Mrs. Kraft

Ext. Spellman front porch. Harvey escorts Sabrina to her front door after their date.

Sabrina- With all due respect, brain-freeze is something you bring on yourself.

Harvey- I guess I went a little hay-wire when we bet on who could drink a Polar-Freeze the fastest.

He holds his temple wincing.

Sabrina- Well if it’s any consolation at this difficult time. You lost! So according to our deal you owe me one giant surprise gift.

He leans down to kiss her goodnight as the front door opens. It’s not an aunt, it’s Mr. Kraft. They straighten up quickly.

Mr. Kraft- Kinkle! Spellman!

Sabrina gives a little shriek of fright and instinctively uses her finger. The door slams shut.

Harvey- Is Mr. Kraft still dating your aunt Zelda?

Sabrina- No. See? I’m in denial about it. You’d better go.

He’s not quick enough as the door opens again. This time Zelda has joined Mr. Kraft.

Zelda- Hey kids, we were just getting ready to watch a video. Why don’t you join us?

Mr. Kraft- That is if you think you can handle the bitter-sweet anarchy of ‘Billy Jack goes to Washington’?

Harvey- Cool.

It sounds like Harvey might accept the offer until Sabrina casually placer her hand on her shoulder with her finger extended. Harvey cringes as another attack of pain lances his temples.

Sabrina- Oh! Brain-freeze, I’d better get him home.

She leads Harvey away.

Run opening credits.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina sits at the table feeling a pair of eyes boring into the back of her head.

Sabrina- Salem, quit staring at me.

Salem- Sorry, I just can’t stop reliving the disgusting spectacle I witnessed at that table last night.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda told her ‘I could have been a great dancer’ story?

Hilda comes down stairs.

Salem- Worse. Right where you’re sitting Zelda was making goo-goo eyes with the Casanova of the hall-pass, Willard Kraft.

Sabrina leaps from the seat and wipes her hands on her skirt.

Sabrina- Oh gross! Gross! Gross! Gross! Gross!

Hilda- Think happy thoughts like bunnies and flowers.

Sabrina- I’m really glad aunt Zelda has found a boyfriend but couldn’t it have been a mammal?

Hilda- Personally, I’m over it. Oh sure, I had issues with my sister dating a man who’s still hopelessly in love with me but then I just decided to let it go. I suggest you do the same.

Sabrina- You’re right, it’s not like he’s moving in.

They both laugh until they hear a knock at the back door and see a smiling Mr. Kraft with a breakfast tray. Then they both scream. He takes that as ‘Hi, come on in.’ and enters.

Mr. Kraft- Good morning ladies. (Calling out) Where’s my Zoo-Zoo?

Zelda- (OS) Is that my Monkey?

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Ugh! Friends don’t let friends talk baby-talk.

Zelda comes down the stairs smiling radiantly

Mr. Kraft- There she is. Ready for your breakfast Gorditta?

Zelda- Oh. Oh it looks moi Buano.

Mr. Kraft- I’ll tell ya what moi’s my Buena. It’s when you wear your hair up like that.

Zelda- Oh.

They lean close and kiss making sloppy sounds. Hilda looks away, Sabrina squeezes her eyes shut and takes a meditate pose.

Sabrina- (To herself) I will live through this. I will live through this. (Aside to Hilda) It’s not working.

Zelda- Oh Sabrina, I almost forgot. I can’t drive you to school this morning but luckily, Willard said he’d be delighted to take you.

Mr. Kraft smiles at Sabrina and gives her the thumbs-up sign. Sabrina smiles back through clenched teeth.

Sabrina- Super.

The grip of pure horror she has on the counter edge proves too much and a chunk breaks away in her hands.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Valerie and Harvey walk together.

Harvey- Sabrina didn’t get brain-freeze because she allows the slush to sit in her mouth and reach body temperature before exposing it to her soft pallet.

Valerie- You spend entirely too much time at frozenslushy.com. So what surprise are you going to get her?

Harvey- I though the biggest surprise might be no surprise.

Valerie- So what you’re saying is you need my help?

Harvey nods as they pass the entrance. Through the window we see two figures running the gauntlet and they burst into the hallway escaped a fusillade of rotten vegetables and other noxious substances. They are both liberally splattered but Mr. Kraft is prepared in a yellow rain-slicker and souwester. Poor Sabrina’s coat is on the fast track to the dry-cleaners.

Mr. Kraft- I warned you to roll-up your windows when we hit school property.

Sabrina- But you didn’t say it was because students pelt you with garbage!

Mr. Kraft- I thought that was implied. Now if you’ll excuse me, these hallway’s are crying out for the iron-fist of order.

He takes off the slicker and sets about ruining everyone’s day. Sabrina stands screwing her finger down her ear.

Sabrina- (To herself) Ugh! I have milk in my ear!

Int. Spellman living room. Salem browses through his favourite meat catalogue.

Salem- (Reading) ‘Nebraska Steaks proudly offers a belt bustin’ round up of flanks and franks. Sure to satisfy even your most obese relatives.' Umgawa,

Sabrina and Hilda enter.

Sabrina- Salem!

Salem- Huh!

Sabrina- Did we see you playing with a dog?

Salem- Er absolutely not. Hate ‘em.

Hilda- A-ha! There’s a trail of slobber on your back.

Salem- It’s hair product? All right, he answers to Silky, his owners a butcher and I’m letting him bat me around to get meat.

Sabrina- It’s time you looked into a little thing that we call dignity.

Hilda- And get rid of that steak catalogue, we know you don’t read the articles.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Sabrina enter to find Zelda laughing on the phone.

Zelda- Stop... No... No Willard, I’m sure Hilda and Sabrina won’t mind... Bye Monkey.

She hangs up the phone not realising that Hilda and Sabrina are there.

Hilda- Won’t mind what?

Zelda- Willard’s grandmother is doing a massive renovation on her house, so Willard needs a place to stay. I told him he could use the apartment over the garage.

Sabrina- But we don’t have an apartment over our garage.

Zelda raises her finger and there’s a crash.

Zelda- We do now.

She flounces off into the dining room.

Sabrina- (Calling after) By the way, I mind! A lot! In fact I’ve never minded anything so much in my life! (To Hilda) Don’t you mind?

Hilda- Nope! I center on my chi and I am free from care.

She sits in a calm meditative pose.

Sabrina- Well I’m not! I’ll go mad I tell you! Mad!

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Harvey catches Valerie.

Harvey- Hey!

Valerie- Hey! Any ideas?

Harvey- D’ya think Sabrina would like some car-mats?

Valerie- That’s not the greatest gift idea when you don’t have a car. You know what? It’s not the greatest gift idea when you do have a car. Hey! How about a photo-portrait of the two of you?

Harvey- But I already bought the car-mats.

Sabrina arrives.

Sabrina- Hey guys! What’s up?

Valerie- Nothing, nothing at all.

Sabrina- Oh good. (To Harvey) Valerie’s helping you pick out my gift.

Mr. Kraft- (Over the PA) Attention students, this is your vice-principle. A recruiter from Burger World University will be meeting today with any interested fifth-year seniors... And on a personal note to Sabrina Spellman. Your aunt wants us to bring home bread and toilet-paper.

Sabrina blushes with embarrassment.

Harvey- Sabrina, is Mr. Kraft living in your house?

Sabrina- No! He’s living over the garage which is further from the house than most restraining orders. I’ll probably never see him.

‘Crush’ By Jennifer Paige Plays over the following.

Int. Spellman Living room. Sabrina stares in rapt horror chewing her thumb nail as Mr. Kraft sits opposite in the Armchair picking his toes and clipping the nails. The nail flies off and Sabrina ducks cringing behind her arms as it heads her way.

Int. Spellman kitchen. It’s creamed potatoes and Sabrina is enjoying them until Mr. Kraft reaches over with a fork full and swishes it in her gravy. He smiles at her putting her even further off her food. Hilda assumes a calm meditative pose.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Two yellow figures dive into the hallway spattered in garbage. They take their souwesters off to reveal Sabrina and Mr. Kraft. Mr. Kraft takes it in his stride. Sabrina is disgusted.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina comes home to find aunt Zelda and Mr. Kraft playing ‘Twister’ on the living room floor. She takes a sharp pencil from her bag and fights the strong urge to gouge out her own eyes with it to save her sanity.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda and Mr. Kraft wear matching red and black cowboy shirts and kerchiefs. They hold hands and kiss. Sabrina comes in and catches them and heaves dashing to the sink to puke.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina enters and the music fades.

Sabrina- Salem. I have a few questions about carbon monoxide, garage apartments and making something look like an accident.

Salem- Wroof!

Sabrina- I beg your pardon?

Salem- I said what a pity, now roll over.

Sabrina picks up the CD case beside him.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘Burlits’ How to speak dog’?

Salem- I’m improving myself.

He presses the play button.

CD- Which way to the Bibly-o-teca? Rwoof?

Sabrina- Shame on you Salem. Silky thinks you’re his friend and you’re just using him for your own pleasure.

Salem- I thought that was the point of dogs? Besides, I am helping him, he’ll never manage his owner until he learns how to beg. If the result is beef-steak for the cat, so be it.

Sabrina- Maybe you could train him to chase Mr. Kraft out of the neighbourhood.

Salem- Rrrrrrwoof?

Sabrina- Stop asking me where the library is, I’m in crisis here!

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda sits playing solitaire at the table as Sabrina comes in wearing Marigold rubber gloves and shows Hilda what is held in her carefully protected fingers.

Sabrina- I can’t take it anymore! Our house has become the Smithsonian of his toe-nail clippings. Ugh! Isn’t he driving you crazy?

Hilda- (Calm) I have made a personal choice not to be effected by Willard Kraft.

Sabrina- He used your tooth brush.

Hilda- (Not so calm) Deep cleansing breath.

Mr. Kraft and Zelda enter having spent a lovely morning bringing in the washing from the line. They are singing.

Zelda and Mr. Kraft- (Singing) Love lifts us up where we belong.
Where the eagle’s fly on a mountain high.

Mr. Kraft- Zelda, you complete me.

Zelda- Oh, you know what? I’m going to get my copy of ‘The Love letters’ and we can read them to each other.

Mr. Kraft- Oh yes.

Zelda- Oh.

She goes off to the dining room as giddy as a schoolgirl.

Mr. Kraft- (To Hilda and Sabrina) That is one special lady. (To Sabrina) You know, you might wanna start thinking about calling me uncle Willard.

He follows after Zelda.

Sabrina- (To Hilda) Well they’re always looking for nuns right?

Hilda- Just breath and let it go Sabrina.

He sticks his head back into the room.

Mr. Kraft- Oh you can call me uncle Willard too, Hilda.

He goes and Hilda finally cracks.

Hilda- He must be destroyed!!

Int. Spellman living room. Salem is playing with his new best friend Silky.

Salem- Rwof-woof.Woof-woof-woof-rrwoof-ruff?

Translation- Your owner is ready to dole out the treats. What do you do?

Silky- woof... Rwoof-wof-rwoof?

Translation- Um... Chew my foot?

Salem- Rwoof! Woof-woof-woof-rwoof...

Translation- Wrong! We lie on the...

Salem- Shoot! What’s the word for floor. Oh yeah. er woof!

Translation- floor!

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina and Hilda come in rationalising.

Sabrina- So we’d just be getting Mr. Kraft out of here for aunt Zelda’s own good.

Hilda- Absolutely, someday she’ll thank us. Should we poison him?

Sabrina- Don’t you think that’s a little harsh?

Hilda- Love lifts them up where they belong?

Sabrina- I knew he was bothering you!

Later. Hilda thumbs through the magic book.

Hilda- We’ve gotta find some dirt on Kraft that’ll make Zelda break up with him. Oh! Perfect. (Reading) ‘Real life story.’

Sabrina- (Reading the spell) ‘We need some dirt and we need it fast, so give us the scoop on Willard Kraft.’

The picture of a TV on the page comes to life.

Host- Welcome to Real life story’s mediocrity week. Tonight we explore the strange journey of Willard Kraft.

A picture of a very surprised Mr. Kraft pans into view.

Host- (Cont.) Elementary school class-mates describe him as a loner, an outsider and Dooty-breath.

The picture changes to a very young Mr. Kraft with a toothy smile and bow-tie.

Sabrina- Let’s fast forward through puberty. My hunch is, it’s ugly.

She points at the book.

Hilda- Well I know he had a messy divorce. Oh! Hit play.

Sabrina points again and the programme continues at normal speed.

Host- Her name was Lucy, the only woman who could give Willard the courage to dream again.

It shows footage of a hippie Mr. Kraft and a long haired blonde girl in a caftan dancing through the trees.

Host- (Cont.) Love transformed the normal vexatious loner into a frolicking free spirit, whimsy was his co-pilot.

The footage changes showing Mr. Kraft and Lucy walking hand in hand down the street. Mr. Kraft only has eyes for his love which explains why he walked smack into a lamp post.

Host- (Cont.) He, Willard Kraft, was in love with love. They were married in a small, private ceremony presided over by her massage therapist.

The footage shows Mr. Kraft serenading her on his ukulale as she pops marshmallows in his mouth to shut him up.

Sabrina- They were so in love.

Hilda- I can’t just sit here and let Zelda get hurt by a man who still loves two other women.

Sabrina- Two?

She gets a glare from Hilda.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh, right.

Hilda- We’ve gotta bring her back.

Sabrina- It’s gonna be so hard on aunt Zelda. I don’t think I can do that to her.

Mr. Kraft- (OS) Has anyone seen my anti-fungal foot ointment?

Sabrina- Mr. Kraft with a past so juicy, return to us his ex-wife Lucy.

She points and platinum blond woman appears in a swirl of sparkles. She looks around herself.

Lucy- Ah! It’s good to be back in the mortal realm.

Sabrina- Mortal realm? Wait a minute! You’re a witch?! Mr. Kraft married a witch?

Lucy- Well of course he didn’t know I was a witch. I thought it would be... less confusing that way.

She points at Sabrina’s desk and in a small burst of flame a Lip-stick appears.

Lucy- (Cont.) Oh! I have my magic again. Oh I adore the mortal realm, it’s such a refreshing change from where I live.

She stands before Sabrina’s mirror and applies some lip-stick.

Lucy- (Cont.) The Republic of Infinite Horror.

Sabrina- It sounds exotic.

Lucy- It’s near lake Male Superior.

Hilda- It’s an awful part of the Other Realm where women are forbidden to use magic.

Sabrina- Who came up with that brain-storm?

Hilda and Lucy- (Together) The men.

Sabrina- Then why not just move to the mortal realm?

Lucy- My republic forbids a woman to emigrate without a husband and that’s why I married Willard.

Sabrina- And because you loved him.

Lucy gives Sabrina a strange ‘Aren’t you the joker’ look.

Lucy- Okay, and I would do anything to get him back. Oh dear, here come the water-works.

She takes one of Sabrina’s tissues and dabs at remarkably dry eyes.

Sabrina- So, why did you two split-up?

Lucy- Why does any relationship go bad? Maybe I shouldn’t have turned him into a beast of burden, or made-out with his best friend Dexter. The bottom line is Willard divorced me and without him I was deported back to the IH.

Hilda- (To Sabrina) Infinite Horror.

Sabrina- Right. Well, if it helps at all, I think he’s right down stairs.

Lucy- Really? I-I haven’t seen him since the day I... left the fence unlatched and he got out.

She goes off down stairs.

Sabrina- (To Hilda) She seems nice.

Hilda nods and they follow her down.

Int. Spellman living room. Mr. Kraft is rinsing out his ear-wax into a bowl as the three witches come down the stairs.

Mr. Kraft- (To himself) Oh, whoo-hoo. Boy, I shouldn’t wait a week to irrigate my ears.

Sabrina- Mr. Kraft, we have a surprise for you.

He turns round in his chair.

Lucy- Willard darling.

Mr. Kraft- No! No! N-N-N-No! N-N-N-N-N-No! This is a bad dream!

He backs away as Lucy comes forward then he turns and runs out of the house with a scream of pure terror.

Lucy- I’m so glad he’s still alive.

She follows after.

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. Valerie and Harvey do lunch.

Harvey- Hey Valerie, I made an appointment at a portrait studio and I’ve the perfect way to get Sabrina there and keep it a surprise. I’ll tell her a war has broken out and I have to take her to a secret bomb-shelter.

Valerie- Or you could just blindfold her and tell her it’s a surprise.

Harvey- Okay, so much for the sound-effect tapes I’ve been making.

Int. Spellman kitchen. All the Spellman family is present when Mr. Kraft pops his head round the door.

Mr. Kraft- Hello.

Zelda- Ah there you are stranger, I was beginning to worry about you.

Mr. Kraft- Well actually I just came by to borrow some coriander. I’m making diner for Lucy.

There’s a strange twitch as he speaks the name.

Mr. Kraft- Lucy’s a nice lady.

He twitches again and Hilda and Sabrina look at one another knowingly.

Zelda- Lucy? As in your ex-wife Lucy?

Mr. Kraft- Yes, apperantly she left a hole in my life and I’ve... You look nice Zelda.

Lucy- (OS) Willy-poo!

He twitches.

Mr. Kraft- Coming!

Sabrina- (Aside to Hilda) Say good-bye to uncle Willard.

Lucy enters holding a steaming mug.

Lucy- I go to the trouble of brewing you a cup of my special herb tea and you disappear. (To Zelda) Is it just me or are men getting less obedient than they used to be?

Zelda- You must be Lucy. I’m Zelda. It’s so nice to meet you.

She extends her hand and Lucy gives it the slightest of shakes.

Mr. Kraft- (To Zelda) I really miss you.

Lucy- Drink your tea dear.

Mr. Kraft- Oh!

He drinks and twitches stronger than previously.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Lucy has pretty eyes and thanks to her, no more run-away mucus.

He taps his nose.

Hilda- (Aside to Sabrina) No more tissues in the sofa cushion. I can’t wait!

Lucy- Well if you’ll excuse us I think a certain Willy-poo...

He twitches as she speaks the name.

Lucy- (Cont.) ...has a dinner to make.

Mr. Kraft- Right, a dinner. <Twitch>

They leave with Zelda looking on sadly. She puts on a brave face.

Zelda- They seem civil after all these years. I think I’ll er take a little walk.

She removes her apron and leaves for somewhere she can have a good cry.

Hilda- It’s working.

Sabrina- Yeah! And aunt Zelda’s okay right?

Hilda- Absolutely. This break up was bound to happen sooner or later and let's face it, the sooner the break up; the less pain... for us!

They high-five.

Ext. Spellman back porch. Salem is togged out in a butchers apron and cap as he continues Silky’s lesson in life.

Salem- Woof roof!

Translation- Now go be a dog and get that meat!

Silky- Woof!

Translation- Sir, Yes Sir!

Silky trots off.

Salem- (Calling after) Good boy! (To himself) Yeah baby! I can taste the fillet’s. I’ll just pretend his frothy spit is a garnish.

Silky returns sans meat.

Silky- Woof!

Translation- I’m sorry, did you send me somewhere?

Salem- Hi’y!

He buries his head in his paw.

Int. Spellman living room. The Spellman’s have their new neighbours round.

Zelda- It’s so nice that both of you could join us for a glass of wine.

Lucy clinks her wine glass with Mr. Kraft’s mug of her special herb tea.

Lucy- Well I knew there was no way I’d get this one out of the house without me, so I finally said Willy-poo...

He twitches.

Lucy- (Cont.) ...enough with the foot-rubs.

Zelda- You know he calls me Zoo-Zoo.

Mr. Kraft- I do?

Zelda- Yes, and I call you Monkey.

Lucy- Like some godless hairy primate?

Zelda- No, like a cute little monkey with big eyes... and now he answers to Poo. There’s a trade-up. I’ll get more wine.

She leaves gritting her teeth.

Hilda- You two seem to be getting along well.

Mr. Kraft- I like Lucy <Twitch> She’s a nice lady.

Lucy- Oh stop.

Mr. Kraft- I’m sorry! Was that-was that bad?

Lucy- No dear, it’s a figure of speech.

Mr. Kraft- So y-you’re not gonna hit me then?

Lucy laughs as Zelda returns with a fresh bottle and her hair pinned up.

Mr. Kraft- Oh, I like your hair up like that.

Lucy- Willard! You’re dehydrated.

She lifts his mug to his lips. He twitches.

Lucy- (Cont.) Oh didn’t you want to tell Zelda something?

Mr. Kraft- Er yes. Zelda, I’m moving out of the garage.

Hilda and Sabrina smile triumphantly at each other.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Lucy has room for me at her place. So thanks.

His face goes slack and expressionless.

Zelda- I see! Well let me tell you something. I-I got you cable in that garage. (To herself) What am I doing? I’m grovelling! I’m debasing myself for a man! I sound like Hilda!

She leaves for another good cry.

Lucy- Well we should go. (To Mr. Kraft) Your best friend Dexter’s coming over isn’t he?

Mr. Kraft- Shall I carry you dear?

Lucy- No, not this time. We’ll see ourselves out.

They leave.

Hilda- I do not debase myself for a man!

Sabrina- I’m worried about aunt Zelda.

She heads off to find her.

Hilda- Oh yeah, her!

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina and Hilda enter catching Zelda wiping her eyes with the dish-towel.

Hilda- Boy, it’s a good thing you found out about him now, hey Zellie?

Zelda- I don’t blame Willard, he seems happy.

Sabrina- You don’t mind.

Zelda- Oh when you truly care about someone you-you want what’s best for them, but I’m gonna miss him.

Hilda- (Aside to Sabrina) I told you it was for the best.

Zelda- I really don’t know why a care about that man. Just, he makes me so happy. <Sob!>

She despondently lets down her hair. Seeing Zelda in such pain and misery is more than Sabrina can bear. She doesn’t know why Zelda cares about that man either but it’s painfully clear that she does and that she’s suffering because of what they have done.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, you don’t know the whole story. Lucy’s from the Other Realm, I brought her back.

Hilda- You what?!

Darned if Sabrina’s going to let Hilda get away with that one.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda and I brought her back. We had to! He did yoga in a uni-tard!

Zelda- Wait a minute. Lucy’s a witch?

Sabrina- Yeah, and she’s using magic to get him back. He doesn’t like her, it’s the tea talking.

Zelda- How dare you two try to break up Willard and me?!

Hilda- Don’t dwell on the past, you can compete with Lucy. Start brewing potions pronto!

They grab Zelda and push her towards the dining room and the Lab-top.

Int. Spellman dining room.

Sabrina- Try the ‘All’s fair in love and war spell’

Hilda- Quick! I think she’s ordering him an ear-tag.

Zelda- Maybe one little potion.

She opens up the Lab-top and all three of them are enveloped in a blue glow. When the glow fades they are gone.

Ext. A cloud in the Other Realm. On a high podium stands the witch judge in all her regalia as the Spellman trio and Lucy shimmer into existence from the blue glow.

Zelda- I’ve got to get that modem fixed.

Lucy- Oh look, your hairs down again. I guess everything eventually loses the battle with gravity.

Witch Judge- Silence! Do you know why the council pulled you in here ladies?

Sabrina- Because you’re lonely?

The judge bangs her gavel and glares. Sabrina looks down contrite.

Witch Judge- (Reading) Two witches battling over a mortal. A vice-principle?

Zelda- He’s a heartbeat away from running the entire high school!

Lucy- And he loves me.

Hilda- Oh your honour, I’m really not involved with...

Witch Judge- (Interrupting) Silence! Well you know the law. The Witches Council has clearly stated that cases such as these must be settled in an appropriate forum. One that is fair and full of wisdom.

She brings down her gavel.

Int. A fair and wise forum.

Audience- Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

Four witches appear on stage as a man with a microphone walks down between the rows of baying fans.

Sabrina- The Jerry Springer Show?

They sit as the audience settle.

Jerry Springer- (To camera) You know er Zelda thought she had a good thing going with Willard until his ex-wife Lucy came to town with a simple warning. Get your hands of my mortal!

The Jerry Springer sub-title comes up.

Audience- ooh! ooh!

Zelda- Why are they so excited?

Lucy- Because he was my man. You were just keeping him warm until I got back.

Jerry Springer- Obviously you’re very upset. Er tell us how it all started.

Sabrina- Well you have to understand, Mr. Kraft is not just Zelda’s boyfriend, he’s also my vice principle.

Audience- Ooooh!

Hilda- And my ex-boyfriend!

Audience- Oooooooh!

Sabrina- You know, it was really hard living with him so we decided to bring back his ex-wife.

Audience- Nooooo!

Sabrina jumps to her feet.

Sabrina- Well we didn’t know she was a witch!

Hilda- Oh everyone can just... beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep! beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep! peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-de-beep-beep! beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

Sabrina- (Aside to Jerry) She’s not swearing.

Jerry Springer- I know, but this way it sounds like she did. (To camera) I think it’s time now that we er bring out the mortal and er maybe he can decide er which witch? please welcome Willard Kraft!

Mr. Kraft enters accompanied by a bouncer and is pelted with paper-balls as he stands between Zelda and Lucy.

Audience- Booo! Booo!

Mr. Kraft- Lucy?... And Zelda!

He looks around at the audience.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) (Under his breath) Where am I?

Lucy- You’re with me dear. Come and sit down.

Zelda- Don’t do it Willard. I really care about you, she’s just using you.

Lucy- Honey, all the magic in your bag couldn’t get you a man!

Audience- Oooooooh!

The normally calm and tolerant Zelda goes after Lucy with claws bared. A burly and very brave bouncer gets between the murderous females and keeps them apart while the audience cheer and chant ‘Jer-ry!’

Jerry Springer- (To Camera) I didn’t expect the show to take this direction. Er we’ll be right back.

Ext. Spellman back porch. Salem is waiting for Silky.

Salem- Silky boy! Dumb dog, he should be back by now. If he ran across a tennis-ball I’m doomed.

Int. The Jerry Springer Show. Order of a kind has been resumed during the ad-break.

Jerry Springer- (To camera) Welcome back, and of course now it’s time for Willard to chose. Will it be Lucy or Zelda? I’ll tell you what, before we let him chose we do have a surprise. You see we did a potion check on Willard.

Audience- Oooooh!

Jerry Springer- Okay, now this is what a normal man looks like.

There’s a graphic of the insides of a male body with a calibrated marker showing just a few inches of potion in the body.

Jerry Springer- As you can see, very few potions because we as witches have to remember that we cannot use magic irresponsibly. Y’know, there are those that... I-I’m sorry that’s my final thought that’s... Let’s check in now on Willard.

The graphic is shown again with Mr. Kraft’s head perched on top. The calibrated marker shoots up the body until it’s completely full.

Audience- Ooooooh!

Hilda- That is worse than Elvis’s autopsy.

Lucy- I-I-I-I did it for his own good. He was weak and if it got me out of the Infinite Horror, well that was a sacrifice I was willing to make.

Zelda- You’ve got to drain him Jerry!

Jerry points and the marker drops until Mr. Kraft is totally devoid of potions.

Jerry Springer- Okay. Now Willard, er you are back to normal so are you ready to make your decision?

Mr. Kraft- Jerry er this woman...

He points to Lucy.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) ...is still trying to kill me.

Audience- Ooooooh!

Mr. Kraft- And this lady...

He smiles down at Zelda.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) ...laughs at my little jokes...

Lucy- Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) And has the sweetest smile.

Zelda- Oh.

Mr. Kraft- So I guess I’m what you’d have to call a no-brainer. It’s Lucy.

There’s a huge communal intake of breath. Jerry does a double take. Zelda and Lucy’s jaws drop.

Mr. Kraft- I’m only kiddin’ ya! It’s Zelda.

The audience erupts into cheers and applause.

Lucy- No! You change your mind you spineless slug, ‘cause I aint goin’ back t’ Hell Town!

Audience- Ooooooh!

Zelda- Oh yes you are!

Audience- Oooooh! Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

Jerry stands with his practised bemused expression as Hell Town visits his stage and the bouncers try to hold back the mayhem.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda sits soaking her hand in a bowl of ice-water to get the swelling down.

Hilda- You know, everyone laughs at that show but when you’re on it something just takes over.

Salem- I hope you’ve learned your lesson. You claimed you and Sabrina were helping Zelda when in fact you were just helping you and Sabrina.

Hilda- You did the same thing with Silky. You weren’t training him to help Silky, it was all for Salem.

Salem- I guess we were both being selfish. Of course in my case it worked out!

He sits amidst a huge pile of meat. Sausages, rib-steaks, sides of beef. It’s a hell of a score.

Salem- (Cont.) Venison? He-he-he!

Zelda enters nursing her jaw.

Zelda- Oh what a day. I just saw Willard home and gave him a potion to keep him from remembering any of this.

Hilda- Not another potion?

Zelda- Oh it’ll flush out with his meta-musal.

She gets an ice-cream tub from the freezer and holds it against her jaw for the swelling.

Zelda- And as soon as the swelling goes down in my jaw I wanna talk to you and Sabrina. Where is she?

Hilda- Valerie whisked her away. It seemed very important and rather formal.

Int. Photo-portrait loft. Light reflectors and tripods clutter the floor. Sabrina is lead in blindfolded by Valerie. She’s dressed up in a smart silk dress.

Sabrina- This had better be a good surprise. This hasn’t exactly been the best day.

Valerie- Relax, just have a seat right here.

She guides Sabrina to a small settee and seats her as an equally smartly groomed Harvey comes to join them quietly..

Sabrina- Can I take my blindfold off now?

Valerie- (Whispering to Harvey) There’s something you should know.

But Harvey holds his finger to his lips to shush her before sitting beside Sabrina on the settee and slipping his arm around her.

Photographer- Okay, let’s get this show on the road.

Harvey removes Sabrina’s blindfold and does a double take as the camera flash goes off. It gets a nice picture of Harvey’s surprised profile as well as a stunner of Sabrina black eye.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina comes through accompanied by Mr. Kraft heading for the exit.

Mr. Kraft- I want you to know that just because I’m seeing your aunt Zelda, don’t expect any special treatment around here.

Sabrina- I don’t Mr. Kraft.

Run credits.

Mr. Kraft- You know no favours, no politics and no calling me Willard.

Sabrina- It’ll be hard but, okay.

Mr. Kraft- In fact I’m going to have to give you detention this Friday.

Sabrina- What?! Why?

Mr. Kraft- Because your aunt Zelda told me you’ve been watching Jerry Springer instead of doing your homework and that just aint kosher M’lady.

Sabrina- Well she watches too!

Mr. Kraft- Hey don’t take that tone with me! I am still vice-principle of this school and I demand respect.

He turns and leaves the building to a hail of garbage. Sabrina smiles.