Long And Winding Shortcut
Written By - Carrie Honigblum & Renee Phillips
Transcribed By - Paul Booth
Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Valerie - Lindsey Sloan
Mrs. Quick - Mary Gross
Monty Hall - Monty Hall
Hank - Evan OíMeara
Reporter - Dave Nemeth
50 Year Old Man - Ritch Brinkley
Old Man - Carmen Filpi
Uncle Roy - William H. Bassett
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina sits on the settee reading while Hilda knits. Salem plays with a ball of wool behind them.
Salem- Hilda, this kitten could use some mittens.
Hilda- I made you a turtle-neck and you havenít worn it once.
Salem- I loved that sweater! I shredded it in less than an hour.
Sabrina stifles another yawn and puts her book in her lap as Zelda enters.
Sabrina- I canít get through ĎWuthering Heightsí. Can someone please tell me what happens so I can write my book report?
Zelda- Oh honey, donít take a shortcut. You need to discover the love between Katherine and Heathcliff on your own.
Sabrina- Youíre right.
She picks the book up again and considers the amount of unread pages to those sheís read.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Aunt Hilda?
Hilda- Sorry, never read it. Emily Bronty bugged me. She was in my English class and she always thought she was so brilliant.
Sabrina- I know a way I can find out on my own.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Take me into the book, knowing what happens would be heaven. Flip ahead to page two-eleven.
She points at herself activating the spell and in a swirl of sparkles vanishes.
Ext. A dark and misty night on the desolate moors. A petite blonde in a flowing white gown slogs through the mire.
Sabrina- Heathcliff! Heathcliff! Dang these moors are cold!
Int. Spellman living room. Another swirl of sparkles and Sabrinaís back in her white gown shivering, rubbing her arms and blowing on numb fingers.
Sabrina- All right, youíre right. Iíll read the book.
Zelda- I tried to warn you, no shortcuts.
Sabrina takes her book upstairs to find something warm to wear.
Hilda- (Calling after) Did Heathcliff ask about me?
Run opening credits.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Morning.
Hilda- Oh stupid crossword puzzle!
Zelda- This is not going to turn out ugly like that tic-tac-toe incident is it?
Hilda- You know despite my date in history I canít think of a word for a male turkey.
Spellman, the younger comes down stairs.
Hilda- No, something with three letters.
Sabrina- I stayed up all night finishing my book report without any shortcuts.
Zelda- Good girl.
Thereís a squeaking sound coming from the table where Hilda battling with the crossword puzzle. Sabrina looks across and finds her own puzzle to solve.
Sabrina- I know Iím sleep deprived but is aunt Hilda cleaning her ears with rope?
Hilda- Itís mental-floss. It clears your mind, plus it gives you a quick burst of temporary knowledge.
She tugs at one end of the mental-floss and it whips out of her ear.
Zelda- Oh! I wish youíd do that in private.
Hilda- Of course! A male turkey is a tom! Thank you mental-floss.
Sabrina- Whoa-whoa-whoa! I believe that is a shortcut.
Hilda- Technically yes, but it gives your mind a minty-fresh feeling.
A sudden racket burst from above and they all look up at the ceiling.
Sabrina- Did Salem join a marching band?
Zelda- Anythingís possible. Yesterday he wanted to be a June Taylor dancer.
Int. Spellman Upstairs landing. Balloons and bunting in red, white and blue cover the walls and floor. Salem is sat in the linen basket with a pennant tied to his tail and a straw boater toping off his stars and stripes waistcoat. Zelda leads the witch parade up the stairs.
Salem- Itís election time in the Other Realm!
A man is at the linen closet door. He also has a very strong red, white and blue motif, from his top-hat to the tips of his coat-tails. A thick white beard lends character.
Uncle Roy- (To Sabrina) I want you... to vote!
He hands her an official sample ballot paper.
Uncle Roy- (To Hilda) I want you... to stop calling me.
He hands everyone a paper and leaves.
Sabrina- Was that uncle Sam?
Zelda- Er in the Other Realm heís known as uncle Roy. Weíre not sure why.
Sabrina- (Reading) Hey! Thereís a proposition that would make it legal to tell your mortal boyfriend about your magic! Itís too bad Iím not old enough to vote.
Zelda- Oh honey you are. In the Other Realm the voting age is seventeen.
Sabrina- Really? I feel so grown up.
She hurries off down stairs excited.
Sabrina- (Cont.) (Chanting) I get to vo-ote! I get to Vo-ote!
Salem- I donít
Hilda- Salem, youíre a convicted felon.
Zelda- Not to mention a cat.
They both head downstairs.
Salem- But I wanted to vote to change the pronunciation of Friday to Fridya.
Int. Spellman kitchen.
Sabrina- Hey if this boyfriend proposition passes, I can tell Harvey everything. Well except for the fact that I donít really care that Michael Jordan retired.
Hilda- And I can tell, my honey, Hank, that Iím a witch.
Zelda- Your first dates not until tonight, heís already your honey?
Hilda- Itís called optimism.
Sabrina- (Reading) Look, thereís an orientation this afternoon for first time voters. I get to chose a political party!
Zelda- Oh well I hope youíll join mine. The Social Democratic Do-gooder Party.
Hilda- No! Join my party. Itís called the Party Party. Our slogan is PARTY!!
Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrinaís at her locker while Valerie begs.
Valerie- Will you help me? Iím not a very good seamstress.
Sabrina- Well then it was kind of an odd choice for you to volunteer for the costume committee.
Valerie- Itís for the church play. Itís the lords work.
Sabrina- Okay, well Iím busy after school today but I can help you and the lord tomorrow.
Harvey joins them yawning.
Valerie- Your girlfriend is a saint.
Sabrina- Are you tired from working on your book report too?
Harvey- No, for once I finished early. Iím tired because...
He looks up and down the hallway before continuing.
Harvey- (Cont.) My moms in her third trimester. The babyís pushing against her bladder and the toilet flushingís keeping me up all night.
Sabrina- But I thought you made a bed out of fertiliser bags in the garage.
Harvey- I did, my dads using it. You know, I can tell you anything. I hope you feel the same way.
Sabrina- (To herself) I will... very soon.
Int. The new voters orientation meeting. The Other Realm. Uncle Roy presiding standing before a poster reading ĎPhillip S. Honigblum for Witches Councilí
Uncle Roy- All right everybody. Take a seat so we can talk about the issues. I assume that everyone here has figured out your families secret.
Sabrina- (Under her breath) What?!
Uncle Roy- (Cont.) Because as absolutely everyone knows, if you havenít solved your families secret, you canít vote.
Sabrina- (Not so under her breath) What?!!
Uncle Roy- (Cont.) So, just as a formality, letís have a show of hands. Those who have...
All bar Sabrina and the man sitting behind her raise their hands.
Uncle Roy- (Cont.) And those who havenít.
Sabrina reluctantly raises her hand as everyone looks round and mutters.
Sabrina- (To herself) Oh come on, I canít be the only one.
She turns to look around the room and spots the grey bearded, man of about 50 behind her with his hand up also.
50 Year Old Man- Iíve just about got it. Iíve started taking GinKobe. Want some?
Sabrina- No!... Are they chewable?
Int. Spellman living room. Hilda and Zelda relax on the settee.
Hilda- Zellie, will you do my hair? When we were young girls in our early hundreds I always liked the way you fixed it.
Zelda- Oh, all right.
She points giving her sister a piled-up, powdered renaissance hair-do with tight ringlets hanging down. Hilda admires it in her mirror.
Hilda- Oh I havenít worn this since I was almost beheaded.
Sabrina comes in.
Sabrina- Why didnít you guys tell me youíve to solve your family secret before you can vote?
Zelda- Well thatís new. You used to only have to know how to work a toaster.
Sabrina- What a surprise, a witch rule that works to my disadvantage.
Zelda- Sabrina donít worry, youíll figure out the family secret in time to vote. How many clues have you solved?
Sabrina- Wait a minute while I add them up... One!
Hilda- Sabrina, I had no idea you were so slow.
She gets a glare.
Hilda- (Cont.) I-I mean um behind.
Zelda- I think you could use a tutor.
Sabrina- Well thatís not a bad idea, Iím really ready to buckle down. Bring on a professional.
Int. Sabrinaís bedroom. Sabrina sits with her new tutor. Heís written his name on the chalk-board and taps it with his extendible pointer.
Salem- Hello, Iím Mr. Saberhagen and you may refer to me as... Mr. Saberhagen.
Sabrina- Why did I end up with you as my tutor?
Salem- Hey, I solved my families secret with only two clues. Now letís turn to the puzzle-board.
They turn to find that the puzzle-board has become an extension to Sabrinaís wardrobe. Skirts, dresses and scarves are draped over it obscuring the clues.
Salem- (Cont.) Letís remove the dirty clothes from the puzzle-board. Itís not a Stairmaster young lady.
Sabrina clears the clothes away by tossing them on the floor.
She points at the superhero figure.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Well I know this clue. Spellman. So the family secret must be about us!
Salem- Look out Harvard. Letís begin at the beginning. First clue, what is it?
She looks at the picture of a house with exotic birds in it.
Salem- Chickens? DO THEY LOOK LIKE CHICKENS?!! Next clue. Okay, ĎMí plus a picture of fire.
Sabrina- ĎMí plus fire? Iíve got it! Mfire!
Salem- Right! Mfire! That makes so much sense. Letís use it in a sentence. Run! Run! The house is on mfire.
Sabrina- Iíve got a better one. Youíre mfired.
Salem- You canít mfire me! I mquit!
Int. Spellman kitchen. The toaster pings.
Zelda- Oh, more campaign flyers. (reading) Yes, Iím definitely voting to save the magical ping. Who wanna change it to a ding?
Hilda- Me, Iím sick of the ping. Iíd love to hear a ding.
Zelda- But a ping has such a ring.
Hilda- The ding has zing!
Zelda- I canít discuss politics with you.
She leaves in a huff.
Int. Spellman living room. Hildaís date has arrived and is settled on the settee with a martini.
Hilda- So Hank, tell me about you.
Hank- Well letís see. I collect jaguars.
Hilda- Jaguars? Be right back.
Hank- Sure, foxy lady.
She gets up preening and nips out of sight. Thereís a squeaking sound reminiscent of mental-floss being pulled through ears. Hilda returns.
Hilda- All right. Okay, what were we talking about? Oh yes, Jaguars. Díyou know that my favourite is the Vicarage with the three point four litre XK engine with four speed transmission and electric overdrive that...
Hank- (Interrupting) Hilda! I collect jaguars, as in cats.
Hilda- Oh. Be right back.
Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. Sabrina sits frustrated as she struggles to unravel her puzzle board. Sheís getting nowhere.
Sabrina- (To herself) Urgh! Iíll just have to go back to Salem and grovel.
Mrs. Quick passes and glances down at the sheet of paper Sabrinaís working on.
Mrs. Quick- Oh a brain-teaser! (Reading) ĎHeart minus ĎLíí Heart means love and love minus the ĎLí would be ove. Huh!
She walks on. Sabrina quickly grabs up her bag and paper to follow.
Sabrina- Thanks. My grovelling days are over.
Int. Algebra classroom. Sabrina follows Mrs. Quick in.
Sabrina- Mrs. Quick. I was just wondering how you solved that clue so fast?
Mrs. Quick- Well actually...
She looks around to check that no-one else will overhear.
Mrs. Quick- (Cont.) Iím addicted to game shows.
Sabrina- Well, at least itís legal.
Mrs. Quick- I went to a twelve-step meeting for help. It was fun, they gave you clues and you had to solve them to find when and where the meetings were held. It wasnít the best way to kick the habit.
Sabrina- Oh well Iíve got this new game at home. Itís called um Guess the family secret. Do you wanna come over and try it?
Mrs. Quick- Well I really shouldnít. Itís been a long, hard road staying clean.
Sabrina- Oh well come on, you can always be a social game player.
Mrs. Quick- Well I usually watch ĎLittle Houseí re-runs after school but what the heck. I have them all on DVD.
Int. School hallway. Valerie runs into Sabrina as she comes out of the classroom followed by Mrs. Quick.
Valerie- Hey Sabrina, are you ready to help me with my costumes?
Sabrina- Oh-no, I totally forgot! I made other plans.
Mrs. Quick- Oh okay Sabrina, Iíll meet you at your house. I canít wait to see your new game.
Valerie- Youíre having Mrs. Quick over to play?
Sabrina looks for an out, and finds one.
He comes over.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Youíd do anything for me right?
Harvey- Iím not feathering my hair again.
Sabrina- No, I want you to help Valerie out with her costumes.
Harvey- (To Valerie) What can I do?
Int. School classroom. later. Harveyís thinking that he should really work on saying no. Valerie has him dressed in a pinafore dress as she pins the hem up.
Harvey- (Under his breath) I am not going to twirl.
Int. Spellman living room. Zelda has the witches channel on the TV and itís all about the elections. Hilda is getting ready to go out.
TV- Vote yes on prop. two million and two, itís time to stop the growing abuse of mental-floss. Paid for by the witches who want to stop the growing abuse of mental-floss.
Hilda- Thatís ridicules. Thatíll never pass.
Zelda- It will if I have something to say about it. Mental-floss encourages lazy habits and even your mind is a terrible thing to waste. Iím going right now to campaign for the cause.
Hilda- It is every witches right to floss and I will fight for that right with every fibre of my being, but first... another date with Hank.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Salemís on the table enjoying a banana while reading a magazine. Sabrina enters through the back door.
Sabrina- Salem, are my aunts home?
Salem- Hilda and Zelda have left the building.
Sabrina- Excellent, keep watch and warn me if they come home.
Salem- Oow! Throwiní a crazy party, complete with trash-can punch and spit swapping?
Sabrina- No, Iím having my algebra teacher over.
Salem- (Laughing) Yeah right! How pathetic would that be?
He gets a glare.
Salem- (Cont.) Oh, youíre serious.
Thereís a knock at the back door.
Mrs. Quick- Yoo-hoo!
Sabrina- Oh, come on in.
Mrs. Quick enters.
Mrs. Quick- A cat!... eating a banana! How strange.
Sabrina- Oh er heís part chimp on his mothers side. Wait here, Iíll go and set up the game.
Int. Spellman living room. A point from Sabrina clears away the furniture and sets up the puzzle-board, two stands with buzzers and the contestants names on them. A podium for the host, a beautiful game show girl in a spangley red dress, a large neon sign reading ĎGuess The Family Secretí, A disembodied voice and canned applause.
Announcer- Mrs. Quick, come on down!
Mrs. Quick comes into to rousing applause.
Mrs. Quick- This is the best at-home version Iíve ever seen!
Sabrina- Okay, well letís take our places and get started.
Sabrina stands in front of the stand that reads ĎSabrinaí and Mrs. Quick at the one the reads (Youíve guessed it) ĎMrs. Quickí She canít resist pressing the buzzer.
Mrs. Quick- Is this a genuine Goodson Todman buzzer?
Sabrina- Letís get started, we donít know how much time weíve got.
Mrs. Quick- Look at the microphone! <gasp!> Look at my name!
Sabrina- Look at the clues!
Mrs. Quick- Thereís even a glass of water! Neat.
She takes a sip.
Sabrina- (Under her breath) Iíve gotta move things along.
She points again.
Announcer- And here our host. Monty Hall!
Wild applause greets Monty as he walks to the podium and Mrs. Quick nearly chokes on an ice-cube.
Monty Hall- Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Mrs. Quick- Monty Ha-a-all!!!
Sabrina- I paid a little extra.
Monty Hall- Itís time to guess the family secret. Letís solve the puzzle, but before we do, a word with our contestants. Er Mrs. Quick, tell us something about yourself.
Mrs. Quick- Well, I was born in Terrahote, Indiana and a lot of people donít know this Monty, but itís the stewed fruit capital of the United States.
Sabrina- (Interrupting) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! First clue!
Monty Hall- Look, I didnít take that from little old ladies in chicken suits so Iím not gonna take it from you. Right, first clue. Sabrina?
Sabrina presses her buzzer.
Mrs. Quick- Hmm, birds in a house? Er bird-house would be too obvious, so what else do you call it? Oh! An aviary!
Mrs. Quick- Yeah, but aviary doesnít make any sense so it must be a word that sounds like aviary. Oh!
She hits her buzzer.
Mrs. Quick- Every!
Thereís a tinkling bell and enthusiastic applause, especially from Sabrina, as Mrs. Quick does a little victory dance.
Monty Hall- Next clue. Now, Sabrina?
Sabrina hits her buzzer.
Mrs. Quick- Now let me see. ĎMí plus ĎFireí Eq...
Everyone freezes except Sabrina and Zelda who comes round the ĎGuess The Family Secretí sign.
Sabrina- Aunt Zelda! Youíre just in time for the bonus round.
Later. Sabrina shows Mrs. Quick out of the front door.
Mrs. Quick- Well canít we finish the game? I've got that fever! Iím hot!
Sabrina closes the door and tries to slip off upstairs.
Sabrina- Okay, well Iíll just get started on that novel.
Darn! It didnít work.
Zelda- (Cont.) What were you thinking?
Sabrina- That I could avoid this ugly scene thatís about to happen.
Zelda- Sabrina, using a shortcut to solve your families secret can have serious consequences.
Sabrina- I just want to be able to vote! And Mrs. Quick is really lonely.
Zelda- You leave me no choice but to punish you. To learn the error of her ways, no shortcuts for one... days.
Zelda gestures and thereís a magical ping.
Sabrina- And might I say, nice rhyme.
Zelda- That means no modern conveniences for twenty-four hours and if you try something like this again the Witches Council will intervene and theyíre a lot more strict than I am. Now clean up this mess.
Monty Hall- And I was hoping Family Secret would be going to syndication.
Int. Sabrinaís bedroom. The next morning. Salem climbs on top of the sleeping girl and kneads her butt with his claws.
Salem- Sabrina! Wake up! Come on, shake a leg! If I continue with this shiatsu youíll have to pay me.
Sabrina lifts her head from the pillow and looks out the window.
Sabrina- Oh! Itís so late!
She leaps out of bed.
Sabrina- (Cont.) How come my alarm didnít go off?
Salem- I believe an alarm clock would go under the umbrella of modern conveniences.
Sabrina- Oh so apperantly out forefathers were late for everything?
Later she hurries back into her room after taking a shower and reaches for her hair-drier. It vanishes.
Sabrina- Huh! Theyíve had hair-dryers since the seventies, theyíre not modern!
She looks in dismay at her stringy, wet locks in the mirror.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina rushes through, dressed but with damp hair.
Sabrina- (To herself) Iím late! Iím late!
She grabs the bowl of porridge from the table and takes it to the microwave to heat it. As she reaches for the door it vanishes. No porridge ding for Sabrina this morning.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Iím beginning to see a pattern here.
She runs out to the school bus struggling to put her other shoe on at the same time.
Int. Westbridge High School. Algebra class. Mrs. Quick has the class underway and is writing out an equation on the chalk board when Sabrina hurries in harassed.
She gets to her desk behind Valerie. Valerie turns to her.
Valerie- Hey, why werenít you on the bus this morning?
Sabrina- Itís a modern convenience... and Iím against them and for solar energy. Everybody with me?
Mrs. Quick- Sabrina, this is a very complicated equation, so Iím allowing the use of calculators.
Sabrina- Oh great.
She reaches into her book-bag, gets her calculator out and places it on her desk were it promptly vanishes.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Huh! Itís a good thing I donít have a pace-maker!
Int., School cafeteria. Harvey sits with Valerie whoís checking out some of her costumes.
Valerie- Iím still not happy with the dress. The bodice isnít right.
Harvey- Youíre telling me, I look like a house in it.
Valerie- I need you for one more fitting. Please!
Harvey- I canít! I have plans and they all involve me wearing pants.
Harvey- (Cont.) Hey Sabrina, after school, are we still on for The Slicery and pinball?
Sabrina- I canít, too modern. How about a rousing game of Mah Jong?
Valerie- Whatís this so anti-modern kick youíre on?
Sabrina- Oh if you call being concerned about this planet we call home a kick. Now if youíll excuse me, I have to find a buggy heading up-town.
Harvey- You know, sometimes I get the feeling Sabrina doesnít tell me everything.
Valerie- Well since you donít have anything to do after school.
Later. School classroom. Harveyís the model again as Valerie arranges the pinafore bow at his back.
Harvey- (Under his breath) I need to learn how to say no.
Int. School hallway. Mrs. Quick quickly pops her head out of her classroom when she sees Sabrina walk past.
Mrs. Quick- Sabrina, I need to speak with you.
Int. Algebra classroom. Sabrina follows Mrs. Quick inside.
Sabrina- Er Iím still working on that algebra equation.
Mrs. Quick- Oh who cares about that? I was up half the night working on the second clue to the family secret game.
At first sheís pleased but then recalls Zeldaís warning about the Witches Council.
Sabrina- (Cont.) I donít wanna talk about it!
Mrs. Quick- A real stumper but I think Iíve got it. ĎMí plus ĎFireí...
Sabrina- (Interrupting) No! I need to solve it myself! I donít wanna hear! humming!
She sticks her fingers in her ears and hums loudly.
Mrs. Quick- But-but itís all right here!
She shoves the piece of paper sheís been working it out on in front of Sabrinaís face. Sabrina gives a little scream and covers her eyes.
Sabrina- I canít see!
Mrs. Quick- (Disappointed) Oh. then I guess you donít wanna know.
Sabrina- Right, I donít wanna know.
Only she does desperately wanna know. She snatches the paper from Mrs. Quickís hand and runs from the room.
Int. School hallway. Sabrina stops running to look at the paper. As she does sheís enveloped on and turquoise light and vanishes.
Int. Log Cabin on the frontier. miles and years from the nearest 7eleven. Sabrina appears clutching the piece of paper but dressed in a pinafore dress similar to the one Valerie had been working on and a bonnet.
Disembodied Voice- No shortcuts.
She looks around herself at the plain wooden furniture and old wood-burning stove.
Sabrina- (To herself) Oh this canít be good. Apparently Iím on the lone prairie.
A door opens.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Maybe itís not so lone.
Another gingham clad woman enters with a broom
Sabrina- (Cont.) Mrs. Quick! (To herself) Oh-no, I guess she was an accomplice.
Mrs. Quick- Sabrina! What are you doing here?
Sabrina- Arenít you wondering what youíre doing here?
Mrs. Quick- Iím dreaminí, this is one of my favourites. Michael Landon should be along any minute.
Int. Election headquarters. The Other Realm. A riot is in progress and a news reporter pushes his way through the seething crowd of placard wavers with his microphone.
Reporter- Iím here at election headquarters where a very heated debate has erupted over mental-floss. Now arguing in favour of flossing is Hilda Spellman. Hilda Spellman has gone on record as saying ĎA vote against mental-floss would be a vote against family values.í Interestingly enough, arguing for the opposition is her sister, Zelda Spellman. Now Zelda...
Uncle Roy walks past the reporter and he brakes his commentary to get a word with the revered gentleman.
Reporter- Uncle Roy! Uncle Roy please could we have a word? What is your take on all this?
Uncle Roy- This mental-floss debate has turned into a smear campaign. Iíve never seen so much mud-slinging in my life!
On the far side of the hall two scantily clad women wrestle and slither around in a plastic pool full of mud.
Zelda- Hilda! Using mental-floss is a crime against nature!
Hilda- Get your knee out of my spine! Now!!
Ext. The little house on the prairie. Sabrinaís made a discovery. A toothless old man sits snoozing in a rocker on the porch and she gives the rocker a jerk to wake him. She nearly tips him over and he jerks awake with a yelp, his hat falling off.
Sabrina- Oh good, youíre up. Whatís the quickest way out oí here?
Old Man- If youíre looking for a shortcut, I donít know of any.
Sabrina- Oh, no shortcuts? So Iíve been sent to the prairie because back then shortcuts didnít exist. Are you here to explain thing?
Old Man- Well I am a guide. Have you got anything to eat?
Sabrina- Oh you want something to eat, I get it. So Iím supposed to make something from scratch without using shortcuts and then my punishmentíll be over and Iíll be zapped back, right?
Old Man- Iím a little deaf, so letís go with yes.
Mrs. Quick comes out of the cabin sweeping the floor.
Mrs. Quick- You know these dirt floors are really hard to get clean.
Sabrina- Mrs. Quick, Iím gonna make bread and butter from scratch.
Mrs. Quick- Oh thatís not how my dream usually goes, but okay.
The old time country fiddle of ĎThe hard wayí by Faith Hill starts up and plays over the following.
The cow stands patiently chewing the cud as Sabrina squeezes her nipples squirting milk into the rope handled wooden bucket. She mops her brow after handing the full bucket to Mrs. Quick who trips spilling the lot.
Sabrina uses a stone rolling-pin to grind the wheat into flour and scoops the finished product into a small pile. Mrs. Quick has been sat beside her watching and chooses that moment to sneeze. All gone.
Sabrina lifts the chicken but thereís no eggs. Mrs. Quick, ever the teacher, shows the chicken a drawing of an egg to give it the idea while Sabrina flaps her arms. Mrs. Quick shows the chicken a real egg but Sabrina just takes the one theyíve got and heads back to the house.
Getting the stove going is proving hard work as Sabrina works up a sweat pumping the bellows. But it pays off with a small flame bursting to life. She sits back on her heals with a satisfied smile just as Mrs. Quick enters bringing with her a gust of wind that blows out the flame.
More labour intensive chores for Sabrina in working the old milk churn for the butter but sheís improved her chances of success and improved her knot tying skills by tying Mrs Quick to the rocking-chair where she can do no harm.
The music fades.
Int. The little house on the prairie. The old man sits at the table with Mrs. Quick as Sabrina brings over a plate with the results of all her hard work.
Sabrina- Okay, I made home-made bread and butter with no shortcuts. (To Mrs. Quick) Weíre about to be sent back home.
Mrs. Quick- This is my dream and Iím not ready to go home. You know Sabrina, youíre kinda bossy.
The old man spreads the runny butter on the loaf.
Old Man- This breads got dirt on it.
Sabrina- Just eat it!
Mrs. Quick- (To the old man) This is exactly what Iím talking about.
She gives Sabrina a very un-Mrs. Quick like glare while the old man takes a bite.
Old Man- Thank you.
He takes his bread and butter and leaves.
Sabrina- But! That should oí worked!
The stove door drops open and a piece of burning wood pops sending a spark onto the hem of Sabrinaís dress.
Sabrina- Oh! Stupid embers... Hey! That clue wasnít fire! It was ember! ĎMí plus ĎEmberí equals ĎMemberí
Mrs. Quick- Thatís really good Sabrina. That makes much more sense than what I had, mfire.
Sabrina- (To the room in general) Okay, I figured it out by myself. Weíre ready to go!
Nothing happens except Mrs. Quick looks at her with raised eyebrows.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Big nothing.
Then something happens. The door opens and Valerie walks in clad in gingham and a bonnet followed by two other girls dressed for the time period.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Valerie?!
Mrs. Quick- Iíve never dreamed about two students before.
Valerie- Sabrina! You decided to help out after all. Is this a cool place for a church play?
The two other girls put up a banner over the hearth.
Valerie- (Reading) ĎPrayer-ee Daysí?
Mrs. Quick- Is Michael Landon with you?
The old man enters leading a group of Japanese tourists and elderly American spinsters who snap pictures as they move around the room.
Old Man- This authentic log-cabin is Westbridgeís only historical monument. Unless you count me.
Sabrina- Heís a tour guide!? Iíve been in Westbridge this whole time? I could have just walked home.
She sets off to do just that. Valerie and Mrs. Quick follow her outside.
Valerie- (Aside to Sabrina) What do you and Mrs. Quick talk about?
Outside she runs into another girl dressed for the period. Sheís a big-boned lass with a cute matching gingham bonnet. She turns to Sabrina.
Sabrina- Okay, why is my boyfriend wearing a bonnet?
Valerie- Heís filling in for Mrs. Bowgill, the pastorís wife.
Harvey- Of all days for her to have an allergic reaction to corn.
Mrs. Quick- Iíve never dreamed about three students before, Iím beginning to feel my life is empty.
Sabrina- Er Mrs. Quick, come with me.
She leads Mrs. Quick out of sight of the others.
Sabrina- This teachers blue and needs a lift, for all her trouble hereís a gift.
She points at Mrs Quick who vanishes.
Int. Westbridge High School Algebra classroom. Mrs. Quick lifts her head from the desk-top.
Mrs. Quick- (To herself) Mmm, what a wonderful dream. Alone with Harrison Ford, dancing in the gardens of Versailles... Go back to sleep.
She lowers her once more and closes her eyes.
Mrs. Quick- (Cont.) Go back to sleep.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina enters still in her period dress to find two mud caked aunts sitting at the table. She doesnít bat an eye.
Sabrina- Iím tired and Iím filthy.
Hilda- We know the feeling.
Sabrina- Where have you guys been?
Zelda- The campaign trail.
Hilda- Oh sure we indulged in a little mud slinging but the tips were great!
Zelda- So how was life on the prairie?
Sabrina- You knew about that?!
Hilda- We had to sign the release form.
Zelda- Lucky for you the Witches Council were so busy with the election, they didnít have time to send you back to the real prairie.
Sabrina- Oh, so youíre trying to sugar-coat the fact that they took a shortcut!
Hilda- Oh! That reminds me, I need to floss before I go vote.
Zelda- Not to mention shower.
Sabrina- Me first! Iíve touched parts of animals you wouldnít put in sausage.
Int. Polling station, the Other Realm. Zelda and Hilda wait in line to vote. Hilda is not happy.
Hilda- I canít remember anything about the issues!
Zelda- Well weíve been standing in line so long, your mental-floss has probably worn off. I, on the other hand, couldnít be more ready to vote.
Hilda- Well then Iíll just re-floss. Itís still legal you know.
She steps out of the line to floss as they reach the end. Zelda goes to a booth to cast her vote accompanied by the squeak of floss passing through Hildaís mind.
Hilda- (Cont.) (To herself) Now Iím an informed voter once again.
She steps back into the line just as Uncle Roy puts the a chain across the booths with a sign saying ĎPolls Closedí
Hilda- (Cont.) Oh! Democracy blows!
Int. Spellman living room. The puzzle-board is set up and Sabrina reviews what she knows for Hilda.
Sabrina- So far Iíve got ĎEvery member of the Spellmaní Iím getting there. Whatís the rush? I didnít get to vote anyway.
Zelda rushes in.
Zelda- Hey, the election results are on.
She switches on the TV.
Hilda- I wonder if mental-floss got voted out?
Reporter- Miriam Trossock, two fifty-two: Turvey Terceck, two forty-four.
Hilda- Oh that stinks!
Reporter- And this just in. The ĎTell a mortal boyfriendí proposition has failed.
Sabrina- Thank you very much, now Harveyís gonna continue thinking heís losing his mind forever.
Hilda- Letís not beat ourselves up. Iím sure our votes wouldnít have mattered.
Reporter- What a close race! One vote in favour would have called for a run-off. Two votes would have won it.
Hilda- I donít know whatís worse, that we lost or that Zelda gets to gloat?
Sabrina- That aunt Zelda gets to gloat.
Zelda- Well Iím not gloating. There are some propositions that passed that Iím very unhappy about.
Salem jumps up onto the cupboard behind the settee.
Salem- Did you hear the good news?!
Salem- Thank God itís Fridya!
Later. Zelda sits alone reading the book that Sabrina has left lying on the settee.
Zelda- (To herself) Oh Iíd forgotten how much I love this book.
She turns the page.
Zelda- (Cont.) Oh-no! This chapters missing!
She puts the book down and calls out.
Zelda- (Cont.) Iím going to the library! (To Herself) Oh what the heck.
She points at herself and vanishes.
Ext. A dark and misty night on the desolate moors. A figure comes through the fog.
Zelda- Heathcliff! Heathcliff!
She rounds a moss covered tree.
Hilda- Looking for a chapter?
She waves the pages from the book.
Sabrina- Taking a shortcut?
Zelda- It was a mistake! Iím on the moors because I was looking for... Roger Moor.
Hilda and Sabrina look at each other and smile.
Zelda- (Cont.) Dudley Moor? Oh alright, I took a shortcut.
Salem- (To Sabrina) You told me we were going for ice-cream.