The Pom Pom Incident

Int. Spellman living room. Salem sits on the back of the armchair with the VCR remote in his paws.

Salem- Calling all blondes! Calling - all - blondes!

All the blondes respond coming from the kitchen. Hilda holds her nose making like a radio.

Hilda- We read you. I note stat!

Salem- Notice anything different?

Sabrina- You threw-up on the sofa?

Salem- I said different. It’s the clock on the VCR, I programmed it, it’s not blinking twelve anymore. Isn’t that great?

Sabrina- Yeah, that’s what I’d call it if I were being sarcastic.

Hilda- I didn’t know we had a clock on the VCR.

Zelda- We could have fixed it ourselves if we’d wanted to. We’re witches.

Salem- You dames are just bitter because I’m the man of the house and I know how to do the manly stuff.

Sabrina- Oh well, you certainly have the scratching yourself part down.

Zelda- If you really want to impress us, programme this.

She points and a large computerised stadium score-board appears in the living room with the clock flashing twelve.

Hilda- I didn’t know we had a clock on our score-board.

Run opening credits.

Int. Spellman kitchen. All the family is present.

Salem- You know fixing that VCR got my testosterone pumping. Mr. Can-opener meet your worst nightmare, Mr. Screwdriver.

The toaster pops but no-ones put any bread in it.

Sabrina- Oh, I’ll get it.

She takes the message from the Other Realm from the toaster and it’s a long one. Yard after yard of coloured handkerchiefs tied together.

Sabrina- (Cont.) You know, in most homes, the mail comes in little white envelopes.

Hilda- It’s from your cousin Mortimer. He’s coming to help you discover the family secret.

Finally, the long rope of handkerchiefs comes to an end with a slice of toast tied to the end.

Zelda- Sabrina, I should warn you, your cousin Mortimer is a wagician.

Sabrina- A wagician?

Hilda- A witch who works as a magician.

Sabrina- How cool!

Her two aunts obviously don’t have Sabrina’s enthusiasm for the idea. Their looks of disgust, shame and sadness are pitiful to behold.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I mean, how unspeakably tragic.

Zelda- He was so gifted, he could have done so much. Instead he chose to squander his talents entertaining gullible mortals.

Hilda- And the worst part is he’s not even good at it.

There is a large puff of theatrical smoke in the center of the kitchen, the three witches and their familiar turn to watch a large, portly man in a scarlet lined black cape and top hat come through the back door and hurry to the middle of the quickly dissipating smoke.

Mortimer- <Cough!> Ta-da!

Canned applause patter around the room.

Mortimer- (Cont.) That’s wagician for ‘I’m here’. (To his imaginary audience) Oh no please. You’re too kind. Ha-ha-ha! (To the witches) This must be Sabrina.

Hilda- (Interrupting) Okay, enough small-talk.

She pushes Sabrina over to him.

Hilda- (Cont.) Discuss the family secret and let him be on his way. He’s a very busy man and this is cruise season after all.

Mortimer- No, there’s no rush. I have a gig tomorrow night at the Westbridge ‘Y’ and you’re all comp’t. If you don’t mind eating family style.

Zelda- Well we’d...

Mortimer- (Interrupting) Wait, before you say anything I’m going to show you my new closer.

He tugs at his right sleeve.

Mortimer- (Cont.) Nothing up here.

He pulls at his left sleeve.

Mortimer- (Cont.) Nothing up here.

He points at his head.

Mortimer- (Cont.) Nothing up here, but what have we here? A-ha!

He plucks a coin from behind Zelda’s ear and another from her other ear and holds them both up.

Mortimer- (Cont.) Look at this!

Sabrina- I knew it was coming and yet I’m still delighted.

Mortimer- And...

He reaches once more for Zelda’s ear and pulls out a gherkin.

Mortimer- A pickle. A nickel. It’s supposed to be a nickel. Oh that’s wrong. I did... It’s a new trick... No...

Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. There’s a large banner pinned up on the wall reading

This Friday:

All proceeds go to the legalisation

of helmetless football

Sabrina sits eating lunch with her friends Harvey and Valerie.

Valerie- Hey, do you guys wanna go to The Slicery after school today? We’re only two hundred pizza’s away from a free soda.

Harvey- I can’t. My dad’s out of town and I have to watch my little brother.

Sabrina- What about your mom? Is she sick or something?

Harvey- Very. She’s...

He leans closer.

Harvey- (Cont.) (Whispering) Pregnant.

Valerie- Pregnant?

Sabrina- Congratulations, I guess.

Valerie- You mean your parents still...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Not now Valerie, we’re trying to eat here.

Valerie- I just thought at their advanced age they’d...

Harvey- (Interrupting) Yeah Valerie I know. I can’t get the image out of my mind.

This disturbing conversation is interrupted by the entrance of a whole gaggle of pom-pom waving, squealing cheerleaders lead by Libby. They form up and start their cheer.

Cheerleaders- Westbridge, Westbridge, you’re the tops.
Bring Eastbridge down like grungy old mops.

Sabrina- (To Harvey and Valerie) Tops? Mops? Someone’s been reading Molier again.

Libby- I have an announcement. There are a few spots open on the second-string cheerleading squad.

General excited muttering erupts from the female population of the cafeteria.

Libby- (Cont.) I know, we haven’t had a opening in years. Not since the time Charlene Snider developed that puzzling skin condition.

The cheerleader’s honour their fallen comrade with a pom-pom salute.

Sabrina- One zit and...

She pulls her finger across her throat in a cut-throat gesture.

Libby- So if you think you’re better than everyone, sign up for try-outs.

Libby leads her team out past Sabrina’s table and Valerie jumps up.

Valerie- Hey Libby, you looked great out there.

Libby- Take your seat.

She turns away and leaves. Valerie takes her seat.

Valerie- (To Sabrina and Harvey) You know, I think I wanna try-out for cheerleading.

Sabrina- Oh-no! You-you ate your beef stroganoff too fast and now your brains stopped functioning.

She puts her hand on Valerie’s forehead to see if she’s running a temperature.

Sabrina- (Cont.) We’d better say this while you can still comprehend it. We all love you.

Valerie- What is wrong with wanting to be a cheerleader?

Sabrina- Oh-no! We’ve lost her.

She waves her hand in front of Valerie’s eyes

Sabrina- (Cont.) It’s eerie, she looks like she’s still with us

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem is sat on the counter with a baseball cap on his head. a screwdriver tucked behind his ear and a pair of safety goggles just like any normal house cat. He studies the electric blender.

Salem- U-hu. U-hu. I can dismantle this. All I have to do is spin my head around about thirty-three times.

He lines the screwdriver up against the screw and pushes but without leverage he only manages to push it off the counter and it smashes into a hundred pieces.

Salem- (Cont.) Or smash it on the floor.

Int. Spellman living room. Cousin Mortimer as found a lovely assistant in the form of Hilda who’s helping him with the old saw-a-woman-in-half trick She lies in a long box with her head stuck out at one end and her feet protruding from the other. Mortimer saws down the middle with total concentration while Zelda watches on concerned.

Hilda- I can’t see what you’re doing.

Mortimer- Oh thanks so much for helping me rehears. This is not supposed to hurt at all, if you feel anything please speak up.

The saw blade snaps.

Hilda- I felt that!

Mortimer- Oh! I buy these in bulk. I’d better get another blade. Listen, in the meantime would you be good enough to just sign this release?

He goes for a new blade as Zelda picks up the release form.

Zelda- It doesn’t say anything about dismemberment, mutilation, internal...

Hilda- (Interrupting) Stop it!

Sabrina enters from school.

Sabrina- Oh! I’m glad you guys are home, I’m really worried about Valerie. She’s fallen in with a bad crowd.

Zelda- Trekies?

Sabrina- No worse, she’s trying to become a cheerleader.

Hilda- What’s wrong with that? At least you get to stand up.

Sabrina- It’s a known fact that cheerleaders sleep upside-down from rafters of old barns.

Zelda- If Valerie wants to be a cheerleader you have to let her. What’s the harm, if it makes her happy?

Sabrina- I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.

Mortimer returns with a new saw. Sabrina jumps back as he waves it around.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Let me guess. This is not a good time to ask you about the family secret?

Mortimer- It’s a critical time, I have to concentrate on what I’m doing. Don’t you understand? What was I doing?

He spots Hilda.

Mortimer- (Cont.) A-ha!

Zelda and Sabrina watch on concerned as Mortimer continues sawing Hilda in half. The blade goes through and he pushes the feet half of the box away from the head half.

Mortimer- (Cont.) Wow! It worked! It never did that before.

Suddenly finding itself free from the bit that does the thinking Hilda’s legs decide to make a break for it and slide out the end of the box and run away.

Hilda- My legs!!

Zelda- I’d better go get them! I think I left the back door open.

She hurries after the fleeing legs.

Mortimer- Usually it’s the audience that walks out.

He follows after Zelda leaving Sabrina with the captive audience of Hilda

Sabrina- Anyway, back to Valerie...

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Valerie signs the notice for the cheerleader try-outs. Sabrina enters the hall and see her friend. She races across.

Sabrina- Noooo!!

She pushes Valerie aside and stands blocking her way.

Valerie- What are you doing?

Sabrina- Friends don’t let friend become cheerleaders.

Valerie pushes Sabrina aside.

Valerie- Look, I’ve thought about what you said but I still want to be a cheerleader.

She rights her name on the list.

Valerie- (Cont.) I’ve always wanted to be a cheerleader. It just seems like fun.

Sabrina- But why Valerie? I mean you’re so smart, you could do so much more. You could be on the Chess Club, or the Astronomy Club. or the Debate Team.

Valerie- Maybe I just wanna be a cheerleader. Look, you’re gonna have to accept it okay. I’m going to try-out.

She leaves

Sabrina- (Calling After) No President has ever been a cheerleader!

Harvey wanders up to her yawning.

Harvey- Hey Sabrina.

Sabrina- Are you okay?

Harvey- Well this pregnancy is really taking its toll on me. I was driving around half the night looking for the right breast-cream for my mom.

Sabrina- Okay, the less we talk about that subject the better. Y’know this whole cheerleading thing is making me feel like I don’t know Valerie anymore.

Harvey- I don’t see what the harm is if it makes her happy?

Sabrina- Everybody wants Valerie to be happy. Am I the only one who cares about her?

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina enters from school and hears Salem.

Salem- Do-ti-do-do-do.

But doesn’t see him until a bundle of coloured wires moves to reveal a pointy eared black, whiskery face with a screw-driver fixed to it’s cap. Salem’s been repairing the phone which wasn’t broke until he started fixing it.

Sabrina- Oh so that’s why there’s been a busy signal for the last hour. I’ve been trying to call my aunts.

Salem- You know when I’m done, you’ll be able to call anyone anytime you want.

Sabrina- You mean like we already do?

Salem- Yes but... my way shocks you when you hit the seven.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Mortimer has just made himself a huge bacon baguette and is settling down at the table as Sabrina enters.

Mortimer- Oh what perfect timing. Now you can ask me anything you want about the family secret. No question too big, no question too small. Ask me anything you want. I know everything there is to know about this family.

Sabrina- Well I’d really like to talk about Valerie.

Mortimer- Never heard of her.

Sabrina- Well she’s my best friend and she wants to be a cheerleader and somehow I’ve got to convince her that she’s making a mistake.

Mortimer- Ahh. Then here’s what you need.

He picks up a plate and raises his arm dramatically.

Mortimer- (Cont.) This will help.

He shakes his raised fist and makes a sound like he’s constipated before a small coin drops from his fist onto the plate. He smiles triumphantly as Sabrina eyes the coin with considerable doubt.

Sabrina- A penny? I don’t think Valerie’s into bribes.

Mortimer- No, that’s not just a penny. With this penny you can look right into her mind. You can tell what she’s thinking.

Sabrina- I already know what she’s thinking and it all rhymes.

Mortimer- With this you can manipulate her thoughts. Ha-ha.

Sabrina- Where’d you get such a cool trick?

Mortimer- That was given to me by the great Harry Huidini. All I had to do was promise never to talk to him again.

Int. Westbridge High School Gym. Try-outs are in progress and girls in lycra and spandex dance about going through their paces while cheerleaders with clip-boards move about. Valerie does some stretching exercises as Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Val! Hi. I’m really sorry about yesterday. I shouldn’t have tried to influence you.

Valerie- Oh I understand. You only did because you care about me.

Sabrina- Exactly. So, here.

She holds up the magic penny.

Valerie- Sabrina, you can’t buy my friendship... especially for a penny.

Sabrina- No, I learned a magic trick, look.

She holds up the penny a moves her hand about with mystical movements before reaching forward and lodging the penny in the bunches behind Valerie’s ear. Then she showes, with her empty hands, that the coin had ‘magically’ vanished.

Sabrina- (Cont.) See? Disappeared.

Valerie- (Unimpressed) And you put down cheerleading?

Sabrina- Good luck.

She moves away to the side while Valerie resumes her stretches.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Valerie, this is for you’re own good.

She points activating the magic in the penny. Sabrina is the one swept up by the magic. Her mind links itself to Valerie’s and swirls through the convoluted by-ways of her thoughts until she reaches the minds-eye. There she sees what Valerie views as her future.

Int. school hallway. Valerie rounds the corner in her cheerleaders uniform leading the pack and is hailed by all the students she passes. The epitome of popular.

Sabrina- (Thinking) So this is what Valerie thinks it’ll be like to be a cheerleader. I’ll show her.

She points and the image in Valerie’s mind is subtly altered.

Int. school hallway. Valerie rounds the corner in her cheerleaders uniform leading the pack and passes a spectacled student. She whips the boys glasses off and tosses them over the boys head to a laughing Libby starting a game of piggy-in-the-middle.

Sabrina- (Thinking) Now this is more like it.

In the real world a slight frown creases Valerie’s forehead. She shakes her head and lets a new image build.

Int. School Cafeteria. The cheerleaders are performing for the men and women from the Senior Center beneath a banner reading ‘Welcome Grandparents’. Valerie dances and sings proudly.

Cheerleaders- Green and white. Hey Vidachi.
Green and white. Hey Vidachi

Sabrina- (Thinking) What is this, a United-way commercial? Great.

She points once more and the image changes.

Int. School Cafeteria. The cheerleaders laugh and point as the men and women from the ‘Senior Center’ dance and wave the pom-poms about. Valerie laughs and points along with the rest.

Sabrina- (Thinking) Making fun of grandma’s more like the cheerleaders I know.

In the real world Valerie shakes her head to dislodge the disturbing image while the try-outs continue.

Cheerleaders- Westbridge, Westbridge you’re the tops.
Bring Eastbridge down...

Valerie tries to recapture the good feelings about being a cheerleader.

Int. School Hallway. Valerie walks along the crowded hallway handing out flyers to the students.

Valerie- Come to the big rally, bring your family. Here you go.

Sabrina- (Thinking) Oh please. I’m gonna make this last one a doozy.

She points and the image is changed.

Int. School Hallway. Valerie walks along the crowded hallway with the other cheerleaders. The crowd press back against the walls in fear to let them pass. She stops before one of the students.

Valerie- What are you looking at... Freak?

She walks on as Sabrina stands open mouthed at her locker.

In the real world Valerie is shocked. Would it really be like that? How awful!

Libby- Next up in our long-shot category, Valerie Birkhead.

Valerie- Um, I changed my mind. I’m not going to try-out anymore.

She turns and flees from the Gym. Sabrina smiles happily having saved her friend from a fate worse than death.

Sabrina- (To herself) I wonder if they give a Nobel Prize for friendship?

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina comes out of her room to find Mortimer on the phone.

Sabrina- Oh, Morning cousin Mortimer.

Mortimer- (Down the phone) Er yeah Mortimer, that’s right. (To Sabrina) It’s my agent.

Sabrina- Oh. I just wanted to tell you, the penny worked perfectly.

Mortimer- Great!

Sabrina- Y’know, I probably saved Valerie from a life of crime which, as everyone knows, is what cheerleading always leads to.

Mortimer- I’m so happy (Down the phone) What? Are you sure? Nothing? Not even a grand opening for a gas station? Fine.

He hangs up.

Sabrina- Anything wrong?

Mortimer. No. No-no-no They just cancelled my gig at the 'Y'. They replaced me with KITT, the talking car from Nightrider.

Sabrina- I’m sorry, I wish there was something I could do.

Mortimer- Oh I know you wanna help. If you could, you would but listen. I love being a wagician. I just love it. The wand, the applause, the different coloured scarves, the second hand smoke. I love it.

Sabrina- Well when you put it that way, who can blame you?

Int. Spellman Kitchen. The counter is covered in household appliances. A veritable cornucopia of gadgetry. If only any of them were in one piece. Mortimer pokes at the assortment of springs and circuit-boards with his wand. Zelda comes down stairs.

Zelda- Salem!

Mortimer- He’s in the freezer right next to the Eskimo pies.

Zelda goes to the freezer and opens the door.

Salem- Avert your gaze! I’m working with isotopes.

Zelda- Salem, when are you planing to put all this stuff back together?

Salem- Relax, I’m on a journey of self-discovery. For instance I’ve just discovered that it’s really cold inside the freezer. My eyes are frozen open! (Sob)

Mortimer- Listen Zelda, let me help ya.

Zelda- No Mortimer, please.

Mortimer- I insist. Please step back.

He waves his wand.

Mortimer- (Cont.) Abracadabra, abracadunk. Please someone help us with all this junk.

There’s a flash of light like a failing fluorescent strip-light and Salem vanishes.

Ext. Calcutta, Market day. A stack of hay-bails stands empty until a small black cat wearing a baseball cap with a screwdriver attached and with safety goggles hanging loose against his knitted sweater appears

Salem- Hilda? Zelda? Hello? Do I smell curry?

Int. Spellman Kitchen.

Zelda- I can’t believe you made him disappear!

Mortimer- It has to do with the...

His wand droops like a... droopy thing.

Mortimer- (Cont.) Oh! See. Look.

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Valerie is signing up. Sabrina pats her on the shoulder.

Sabrina- Trust me Val, Orchestra Club is the way to go.

Valerie bangs her head repeatedly against the wall with excitement at the prospect of playing a cello.

Valerie- Maybe you’re right. That’s where my kind belongs, in the darkest corner of the orchestra-pit playing the triangle.

Sabrina- That’s the spirit, and now that you wont have cheerleading practice every afternoon we can do whatever we want. Go to the mall and try on clothes we can’t afford.

Valerie- Take naps.

Sabrina- I’m even willing to go to that place where you paint the plates and cups. Come on, whad'ya say?

Valerie- My mom could use a new spoon-caddie.

Sabrina- This is gonna be great! You and me doing everything together, just like things used to be.

Harvey arrives.

Harvey- Do you guys have any idea where I could rent the Mother Goose Karioki machine?

Sabrina- (To Valerie) Harvey Kinkle, king of the conversation starters.

Harvey- My little brothers birthday party is today and I’m in charge of the entertainment.

Valerie- Whad’ya get?

Harvey- Nothing. I’ve been so busy helping my mom I completely forgot. My dad is really gonna lay into me. I’m telling you, it’ll be like the final scene from Braveheart.

Sabrina- Hey, I’ve got the perfect idea... Oh maybe it’s not such a good idea.

Harvey- Please! Anything!

Sabrina- My cousin Mortimer’s a wagic... Ma-gician and erm he’d be perfect for your brothers party.

Harvey- Do you think there’s any way we could possibly get him?

Sabrina- I’m going out on a limb here but erm yes.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Hilda and Zelda watch Mortimer’s attempts at getting Salem back. He throws back his cape to reveal... A blender-jug.

Mortimer- Zander-oh!

Hilda- Oh try again.

Zelda- And this time try bringing Salem back.

Mortimer- Cram-blam-flitz.

There’s a flash of light and Salem appears... Oh no. It’s an man in a hospital gown.

Mortimer- (Cont.) Hey! That’s how I met my first wife.

Zelda- (To the man) Would you mind taking a seat with the others please.

It’s apparent that Mortimer has been at this for some time as a number of people from various places, times and dimensions are sat around the table. Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Have I accidentally stumbled into a Boston market? Hey! Great news cousin Mortimer, I got you a gig. You’re going to put on a magic show for Harvey’s little brother and his friends.

Mortimer- Alright! After three-hundred years of practising for this it’s finally paying off. Yes!

He punches the air in triumph.

Zelda- Sabrina, Mortimer doesn’t have time to do any magic shows. He’s too busy trying to bring back Salem.

Mortimer- Ohh!

Hilda- Oh but we’re getting closer. He just brought back a guy waiting for his CAT scan.

The man in the hospital gown waves and smiles.

Zelda- And a Catsgills comedian.

A man in a blue velvet suit, coifed hair and a fake tan waves.

Mortimer- Everybody comfortable?

Catsgills Comedian- I make a nice living.

Zelda- And Silvia and Irvine Catts from New Rochelle.

The elderly retired couple at the back wave.

Hilda- But no Salem.

Sabrina- Then how do you explain Martha Washington?

Zelda- I don’t know.

Hilda- (Aside, to Sabrina) Besides, I don’t think you want him around children.

Sabrina- It’s too late, the kids are gonna be here...

The front door bell rings.

Sabrina- (Cont.) ...now.

Int. Spellman Living room. The magic show is underway. Mortimer holds the crowd of children enthralled with his marvellous tricks or maybe they’re just mind-boggled at how bad he is, or maybe they’re trying to come to terms with the thought of Martha Washington as a lovely assistant.

Mortimer- I’m going to take this delicious piece of cake and put it in my hat. Ha-ha-ha. There it goes. Say the magic words children.

Children- The magic word.

Mortimer- Ha-ha. Abracadabra. Oh!

He drops his wand and it falls into the hat. He reaches in for it. He reaches further in for it. He reaches in all the way up to his shoulder and pulls out his wand along with a bunch of paper flowers.

Mortimer- Oh look, flowers. And it was a birthday cake.

The children clap politely.

Mortimer- (Cont.) Thank you. Thank you, you’re too kind. Please give me a hand for my assistant Martha.

The children clap politely

Martha Washington- Who are you people? And where’s George?

Zelda- Oh Sabrina, I wish you hadn’t asked cousin Mortimer to do this. You just know something horrible’s going to happen.

Sabrina- When are you two gonna cut cousin Mortimer some slack? He’s just doing what he loves. Not really well, but he’s still doing it.

Zelda- But he could have been so much more. He could have been a novelist or a chemist or a professor.

Sabrina- Maybe he doesn’t want to be any of those things, Maybe he just wants to be a wagician. I mean, what’s the harm in it as long as it makes him happy.

Realisation of what she’s just said strikes her.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Just like Valerie. Gotta go.

She heads for the door.

Mortimer- Thank you, you’re so kind. And now I need a volunteer.

Children- Oh me! No me! Me!

Mortimer- A volunteer, a volunteer. How about you?

Harvey’s little brother stands up and joins Mortimer at the front.

Mortimer- (Cont.) The birthday boy.

Hilda- (Aside, to Zelda) Does he look old enough to have dental records?

Mortimer sits the boy on the table and waves his wand over his head.

Mortimer- Abracadabra, abracadiff. It’s time for the birthday boy to get a gift.

There’s a flash of light and the junior Kinkle turns into a small black cat wearing a baseball cap with a screwdriver attached and safety goggles resting against his knit sweater.

Children- Ooh!

Mortimer- Haaa!

Ext. Calcutta. Market day. A small boy sits on a bail of hay and watches a humped and sacred cow being lead by.

Int. Spellman living room.

Salem- Kids, this man is a menace to society... and household pets. (Sob) (To Mortimer) You can expect to hear from my lawyer.

Mortimer- Db-da-b-b-cat! Talk! Oh my career go bye-bye.

Harvey- Okay. Up until now every trick kinda stunk but that was great.

Children- Yeah.

Mortimer- Did ya like that? The cat talking, my greatest illusion. (To Salem) Listen could you vamp while I try to find the kid?

Salem- So, who’s here from out-o-town?

Mortimer goes of to the dining room waving his wand.

Mortimer- Abracadiggy, abracadako. Please little boy, wont you come back?

There’s a flash of light and a little boy appears sat on the sideboard.

Mortimer- (Cont.) What! Oh! Once again the great Mortimer has astounded even himself. Listen kid, you don’t have to mention this to your parents okay? Here, go.

Int. Valerie’s Bedroom. Sabrina and Valerie are lay on the bed side by side.

Sabrina- Val, I really blew it on this cheerleader thing. I mean if there’s something out there that makes you happy then you should go for it. It doesn’t matter what I think.

Valerie- And you’re not just saying that because try-outs were yesterday?

Sabrina- Well it’s never too late. All you have to do is ask Libby.

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Libby is laughing histerically as Sabrina and Valerie watch.

Libby- (To Sabrina) You want me to extend cheerleading try-outs for her? That is too sad, even for you.

Libby turns to go.

Valerie- Yeah, that went well.

Sabrina points discreetly Libby’s way and Libby spins on her heels to return.

Libby- Would right now be convenient for you?

Valerie- Um sure.

Libby turns away again feeling very confused about what just happened.

Valerie- (Cont.) Sabrina, I’m not a cheerleader. I can’t go through with this.

Sabrina- Oh what’s there to be scared of? I mean sure there is the possibility of humiliation but this is high school. When isn’t there the possibility of humiliation?

Valerie- All right. All right, I’ll do it but on one condition.

Int. School Gym. Later. Two girls clutch their pom-poms. One thrilled and excited. The other embarrassed and disgusted.

Valerie- Thanks for doing this with me Sabrina, it’s given me the confidence I need.

Sabrina- You know the phrase ‘You owe me one’ comes to mind, yet it seems so inadequate.

Libby and the rest of the cheerleaders come over.

Libby- Here we have Sabrina Spellman and Valerie Birkhead. Get ready for some comedy.

As the cheerleader panel settle down for the show Valerie and Sabrina trot out to the middle of the floor shaking their pom-poms.

Valerie- Go Westbridge. Ready?

Sabrina- Ready.

Valerie and Sabrina- Set. Hit it.

They throw their arms up and one of Sabrina’s pom-poms goes flying. She dashes over to pick it up as Valerie continues.

Valerie- Cut the V.

Sabrina gets back in line and joins in.

Valerie and Sabrina- Dot the I. Curl the C. T.O.R.Y.

They dance as they chant and somehow Sabrina ends up facing in the completely wrong direction

Valerie- V.I.C.T.O.R.Y.

Sabrina- (trying to keep up) ..C...O.R...

Valerie- Victory! Victory! That’s our cry!

She finishes with a cartwheel and Sabrina does her best but ends up in a heap on the floor.

The panel don’t know whether to laugh (at Sabrina) or applaud ( for Valerie) so mix the two while Valerie helps Sabrina to her feet.

Valerie- Was I okay?

Sabrina- Oh yeah, you were incredibly like er Martha Graham if she did sporting events.

Libby comes over to them.

Libby- Okay.

She hands Valerie and Sabrina a sheet of paper each.

Libby- Now it’s time for the essay portion of your audition.

Valerie- (Reading) ‘The effect of cheerleading on the North American free trade agreement’?

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘Midi’s or mini’s; How long and why’?

Libby- No talking.

Int. Spellman Living room. Sabrina, Hilda and Zelda stand beside the huge cannon set up in front of the settee. Mortimer’s head sticks out of the barrel.

Sabrina- Mortimer, I wish you didn’t have to leave. I never got to ask you about the family secret.

Hilda- You mean I’m two inches shorter for nothing?

Mortimer- Actually, I have hidden a clue about the family secret somewhere in the house. Could you light me, I’m late.

Sabrina goes to light the cannon fuse while Zelda gives Mortimer a peck on the cheek

Zelda- Well if I ever get the quarter out of my ear I’ll send it to you.

Mortimer- I’m gonna miss ya. Ha-ha.

He turns to Hilda.

Mortimer- (Cont.) See ya.

They all step back away from the cannon as the fuse fizzes down and hide behind the settee. There’s an enormous bang and the living room fills with smoke. The three witches rush out to find a charred and blackened Mortimer still in the barrel.

Mortimer- (Cont.) On second thoughts. maybe I’ll take the closet.

Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. Sabrina, Harvey and Valerie sit at lunch.

Harvey- It’s weird, I can’t get the curry smell out of my brother and he can’t sleep without sandalwood burning.

Sabrina- Oh I went through that phase.

The cheerleaders prance into the cafeteria disturbing the peace.

Valerie- Oh here come the cheerleaders to announce the new squad. I’m so nervous.

Sabrina- Come on Valerie. Cut the V, Dot the I, Curl the C...

Valerie- (Interrupting) Now you get the hang of it?

Libby- I have the results of our cheerleader try-outs. The new members of the second string cheerleading squad are... Renie Phillips.

Renie jumps up delighted to receive her officially presented Westbridge Pom-poms.

Libby- (Cont.) Denetta Jones and Valerie Birkhead.

Valerie leaps up with a squeal of delight and hugs Sabrina.

Sabrina- Congratulations.

Valerie- Thank You.

Sabrina- This is weird, I still like you.

Libby comes over and shoves Sabrina out of the way. She thrusts the pom-poms into Valerie’s hands.

Libby- Use them with honour.

Valerie nods almost in tears with happiness. Libby leaves.

Valerie- Yes! Second string cheerleader. That means if a varsity cheerleader dies or gains weight I’m in. Do you think someday I’ll look back on this moment and say it was the happiest of my life?

Sabrina- If the rest of your life stinks, yes. I just hope this is the start of something big.

Libby- And as for Sabrina Spellman, who also tried-out. We’ll be showing a video-tape of her audition in the gymnasium after lunch.

There is a mass exodus of students as they rush to get good seats for the show in the gym.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Am I to understand I wasn’t good?

Int. Spellman Living room. The hunt is on. Zelda pokes through the potted plants and Sabrina checks under the seat cushions.

Salem- If you happen to find any shrimp-toast in the couch, I wouldn’t say no.

Sabrina- Hey! I think I’ve found Mortimer’s clue.

She pulls out a blue folder from under the settee cushion and opens it. Inside is a cardboard cut-out figure.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, now I’m starting to think he’s weird.

Zelda- Sabrina you’re going to be getting a lot of clues like this. Once you’ve gathered them all, they’ll spell out the family secret but it’s up to you to figure it out.

Sabrina- Okay. Well it looks like a superhero with A.B.C. written on him. Is he Alphabet Man?

Zelda shrugs.

Sabrina- (Cont.) No-no-no-no. He’s Spell Man. That means the family secrets about us? Jeez, I hope all the other clues are this juicy.

Hilda enters.

Hilda- I can’t find Mortimer’s clue anywhere. Y’know maybe it would help if we think like him.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda I...

Hilda- (Interrupting) Abracaduby, Abracadu. Help us uncover Sabrina’s clue.

There’s a flash of light.

Ext. Calcutta. The day after market day. Three blonde witches and a black cat appear next to a hay bail and a cow.

Salem- Anybody hungry? I know a decent restaurant round the corner. The Delhi Lama

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Hilda, Sabrina and Zelda enter from the living room to find all the bits and pieces of household appliances back where they belong and Salem looking smug on the counter-top..

Hilda- Wow! This place is tidier than the appliance section of a department store. You’re not going to make me buy an extended warranty are you?

Run Credits.

Salem- I had a spiritual awakening in Calcutta. Not to be a holyman but to be a handyman.

Sabrina- So you’ll finally have something to do while you’re awake.

Hilda grabs at the sheet of paper under Salem’s paw.

Hilda- What’s this?

Salem- My mantra, you can’t see it.

Zelda snatches it from him.

Zelda- A receipt for three thousand dollars worth of appliance repair?!

Salem- I’m the man of the house. This is how men fix things. <Sob>