and brought me some home-made cookies.

Sabrina- I don’t remember that being part of the assignment?

Libby grabs the phone again.

Libby- Good-bye Sabrina. I don’t wanna keep you from your ice-cream and romance novel.

She hits the off button. Sabrina’s shocked and livid.

Sabrina- (To Salem) Do you still have that detectives number?

Salem- You’ve got ice-cream?

Int. The Other Realm. Sabrina walks down a seedy hallway in an office building. Dim light is thrown in bars by the the blinds on the window. A door with a rendition of a spy-glass and a closed eye with the words ‘Private Eye’ painted on the frosted glass. She knocks on the door and the eye in the spy-glass opens making her jump back in surprise. No-one answers her knock so nervously she reaches for the handle and opens the door.

Int. The detectives office. The door opens in monochrome. A pair of elegant black shoes enter with a gold ankle chain glittering. Seamed stockings extend to a slim-cut forties style dress. A fur stole is draped over one shoulder and the hat screams wealth. She opens a compact with satin gloved fingers.

Bogart- She blew into my office like a cool breeze on a hot summer day.

Sabrina- Who said that?

Blinds shutter the windows and a fan turns slowly above disturbing the dust from the filing cabinets. The furnishings are sparse. A large desk dominates the room with a chair in front. Behind is an apperantly empty swivel chair that faces away. Sabrina powders her nose.

Bogart- But trouble clung to her like a cotton sheet to a wet dog.

Sabrina- Okay, I get it! Is there anyone here who can help me?

The chair swung round towards her and a man, a small man with a beard, wearing shirt sleeves and suspenders with a trilby perched rakishly on his head looked up at her.

Detective- It depends on what kinda help you’re lookin’ for sweetheart.

Sabrina- Roland?!

Roland- Sabrina! You’ve found me.

Sabrina- What happened to your job as an equaliser?

Roland- Oh they went totally digital. So, let me guess. Trouble with Farm-boy? Steppin’ out on ya huh?

Sabrina- No!... Maybe.

Roland leaned forward in his seat smelling business.

Roland- A hundred bucks a day plus expenses.

Sabrina- Sure, I make that a night baby-sitting. I don’t have that kind of money.

Roland- This ain’t no charity ward baby. The fog machine, the voice over guy, they all cost money.

Sabrina stands.

Sabrina- Forget it. This was a bad idea.

She heads for the door.

Roland- Oh wait. I just remembered, I’m running a special this month.

He points at his desk producing a price list and hands it to Sabrina.

Sabrina- (Reading) "An hour of surveillance for one minute of hand holding." Thanks, I’ll call you if I ever stop screaming.

She walks to the door.

Bogart- Like peanut butter to the roof of your...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Knock it off!

She leaves and Roland flops back in his seat.

Int. Westbridge High school hallway in full colour. Sabrina’s at her locker putting books in her bag as Harvey arrives.

Harvey- Hey Sabrina, sorry about yesterday.

He gives her a peck on the cheek making her smile as they walk down the hallway.

Sabrina- That’s okay. Now that Libby’s been to your house I guess the worst is over.

They arrive at Harvey’s locker to find Libby there and Harvey’s tip of a locker all neatly arranged with a place for everything and everything in its place.

Harvey- Wow! Libby did you do all this?

Libby- Me and locker-world. There’s separate places for your books, for your lunch and an odour proof, lead lined compartment for your gym-shoes.

Sabrina- (To Harvey) Remember, I gave you a roach-motel.

Libby- I just wanted to make sure I did a good job on today’s assignment.

She picks up a card from the locker.

Libby- (Cont.) (Reading) "Wives: Do something nice for your husbands."

Mr. Kraft chooses that moment to come round the corner and overhears.

Mr. Kraft- For a change. Not just take, take, take. Excellent work Libby.

He leaves Libby smiling and Sabrina scowling.

Libby- I’ll see you at lunch Harvey. I’ve packed us something special.

She leaves.

Sabrina- (To Harvey) You’re having lunch with her now?

Harvey- Thanks for being so understanding. You’re the best.

Sabrina smiles happily at the compliment and turns her cheek and closes her eyes expecting a little kiss. When she opens them Harvey’s gone and she hurries after him to the corner.

Sabrina- Hey! My kiss.

but he doesn’t hear and as she sulks she spots the phone and digs in her bag for Roland’s price list. Sabrina taps his number in.

Sabrina- (Down the phone) Hello Roland?

A shimmer of light and he’s stood behind her

Roland- I knew you’d call back. Dame’s are so predictable.

Sabrina- (Down the phone) I’ve gotta know what’s going on between Harvey and Libby. Can you start right away?

Roland reaches up and taps he on the butt getting her attention.

Roland- As soon as we settle our fee. One minute, payable immediately.

He holds out his hand and with a resigned sigh she takes it in hers. Roland smiles happily.

Roland- Ooh! One hippopotamus.... Two hippopotamus.... Three hippopotamus....

Int. Spellman hallway. Zelda laughs, sat talking on the phone as Hilda bounces down the stairs and opens the store closet.

Zelda- (Down the phone) Oh Willard, that’s hilarious.

Hilda overhears and points producing an enormous cloud of smoke and an extension hand set. It’s probably the smoke that gave her away as before she can get the extension to her ear.

Zelda- (Cont.) Oh do me a favour, put down the phone.

After a second.

Zelda- Oh-oh-oh, you’re too much.

As she talks she does a little pointing herself and picks up the air-horn and holds it to the mouthpiece of the phone. With a press of the button she gives her nosy sister a perforated eardrum.

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. Libby is making sure her husband has a good balanced mid day meal. Balanced that is if there was a Mack Truck on the other scale. Sabrina enters with her own lunch tray and peeps round the corner at the array of loaded silverware that Libby is presenting to Harvey. Below her a news paper floats.

Newspaper- Psst!

Sabrina looks down and the paper is folded to reveal Roland on stake out duty in a white windcheater and a multicoloured baseball cap stuck sideways on his head.

Roland- I bet you didn’t recognise me huh?

Sabrina- What are you supposed to be?

Roland- An exchange student. Pretend like you don’t know me.

Sabrina- Well that shouldn’t be hard, it’s my fantasy.

She glowers after him as he walks up to Harvey and Libby’s table and pulls up a chair to the end of the table.

Roland- Hello fellow students.

Harvey- Aren’t you Sabrina’s cousin?

Roland- Guess again Farm-boy. So you two are dating?

At her own table Sabrina strains to see what the little troll is up to.

Gordie- Well?

She snaps her attention back to her own husband sat opposite.

Sabrina- Well what?

Gordie- Our assignment. (He picks up a card and reads) Ah "Wives prepare a special treat for your husbands and try not to bring it up resentfully years later during an argument."

Sabrina- Right. Oh, I got you a fruit-cup.

She takes the fruit-cup she got for herself and hands it over.

At the other table Roland is still working on his cover story.

Roland- How many times do I have to tell you? I’m not Sabrina’s cousin. I’m from Iceland. My name is Bjorn.

Harvey- Okay Bjorn. And how many times do I have to tell you, Libby’s not my girlfriend, Sabrina is.

With a scowl Roland climbs down from his chair, stomps over to Sabrina and draws her away from Gordie.

Sabrina- What d’ya find out?

Roland- Forget it, move on. You and Harvey are history.

Sabrina- What?! I can’t believe it.

Roland- Well that’s just my preliminary report. If you need more details?

He holds out his small hand smiling. Sabrina scowls down at him and overhears.

Harvey- Great lunch Libby.

She turns towards them and while her backs turned Roland points at Harvey. Sabrina sees him lean forward and give Libby a kiss on her cheek.

Harvey- (Cont.) You’re the best.

He turns away confused and heads towards Sabrina.

Sabrina- That’s my kiss! You just kissed Libby!

Harvey- Just on the cheek.

Sabrina- Then you admit it!

Harvey- What’s wrong Sabrina? Don’t you trust me?

Sabrina- What did you say?

Harvey- Don’t you trust me?

He leaves Sabrina furious and gobsmacked. She turns to Roland.

Sabrina- Find out everything. I want pictures, I want video, moneys no object.

Int. Spellman living room. Once again Zelda’s on the phone to you know who.

Zelda- (Down the phone) Tomorrow, eight o’clock.

She strolls past the sound-proof booth and waves to Hilda within whose wearing a pair of ear-phones playing loud rock and roll and glaring through the glass.

Zelda- (Cont.) See you then Willard.

She presses the disconnect button and lets Hilda out.

Zelda- (To Hilda) I hope you’ve learned your lesson?

Hilda- What lesson? Ha! Is Willard trying to get you to teach me a lesson? Is that what he’s doing?

Zelda- Hilda you need to find a therapist. One that doesn’t refer to you as ‘Caller number two’

Hilda- He’d better not be taking you to the stock-yard because that was our special place.

Zelda gives up in exasperation and runs for the stairs. Hilda follows.

Zelda- I’m not telling you anything!

She runs upstairs. Hilda stamps her foot and Salem lifts his head from the back of the settee where he’s been pretending to sleep.

Salem- But I might providing there’s tuna. Na-ah-ah-ah-ah.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina walks along looking glum as Harvey comes up behind her.

Harvey- Hey Sabrina, how’s it going?

Sabrina- What’s that supposed to mean?

Harvey- Nothing.

Sabrina- Oh, so now you’re hiding things from me?

Harvey- What am I hiding from you?

Sabrina- How should I know?

Harvey- How should you know what?

Sabrina- Oh perfect. Pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about.

Harvey- Who’s pretending?

He walks off confused while Sabrina turns to her locker only to find Roland in it.

Roland- Sorry, I had to get my camera.

Sabrina- I’m so glad you’re here. Harvey’s acting totally weird.

‘Suspicious Minds’ by the Everly brothers starts up and plays through the following.

Roland peeps out round a classroom door with a big box camera and huge flash and sees Libby at her locker. She’s chewing gum and swallows it getting it stuck in her throat. As she chokes and gags Harvey comes rushing up behind her, puts his arms about her and performs the hienlich manoeuvre. She spits up the gum and turns her head with a smile of thanks. >FLASH< What a nice picture.

In class Gordie calculates their imaginary family budget and proud of the results he shows it to Sabrina. She takes no notice as she doodles ‘Harvey Kinkle’ along with lots of little love hearts all over her exercise book. Gordie slumps back in his seat feeling unappreciated. Could there be someone else?

Sabrina stands at her locker looking heart-sick as Harvey and Libby are at Harvey’s, ever so neat, locker laughing about something. Gordie comes up behind her with a lovely single red rose. Sabrina closes her locker and walks away unknowingly cutting the head off the flower. Gordie watches after her.

Gordie watches Sabrina with puppydog eyes as they sit together in the cafeteria while Sabrina watches Libby and her cheerleaders perform. Harvey sits at the front clapping along with the rest of the students. Libby goes up to him and tickles his tum with her pom-poms. Disgusted Sabrina gets up to leave. As she passes, Libby gives her a dig in the back with her pom-poms. Oh if looks could kill. The cheerleaders continue their cheer, even the little troll like one on the end with the beard.

Janitor Roland mops the hallways and peers round the corner waiting his moment. The timing couldn’t be better as Libby passes he shoves out his mop tripping her. She stumbles forward into Harvey’s arms and Roland has his camera conveniently to hand >FLASH< That’s another for the family album.

The music fades.

PI Roland catches up with Sabrina in the classroom and plonks the incriminating evidence before her. Sabrina picks up the photos.

Roland- It ain’t pretty, but the truth never is.

Sabrina- I never knew betrayal came wallet sized.

She throws the pictures down, grabs her bag and storms out of the classroom. Roland watches her leave.

Roland- (To self) Goodbye Farm-boy, hello Roland.

School hallway. Sabrina finds her man.

Sabrina- Harvey Kinkle! You’ve got a lot of explaining to do.

Harvey- About what?

Sabrina- Oh, You know about what.

Harvey- Sabrina. I hate this game, it makes my head hurt.

Sabrina- You and Libby. You were all over her in the cafeteria, you were hugging her in the hallway.

Harvey- What are you talking about? I thought you trusted me?

He turns to leave hurt.

Sabrina- But... Well can’t we talk about this?

Harvey- I have to meet Libby. It’s our anniversary tonight.

He holds up the assignment card and leaves.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Oh well, if your really supposed to be her husband shouldn’t you forget your anniversary?

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina paces back and forth talking on the phone.

Sabrina- What do you mean, you don’t know where they are? What kind of mother are you?... Hello?... Mrs. Kinkle, hello?

She stares at the phone before putting it down and Roland picks his moment to appear sitting on her chaise lounge.

Roland- I’ve found out where they’re going! Someplace called The Knoll.

Sabrina- They’re going to The Knoll? But that’s a big make-out... Come on!

She leads Roland out of her bedroom. The pair arrive at the front door just as the door-bell rings.

Sabrina- Quick! Blend in.

She points at Roland and his new hat is remarkable like a lamp shade. He stands still pretending to be a very short standard-lamp while Sabrina answers the door.

Gordie- Happy anniversary.

He holds out his anniversary card but Sabrina only has eyes for something else he’s brought along.

Sabrina- Is that your car?

Gordie- Er It will be in fifty-three payments.

Sabrina goes to grab her coat.

Gordie- (Cont.) What a funny looking lamp.

Sabrina takes his arm and directs him back towards the door while the lamp tries to take a kick at him.

Sabrina- Yeah, fascinating. Um why don’t we talk about it on the way to The Knoll?

Gordie- It’ll break my mothers heart. Let’s go.

They leave and Roland discards his lamp shade and hurries after them.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Hilda sits at the table with her silk bathrobe on and her fluffy slipper clad feet up reading a magazine, Salem sits on the table practising his favourite pass-time. Staring into space as Zelda comes in dressed up for her date.

Zelda- I’m leaving.

Hilda- Oh is your date tonight? Oh I’d completely forgotten. Nothing more pathetic than a woman who clings to the past.

Salem- Unless it’s one who sits around in her bathrobe and fuzzy slippers talking to her cat. Ha-ha.

Hilda points, then sits back to admire her new fuzzy black slippers. One has a tail and the other pointy little ears and yellow eyes.

Hilda- Mmm comfy.

Zelda- Well I’m glad to see you’ve made peace with my dating Willard.

She turns to go.

Hilda- (Calling after) You have fun now. (To her slippers) She’s gone. Let's tail her.

She pulls off her bathrobe to reveal herself fully dressed.

Right slipper- Change me back! No amount of tuna is worth this olfactory nightmare. <Sob! Sob!>

Ext. The Knoll. A Cadilac pulls up driven by Libby. Harvey sits blindfolded in the passenger seat. Both sans seat-belts tut!

Harvey- Thanks for driving Libby. I’m still waiting for that heater-valve for my car.

Libby whips off Harvey’s blindfold.

Libby- Surprise!

Harvey- This isn’t Bowl-a-rama!

Libby- I know. I thought we should go someplace fun for our anniversary.

She switches the radio to a romantic station.

Harvey- Me too. That’s why we were going bowling.

Libby- Harvey, so many rough edges to grind.

She leans over close.

Libby- (Cont.) Chocolate covered strawberry?

Harvey grabs a handful and stuffs them in his mouth. Another car pulls up among the trees of The Knoll and Gordie cuts the engine while Sabrina stares off among the dark foliage.

Gordie- Wow! So this is The Knoll. I can’t believe I’m really here... er again!

Sabrina- Hey, do you think that’s Libby’s moms car over there?

Gordie- Ah don’t worry, nobody can see us. (To himself) Which reminds me. I’m going to need documentation. (To Sabrina) Do you have a camera on you?

Sabrina looks at him oddly and shakes her head. Meanwhile The Knoll is filling up fast as Zelda and Willard pull up in a convertible.

Mr. Kraft- Ah!

Zelda- Oh my, how did you ever find this place?

Mr. Kraft- The quarterback on the football team told me about it during detention. Here, feast your eyes on this, my lady fair.

He only hands her some binoculars and points her towards the star studded night sky.

Zelda- Oh look at all those stars.

A head pops up behind a boulder to the rear of the car and watches. She lifts her slippers that have been magically transformed back into a cat.

Hilda- Huh! You were right! I can’t believe they’re here.

Salem- Don’t make me watch! I’ll have to scratch out my own eyes <Sob!>

Hilda- It’ll be fun. Come on, like a horror film... only gorier.

Salem- Look there is no way...

Hilda points and a tub of popcorn puffs into being on top of the boulder.

Salem- (Cont.) ...Oh! Is that real butter?

Hilda points again and she, along with Salem and the popcorn are suddenly sat in the back seat of Mr. Kraft’s car.

Mr. Kraft- Sorry the stock-yards were closed, but it’s-it’s kinda pretty here too isn’t it?

Zelda- Oh yes

Mr. Kraft- Yeah. Maybe er a little music to set the mood?

He turns on the radio.

Mr Kraft- (Singing along) Hey little girl, fix your hair, do your make-up...

Hilda sinks down in the back seat as Salem dives for cover. While across in Gordie’s car Sabrina’s in danger of getting her foot jammed in the glove compartment as she twists round to see if she can spot Libby’s car.

Sabrina- What’s with all these stupid trees? You can’t see anyone else.

Gordie- That’s the point! Sabrina I think we have a serious problem...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) You see Harvey and Libby?

Gordie- Not with them, with us! Our marriage is on the rocks. I just keep giving and giving...

There’s a tap on the window and they both look to see a policeman looking in. He’s an extremely short one and has to stand on tip-toe to do it. Gordie panics.

Gordie- (Cont.) The cops! My dads gonna kill me.

The cop shines his flash-light inside and Gordie leans over Sabrina to wind down the window.

Gordie- (Cont.) Is there a problem officer?

Officer Roland- Listen punk, I need to see some ID and registration now, or it’s the business end of Big Ed here.

He slaps the flash-light threateningly against the palm of his hand. While Gordie frantically searches for his documents Roland leans close to Sabrina.

Roland- (Whispering) What are you waiting for? They’re over there

Sabrina- (Whispering) I’m trying.

Officer Roland- Ah, I’m gonna need you to step out of the car, miss.

Sabrina climbs out.

Gordie- Er what about me?

Officer Roland- Face forward. Both hands on the wheel.

Meanwhile:

Mr. Kraft- And Orianis, of course, is your typical ‘M’ class star. Known for its presence of metallic oxide molecules.

Zelda- M-hm. Noticeably those of Titanium oxide.

Mr. Kraft- Yes.

Hilda sat in the back is struggling to keep her eyes open while Salem has stuck the empty popcorn tub over his head.

Salem- (Whispering) Let’s go. I’ve never been so bored in my entire life and I stare off into space eighteen hours a day.

Hilda- (Whispering) Come on. Let’s stay five more minutes. This can’t be all they talk about.

Zelda- Oh I know!

Mr. Kraft- Yeah.

Zelda- Let’s try and name all the moons of Jupiter... by mass.

Mr. Kraft- Oh boy.

Zelda- Europa...

And with Harvey and Libby not much is happening. They’re sat eating chocolate covered strawberry’s and listening to the radio unaware that two stalkers approach.

Roland- So you pop in, take a quick look-see, dump Harvey, cry on my shoulder and we live happily ever after. Plus I have some long term plans.

Sabrina- It’s true, I can’t believe they’re really here.

Roland- Yep! I wouldn’t lie to ya.

Sabrina- I can’t do it. I thought I could but I can’t.

Roland- So I guess this is gonna take some tough love.

He works his troll magic and they transfer to the back seat of Libby’s car and immediately duck down into the foot-well. While the excitement never stops in Mr. Kraft’s car.

Mr. Kraft- Metris... Ganymede... Don’t tell me... Callisto!

Both he and Zelda laugh delightedly.

Zelda- Excellent!

Mr. Kraft- Oh thank you.

Zelda- Okay. Now by carbon content.

Hilda’s fading fast in the back.

Hilda- (To herself) Can’t.... stay awake......too...... boring.

Her head falls and her eyes glaze over before sleep claims her at the same time as Libby makes her move.

Libby- Now that we’re all alone is there anything you’d like to say to me?

Harvey- Yeah, If you get any closer I’m gonna fall out of the car.

Libby- Well then you’d better hold onto something.

She moves closer still making it clear exactly what she’d like him to hold onto. In the back Roland’s about to make his move also and raises his finger. Sabrina grabs it.

Sabrina- (Whispering) You point it, I break it.

Harvey- Libby, cut it out! I’ve got a girlfriend.

Libby- But the other day at school, you kissed me.

Harvey- I know, it was weird. I don’t even know why I did it.

Sabrina glares at Roland.

Sabrina- (Whispering) I bet I do.

Harvey- Sabrina’s my girlfriend, I’m not gonna cheat on her.

Libby- I wont tell if you wont.

Harvey- No means no Libby.

He pushes her away.

Harvey- (Cont.) I think you should take me home now.

Libby- But I bought you dinner!

There’s a tap on the back window, they turn to see Gordie looking in.

Gordie- Sabrina! This is the last straw. I don’t care how it affects my final grade, I wanna divorce!

Harvey- Sabrina?

The game is up for Sabrina and Roland and they both sit up.

Libby- Bjorn?

Harvey- Now you’re spying on me? I can’t believe you don’t trust me!

He gets out of the car.

Sabrina- Harvey wait!

And she dashes after him. Roland leans forward towards the confused Libby and realises he’s lost his chance of Sabrina, he turns on the old troll charm and smiles. Libby screams in horror and Roland quickly exits the vehicle. The astronomers are still gazing up at the stars when they hear a sound usually associated with a pot-bellied pig and both turn round to find a snoring.

Zelda- Hilda!

Mr. Kraft- Hilda?

Salem wakes up with popcorn stuck in his fur and Hilda opens her droopy eyes.

Zelda- Oh! I can’t believe you were so jealous that you had to spy on us. Oh, I have never been so mad at you in my entire life!

She gets out of the car and storms off.

Mr. Kraft- Hilda?

Hilda- That’s not true! Remember when we were kids and I broke your collar bone?

She chases after he sister.

Hilda- (Cont.) Zelda wait!

Mr. Kraft smiles to himself smugly.

Mr. Kraft- Wow! Sisters fighting over me. Hey, when you’ve got it... you’ve-got-it.

Harvey runs through the clearing with Sabrina chasing after.

Sabrina- Harvey!

Who in turn is pursued.

Roland- Sabrina!

Who barely escapes being knocked down by Zelda running the other way who’s trying to get away from...

Hilda- Zelda!

Roland and Sabrina walk back into the clearing not believing what they think they’ve just seen as Hilda and Zelda enter from the other side and they all stand speechless.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina, Roland and Hilda sit guiltily on the settee with Salem sat behind while Zelda paces in full lecture mode.

Zelda- None of this would have happened if you had learned to control your primitive urges. If all of you hadn’t been overcome with jealousy.

Salem- I wasn’t jealous, I was hungry.

Hilda- I was jealous... and I was hungry.

Zelda- Once again I’m the only mature, responsible one in the entire group. That must make you all incredibly jealous.

Roland- Well thanks for the lecture toots but I gotta run. So er, I’ll be collecting the rest of my fee.

Sabrina- I’m not paying you anymore! This was all your fault.

Roland- Oh yeah! Well who came to whose office?

Zelda- You’re both at fault, but if it’ll get rid of you any faster, I will cover the rest of your fee.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Roland stands with a happy grin as he stands holding Zelda’s hand. Zelda checks her watch.

Zelda- There.

She frees her hand from his grip.

Zelda- (Cont.) Paid in full.

Roland- Ah, I usually get time and a half after five.

Zelda’s not buying it and opens the closet door for him.

Zelda- Out!

Roland- I also do general contracting.

Int. Westbridge High School Social studies class. Gordie and Sabrina stand at the front as Gordie addresses the class.

Gordie- And so to sum it up, our marriage was a complete and total failure. Thank you.

They go to take their seats to rousing if singular applause from Mr. Kraft.

Mr. Kraft- Beautiful. Come on, it’s beautiful. Oh the memories. You know, it is so great to see a young couple on the right track. ‘A’.

Sabrina leans over to the broadly smiling Gordie.

Sabrina- Gordie, I just wanna apologies. You were a great husband and I’m sorry that I-I treated you so badly.

Gordie- Are you kidding! You’re a genius, we’re the only two who passed. Thanks.

The school-bell rings.

Mr. Kraft- No running.

Sabrina stops Harvey as they leave the class.

Sabrina- Hey, can you believe we got an ‘A’?

Harvey just looks sad and leaves but Sabrina catches up in the hallway.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I know you’re mad at me, but you can’t you be the kind of mad at me were you still talk to me?

He stops at his locker and turns to her.

Harvey- I’m not mad, I’m disappointed.

Sabrina- The kind of disappointed were you still talk to me?

He smiles at her for an answer.

Sabrina- (Cont.) You know my behaviour kind of shows how much I care about you in some... weird, twisted, demented, stalker kinda way.

Harvey opens his locker.

Harvey- I know you care, I just want you to trust me and believe me when I say you’re the only girl for me.

Sabrina- I do, Now. Not that I didn’t before because I did, sort of, but not in the same way that I do now. Someone help me make my point.

As she rambled, Harvey reached into his locker and brought something out.

Harvey- What’s this?

Sabrina- You don’t know? The guy at the junk-yard said it was a heater-valve. I knew he was gonna rip me off.

Harvey- This is so great. This is just the kinda thing that...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Libby would do.

Harvey- No, this is just the kinda thing that only Sabrina would do.

He leaned down and kissed her on the cheek making her glow with happiness.

Sabrina- I love it when you do that.

So he does it again.

Ext. The Knoll. A couple sit in a car looking out at the beautiful stillness of the evening. The girls head resting contented on the mans shoulder.

Harvey- It was really nice of Gordie to let us use his car.

Run credits.

Sabrina- He had no choice, it was part of our divorce agreement. He got the house.

Harvey- Libby and I are only talking through our lawyers. You know at first I thought this assignment was kinda stupid but then it made me realise how hard relationships can be.

Sabrina- I know, but I’m sure it gets easier as you get older.

Ext. Zelda is out on another date with Willard in his Cadilac convertible unaware of the excess baggage hanging on for grim life behind her.

Hilda- (To herself) I hope they don’t take the freeway!

Mr. Kraft accelerates as he moves onto the on-ramp and is that a little smile on Zelda’s lips?