What Price Harvey?

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina, Zelda and Salem are at breakfast when Hilda comes bouncing in singing to herself.

Sabrina- Wow! I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so happy!

Salem- Me neither. Which is a really sad commentary on Hilda’s life.

Zelda- Hilda always gets this excited when she’s going to see our cousin Zsa Zsa Goowhiggie.

Sabrina- Gesundheit.

Hilda- She’s my favourite relative. She’s a great practical joker, tons of fun.

Zelda- If you call putting killer bees in someone’s bonnet fun.

Sabrina- Oh well maybe you were too swollen to laugh.

Zelda- Well I’m going to say my hello’s and then get back to work on my sub-atomic microphone.

Sabrina- Are you still trying to prove electrons can hear?

Zelda- Don’t laugh.

Sabrina- Because they might hear me?

Zelda- (To Hilda) And you, instead of fooling around with Zsa Zsa, you should be practising your violin. You've got an audition in two days.

Hilda- Which is two days away

Zelda opens the refrigerator and a pair of eyes turn to her. A forked tongue flicks out tasting the air. Zelda takes one look at the twelve-feet long boa constrictor, screams and keels over in a dead faint.

Hilda- Oh! This is vintage Zsa Zsa! She hurries to the fridge. Okay Zsa Zsa, you can come out in your human form now.

A head pops round the door frame behind her.

Zsa Zsa- Got ya!

Hilda spins round to see Zsa Zsa, then looks back at the snake. Her head whips between the two a few times before she screams and keels over to join her sister flat out on the floor.

Sabrina- So, Goowhiggie, is that Swedish?

Run opening credits.

Int. Spellman living room. Avon calling. Zsa Zsa powders onto Hilda’s nose.

Zsa Zsa- There you go.

Hilda- When did you start selling cosmetics?

Zsa Zsa- When the trust fund dried up.

She reaches into her sample bag.

Zsa Zsa- (Cont.) Oh! Here is the latest beauty product from the Other Realm.

It’s handed to Sabrina.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘Instant Hobo’? What, when the jar is empty you can live in it?

Salem- I think I’m getting bags under my eyes.

They all looks at him but say nothing.

Salem- (Cont.) Okay, you all missed your cue to say ‘No Salem, you look fine.’ It seems I need some concealer.

Zsa Zsa- Salem, I’d love to sell you some products but your names all over the bad cheque list.

Salem- What about my aliases?

Zsa Zsa- They’re gonna have baggy eyes too.

Salem- <Sob!>

Zsa Zsa- Zelda, this colour could be for you.

Zelda- Oh?

She takes the silver box and opens it. Two sprung snakes fly out.

Zelda- (Cont.) Argh!

Hilda and Zsa Zsa laugh

Zelda- (Cont.) You know, they must miss you two at the Argonguin.

She leaves.

Sabrina- Well I would love to stick around and wonder what you two have been drinking but I have to get to school.

Zsa Zsa- Oh Sabrina. Sabrina, please try this blush.

She takes the compact

Sabrina- I wonder what’s going to pop out of here and cause you two to laugh uncontrollably.

Hilda and Zsa Zsa look at each other with feigned innocence as Sabrina carefully opens the compact.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey, nice colour.

She dabs some onto her cheeks admiring the effect in the mirror.

Zsa Zsa- U-hu.

Sabrina- Not bad.

As soon as she closes the compact the powder on her cheeks turns bright purple.

Zsa Zsa- Really.

Sabrina- Thank you Zsa Zsa.

Zsa Zsa- Oh you’re welcome.

Sabrina leaves.

Zsa Zsa- Bye-bye.

Once she’s gone Hilda and Zsa Zsa burst into fits of giggles.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Harvey comes up to Sabrina at her locker.

Harvey- Hey Sabrina.

Sabrina turns showing off her bright purple cheeks.

Harvey- Whoa! Did you enrol in clown college?

Sabrina checks herself out in the mirror on the back of her locker door.

Sabrina- Oh! Zsa Zsa! (To Harvey) Harvest season at my aunts vineyard. So um did you sign up to take any college prep classes?

As Harvey answers she grabs a tissue from her locker and rubs as much of the purple off her cheeks as she can.

Harvey- Oh I decided I’m not taking the SAT’s. I’m going to be a mechanic, so I’m not going to college.

Sabrina- Really? No college?

She sees a disconcerting vision of her future. She comes home from her high-flying business career after a hard day in a stylishly cut suit rubbing her stressed neck.

Sabrina- What a day, who would have thought an executive vice-president would have so much to do?

She puts her briefcase down next to her husband Harvey who’s sat in front of the TV in his oily overalls eating pop-corn and drinking a tinny of beer.

Harvey- (To the TV) Drive! So what if your engines on fire? What are ya, a girl?!

Sabrina- Harvey, I’m home.

Harvey- Oh hey honey, did you see the new car?

Sabrina- Yeah, It looks like it’s up on new blocks too.

Harvey- And as soon as I find a new engine and some tyres I’m takin’ my girl for a ride.

He hugs Sabrina getting sump oil all over her smart suit before turning back to the TV.

Harvey- Oh it’s getting exciting.

The school bell snaps Sabrina out of her horrible imaginings.

Harvey- See ya after class.

Sabrina- Wait! So ya really not gonna go to college?

Harvey- Nope!

He leaves.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Not even clown college?

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zsa Zsa has carelessly left her sample bag unattended on the counter. It doesn’t remain that way for long with Salem about.

Salem- Tum-ti-tum-ti-tum. Tum-tum-tum Ha-ha! The concealer at last. Hmm that cherry lip-stick looks delicious. No! Beautify now; eat later.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina talks to her aunts about her concerns.

Sabrina- Do you think that I should be worried that Harvey isn’t going to college?

Hilda- I didn’t go to college.

Sabrina- Oh he’s doomed I tell you, doomed.

She goes off upstairs to worry in private.

Zelda- Oh I can’t imagine what it would feel like to have no drive, so little ambition.

She looks across at her sister.

Zelda- (Cont.) Not that that’s a bad thing.

Hilda- And I can’t imagine what it would be like to be so driven you never had time for fun.

Zsa Zsa has come in and overheard this conversation.

Zelda- I have fun! Working non-stop to achieve a goal is enormously pleasurable.

Hilda- Oh that’s right, they have that new all-work ride at Disneyworld.

Zsa Zsa- May I offer a suggestion?

They both jump. Neither of them realising that Zsa Zsa was behind them listening.

Zsa Zsa- (Cont.) Walk-A-Mile moccasins.

She places two pairs of pink slippers between Zelda and Hilda.

Zsa Zsa- (Cont.) You each buy a pair and then switch. They help you understand how the other person feels.

Hilda- Can’t we just have extensive family therapy?

Zelda- Maybe we should try them Hilda. It’s only a mile and... they’re pink.

Hilda- Well I can see why you’d wanna be like me but why would I wanna be like you?

Zsa Zsa taps Hilda’s arm with a pair of the slippers.

Hilda- All right!

They each take a pair.

Zsa Zsa- Ah yes. Now switch.

The swap pairs as the porch door slides open but no-one comes in.

Salem- Say everyone, are there still bags under my eyes?

The cushion on the arm of the settee dips in the middle.

Hilda- Salem, where are you?

Salem- I’m right here in front... Oh dear lord! I used too much concealer! I’m invisible!

Zsa Zsa- And in dept.

Hilda- But on the bright side, you really can’t see those bags.

Salem- (Sob!)

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina lies belly down on her bed reading. There’s a knock at her door. It opens and an enormous smiling perm pops round the door.

Zsa Zsa- Knock-knock!

Sabrina- Oh hi Zsa Zsa, I don’t have any time for any pranks so just leave the joy-buzzer and I’ll shock myself with it later.

Zsa Zsa- This is business honey. Now I overheard about your little friend Harvey and I’ve got the perfect product.

She holds up a small glass bottle in a typical advertising pose.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘Pure Ambition’?

Zsa Zsa- It’s a cologne. A little dab and your man’ll be more ambitious than the entire William Morris mail-room put together.

Sabrina removes the top and takes a sniff.

Sabrina- Whoa! It’s a little musky

Zsa Zsa- Well they do say that success is ninety-nine percent perspiration.

Sabrina- Gross! I’ll take it. Put it on my aunts tab.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Harvey chats with his mate.

Harvey- Man, this East German transmission is driving me crazy. I figure it’s either a valve or they’re ploting to take over the world again.

Sabrina catches up to them

Sabrina- Harvey! I got you a present.

She gives him the bottle.

Harvey- What for?

Sabrina- Boyfriends day. Ah its... an holiday the retailers came up with to... fill in the slow sales season between Christmas and Easter. Just put it on.

Harvey takes off the cap and takes a whiff.

Harvey- Oh! It smells like my dog when he’s rolled in something dead...

He looks down at a disappointed Sabrina.

Harvey- (Cont.) But I like it.

Suddenly the magic kicks in.

Harvey- (Cont.) Hey! After I replace that valve I think I’m gonna overall the whole engine.

Sabrina- You’re not talking about SAT’s are you?

Harvey- (To his mate) Come on man, we can fix this car. We just need to be a little more ambitious.

The walk off down the hallway talking torque to power ratios.

Sabrina- (Calling after) But after you’ve fixed the car you’re going to drive it to a college recruitment center right? Right?! (To herself) Grr, I guess a little dab didn’t do him.

Int. Spellman living room.

Hilda- You know we’ve been wearing these moccasins for a while now and I don’t feel any different, do you?

Zelda- No, although I do have a sudden urge to track bear.

Zsa Zsa enters.

Zsa Zsa- Hey Hilda, d’ya wanna fill up all the holes on the golf course?

Hilda- No thanks, I’m going to practice my violin.

She heads off upstairs.

Zelda- And I have research to do... Although golf course high-jinx sounds like fun.

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. Harvey sits reading his motor magazine while Sabrina quietly comes up behind him with the cologne bottle. She carefully dabs some behind his ear surprising him. He throws up his arm nudging the bottle and gets splattered by a good splash of Pure Ambition.

Harvey- Hey! Hey! Oh! Oh the smell.

He wrinkles his nose in disgust. Sabrina gasps as the stench makes her eyes water.

Sabrina- Eugh! It’s not that bad is it?

Harvey tries to waft the smell away but it follows him as he heads for the exit.

Harvey- Ogh!

Sabrina- Where are you going?

Harvey- To bathe...

The magic kicks in once more.

Harvey- (Cont.) And take the practice SAT test.

He leaves and Sabrina smiles delighted.

Sabrina- Ah the sweet stench of success.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda is sat at the table talking down the phone with Zsa Zsa beside her.

Zelda- A-hem. Hello, do you have Prince Albert in a can?... Oh I think you do.

Zsa Zsa waves her hand.

Int. Westbridge Tobacconist. The shopkeeper puts down the phone shrugging and reaches for a can of Prince Albert and lifts the lid.

Prince Albert- Excuse me shopkeeper, do be a sport and let me out of here would you?

The shopkeeper replaces the lid and wonders about that exotic tobacco he got from Mexico.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zsa Zsa and Zelda giggle at the jolly jape.

Zsa Zsa- Oh, didn’t you say someone was coming over from the Grant Committee for a presentation?

Zelda- Oh. Oh that’s right and I’ve got to get right to work.

Zsa Zsa- M-hm.

Zelda- Just one more call. One more...

On the counter a tin of salmon slides across the top apperantly under it’s own steam to join a collection of tune cans..

Zelda- (Cont.) Salem?

Salem- (Putting on a voice) Salem’s not here.

Zelda- Oh well then he wont want me to open any of those cans for him.

Salem- (Still putting on a voice) Oh wait, here he is now. Salem, how about some of that sockeye? (Normal voice) Love some.

Zelda and Zsa Zsa laugh as Hilda enters looking very serious.

Hilda- Hey bright boy, you might be invisible but these cans aren’t. Put these away.

Salem- Party-pooper.

Hilda- And put that tongue back in your mouth. (To Zelda) Don’t you have some research to do?

Zsa Zsa- Hildy, your nose is running,

Hilda- Oh is it?

Zelda- Hu-hu.

Zsa Zsa- Yes it is.

Zsa Zsa gestures and Hilda has to chase her nose around the table.

Hilda- I’m just glad I don’t play a wind instrument.

She catches her nose and goes off in a huff as Zelda and Zsa Zsa laugh.

Int. Westbridge High School Practise SAT test class. The bell rings and test papers are handed forward. Sabrina hands hers to Harvey.

Sabrina- So you seem to be working hard. How d’ya think you did?

Harvey- Oh I forgot about the test, I was drawing-up my design for the new race-car I’m gonna build.

He shows her his design.

Harvey- It’s completely aerodynamic and it has seventeen cup-holders.

He goes to show the design to his friend.

Sabrina- (To herself) Oh I’m gonna get Zsa Zsa right in the Goowhiggie!

Int. Spellman living room. Zsa Zsa is testing out some of her fragrances on herself as Sabrina comes in.

Sabrina- That ambition cologne only made Harvey more ambitious towards cars and... beverage caddies.

Zsa Zsa- Well Harvey’s ambitions need to expand beyond his usual horizons. The cologne may not be enough.

Sabrina- I’m not buying anymore stuff.

Zsa Zsa- Well I’m not sure I have anything that’s appropriate, although I did sell the Ambition deodorant to Bill Gates but it’s not for Harvey.

Sabrina- Bill Gates?

Zsa Zsa- M-hm, and Michael Isnor, he swears by Ambition shampoo but it’s not for Harvey. Oh he wouldn’t be interested in the Ambition aftershave.

Sabrina- I’ll take it! I’ll take the whole line of Ambition products.

Zsa Zsa- Wonderful!

She hands over a large paper carrier bag emblazoned with ‘Pure Ambition’ she just happens to have ready.

Zsa Zsa- (Cont.) And with your forty dollar purchase you’ll receive this lovely... tote-bag.

Sabrina- Forty dollars?

Zsa Zsa- Forty dollars.

Sabrina- Put it on my aunts tab.

Zsa Zsa- M-hm.

Sabrina takes the tote-bag and heads upstairs. Zsa Zsa smiles to herself and gets back to sampling perfumes.

Zsa Zsa- (To herself) Ambition is a good product. Almost as good as my favourite perfume, Reverse Psychology.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina enters struggling under the weight of her purchases.

Sabrina- (To herself) Man, these Ambition products are heavy.

Salem- Te-he-he-he-he.

Sabrina- Salem!

Salem- I love these free rides, although I could have done without your stop-over in the bathroom.

Sabrina- Harvey’ll never put these products on willingly. I’m just going to have to do it the hard way.

Int. Westbridge High School boys locker-room. Harvey’s hitting the showers after football practice. As he gets under the jets a small blonde girl peeps with one eye through the window sash and points replacing the normal soap in the tray with ‘Pure Ambition’ Harvey starts to rub it over his body until the smell hits him.

Ext. Westbridge High School. Sabrina waits for Harvey and when he arrives she shows him the pretty corsage she’s wearing in her lapel. He sniffs at it and Sabrina squeezes the bulb squirting him with ‘Pure Ambition’ aftershave.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda diligently practices her violin as Zsa Zsa and Zelda peep round the dinning room door jam. Hilda turns the page of her music to be confronted by a heard of roaches. She screams and jumps back. The two tricksters laugh hysterically.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina waits in ambush with a bug-spray can and catches Harvey as he comes past with a good blast of ‘Pure Ambition’ talc. He brushes it off his white face but Sabrina fled and the poor guy who happens to be passing gets a shove from Harvey.

Int. Spellman dining room. Zelda’s finally got down to some research. She studies her sample under the microscope and Zsa Zsa sticks her head in. Zelda raises hers to show a black ring round her right eye from the eye-piece,

Int. Westbridge High School boys locker-room. Harvey’s back under the shower doing his hair. A mop handle comes through the window with a bottle tied to its end. The pole tilts pouring ‘Pure Ambition’ shampoo over Harvey’s head. The smell hits him and he rubs harder trying to get rid of it.

Int. School hallway. Harvey’s pitching everything from his locker into a trash-can. Sabrina comes up behind him and squirts a blast of ‘Pure Ambition’ Deodorant at him. He turns and she hides it behind her back.

Harvey- Hey! I’m so glad to see you. I just came to an incredible decision, I’m going to do everything I can to achieve my full potential.

Sabrina- Well that’s great! And you’re starting out by clearing out your locker?

Harvey- I’m starting by dropping out o’ school.

He slings his bag over his shoulder and walks off.

Sabrina- (Calling after) That’s not gonna look good on your college application!

She chases after and catches up with him.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey! So why are you dropping out of school, to be a mechanic?

Harvey- Course not, I’m going to pool my lawn mowing and paper route money together and put a down-payment on a garage. I’m gonna be an owner/operator.

Sabrina comes to a stunned dead stop and Harvey carries on out of school.

Sabrina- (To Herself) Great! So was Goober Pile.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda has had to leave off her violin practice to answer the door to a distinguished looking gentleman.

Boris- I am here to interview Zelda Spellman about her grant proposal.

She shows him into the living room.

Hilda- I’ll go get her. Zelda is a terrific researcher, very hard working, dedicated, professional.

Zelda and Zsa Zsa come in laughing so hard they have to hold each other upright. Both with rings wound their eyes.

Hilda- (Cont.) Zelda. Zelda! This is Boris Lermontov, the head of the ‘Grant Committee’!

Zelda- Oh, Mr. Lermontov. Please sit down.

He goes to take a seat in the arm-chair.

Zsa Zsa- All the way down.

With a gesture the chair moves back a few feet depositing Boris on his butt. Zsa Zsa and Zelda burst into fresh gales of laughter.

Boris- I can’t find my spectacles.

Hilda picks them up from the floor and helps Boris up also.

Hilda- There you are. I’m sorry, the house isn’t level.

Boris- Does she find time to do actual research between guffaws?

Zelda- I am sorry, I would like to get serious and discuss my latest endeavour. The wedgie project!

She points magically hiking the back of Boris’s underpants all the way up to his shoulder-blades. Boris yells with pain and rises up on his toes as the pranksters collapse into fresh hysteria.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina sits with Zsa Zsa.

Zsa Zsa- And so it did make the boy ambitious?

Sabrina- If you consider forgoing a high school diploma to spend time with leaky carburettors ambitious.

Zsa Zsa- And I do.

Sabrina- Just tell me how to reverse the effect.

Zsa Zsa- Sorry, once ambition has been applied you have to let it run its course.

Sabrina- Great! Well this is as ambitious as he’ll get right?

Zsa Zsa- Should be. You just used a little didn’t ya?

The door bell rings and Sabrina worriedly gets up to answer.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina opens the door to a smart, wealthy looking businessman in a pinstriped suit.

Sabrina- Harvey?! Let me guess, you haven’t been working on cars have you?

Harvey- No, and I’ve got great news. Instead of going to the bank for a loan I got onto the Internet and used my savings to buy Yen which I converted into German Marks and then put the whole thing on pork-bellies and when I left home I was up eleven million dollars! Of course it’s all on paper.

Sabrina- (Excited) Eleven million dollars! Think of the college you could afford.

Harvey- Good idea!

He heads for the door while Sabrina glows with happiness that her forty dollar investment has paid off big-time.

Harvey- (Cont.) Maybe I’ll buy one.

He leaves bursting Sabrina’s little bubble.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda’s at the table restringing her fiddle which is no easy task with an invisible, playful cat around.

Hilda- Salem, stop that!

He continues to bat around the loose end of the string.

Salem- (Laughing) I’m invisible and you can’t catch me! I’m invisible and you can't...

Hilda catches him.

Later. She finishes wrapping the bandages round Salem and ties them off as Zelda comes down stairs..

Salem- You will hear from my lawyer.

Hilda- God bless Claude Raines.

Zelda- Well Boris Lermontov called. It looks like I’m not getting that grant and after that wedgie he’s joining the Vienna boys choir.

Hilda- I hope this teaches you to act more responsibly.

Zelda- Oh you’re right, I really need to.

Zsa Zsa- (OS) Here I come!

Zelda- Hide! Zsa Zsa’s it.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. A flunky holds the door open for Mr. Kinkle.

Harvey- (To his secretary) Cancel my five o’clock, tell the Mayor I can’t make his fund-raiser but tell the Governor I can make his. Now I want you...

Sabrina rushes over.

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Harvey, what’s going on?

Flunky- Excuse me ma’am! You can’t talk to Mr. Kinkle without an appointment.

Harvey- It’s okay, I’ve got...

He checks his watch.

Harvey- (Cont.) ...Thirty seconds free if we keep walking.

His secretary sticks a folder in front of him and he signs it.

Sabrina- Well, it’s good to see you back in school.

Harvey- Yep, I’m here to see how much it’ll cost to knock it down.

Sabrina- What?!

Harvey- Well I need a headquarters for my empire, so I’m gonna raise the entire block and put up a sky-scraper.

Sabrina- But you can’t! There’s an orphanage and a retirement home on this block!

Harvey- And lucky for me, old folks and kids are bad negotiators. Sabrina, you should drop-out o’ school. I’ve got enough money to support both of us and despite your intelligence, I think you’d make a great trophy-wife.

He chucks her on the chin before checking his watch again, snapping his fingers and walking off surrounded by his flunky’s.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina discusses her problem with the invisible cat. The shades on top of his bandages are a nice touch.

Sabrina- I’ve gotta do something. I can’t stand what Harvey’s become.

Salem- Dope fiend? Degenerate gambler? Petty thief?

Sabrina- An aggressive, ambitious multimillionaire.

Salem- How awful! Will you tell Harvey, I always liked him?

Sabrina- I’ve got to show him he’s going down the wrong path!

Salem- Well why not cast a prognosis-hypnosis spell? It shows a person what could happen if they keep doing what they’re doing.

Sabrina- There’s such a spell?

Salem- It’s a classic and it’s perfect for this situation.

Sabrina- Thanks Salem! Is there anything I can do for you?

Salem- No, can’t think of a thing.

Sabrina- Okay. Gotta go.

Salem- (Calling after) Sabrina! I mean...!

But it’s too late, she’s already gone.

Salem- (Cont.) <Sob!> Curse my sarcastic nature. <Sob!>

Int. Harvey’s bedroom. He’s fast asleep when a petite blonde, semi-transparent apparition appears in his room in a ghostly white gown.

Sabrina- Harvey. Harvey Kinkle. Move it!

Harvey wakes.

Harvey- Sabrina?! Did my parents let you in?

Sabrina- I’m here to show you your future.

Harvey- No more lobster and chocolate-cake before bed.

He gets up and with a snap of her fingers they’re way into Harvey’s future.

Int. The Kinkle residence living room. A pretty middle-aged woman sits reading to two children in the sumptuous penthouse suite living room.. The spectral Harvey and Sabrina materialise.

Harvey- Who’s that?

Sabrina- Trixie, your third wife. As vacant and dim-whited a woman as ever walked this earth.

Harvey- Great bone-structure.

Harvey the spectre get a pretty solid elbow in the ribs from the Sabrina spectre as a much older Harvey walks into the room in all his corporate glory.

Old Harvey- Hello family, father’s home.

He pats the two children on their heads. Trixie raises her lips for a welcoming kiss and receives a pat on the head also.

Old Harvey- (Cont.) Now, I must get back to the office.

He starts to leave again and Trixie jumps up to intercept him.

Trixie- Harvey honey, Rex and Lucy have been feeling a bit down lately.

Old Harvey- And they are?

Trixie- Your children.

Old Harvey- Oh right, right.

Trixie- I’m not sure they feel loved.

Old Harvey- Oh no problem, I’ll have my secretary write them an affectionate note.

The children hang their heads sadly.

Sabrina- I think you’ve seen enough. Let's go.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Students walk the halls in the new uniform. Gas-masks. The spectre’s appear leaning against the wall.

Harvey- What’s all this?

Sabrina- Oh I don’t know. It might have something to do with the chemical plant you put on the football field.

Harvey- Fair enough, but why the gas-masks?

Ext. The top of Kinkle Tower overlooking the vast industrial estate that is/was Westbridge. It extends from one horizon to the other spewing plums of noxious waste into the air and water. The Harvey and Sabrina spectres look out upon Harvey’s empire.

Harvey- What’s all this?

Sabrina- The result of years of Kinkle Inc.’s desecration of the land in the name of corporate profits.

Harvey- Wow!

Sabrina- See that one lone tree over there?

She points out a sorry looking sapling with wilting, blackened leaves, hemmed in on all sides by towers of concrete and steel. No light can penetrate those gloomy depths.

Sabrina- (Cont.) That’s the state park you commissioned.

Harvey- Well if people don’t like all this why don’t they just move to the country?

Sabrina- This is the country! You should see what you’ve done to the city.

Int. The Kinkle residence living room. Trixie has some friends over and the party’s in full swing. People laugh and dance and celebrate. The two spectre’s appear.

Harvey- Let me guess, my birthday party?

Sabrina- No, your funeral. Everyone’s glad you’re dead because you and your boundless ambition have systematically wiped out all that is good and right with the world.

Harvey- Wow!

Sabrina- Something to think about huh?

Int. Harvey’s bedroom. He ends up back where he started still accompanied by the Sabrina spectre.

Sabrina- So, now that you’ve seen your future, how do you feel?

Harvey- Bad. D’ya know what I regret most?

Sabrina- Everything?

Harvey- That state park! What a waste of space.

He gets back in bed leaving the Sabrina spectre gobsmacked and annoyed.

Int. Spellman dining room. Sabrina comes in to find Zelda working hard with the Lab-top.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, I really messed up. I need some sage aunt advice.

Zelda- Sure honey, just let me finish melting my army men.

She turns back to twisting her plastic soldiers in the bunsen-burner flame. Just then the sensible aunt walks in.

Hilda- Sabrina, I just heard on the radio that they’re demolishing your school tomorrow to make way for, and I quote, ‘Industrialist, Harvey Kinkle’s new chemical plant’

Sabrina- Did I mention I might have dumped some Ambition products on Harvey?

Hilda- Mm, things turned out well I see.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, what am I gonna do?

Zelda- Very unsafe private Ryan.

Poor old private Ryan is consigned to the bunsen flame.

Hilda- Let’s take a look at Ambitions ingredients and have a talk with Zsa Zsa.

Hilda heads for the kitchen but Sabrina is a little confused as she follows. She looks back at Zelda and her massacred toy soldiers.

Sabrina- (To Herself) Something’s weird here.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda and Sabrina have confronted Zsa Zsa.

Sabrina- Cousin Zsa Zsa, you sold me Ambition with no perspective.

Hilda- And that’s dangerous. You sold blind ambition.

Zsa Zsa- Perspective is imported, it’s very expensive.

Hilda- Well import some now. I mean it!

Zsa Zsa- Okay! Okay!

She makes with some elaborate gestures and arm waving and a small blue box puffs into being.

Zsa Zsa- (Cont.) There’s your perspective.

Hilda- Put it on Sabrina’s tab.

Sabrina picks up the box and lifts the lid. She gives a little scream of disgust when she sees the eye-ball sitting inside.

Ext. Westbridge High School. It’s the big ground breaking ceremony and Mr. Kinkle is there surrounded by his flunky’s as the students do what students have always done. Wave placards and sing rhyming chants in protest.

Flunky- Should we have the bulldozers role over the protesters sir?

Harvey- Nah, get their names and addresses and remind me to destroy their lives later.

Sabrina gets as close to Harvey as she can.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Okay Harvey, time for a little perspective.

She reaches into the little box and takes out the eye-ball.

Sabrina- (Cont.) (Under her breath) Gross! Gross! Gross! Gross! Gross! Gross!

She throws the eye proving she has a pretty good arm as it hits Harvey on the forehead where it sticks.

Flunky- Sir, are you ready to break ground?

Harvey- Let’s not tear down the school. I like the food and I’ve heard good things about the educational stuff.

The eye-ball shrinks slightly as it’s absorbed into his mind.

Harvey- (Cont.) And I’d like to give all my money to the orphans and old people and old orphans get twice as much.

The eye-ball shrinks again disappearing completely.

Harvey- (Cont.) I’ve gotta get back to working on that engine.

He shoves the golden shovel into the flunky’s hand and walks over to Sabrina.

Harvey- (Cont.) I feel like my old self again. Relaxed, content and broke.

Sabrina- It’s good to have you back Harvey.

He goes off to see about that engine.

Sabrina- (Cont.) (Calling after) But did you have to give it all away?

Int. School hallway. The next day. Harvey and Sabrina walk together.

Harvey- My dad thinks I might have had what is known as a manic-episode.

Sabrina- Oh, I’m so glad your dad figures these things out. Well, here’s my SAT prep class.

Harvey- Mind if I join you?

Sabrina- Really?

Harvey- Yep, I wanna be the brightest, best educated, most widely read mechanic there is.

Sabrina- I love a boy with ambition.

He walks into the classroom past Sabrina and she takes a lung full of air, smelling him. Then she smiles with a little nod of approval and follows.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda is polishing her violin as Zelda sneaks up beside with the air-horn. She lifts it to Hilda’s unsuspecting ear just as the Walk-A-Mile Moccasins vanish from her feet.

Zelda- Your moccasins are off my feet.

She looks at the air-horn in her hand wondering what she’s doing with it.

Hilda- Wow! Well good, now maybe you can buckle-down and get your work done. Stop with the pranks.

The other pair of moccasins vanish.

Hilda- (Cont.) Your’s are gone too. Wow!

Zelda- You know that was a really interesting experiment. I rue losing the grant and yet their was a certain lightness in not feeling so driven. I found...

The air-horn goes off right next to her ear making her stagger sideways.

Hilda- I’M BACK!!

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina enters to find that Salem hasn’t moved.

Salem- Sabrina, could you either remove these bandages or kill me?

She takes pity on him and starts unravelling the bandages. She pulls them faster and faster until Salem is spinning like a top. With a cry he flies off the desk into the wall. Sabrina peers over the desk concerned.

Sabrina- Salem, you’re visible again.

Salem- Yes, but I think I’ve broken every bone in my body. So could you please put the bandages back on. <Sob!>

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. The Spellman’s see their guest out.

Sabrina- Thanks for coming cousin Zsa Zsa. Aside from the fact that you switched aunt Hilda and aunt Zelda’s personalities and almost destroyed my boyfriends soul, made Salem invisible and took us for every penny we’ve got, it’s been a nice visit.

Zsa Zsa- And I’ve got a present for you.

She hands over a beautiful little silver box.

Zsa Zsa- (Cont.) It’s a clue to the family’s secret.

Sabrina opens the box and even though she’s expecting it, still jumps slightly when two fake snakes leap out.

Sabrina- Never gets old.

Zelda- Actually, a snake really is a clue to the family secret.

Run Credits.

Zsa Zsa- Well I’m off. Toodles!

Hilda- Bye-bye.

The closet door closes behind her and Zsa Zsa is gone in a crack of thunder.

Zelda- Well I’m glad we threw-out all those Ambition products. All that was left was a bit of shampoo.

Hilda- Oh-no! I think I used it to clean tape off Salem.

Int. Spellman kitchen. A business suited Salem is on the phone.

Salem- How many times do I have to tell you? Greed is good, greed clarifies, greed strengthens. Now get me Trump on the horn pronto! Yes I’ll hold.