Written By - Dan Berendsen
Transcribed By - Paul Booth
Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Mr. Kraft - Martin Mull
Brad - Jon Huartas
Mrs. Quick - Mary Gross
Sparky - Spencer Beglarian
Waitress - Faith Salie
Customer #2 - Steven E. Daniels
Customer #3 - Marcy Goldman
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda hands a bag of flour to Sabrina from the larder and takes down a bag of raisins. They carry their ingredients to the counter.
Hilda- This is going to be the best community charity drive ever.
Sabrina- Yeah, every business on Water Street working together to help the victims devastated by the hurricane in Honduras.
Hilda- And all the other businesses are going to be devastated by the success of our bake-sale.
Sabrina- Yep! Thatís what charityís all about... Winning.
Sabrina is distracted by a finger-nail as Zelda comes down stairs carrying Salem and scratching him behind the ears.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh look at my cuticles... Not that they matter compared to the plight of the Hondurans.
Salem- An armadillo? A goldfish? How about an iguana?
Hilda- Ah... things that taste better deep-fried?
Zelda- No, Salem is badgering me to let him get a pet.
Sabrina- A pet for Salem? But heís childish, irresponsible, scatter-brained...
Zelda- (Interrupting) M-hm. By the way I found your keys in the front door.
She hands them to Sabrina.
Zelda- (Cont.) And the note-book you lost in the drier.
She hands Sabrina the note-book.
Sabrina- But I donít want a pet.
The toaster pings and Sabrina picks out the mail.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh! Cooool! My first credit card... and no bills... and a lot of catalogues. I have been specially chosen for unbridled consumption.
Hilda- And it makes a really cool noise when you swipe it.
Zelda- Ah! Sabrina, I have to warn you. If you get anything and everything you want, youíll never learn to appreciate the things that are really important in life.
Salem- Exactly, thatís why I think you should use it to get me a pet. Iíll take a lama.
Sabrina- Iím going to be very responsible with this card and a pet is not something you need. However...
She swipes her card through thin air and produces a fully equipped beautician who immediately starts work on Sabrinaís nails.
Sabrina- (Cont.) ...This is a necessity.
Her aunts look at her in a Ďtsh! tsk!í kind of way.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Iím not enjoying this.
Ooo! The fibber.
Run opening credits.
Int. Sabrinaís bedroom. Zelda has the credit card while Sabrina admires her latest purchase in the mirror.
Sabrina- Oh this new sweater looks even better on than it did in the Other Realm catalogue.
Zelda- Sabrina, Iím serious about this credit card. Be careful, witches are very susceptible to Getitis.
Sabrina- Getitis? Oh you mean what mortal children get on Christmas morning?
Zelda- Exactly, you donít appreciate anything because you keep thinking each new item will bring you happiness.
Sabrina- Okay, well this isnít my first time at the cauldron you know. I got a sweater because itís sweater weather and that doesnít mean it canít be stylish sweater weather.
Zelda hands the card back to Sabrina.
Zelda- Okay, I hope they give you frequent flyer miles for rationalisations.
Sabrina- (To herself) Yíknow? Sometimes I think she has no faith in me, but I totally appreciate this new sweater.
She swipes her card and a large pile of different coloured sweaters materialises on her desk.
Sabrina- (Cont.) And the fact that it comes in thirty-seven festive, fall colours... and she said this wouldnít make me happy... Although Iíd be a lot happier if I had shoes to match.
Later. Sabrina admires her latest purchase in the mirror. A riding outfit complete with helmet, jompers and a crop. Sheís had to shove her other racks of new clothes aside to get a good view in the mirror.
Sabrina- I look so cute but... now I need a horse.
She glances round a notices a card hanging by a piece of string outside her window.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh! Advertisers will do anything to catch the elusive teen market.
She takes the card.
Sabrina- (Reading) ĎCanít you hear me crying in the attic. Salemí
Salem- (OS) Sob! Sob! Sob!
Sabrina- Ah there it is.
Salem- (OS) Come comfort me.
Sabrina- (Calling back) Iím busy!
Salem- (OS) Then I guess Iíll just have to dry my tears on this stack of brand new catalogues.
Int. Spellman attic. Two seconds later.
Salem- Made ya run.
Sabrina looks around at the dark and dusty attic filled with old, and in some cases ancient, brick-a-brac.
Sabrina- Salem what are you doing up here?
Salem- Playing the pity card, I wanna pet! I want something to play with, something to give me unconditional love the way I do for you.
Sabrina- Oh so you were thinking of something in the disease family? Hey! My old jewellery-box.
She opens the old wooden box and finds a treasure within.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Look! Itís the charm-bracelet my grandma gave me. I was afraid Iíd lost it.
Salem- Touching... and itís going to get me a pet how?
Sabrina- Salem, everything I know about manipulation I learned from you.
Salem- Youíre sweet. Whatís your point?
Sabrina- Stop asking aunt Zelda for a pet... move on to Miss Pushover, aunt Hilda.
Salem- And the student becomes the teacher. The circle of life is complete.
Int. Spellman kitchen. The preparations for the bake-sale go on. As they do, Zelda has an itch she needs to scratch.
Zelda- Be careful Sabrina; donít do that Sabrina. Why Am I always the one who has to say no?
Hilda- Youíre the mean one?
Zelda glowers at her sister.
Hilda- Youíre right, Iíll handle the next problem that arises.
Zelda- Thank you.
Sabrina comes down stairs carrying Salem. She has changed out of her riding gear into more everyday wear... After pulling the labels off.
Sabrina- Look who I found all alone in the attic.
Zelda- You know, that reminds me. One of these days we really have to get up there and clean out all that useless old junk.
Salem- Iím right here.
Sabrina- And look, I found my old charm bracelet.
Hilda- Sabrina, itís beautiful and Iím sure you appreciate it even more because you didnít just zap it in with your new credit card.
She smiles smugly across at Zelda, who nods back duly impressed.
Salem- Can I have a pet?
Zelda nods and smiles. Impressed by her sister twice in one minute. A record.
Hilda- Oh okay.
Hilda- Oh lighten up, who cares if Salem gets a pet? So what if Sabrina zaps in a couple of things from the Other Realm? Itís not the end of the world.
Sabrina- Thank you aunt Hilda. (To Salem) Want a ride on my new Vespa?
Zelda- You donít have a Vespa.
Sabrina- I do now.
Zelda folds her arms staring across at Hilda.
Hilda- Itís still not the end of the world.
Sabrina- (To Salem) So do you think I can do wheelies on my new Vespa?
Salem- Maybe Iíll get a wild boar.
Zeldaís still glaring across at Hilda as Hilda watches them leave.
Hilda- I always thought the end of the world would involve more locust.
Int. Westbridge High School class room. A large map of Honduras graces the chalk-board.
Mrs. Quick- And weíll be holding our rummage sale at that cute little coffee place on Water Street. So if there are no further questions?
Mrs. Quick- (Cont.) (Punching the air) Letís get it on!
The school bell rings.
Mrs. Quick- (Cont.) And erm read chapter eleven.
The students start to pack their things and Sabrina notices the girl beside her writing down the address of the coffee house in her file-o-fax.
Sabrina- Thatís cute. Thatís what I need, a day-planer.
Out comes the credit card. Swipe. A brand new day-planer appears on her desk
Sabrina- (Cont.) Ah great. Okay, now all I need is some plans. Erm... oh! Buy more stuff.
She writes her to-do in her new planer as Mrs. Quick comes over.
Mrs. Quick- Sabrina, I know I donít need to ask but would you be my assistant at the rummage sale.
Another plan goes into her planer.
Sabrina- (Cont.) (Writing) Buy rummage sale outfit.
The teacher spots something as Sabrina writes.
Mrs. Quick- Oh what a lovely charm bracelet.
Sabrina- Oh, Isnít it great? My grandma gave it to me.
Int. School hallway. Sabrina and Mrs. Quick come out of the class. Sabrina spots another student tapping something into a palm-top note pad.
Sabrina- Oh, a palm-pilot. Thatís much better than my stupid day-planer.
She tosses her old day-planer into the nearest trash-can.
Mrs. Quick- I had a charm bracelet when I was a little girl. Every time my father went away on a business trip he brought me a new charm. Mother used to call it my little guilt bracelet.
They pass Mr. Kraft who is grandly showing off the results of twenty years hard labour in the education system to Harvey and Brad. Harvey has the temerity to dare to reach out and touch it. He gets his hand slapped away.
Mr. Kraft- Hey! Iíve been saving to buy this for twenty years.
Sabrina and Mrs. Quick stop a little further down to listen.
Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) This is a fine example of what hard work can bring you.
Brad- A gold brick?
Mr. Kraft- Yes.
Brad- You didnít buy that from gypsies did ya?
Harvey- I probably would have squandered my savings on securities and Internet start-ups.
The boys try hard to disguise their grins of amusement.
Mr. Kraft- Well you will lose that mocking tone soon enough when you try to buy a loaf of bread with paper money after the world economy collapses, or weíre invaded by aliens.
Sabrina- (To Mrs. Quick) Aliens?
Mrs. Quick- Now you get an idea of the calibre of conversation in the teachers lounge.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda comes down stairs carrying Salem as Zelda is sorting buns and cakes for the bake-sale.
Zelda- Any luck at the Other Realm pound?
Hilda- Define luck.
A man runs down the stairs dressed all in black other than his red leather collar with a bell on it. His tongue lolls out of his mouth and he runs over to the counter sniffing.
Sparky- Lavender! Frosting! Toast! Ginger!
Zelda- You let him get a dogman?!
Barking can be heard out in the neighbourhood. The dogman stops sniffing at the baked goods and pricks his ears.
Sparky- Whatís that?
Heís off to investigate.
Salem- His names Sparky.
Int. Sabrinaís bedroom. Itís been a long day and Sabrinaís completely spent. She sits slumped at her desk fast asleep. Her head resting on an open catalogue, her credit card still hot in her fingers. Sheís surrounded by her purchases. so much so that itís almost impossible to move around the room without tripping or climbing over something, but someoneís made the effort to reach her. Hilda tries unsuccessfully to pull the card from her fingers.
Hilda- Still warm.
Zelda- Iím afraid weíve got a full blown case of getitis.
Their voices awaken Sabrina and she raises her head, snapping from her dream.
Sabrina- I donít care if itís on back order.
The page from the catalogue has glued itself to her forehead and she pulls it away looking up at her aunts.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh morning, well there just arenít enough hours in the day, are there?
She raises her credit card to buy... anything when Zelda grasps her swiping wrist.
Zelda- Sabrina! Youíve got a problem.
Sabrina- Yeah, youíre keeping me from getting more stuff.
Zelda- Mrs. Quick called, you were supposed to be at the rummage sale a half hour ago.
Sabrina- Oh I completely forgot and Iím supposed to bring stuff to donate.
Hilda- Wherever will you find something?
She looks around the packed room, her eyes lingering in the ocean kayak propped in the corner with a curious frown.
Sabrina- Oh not my stuff! I love my stuff!
Hilda- You are on the verge of becoming spoiled rotten.
Sabrina- All right, quit lobbing the guilt bombs. Iíll donate some of my stuff to the Hondurans.
Zelda- Good girl, youíll feel a lot better when you do.
The aunts turn toward the door.
Zelda- (To Hilda) Do you remember how we got through?
Hilda- Erm... Oh left at the frozen steaks.
They exit... eventually while sabrina surveys her stuff to see what she can do without.
Sabrina- (To herself) Well I guess I donít need the sled. Oh but what if it snows next week? Oh! I can always donate these ballet slippers... although I have been intrigued by the world of dance. Yíknow, I donít see my aunts giving away any of their stuff.
An idea slowly comes into being and smile spreads across her face.
Int. Spellman attic. Sabrina gathers up dusty, old odds and ends and puts them into cardboard boxes.
Sabrina- (To herself) They said they wanted someone to clean out this old junk. Spoiled? Ha! Iím selfless.
Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. The rummage sale is already underway with people browsing round the stalls looking for that little oddity that they can get for a dollar and then discover that itís really a lost, priceless artefact. Sabrina enters loaded down with boxes and bags of just such oddities.
Mrs. Quick- Sabrina, I was getting worried, but look at all this wonderful stuff youíve brought.
Sabrina is only interested in her latest catalogue while Mrs. Quick reaches into a bag and pulls out a medal on a ribbon.
Mrs. Quick- (Cont.) An Olympic gold medal? Are you sure you wanna donate this?
Sabrina- Oh that old thing? Sure, I can always get more. (Under her breath) Maybe some medals would cheer me up.
Mrs. Quick- And the gold medal in synchronised swimming goes to... Mrs. Quick.
She places the medal round her neck and a tingle of magic shivers through the coffee house.
Mrs. Quick- (Cont.) Whatís everybody standiní around for? Weíve gotta raise more money than any other store in this street! Weíre gonna be number one!
She spots a couple sitting on a settee looking through an art book.
Mrs. Quick- (Cont.) Hey! Hey! Hey! This isnít a reading-room. Buy it or get out!
Int. Spellman living room. Salem is trying to train Sparky, his pet dogman.
Salem- Sit! Come on Sparky, sit!
Sparky- I know this.
He holds out his hand... erm paw? to shake.
Salem- No. Okay, shake hands.
Sparky- Iíve got this one.
He rests his chin on his hands looking soulful, begging.
Salem- No. Close, how about beg?
Sparky- Oh! Oh!
He sits on the floor.
Salem- Okay, so using you as my drivers not going to work.
Int. Hickory Dickory Clock. The bake sale is underway. A customer comes up to the counter to buy a small bag of buns.
Hilda- Thatís it, two muffins and a scone? Come on! Crack open the change purse a little missy, this is for charity.
Her sister enters carrying an empty tray having sold itís contents to passing trade.
Zelda- You know, sometimes I donít have enough faith in Sabrina. She turned right around and gave away her new things. Sheís giving up her Saturday to work on a charity drive, that girl has a heart of gold.
Hilda- Well it does run in the family.
Zelda turns and heads out once more having refilled her tray while Hilda turns to find her stingy customer has helped herself to a napkin.
Hilda- (Cont.) That napkins not free.
Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Harveyís swamped with customers at the rummage sale. He could do with a little help.
Harvey- Sabrina, could I get a little help over here?
Sabrina looks up from her catalogue and checks her watch.
Sabrina- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Iíll be right there.
She spots the watch on the waitresses wrist as she hands coffee to two customers.
Sabrina- (To waitress) Oh cool watch. I have one like that in my collection of pristine watches that are still in their original packaging but I forgot to buy one to wear. Ha!
The customers who are sat beside her grimace at their coffee.
Customer #1- I think the creams spoiled, does this smell funny to you?
Customer #2- (Smelling the cream) No, I think itís her.
He nods towards Sabrina and they both get up and move away. Sabrina doesnít notice, sheís too busy admiring all the new watches running up her arm all the way to her elbow.
Mr. Kraft has arrived to do his bit for charity and has found a carved wooden box that could be useful.
Mr. Kraft- This box would be perfect to store my gold brick. Iíll give you twenty-five cents for it.
Harvey- But itís marked ten dollars.
Mr. Kraft- Iím haggling.
Harvey- I get it, nine dollars?
Mr. Kraft- Twenty-five cents and I donít write you a detention slip?
He takes the money and Mr. Kraft leaves.
Harvey- (Cont.) To the man with the vicious scowl.
Brad comes up with a one foot tall cast-bronze lion in his hands.
Harvey- (Cont.) Hey, cool lion.
Brad- Hey thanks. Hey listen, I was just talking to Sabrina and...
Harvey- (Interrupting) Yeah, didnít she bring some great stuff? I just bought this hat.
He shows Brad his new yellow hard-hat.
Brad- Look, I know you think I donít like her, so donít take this the wrong way... but she reeks.
They look across at Sabrina sat on the settee, thumbing through yet another catalogue. There is a wide circle arround her completely devoid of people and a slight haze of fumes emanating from her. She looks up and smiles at Harvey.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem and Sparky are bonding.
Salem- All right Sparky, now that youíve calmed down and you have your leash on, Iím gonna take you for a walk.
Heís off. Once the leash has played out, so is Salem.
Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Harvey sits beside Sabrina on the settee with his pullover pulled up over his nose and mouth to quell the stench.
Sabrina- What do you mean, I reek?!
He edges a little further away from her.
Harvey- So much for being able to tell each other anything.
Sabrina- Sure, Iíve noticed a putrid, rotted, spoiled smell but it could only be coming from me if I was... spoiled rotten!... Excuse me.
She gets up grabbing her new mobile phone and moves away through the shop tapping in numbers. Customers gasp and gag, clutching their noses as she passes.
Int. Hickory Dickory Clock. Zelda answers the phone.
Zelda- Hickory Dickory Clock, weíve always got time for you.
Sabrina- Hi, itís just me checking in. So that was a close call on that getitis thing huh?
Zelda- Well you did have us worried, but you turned it around.
Sabrina- Er for the sake of conversation, letís say I hadnít?
Zelda- Youíd become spoiled rotten.
Zelda- Of course.
Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. A worried Sabrinaís still on the phone as she sees Hilda enter with a tray of brownies.
Sabrina- Aunt Hilda!
Zelda- Sheís not here.
Sabrina turns off the phone.
Mrs. Quick intercepts Hilda.
Mrs. Quick- Are you here to buy something?
Hilda- I just thought some of your customers might get hungry while theyíre junk shopping.
Mrs. Quick- Donít play innocent with me, youíre trying to help the Hondurans more than we are.
Hilda- Whatíya gonna do about it?
Mrs. Quick lives up to her name and thinks quick.
Mrs. Quick- (Calling out) Free brownies with every purchase!
Hilda is swamped and her tray picked clean
Hilda- No! No! No! No! No! Oh! Oh! Sabrina?
Darn sheís spotter her trying to hide amongst the crowd. Reluctantly Sabrina goes over to her aunt.
Sabrina- Oh, aunt Hilda.
Hilda- Oh what is that disgusting smell?
Sabrina- Not me! I-I think we have a little sewage problem.
Hilda is distracted by a shopper trying on a pair of ear-rings from the stall.
Hilda- Oh, I have a pair like those.
Sabrina- Who doesnít have rhinestone encrusted aardvarks? (Under her breath) Me, thatís who!
She reaches to her back pocket for her credit card.
Hilda- Well Iíd give you mine. Mine are magical.
Hilda- Yeah, they turn your hair a different colour every ten minutes. Impulse buy, I wonder where those are?
Sabrina looks past her aunt at the woman with the electric blue hair and rhinestone encrusted aardvark ear-rings.
Hilda- (Cont.) Oh, theyíre probably up in the attic with the rest of the magical junk.
Sabrinaís mouth falls open in shock.
Hilda- (Cont.) Well Iím going to get some more brownies. I have not yet begun to fight.
Sabrina- (To herself) Okay, donít panic. So Iíve sold magical items to half of Westbridge and Iím...
She looks down to see a pool of decomposed matter forming at her feet.
Sabrina- (Cont.) ...Spoiling rotten. I always thought the end of the world would involve more locust.
She gets to work packing away all the unsold magical items on the stall.
Mrs. Quick- Sabrina, what are you doing?
Sabrina- Err I just remembered, this stuff was stored very close to our collection of... asbestos dust.
She hurries out with her box of magical goodies and pulls the rhinestone encrusted aardvarks from the startled girl with the electric blue hair before leaving. She hasnít got all of the items though. Harveyís having a coffee break. The girl at the counter hands him a cup.
He puts on his new yellow hard hat and instantly his whole demeanour changes.
Harvey- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Sweetness. I asked yous for two percent, this is skimped. I think we got a problem Ďere.
Waitress- Yeah, you.
Harvey- Are you talkiní tí me? ĎCause if you are, bring those lips closer.
He puckers up making kissy sounds. The waitress backs away.
Int. Spellman Living room. Salemís trying to relax after being dragged (Literally) all around the neighbourhood by Sparky. He sits on the settee watching TV with a bowl of pop-corn. Sparky sits on the floor begging beside him.
Salem- But I just fed you?
Salem- Oh I canít take those sad puppyman eyes, take it.
Sparky dives mouth first into the bowl of pop-corn.
Salem- Youíre an animal.
Sparkyís ears prick-up at the sound of the front door and heís off to investigate. Itís Sabrina.
Sabrina- Salem! Emergency! My room, now!
She heads upstairs with her box as Sparky reaches her. He takes one sniff and yelps, running off to the kitchen to stick his nose in the trash-can to get a more pleasant smell.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh come on! Itís not that bad!
She sniffs her arm pits. It is that bad.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Salem! Make that crisis! My room, now!
She runs upstairs.
Int. Sabrinaís bedroom. The trusty magic book is out and being flipped through while Salem sits with a cloths-pin firmly pushed on his nose.
Salem- Iím usually opposed to calling in the Feds, but donít you think we might want to alert the aunties?
Sabrina- Are you kidding? Admit that I gave away their stuff without permission? Do you know nothing about teen rebellion?
Salem- I know what it smells like.
Sabrina- Oh! Here it is. (Reading) ĎGetitis. Sub-paragraph twelve, spoiled rotten.' Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. 'Horrible person.' Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. 'Slimy ouse.' Oh! 'To reverse the spoiling process, that which was lost must be regained.í What does that mean?
Salem- That the Democrats need to win back the congress?
Sabrina- Wait! I get it, it means that I have to get back all the stuff I gave away from the attic. Only someone spoiled rotten would give away stuff that didnít belong to them.
Salem- You were giving away stuff?
Sabrina sits down and starts writing notes.
Sabrina- Let's see. Um Mrs. Quick bought that medal. That must be why sheís acting so strange.
Salem- By all means, blame the medal.
Sabrina- Er Brad bought some stupid bronze lion. Phu! How bad could that be?
Int. Bradís bedroom. A lion snarls swinging itís deadly paws at the boy stood on the bed with only a wooden chair to protect himself with.
Brad- (Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob!) Nice kitty. (Sob! Sob!)
Int. Sabrinaís bedroom.
Sabrina- Er Harvey had some hat and Mr. Kraft bought some sort of little box.
Salem- Not Zeldaís replicating box?!
Sabrina- Maybe, but Iím sure he hasnít figured out how to use it yet.
Int. Westbridge High School principles office. Mr. Kraft reaches into his little box singing to himself to the tune of okay-cokay.
Mr. Kraft- You pick a gold brick out.
You pick a gold brick out.
You pull a gold brick out
and you shake it all about.
He adds the bricks to the steadily growing pile of bricks on his desk.
Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Wow, yíknow, this box could probably replicate anything, like food, or medicine... Nah! (Singing) You put your brick-e-wickies in a numbered Swiss account.
Thatís what itís all about. Ha-ha!
Int. Sabrinaís bedroom. Sheís finished making up her list of items to be retrieved.
Sabrina- Okay, Iíve just gotta round up half a dozen magical objects before I liquefy. Easy.
Salem- Thereís just one more problem.
Sabrina- Whatís that?
Salem- I hawk-up things that smell better than you.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina comes out of her bedroom to give Salem and Sparky a little fashion show. Sheís wearing a floor length coat made entirely of flowers accessorised with Christmas tree car deodoriser ear-rings.
Sabrina- Any better?
Sparky crawls over on hands and knees and has a good sniff. He nods his head yes.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Finally, have you any idea how hard it is to walk with six pairs of odour-eaters in your shoes?
She heads down stairs followed by an eager Sparky.
Int. Spellman living room. The pair come down stairs.
Sparky- Are we going out? Are we going out?
Sabrina- No, weíre not going out, Iím going out.
But when she opens the door Sparkyís grabbed his leash and is through before she can stop him.
Sabrina- (Calling after) Bad dogman!
Int. Hickory Dickory Clock. Mrs. Quick has gone over with her graph showing how each endeavour has fared in the charity stakes. Of course the rummage sale is well ahead of the bake sale.
Mrs. Quick- I thought it would be a fun way to keep track of how everyone is doing, namely how badly my rummage sale is trouncing your flour covered butts!
Hilda- If you think that glorified garage sale is going to beat...
Zelda- (Interrupting... and getting between the two women before it comes to blows.) Ladies! Ladies, please! Letís not forget whatís important.
Sheís met by two blank expressions.
Zelda- (Cont.) Helping the Hondurans?
Hilda- Yeah sure.
Mrs. Quick- Whatever.
Zelda pulls Hilda aside.
Hilda- Stop, I know what youíre gonna say. Youíre being mean spirited and aggressive.
Zelda- Normally I would let you go on but díyou see that medal around Mrs. Quickís neck? I think thatís my old competitive spirit medal. Remember, the one mother used to make me wear when I played field hockey because she said I had no killer instinct?
Hilda- Man you were such a priss.
Zelda- Thatís why sheís being so competitive, whatís your excuse?
She goes over to Mrs. Quick.
Zelda- Mrs. Quick, what a lovely medal.
Mrs. Quick- Oh.
Zelda- May I see it for a moment?
Mrs. Quick- Oh okay.
She takes off the medal and hands it to Zelda. The magic fades leaving the old Mrs. Quick.
Mrs. Quick- (Cont.) This really is a charming bake sale.
She picks up a bag of cookies.
Mrs. Quick- (Cont.) What do you call these? Also rans?
She grabs her graph and runs from the store.
Mrs. Quick- (Chanting) Weíre number one! Weíre number one!
Zelda- But then again, she may be a competitive nut all on her own.
She notices pedestrians outside staring at something and stepping out of the way as some strange fetish aficionados come into view. A petite blonde girl in a flower coat leading a man dressed entirely in black by a dog leash. Sabrina leads the dogman into the clock shop and hands the leash to Hilda.
Hilda- Sabrina! What on earth are you wearing?
Zelda- And would you care to explain this?
She holds out the medal.
Sabrina- Er glamour donít, and no. Gotta go.
Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Harvey gets a stinging slap across the face from the waitress heís been coming onto as Sabrina enters.
Harvey- (To the waitress) What! Alls I said was ĎWalk that by me one more time.í
Harvey- Hey, looking good. Hows about yous planting a wet one on yer old man?
Sabrina- Ah gimme that hat.
She whips it off his head. The magic fades.
Harvey- Sabrina, you have car deodorisers in your ears?
Sabrina- Well theyíd look ridiculous on my shoes.
Harvey has to agree.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Have you er seen Brad or Mr. Kraft?
Harvey- Mr. Kraft said he was going to Y2K proof his computer before the millennium bug rains anarchy down on our pitiful world and I donít know what happened to Brad.
Sabrina- Oh well Iím sure heís fine.
Int. Bradís bedroom. His wooden chair is looking slashed and gnawed through. Itís not going to keep the big cat at bay for much longer. Desperately he reaches into the depths of his pocket and tosses something onto the floor. The lion goes after it.
Brad- (Sob!) That was my last Skittle, youíre not still hungry are you?
The lion roars hungrily.
Brad- Ahh! (Sob! Sob! Sob!)
He cowers behind the remains of his chair.
Int. Westbridge High School hallway. A walking flowerbed heads for the principles office praying.
Sabrina- Please be here.
She knocks on the principles door.
Sabrina- (Calling) Mr. Kraft! Mr. Kraft!!
The door opens and Mr. Kraft sticks his head out.
Mr. Kraft- What do you want?
Sabrina- Er thereís a little problem with that box you bou...
Mr. Kraft- (Interrupting) No, there is no problem with that box. Itís absolutely perfect. Thank you.
The door closes in Sabrinaís face.
Sabrina- (Under hear breath) I really donít have time for this.
She opens her coat to reveal that she decomposing as she stands there leaving horrible smelling ouse stains on the tiles.
Int. Principle Kraftís office. Mr. Kraft heads back to his desk that creaking under the weight of the gold bricks on it. Sabrina enters uninvited and he spins round.
Mr. Kraft- Miss Spellman, get out! These bricks are mine, all mine. You canít have any of them, not even one.
Sabrina- I donít want any of your bricks, I just want my box back. Please?
He grabs the box from his desk and clutches it tight to him, backing away.
Mr. Kraft- Oh, what kind of idiot do you think I am?
Sabrina- Talk about your essay questions.
Mr. Kraft- Whatís happening to your legs! Look at you!!
Sabrina does and sees that things are getting rapidly worse. The entire lower part of her legs are now seeping into a sloppy pile of foul compost. It bubbles and ferments.
Sabrina- Oh-no! Er-er look at you! Youíre a paranoid mess!
Mr. Kraft- A rich paranoid mess.
Sabrina- Oh, youíre so consumed with making your bricks I bet you forgot which one was special? Which one you worked so hard for?
Mr. Kraft- Sure I know, it was this one... No, it was this... No, it was...
Sabrina- (Interrupting) And how many is it gonna take to make you happy huh? One thousand? Two thousand bricks? A dozen watches? hundreds of sweaters?
Mr. Kraft- (Confused) I have three sweaters tops.
Sabrina- Look at how pathetic we are. You with your bricks and me with all my stuff and we completely forgot about the people of Honduras.
Mr. Kraft- (Still confused) Iíve never met them!
Sabrina- Yíknow, Iíve been such an enormous spoiled brat. I mean it wasnít the things in the attic I lost, it was my appreciation for whatís really important. People!
Thereís a slurping sound below and Sabrina looks down to see her normal feet un-gunked with decaying matter and that smells gone too, so you can stop holding your noses now.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey! Iíve stopped rotting!
Mr. Kraft- What happened? Wait a minute, who... Who are you? I know! Youíre one of those aliens arenít you?
She points at her head and smiles as it starts to twirl round and round at tremendous speed on her neck. It finally stops spinning to reveal a large scaled head with black oval eyes and barbs under the drooping mouth.
Sabrina- (In a alien voice) Youíre too smart for us Willard. We couldnít fool you by pretending to be one of your students.
Mr. Kraft- Well I am a little sharper than your average earthling.
Sabrina- Silence! Give me our box!
Mr. Kraft- Of course. Sorry, take it.
He hands it over.
Sabrina- And donate all your bricks to the charity drive.
Mr. Kraft- All of them?
Sabrina- Donít make me fire-up the probe.
Mr. Kraft- No!
Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Sabrinaís brought loads more stuff to sell. Harvey helps her bring it in.
Harvey- Sabrina, where did you get all this?
Sabrina- Oh itís just junk I had lying around. I figured I didnít need it anymore.
Customer #3- Oh, a new DVD player. Iíll give ya fifty bucks.
Mrs. Quick snatches the money from her hand.
Mrs. Quick- Yes!!! We are going to win this time for sure. We will drink deep from the cup of our enemies annihilation.
She laughs maniacally.
Later. The scores are in and despite all her efforts Mrs. Quick has come a poor second. One donation has gone way off her chart.
Mrs. Quick- How could I lose?
Mr. Kraft- And so I'm happy to give this gold to the needy. Charity should span all borders, be they earthly or... beyond.
Hilda- I still think Zelda and I could have pulled it off if something... or someone hadnít eaten all our cookies!
Sparky looks up from licking clean the last tray of cookies. Sabrina goes to console Mrs. Quick.
Sabrina- Mrs. Quick, I know how hard you worked on the charity drive and thatís why I want to give you this.
Mrs. Quick- Your charm bracelet? Oh Sabrina I couldnít, youíve already given so much and it means so much to you.
Sabrina- But thatís why I want you to have it, because I know itíll make you happy and that means so much more to me.
Mrs. Quick- Oh thank you Sabrina, I hope I donít have to declare this on my taxes.
Hilda and Zelda come over having witnessed Sabrinaís generosity.
Zelda- You know Sabrina, in a strange way weíre actually very proud of you.
Sabrina- For being an obnoxious spoiled brat, giving away family treasures, almost rotting into a slimy blob and convincing your boyfriend that he was accosted by aliens?
Zelda- I said ĎIn a strange wayí
Harvey comes over concerned.
Harvey- Hey, have you seen Brad? Iíve been calling him for hours.
Sabrina- Er Brad?!
She remembers sheís forgotten all about him and his bronze lion. As she jumps up he enters clutching the artefact in question with his clothes in torn tatters and a terrified expression on his face. He puts it down on the table.
Brad- Iíd like to return this.
Sabrina- (Brightly) Hi Brad. Um yíknow what? Youíre our twenty-sixth customer today, so you get a free T-shirt... and some Tapaco ointment.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina sits on the linen basket with Salem waiting for visitors from the Other Realm.
Salem- But I donít wanna get rid of him! I love him!
Sabrina- We all do but heís too much responsibility for you, and Sparkyís gonna love being with his new family. I hear theyíve a huge farm in the Other Realm that...
The closet door-bell rings. As the thunder of their guests arrival sounds Sparky comes running up the stairs excited.
Sparky- Someoneís here! Someoneís here! Someoneís here!
Sabrina opens the door to a family of dogs.
Mrs. McVee- Weíre the McVeeís, weíre here for Sparky.
Salem- (To Sparky) Iím gonna miss you boy.
Mr. McVee- Son, heís your responsibility.
Young McVee- Iíll take care of him, I promise.
Salem- (To Sabrina) Do you think I could have a lama?