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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Sabrina's Real World

Written By - Charlie Tercek
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Libby - Jenna Liegh Green
Mr. Kraft - Martin Mull
Sid Wolff - Alex Rocco
Mrs. Quick - Mary Gross
T.V. Announcer - Stu Nahan
Bryce - Steven M. Porter
British Guy - Adrian Neil
Mailman - Sean Moran
Publicity Person - Sonya Y. Maddox
Contest Winner - Hope Levy

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina and Salem are having a quiet night in watching TV.

T.V. Announcer- Stay tuned, you’re just eight hours away from an all new episode of ‘When good witches go bad.’

Salem- I can write better stuff than this garbage.

T.V. Announcer- What are you calling garbage? You don’t know the first thing about television.

Salem- Oh so that would qualify me to be your boss.

T.V. Announcer- Oh yeah? We interrupt this regularly scheduled program... to beat you up!

The announcer starts to climb over his desk towards the screen.

Salem- Yikes! First Cokie Roberts and now him?!

As the announcer climbs out of the TV, Salem jumps from the settee and makes a run for it. The announcer chases him.

Sabrina- I thought the V-chip was supposed to prevent this sort of thing.

Run opening credits.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda enters to find Hilda uncharacteristically studying.

Zelda- What’s all this?

She pick up some of the books from the counter.

Zelda- (Cont.)(Reading) ‘Two hundred Mexican dishes for lovers’? ‘Corn, the sensuous vegetable’? ‘Soufflé Okay’?

Hilda- I'm cooking dinner with Bryce. You know, that guy I met at the book store.

Zelda- What were you doing at a book store?

Hilda- Trying to meet guys.

Sabrina comes down stairs ready for school.

Sabrina- Okay, I’m a little concerned. Salem’s in my bedroom with a guy who called him Babe.

Zelda- Oh that’s the TV producer from the Witch Channel. Salem’s pitching him ideas for a new show.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem sits facing the smooth and smarmy looking producer called Sid Wolff, across a leather toped desk. The producers secretary takes notes in shorthand beside him.

Salem- Picture this, a crusty but loveable dictator who inherits an orphanage. We’ll call it ‘El Douche and the kids’

Sid- Oh come on! People hate stuff about the mindless swaying of the masses. Our focus groups proved this.

Salem- A workplace comedy set in a petting zoo? Bible stories, dramatised by a troop of sock puppets?

Sid- It’s been really nice meeting you Saberhagen.

Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Excuse me, your office is on my jacket.

She picks up the jacket and leaves. Sid watches her go with interest.

Salem- I know! How about a cat who lives with a teenage witch? The catch is, the witch is half mortal.

Sid- I like it!... except for the cat part.

Salem- The same here.

Sid- I see this as a documentary type of show. You know, hidden cameras where we can capture her every waking moment.

Salem- Are you a mind-reader?

Sid- Saberhagen, if this shows a hit, you’re going to be a rich man.

Salem- Say that again... s-l-o-w-e-r.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway Libby walks down the hallway and passes a happy looking Mr. Kraft.

Mr. Kraft- Libby.

Libby- Yes, Mr. Kraft?

Mr. Kraft- Libby, it seems that no one has volunteered to be school safety monitor.

Libby- You don’t expect me to do that dorky job? The biggest loser in school wouldn’t do it.

Mr. Kraft- Well as secretary of the student council you get to appoint anyone you like.

Libby- Anyone?

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem and Sid are watching TV. On it is a petite blonde girl looking exceptionally dorky in a too small fluorescent orange hard-hat and a matching sash. She’s standing in the middle of a hallway waving her arms like an air stewardess pointing out the emergency exits.

Sabrina- Please proceed with caution. This is a hallway not the autobahn.

Printed across the sash is the word ‘safety’

Sid- She’s a safety monitor! Why don’t we just put a black dot on her forehead and call her an untouchable?

Salem- Maybe we can save it in an auditer?

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Mr. Kraft comes up to Sabrina who’s still directing hallway traffic.

Mr. Kraft- You know Sabrina, regarding that gum on the floor. I still feel that you should put a few pillions around it. You know I ran a much tighter ship when I was safety monitor.

He walks off.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.)(Under his breath) Despite the savage beatings.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda has a dilemma.

Hilda- Zellie, you have got to help me decide which one of these belts to wear at my dinner with Bryce tomorrow. I’ve narrowed it down to these fifteen.

They’re in a pile on the table.

Zelda- Oh good lord! Look at this one.

It a wide red one with a huge oval, garish, jewelled and spangley buckle.

Hilda- Say, that’s my favourite too.

She takes it from her sister and tries it on.

Hilda- (Cont.) I got it at the Other Realm outlet mall. It really brings out my eyes huh?

Zelda- If your eyes were a frightening shade of purple.

Hilda- Speaking of frightening, you should see my mother-in-law. They said she’s as ugly as sin. Sin sued.

She claps her hands and there’s a b-bum of a drum.

Zelda- Hilda, you don’t have a mother-in-law.

Hilda- You’re right. Not so much a mother-in-law as a big tub of goo. A tub that said I don’t make enough money. A-ha! <B-bum> What’s going on?

Zelda- I don’t know, maybe it has something to do with this belt.

They try to unfasten it without success.

Hilda- I can’t get it off!

Zelda finds something on the back of it.

Zelda- Oh-no Hilda! It’s a borsht-belt. It won’t come off until you’ve told a million jokes.

Hilda- A million jokes?! Oh! Well then I should tell you about my ex-wife. I took her everywhere. It was easier than having to kiss her good bye. <B-bum> Help me!

Zelda- I could try to get you a job opening for Marilyn McKoo.

The toaster pings and Zelda retrieves the message.

Zelda- (Cont.) What now? Oh Hilda, I’m sorry but I’ve been summoned to the Other Realm. I’ll be back to help you as soon as I can. Meanwhile, don’t quit your day job.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem’s on the phone.

Salem- No-no! Don’t cancel it. I promise Sabrina’s not always dull.

Sabrina enters still wearing the hard-hat and safety monitors sash. Salem hangs up.

Salem- (Cont.) Hey, you’re home for lunch. Do you wanna go ski-diving?

Sabrina- I just wanna put my feet up, eat some cereal and summon the strength to get through the rest of the school day.

Salem- I know what would be relaxing. Juggling steak-knives.

She gives him a ‘huh’ look.

Salem- (Cont.) Or we could just talk. Teen pregnancy, what are your thoughts?

Sabrina- Well I’m against teen pregnancy but I’m for you juggling steak-knives.

She heads for the stairs.

Salem- (To himself) Well at least she exited with a joke.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina comes up the stairs just as the linen closet activates. She stops to see who’s calling. The door opens with an eirie creak, a spooky mist shrouds the dark figure that’s slowly emerging. It’s black, cowled robe conceals it’s features as the base of the long handles scythe clicks ominously on the floor. Death has come to visit the Spellman household. Sabrina screams in terror.

Sabrina- The grim reaper!

She screams again.

The Grim Reaper- No! Stop!

The voice of the soul reaver does not posses the thunderous tones of gravestones clashing together. In fact it’s rather effeminate.

The Grim Reaper- (Cont.) It’s me, aunt Zelda. The grim part is, this material doesn’t breath.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina and her aunt, with the cowl thrown back, sit together on the chaise-lounge.

Zelda- I’m so sorry I scared you dear. Every witch has to do this at some point. It’s like jury duty without the free donuts.

Sabrina- I just find it unsettling that my aunt goes around telling people it’s time to die. Wait a minute! That’s not why you’re here talking to me is it?!

Zelda- No. N-n-n-n-n-n-n-no. You’ve got it all wrong. This is merely a service for witches who don’t take bad news well. Like an IRS audit or a particularly nasty boil. We break it to them gently.

Sabrina- But why the outfit?

Zelda- Tradition.

Sabrina- And the traditional clip-board?

Zelda- Well we give them a receipt for tax purposes.

Zelda’s traditional message pager goes off.

Zelda- (Cont.) Oh well duty calls. Someone’s about to bounce a cheque.

Int. Westbridge High School. Algebra class. Libby has a problem.

Libby- Mrs. Quick, I can’t see because of the glare from Sabrina’s sash.

Mrs. Quick- Class please, I don’t want to hear anyone making fun of how stupid Sabrina looks.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem’s back on the phone.

Salem- Look! I’d swear on my mothers grave... okay, my mothers condo. ‘Sabrina’s World’ is gonna get much more exciting. I can’t tell ya how exactly but let's just say it involves a whole lot o’ blood.

Hilda enters and Salem quickly ends the call.

Hilda- Salem, can you pick this clasp with your claws?

Salem- That was Sabrina. She forgot something really important for chemistry class.

Hilda- What is it?

Salem- Erm, a barrel of nuclear waste.

Hilda waves her finger.

Int. Westbridge High School. Algebra class. Sabrina sits forlorn with her bright orange hard-hat on the desk when a huge puff of smoke clears to reveal... Erm, a barrel of nuclear waste. the forty-five gallon drum bubbles giving off toxic fumes as it eradiates a city block. Sabrina gives a little scream.

Mrs. Quick- Is that nuclear waste?

Sabrina- According to the label.

Harvey- But the labels burning because... it’s leaking!

Mrs. Quick- Oh my!

Libby- (To Sabrina) You’re the safety monitor, what do we do?

First things first. Sabrina puts on her hard hat. It might stop a few hairs falling out.

Sabrina- Er. Okay, everybody stay calm, get in single file and run for your lives!

The classroom clears in seconds.

Int. School hallway. Sabrina leads a little procession while students press themselves flat against the walls. Two men in hazardous-material suits follow her wheeling out the nuclear waste drum.

Sabrina- It’s okay everyone, just a little minor radiation. None of us wanted to have kids anyway, right?

Mr. Kraft- Oh very disappointing Miss Spellman. In my day, safety monitors cleaned up toxic spills themselves and I’ve got the lesions to prove it.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem answers the phone.

Salem- Y’ello?

Sabrina- Salem, it’s Sabrina. Something strange is going on.

Zelda enters.

Salem- Good! I-I mean Sabrina’s not here.

He cuts her off.

Zelda- Well I’m out o’ here. I’ve got to drop off some dry-cleaning and tell a guy about his prostate.

Salem- Oh that reminds me. Sabrina called, she er needs to get her grey dress cleaned.

Zelda- Oh.

Ever helpful she twirls her finger.

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. Sabrina’s just walking in when the grey dress she happens to be wearing vanishes on it’s way to the cleaners leaving her wearing just her slip. The unfortunate part is that the fluorescent hard hat and sash haven’t also vanished. With a scream of horror she clutches her arms about her self and dashes from the cafeteria past Mr. Kraft. He watches her go shaking his head.

Mr. Kraft- (To himself) Next year, uniforms.

Int. Spellman living room. A shrub enters wearing Sabrina’s head.

Sabrina- Anyone home? Anyone who happened to see my clothes?

She walks past the settee where the TV has been left on.

Sabrina- (Cont.)(Pleased) Hey, I’m on TV. (Horrified) I’m on TV? People are probably watching this right now! And I’m wearing a shrubbery! SALEM!! First things first. No mortals around.

She points at herself. Instant cloths.

Sabrina- (Cont.) And now to eliminate the cat.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina comes upstairs looking for Salem. As she passes on her way to her bedroom she spots the mail bags by the linen closet. They’re bulging and the mailman adds another to the pile.

Sabrina- What’s all this?

Mailman- Your fan-mail.

She opens a letter.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘I love your show. Is it hard to drool that much while you’re sleeping?’ Gross!

Mailman- Is it?

Sabrina- I have an overbite!

Mailman- All right! All right!

He turns to the camera.

Mailman- (Cont.) Hey mom!

Holds up his hands showing the victory sign.

Mailman- (Cont.) No nukes!

He smiles and leaves. Sabrina frowns, then hears a groan coming from her bedroom.

Sabrina- Salem? Someone better be harming you.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom.

Salem- Oh yes! Oh-oh very good. Oh right there! Sven, of all the perks I’ve gotten from this television show, you’re my favourite.

Sven digs his thumbs into Salem’s tense muscles. His powerful and skilled masseuse hands ease the kinks making Salem purr.

Salem- (Cont.) In fact, you’re officially in my entourage.

With his eyes closed in pleasure he doesn’t see Sabrina enter and signal for the big Swede to move aside. She starts to karate chop across Salem’s back a little too vigorously.

Salem- (Cont.) Oh yeah, here we go. It’s a little rough Sven. Hey!

He opens his eyes.

Salem- (Cont.) Sabrina!

Sabrina- Oh! Then you obviously haven’t been watching TV.

Salem- Oh, you found out huh?

Sabrina- Yeah. Salem, how many people watched me hawk up a phlegm-ball this morning?

Salem- Morning is a low viewing time, so I’d say not more than... millions.

Sabrina- Millions?!

Salem- You’re a huge star! Especially in prisons.

Sabrina- This stops now! I don’t now where you’ve hidden your cameras but I want them gone, understand?

There’s a flash of negativity that heralds the arrival of Sid Wolff, the producer. He holds a thick sheath of paper in his hand.

Sid- Sorry sweetie, I own the rights to your life. I’ve got a contract...

He puts the papers down on Salem’s massage table.

Sid- ...and it’s iron clad.

He gestures towards it and magical chains appear binding it fastened with a huge padlock.

Sabrina- I didn’t sign anything!

Sid- No, but the cat did.

Salem- <Sob!>

Sid- Oh go ahead and try to fight it. By the time it’ll reach the courts we’ll be watching your dotage.

Salem- (Sob!) Would you like a herbal wrap?

Sabrina buries her head in her hands.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda lifts the welding-mask she’s wearing as she tries to remove Hilda’s belt.

Zelda- I’m sorry Sabrina. If the contract is iron clad, there is no way out.

Hilda- How about a marriage contract? My husband says that marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence. <B-bum>

Sabrina- Husband?

Zelda- It’s a long story. You know I’ve heard of television shows getting cancelled when their ratings are lousy but short of that happening, you’re sunk.

Sabrina- Hey, great idea. I’ll just make my show unbearably dull. That way no-one’ll watch it and it’ll get yanked.

Hilda- Watch out young lady. With that approach, some day you’ll run your own network. <B-bum>

The doorbell rings.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina comes through and answers the door. It’s Harvey. He’s dishevelled, dirty and a little scorched round the edges.

Sabrina- Harvey, what happened?! I’m sure it was very dull.

Harvey- D’you remember when I went to the mall to buy socks?

Sabrina- Yes, great topic. So did you go with all cotton or the wool-poly blend?

Harvey- Believe it or not, that wasn’t the exiting part. On the way to the mall I rescued this family from a burning building.

Sabrina- I see, well um so back to the socks.

Harvey- And there I was eating a Mr. Slushy when suddenly I heard someone cry for help.

Hilda- (OS) Aw-aw-aw-aw! Does that welding torch have to be so hot?! Ouch! Aw!

Sabrina- Oh er what size was your slushy?

Harvey- Shouldn’t we go see if whoever was screaming in terror can be helped?

Sabrina- Oh she’s... just memorising her lines. Community theatre. Ha!

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sid has set up office again and watches Sabrina’s World with Salem.

Salem- This-this-this dullness thing wont last. Sabrina will break.

Sid- She’d better.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda comes through on her way to work.

Zelda- Okay kids, I’m off.

Harvey turns to see a blonde grim reaper headed up the stairs.

Zelda- (Cont.) Somebody’s got asbestos in his crawl-space.

Harvey- Is that your aunt dressed like the grim reaper?

Sabrina- Yes, she’s in the same play.

Thunder rumbles upstairs and the room quickly fills with the flash of cameras and the excited babble of a dozen Sabrina Show fans.

Contest winner- There she is! There she is! It’s teenage Sabrina! Smile.

Another burst of flash bulbs leaves Sabrina and Harvey blinking.

Sabrina- Oh, why these are the other members of the theatre company. They must be having a dress rehearsal.

She grabs Harvey’s hand and drags him towards the door as more fans come down the stairs.

Harvey- What play are they doing?

Sabrina- Er. Two gentleman of Verona

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina’s back in her safety monitor role guiding traffic safely through the hallways. Rush hours over as a lone vehicle comes past with a blotchy face.

Sabrina- Mrs. Quick, what happened to your face?

Mrs. Quick- Oh Sabrina, remember when I told you that peas were the one vegetable I wasn’t allergic to? I was horribly wrong. Would you like to hear about my near death experience?

Sabrina- No! Actually I’d rather talk to you about... Jello!

Mrs. Quick- But I saw God.

The school doors open and students applaud Harvey the hero as he enters.

Harvey- Guess what? After school the mayors gonna give me a medal. D’ya wanna ride in the limo with me?

Sabrina- Harvey, do you mind? We were having a conversation about jello. (To Mrs. Quick) I’m a lime girl myself.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. The shows going down the tubes fast.

Sid- Saberhagen, our ratings are plummeting. We’ve gotta do something.

Salem- Add a laugh track?

Int. Spellman kitchen. The chain saw breaks against the impervious belt strap.

Zelda- Ough! That thing wont budge.

Hilda- Like my husbands hand on his wallet. <B-bum> Zellie, what am I gonna do? Bryce will be here any minute.

Zelda- Maybe he wont have a sense of humour and he’ll find you funny.

Hilda- Zelda, there’s something that I haven’t told you about Bryce. He’s short. Really short. Why he’s so short he has to reach up to tie his shoes. <B-bum>

Zelda- Oh my, he’s gonna be a joke magnet.

Hilda- Help!

Zelda- Okay, well how about if I stay for dinner and do all the talking for you?

Hilda- Oh, that would be great... except you look like death.

Zelda- Oh right, well I’ll just tell him it’s religious garb.

Hilda- Zellie, what would I do without you... besides throw one heck of a party. <B-bum>

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. Sabrina passes time in the most dull way she can imagine.

Sabrina- Two hundred and seventy-seven. Two hundred and seventy-eight. Two hundred and seventy-nine. Two hundred and eighty.

Harvey- Sabrina, will you please stop counting the ceiling tiles?

Sabrina- Now you’ve made me mess up. <Sigh>

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sid looks in real pain as he watches Sabrina’s World.

Sabrina- One. Two. Three. Four.

Sid- Ceiling tiles huh?

Sabrina- Five. Six.

Sid- There is no way I am letting this show get cancelled.

Sabrina- Eight. Nine.

Sid- I haven’t had a hit since ‘Make room for Nostrodamus’

Sabrina- Twelve. Thirteen.

Salem- I found that very predictable.

Sabrina- Fifteen.

Sid- You did?

Well Salem didn’t predict Sid’s next move. He points at the TV.

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. The doors burst open and a gale practically blows Libby off her feet and she grabs the hem of her skirt to stop it being blown up. Mrs. Kraft of blown into the room.

Mr. Kraft- There’s a twister in the hallway!

The students scream in fright. Mrs. Quick gets to her feet.

Mrs. Quick- Head for the root cellar!

Sabrina and Harvey- Huh?

Mrs. Quick- Sorry, I’m from the mid-west.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) I just know Salem’s behind this.

Students make their way to the doors against the strong winds.

Harvey- Come on! Aren’t you gonna help?

Sabrina- Oh a tornadoes just like a cold. You just have to let it run its course.

As the entire school panics Sabrina sits calmly eating her lunch and counting ceiling tiles.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sid’s very disappointed.

Sid- She’s just sitting there.

Salem- Yep, I’m riveted.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda enters with some bad news for Hilda.

Zelda- Hilda, Bryce is here. He wanted me to warn you, he’s misplaced his toupee.

Bryce follows Zelda in. He’s short and bald and waves to Hilda.

Bryce- Hi Hilda.

Hilda- Hi Bryce, a pool-hall called...

She clamps her hand over her mouth.

Zelda- That’s er quite a cough you’ve got there Hilda. (To Bryce) I’m afraid Hilda’s picked up a nasty virus that prevents her from talking.

Bryce- Laryngitis?

Zelda- Much worse.

Bryce- Oh, ‘cause my family has a home remedy. We’re-we’re Polish you know.

Hilda clamps her jaws shut and fights the urge.

Zelda- Easy girl.

The traditional message pager goes off

Zelda- (Cont.) I’m afraid I have to run a small errand.

Hilda grabs her desperately and shakes her head.

Zelda- (Cont.)(To Bryce) Another symptom, I’ll be right back.

She grabs her traditional clip-board and traditional scythe.

Zelda- (Cont.)(To Hilda) Whatever he says, don’t talk.

She leaves.

Bryce- Okay, be brutal. How do I look without the hair-piece?

In desperation Hilda crams a muffin into her mouth.

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. The students have barricaded the doors with chairs and tables. Sabrina sits unconcerned chewing a hang-nail.

Mrs. Quick- Mr. Kraft, what are we going to do?

Mr. Kraft- Well why don’t we ask our safety monitor?

Sabrina- Oh, well we could talk about... jello.

The algebra teacher, the vice-principle and Harvey look at her as though she’s insane while she wobbles some jello on a spoon.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sid has other tricks up his... um finger.

Sid- Rule number one of television, when things get slow, add conflict.

He points at the TV. On screen a fresh wave of panic runs through the students when the whole room begins to shake violently.

Salem- But not the kind of conflict that requires reconstructive surgery?

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. Sabrina struggles to maintain her air of calm.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) I will not let this be exciting.

She picks up her jello dessert and takes a spoonful. The shaking stops.

Harvey- Was that an earthquake?

Sabrina- Or a big truck, it is trash day.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom.

Salem- Just thinking out loud here but is this such a good idea? If something should happen to our star, I could have a few really uncomfortable weeks at home.

Sid gives him a ‘D’ya think I care’ glare.

Salem- (Cont.) Not that I don’t like good TV.

Sid- I haven’t had this much trouble with a star since Gentle Ben.

He points angrily at the TV. On screen it’s clear that the first earthquake was just a warm up for the big one. Many of the ceiling tiles that Sabrina had so carefully counted come tumbling down around her head as students grab whatever they can for support and comfort. Sabrina determinedly digs her spoon into her jello.

Sid- (Cont.) Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. Mr. Kraft has found something to hold onto for support and comfort, Mrs. Quick.

Mrs. Quick- In a way, this is like a ride.

Libby- This is Massachusetts, why are we having earthquakes?

Mr. Kraft- Democrats!

Libby- (To Sabrina) Do something! My life is at stake here.

Harvey- Maybe if I brace you, you could just flip through the safety monitors manual.

With a sigh Sabrina puts down her dessert and stands.

Sabrina- Listen up! If we all stay calm, and more importantly, uninteresting, I might be able to lead us all to a fire-exit.

The earthquake stops as suddenly as it started.

Mrs. Quick- That’s better.

Then the lights go out. Fresh panic erupts.

Mrs. Quick- (Cont.) Have my eyes swollen shut? Or did the lights go out?

Mr. Kraft- Is there anyone here who is qualified to take confession?

Ext. The Other Realm. A front door step. Zelda arrives and reads the sign on his front door. It reads:-

NO PEDLARS

NO RELIGIOUS
SOLICITORS

NO BAD NEWS

Zelda- Oh I’ve heard about this guy. He wont accept bad news.

She knocks on the door and it’s answered by a man with an British accent.

British Guy- Hello?

Zelda- I’m afraid I have bad news, your shoes...

British Guy- (Interrupting) Sorry, nobody home!

The door closes. Unperturbed Zelda knocks again.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda pours the wine while Bryce tries to get the asparagus. Unfortunately they’re on the top shelf of the larder. He jumps and jumps but is too short to reach.

Bryce- Come here you little asparagus spears.

Hilda clenches her teeth.

Hilda- (Under her breath) Zelda! Help me!

Ext. The Other Realm. The British guys doorstep. Zelda knocks again and the British guy opens it. He looks around looking straight through Zelda as though she’s not there.

British Guy- Hello-o? Anyone the-re?

He see no one and closes the door again. Zelda knocks again.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina has managed to lead the frightened students and staff from the cafeteria and the clutch the walls and each other as they make their way through the rubble in total darkness.

Libby- My greatest wish is that they find my body at least fifty feet away from you people.

Sabrina- Come on guys, we’re almost out o’ here.

Well at least Mr. Kraft is showing a bit of back-bone.

Mr. Kraft- Oh we’re all gonna die, we’re just all gonna die.

Such a shame that it’s a brilliant shade of yellow.

Sabrina- Mr. Kraft! Will you please stop clutching my hand?

Mr. Kraft- Please!

Libby- And mine!

Harvey- I’m sorry, I think that’s me.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Bryce has taken charge of the cooking and has a little taste.

Bryce- Mmm, there’s a sauce that’ll put some hair on your chest.

Hilda had a mouthful of wine and she convulses trying to keep the joke in. The wine is sprayed out instead. Bryce thinks she’s laughing at his joke and smiles pleased.

Ext. The Other Realm. The British guys door step. Zelda’s getting annoyed as she knocks again. He answers looking around once more as though no-one is there.

British Guy- Yes?

Zelda- Yourshoes’llgiveyouabadcaseofathletesfoot!

British Guy- Sorry! Didn’t hear you!

The door closes.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Progress is slow and frightening. But without warning power is restored and the lights come on. A sigh of relief runs down the line of people.

Sabrina- See? Except for a few cases of post traumatic stress disorder we’re all gonna be okay!

Once again the school rocks wildly and ceiling tiles tumble. Sabrina’s calm finally snaps.

Sabrina- (Cont.) After-shock! Oh will it never end?! I give up! It’s never gonna stop! Never! Never! Never! Never!

A full arm slap across the face from Mrs. Quick shuts the hysterical girl up.

Mrs. Quick- I’m sorry Sabrina, you’re on my last nerves.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sid sits back in his chair with his hands behind his head enjoying Sabrina’s World. This is much better.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. In the dust filled hallway Mr. Kraft finds Harvey and hands him a slip of paper.

Mr. Kraft- If I don’t make it out o’ here give this to my lawyer.

Harvey- (Reading) It’s a declaration of love!

Mr. Kraft- (Snatching it back) Oh that’s for Sandra Bullock.

Ext. The Other Realm. British Guys door step. Zelda has lost it completely and has the English guy in a strangle hold.

Zelda- I know you saw me and I know you heard me! Now sign the freakin’ receipt so I can be on my way!

British Guy- Can’t write!

Zelda- Aarrrgghhh!

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. At last they make it to the fire-exit.

Sabrina- Yes! We made it!

Harvey- And we didn’t have to resort to cannibalism.

Mr. Kraft moves to open the doors but Libby stops him.

Libby- Hold it! Who’s gonna represent us in our law suit against the school?

The ground shakes once more but this time with a thumping beat. A shadow covers the school and Mr. Kraft’s eyes widen as he looks out the window.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. A grinning Sid watches the continuing mayhem with Salem. On the screen Sabrina closes her eyes and prays.

Sabrina- Please let that be the sophomore with the glandular condition.

Salem- Is it the fat sophomore?

Sid- What do you think?

On screen a clawed, green scaled foot the size of a school bus lands outside the fire exit.

Sabrina- Nope! Walter’s legs are not that green.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Libby’s got the answer.

Libby- Dinosaur!

Sabrina- Mrs. Quick, you may have to slap me!

Mrs. Quick- Now let’s be calm. What’s happened is the earth’s tectonic plates have shifted, certain gaseous solutions have been floated and we’re all going to die <Sob!>

Mr. Kraft grabs hold of Sabrina.

Mr. Kraft- You’re safety monitor!

Sabrina- What?!

He throws open the fire door and pushes Sabrina through to face the huge monster.

Sabrina- You-you expect me to face that creature alone?!

Mr. Kraft- Of course not, here!

He tosses her a fire extinguisher. Sabrina catches it but it’s heavier than she expected.

Sabrina- Oof!

Mr. Kraft- Aim high!

He pulls the door shut leaving Sabrina alone with the dinosaur.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem sits on the desk watching the show with popcorn and a coke.

Salem- I have to admit, this is pretty exciting.

Sid- More corn?

On screen Sabrina slowly edges closer to the rampaging lizard. It roars and she clutches her fire extinguisher and cranes her neck to look up.

Sabrina- (To herself) Okay, I’ll just engage it in friendly conversation and then maybe it’ll go away. What language do giant lizards speak? Of course, Japanese.

She points at her throat.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Tokor, aday Toyota noya shin chah domo masu?

Translation- So, what do you think of the new Toyotas?

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. The rest of the earthquake survivors watch on.

Harvey- I didn’t know Sabrina could speak Japanese.

Mr. Kraft- Oh yes, it’s part of every safety monitors training.

Ext. School yard.

Dinosaur- Je ne comprends pas. Je parle français

Translation- I don’t understand. I speak French.

Dinosaur- Est-ce distillateur l'ère mésozoïque?

Translation- Is it still the Mesozoic Era?

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sid laughs enjoying himself immensely.

Ext. School yard.

Sabrina- A French dinosaur. I only wish this was the strangest thing I’ve ever encountered.

She points at her throat once more.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Vous êtes dans la chance. Ils ont un centre ville de festival de viande. Un bon nombre de sauces crèmes.

Translation- You’re in luck. They’re having a meat festival downtown. Lots of cream sauces.

Dinosaur- Non Possible

Translation- No way.

Sabrina- Possible

Translation- Way.

Dinosaur- Merci, porc américain culturelement illettré. Au revoir

Translation- Thank you, culturally illiterate American pig. Toodles.

The ground shakes once more as the dinosaur heads off downtown.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Bryce sets down his wine glass and squares off to Hilda.

Bryce- Hilda, I know something’s wrong. I don’t think you even have laryngitis. I think it was all a bald-faced lie. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be short.

Oh that’s too much.

Hilda- Short! You’re so short, when it rains you’re the last to know. You can milk a cow standing up. And bald! You’re so bald an eagle tried to hatch your head. You know what? There’s a cure for baldness, it’s called hair! <B-bum>

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. With the dinosaur gone they’ve let Sabrina back in.

Harvey- Boy Sabrina, you really saved the day.

Mrs. Quick- You know, all this drama's helped me put my life in perspective. For example, I no longer obsess over the fact that a single pea could kill me. Thanks for being so brave, Sabrina.

Sabrina- Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I was brave; it was exciting; this whole thing stinks!

She stamps her foot in frustration.

Libby- Er let’s not forget who appointed her safety monitor.

Harvey- D’ya know what I’m gonna do for you? I’m gonna make you a big bowl o' jello. I never knew you liked it so much.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda sits alone sipping her wine when Zelda comes down stairs.

Zelda- Hilda, I’ve got bad news. Bryce is gonna break up with you.

Hilda- You’re too late, he just left.

Zelda- Oh Hildy, I’m so sorry... Sign the receipt!

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina comes in, takes her orange hard-hat off and slumps down on the settee. She picks up the TV remote as Zelda comes through from the kitchen.

Zelda- Hey Sabrina, is everything okay?

Sabrina- No, my life has become such and adventure that Sabrina’s World will never be cancelled.

She switches on the TV but instead of Sabrina’s World there’s a pretty bad stand up comic on.

Hilda- (On TV) Seriously, my home town was so small you couldn’t buy a house without exact change. Our family doctor worked at Joes hospital... and grill! <B-bum>

Sabrina- Hey! What’s aunt Hilda doing in my time-slot?

Zelda- Well I paid a little visit to your TV producer. My outfit made him kinda nervous so he made me a deal. If I didn’t kill him he’d cancel Sabrina’s World.

Sabrina- But I thought you didn’t actually kill people?

Zelda- Well I don’t, but I sort of mumbled his bad news and he though I said he was going to die.

Sabrina- What was the news?

Zelda- He was going to get a bad piece of pie.

Hilda- (On TV) Seriously, a man walked into a bar and said to a horse, Why the long face? <B-bum>

Zelda- Oh dear.

Sabrina clicks off the TV.

Sabrina- You know? I’m going to start reading more.

Run credits. Over stills from Sabrina’s World with the Sabrina’s World theme tune.



Pic of the Week