The Good, The Bad & The Luau

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina has finally found a little time to just sit and read that magazine that came three days ago but her peace and quiet is interrupted when she’s ambushed by her aunts. They hem her in by sitting on either side of her on the settee.

Zelda- Sabrina, we have good news and bad news.

With a resigned sigh she plonks her unread magazine on the coffee table.

Hilda- The bad news is we’re going to a family reunion.

Sabrina’s face drops.

Zelda- The good news is...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) It’s not our family?

Zelda- No, the family reunion is in Hawaii.

Sabrina- Alright! I wonder what the weathers like in Hawaii right now?

Zelda- Well let’s see.

She waves her fingers.

Ext. The unspoilt shores of Hawaii. A couple lie relaxing on sun-beds on the beach and are somewhat surprised when a settee with three blonde women sat on it drops out of nowhere right behind them.

Sabrina- Okay! Well that answers my question. I will not pack galoshes.

Run opening credits.

Ext. Spellman back yard. A meow attracts the attention of Sabrina and her aunts who come out of the kitchen to investigate. They find that Salem has company.

Hilda- Who’s this?

Salem- I’d like to introduce you to my new friend Lola. I met her outside my favourite sushi bar, we were fighting over a tuna-belly and she won.

Lola is a cute ginger tabby.

Sabrina- (Sing-song) Salem got beat by a girl!

Salem- Salem got beat by a woman Sabrina. She’s in the family way.

Hilda- (Aside to Zelda) Maybe we should have him neutered.

Salem- I heard that! And for your information, I’m not the father but she will be staying with us until the blessed event. Didn’t I ask for milk?

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Harvey’s having a snooze. Standing up against his locker and the trick is attracting quite a crowd. They stand watching him intently until Sabrina arrives.

Sabrina- Harvey?

No response.

Sabrina- HARVEY!

Harvey- Huh?! I’m comin’ mom!

He looks around realising where he is and feeling the embarrassed sting of his fellow students laughter.

Sabrina- Okay, nothing to see here. Shows over.

She shoos them away.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Harvey, if you keep falling asleep at your locker they’re going to transfer you to the narcholepcy magnet school.

Harvey- I know, my dad’s away and according to my mom, pregnant women need soy hot cocoa’s brought to them every half hour throughout the night.

Sabrina- Well are you sure your moms pregnant and not just lazy?

Harvey- I need a break. I’m thinking about joining the army.

Sabrina- Hey, I have an idea. You need to get away and we need someone to watch Salem while we go on our family reunion to Hawaii.

Harvey- I’ll do it! I’ll pay you!

Sabrina- Great! Oh wait, we have another cat and she’s pregnant.

Harvey- Does she sit around and moan about her varicose veins?

Sabrina- Not so far.

Harvey- When do I start?

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina breaks the good news to Salem as she packs for her trip.

Salem- Harvey? You got a mortal to stay with us? So what if I need something for Lola? How am I supposed to let him know? Charades? Come hither stares?

Sabrina- What if I put a Doctor Doolittle spell on Harvey? That way you two can talk to each other.

Salem- You’ve done that spell before?

Sabrina- No, but I can. I discovered it whilst studying the magic book.

Salem- Studying the magic book? Who are you and what have you done with Sabrina?

Int. Spellman living room. Harvey has arrived to take up his new job and Zelda comes from the kitchen to introduces him to one of his charges.

Zelda- Hello Harvey, this is Lola.

Hilda- She mostly just wants to be left alone.

Harvey- An excellent quality in a pregnant thing.

Zelda- (Calling out) Sabrina, we’d better get going.

The dining room doors slide open and Sabrina enters with Salem and a drink for Harvey.

Sabrina- Oh I just wanted to make Harvey a farewell drink.

She puts Salem down and hands Harvey the drink.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Farewell.

Harvey drinks.

Zelda- (Aside to Sabrina) Doolittle spell?

Harvey- Bleccch!

Zelda- (Aside to Sabrina) Bingo.

Harvey- I didn’t know coolade came in chunky style.

Sabrina- Oh Harvey, you remember Salem don’t you?

Salem- Hey Harv.

Harvey- Hey Salem, anythin’ on TV?

Salem- Sports Center. You get the chips, I’ll get the remote.

Harvey- You’re on.

He gives Sabrina a peck on the cheek.

Harvey- (Cont.) Have a great time.

Then heads for the kitchen to stock up on snacks.

Sabrina- Okay, well er... (Loudly) I hope we don’t miss out flight.

She grabs her bags and heads for the door where her aunts are already waiting.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I mean it’s rush hour, the highway’s’ll be jammed.

Ext. Spellman front porch. Sabrina pulls the door shut.

Hilda- I love that show.

She waves her finger and the Spellman’s and all their luggage vanish in a puff of smoke.

Int. Spellman hotel suite, Hawaii. Seconds later. Sabrina leads them in.

Sabrina- Wow! For the first time in my life I understand the meaning of the word ‘swank’

It’s an enormous and lavishly decorated apartment that opens directly onto the white sandy beach. Hilda and Zelda toss their bags onto the two king size beds.

Zelda- We’re on holiday. This is Hilda’s and my room, your room is through there.

Sabrina- My own room? What a great reunion. I don’t care if I do have to kiss aunt Bootsie.

Excitedly she heads for the door to her room.

Int. Sabrina’s room. She enters and her jaw drops with dismay. The colour scheme leaves a little to be desired. A bare, grey floor is surrounded on all sides by bare, grey, windowless, walls that support a bare, grey ceiling. Bare except for the harsh, unshaded light in it’s center. The furniture comprises a wooden desk with a metal chair and an army cot. The only splash of colour comes from the family secret board that’s set up by the wall. There are prison cells more welcoming than this room.

Sabrina- I’m calling management!

Zelda- There’s something we need to tell you about this trip dear. You can’t enjoy the beach until you solve the family secret.

Sabrina- What? When were you planing on telling me this?

Hilda- Now.

Zelda- Don’t worry, you’ll solve it. It’ll be easy once you have the final clue.

Right on cue a column of fire erupts in the room and resolves itself into an Haitian woman bedecked in lei’s. She raises her arms in supplication.

Pele- (Intoning) I-am-Pele, Hawian-godess-of-fire. (Normal) Cousin Pele to you. (Intoning) I-am-here-to-give-you-the-final-clue-to-the-Spellman-family-secret.

Her cleavage bursts into flames and she pats it out.

Pele- (Cont.) Aw! Ow! Ow!

Sabrina- Would some baking-soda help?

Pele- That’s okay. Just don’t talk, it distracts me.

She closes her eyes.

Pele- (Cont.)(Intoning) Here-is-your-clue.

She holds out a large ball of coloured string.

Pele- (Cont.) Is it on fire?

Sabrina- No.

Pele opens her eyes.

Pele- I lost more clues that way. (Intoning) Here.

Sabrina takes the clue from her cousin.

Pele- (Cont.) Good luck.

And she bursts into flame and disappears.

Sabrina- Huh, a ball of string. Okay, well I’ll just call room service and er ponder over this while I have a burger and some free movies...

Hilda- (Interrupting) Sorry, no food, no fun.

Zelda- You have to work on it until you get the answer.

Sabrina- I just wanna thank you two for bringing me to Hawaii.

Hilda- If you have any questions just call us on the cell-phone. We’ll be at the luau after our hula lesson.

The door closes with a click. Whoa! It is a prison cell. Why else would she need the cell-phone that’s on her desk?

Sabrina- (Calling after) I need to learn to hula too!

Sabrina sits uncomfortably on the hard metal chair as the plink-plink-plonk-plonk of what passes for mood music plays.

Sabrina- (To herself) Oh that wont be too distracting.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Harvey’s adding the fifteenth layer of ham to his mile high sandwich.

Harvey- Of course Robocop can beat the Terminator. Mr. ‘I liked ‘My best friends wedding’’

Salem- I said it had its moments.

Lola- Meow.

Harvey- Oh, do you want your tummy wubbed?

Salem- Oh go back to sleepy.

Lola- Meow.

Harvey- (To Salem) Did you ever see Rambo? Remember the part when he stitched himself up?

Salem- Y’know, I read Stallone really did that.

Ext. Hawaii beach. The family reunion is under way with everyone in their bathing costumes and with exotic flowers in their hair. Hilda and Zelda stop by the barbeque.

Zelda- You did your homework right?

Hilda- Right... What homework?

Zelda- Huh! Hilda, at the last family reunion you managed to alienate everyone because you hadn’t even read the family news-letter.

Hilda- Oh it wasn’t that bad.

Zelda- They made you eat sand.

Hilda- Not a lot.

Zelda- Anyway, here comes uncle George. Now he’s at the reunion with his second wife Ruby. I don’t know what he sees in her but be sure to compliment her on her supossed weight loss.

Ruby- A-hem! Hello Zelda.

Zelda gives a start, not having realised that Ruby was directly behind her.

Zelda- Hello Ruby... You’ve lost weight.

Hilda- Oh look, I think they’re towing my car.

She quickly gets up and leaves.

Int. Sabrina’s room. She stands before the puzzle board holding her latest clue. The board holds a number of images along with a number of letters and numerators. The first is a bird house, followed by ‘M+’ Then a picture of a fire. Next comes a heart with ‘-L’ behind it. The next line starts with the word ‘THE’ This is followed by a picture of a superhero with the letters ABC on his chest. This is followed by three pictures interspersed with + signs. The pictures are of Fay Wray, Sabrina and Robert E. Lee. The next line starts with a picture of a snake. then a ‘B+’ with a picture of a horn after it. Next comes a picture of a whip, the letter ‘A’, a space for the last clue, the ball of string and finally a ‘-E’. From this she has to decipher the family secret.

Sabrina- (Thinking aloud) Every member of the Spellman family is born with a... ball of string? No. With er with stringy hair! No, we condition.

If you’re wondering where she got the first part of this. here goes. The bird house is an Avery = Every. M+Fire isn’t Mfire, it’s M+Ember = member. The heart stands for love and love-L is ove, or of. THE is self explanatory. The superhero with letters on his chest = Spellman. The three pictures are of Fay, Me and Lee. Fay+me+lee = family. what do snakes do? They hiss, or is. B+Horn = bhorn, or born. Whip?? A = A. So there you have it. If you’re not wondering where she got it from then don’t read this paragraph.

The cell-phone on the desk rings and Sabrina picks it up.

Sabrina- Hello?

Salem- Sabrina, help! Harvey and I are beside ourselves. Lola wont stop crying.

Sabrina- I have problems of my own. I have to solve this stupid secret with this stupid ball of string.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem is on the phone to Sabrina.

Salem- If you come home I’ll help you...

Suddenly Sabrina’s home.

Salem- (Cont.) ...with the clue.

Sabrina- What is this?

She holds out the ball of string.

Harvey- (OS) Salem!

Sabrina ducks down behind the counter as Harvey enters carrying a crying Lola.

Harvey- (Cont.) What did the doctor say?

Salem- Oh. The doctor.. on the telephone, said that Lola needs a nesting spot. Go get a cardboard box and set it up in the living room. Run man!

Harvey- Okay!

Salem- But leave Lola in here, the box is supposed to be a surprise.

Harvey puts the pregnant cat down on the table.

Harvey- You have a very controlling vet.

Then he dashes off to do the black cats bidding as Sabrina stands up.

Sabrina- Good going. Okay, this is my last clue. A ball of string.

Salem- That’s not string, it’s twine. Oh please let me at it!

Harvey- (OS) Mom!

Int. Spellman living room. Harvey lets the very heavily pregnant Mrs. Kinkle in.

Harvey- What are you doing here?

Mrs. Kinkle- Well I was taking a walk and suddenly I got very tired.

Int. Spellman kitchen.

Sabrina- That’s Mrs. Kinkle! I’ve gotta get out o’ here.

Salem- But you haven’t helped Lola!

Sabrina- Right. Er... until this cat gives birth to her litter, make her calm and relaxed for her new cat-sitter.

She points to activate the spell and Lola stops her incessant whining.

Salem- She’s fixed! I have to admit, that sound was beginning to annoy me.

Harvey- (OS) I’ll find out mom!

Sabrina- Gotta go!

She points at herself and vanishes in a swirl of sparkles just as Harvey enters.

Harvey- Salem, do we have any soy hot cocoa?

Int. Hawaii. The Spellman suite. Hilda sits back on her bed with a pleased expression while Zelda leans over the sink spiting into the bowl.

Zelda- How do you get all the sand out?

Hilda- Just keep rinsing.

Zelda- Ogh! A shell.

Int. Sabrina’s room. The last clue, the ball of twine is now on the puzzle board as a picture followed by the ‘-E’

Sabrina- (Thinking aloud) Hmm, twine. Okay, every member of the Spellman family is born with twine. With wine? I come from a long line of alcoholics? No, every member of the Spellman family is born with a twine minus the ‘E’, twin. That’s it! Every member of the Spellman family is born with a twin!

Ext. Hawaii beach. milliseconds later.

Sabrina- A twin?

Her aunts spot her and run over.

Zelda- Congratulations Sabrina!

Hilda- You solved the family secret!

They all hug. Then Zelda takes her by the shoulders and guides her across to meet someone.

Zelda- Come here, I’d like to introduce you to your twin, Katrina.

Not only are the two girls twins but they are identical down to every pore and hair follicle, totally indistinguishable physically.

Katrina- Hello Sabrina.

Sabrina- Wow! I’m so excited... and apperantly not unique. I can’t believe I have a twin.

Katrina- This is really good news, especially if one of us ever needs a kidney.

Zelda- Katrina lives in South Dakota in a house exactly like ours.

Hilda- Except for some reason they have shag.

Suddenly finding that you have a twin sister is exciting for both girls and they quickly find they have a lot common as they take time to get to know each other. ‘Living la Vida loca’ plays over the following.

Int. Spellman suite. The girls exchange gifts and find that they both have the same taste in T-shirts. The shirts read ‘My identical twin went to Hawaii and all I got was this lousy T-shirt’

Ext. Beach bar. The twins sip fruit cocktails through straws as a handsome hunk walks up to the bar. Both girls look at him admiringly but two into one doesn’t go. So Katrina points and the boy finds that he too has a twin.

Ext. The beach. The inseparable girls run down the beach with surf-boards under their arms but today the waves are piddlin’ and small. They look at each other and both point. Surfs-up! A little too much. They flee the towering tsunami.

Int. Spellman suite. Katrina caries the fishing rods while Sabrina brings in the mornings catch. But who’s going to gut, clean and cook them? Magic is, as Katrina points providing a perfectly laid out fish lunch for two.

Int. Spellman suite. Breakfast is laid out as the music fades. Sabrina comes in from her room to join her aunts.

Sabrina- Katrina and I had a great time together yesterday. It’s weird we don’t have the same parents. Are your twins as nice as mine?

Hilda- Actually our twins turned out to be evil, which brings us to another teeny thing we have to tell you. Zelda?

Hilda walks away leaving it to her sister.

Zelda- Sit down dear.

They sit on the settee.

Zelda- (Cont.) You see, in all witch twins, one twin is evil and the other one is good and, unfortunately, the evil twin is not allowed to live in the mortal realm.

Sabrina- Oh-no! Katrina can’t be the evil one! Wait a minute, that would mean I’m the evil one. She did leave the pool-boy a crummy tip.

Int. Spellman living room Harvey and Salem are indulging in the age old male pastime of scar comparing. Harvey has his leg up on the back of the settee with his trouser-leg rolled up to his knee.

Harvey- I got this scar wrestling a monkey at the county fair.

Salem- Sweet! But I got ya beat. Check out the one on my butt.

He raises his tail for Harvey to take a look.

Harvey- I don’t see a scar?

Salem- Don’t have one, but made you look!

Harvey slaps his forehead.

Mrs. Kinkle- (OS) Oh fiddle-sticks!

Harvey dashes to the sliding doors of the dining room and pulls them back.

Int. Spellman dining room. Harvey enters to find his mother on her hands and knees on the dining table trying to get into the small cardboard nesting box filled with cut up news paper.

Harvey- Mom, what are you doing?

Mrs. Kinkle- I’m trying to get into Lola’s nesting box but I think I need a bigger one.

Harvey thinks his mom’s finally snapped.

Ext. Witches court. the beach. Hawaii. A parasol sits above the witch judges platform as the assembled Spellman clan assemble before it. Sabrina and Katrina have pride of place up front. The witch judge bangs his gavel

Witch Judge- Order on the beach! In today’s case of Katrina verses Sabrina, the tribunal shall decide which witch is the good witch and which witch is the evil witch.

Zelda- (Aside to Hilda) Stop biting your nails.

Hilda- I will if you stop twirling your hair.

Both aunts are clearly nervous. The witch judge holds up a card.

Witch Judge- Question one, Sabrina.

A mangy looking mutt with big eyes wanders by and barks and whines plaintively. Sabrina leaves her seat and squats beside the pining dog and ruffles his fur.

Sabrina- Oh hey buddy, where’s your tag? Are you lost?

Witch Judge- What do you wanna be when you grow up?

Sabrina- (Calling out) Does this dog belong to anyone?

Hilda- Sabrina, pay attention to the question.

Sabrina- (To the judge) Sorry, what d’ya say?

Witch Judge- I can’t repeat the question.

Sabrina- Oh. Then um... yellow?

Witch Judge- Katrina, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Katrina- Well I like people and animals, so I’ll either be a social worker of a veterinarian.

Approving noises emanate from the gathered Spellman’s as the witch judge bangs his gavel.

Witch Judge- Wrong! Sabrina wins the question portion.

Both girls are surprised as are all the gathered people.

Witch Judge- (Cont.) You see a good witch cares more about living things than about wining points for herself.

Katrina bites her lip while Sabrina gives the mutts fur a pleased scratch.

Sabrina- Whoo-hoo!

Zelda- (To Hilda) I hated those trick questions.

Hilda- I’m so embarrassed, I gave that round to Katrina.

Witch Judge- Now we shall randomly review each witches use of magic. Was it for good or was it for evil? Roll the video tape.

On a wicker bound screen, moments from the past are edited together accompanied by lift music. First Sabrina. It shows her first ever use of her magic in the big wide world. Her accidental transformation of Libby into a pineapple. The next shot shows her using her finger to drop Mr. Kraft’s trousers in the school hallway while Libby’s spirit had control of her. The third clip shows her squirting Harvey with Ambition deodorant from a weed sprayer. The last displays Harvey arriving at her house looking like a dogs dinner, then coming down stairs later looking the bees-knees.

Zelda- Not her best magic.

Hilda- And who picked that music?

Sabrina- Dressing Harvey was good magic, he looked like a total dork before... but I mean ‘dork’ in the best possible way.

Witch Judge- You didn’t dress Harvey to help him; you did it to win the contest. Dressing Harvey was selfish! The worst Spellman family trait. Now we shall review Katrina’s use of magic.

The screen comes to life again with a holiday video. A young boy is on the beach working hard to build his sand-castle. Another bigger boy comes by and jumps all over it, flattening everything for fun. Katrina, sunning herself nearby, uses her finger to rebuild the demolished castle for the little boy. Next, Katrina jogs along the beach and passes an old man on crutches. She stops and points and the old man tosses away the crutches and jogs off. Next up, Katrina’s sat on the settee reading but feels it lacks something. She waves her finger and is joined by all the little kids in the neighbourhood. They sit around while she reads them the story. Lastly, a line of down and outs queue through the kitchen while Katrina uses her magic to make them pie.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) I knew I should o’ learned to cook!

Zelda- (Aside to Hilda) Pies for the homeless? How nutritious.

Hilda- I think those children were being read to against their will.

Witch Judge- So far, Sabrina has won the Q and A, and Katrina has won the life review. But since this is a close call, I have one more question which could make it or break it for either one of you.

Katrina- (To Sabrina) May the best witch win.

Sabrina- Right back at ya.

Witch Judge- I would like each girl to quickly tell the tribunal how she used her magic for good in the last twenty-four hours?

Sabrina- Oh. Um, I er... made a pregnant animal feel comfortable.

Witch Judge- Katrina, anything?

Katrina- Well I um... I got us both dates!

The judge bangs his gavel with finality.

Witch Judge- Courts adjourned! The last one to limbo is a rotten egg!

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Great, I’m ahead. Maybe I’m not the evil one after all.

The crowd disperse.

Zelda- Oh this trial is getting on my nerves, I have a bigger headache than uncle Danny after he celebrates... well, another night of drinking.

Uncle Danny- Hello Zelda!

Zelda- Hello Uncle Danny.

Hilda- Oh, there goes my car again.

She leaves smiling.

Int. Sabrina’s room. It’s still grey but the furniture and bed are more friendly and the puzzle-board has been replaced with a congratulatory floral display but Sabrina isn’t taking in her new comforts. she paces back and forth.

Sabrina- I’m good, I know I am. Or am I? I wonder, is there’s a competent therapist on this island?

The cell-phone rings and Sabrina answers.

Sabrina- Hello?

Salem- Sabrina, we need you here know! Harvey’s mom’s in labour at the hospital.

Sabrina- And you need me to offer hearty congratulations?

Salem- No, because when the doctors listened to her stomach they heard a heart beat and something that sounds like purring.

Sabrina- Oh-no.

Salem- Oh yes! Looks like Inexact Spell Spellman has struck again.

Sabrina- I’ll meet you at the hospital.

Int. Spellman suite. Once again Zelda leans over the sink spitting grit into the bowl.

Hilda- Sand goes down better the second time, don’t you think?

Zelda- I understand your not stopping them but did you have to scream out ‘More! More! She can take it!’?

Hilda- Maybe we should check on Sabrina?

Zelda- Oh no. No, let her relax.

Int. Westbridge General Hospital. Maternity ward. A rather short, mustached surgeon in a gown and cap pushes a gurney down the corridor with a black cat and a flower basket with a pregnant ginger tabby inside on it.

Salem- Look out, coming through!

Dr. Sabrina- Okay, I’ve checked the magic book and apperantly I transferred Lola’s discomfort onto the nearest pregnant creature.

Salem- Mrs. Kinkle.

Dr. Sabrina- Exactly. She’s about to have kittens unless I get her and Lola together, sprinkle a little water and incant a spell.

Salem- So do we give up now or carry this charade a beat longer?

An orderly passes.

Dr. Sabrina- (Deep voiced) Er excuse me, er I’m looking for a Mrs. Kinkle. She’s about to deliver.

Orderly- Well then, I guess she might be in the delivery room.

He leaves.

Dr. Sabrina- (Calling after) No need to be snotty! (To Salem) Oh that was evil. Don’t tell the witch judge.

Another gurney is wheeled round the corner with Mrs. Kinkle on it and Harvey running alongside. Sabrina hides her face while they pass.

Harvey- Relax mom! They’ll stick a needle in your spine and it’ll be all better.

Mrs. Kinkle blows through her breathing exercises as the doctors follow behind. Once they pass Sabrina picks up Lola and follows

Int. Delivery room. The doctors stand by as another contraction passes and no one seems to notice the small doctor with the cat by the door.

Doctor #2- Dr. Merchant, let’s hear the foetal heartbeat and the so called purring.

Sabrina points from her corner as Dr. Merchant reaches for her equipment. She gasps when she sees her hands. They’re covered in what looks like blood.

Dr. Merchant- Oh my, is this what I think it is?

The other doctor looks at his hands and finds they too are covered with the red stuff.

Doctor #2- Yeah, barbeque sauce. We had ribs for lunch remember.

Dr. Merchant- Right, let’s go wash up. (To Mrs. Kinkle) We’ll be right back.

The two doctors leave. Sabrina points again giving Mrs. Kinkle an urgent craving.

Mrs. Kinkle- Harvey, get me a Nut-rageous bar!

Harvey- I’m on it ma!

He runs from the room leaving Sabrina alone with the two pregnant females.

Dr. Sabrina- (Deep voiced) Er Mrs. Kinkle, holding a kitty is the latest relaxation technique to ease contraction pains.

Mrs. Kinkle- I’d chew steel right now.

She takes Lola in her lap and strokes the cat while Sabrina dips her fingers in a convenient nearby bowl of water and sprinkles it over both of them. The water droplets turn to magical sparkles.

Dr. Sabrina- (To herself) Please make this work.

Harvey- (OS) Mom!

Sabrina quickly turns the corner of Mrs. Kinkle’s blanket over Lola to hide her and slips back to her corner as Harvey arrives.

Harvey- (Cont.) They didn’t have Nut-ragious in the vending machine. I had to get crackers.

Dr. Sabrina- (Deep voiced) Try the one in the basement... and take the stairs.

Harvey- I’m on it!

He runs off again passing Salem on his way.

Salem- (To Sabrina) Well this isn’t going smoothly, and here come the doctors.

Sabrina throws back the blanket again.

Dr. Sabrina- Er, there was a spell that went wrong, put these kitty’s back where they belong.

She points activating her spell and sparkles swirl between Mrs. Kinkle’s distended belly and Lola. The Sparkles vanish just as Dr. Merchant enters.

Dr. Merchant- All right, time to deliver the baby.

Doctor #2- Doctor, do you really think it’s appropriate to bring animals into the delivery room?

Dr. Sabrina- Oh you mean Dr. Fluffy from the HMO?

She picks up Lola and leaves.

Int. Hospital corridor. She puts Lola back in her basket.

Dr. Sabrina- Phew! I’m glad I was able to fix that little glitch. Helping Lola is the magic that is gonna tip me off into the good witch category.

Salem- I hate to burst your bubble, but didn’t you help Lola just so I’d help you with the clue?

Dr. Sabrina- Oh-no, you’re right! And that was selfish and being selfish is a Spellman’s worst trait. I’m evil!

She sits disconsolately in a nearby wheel-chair.

Salem- And doomed.

Harvey runs up and sees the doctor and the cat.

Harvey- Do either of you have a candy-bar on you? I can’t find the basement!

Sabrina keeps her face averted and starts to wheel herself away but even the fake mustache can’t hide the face of the one he loves from Harvey.

Harvey- (Cont.) Sabrina?

She looks up at him, still cute with the whiskers.

Sabrina- Hi Harvey.

Harvey- Aren’t you supposed to be in Hawaii?... Without a mustache?

Sabrina peels away the fake mustache.

Sabrina- Oh right. Er tailwinds?

He’s not buying.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Look Harvey, there’s something I have to tell you. I probably wont be able to see you anymore.

Harvey- Why?

Sabrina- Because I wont be allowed to live in... Westbridge. Er we’re just so crazy about Hawaii, we’re moving there.

Harvey- Well what am I gonna do without you?

Dr. Merchant pokes her head round the delivery room door.

Dr. Merchant- Oh Mr. Kinkle, your mothers asking for you. It turns out the purring was just a glitch on the sonogram.

Harvey- Sabrina, I...

Mrs. Kinkle- (OS)(Interrupting) Harvey!!

Harvey- Please don’t go. I’ll miss you.

He heads for the delivery room while Sabrina fights back tears.

Sabrina- Me too.

Salem- <Sob!> Me three.

Sabrina- That reminds me, I have to get rid of that Doctor Doolittle spell.

Salem- Why? Just because you’re evil doesn’t mean I shouldn’t continue my friendship with Harvey.

Ext. The beach. Hawaii. The tribunal is called to hand out judgement. Sabrina stands with her aunts while Katrina is with her relatives.

Sabrina- Well I’m a wreck.

Zelda- Oh calm down dear. Just because your spell was selfish.

Hilda- And involved civil disobedience.

Zelda- And was very messy, doesn’t mean you’re the evil twin.

Witch Judge- Order on the sand! Since Sabrina’s ‘helping a pregnant cat’ spell was selfish, involved civil disobedience and was extremely messy, the evil twin is...

Like a good showman he waits for the drum-roll to build the tension.

Witch Judge- (Cont.)...Sabrina Spellman!

Sabrina lets out the breath she hadn’t realised she was holding in a long sigh as those two words tear her world apart.

Sabrina- Great! I finally win something.

Ext. The lip of the Kilauea's Pu'u O'o Vent. Hawaii. Sabrina and Katrina, both dressed in pale pink gowns with flower crowns on their heads stand by the volcanoes edge accompanied by Hilda, Zelda and the witch judge. A hundred feet below them molten magma bubbles and hisses and they step back from the terrible heat.

Sabrina- Why are we at a volcano? I thought I just couldn’t live in the mortal realm?

Zelda- Well actually dear you can’t live in the mortal realm or the other realm.

Hilda- We didn’t want to worry you and besides, I never thought you’d turn out to be the evil one.

Zelda- (To Hilda) Especially when you turned out to be the good one.

Katrina- Well, it was nice getting to know you. Good luck with the rest of your future. Sorry.

Sabrina- (To her aunts) What did she mean by that?

Zelda- Evil twins are thrown into the volcano.

Sabrina looks down into the fiery depths of the earth and the mountain rumbles like an empty stomach faced with a tasty morsel.

Sabrina- Oh, to prove that they’re brave and then they’ll be welcomed back into the bussom of their family?

Hilda- Not exactly. Zelda?

Zelda- You see Sabrina, lava is the only substance that can... Oh I’m sorry.

Emotion gets the better of her aunt and she fights down a sob of despair before continuing.

Zelda- (Cont.) Lava is the only substance that can destroy a witch.

Sabrina- Get me the ACLU!!

Witch Judge- At this time, the good twin shall push the evil twin into the volcano.

Katrina- Okay-dokay.

And without ceremony she shoves Sabrina hard in her back sending her screaming over the edge to her doom. Everyone gazes over the edge. Katrina smiling, the aunts and the judge shocked to their core.

Zelda- Oh-no!!

Hilda- She did it!!

A slender tree root barely surviving in the tremendous heat half way down the volcanoes throat saves Sabrina from instant immolation. Her finger-tips cling to this slim life-line as if her life depends on it... Um which, of course, it does. The radiant heat singes the soles of her shoes as sweat springs from every pore of her body. The hot air burns inside with each breath.

Witch Judge- Why did you push Sabrina into the volcano?!

Katrina- Because you told me to. D’ah!

Witch Judge- No good witch has ever had the heart to do away with their evil twin, although one Hilda Spellman did come very close. This proves Katrina is the evil twin.

Meanwhile Sabrina continues to cling to life by her finger-nails. Her cell-phone rings.

Sabrina- Great! With my luck it’s a tele-marketer.

She lets go with one hand and takes the phone from the sash on her island princess gown.

Sabrina- (Down phone) Yes?

Salem- Good news, Mrs. Kinkle delivered a healthy baby girl and Lola had five little kittens.

Sabrina- H-uh!

The tree root creaks ominously.

Salem- What’s that loud noise in the background?

Sabrina- Oh that’d be hot molten lava. I’d better get back to you.

Hilda- (Calling down) Sabrina! We’ve got good news for a change!

Zelda- You’re not the evil twin!

Sabrina’s fingers slip from their precarious hold and she plummets towards agonising if brief death.

Sabrina- (Calling out) Now you tell meeeeeeeee!!!!

Zelda’s magic finger is quick but is it quick enough?

Int. Spellman suite. Hilda and Zelda relax in their room and Sabrina comes from the bathroom drying her hair alive and well.

Sabrina- Man, have you ever tried to wash volcanic ash out of your hair?

Hilda- No, but I came really close as the witch judge pointed out to practically everyone in Hawaii.

Sabrina- So what happened to Katrina?

Zelda- She was sent to live in the twin cities in the Other Realm. That’s where all the evil twins go after the volcano test.

Sabrina- I thought evil twins died.

Zelda- No-ones actually ever thrown to their death during the volcano test.

Hilda- Well, except for you.

Sabrina- Well we all have our fifteen minutes.

Sabrina’s almost singed again as Pele bursts into being on the settee. This proves a mistake as it sets light scorching the fire goddess’s butt.

Pele- Ow! Ow! Ow!

Sabrina and Zelda beat out the flames.

Pele- (Cont.) Well here it is, your official witches licence.

She hands over the credit card sized piece of laminated plastic. Sabrina smiles excitedly.

Pele- (Cont.) It will give you more power than you ever dreamed possible.

Zelda- But be careful, it can also cause more trouble than you ever dreamed possible. Just ask Hilda.

Hilda- Not all tsunami’s are bad.

Zelda- And now we have one final lesson for you.

She waves her fingers and all four of them find themselves wearing grass skirts, bikini tops and lots of flowers as the hula music starts.

Sabrina- This seems a tad anticlimactic now. (To Pele) Oh, your skirts on fire!

They quickly pat it out before continuing to wiggle and sway their hips in the island tradition.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem is baby-sitting and shows off his charges to Sabrina.

Salem- Their names are Groucho, Harpo, Cheako, Zeppo and Peppy.

Sabrina- Peppy? What happened to Gummo?

Salem- Gummo was my fathers name.

There’s a knock at the door and Sabrina pulls herself away from the cute little kittens to meet the cute Harvey as he lets himself in.

Harvey- Hey, chocolate cigars to celebrate the birth of my new baby sister Una.

Sabrina- Una Kinkle. I hope she’s good lookin’

Harvey- I have a big favour to ask you. Can I take Lola and the kittens home? Una stops crying when there’s meowing but it’s making me hoarse.

Sabrina- They’re all yours.

He picks up the box with the kittens.

Salem- Meow!!

Run credits.

Sabrina- Oh but er can Salem come visit every other weekend?

Harvey- Sure, that way we can watch Robocop together... Why did I say that?

Sabrina- Because you’re sleep deprived.

Harvey- Right, I’d better get home. I’ll come back for Lola. I’m so glad you’re not leaving after all.

He kisses her on the cheek.

Sabrina- (Happily) Me too.

He leaves.

Sabrina- (To Salem) Are you okay?

Salem- Sure, I mean we knew we couldn’t keep them, I just... <Sob! Sob!> I’m feeling a little post-partum. <Sob! Sob!> I could use a vacation! <Sob! Sob!> How about Maui?