Sabrina And The Pirates

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda comes down stairs yawning in her pyjamas and fluffy slippers.

Hilda- Morning.

Zelda gives a distracted wave as the toaster pings. Hilda grabs the Other Realm mail.

Hilda- (Cont.) Oh, who’d call us at this hour? (Reading) Oh, we have to send out magic in for it’s twenty-five year over-haul.

Salem- Consumer report says ‘be careful where you tune up your magic, you could get ripped-off.

Zelda- Well it’s gonna take me a couple of weeks to clear off my magic to-do list. When do we have to send it in?

Two cylindrical glass containers materialise on the kitchen table.

Hilda- Today.

Zelda- Hilda! Is it possible that you forgot to mention a previous warning?

Hilda backs off round the room with her sister following holding up a very threatening finger.

Hilda- Or three.

Zelda- Three?!

Hilda quickly places her finger on one of the containers and all the considerable power in her body drains from her to glow iridescent within the glass.

Hilda- Zellie, you wouldn’t hurt an un-armed girl would you?

Fortunately for Hilda her sister wouldn’t. Instead she copy’s Hilda’s actions and there, sitting on the table, is enough magical energy to satisfy any megalomaniac intent on ruling the universe twice over. Salem eyes it up intently. But it’s only there for the briefest moment before being whisked back to the Other Realm.

Hilda- So how about that weather? Is it seasonal or what?

Sabrina comes down for breakfast.

Sabrina- Morning.

Zelda- Well Sabrina, thanks to the incompetence of your aunt Hilda, the two of us are going to be without magic for a couple of days.

Sabrina- Wow! That sort of makes me the most powerful woman in the household.

Zelda- In a way.

Sabrina- Let’s see, what would the most powerful woman in the household have for breakfast? I know! Ice-cream.

She points, creating a huge, elaborate mixed flavour confection.

Salem- Long live the teen.

Run opening credits.

Int. Spellman basement. Dark, musty and hanging with cobwebs. Hilda and Zelda rummage among the accumulated brick-a-brack of centuries.

Hilda- Why do we have to look for the family secret board now?

Zelda- Because Sabrina’s at school and I wanna surprise her with it.

Hilda- Oh yeah, I can’t wait to see the look of indifference on her face.

She shifts some old rags from the top of a cardboard box and jumps back in shock with a yell as a pair of yellow eyes stares up at her.

Salem- Didn’t you get the memo? This is my fort.

Hilda- Salem, what are you doing here?

Salem- Looking for something to play with. All my toys have developed an unfortunate patina of spit.

Zelda- Have you seen the family secret board?

Salem- No, but it might help if I knew what it was.

Zelda- It’s a an ancient heirloom. Sabrina will use it to display the clues to the family secret, so she can decipher them and solve it.

Salem- There!

Hilda- D’ya see it?

Salem- No but I believe that’s an old shoe that I haven’t had my way with.

Hilda- Wait, I think I’ve found something.

Tucked away behind some old crates is a solid, iron bound wooden door.

Salem- In the rodent family? Please God.

With the creak of ages the door opens and Hilda slides out a large, guilt-edged green board on castors with oddly positioned letters and numerators such as ‘M+’ and ‘-E’. Zelda helps her pull it out.

Hilda- One priceless antique.

Zelda- Oh wonderful.

But that’s not all that Hilda finds in the locked off room.

Hilda- And three pirates.

They’ve been there a while and are as dusty and strewn with cobwebs as everything else. They sit quietly against the wall with their cutlasses across their laps.

Zelda- Hilda! You were supposed to free these men a hundred years ago.

Hilda- I blame the McKinley administration. (To the pirates) Sorry.

The pirates wave it off and mutter that it’s all right and not to worry.

Zelda- The Witches Council isn’t going to be happy about this. Housing prisoners is a sacred duty, almost as sacred as letting them go.

Blackbeard- Excuse me, can we have some water?

Hook- And maybe some oxygen?

Blackbeard and Nemo- Har. Oh-har.

Zelda- Oh yes, of course.

They usher the pirates out of the dungeon and upstairs completely forgetting about the family secret board now that they have a more serious problem.

Zelda- And maybe a bath.

The board isn’t ignored completely however. Salem has found something to play with. The decorative tasselled cords that hang from it’s corners are ideal for batting about

Salem- (To himself) Oh-oh-ho-ho. Tassels, oh yes, oh-oh-ho-yes. Hey, where’d Hilda and Zelda go? Oh well, tassels...

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Valerie catches up with Sabrina and Harvey.

Valerie- Hey, that new club on Grover is opening tonight and we have to go.

Harvey- Hm, I can’t, I gotta go to the library. I promised my mom I’d research car seats to find the safest kind. Apperantly the ones they used for us were death-traps. See you later.

He ducks into the library and the girls walk on together.

Valerie- We have to go to this club, It’s an over-eighteen club. That means people there are driving, getting ready to go to college and maybe even have part-time jobs.

Sabrina- Valerie, you just described us.

Valerie- Yeah but they’re all over eighteen!

Int. Spellman basement. Hours later.

Salem- Oh don’t you tickle me you little stringy thingy ‘cause I’m the boss and I know...

A dew-claw catches in the tassel and pulls stronger than Salem expected. The board over balances and topples with a smash. Pieces of board lie all over.

Salem- (Cont.) The family secret board! Well, needless to say, O-ho Spaghettio’s

Int. Spellman kitchen.

Hilda- So, what did the Witches Council say?

She places a plate of turkey legs on the table and nearly losses an arm as the starving pirates rip into them hands and teeth. She dives back for the cover of the counter where Zelda is reading the toaster message.

Zelda- (Reading) ‘Since their release is so’. And 'so' is underlined. ‘overdue’. We have to rehabilitate them before the council will restore their magic and return them to polite witch society.

Hilda- Well that shouldn’t be so hard, they seem to respond well to food.

She walks over with another turkey leg and holds it up.

Hilda- (Cont.) Sit!

The pirates sit.

Hilda- (Cont.) (To Zelda) See?

There’s a hiss of steel and she turns back to find three cutlass points inches from her nose. She drops the food and runs back to the counter.

Zelda- You know, I’ve said this a lot in the last few hundred years, but I’m going to say it again.

She catches the gnawed clean leg bone that is thrown at her without missing a breath.

Zelda- (Cont.) This is all your fault!

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. Harvey sits with Sabrina looking through leaflets.

Harvey- I can’t pick a diaper service, it’s too hard.

Sabrina- You said the same thing when your parents asked you to do their taxes.

Valerie hurries in excited.

Valerie- I just heard that the new club has a great band playing tonight.

Sabrina- Listen Valerie, I’m not in the mood, Harvey’s busy, we’re not eighteen...

Valerie- (Interrupting) It’s N'Sync.

Sabrina- And that changes everything.

The girls run off but Harvey doesn’t even notice.

Harvey- (To himself) Tidy Diaper? Doctor dooty? Why couldn’t my parents just get a dog?

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem checks the dictionary.

Salem- (Reading) ‘Heirloom: A family item passed from one generation to the next. Usually irreplaceable’ Shoot! I guess I’ve gotta fix that board... or find a more forgiving dictionary.

Int. Spellman living room. The rehabilitation of the pirates continues apace.

Zelda- Let’s try it again. Walk through the living room like gentlemen.

The three cut-throats stroll through the room then at an un-given signal begin to plunder the room stealing anything that’s not glued down.

Zelda- (Cont.) A big improvement.

Hilda- Yes, much better than last time when you got liquored-up and set the couch on fire.

The pirates slap one another on the back in congratulations as Sabrina comes home.

Sabrina- Hi.

She throws her book bag onto the settee.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I’ve gotta hurry.

She takes off her coat.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I’ve gotta wait in line to see a cool band.

She goes into the kitchen.

Sabrina- (Cont.) (OS) The clubs on Grover, The Mine Shaft. Valerie’ll be there.

She comes out pulling a different coat on.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I’ll be home by curfew

She grabs an apple.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Love you both.

She heads for the door, stops and turns.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Why are there pirates in the living room?

Blackbeard- Hello.

Nemo- Oh Har.

Ext. The Mine Shaft on Grover. The queue stretches down the block on opening night and Sabrina and Valerie are nearing the front of it.

Sabrina- What we’re doing is not bad.

Valerie- No, it’s not close to bad. It’s... not bad.

Sabrina- I mean we’re practically eighteen.

Valerie- It’s just a number and besides we’re not going to smoke or drink.

Sabrina- I’m not even gonna curse.

Valerie- Okay, so if they ask we'll just tell them our friends are inside and they have our ID’s

Sabrina- Say it like we’ve been there a million times.

Valerie- Yeah.

They’ve reached the front of the line at last.

Bouncer- ID’s?

Sabrina- We don’t have any.

Valerie- We’re only seventeen.

They turn and walk away.

Sabrina- Maybey we should have rehearsed a little bit more.

Valerie- Yeah.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem drags a piece of the family secret board up onto Sabrina’s bed with his teeth.

Salem- There! There that’s one. Only about a million more pieces of this heirloom to go. <Sob!> Maybe it’s time to start exploring the options of running away from home. (Sob!)

Ext. The Mine Shaft Club.

Valerie- Well I’m looking forward to cringing every time I think about what just happened.

A boy from school runs up to them from the queue.

Older Kid- Hey Sabrina, Valerie, I saw what happened. Here’s a place where you can get fake ID’s fast.

He hands Valerie a slip of paper and runs back to the line.

Sabrina- Tear it up, we’re not going there.

Valerie- You’re right.

She’s about to do it when they hear.

Bouncer- Let’s hurry it up! N'Sync is starting.

Ext. Dark, seedy, rundown back alley. Sabrina and Valerie step carefully through the filth and garbage to reach the door of the address they were given.

Valerie- This doesn’t seem like a very good neighbourhood.

Sabrina- Oh yeah, the place where I commit my other crimes is usually much more up-scale.

She moves to knock on the door but it opens before she touches it. A dark, seedy, rundown guy stands before them.

Seedy Guy- Yeah?

Sabrina- Um, actually.

Seedy Guy- ID’s?

Sabrina and Valerie- Yeah.

Seedy Guy- Twenty bucks, come on.

He takes the girls money and fans out a selection of ID cards, selects two and hands them to Sabrina. The door shuts in their faces. They look at the ID’s but it’s too dark in the alley.

Valerie- Can you see the picture?

Sabrina- Urban decay doesn’t make for the best light.

Valerie- Now we’re not doing anything wrong.

Sabrina- No, absolutely nothing wrong. I feel very proud that...

They hear a police siren in the distance.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Cops!

They run for it.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. A few more pieces of the board have made it to the bed.

Salem- (To himself) D’you know what’d make this go faster? Hands... and a work ethic.

Int. Spellman dining room. The aunts are training the pirates in another social nicety.

Zelda- You’re at a dinner party.

Pirates- U-hu.

Zelda- And there are ladies present.

Pirates- Oh-har Ladies Ha-ha! Wurr!

Zelda- So you...

Hook- (Interrupting) I know!

He pulls out a chair for Zelda. Nemo does the same for Hilda.

Hilda- Excellent.

They both sit.

Zelda- Now the ladies are seated.

Pirates- M-hm.

Zelda- And then you...?

Pirates- Oh-harr!

They all jumps onto Zelda’s lap and get real friendly.

Zelda- Hilda!

Hilda- What?

She’s spreading her napkin ready for dinner.

Ext. The Mine Shaft Club. Valerie and Sabrina run to the entrance.

Sabrina- We’re minutes away from being deaf!

She hands there new ID’s to the bouncer. He takes one look.

Bouncer- Out!

Valerie- What happened?

Sabrina looks at the ID’s under a street light.

Sabrina- I think I see the problem. I’m not a cross-eyed red-head and you’re not a middle-aged black man.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda continues her attempts to civilise the pirates.

Zelda- Now Hilda’s going to pretend to be a salesman.

Pirates- U-hu.

Hilda puts on a hat and takes a suitcase outside.

Zelda- Let’s review.

Hook- No running.

Blackbeard- Or screaming.

Hook- Right. Right.

Zelda- Good. Good.

Hilda knocks on the door and Nemo opens it. She takes a step inside.

Hilda- Hello there.

With a battle cry Blackbeard runs her through with his cutlass.

Zelda- Okay no! You don’t greet a guest by stabbing them.

Blackbeard- Oops!

Hilda- This bumbling idiot thing, it’s really starting to wear thin.

Sabrina walks in past the impaled Hilda.

Zelda- Sabrina, you’re home early.

Sabrina- Yeah, it hasn’t been a good night.

Hilda- Sorry, mine hasn’t exactly been stella either.

She points to the cutlass hilt sticking out of her belly.

Hilda- (Cont.) Do you mind?

Sabrina- Okay, this once.

She points and the blade slides out of Hilda and Back into Blackbeard’s hand. Sabrina smiles sadly and goes on upstairs.

Hilda- (To Blackbeard) If I start leaking bile mister someone’s getting a time-out.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem been working up a sweat. Or he would have if cats sweated.

Salem- There, finally the last piece. Now all I have to do is put the whole thing back together, or I could tell Hilda and Zelda the truth and take my punishment like a man... Where’s the hot-glue gun? <Sob!>

Sabrina walks in with a groan

Salem- (Cont.) What are you doing home? In your room.

Sabrina- ‘N Sync are playing at The Mine Shaft but I couldn’t get in because I’m not completely old enough.

Salem- You should get a fake ID.

Sabrina- What kind of person do you think I am?

Salem- A person who should be out of the house on a Friday night, especially out of her room. Y’know, the Other Realm has excellent fake ID’s.

Sabrina- Really? The Other Realm?

Ext. A dark, seedy, rundown alley, The Other Realm. Sabrina carefully picks her way through the filth and garbage to reach the door of the address Salem gave her.

Sabrina- What is this, a fake ID franchise?

She reaches to knock on the door but it’s opened before she can by a clean-cut person.

Clean-Cut person- Evening. Fake ID?

Sabrina- Two please, one for me and my friend Valerie. She looks like er...

Clean-Cut person- (Interrupting) It’s no problem.

He hands her two ID’s and she makes sure to take a good look at them this time. Hers is perfect reading.

SPELLMAN
SABRINA
133 COLLINS ROAD
WESTBRIDGE, MA
01979
Date of birth: 04-23-81, expires: 03-17-2000,
Sex: F, Height: 5’04",
class: 0, Number: 520458799

With her picture beside it and her signature beneath.

Sabrina- Huh! These are great! I especially like my evening gown, but do you think my hairs...

There’s a siren getting louder.

Sabrina- (Cont.) ...Cops!

She turns and runs away as an ice-cream man walks by pushing his cart with a flashing red light on it and a siren.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem has all the bits spread out before him like a jigsaw puzzle.

Salem- (To himself) First I’ll get all the edge pieces together. Let’s see.

But his paw gets caught up in something hanging from a cushion on the bed.

Salem- (Cont.) Huh! A tassel? Don’t toy with me you saucy minx.

And he’s away batting the tassel. The board is completely forgotten.

Ext. The Mine Shaft Club. Valerie and Sabrina are back and hurry to the entrance.

Valerie- I can’t believe how good these are, where’d ya get ‘em?

Sabrina- Oh the same place. I just complained to the manager and he made everything right.

Valerie- I never think to do things like that.

Bouncer- ID’s?

They hand them over.

Valerie- They’re not fake... if that’s what you’re thinking. Not-not that you will be think...

Sabrina clamps her hand over her friends run-away mouth.

Sabrina- Oh she’s just very excited. You know what with being able to vote and everything.

Bouncer- Go in.

Sabrina- Whoo-hoo!

Valerie- (Checking her ID) Hey! I’m an organ donor.

Int. The Mine Shaft Club. N'Sync are well into their set singing ‘Tearing up my heart’ and the girls join the dancing, clapping crowd of happy clubers.

Valerie- Tell me this club was the best idea I’ve ever had.

Sabrina- God bless fake ID’s!

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem drags the duvet over the board.

Salem- Phew! It took all evening but I put the board together.

A happy Sabrina comes in and puts her excellent new fake ID on the dresser.

Sabrina- Man, eighteen year-olds have fun.

She flops down on to the bed and there’s a crash and tinkle.

Salem- Ngh!

Sabrina- What was that?

Salem- C-C-Candy wrappers.

She takes off her top.

Sabrina- I’m beat, I’m going to put this away the magical way.

She points at the top and then at the wardrobe and the garment is transferred and neatly hung in a swirl of sparkles.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Excellent.

Then the top appears back on her bed where she dropped it.

Sabrina- Hey!

Salem- Huh?

The picture of herself on the ID turns to her.

ID- Sorry sweetie, but now that you have an Other Realm fake ID your magic is also fake.

Sabrina- My magic is fake?! Why can’t they just outlaw all the illegal stuff? Okay I’m not going to panic. Maybe it’s just certain types of magic that are fake. I’ll just put myself over there by the window.

A bit of molecular transference accompanied by a swirl of sparkles later and she’s over by the window.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Good.

And then she’s back where she started.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, now I’m queasy.

Salem- Try seeing that with cat-food in your stomach.

ID- Your magic is now just an illusion. It may look real but when you examine it closer, you see it’s really fake.

Sabrina- I gotta get rid of this thing.

She walks over to her desk and throws it in the waste-bin. It jumps right back out again. She tries to tear it up.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Stupid lamination!

So instead she skims it out of the window. but when she turns round it lying on the bed beside Salem.

Salem- Maybe you’re aunts can help.

Sabrina- A good idea, they always get a kick out of Sabrina-defying-authority stories.

Salem- If told with puppets.

Sabrina- I just have to avoid them until I can figure this all out.

Zelda- (OS) Sabrina! Hurry!

Int. Spellman living room. Nemo is slapping himself on the forehead as Sabrina comes in and notices the cutlass blade protruding from Hilda’s back.

Nemo- I’m stupid! I...

Hilda- (Interrupting) I just asked what do you do when a lady comes in the room? He got it wrong.

Zelda- Could you help please?

Sabrina- Er sure.

She points and the cutlass disappears much to Hilda’s relieve be it ever so short lived. The blade is back in seconds.

Zelda- Odd?

Sabrina- Oh er I think my fingers tired. Erm have you tried this?

She grabs hold of the hilt and pulls it out making Hilda wince.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Gotta go.

She goes to hand the cutlass back to Nemo but Hilda snatches it.

Hilda- I’ll just keep this for a while Mister.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. She has her head buried in her magic book.

Sabrina- A-ha! It says here that (Reading) ‘If more than one ID was procured; all most be returned.’ That’s the answer!

She checks her watch.

Sabrina- (Cont.) One a.m, too late to visit Valerie?

Salem- Not if you don’t mind an arrest report on your permanent record.

Sabrina- You’re right, I’ll just get it from her first thing tomorrow.

She sits down on her bed to take off her shoes and there’s a clinking noise. She throws back the duvet to see the pieces of the board.

Sabrina- (Cont.) What are these hard pieces in my bed?

Salem- The broken shards of my future.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda inspects the pirates hands after they’ve washed them.

Zelda- (To Hook) Very nice.

Hook- Ha-ha-harr.

He goes and sits at the table.

Zelda- (To Blackbeard) Fine.

Blackbeard- I’m fine. Ha!

He joins Hook.

Zelda- (To Nemo) Have you been gutting fish again?

Nemo- Well just one.

Sabrina whizzes down stairs and grabs her coat.

Sabrina- I’ve gotta go. Early... bible study.

She almost makes the door but.

Hilda- Could you zap in some breakfast before you go?

Sabrina- No time! First prayers always the best!

She outa there.

Hilda- Okay, well I guess it’s Tang again.

Nemo- Oh heck no.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina hunts down Valerie but is in turn hunted down by Harvey.

Harvey- Hey Sabrina, my mom liked the changing table I picked out.

Sabrina- Oh terrific.

Harvey- It’s brown. Do you wanna see a picture?

Sabrina- Sure.

He holds it up but Sabrina just pushes it and him away having spotted her prey.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh Valerie! I need to get that ID back from you.

Valerie- My mom has it.

Sabrina- Why’d you give it to her?

Valerie- She found it, but luckily she was lenient. I’m just not allowed to have any fun ever again.

She turns and walks off.

Sabrina- (Calling after) So would it be a problem to steal it back from her?

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda follows her bad tempered sister in from the living room.

Zelda- I know I’ve said it before but the pirates being here is all your fault!

Hilda- Oh pipe down and help me find the cattle-prod.

Zelda spots Salem pigging out on the counter-top.

Zelda- What is this?

Salem- Toast!

She takes a piece of paper from the corner of his mouth.

Salem- (Cont.) Oh yeah, you got a message from the Other Realm. It got stuck in my sour-dome.

Hilda- Do you remember what it said?

Salem- Your magic is ready to be picked up, give or take a butter stain or two.

Zelda- Finally.

Hilda- Yes! Now when those barbarians go to kiss us we can remove their lips. Let's go

Zelda- Wait-Wait-Wait. We can’t just leave the pirates here alone.

Hilda- They’re sleeping.

Zelda- Yes, but for how long? You don’t know how hard you hit them with that vase,

Sabrina- (OS) I’m home!

Hilda and Zelda- (Together) Sabrina!

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina’s barely got her coat off when her aunts are on her.

Zelda- Dear, would you mind keeping an eye on the pirates while we run to the Other Realm?

Sabrina- But...

Hilda- (Interrupting) Don’t worry you can handle them. You’ve got magic.

Sabrina- But!...

Zelda- (Interrupting) Right now they’re sleeping in the dining room.

Hilda- Don’t ask.

The aunts run upstairs to the linen closet.

Sabrina- (To herself) Okay, I can handle this. No problem, I’ll just tip-toe so they don’t wake up.

As she creeps towards the kitchen the phone rings. She quickly dashes over to answer before it wakes the pirates.

Sabrina- Hello?

Valerie- Sabrina, my parents are freaking out. The ID is talking!

Sabrina- What?! Oh that’s just a security devise. Oh, I’m the only one who knows how to turn it off.

Valerie- I’ll bring it right over.

Sabrina- Good... No! Pirates!

Valerie- Pirates?

Sabrina- I didn’t say pirates, I said by-gum. By-gum don’t come here. We’ll meet halfway... at school.

She puts down the phone and looks at the closed dining room doors.

Sabrina- (To herself) What if they wake up?

Int. Spellman kitchen. Later. Sabrina finishes piling all the kitchen furniture against the dining room door.

Sabrina- (To herself) There, that should hold them.

Int. Spellman living room. Later. She finished nailing the sliding doors shut.

Sabrina- (To Herself) There, one crisis averted, one to go.

She grabs her coat and leaves. The second the door closes a cutlass chops through the wood holding the sliding doors shut and the pirates are loose. They spring forth with cutlasses ready.

Pirates- A-har!

And as soon as they realise they’re alone it’s pillage and plunder time.

Int. Other Realm Magic Maintenance Department. Zelda and Hilda come out of the office.

Zelda- So our magic is being delivered to our house.

Hilda- And, as usual, Salem got it wrong and, as usual, the magic maintenance department was rude about it.

Zelda- At least Sabrina’s keeping an eye on the pirates.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. It’s being well and truly pillaged as the pirates trash the room. Salem hides behind the glued together family secret board.

Salem- (To himself) I hope that was just fiction about pirates eating cat!

They smash up Sabrina’s room.

Salem- (Cont.) Not the board! Anything but the board! D'uh! Or the cat!

There’s a bing-bong from the linen closet and the pirates charge to board it. Hook shushes the others before opening the door. The delivery guy hands over two glass files of undiluted, suped-up magic and goes back to the Other Realm with a rumble of thunder.

Hook- We got magic!

The first thing they do with it is hurl some at Salem’s fixed family secret board smashing it into pieces again.

Blackbeard- I love magic

Salem- <Sob! Sob! Sob!>

Ext. Westbridge High School. Valerie’s been waiting for a while when Sabrina runs up.

Sabrina- I’m so sorry, I-I never should have gotten the talking ID’s.

Valerie- I saw the lips move.

Sabrina- Oh hologram! You know criminals, they’re always a step ahead.

Valerie- Yeah, but it was yelling at me.

Sabrina- Oh. Oy! I think I see your parents. Aren’t you grounded?

Valerie- I’ll crawl back through the sewers.

Sabrina- Okay.

Valerie sneaks off keeping low. Now it’s incantation time.

Sabrina- Two of two ID’s do I wield. Take them back so my magic will be real.

She tosses them in the air and they vanish.

Sabrina- (To Herself) Yes! Pirates!

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina comes in through the back door and sees the pile of furniture still in place.

Sabrina- (To herself) Oh thank heavens their still here.

Hilda and Zelda- Mmm! Mm-mmmn! Mmmm! Mmmmm!

She looks round and finds her aunts tied back to back in chairs and gagged. She dashes over and rips the tape from their mouths. And immediately regrets it.

Hilda- What do the words ‘Stay home and watch the pirates.’ mean to you?!

Sabrina- Sorry! I’ll free you.

She points but no knots are undone.

Zelda- You can’t. We’re magically tied.

Sabrina- How? The pirates don’t...

Hilda- (Interrupting) The pirates got our magic. Don’t ask.

There’s canon fire from the living room.

Zelda- Please, do something to stop them.

Sabrina- Sure, you should just know that I only left to help someone in trouble. (Under her breath) Me.

Int. Spellman living room. The pirates have made themselves at home. Half the room is now a life-sized replica of a pirate ship. Blackbeard slaps some magic at the canon and the dining room takes another broadside. Sabrina peeps round the corner but ducks back as the canon fires again.

Sabrina- Thank goodness I have magic.

She points at herself and vanishes in a swirl of sparkles.

Hook- Which witch should we kill first?

But they recon without Peter Pan who comes flying out of the dining room looking very blonde in his green outfit with hands on hips in high pantomime style.

Blackbeard- It’s Peter Pan!

Sabrina- You’re all codfish... es.

Hook- We’re doomed.

But Peter falls to the floor behind the settee and a stunned Sabrina stands up in his place and looks up.

Sabrina- (To herself) A wire? I was flying by wire? It was an illusion?

Three very sharp cutlass blades clash inches from her nose.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Gotta go!

She makes a run for it.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Once again Salem is putting the finishing touches to the jigsaw puzzle that is the family secret board.

Salem- Ah, I’ll never bat a tassel again.

Sabrina runs in and leans back against the door.

Sabrina- I sent back both ID’s, why is my magic still fake?

Salem- They said you had to return all ID’s; they didn’t say that would fix things.

Sabrina- You know I’m getting a little tired of these technicalities.

Zelda- (OS) Sabrina!

Sabrina- And that! Please let this be good news.

Int. Spellman living room. Two witches are being made to walk the plank as Sabrina comes down stairs. As it’s only three feet to the floor it doesn’t seem too bad.

Sabrina- Oh. Could be worse.

Zelda- Sabrina there are sharks!

She looks down and the patch of floor beneath the pirate ship is a shark infested tank. Waves slap against it’s side splashing the bound witches.

Hilda- Help!

Sabrina- Okay, this may not be the best time to tell you this, but erm I got a fake ID from the Other Realm and now my magic is no longer real.

Nemo gives Hilda a little prod with the point of his cutlass and she falls from the plank with a scream.

Zelda- Just point!

She does instinctively and the floor returns. Hilda may not be eaten alive but she’ll have a very bruised butt.

Hilda- You couldn’t have replaced it with pillows?

Sabrina- Get up fast! The tanks are gonna come back, it’s just an illusion!

Zelda- You’re fine now. Get our magic back!

But does she have time! Blackbeard and Hook lunge at her with swords drawn and Sabrina barely has time to conjure her own to parry both blades. She fends them off valiantly as her buckle is well and truly swashed. In classic Douglas Fairbanks style she leaps onto the settee as Zelda uses her bound double fists to belt Nemo in the chin.

Sabrina- Why did my magic come back!

She locks swords with Blackbeard and struggles against his greater strength but then she does have her own magic to help.

Zelda- To get rid of fake magic caused by a fake ID, you have to confess to the adults in charge and accept their punishment. Get my magic!

Sabrina heaves with all her magical strength sending Blackbeard tumbling backwards but no sooner is he gone than Nemo is swinging at her back. She spins blocking the killer blow with her cutlass and kicks out with her foot sending him crashing into the piano. Meanwhile Salem is attempting to sneak the fixed family secret board back down to the basement. He carefully edges it down the stairs and stops for a breather.

Salem- Phew! All I- all I have to do is get the board down into the basement and no-one will ever kno... What the!

He see Sabrina once again hard pressed, fending off two of the cut-throat pirates. She spins with a scything blow sending her opponents tumbling once more.

Sabrina- What’s my punishment!

Hilda- We’ll let you know... pending our survival. LOOK OUT!

Nemo leaps from the dining room table and Sabrina turns on guard. He’s not wasted the hundred years he’s been locked in the Spellman basement. He’s used it to hone his sword skills. His blade is a blur of razor sharp steel as he cuts mesmerising patterns through the air. He closes inch by inch on our brave heroine. She gets bored with him and points enclosing him in a small iron cage. Hook runs to the piano and grabs up Zelda’s magic.

Hook- Ha-har!

Sabrina spins as he swings his sword at her head and blocks the blow forcing him to turn with the sword in one hand and the magic container in the other. Unknowingly this brings the magic within reach of the still tied Zelda on the plank. She snatches it from him.

Zelda- Thank you!

The top comes off and her magic is instantly restored, the magical bonds fall from her wrists and now the odds have changed. Which is fortunate for Sabrina as Hook gains a lethal upper hand but is frozen at the top of his killing stroke. Blackbeard sees his chance and leaps over the settee to get to the other glass container of limitless power.

Hilda- Look out! He’s going for my magic!

He reaches the ship and his hand closes on the glass cylinder but Sabrina lashes out hard with her foot catching the hand. The container sails through the air, Hilda runs and dives headlong with her tied hands open to catch her magic. It passes her stretching finger-tips by millimetres on it’s trajectory towards the stairs where it hits a newly restored secrets board shattering it into a million pieces.

Salem- <Sob! Sob! Sob!>

Zelda- (To Blackbeard) Freeze!

And with a little magical help he does and the battle of the living room is over.

Zelda- (To Sabrina) You fought a good fight.

Sabrina- (Breatless) Thanks. Man, it was tough, like a real test. Y’know almost like a punishment I’d say.

Hilda- And yet, it wasn’t.

Zelda- No, we had something else in mind.

Hilda- Taking down the boat.

Zelda- By hand.

Sabrina- <Sob! Sob! Sob!>

Later. The living rooms almost clear of boat. Sabrina tosses and load of timber into the pile.

Sabrina- Aw! I got another splinter! Why couldn’t the pirates have conjured a sanded boat?

Salem- However you decide to handle that wound, do not, I repeat, do not chew your hand off. I have a cat friend who learned that the hard way.

The aunts enter.

Zelda- Oh this seems to be coming along well.

Sabrina- I got a splinter.

Hilda- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Tell it to child services.

Zelda- What about Valerie?

Sabrina- I told her parents I got the ID’s. Expect a phone call from them berating you.

Hilda- Well this whole pirate ordeal started because we were looking for the board you need to decode the family secret.

Sabrina- I see, so the punishment continues?

Hilda magic’s up the board but it’s just a mass of sticky tape.

Hilda- Salem!

Salem- I tried so hard! I’m not a puzzle person!

Sabrina- It’s okay, it’s the effort that counts. Were you drunk?

Zelda- We’ll just have to use the other board.

Salem- The-There’s another board?!!!

He keels over backwards off the settee.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. The other board is set up in her room.

Sabrina- Okay, here are the clues to the family secret.

She points and they leap from her bed onto the board in their specific places. The fire goes after the ‘M+’, The Spellman goes after the ‘the’, The picture of General Lee goes behind a ‘+’ followed by a snake, the horn behind a ‘B+’ and the whip settles in front of a ‘A’.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Which relative gave me a picture of fire?

Salem- One of the pirates.

Sabrina- I’m related to them?

Salem- It involves a third cousin and a crazy night in Kingstown, Jamaica.

Sabrina- You know, with all the clues nicely displayed like that.. I still can’t begin to figure out the family’s secret.

Salem- D’ya think it has something to do with manure?

Sabrina- Where’d ya get that?

Salem- I just like saying ‘manure’

The bedroom door bursts open, the three pirates burst into the room armed to the teeth and leap onto Sabrina’s bed. but Zelda has them just about under control.

Run credits.

Zelda- Boys!

Sabrina- I’ve got an idea.

She points at the pirates and they change into N'Sync

Sabrina- (Cont.) Enjoy the show, no ID required.

The boys sing ‘You’re love is like a river’ While Sabrina and her aunts dance with them.