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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Sabrina And The Beast

Written By - Danita Jones
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Libby - Jenna Liegh Green
Mrs. Popowski - Beth Grant
Cousin Susie - Sonje Fortag
Jake - Taso Papadakis
Jose Eber - Jose Eber

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Sabrina’s Bedroom. She having a bad-hair day and stands in front of her mirror trying to get it to do what she wants. She flips her head to the side then she throws her head forward bending at the waist allowing her hair to fall forward, then throws her head back flipping her hair back behind her. She staggers and clutches at her neck.

Sabrina- Okay, that hurt.

But her hair is still determinedly doing it’s own thing. She grabs a Slicery baseball cap and jams in on her head but it doesn’t work and with a grunt of annoyance she takes it off and throws it just as her door opens.

Hilda- Sabrina, you’re going to be late for school.

The hat hits Hilda who catches it.

Hilda- (Cont.) Oh! Hey! A promotional cap is not a toy.

Sabrina- Sorry, it’s this stupid hair. I know what I need, professional help.

Hilda- You really don’t have time...

Sabrina points and a man dressed all in black and wearing a stetson appears in a swirl of sparkles. Hilda sucks in her breath.

Hilda- (Cont.) Jose Eber! Way to conjure. (To Jose) Be honest with me, am I too light?

Sabrina- Hey! He’s here for me.

Hilda- Excuse me! You just slept funny, my problems are centuries old.

Sabrina- Yeah! But I have a social live.

Sabrina wins. Meanwhile Jose has been looking around the bedroom confused.

Jose- I don’t know where I am or what’s going on but my fee is a thousand dollars an hour. Shake your head darling.

Sabrina gives her head a vigorous shake smiling.

Run opening credits.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Sabrina sits at the table admiring her new hair-do in the back of a spoon.

Sabrina- And I thought I looked pert before.

Hilda comes in the back door in her sweats and a scarf.

Hilda- Oh, nothing like a run in the morning to make you feel alive.

She heads straight for the fridge passing Salem who’s wearing a shell suit and cap.

Salem- I thought running involved speed.

Sabrina- Why is the cat dressed like a jockey?

Salem- Coach! I’m her coach.

Hilda- I’m training for a decathlon and... (To Salem) No you’re not!

Salem- Did you know the worlds fastest animal is the cheetah? Let me share my feline expertise.

Hilda- You only wanna be my trainer because the Other Realm give generous stipends to coaches.

Salem- And the fame, let’s not forget the fame.

Zelda wonders in smiling and humming to herself.

Hilda- Either you’ve had a religious experience or... you saw Susie!

Zelda- I just attended a lecture of hers in the Other Realm. So uplifting.

Salem- That woman is so inspirational, because of her I stopped killing for sport.

Sabrina- Well she sounds like a saint. Who is she?

Hilda- Your no-good uncle Clyde’s illegitimate daughter.

Zelda- And she’s coming to visit you this Friday to tell you about the family secret.

Sabrina- Great!

Hilda- What’s the matter?

Sabrina- All this talk about Susie has me kinda depressed.

Zelda- Susie can make anyone feel inadequate.

Sabrina- Not that, no one mentioned my cute hair!

She preens in front of her spoon again.

Int. The Slicery. Sabrina enters and finds Harvey playing on the pinball machine. She comes up behind him.

Sabrina- Hey Harvey.

He turns and she sees what he’s wearing. A blue short sleeves jacket with spotted faux fur collar over a tie-dye long sleeve shirt and brown cheque trousers. Sabrina takes a step back.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Whoa! Your! That!

Harvey- I picked it out myself.

Sabrina- You’ve lost your sight?

Harvey- No, since my moms been pregnant she’s been too busy to shop for me. So I got to buy my whole winter wardrobe alone.

Sabrina- You mean there’s more? Cool!

She sees a flyer on the table as they sit.

Sabrina- (Cont.) What’s that?

Harvey- Oh Westbridge Chamber o’ Commerce is publishing a brochure to attract tourists.

The proprietor of The Slicery arrives at the table with a tray of condiments.

Mrs. Popowski- They’re looking to hire an attractive, fun young couple for the cover. The mister and I are going to try-out.

Sabrina- Really?

Mrs. Popowski- I tell ya Salinas, you’d swear he was John Travolta... If he were taller and had hair. Okay maybe he should also lose the pockmarks.

She leaves.

Sabrina- We should try-out. We’re attractive and fun and boil free.

And who should overhears this remark other than Libby with her current boy friend. She comes up to their table dragging the boy by the arm.

Libby- Please, we are the best looking couple.

Sabrina- I thought you were dating Dan?

Libby- Dan’s a blonde, we clash.

She drags her boy friend off to spend some of his money.

Sabrina- (To Harvey) Y’know? She’s so obsessed with her looks. Let’s prove to her we’re cuter.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda works out at the punch-bag. Salem watches and blows his whistle making Hilda jump.

Salem- You’re doing that all wrong.

Hilda- You’re right, I should be hitting a sack full of cat. You can’t be my coach.

She turns back to the punch-bag as Zelda enters ready to go.

Zelda- Are you ready?

Hilda- For what?

Zelda- We’re going to meet with Susie. We’re going to shore-up the eroding hillsides of Venus with kudzu, remember?

Hilda- Right. Darn it, I can’t. My trainers making me do sprints.

Salem- Really?

Hilda gives him an ‘If you keep your mouth shut' look.

Zelda- Well I’m glad to see the two of you have come to an agreement. Susie’s helping me realise how important it is to have harmony in the family.

She heads for the door but turns.

Zelda- (Cont.) You break another promise, I’ll kill you!

She leaves.

Salem- Thank you! Thank you-thank you-thank you. You’ll never regret this decision.

Hilda- You’re welcome.

Salem- Now run till you bleed!

Int. Spellman Living room. Later. Sabrina comes down the stairs to answer the door-bell and Harvey’s stood waiting. He’s done-up like a dogs-dinner. A multicoloured patched floppy hat, a black leather jacket over a blue and pink shirt and long baggy, flared jeans.

Harvey- Hey, you ready to go to the modelling audition?

Sabrina stands for a moment with her mouth hanging open.

Sabrina- Is that one of your winter outfits?

Harvey- So trying hard didn’t make a difference?

Sabrina- You know? Funny thing, I went shopping at a swap-meet and I picked up a bag of cool guy clothes.

She points Harvey up towards her bedroom and as she does a surge of magical energy is sent on ahead.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Um why don’t you go and try them on? It’s like taking a trip to the mall without leaving the house.

Harvey- Okay, but it’s gonna make me want one of those huge cinnamon things.

He goes up-stairs.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Harvey poses in front of Sabrina’s full length mirror in a smart black suit and olive green shirt. Then tries a beige suede jacket but shakes his head. A cool brown suit over a brown cheque shirt is finished off with a pair of shades. But the black suit mixed with a black shirt and tie makes him fly.

Harvey- (Pleased) Fashionable, yet affordable.

Int. Spellman living room. Harvey comes down and stands for Sabrina’s approval.

Sabrina- Wow, I’ve never seen a more brochure looking outfit.

Harvey- And not only that, the pants don’t itch.

Int. Spellman living room. later. Hilda comes back from her run to find her trainer has been spending some of his money.

Salem- Surprise!

She stops and looks at the large machine that dominates the room. As you would expect with a name like Domin-A-Tron.

Hilda- Oh. Nice Zamboni.

Salem- Say hello to the Domin-A-Tron straight from the Other Realm. It’s all ours, pending forty-eight more payments.

Hilda- Don’t tell me. When I’m not using it, it’ll fit under my bed?

She gives it a look over and steps onto the treadmill.

Salem- Just press the start button.

Hilda- Oh somebody’s been reading the instructions.

She presses the button and various lights come on around the machine. The treadmill starts up and Hilda walks forward.

Domin-A-Tron- Level one work-out activated.

Hilda- Oh-no, you got a talking one.

Salem- If you need me, I’ll be right over here. Carbo-loading.

He tucks into a bag of potato-chips.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda’s reading up on the four horsemen as Sabrina returns from her audition.

Zelda- Famine, pestilence, war. War, I like it.

Sabrina- When did you become a republican?

Zelda- Susie’s been encouraging me to invent something that will really benefit mankind.

Sabrina- And what are you doing after lunch?

Zelda- I can’t decide whether to wipe out decease or hunger, or maybe take a bite out of crime.

The phone rings and Sabrina gets it.

Sabrina- Hello? This is she... That’s great! Thank you.

She turns the phone off excited.

Sabrina- (To Zelda) Harvey and I just won the cutest couple contest for the Westbridge brochure!

Zelda- (still totally engrossed) That’s nice sweetie, you must be so excited.

Sabrina- Oh it’s no big deal. I’m just doing my part to help the community.

Zelda- Oh speaking of helping, Susie will be here soon.

Zelda leaves into the dining room. Sabrina decides to celebrate her success with a little practice. She waves her finger and the kitchen table vanishes to be replaced by a cat-walk edged with foot-lights and her outfit transforms into a black satin, off the shoulder evening-gown with fur trim and matching full length opera gloves and jewellery. She climbs up onto the cat-walk and swings her hips as she struts it’s length gracefully turning at the end.

Sabrina- (To herself) I’m the best. Ah yes, Kate Moss eat your heart out. Oh that’s right, you don’t eat.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda’s been on the Domin-A-Tron for a good long while now. Her sweats are a bit sweaty but she’s struggling.

Hilda- I <Gasp!> Can’t <Pant!> Make it. Salem, a few words of encouragement please.

Salem- Zzzzzzzzz. Zzzzzzz.

Hilda- Oh, I’m stopping.

She presses the off button.

Domin-A-Tron- Do not quit, you can do it.

Hilda- Maybe I can.

She finds a new reserve of energy a treads on proud of herself and a few seconds later the machine stops.

Domin-A-Tron- Work-out complete. You’re a winner. You’re a winner.

Salem wakes.

Salem- Huh! Was someone complimenting me?

Hilda- I gotta get going, cousin Susie’ll be here any minute.

She gives the Domin-A-Tron a friendly punch.

Hilda- (Cont.) See ya later big guy.

Domin-A-Tron- Excellent work-out. You are a lovely lady.

Hilda- I like this machine. It’s so honest.

She goes upstairs to shower and change.

Salem- (To himself) Yes! I’ll get all the glory with none of the work. He-he-he.

Domin-A-Tron- By the way cat, I am going to be the new coach. The fame will be mine and I will crush anyone who gets in my way.

Salem- It’s alive!

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. The aunts and Sabrina wait expectantly outside the closet door. Salem comes up the stairs.

Salem- (To Hilda) The Domin-A-Tron is alive and it doesn’t like me.

Hilda- Oh you are just jealous because I like it better than you. It’s a machine, it’s not alive.

Salem- Well I guess it’s possible that I’m wrong, if you pushed the ‘Threaten the cat’ button.

Sabrina- I wonder what’s taking cousin Susie so long.

Zelda- She’s probably stopped to heal the sick.

Sabrina- So she’ll wanna wash her hands when she gets here?

The closet flashes and Zelda excitedly opens the door and in walks a woman bearing gifts. They’re piled up high in front of her.

Zelda- Cousin Susie!

Susie- Hello all.

Salem- What d’ya bring me?

Sabrina- Cousin Susie, I’ve heard so much... Whoa!

Hilda has taken the presents from cousin Susie and she turns to face Sabrina. And what a face. It’s the archetypal caricature witch face. Rancid green with a huge hooked nose and pointy chin liberally sprinkled with hairy warts framed by long, thick, wiry, black hair. She smiles a crooked toothed smile at Sabrina.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda invites their guest to make herself comfortable while Sabrina hangs back hugging herself. Susie looks up at Sabrina and pats the cushion beside her on the settee.

Susie- Sit by me dear.

Sabrina edges past her and sits down as far as possible from Susie as the settee will allow.

Susie- (Cont.) I want to apologies for being so late. I stopped to deliver a cauldron of chicken soup to my neighbour.

Hilda- The old lady that lives in the shoe!

Susie- Yes, she’s very lonely now that all her children have grown. They don’t visit.

Sabrina leans on the arm trying to put as much distance between herself and cousin Susie as Zelda brings in a tray of tea and scones.

Hilda- Well where are they supposed to stay? She turned the toe into a sewing-room.

Susie- Well I try not to judge.

Zelda- Oh cousin Susie, you are goodness personified.

Susie- Oh please.

Zelda- (To Sabrina) Can’t you see it?

Sabrina- Sure.

Susie shuffles over closer to Sabrina.

Susie- Let’s talk about the family secret.

But Sabrina jumps up from the settee.

Sabrina- Oh I really don’t have time right now. I erm I’ve gotta write a term-paper on... the history of term-papers.

She slinks off upstairs.

Zelda- I think it’s for extra credit.

Susie- Oh.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina’s on the phone while standing in front of the mirror playing with her hair.

Sabrina- Harvey, I’m sure whatever you wear’ll be just fine... No, not plaid!

There’s a quiet knock on her door.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Gotta go.

She presses the end button as the door opens admitting cousin Susie. Sabrina clutches the phone and takes a few unconscious steps backwards.

Susie- I hope I’m not disturbing you.

Sabrina- Oh well actually I was just about to take a shower.

She grabs her dressing-gown and puts the phone down.

Susie- Well we didn’t get a chance to talk earlier...

Sabrina pulls the chair from her desk between herself and her cousin.

Susie- (Cont.) ...and I noticed you were a little uncomfortable.

Sabrina- Oh, I’ve gotta remember fabric-softener when I wash my underwear.

Susie- Sabrina, do you have a problem with the way I look?

Sabrina- No, you’re a very nice wart... woman!

Susie- Beauty is very important to you isn’t it?

Sabrina- No, I’m just not looking at you because I’m... being coy.

Susie- 'cause looks are fleeting. Someday, you’ll learn that, maybe sooner than you think.

Sabrina- What do you mean by that?

Susie- Older witches are supossed to teach things to younger witches.

Sabrina- How to crochet?

Susie- Don’t worry, you’ll see.

Susie leaves and Sabrina looks worried.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem comes down stairs to find the Domin-A-Tron’s been transferred to the kitchen.

Salem- (To himself) Time for my pre-breakfast meal.

Domin-A-Tron- I am your leader! All appliances will obey my every command!

The toaster, blender, mixer, iron, kettle, waffle-maker and all the other household appliances come to attention.

Salem- Now I know why he was on sale <Sob!>

He runs back up stairs.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem comes in to find Sabrina still fast asleep.

Salem- Sabrina, it’s horrible! <Sob!> Just horrible.

Sabrina lifts her sleepy head from the pillow.

Sabrina- Oh-no! Is it my face!

She throws back the covers and dashes to the mirror to check out whatever awful curse cousin Susie has put on her. Her face is its usual cute self.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh good, cousin Susie didn’t do anything to me.

She gets back into bed.

Salem- But-but the appliances are taking over the house. No-one is safe! No-one!

Sabrina- Salem, no more sardines and ‘Mystery, Science Theatre’ before bedtime for you.

She puts her head down hoping to get back to sleep while Salem sobs.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina walks to her locker feeling at her face. As soon as she gets there she opens it and checks herself out in the mirror on the back of the locker-door and sees the most awful site.

Sabrina- OW!!!

How could Susie be so cruel as to make her look like Libby. Then she turns and finds that the reflection is Libby. Phew!

Libby- It was really great how I fooled you into thinking I wanted to win that brochure contest.

Sabrina- Oh yeah, who’d wanna be on a cover where thousands upon thousands of people will see and admire you?

Libby boyfriend comes up and slips his arm around her shoulders.

Libby- Get away from me Sasquach!

She pushes the boy away and glares at Sabrina as she leaves. Sabrina checks out her face again in the mirror and is relieved to see it’s just her.

Sabrina- (To Herself) I guess cousin Susie was just trying to scare me.

Harvey walks up carrying a tall pile of text-books.

Harvey- Hi Sabrina.

Sabrina- Oh hi Harvey.

He lowers the pile and looks at her nervously over the top.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Whoa!!!

She jumps back a step stunned by the change. His eyebrows have grown thick and bushy and joined in the middle, his lower jaw thrusts further forward and is covered in coarse whiskers and an enormous hairy wart decorates his left cheek.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Harvey, your face!

Harvey- Yeah I know. My dads sending me to an endocrinologist.

He lifts the pile of books again to hide his face and moves off.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Well on the bright side, your clothes look good.

Int. Empty history classroom. Sabrina ducks in and incant’s a spell.

Sabrina- Cousin Susie whose so... cutsie please come and help Harvey out of this hair-dosie.

She points to activate her spell and cousin Susie materialises in a swirl of sparkles holding a plate of cookies.

Sabrina- Okay, I got your point. I put too much emphasis on appearances and now my boyfriends ugly. I learned an important lesson. Now please make Harvey cute again.

Susie- Only you can fix him, Sabrina.

Sabrina- Not with all the Nare in New England.

Susie- When you’ve truly learned your lesson he’ll change back. Cookie?

Sabrina leaves in a sulk but returns instantly and takes a cookie.

Sabrina- But just one!

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda’s back on the Domin-A-Tron and working up a sweat.

Hilda- Maybe I’ve had enough? According to this heart monitor I’m... dead.

Domin-A-Tron- Remember the decathlon. you can take home the gold.

Hilda- (Pleased) I don’t know why Salem despises this machine.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem is on the table being terrorised by an assortment of household appliances.

Salem- I’m going to write a strongly worded letter to the Sunbeam Corporation.

Zelda- (OS) Salem!

All the appliances instantly turn themselves off as she walks in from the dining room in her lab-coat.

Zelda- (Cont.) I have just had a major breakthrough. Using de-ionisation and a smidge of Hanta virus I have discovered a process for converting an everyday substance into an edible protein. Oh cousin Susie’s gonna be so proud of me.

As she talked she grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and hurried back to the Lab-top. The second the dining room door closes the appliances start up again.

Salem- Mah! Okay, I’m not imagining this!

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina paces back and forth outside the nurses office waiting for Harvey to come out. He does looking rougher than ever. He’s developed a hump on his back, his arms appear to be getting longer and his facial hair is definitely growing in.

Sabrina- So er what did the nurse say?

Harvey- Well after she stopped screaming, she told me I should see an orthopaedic doctor for the hump and a dentist for my teeth. Then she gave me this book on hygiene and asked me to leave.

As they walk, they are followed by students who point looking disgusted at Harvey.

Sabrina- Same thing she did when I got acid in my eye.

Int. Spellman dining room. Zelda is hard at work on a complex little gadget that will end world hunger. Pity it wont end world anger because her angry little niece comes stomping in.

Sabrina- Cousin Susie’s done a horrible, hideous, gross thing to Harvey!

Zelda- Don’t speak that way about cousin Susie. She’s the best person in the whole world. Right now she’s feeding homeless witches.

Int. A homeless shelter, the Other realm. Susie holds a tiny child in one arm and stirs a cauldron of food with the other as the child’s hungry mother stands by with a bowl. Susie is bathed in a heavenly light.

Int. Spellman dining room.

Sabrina- But Harvey’s growing hair and turning into a beast!

Zelda- He’s a seventeen year old boy, it sounds like he’s right on track.

Sabrina- But he growing a giant wa...

Zelda- (Interrupting) I don’t have time to talk about this right now. I am almost finished with this portable machine that will turn dirt into food. It’s going to ease the suffering of millions.

Sabrina- Fine, easy to see where your priorities lie.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina’s reduced to a tried and not so trusted method of solving Harvey’s problem. She thumbs through the magic book.

Sabrina- Someone should cross reference this thing.

Her discarded bathrobe trembles and a small whimpering sound comes from it. Sabrina pulls it back to reveal a trembling and whimpering cat.

Sabrina- (Cont.) What are you doing?

Salem- Hiding. You didn’t happen to see a rogue iron out there did ya?

Sabrina- Poor Harvey. He's been pregnant, turned into a bowling pin, A frog... Hey wait a minute. When he was a frog, I kissed him and that broke the spell. If I kiss him that’ll prove to cousin Susie that I don’t have a problem with the way he looks. Gotta go.

She leaves.

Salem- (Calling after) Don’t tell the food-processor that you saw me.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda’s working-out on the Domin-A-Tron again and again she’s at the end of her endurance.

Hilda- I’ve gotta rest. Stop!

She hits the off button.

Domin-A-Tron- You can do it.

Hilda- No really, I’m in pain... and Judge Judy’s on.

She hits the off button again.

Domin-A-Tron- Become a winner.

Hilda- There must be a glitch.

She turns to step off the tread-mill but the side pieces that she’d thought were just over-ostentation decoration close and become electrified trapping her on the tread-mill.

Hilda- Aw!

Domin-A-Tron- I’ll tell you when you can take a break sister! Now work!

The tread-mill speeds up.

Hilda- I must have set this thing on ‘tough-love’

Int. Spellman dining room. Zelda pours a scoop of dirt into the top of her machine, switches it on and a bunch of nut sized pellets drop out the bottom. She pops one in her mouth excitedly and chews.

Zelda- Nope! Still tastes like dirt.

Int. Spellman living room. The Domin-A-Tron has Hilda helplessly at it’s mercy. Unfortunately machines aren’t programmed with mercy.

Domin-A-Tron- You exercise like a girl.

Hilda- I am a girl! And now, thanks to you, I’m in pretty good shape.

She tries again to get off and kicks the electrified doors open. She’s free but gets a shock for her efforts.

Hilda- Ow!! You know for a cold metal machine you’re pretty heartless. I’m finding Salem.

She hurries to the front door and pulls it open but the door pulls shut again. She pulls it open and it pulls shut again and when she tries to let go of the handle she finds.

Hilda- I can’t let go!

Domin-A-Tron- I control everything in the house. You can let go... after you have given me fifty reps.

Hilda- Seven! Eight!...

Ext. Harvey’s front porch. Sabrina rings the door bell and a cross between the Hunchback of Notradam and a werewolf answers it. Whatever he’s got, it’s spreading. His ears are pointed and the hair has grown down his back and onto the back of his hands.

Sabrina- Harvey?

Harvey- Yeah, it’s me.

Sabrina- Whoa.

Harvey- I know. My mom just made an appointment with the veterinarian.

Sabrina- Oh, well if they say anything about emptying a faecal gland, run. I-I can’t really stay, I just came by for a kiss.

Harvey- (Delighted) Really? Okay.

He puckers his lips and Sabrina squeezes her eyes tightly shut, leans forward and kisses him. She pulls out a few hairs from her lips as she straightens up but when she looks at Harvey he’s just the same. Sabrina stamps her foot.

Sabrina- Nothing!

Without another word she turns and stomps off. Harvey watches her go confused.

Ext. Spellman backyard. Cousin Susie is charming to the birds and animals who come down and sit in her fingers and brush against her legs. She doesn’t even complain when an hedgehog does it. Sabrina comes out.

Susie- (Singing) Cum-by-ya my lord, cum-by-ya...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Okay, what gives? I mean, I’ve obviously proven that looks don’t matter to me. I kissed that beast!

Susie- Well Sabrina, some lessons aren’t that easy to learn.

Sabrina- Believe me, that wasn’t easy. I’ve still got the whisker burns.

Susie just smiles pleasantly at her.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Please, I need a hint.

Susie- Sorry.

Sabrina- Fine, if you take pity on me I’ll be at The Slicery trying to wash down a hair-ball.

She makes a choking sound as she leaves.

Ext. The side of the Spellman house. Sabrina passes a window on her way to The Slicery and sees Hilda on the other side. She’s lifting the sash up and down vigorously. Sabrina watches her and Hilda smiles back.

Sabrina- What are you doing?

Hilda- Apperantly, working my biceps.

She makes a desperate head twitching motion towards the machine behind her.

Sabrina- Have fun.

She leaves Hilda silently mouthing ‘Help! help me!

Int. The Slicery. Harvey’s sat alone at a table and the tables around him are also empty. Nobody wants to get too close to beast-boy, especially when he’s eating. Sabrina enters and sees him but before she can duck out again he spots her.

Harvey- Hey Sabrina.

Sabrina- What are you doing here?

She sits.

Harvey- I was running through the woods and I got hungry.

Mrs. Popowski comes over and puts a ‘No Pets’ sign on the table and gives Salinas a hard look before leaving.

Harvey- (Cont.) Thanks for sitting with me, I know it’s hard with all these people staring.

Sabrina- Yeah, they are staring but I’m sitting here with you.

She plucks up the courage to hold his hairy hand.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Obviously, I don’t care what you look like because here I am with you looking like you do.

She forces a stiff smile.

Sabrina- (Cont.) (Loudly) Lesson learned!

Harvey- Who are you talking to?

Sabrina- Obviously no-one.

She lets go of Harvey’s hand and wipes hers.

Harvey- Oh shoot! I’ve got pizza in my fur. I’d better get it out before it knots. I wonder if there’s a watering hole near by.

He climbs over the table

Harvey- (Cont.) Did I just say watering hole?

He lopes of into the back dragging his knuckles and Sabrina buries her head in her hands.

Jake- Hi, Can-can I get you something?

Sabrina raises her head.

Sabrina- Yeah, Can I get ah... er...

He’s gorgeous. Even in his Slicery apron. Tall, blonde, handsome, rugged. broad and did I say handsome? Sabrina’s speechless. She raises her hand to her mouth in the mime of drinking something.

Jake- A soda?

Sabrina- Yeah, and-and a soda.

He points to his little name badge.

Jake- I’m Jake.

Sabrina- Sabrina.

Jake- So-so I-I saw you were um with that guy who’s outside going through the dumpster.

Ext. The rear of The Slicery. The dumpster lid raises to reveal Harvey chewing on a plastic trash bag.

Int. The Slicery.

Jake- (Cont.) Someone said he’s your boyfriend.

Sabrina- Actually, we’re just friends.

There’s a howl in the distance. She smiles up at Jake.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Actually, he’s a friend of a friend.

Int. Spellman Living room.

Hilda- STOP!!!! LET ME STOP!!!

She jogging again on the Domin-A-Tron.

Domin-A-Tron- Whuss, Weakling, Mama’s girl.

Hilda- Salem, do something! Unplug him!

But Salem has his own problems. Like keeping his tail one step ahead of the vacuum cleaner from hell. He jumps up onto the settee where he’s relatively safe until the cleaner finds it’s attachments.

Salem- I’m scared!

Hilda- Just remember this, this machine does not know where we hide the treats.

Salem- Domin-A-Tron! You’ve met your match.

Domin-A-Tron- ROAR!!!

Salem- I’ll just go get um.

He jumps down from the settee and slinks off.

Int. Spellman dining room. Zelda completed her masterpiece.

Zelda- (To herself) Finally, the machine that will save the world is built. Maybe that’s what I’ll call it.

Int. Spellman Cellar. Salem is on his white charger coming to the rescue of the person-who-knows-where-the-treats-are-hidden in distress. He’s beside the fuse-box.

Salem- (To Himself) Must <Chew> chew through wires. <Bite> Must <Chomp> save Hilda. <Gnaw> Hm. Not bad.

He lights up as sparks fly. His fur stands on end and his bones become visible through translucent flesh. A good job he has nine lives to play with.

Int. Spellman living room. The Domin-A-Tron flares up, sparks and shorts out.

Hilda- YES!!!

Int. Spellman dining room. Zelda plugs in her machine. It flares up, sparks and explodes.

Zelda- Oh-no!

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom later. Salem’s sat on the windowsill resting after his trying day. Sabrina tells him about hers.

Sabrina- It was okay for me to flirt with Jake and don’t look at me that way. It was the normal teenage thing to do and it has nothing to do with the fact that Jake’s so cute and Harvey’s so repulsive.

Salem just watches her pace round the room.

Sabrina- (Cont.) For your information mister, I would like Jake even if he did looked like Harvey... used to look. Yeah, now leave me alone. I’ve gotta get some homework done.

She sits down at her desk and turns on her lamp but nothing happens.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Urr! What’s with the electricity in this house.

Salem- It’sh a long shtowy. Got any lip-balm?

Int. Spellman kitchen. The next morning. Hilda hobbles in.

Hilda- My legs wont stop cramping. I’m never going to compete in the decathlon.

Salem- I guess it’s safe now to tell you I was gonna bet against ya.

She gives him the glare as a distraught Zelda enters.

Hilda- Oh I’m sorry about your machine Zelie.

Zelda- Oh that’s okay. Susie pointed out to me that hungry third world families often don’t have a lot of electricity.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina answers the door-bell. It’s the beast-boy.

Sabrina- Harvey!

Salem comes bounding in, sees Harvey at the door. Spits and hisses before running away to hide.

Harvey- I just stopped by to thank you. You’ve been really supportive of me during my transformation to hideous man-beast. Oh, and I wanted to give you this.

He gives Sabrina a gift in gratitude.

Sabrina- Oh, it’s a rock shaped like a heart. That’s so sweet.

Harvey- I carved it myself with my bare hands.

Sabrina- I love it.

Harvey turns to leave her life forever and go and run off to the wilderness where he wont scare the babies.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Well, do ya wanna come in and hang out?

‘Wild Thing’ by The Troggs plays over the following.

Harvey and Sabrina sit watching videos eating pop-corn. Harvey has more stuck in the hair round his mouth than he gets in it.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Harvey head bangs as Sabrina sits laughing. He leaps up onto the table and shakes his booty. Sabrina gets a little concerned.

Int. The Slicery. Sabrina and Harvey play foosball. Harvey slams the ball into Sabrina’s goal and beats his chest in victory, howling. Sabrina smiles amused and waits for him to finish before throwing in the next ball.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Both the beast and Sabrina and on the table shaking their booties and laughing.

Int. The Slicery. Sabrina scores and raises her arms aloft. Then beats her chest in victory just as Libby walks by. Libby laughs at Sabrina, Harvey roars at Libby, Libby runs away to hide, Sabrina laughs and high-five’s Harvey.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Harvey and Sabrina still dance but the tempo’s been taken way down and they dance smooth cheek to hairy cheek.

Int. The Slicery. Mrs. Popowski pours them a bowl full of soda and they share it with a straw apiece.

The music fades.

Int. Spellman living room. The door opens and Sabrina and Harvey enter laughing.

Sabrina- I can’t remember when I’ve had such a good time.

Harvey- Yeah, I know. Maybe I shouldn’t have bitten Mrs. Popowski?

Sabrina- Oh you didn’t break the skin, but what was everyone staring at? I mean do I have something in my teeth you didn’t tell me about?

Harvey- I think they were staring at me.

Sabrina- Oh yeah, I forgot.

Harvey- Well I’m gonna go wash my paws. That’s the problem when your knuckles drag.

He lopes off to the kitchen. Sabrina smiles and moves to follow him when the door-bell rings. She answers.

Jake- Hi Sabrina, I-I hope this isn’t too forward but I was in the neighbourhood and I just...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Ah Jake. You remember the other day when you asked me if the guy in the dumpster was my boyfriend?

Jake- Yes.

Sabrina- Well what I really should have said was yes, he is my boyfriend. He’s the best boyfriend I could ever ask for.

Jake smiles and a flare of light envelops him leaving only a smiling cousin Susie at the door.

Susie- You finally learned your lesson.

Sabrina- That’s great!... What was it?

Susie- Well when you stopped caring about looks you enjoyed Harvey for the person he is. You learned that true beauty is on the inside.

Sabrina- Wow! I really did learn something. Cool!

She gives cousin Susie a big hug not at all concerned about the fact that she’s grotesque.

Susie- Although, no-one should turn down orthodonture

She vanishes in a whisk of colours that really show off her true beauty. Sabrina closes the door and turns to find Harvey coming from the kitchen fully restored to his former cuteness.

Harvey- Wow! What kinda soap do you use?

Int. Spellman living room. later. Susie accompanies the witches chorus on the guitar.

The Coven- (Singing) Cum-by-ya my lord. Cum-by-ya.

Sabrina- (To Salem) You know, I’m used to her looks and I’m even starting to like this song.

Salem- That makes you and Susie.

Susie- This has been a wonderful visit, but before I leave I have something for you Sabrina.

The something is a nine-feet long leather bull-whip.

Sabrina- A whip? Well it’s a little late, Harvey’s not a beast anymore.

Susie- This is a clue to the family secret.

Sabrina- Oh this clears it up.

Susie- And here’s another clue. We all have good and bad parts.

Sabrina- These clues are kinda confusing, I’m getting depressed again. Wait a minute.

She picks up Susie’s guitar and strums a chord.

The Coven- (Singing) Cum-by-ya my lord.

Sabrina- Better.

The Coven- (Singing) Cum-by-ya

Sabrina- Just the cat.

Salem- (Singing) Cum-by-ya my lord. Cum-by-ya...

Int. The Slicery. Harvey holds open the door for Sabrina as they enter.

Run credits.

Harvey- So the doctor said it was just hormones but now that I’m back to normal my dad refusing to give the money back to ‘Hard Copy’ I’m sorry we had to miss the photo-shoot.

Sabrina- Well that’s all right. I guess I’m okay with the couple who won. It meant a lot to them.

Mrs. Popowski- As the official representatives of the town of Westbridge, I just want to say thank you and rest-rooms are for patrons only.

Mr. and Mrs. P. are dolled up in their finest. She in a pink crinoline ball-gown and he in his white ‘Disco Fever’ suit. Libby in the phone-booth.

Libby- Daddy? We have to move.



Pic of the Week