Sabrina, The Matchmaker

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina sits at her desk with a Valentine card in her hands while Salem brushes his fur.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘Roses are red, Violets are blue. You remind me of primordial goo.’ And they said I couldn’t find a card for Libby.

Salem- Oh-no, I’m losing my hair! Yesterday I counted six hairs in my kitty-comb, today there’s ten!

Sabrina pulls a hair from another, much more elaborate card.

Sabrina- Eleven.

Salem- Durgh!

Sabrina- Do you think Harvey and I might be soul-mates?

Salem- Depends, would you still love him if he was bald?

Sabrina- Of course, unless he did that weird comb-over thing. Oh twelve.

Salem- <Sob!> Sabrina, ya gotta help me. I don’t wanna be a chrome-dome. (Sob!)

She points giving Salem a brown hair-piece complete with quiff and DA.

Salem- (Cont.) Mmm. I like it, but can I swim in it?

Run opening credits

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Zelda comes from her room.

Zelda- Sabrina, hurry-up! It’s time for breakfast.

Sabrina comes out of her bedroom with her book-bag.

Sabrina- I’m coming, you don’t have to...

A flaming arrow thuds into Sabrina’s door-jam just above her head with a heart-shaped pink card attached.

Sabrina- (Cont.) ...Have my room attacked by Huns.

She reaches up and takes the card.

Zelda- It looks like somebody’s made Cupid angry.

Sabrina- Well he is a lonely, bitter man. (Reading) Sabrina, because you meddled in the laws of love and tried to break up your aunt Zelda and Mr. Kraft...’ (To Zelda) How does he know that?

Zelda- It’s Cupid’s job to know those things... and I might have mentioned it to him at a cocktail party.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘You must help two people fall in love by Valentines day or spend weekends picking up trash along the Other Realm Interstate.’ Ew! I don’t wanna spend my time chained to a bunch of drunks in orange jump-suits!

Zelda- Well they’re not all drunks... Some are murderers.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem has rigged up an elaborate array of mirrors in order to see the back of his head on the table.

Salem- Look, I really am losing my hair. Oh wait, that’s my butt.

Sabrina- Who am I gonna set-up?

Zelda- Well let’s see, there’s...

Hilda comes in interrupting.

Hilda- I just met the most amazing guy.

Salem- See Hilda? I knew that poker class at the ‘Learning Annex’d pay off.

Hilda- Where’s your lollipop Kojak?

Salem growls.

Hilda- (Cont.) Anyway, Carlton’s smart, handsome, funny, absolutely nothing like Willard.

Sabrina- I knew you’d like him. Well that takes care of my assignment.

Zelda- Cupid may wear a diaper but he’s no fool.

Hilda- And he asked me out for Valentines day. He’s always coming up with crazy, off-beat ideas like that. See ya.

She flounces off into the dining room.

Zelda- (To Sabrina) This is the best time in a Hilda relationship, before she spends any time with him.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Harvey runs to catch up with Sabrina who’s a little preocupied watching the other students.

Harvey- Hey Sabrina.

Sabrina- Hey.

She points at two lads talking.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Do ya think that guys dating anyone?

Harvey- Yeah, I think he’s dating that guy. Good news about Valentines day, my dad’s helping the fancy French resteraunt ‘La Petite Seine’ with it’s roach problem and he’s snagged us a reservation. One down-side to the restaurant though; no salad-bar.

He slips his arm round Sabrina and she leans into him smiling just as Mr. Kraft comes round the corner behind them.

Mr. Kraft- Hey! Hey no PDA in the hallway. I’m going to have write you both up.

Out come the detention slips.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) (To Sabrina) By the by, I hope your aunt Zelda doesn’t mind Easter candy for Valentines. Mother really want’s it out of the freezer.

He hands out the slips and walks away.

Sabrina- Hey! Those two would make a cute couple.

Harvey- Isn’t there a rule about lunch ladies dating students?

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina’s on the phone.

Sabrina- Why are you being so difficult Valerie. Just break up with Justin and let me set the two of you up again. Harvey and I do it all the time, it’s how we keep our relationship fresh.

Meanwhile, at the counter Zelda is stirring the pot..

Zelda- Salem, this hair-growth tonic you ordered is actually corn-bread batter.

Salem- They wouldn’t sell it if it didn’t work. Keep stirring.

Hilda enters looking the bees-knees.

Hilda- Well I’m off to France to find the perfect Valentines day dress and maybe kill an hour in a museum.

The toaster pings and Sabrina grabs the message. She takes one look a turns pale.

Sabrina- Oh-no! Cousin Marigold and her kids are coming by to discuss the family secret!

Hilda- Better hurry before... Paris closes.

She makes a quick getaway.

Zelda- I’d stay but... I don’t like them.

She’s off like a shot too.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Oh come on! You guys can’t leave me alone with cousin Marigold! She’s like a repressed memory waiting to happen!

Salem has applied his corn-bread batter and stuck a shower-cap over the top.

Salem- There, a couple of hours and you can call me Crystal Gail.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina comes up stairs with the phone to her ear.

Sabrina- No, I don’t need a phone number operator, I was just wondering, are you seeing anyone?... Hello?

The lines dead and she flicks it off just as the linen closet flashes into life. Sabrina opens the door.

Marigold- Sabrina!

She makes exaggerated kissy sounds on each side of Sabrina’s face but being careful never to come into contact. She’s followed into the house by two little devils

Marigold- (Cont.) Oh you look fabulous, but then against that shabby wallpaper who wouldn’t.

She brings foreword her youngest daughter to meet Sabrina.

Marigold- (Cont.) This is my daughter, Ally. She’s never been to the er to the mortal realm.

Sabrina- Hi Ally.

Ally- You’re right. A whole lot o’ nothin'.

Marigold laughs and turns to look inside the closet where the tinkling sound of magic emanates..

Marigold- Oh honey, stop turning the towels into taffy. You remember Amanda.

Amanda strolls out and Sabrina jumps back a pace taking up a defensive stance. She points at herself and kits herself out with full SWAT riot gear including plastic shield and tear-gas.

Sabrina- How can I forget! Keep those fingers up where I can see ‘em.

Amanda leans down to her little sister smiling.

Amanda- I love it when you can see fear in their eyes.

With a scream the two girls run around Sabrina to see what damage they can do.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina, back in her normal attire, leads Marigold down stairs.

Marigold- They’ve so much energy when they come to the mortal realm. You know I would have left them with their nanny but they wont tell me what they did with her and... They’re at that age.

Sabrina- Somewhere between birth and twenty-five-to-life.

There’s an explosion somewhere that rocks the house. Seconds later Amanda and Ally come running in soaked through.

Sabrina- (Cont.) What happened?

Amanda- Mortal plumbing can be so confusing.

Ally- And fun.

Int. Spellman bathroom. It’s shin deep in water and flowing out onto the landing. Sabrina, Amanda and Ally stand barefoot watching the plumber, Emil, work the suction cup down the toilet. Marigold watches also but hasn’t deigned to take off her shoes and stockings. With a grunt Emil pulls out a sweater that’s been blocking the U-bend.

Sabrina- Hey, that’s my sweater!

Ally- Oops!

Emil- Oh, come here.

He squats down and gestures for Ally to come forward. He takes her in his arms.

Emil- You’d be a good match for my son Robby, he’s well on his way to being a juvenile delinquent too.

Sabrina- I didn’t know you had kids.

Emil- Three. Since the divorce sometimes I bring Robby on calls with me. (To Ally) He’s out front playing right now. You’re well insured right?

Ally and Amanda wade off together.

Amanda- Last one to zap him into a snowman’s a rotten egg.

Sabrina- (To Emil) New game, all the kids are playing it. Gotta go.

She wades off to stop Robby becoming Frosty. Marigold stays leaning against the door-jam watching the plumber work and giving him a coy look. He spots it and humming to himself goes over to the sink with his wrench and fiddles with the tap. He pulls on the wrench and gets squirted in the face with water. Marigold laughs.

Emil- You thought that was pretty funny huh?

Marigold- Not candid, but yes.

Emil- You know this’d go a lot easier if you gave me a hand.

Marigold laughs again at the good joke until she realises.

Marigold- Oh! You weren’t kidding. No. No, I don’t do tools.

Emil- Come on, it will be something you can tell your grandchildren. Just hold the wrench here while I try and turn the water off.

Marigold sighs but sloshes over elegantly and takes hold of the wrench.

Marigold- Like this?

Emil- Yeah, but er you can pull towards ya.

He steps back as Marigold does and of course she gets a squirt in the face. Emil laughs.

Emil- Now that was funny huh?

Marigold- But not as funny as this.

She steps aside and pulls the wrench all the way getting Emil’s pants good and soaked.

Emil- Or erm this.

He grabs hold of Marigold by the back of her neck pulling her face down towards the tap and pulls the wrench with the other hand. Marigold squeals with a face-full of water.

Marigold- Or this!

She sticks her kid-leather gloved hands in the bowl and tosses a double handful of water over Emil.

Emil- Or this.

He bends down and scoops water between his legs at her.

Marigold- Or this!

She kicks water at him.

Emil- Or this!

More water drenches Marigold.

Emil- Or...

He grabs the shower extension as Marigold grabs his plunger.

Emil- (Cont.) ...This.

He lets her have it and she slips into the water covering the floor.

Marigold- Why you!

But Emil’s laughing and not watching behind himself and falls backwards into the bath-tub. They both sit there soaked to the skin with the shower still squirting them both.

Int. Spellman living room. Robby sits in front of the arm chair with his baseball smiling. Sabrina stands between him and the spawn of Satan with a firm grip on both their fingers.

Ally- Please will you let me turn him into a salamander?

Sabrina- No, not till you’re old enough to use vindictive magic responsibly.

The baseball hits Sabrina in the back. She looks round at a grinning Robby.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, but not a very big salamander.

All three junior witches raise their fingers to fire at Robby just as Marigold and Emil squelch in laughing with towels.

Emil- Well the bathrooms all fixed, just er don’t use the toilet... Ever.

Marigold- You girls aren’t going to believe this but your mother actually did manual labour.

Amanda- No!

Emil- And she aint half bad. Here hold still, you’ve got a little schmulze right there.

He gently holds her chin and brushes it off with the towel.

Amanda- (Aside to Ally) What’s the matter with mom? She’s acting all... nice.

Sabrina- Better, she’s acting like she likes him. This is perfect. I’ve found my couple.

Marigold- Well thanks for dropping by, It was very invigorating.

Emil- Anytime you want to be invigored again, you let me know. Bye.

Still smiling at Marigold he pick up his tool-box and heads for the door.

Robby- Dad!

Emil- Right! He’s so small I’m always losing him.

He picks Robbie up and tosses him over his shoulder and leaves. Marigold watches him go with a dreamy smile. Amanda and Ally watch on horrified. and Salem comes down stairs still wearing his shower-cap.

Salem- Where’s the water? I need to rinse. The tingle is now a burn.

Int. Spellman kitchen. With an elegant gesture Marigold’s sodden clothes and hair are instantly dried and Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Marigold, how can you let Emil walk out like that? He’s cute, he’s single and you’re my last hope.

Marigold- Me and Emil? Oh please Sabrina, the man makes a living pulling hair out of drains.

Sabrina- He’s got a truck with his picture on the side of it.

Marigold- Trust me, it would never work. Besides, I’m never going to see him again.

Sabrina points at the counter and a tool-box appears.

Sabrina- Fate calling!

Later. Emil picks up the tool box.

Emil- I could have sworn I had this with me when I left.

Sabrina- Oh well you didn’t, but y’know now that you’re back you can go ask Marigold out. Er you obviously like her.

Emil- Don’t get me wrong, your cousins great, but there’s no-way that a rich, classy woman like her is going out with a none-rich, classy guy like me.

He heads for the living room.

Sabrina- (Calling After) But you already had a splash-fight!

Int. Spellman living room. Marigold is with Amanda on the settee as Emil comes through followed by Sabrina. She looks round.

Sabrina- Wait! What are you doin’ tomorrow?

Emil opens his mouth to answer but Sabrina doesn’t give him the chance.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Well that’s perfect because Marigold isn’t doing anything either.

Marigold- Sabrina!

Sabrina- No-no, it’s no trouble at all. There’s nothing I like to do more on Valentines day than spend it cooking a gourmet meal for distant relatives and the people who fix our house.

Emil- (To Marigold) Well if you really don’t have any other plans?

Amanda- Remember you said you’d take us to...

Without taking her eyes from Emil she give Amanda a shove sending her sprawling on the floor.

Amanda- (Cont.) Oof!

Marigold- Actually, I’m completely free.

Sabrina- Great! (To Emil) Then we’ll see you tomorrow around seven okay?

Emil- Okay.

He leaves.

Sabrina- (To Marigold) Jeez, throw yourself at him why don’t you?

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Harvey joins Sabrina.

Harvey- Sabrina, when we go to ‘La Petite Seine’ are you gonna want an appetiser? Because if you do, I’m gonna need to shovel a few more driveways.

Sabrina- Oh Harvey, I can’t go. I promised my cousin I’d watch her kids while she goes on a date. I’m helping two people fall in love and I’m avoiding hard-time. I’m really really sorry.

Harvey- I know you wouldn’t break our Valentine’s date if it wasn’t important. Maybe I could go with my mom.

Int. Spellman dining room. Sabrina’s setting out the places for a nice, romantic dinner for two when Zelda comes in from the kitchen in a lovely black designer evening dress.

Zelda- Okay Sabrina, I’m leaving.

Hilda comes in from the living room wearing a lovely black designer evening dress.

Hilda- Sabrina, I’m going now.

There are two simultaneous indrawn breaths. The dresses are identical.

Hilda- This is an authentic Paris original! So you’d better take off that knock-off.

Zelda- I’m not changing, you change your dress.

Sabrina- It’s not like you guys are going to the same restaurant.

Zelda- Sabrina makes a point. No-one you’d date could afford ‘La Petite Seine’

Hilda- Oh! That’s where Carlton’s taking me. You’re such a copy-cat.

She points an angry finger at her sister and rips one of her sleeves off.

Zelda- Am not, See?

She points ripping Hilda’s collar off. Sabrina stands in the middle like a tennis spectator, head whipping one way then the other as the sisters go at it with the finger pointing. What they finish up with are two completely different black, self-designed evening dresses.

Sabrina- You know there’s no salad-bar there.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina helps a nervous Marigold with the finishing touches of her outfit.

Marigold- Oh Sabrina I’m so nervous. I’ve never been on a date with a mortal. Genies, Martians, enchanted tree’s, but never a mortal.

Sabrina- All you have to do is be honest and be yourself.

Marigold- I’ll never remember all that.

Two pairs of ears listen at the door.

Sabrina- Relax, you and Emil are gonna do great.

The door closes quietly.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing.

Amanda- Not if we have anything to do with it. Fingers ready?

She and Ally raise the fingers and touch them together releasing an intertwining, sparkling energy-field to seal their pact.

Amanda- (Cont.) Plunger-boy’s goin’ down.

Ally- Way down.

Int. La Petite Seine. Zelda enters to find Hilda already waiting. They’ve both changed dresses. There’s a cool distance between them.

Zelda- Willard’s parking the car.

Hilda- Carlton’s parking his Porsche. He’s such a refreshing change from Willard.

Speak of the devil. Mr. Kraft walks in removing his dust covered rain-coat.

Mr. Kraft- Unbelievable!

Zelda- Willard! What happened?

Mr. Kraft- Some idiot in a Porsche tried to run me down in the parking lot.

Carlton enters.

Carlton- Sorry! I had to wait for this old geezer.

Wow! Take away Mr. Kraft’s classes and stick a goatee on him and you have Carlton to perfection. It’s-it’s uncanny.

Mr. Kraft- Geezer?!

Carlton- That’s him!

Hilda- Carlton, this is my sister Zelda and this is her geezer... I mean boyfriend, Willard.

Carlton- Well nice to meet you Zellie, and I had no idea that this old sack belonged to you. Hey, no hard feelin’s, huh, Wilbur?

Mr. Kraft- It’s Willard.

They shake hands.

Carlton- Course it is. You should o’ seen the look on your face, wow!

Waiter- Table for four?

Mr. Kraft- Er no. No, I booked a table...

Carlton- (Interrupting) No-no-no. The more the merrier huh? Lead on Willie.

Mr. Kraft- (Under his breath) Willard!

Carlton- (Aside to Hilda) Phew! Your poor sister. Can you say loser?

Hilda- Well she has low self-esteem.

Carlton- Good.

Mr. Kraft- (Aside to Zelda) Where did she get that arrogant blow-hard?

Zelda- She has low self-esteem.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina opens the door to reveal Emil looking very dapper out of his work clothes.

Sabrina- Mr. Andronini, look at you all clean. Somebody owns an iron.

Amanda and her sister are hidden at the top of the stairs watching and Amanda points. Sabrina sees the iron come into existence directly over Emil’s head.

Sabrina- Run!

She pushes him aside just as the iron falls missing them both by inches.

Sabrina- Oh! I hate when people drop things out of aeroplanes.

Emil looks up at an aeroplane free sky while Sabrina glares at the sisters at the top of the stairs. They run off.

Int. La petite Seine. The two happy couples order.

Mr. Kraft- And I’ll have the fourteen ounce sirloin.

Carlton- And I’ll have the sixteen ounce sirloin.

Mr. Kraft- You didn’t let me finish. To start, now tell me about your hams.

Int. Spellman dining room. Marigold and Emil sit nervously smiling at each other as Sabrina come from the kitchen with a silver covered tray. Emil pours wine for them both.

Sabrina- Tonight’s entrée is baked chicken.

She puts the tray down on the sideboard just as Ally points at it from the behind the living room door. Sabrina lifts the cover and the chicken looks up at her. She quickly covers it again.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I think it’s a little under-cooked.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina hurry’s in with the tray.

Sabrina- Now I’ve gotta find a new entrée... and a coup.

Salem- Sabrina, you’ve gotta help me, I left the formula on too long.

Which describes his hair perfectly. He’s a real hippie-cat. Marigold hurry’s in from the dining room.

Marigold- Sabrina, you’ve gotta help me...

Salem- (Interrupting) Back of the line sister.

Marigold- I asked him about his hobbies and he started babbling on about pitching and catching and-and men in red socks.

Sabrina- Oh he’s talking about baseball, it’s a sport. Mortal men love it.

Marigold- Baseball. Got it.

Another of her elegant little gestures brings a baseball player to the here and now. Marigold takes him by the arm.

Marigold- Come with me.

Sabrina- Wait! Wait! You can’t just walk in there with a professional baseball player!

Marigold- Well can’t I shrink him down and put him in my pocket?

Sabrina- Just be honest. Tell Emil you don’t know anything about baseball. Guys love explaining stuff like that, it’s the only down-side.

Baseball Player- Excuse me, did I get hit in the head with a foul-ball or something?

Sabrina- Yeah, enjoy the buzz.

The front door-bell rings

Sabrina- (Cont.) (To Marigold) Oh, go.

She hurries back to the dining room.

Sabrina- (To Baseball Player) Here, hold this.

She hands him the chicken and runs to the door.

Salem- (To Baseball Player) You know baseball’s a game that combines physical prowess with mental discipline. Kill the chicken.

T baseball player looks very worried.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina opens the door to Harvey.

Sabrina- Harvey, what are you doing here?

Harvey- Sabrina, I’m putting my foot down. You’re my girlfriend and I demand you be with me on Valentines day.

Sabrina- You’re mom decided to go out with your dad?

Harvey- I’ll help you baby-sit.

Sabrina- That’s sweet Harvey but I...

Marigold- (Interrupting) Think it’s a wonderful idea.

She comes over.

Sabrina- Marigold, but the girls are... you know.

She lifts her finger and waggles it.

Marigold- Oh don’t worry, they’ll be little angel’s if I ask them to be.

Sabrina- How come you never asked them before?

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Harvey leads two little angel’s into Sabrina’s room by the hand. Sabrina stops Amanda.

Sabrina- I’m warning you, he’d better be just as cute and sweet when I get back or I’ll give you a wart you’ll have to push around in a wheelbarrow.

Amanda- Watch the blouse! It’s silk.

She goes into Sabrina’s room and despite their promise to behave, Sabrina’s taking no chances. She points at the door and it bricks itself up.

Sabrina- (To herself) I’ll zap in a port-a-potty later.

Int. La Petite Seine. Things are getting heated as the conversation turns to culture.

Mr. Kraft- No, there’s no way that ‘Smoky and the bandit’ is on the one hundred best movies list! And I have just about had it with your know-it-all attitude!

He stands up and throws down the napkin. Carlton stands also.

Zelda- Willard no! Brute force never solved anything.

Hilda- (Aside to Carlton) Carlton! His right knee is bad. One kick and he’s down.

Carlton- (To Mr. Kraft) So Waldo, are ya gonna do anything about it or are ya just gonna whine about it?

Mr. Kraft- Well normally I would just whine about it.

He removes his glasses making them look even more alike.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) But you have made me really mad.

He launches a huge right haymaker that Carlton has no trouble ducking but it was just a faint. Mr. Kraft grabs him while he’s ducked down and sends him flying into another table. Mr. Kraft goes for him again but Carlton up quick and spins him round sending him over his own chair to land face first in the remains of Zelda’s meal. That’s when the waiters spoil their fun by holding them apart.

Zelda- (To Mr. Kraft) So shall we split the creme brulée sampler?

Int. Spellman dining room. Things are going really well. Emil and Marigold are loving each others company and laughter rings round the Spellman’s house.

Emil- I can’t believe I didn’t bring any pictures of my boys. Oh they’re great. I mean they’re a handful but I wouldn’t trade ‘em... I’d sell ‘em.

Marigold looks down into her wine glass and conjures up an image of three young boys happily wrecking Emil’s living room as they scrap.

Marigold- Absolutely delightful.

Sabrina enters and sees what Marigold is doing.

Marigold- (Cont.) The couch has got to go.

Emil- What’s in you’re glass?

Sabrina- Oh Cork! And it has to go. Let me fish it out for ya.

She takes the glass from Marigold and stirs her finger round in it.

Int. Spellman kitchen. The baseball player finishes off trimming Salem’s long hair.

Salem- Oh thank you. No-one is ever going to mistake me for Pierre Sallinger again.

Baseball Player- You know, you are starting to get a little thin on top.

Salem- <Sob!>

Sabrina enters from the dining room.

Sabrina- Is dessert almost ready?

Baseball Player- I just took the pie out of the oven. Ten minutes?

There’s a commotion from upstairs. Sabrina shoves the tray of empty plates into the baseball players hands.

Sabrina- Hold this!

And runs for the stairs.

Sabrina-HARVEY!!

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Dust everywhere and two little witches with sledgehammers and hard-hats are looking at her over the remains of the bricked-up doorway.

Sabrina- Where’s Harvey?!

Amanda- Right here, just as cute and sweet as when you left him.

A cute little labrador puppy climbs over the remains of the wall and trots past Sabrina.

Sabrina- Harvey?!

Ally- We changed his name to Cuddles.

Int. Spellman dining room. Sabrina chases Cuddles down the stairs and through the dining room past the surprised couple. She stops as she runs past.

Sabrina- Desserts coming right out.

She hears barking and a spitting cat in the kitchen and goes after them. Marigold and Emil get back to gazing lovingly into each others eyes.

Salem- (OS) Oh-no, dog!

There’s a crash.

Baseball Player- (OS) Oh-no! My pie!

Salem runs in from the kitchen with Cuddles hot on his heals. He dives under the table. Sabrina brings up the rear and dives under the table after them. There’s spitting and barking and the table shakes and wobbles. Emil grabs the wine glasses to steady them. Then ignores them as he takes Marigold’s hands instead. Salem makes a break for the living room but Cuddles is like a dog with a bone and he follows. Sabrina comes out breathless and with her hair loose.

Sabrina- There, I fixed that wobble.

Then she’s off in pursuit.

Int. Spellman living room. Amanda and Ally are on the settee watching the show as Sabrina runs by she turns to them.

Sabrina- Change him back!

But they just laugh as Sabrina follows the animals up the stairs.

Amanda- (To Ally) Time to put operation Get-this-loser-plumber-out-of-our-lives into action.

She points.

Int. Spellman dining room.

Emil- This wine is making me feel so warm.

Then his chair bursts into flames. He leaps up.

Emil- (Cont.) Argh! Fire! Fire! Oh my god! My pants!

Marigold remains calm and calmly conjures up a watering-can and puts the burning chair out.

Emil- (Cont.) Oh yeah, good.

He takes the can from her and finishes the job.

Emil- (Cont.) Good. Hey, here. Here. I got it! I got it! I got it. I got it, thanks.

He hands the watering-can back to Marigold then looks at it.

Emil- (Cont.) Where did that watering-can come from?

Marigold- Er this? Um... I’ll be right back.

She heads for the kitchen where the baseball player is cleaning up his spilled pie and Salem is still on the run from Cuddles.

Salem- I’m too young to be a chew-toy!

Cuddles is closely persuade by Sabrina

Sabrina- Harvey! Heal!

Marigold intercepts her.

Marigold- Sabrina! What do I say to Emil! His chair just...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Marigold, whatever it is just be yourself and be honest.

She pushes past Marigold and runs off into the back yard.

Sabrina- Bad dog, Harvey!

Marigold puts down the watering-can, straightens her hair, takes a deep breath and goes back into the dining room.

Int. Spellman dining room. Marigold enters to be confronted by her two smiling daughters. They’re smiling so she’s immediately suspicious.

Marigold- Where’s Emil?

Amanda- Hair clog emergency somewhere?

Sabrina enters carrying Harvey.

Sabrina- You two! Kitchen! Now! And there’s a puddle on the mud-porch with your names on it.

The children dash to the kitchen.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Where’s Emil?

Marigold just shrugs.

Emil- Help!

They look down at the table and see a tiny Emil standing in the empty wine bottle.

Emil- Help?

Sabrina- Well, um let’s get him out and hope he didn’t notice.

She picks up the bottle and smashes it. Emil quickly grows back to his normal size and is left lying on the table. Marigold smiles down at him.

Marigold- So Emil, you where saying?

He jumps off the table.

Emil- Who-who are you people?!

Marigold- Wait, I can explain.

Sabrina- You can? I mean of course she can.

Marigold- Emil, I have to be honest with you. I’m a witch.

Sabrina- Am I the only one who thinks the salmon-mouse has gone a little bad?

Emil- I think I’ll go now.

He backs away then turns and runs for the door. The baseball player enters from the kitchen with coffee and after dinner mints.

Baseball Player- Now, who wants decaff?

Int. Westbridge Police Station. Mr. Kraft and Carlton share a cell.

Carlton- So where d’ya learn to fight like that?

Mr. Kraft- Well when you grow up playing the zither and loving Doris Day, you get in your share of scrapes.

Carlton- You’re a Doris Day fan?

Mr. Kraft- Yeah.

Carlton- Me too.

Mr. Kraft- No kidding? Well.

Int. Spellman living room. It’s a busy little place. Amanda and Ally have magiced up a complete play-ground with swings, slides and round-about. The baseball player is sat eating pie. Harvey the puppy is chewing a tennis ball on the settee and Sabrina is giving Marigold a telling off.

Sabrina- Marigold, you have to go after Emil! If he tells anyone you’re a witch you’ll all be thrown out of the Other Realm and lose your magic.

Marigold is too upset to care.

Sabrina- (Cont.) You’ll be mortal and you’ll have to live... Here! Come on woman move!

She grabs Marigold’s arm and drags her with her.

Marigold- I think he made it clear he doesn’t want to see me again.

Sabrina- Fine! I’ll go. I’m sure he hasn’t had chance to tell anyone yet...

The baseball player vanishes mid bite. Amanda, who was on the upswing on the swing goes sailing through the air when the swing disappears. Ally, who was at the top of the slide is now on her bottom and Harvey is back to being Harvey, although he’s still chewing on that tennis ball. Every spell that Sabrina’s guests have cast are gone. which can only mean one thing.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Unless he has a car-phone.

Int. Westbridge Police Station. Hilda and Zelda are accompanied down to the cells by a young officer.

Hilda- A couple of days in the slammer might teach Carlton to fight a little better.

Zelda- Oh we can’t just leave them here Hilda, it’s partially our fault for pitting them against each other.

Mr. Kraft and Carlton- (Singing) Will I be pretty..

Mr. Kraft- Right.

Mr. Kraft and Carlton- (Singing) Will I be rich.
Here’s what she said to me.
Que Sera Sera.
Whatever will be will be.

Zelda- (To the police officer) We’ve never seen these men before in our lives.

They leave... quickly.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina is seeing Harvey out.

Harvey- Really? I slept the whole time?

Sabrina- It may be time to go take naps.

Harvey- Yeah well, I’m wide awake now and I feel...

Sabrina throws the tennis ball out onto the front lawn. Harvey watches it go

Sabrina- Go get it!

He goes running after it. Sabrina closes the door and goes back into the main room where Marigold is trying to strangle a lamp stand.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Marigold, I’m really sorry about you losing your magic. I feel responsible, I just didn’t wanna pick up trash.

Marigold- Oh don’t blame yourself Sabrina. I’m sure I can learn to cope.

She gives the lamp a couple of shakes.

Sabrina- Here, you just flip the switch.

Marigold- Oh dear lord! What have I done?

There’s a knock at the door.

Sabrina- Oh, why did they have to turn him into a retriever?

She answers the door

Sabrina- Harvey...

But it’s not Harvey.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Mr. Andronini?

Marigold- Emil?! You came back!

Emil- I’ve been driving around the last hour thinking.

Sabrina- And talking.

Emil- Yeah, my brother. He er thinks I’m crazy. I am, about you.

Marigold- Wow! (Under her breath) And he’s met my children.

Emil- I don’t understand what happened tonight but for some strange reason I know I want to keep seeing you.

Marigold- I’m not going anywhere.

They slip into one another’s arms but as their lips are about to meet.

Emil- Oh I-I just-I just wanna clarify one thing. Do you have magical powers?

Marigold- I can honestly say, I don’t.

They kiss and the love match is sealed by a flaming arrow thudding into the carpet by their feet.

Sabrina- Yes! I did it!

Emil- I’m not even gonna ask.

He returns to his interrupted kiss as Hilda return.

Sabrina- Look, I did it. Marigold and Emil are in love.

Hilda- Oh bully for them.

She doesn’t so much as pause on her way upstairs. Zelda comes in and at least takes a look at the kissing couple.

Zelda- See Sabrina? That wasn’t so hard.

Harvey comes panting in with the tennis ball in his mouth and drops it at Sabrina’s feet. He looks at her expectantly. She picks it up and fakes a throw. Harvey sets off after it then turns back. She fakes him again before actually throwing the ball. Harvey’s off like a shot.

Int. Spellman kitchen. The next day. Marigold studies the mysteries of the mayonnaise jar while Sabrina helps to prepare a picnic lunch.

Sabrina- You really don’t mind losing your magic?

Marigold- All I can say is, I have had magic for hundreds of years and I have never really been happy and now I’m happy. What’s the trick to this?

She holds out the mayo jar and Sabrina twists the top off.

Marigold- (Cont.) Why do they have to make it so complicated? Oh I almost forgot.

She takes a heart shaped card, well roughly heart shaped, from the picnic basket and hands it to Sabrina.

Sabrina- A poorly cut Valentine?

Marigold- No, it’s your clue to the family secret. Hey, have you ever tried to use scissors? Barbaric.

Amanda and Ally come down stairs.

Sabrina- Whoa! A tornado in the bathroom?

They both have their blouses unevenly buttoned and their hair in disarray.

Amanda- We never had to get dressed the mortal way before.

Ally- Buttons are hard!

Emil- Knock-knock.

Run credits

He opens the back door and allows in his own little monsters.

Emil- (Cont.) Four hungry men reporting for duty. This is er Darryl.

He takes the head-phones of his eldest boys ears whose a few years younger than Sabrina.

Emil- (Cont.) And Angelo.

His middle son whose about Amanda’s age.

Emil- (Cont.) And er you met Robby.

Whose around Ally’s age.

Marigold- Hi boys, I’m Marigold and these are my daughters Amanda and Ally.

Angelo- (To Amanda) Nice shirt, button it with your feet?

Amanda- No, my fist!

She lets out after the boy. Robby shows Ally his new pet, a bull frog. Ally screams and runs away Robby chases after her.

Marigold- Oh!

Emil- Kids! Come on! Hey! Can we act like a family here?

Darryl- Quit sayin’ that, we’re not a family.

Emil- Hey! come on. Robby! d'ah!

He grabs the picnic hamper as Marigold gets her coat. It’s bedlam in the Spellman kitchen.

Sabrina- Sounds like a real family to me.