Salem, The Boy

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Breakfast time. Hilda enters full of the joys of...

Hilda- Today is alive with the wonder of Wednesday.

Salem- Urgh, to me it’s just another day with eight nipples.

Zelda- What’s wrong?

Salem- I can’t remember what it was like to be human! This voice used to bark orders to a legion of mercenaries, now it begs two old maids for catnip.

He gets a double glare.

Sabrina- I believe the correct term is spinsters.

Hilda- Come on ya big whuss, suck it up. Take it like the man you used to be.

Salem- <Sob!>

Sabrina- I know what you can’t resist.

She points producing a string with a tassel on the end of a long stick in a swirl of sparkles. It hangs temptingly before Salem’s nose.

Zelda- Your favourite cat-toy.

Salem- I don’t need your pity.

He ignores the toy, jumps down from the counter and leaves.

Sabrina- This is serious, usually he thrives on our pity.

Zelda- Oh let’s go and see if he wants his tummy rubbed.

Sabrina and Zelda head out after Salem but are stopped by a tinkling sound. They turn.

Zelda- Are you coming Hilda?

Hilda- Huh?

She’s distracted, batting the belled tassel about on Salem’s toy with her hands.

Hilda- (Cont.) Oh, I’m sorry. It is irresistible.

She bats it again before following the others.

Run opening credits.

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. Lunch-time. Mr. Kraft is on the campaign trail complete with straw boater.

Mr. Kraft- Get your peanut-butter dandy’s here! Compliments of the committee to elect Willard Kraft principle.

A student comes by.

Mr. Kraft- Here you go, tell your folks to vote early and often.

Libby comes up to him.

Libby- Is it true Principle Larue is out?

Mr. Kraft- Well not yet but his contract is up, so I’m throwing my hat in the ring. Why? Because I want that extra four hundred and eighteen dollars a year.

Libby- And with you in charge, the cheerleaders can finally gain power of attorney over the dance-fund.

Mr. Kraft- Mm, if I can lure enough votes with my dandy’s. Here ya go Libby.

He offers her glop-on-a-stick.

Libby- Ew! Maybe if you offered them with milk.

Mr. Kraft- Excellent idea.

Gordie chooses just the wrong moment to come past with his apple for lunch and his violin case.

Mr. Kraft- Er Gordie, would you get me a few gallons of milk please?

Gordie- Oh but I have violin practice.

Mr. Kraft- Running my errands comes before rock and roll. So if you don’t want to raise your family in detention!

Gordie runs off to get the milk.

Int. School hallway. ‘Come to the St. Patrick’s day dance’ says the colourful poster with a leprechaun on it. Sabrina and Valerie walk past it.

Sabrina- So, has anyone asked you to the St. Patrick’s day dance yet?

Valerie- No, but between you and me there’s someone I wish would.

Sabrina- Really?! Let me guess. Erm Jerry?

Valerie- No.

Sabrina- Pat?

Valerie- Sabrina, you aren’t gonna get it.

Sabrina- Jimmy?

Valerie- No, it’s Gordie.

Sabrina- ...Ken?

Valerie- Look, I’ve got to know him since I started orchestra. He’s sorta the Kevin Costner of the string section.

Sabrina- Well then, we’ll have to get him to ask you to the dance.

Valerie- Well I’ve been dropping serious hints but he hasn’t been picking up on them.

It looks like it’s Gordie’s day for timing, whether good or bad. He runs by on his errand for Mr. Kraft.

Sabrina- Hey Gordie!

He skids to a halt and turns.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey, did you see that er St. Patrick’s day dance poster?

He looks at the poster then back at Sabrina confused.

Sabrina- (Cont.) You know Val loves to dance. In fact, she loves to be asked to dance.

Gordie- Mr. Kraft needs milk!

He runs off.

Valerie- See? You can’t be subtle.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda enters carrying a cardboard file-box followed by Hilda.

Zelda- A surprise party is just the thing to make Salem forget he’s not a man.

Hilda- I hope his old address-book is in there. It won’t be much of a surprise if we’re the only guests.

Zelda puts the box down on the table and looks at the label stuck to the top.

Zelda- (Reading) ‘The Universe verses Saberhagen; Confiscated personal effects’

Hilda- Two recolas.

Zelda- One dry-cleaning receipt for a velvet cape and no address-book.

Hilda- A sceptre? This is sad.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina enters with a sigh.

Sabrina- What a day! I was playing matchmaker for Valerie and Gordie, which is like the low self-esteem Olympics, and Libby is politicking for the known evil called Willard Kraft.

Salem- And yet, you’re not a cat.

He jumps down from the desk and pads from the room.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Did I mention, I almost choked on a dandy?

It must be pretty damp and sunny in Sabrina’s room ‘cause how else would a rainbow appear in it.

Sabrina- (To herself) Oh a rainbow, I hope that doesn’t stain.

A vision in green tweed puffs into being at the top of the rainbow.

Roland- Faith and begorra! It’s your lover-boy.

He coolly slides down the curve of the rainbow but ends up in an un-cool heap on the floor. Unfazed the little troll jumps up and brushes himself off.

Sabrina- Roland, what’s with the brogue?

Roland- It’s part of my new job. You know, after a lot of therapy, I’ve finally figured out why you and I never clicked.

Sabrina- Your personality?

Roland- No! You’re shallow. So I needed a glamorous job to impress you. So say hello to your dream date leprechaun Roland! Erin Gobragh!

Sabrina- Erin go back! Roland how can I put this without hurting your feelings? You sicken me!

Roland- Here, let’s take it slow. We have the rest of our lives to love each other. Hey, do ya wanna give me a leg-up here?

Sabrina bends and slips her hands under his arms to help Roland back up onto his rainbow. Roland grins and makes no effort as he enjoys Sabrina’s arm around him.

Sabrina- Roland, you’re not helping. In fact I think you’re enjoying this.

Roland- Like you’re not?

She lets go and plants her hands on her hips. Roland huffs and heads for the door.

Sabrina- Where are you going?

Roland- I’ll use the linen closet. Boy, you’re sounding like a ball-and-chain already.

He blows a kiss and leaves.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem is still feeling sorry for himself sitting on the settee in his dressing-gown watching TV and quietly sobbing to himself. Hilda and Zelda enter unseen.

Zelda- He’s weeping at a Richard Simmonds advertisement.

Salem- This isn’t just an info-mercial, it’s info-truth. <Sob!>

Hilda- (Aside to Zelda) We have got to find that address-book.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway

Gordie- (Over the PA) This is Gordie, the voice of Westbridge, with an important announcement for Mr. Kraft. You are cordially invited to a campaign rally to get your parents to vote for Mr. Kraft. Anyone not attending will be caned by Mr. Kraft.

Sabrina- (To Harvey) Well as long as we wont have to eat any more dandy’s

She opens her locker and something drops out. Harvey bends to pick it up.

Harvey- What’s this? (Reading) ‘Our secret love will always last. I’ll wait for you over the rainbow. Lover-boy.’

Sabrina- Oh.

Harvey- Is there something you need to tell me?

She takes the love note from him and screws it up.

Sabrina- Stupid junk-mail. Well... I’ll... I... er...

As she stammers she walks down the hallway.

Sabrina- (Cont.) My lockers on every mailing list.

She turns the corner to find a curious crowd standing looking at the rainbow that has appeared in the hallway. Mr. Kraft is as curious as the rest.

Sabrina- (Cont.) (Under her breath) Oh Jeez!

Mr. Kraft- Everybody else sees this right?

A flash of green, a snatch and Sabrina hurries back down the hallway after the book-bag pinching leprechaun.

Roland- I'll take that thank you.

Sabrina- Roland!

Int. School classroom. Sabrina chases Roland in.

Sabrina- Hey!

She grabs the bag strap catching him.

Roland- Oh-no! You’ve caught me!

Sabrina- Oh hey, I’ve caught a leprechaun, don’t I get a pot of gold?... and my book-bag!

She tugs it from him.

Roland- We don’t do gold anymore, but you do get these coupons. Redeemable for three wishes.

She takes the golden coupons from him.

Sabrina- Great! Well I know what my first one will be.

She holds up one of the coupons.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I wish Roland would go away.

Instantly both Roland and the coupon fade away.

Roland- But honey...

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina is lay on her bed reading as Salem wonders in.

Salem- I just tried on one of my old suits. I almost suffocated in the sleeve.

He jumps up onto the desk

Salem- (Cont.) Whoa! Are these wish coupons? How many?

Sabrina- Three. Well two. I blew one ditching Roland McLeprachaun.

Salem- Sabrina I’ll be your best friend if you use a wish to turn me back into a man. Oh please! Please! Please!

Sabrina- Salem, you know I can’t use magic to help you regain your human form. It’s direct violation of the Witches Council.

Salem- But one of Roland’s coupons wouldn’t be your magic. If anyone found out it’d be his emerald keaster in a sling.

Sabrina- Right, but last time you were a man you tried to take over the world.

Salem- No politics! Promise! I just wanna remember what it’s like to be human. Ple-e-e-ase!

Sabrina- Well...

Salem- Oh please!

Sabrina- Roland! I have a wish.

Salem- Yes! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Later.

Sabrina- (To Roland) So Salem will enter the body of a student at school so I can keep an eye on him.

Salem- Preferably a young Dan Blocker type.

Sabrina- And I’ll keep one wish for when I bring him back.

Roland- No problem, let’s take Salem’s essence to school and find a suitable vessel.

Salem- Do it!

Sabrina- I wish Salem was human with all the aforementioned disclaimers.

The wish coupon vanishes but Salem remains much the same until Roland removes his Kelly green bowler-hat. A sparkling, intensely bright aura builds around him and he starts to shake. The light slips across into Roland’s hat and he plonks it back on his head.

Roland- Next time I lift my hat, Salem enters the nearest body.

Sabrina- But what about the cat?

Roland- Oh he’s just a regular house cat until Salem returns. You’re loving my new cologne aren’t ya?

Int. Spellman living room. A small black cat comes down stairs.

Zelda- Oh hello Salem. Listen, we need a good... haberdasher.

Hilda- And since you know so many people who... haberdash, would you happen to know where your old address-book is?

Black Cat- Meow!

The cat wonders of in search of food and a place to nap.

Zelda- (To Hilda) Did he meow?

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. The St. Patrick’s day dance poster has new company as Gordie puts a ‘Vote for Mr. Kraft... or else’ poster up beside it. He’s been doing it all over the school and is suffering from thumb-tack-thumb. Mr. Kraft supervises.

Mr. Kraft- Vote for Mr. Kraft... or else. I thought of that slogan myself.

Gordie- Sir, my thumb is really starting to throb.

Mr. Kraft- Oh stop kissing-up and finish the job.

He leaves and Valerie hurries over.

Valerie- Watch out! You might cover the St. Patrick’s day dance poster.

Gordie- The poster! Hey Valerie.

Valerie- (Excited) Yes?

Gordie- If I use the same tack-holes I might be able to avoid thumb surgery!

Sabrina and her little green bearded friend come down the hallway.

Roland- Let’s pick a vessel to put Salem in.

Sabrina- Well what’s gonna happen to the vessel? I mean student?

Roland- Once Salem’s done with the body, the kid’ll think he’s been home with the mumps. D'ah!

Sabrina- Okay, well let’s take our time and chose carefully.

Roland- Okay, I pick that guy.

Valerie- Gordie, are you aware there’s a dance on Friday?

Sabrina- Roland wait!

But she’s too late, the hats off.

Gordie- Look Valerie I...

He stumbles nearly falling as the bright essence that is Salem enters his body. He straightens and a smooth smile spreads across his face, his eyes sparkle as he looks at Valerie.

Salem- I’ll pick you up at eight. What kinda flowers do you like?

Valerie- (Delighted) Surprise me.

Salem- That means roses.

He chucks her gently on the chin, picks up his book-bag and swaggers down the hallway. Sabrina walks up to her friend watching him go.

Valerie- Sabrina, I think Gordie just hit puberty.

She leaves and Sabrina follows after Salem.

Sabrina- Salem?

Salem- Speaking. Man, standing rocks!

He does a little dance with a huge grin spread across his, or I should say Gordie’s, face.

Sabrina- Well that was really nice of you to ask Valerie out. Well, to get Gordie to ask Val... Well, whatever just happened was nice.

Salem- Well I thought I might be of some service while I’m here. It’s just my way of saying thank you.

He rubs his cheek against Sabrina’s shoulder in a very feline way.

Salem- (Cont.) Thank you. Thank you.

Int. Spellman living room. The Spellman sisters watch the black cat groom himself with some concern.

Hilda- You think it’s obsessive compulsive disorder?

Zelda- A party will bring him back to normal. Thank goodness you found that address-book.

Hilda- Yeah, who would have thought it’d be next to the phone?

Zelda- I just wish we knew what kind of soirée he would like. Let’s drop some hints, but be subtle.

Hilda- Of course.

The casually wonder over.

Hilda- Salem, what kind of parties do you like? I like luau’s, how about you Zelda?

Zelda- I like parties that are more... subtle.

Black Cat- Meow!

He runs off.

Hilda- We’ve offended him... or he heard the ice-cream truck.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Salem is still struggling to suppress his feline behaviour. He licks his hand and rubs it across his hair.

Sabrina- Stop it!

They meet Valerie.

Salem- And where are you off to, enchantress of third period?

Valerie- English.

Salem- Lucky English. I’d better check these books for hidden explosives.

He takes Valerie’s books and escorts her to class.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Okay, well I’ll see you later Gordie and don’t forget who you’re supposed to be!

Harvey comes up to her wondering what she’s talking about.

Sabrina- Identity crisis, pep talk.

Harvey nods understanding.

Harvey- Sorry I got jealous about that love-letter. I know you had nothing to do with it.

Sabrina- I have no idea how it got in there.

She opens her locker and something drops out. Harvey deftly catches it and looks at the silver framed love-letter.

Harvey- Or got framed?

Sabrina winces. The sound from down the hallway gives her what she hopes is a convenient out.

Sabrina- Hey! Do you think that commotion’s coming from where Valerie and Gordie went to? Oh don’t worry, I’ll go and check for myself.

She dashes off thankfully.

Harvey- (To himself) It’s real silver! (Calling after) Do you know how often you’re gonna have to clean this?

He dumps the framed letter in a trash-can. Sabrina’s thankfulness lasts only until she gets round the corner. A crowd of whooping, cheering students watch Salem snogging Valerie in the middle of the hallway.

Sabrina- Salem! I mean Gordie!

Salem and Valerie come up for air. Valerie looks a little dazed but has a huge smile on her face.

Valerie- Okay, Well er have a good class to you too.

She goes on her way to class and Sabrina collars Salem.

Salem- What? What’d I do?

Sabrina- You were smooching!

Salem- I thought you liked me to cheer Valerie up.

Sabrina- Not like that!!

Salem- I stand corrected, so the weekend in Vagas is a no-no.

Sabrina- Look, just go to math and be Gordie or you go back to the litter-box.

Salem- I’ll be good. Cross my gauky, adolescent heart.

They each head for their separate classes. Salem passes a notice board and one of the posters that he, or rather Gordie, put up catches his eye.

Salem- (Thinking) Hmm. High school politics. What could be more innocent?

Int. Spellman kitchen.

Hilda- I’ve got it!

Zelda- Please don’t say fox-hunting party again.

Hilda- Let’s cast a spell and crash the best party that Salem ever went to.

Zelda- Oh that’s great! Then we can recreate it. Hair of a dog, a laugh that’s hearty. Take us to Salem’s favourite party.

A burst of sparkles and they’re gone.

Int. The Emperors palace. Rome. 52AD. The aunts appear amongst the columns and couches where dancing girls and slaves tend to the depraved desires of Roman hierarchy.

Zelda- Well, judging from the debauchery, I’d say we were in ancient Rome.

Hilda- Either that or it’s superbowl week.

Horns sound announcing the arrival of a rotund man in toga and laurel wreath chewing on a turkey-leg.

Zelda- Caligula?

Caligula- I’ve been called worse. Romulus! Fetch these vixens some fig-leaves. I’ll teach them the secret handshake.

He wiggles his eyebrows at them suggestively.

Zelda- I’ve seen enough!

With a gesture they’re gone.

Int. Spellman kitchen. A burst of sparkles heralds their return.

Zelda- How about fox-hunting?

Hilda nods agreement.

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. Salem enters and walks straight to Libby’s table.

Salem- Is this seat taken?

Libby- Yes, by someone I might be caught dead talking to.

Salem- Ha-ha-ha. Cute kid.

He takes the seat anyway, swinging it round to back to front.

Salem- (Cont.) All right, the Kraft campaign needs some proven techniques for winning.

Libby- As if you’d know any.

Salem- Who do you think stuffed the ballots in Chicago that got Kennedy elected? A lot of dead people voted that year... twice. Na-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Libby- What?

Salem sees Sabrina enter.

Salem- Ixnay on the aruptioncay kapich?

He gets up and joins Sabrina who drags him physically outside.

Sabrina- What is the big idea of you sitting with Libby?

Salem- Er had to! Lab partners. We don’t like her right?

Sabrina- Right! Now go to math!

She shoves him into his classroom and heads for her own. Harvey joins her having witnessed the exchange between Gordie and her.

Harvey- What’s that all about?

Sabrina- Oh! You know, just the usual pithy banter that peppers our school hallways.

They reach her locker.

Harvey- You’ve been hanging out with Gordie an awful lot these days.

Sabrina- Harvey, we’re talking about Gordie here.

She opens her locker and the silver framed love-letter is hung prominently on the back of the door.

Sabrina- (Thinking) The letter! Oh!

She slams the locker shut but not before Harvey notices it.

Harvey- I don’t think I’m out o’ line asking for an explanation.

Sabrina- And I have one. It’s just... I’m having a hard time remembering... one right now.

Harvey staggers as the little green clad leprechaun barges past his legs.

Roland- Is there a problem here farm-boy? I need to talk to Sabrina.

Harvey- What’s your cousin doing here?

Sabrina- Updating me on my uncle. We’ll be right back.

Sabrina’s day is turning into a bit of a drag as she now drags Roland away.

Roland- So how’s it goin’ with Salem?

Sabrina- He’s fine but I have a problem with a jealous boyfriend and your stupid love-letter. Now please go away!

Roland- Not without a good-bye kiss. It’s an Irish tradition.

He stands with lips puckered and stretches up to her. Sabrina’s having none of it and points at the door.

Sabrina- Go!!

Reluctantly he leaves and Harvey walks up to Sabrina.

Harvey- Just how close a cousin is he?

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda and Hilda sit on stools with their backs to the counter going over the guest list for the party.

Hilda- Do you think we should invite Mary Ann Mobley?

Caligula stands up behind the counter and quietly pinches Zelda’s soda.

Zelda- M-mm, she doesn’t go down well with Castro.

Caligula empties the glass and puts it back down. Zelda turns and picks up her glass.

Zelda- (Cont.) Hey! Thanks for drinking my soda!

Hilda- What are you talking about? I’ve got my own right here.

She turns to pick up her soda only it’s gone. They both turn completely round and see his empororship.

Hilda- (Cont.) Hey!

Caligula- I’m just like Doctor Pepper. So misunderstood.

Zelda- Caligula! Now why on earth would you sneak home with us?

His eyes widen and a lascivious smile spreads across his face. The aunts realise and run for it as Caligula joyfully pursues.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina’s searching for Salem and runs into Valerie.

Valerie- What ya looking for?

Sabrina- Er I’ve completely lost track of Gordie.

Valerie- Yeah, me too. Y’know he’s not the guy I thought he was. I’m pretty sure he tried to play footsie with me in band.

Sabrina- I’ll kill him!

Valerie- I’m not that upset.

She leaves.

Sabrina- (Calling) Gordie! GORDIE!

She turns a corner walking right into Harvey.

Harvey- Okay! I’m not imagining it. You’re calling out Gordie’s name in the hall. Why are you so interested in him?

Sabrina- He owes me money? Oh, will you check the boys-room for me?

She pushes Harvey off down the hallway.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Hilda and Zelda are still trying to keep out of Caligula’s clutches. They run across the landing and into Sabrina’s room. The black cat dozes on the linen basket.

Hilda- Salem help!

Zelda- Call the cops!

Black Cat- Meow.

The aunts run out again.

Hilda- Or just sit there and do nothing.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina taps her foot waiting with her arms crossed. Harvey comes out of the boys-room.

Harvey- Gordie’s not in this bathroom either, but I did find Mr. Congeniality.

He pulls Roland out by his jacket.

Roland- Hello there cutie.

She pulls him aside.

Sabrina- Hey, have you seen Salem?

Roland- The last time I saw him he was talking to some girl and an old guy in the cafeteria. Somethin’ about how to win an election.

Sabrina- Oh-no! Politics!

She runs off. Harvey and Roland watch her go.

Harvey- What did you say to here?

Roland- None of your milk fed business farm-boy.

He leaves. Harvey rubs his forehead feeling a headache coming on.

Harvey- (To himself) This may not be a family I wanna marry into.

Int. School cafeteria. The campaign committee to elect Willard Kraft principle is meeting. Salem lays out the strategy.

Salem- We start by announcing that Larue has gout and a secret family.

Libby- That’s brilliant.

Mr. Kraft- Let the innuendo begin.

Sabrina peers round the corner eavesdropping.

Salem- With my know-how and your hairline we don’t have to stop at this petty school election. We could take over the world!

Mr. Kraft and Libby look at each other concerned.

Salem- (Cont.) Did I say world? Ha, I meant state.

Sabrina- (To herself) Oh your biped days are over cat.

Int. School hallway. Sabrina comes out of the cafeteria. She needs the last wish coupon and goes in search of it.

Sabrina- (Calling) Roland! ROLAND! Oh Mr. Leprechaun!

Harvey steps out in front of her.

Harvey- A-ha! So now it’s Mr. Leprechaun! Wait a minute. Mr. Leprechaun?

Sabrina- Maybe I put it in my locker.

She opens her locker and the love-letter is now in a gold filigree frame with a light fixed above it.

Harvey- Okay, now I’m beginning to get suspicious.

Sabrina- Now I remember I left the coupon at home.

She takes her coat from the locker and leaves.

Harvey- A-ha! (To Himself) Wait a minute, what coupon?

Int. Spellman living room. The chase goes on. Caligula is on Zelda’s heals as she runs past the front door. Once she rounds the corner Sabrina enters through the door and runs upstairs and Hilda runs back round and towards the kitchen. Caligula follows.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina enters pulling off her coat.

Sabrina- Roland! Where are you?

She picks up the coupon from her desk.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I wish you would get over here.

She gets her wish as Roland appears but her coupon disappears.

Roland- Your wish is my command.

She looks down at her empty hand.

Sabrina- Where’s the coupon?

Roland- It’s gone. You wished for me to come here, so here I am.

Sabrina- What?! You mean I blew my last wish? What am I gonna do? Salem’s not only taking over the school, I think he skipped French.

There’s a crash of thunder as she babbles in panic and two tough looking men enter having come from the Other Realm. They both carry a bunch of wanted posters.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Now what?

Bounty Hunter #1- We’re bounty hunters ma’am.

Bounty Hunter #2- We’re here to catch some law-breakers. (Reading) ‘One black cat/boy, one former emperor of Rome, a Hilda, a Zelda, a Roland...

Bounty Hunter #1- And a Sabrina.

Sabrina- Gotta go!

Bounty Hunter #1- Get her!

The chase is on, Well another chase. The Cardigans ‘Losing my favourite game’ plays over the following.

Sabrina leads the bounty hunters a merry chase round her desk and out down the stairs.

Int. Spellman living room. Everyone is chasing everyone. It’s mayhem as Sabrina manages to head back up stairs, Roland makes a bee-line for the kitchen, Hilda and Zelda run for the dining room followed by Caligula and the bounty hunters.

Int. Westbridge High School. Mr. Kraft’s office. Salem jabs a coloured pin into a map of Massachusetts. Mr. Kraft shakes his head and replaces it closer to Westbridge. Salem gives the vice-principle a slap across the back of the head and Mr. Kraft puts the pin back where Salem had put it.

Int. Spellman dining room. Zelda runs through, then runs back followed by bounty hunter #1. Caligula runs back the other way followed by bounty hunter #2. Hilda runs back the other way followed by Caligula. Sabrina runs back through the other way chased by Roland but stops as if to say ‘why am I running from you?’ Roland shrugs but the arrival of bounty hunter #1 puts an end to their brief rest.

Int. Westbridge High School. Mr. Kraft’s office. A map of the USA is laid out on the desk. Salem places model tanks and aircraft in different states. Mr Craft takes a model plane from New Mexico and plays at attacking a tank in Navada. Libby slaps the back of his head for being childish.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. The music fades as the chase is over. The bounty hunters have won and they lead their captives upstairs.

Bounty Hunter #2- Right this way and no sudden moves.

Sabrina leads the way into the linen closet sulking.

Hilda- I still don’t know what I did wrong.

She follows along with Zelda and Caligula.

Bounty Hunter #1- You let Charlie Toga-party exit the Other Realm and his time period.

Bounty Hunter #2- The last time he got lose the sixties happened.

Once they’re all packed into the linen closet bounty hunter #2 closes the door.

Zelda- (OS) (To Caligula) Get your hand off my leg!

There’s a crash of thunder and they’re gone. The linen basket lid lifts and Roland’s eyes peer out.

Int. The Emperors palace. Rome. 52AD.

Hilda- Oh this is a great legal atmosphere, especially the Vomitorium.

Zelda- Sabrina, I can’t believe you thought you would get away with changing Salem? Although it does explain why I finally beat the cat at Scrabble.

The witch judge bangs his gavel for order.

Witch Judge- Silence! The trials begin. Now who smuggled this miscreant into the mortal realm?

He indicates Caligula.

Zelda- We didn’t!

Hilda- He stowed away!

Witch Judge- (To Caligula) Is this true?

Caligula- Maybe, but your honour, speaking man to man, they wanted me.

Witch Judge- We find Hilda and Zelda innocent and Caligula is sentenced to another hundred years of unbridled decadence and none-stop partying.

Caligula- Same ol’, same ol’

Witch Judge- Next case. Who turned Salem into a human?

Sabrina- Technically Roland the leprechaun did, but I don’t see what the big deal is, I mean I’m sure Salem is just hanging around school.

Witch Judge- Really?

He gestures and an image forms in mid air of a press conference being held in the school cafeteria.

Mr. Kraft- And so it is with great pride that I announce my plans to run for Governor. If a wrestler can do it, why not a vice-principle? Huh?

His team stand smiling beside him. At his right hand, working the strings, is Salem. He leads the applause.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Thank you. Thank you.

The image vanishes.

Sabrina- See? He is at school.

Witch Judge- And you say this is Roland’s fault?

Sabrina- Right, Roland granted the wishes which I didn’t ask for and I should have used on clothes. So isn’t he responsible for the results?

Witch Judge- Is that how you really see it?

Sabrina- Yes... No. I’m responsible, I should have known better. I just... I felt so bad for Salem. All I ask is that the court be lenient and if possible, please let me skip the orgy.

Witch Judge- Sabrina, we find you guilty of releasing a witch familiar who is wreaking havoc on the world, but since this is Rome, let’s do as the Romans do.

Sabrina- Speak Latin?

Witch Judge- No, throw her to the lions!

The centurion guardsman grabs Sabrina as the witch judge gestures revealing the Colosium where the mob can be heard baying for blood.

Hilda- Isn’t that a little harsh?

Witch Judge- Why? She gets to take that pea-shooter.

Hilda- (To Sabrina) Well that’s something.

Zelda- Remember Sabrina, lions can smell fear.

Sabrina- Oh, so bravery will cover the smell of my tender flesh?!

Witch Judge- Before the carnage begins. Ladies and gentlemen, our National Anthem.

A lone violin plays a fitting death knell for the terrified Sabrina.

Caligula- I hate it when Nero fiddles. The home team always loses.

The violinist turns revealing it to be Salem and he’s accompanied by a toga clad Roland.

Sabrina- Hey! It’s Roland and Salem!

Zelda- Oh! Thank Zeus!

Roland- (To Sabrina) I’m sorry, I ducked out on you but I had to talk Charlie Power-monger here out of taking down Microsoft.

Salem- I thought I could resist power but I’m weak. <Sob!> I didn’t wanna hurt you Sabrina, I just wanted to rule you. (To the judge) Your honour, I’m ready to be a cat again.

Witch Judge- Sabrina, once again you’ve dodged the bullet. That’s the name of the lion, Bullet.

Sabrina- (To Salem and Roland) Thank you guys. If you’ll excuse me now, I think I’m gonna faint.

And she’s right. She slumps from the guardsman’s hands and is caught by Zelda who lowers the unconscious girl to the floor. Caligula goes to help but Hilda blocks his way.

Hilda- No! She does not need mouth-to-mouth.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem is back in his cat form and Gordie’s recovering nicely from his mumps.

Salem- <Sob!> Another fifty years as a cat! By the time I work off this extra time I’ll be an old man.

Zelda- Oh, many people are vital in their later years. Look at John Glenn.

Salem- You look at him.

Hilda- Well you really should thank Roland for talking you into turning yourself in.

Roland- Oh no thanks needed. I did it for the love of a good woman.

Sabrina- Oh so you met someone?

Roland- You don’t like the leprechaun thing do ya? That’s why I start an exciting new job on Monday.

Salem- Organ doner?

Roland- Bounty hunter. So let’s just hope next time we meet it’s not because there’s a price on your head, pretty lady.

With a gesture he vanishes and Sabrina stands.

Sabrina- Well I’m tired, I’m gonna bed. I’m sorry I made you guys stand trial, I was just tryin’ to give Salem a nice present.

Zelda- Oh, apology accepted. We’re proud that you took responsibility for your actions.

Hilda- Now for the bad news, because of the time change from ancient Rome, it’s time for you to go to school.

Sabrina- What?! The sleep I get in school is never as good as the sleep I get in a bed.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Gordie walks with Valerie.

Gordie- I thought I’d already had the mumps, but it sure does explain a lot.

Valerie- Yeah, especially the low voice and the narcissistic tendencies. I’m just glad you’re back to your old self.

Gordie- Okay, this is hard so I’m just gonna say it. Do you wanna go to The Slicery?

He ducks expecting cruel laughter and abuse for his daring.

Valerie- I’d love to.

Gordie- Really?!

They smile at each other as Mr. Kraft and Libby come down the hallway.

Libby- I can’t understand why you took such a dive at the poles.

Mr. Kraft- Well I blame that carrot-topped weasel, Gordie. Mother always said that freckles are the devil’s fresco.

Gordie’s impeccable timing hasn’t improved.

Gordie- Hello, Mr. Kraft.

Mr. Kraft- Here are your detention-slips son. That outa keep you occupied through grad-school.

Gordie- (To Valerie) Rain-check?

Valerie nods sadly and leaves Gordie thumbing through the stack of slips. In another part of the hallway Harvey catches up with Sabrina.

Harvey- Hey.

Sabrina- Harvey listen, I owe you an apology for being so distracted recently.

Harvey- It’s okay. It’s just nice to talk to you without hundreds of other men vying for your attention.

They reach her locker and she opens it. Once again the frame has changed, this time to an over the top sparkly frame with a pastel pink background. Harvey sees it.

Harvey- (Cont.) Sabrina! I...

He lowers his head heart-struck that she would give it such pride of place. Sabrina uses his brief distraction to use a little magic. She puts a signature to the anonymous letter.

Sabrina- Oh! You romantic, you!

Harvey- What?! That’s my signature!

Sabrina- It was you all along!

She stretches up and gives him a big hug.

Harvey- Surprise. I think I need a nap.

Sabrina- I recommend the desks in language lab.

She leads him off.

Int. Spellman living room. Two other witches are needing some shut-eye. Hilda and Zelda head for the stairs yawning.

Hilda- Have a nice nap Zelda.

Zelda- You too.

They stop and look into the main room.

Hilda- Did we forget something?

The room is full of people in their party best.

Zelda- Oh they must be here for Salem’s party... <Gasp!> Salem’s party!

Hilda- Okay, don’t panic. Er turn on some music, I’ll get some dip... and a guest of honour.

Hilda dashes to the kitchen while Zelda heads for the stereo. But she’s intercepted by one of the guests.

Zelda- Oh hello Mary Ann Mobley.

Mary Ann Mobley- And what is Castro doing here?