Episode LXXXI: The Phantom Menace

Int. The Westbridge Undertakers. A storm brews outside that must have knocked the power out because candles are the only illumination. Eirie organ music plays. A black coffin sits alone. There’s a creaking sound as the lid opens revealing it’s satin, blood red interior. A spectral mist emanates and a yellow eyed creature with sharp fangs dressed in black emerges.

Salem- How do you like my new litter-box? He-ha-ha-ha-ha! Halloween, is it just a date on the calendar that people from England don’t know about? Or is it a state of mind? Or is it a state of be-ing? I frankly... don’t know, but come along on our Halloween journey and maybe by the end we’ll all know.

A high pitched scream chills the air.

Salem- Is this lining real satin?

Run opening credits.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Harvey catches up with Sabrina.

Harvey- Sabrina, could you help me pick up some stuff this afternoon?

He hand her a list.

Sabrina- (Reading) Water-balloons, toilet-paper, dry-ice, rotten eggs?

Harvey- One more thing, could you find out where the biology lab gets those pigs in formaldehyde?

Sabrina- Is your mom on another one of her crazy diets?

Harvey- We only have...

He checks his watch.

Harvey- (Cont.) Thirty-three hours and twelve minutes left to Halloween night. We’ve gotta start planing our pranks and tricks now.

Sabrina- I can’t, Dreama and I are gonna go looking for after school jobs today. We figured the best time to do it would be... after school.

Harvey- But this could be our last hurrah! My dad says that the Westbridge City Council’s gonna make it illegal for kids over the age of seventeen to trick-or-treat. That’s just wrong.

Sabrina- And I was going to march against sweat-shop labour in the orient but now I’ve got this.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. It’s decorated in festive mode with pumpkin lanterns a plenty. Sabrina and Dreama enter after their job hunting.

Sabrina- I can’t believe how few glamorous, high paying, after school jobs there are for inexperienced teenagers.

Dreama- Life is so unfair.

A young college student with a beard comes up to them smiling.

College Guy- So, have you decided? If you’re an existentialist, an idealist or denialist?

Sabrina- Actually, currently I’m an unemployedist.

College Guy- I thought you were in my philosophy class, sorry.

He leaves.

Dreama- Can you believe it? A real live college student was talking to you.

Sabrina- College is gonna be so great. We’re gonna take classes like philosophy and hang out in places like this with guys who... take philosophy.

They sit down on one of the settee’s

Dreama- Why don’t you get a job here?

Sabrina- That would be great! This place is so cool and... none of the furniture matches.

Dreama- Do you know how to make coffee?

Sabrina- No, but if my cat can do it when he’s half asleep, how hard can it be?

A handsome young guy comes and starts clearing empty coffee cups and cream jugs from the table. Sabrina seizes the moment.

Sabrina- Oh, excuse me. Um I’d like to speak to the manager.

Josh- Are you from the health department?

Sabrina- No.

Josh- Then I’m the manager. I’m also the cashier, the table busser and the bouncer. As a matter of fact, do you know what they call me?

Sabrina- What?

Josh- Josh.

He moves away towards the counter with his tray. Sabrina chases after.

Sabrina- Oh, well excuse me Mr. er Josh. Um, I’m looking for a job.

Josh- You are huh? You got any experience?

Sabrina- Experience? Ha, I travel with my own Medelco filters.

Josh- So you’ve got no idea how to make coffee?

Sabrina- ...None.

College Guy- Can I get a little service?

Josh- Oh I’m sor.. oh!

He trips, the tray goes flying, cups full of dregs, cream, sweetener are about to decorate the carpet when a feminine finger flicks. Sabrina catches the lot one handed. Josh looks stunned.

Josh- (To Sabrina) Nice save! If you can pour as well as you catch, you’re hired.

Sabrina- (Excited, jumping for joy) Fantastic! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! (Calm) This is gonna make it hard to negotiate salary, isn’t it?

Int. Hickory Dickory Clock. Hilda and Zelda enter. Salem’s been watching the store.

Salem- So, was the roller-coaster scary?

Hilda- Scary? They make you sign an organ-donor form before letting you on.

Zelda- We rode upside-down holding boiling soups and lawn-darts.

Hilda- And still... not scary. Here it is, Halloween season, and we can’t find one thing to scare us.

Zelda- Perhaps we should give that dentist who works without novocain another try.

Int. Spellman kitchen. The counter is covered by an enormous copper coffee brewer. Sabrina pours a cup of the black stuff and heads round to Dreama.

Sabrina- In just a few hours people will be mistaking me for Juan Valdes. All right, let me know what you think, and be brutal.

Dreama tastes the brew and coughs, gagging.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh come on, it can’t be that bad.

Dreama- You try it.

Sabrina takes a sip.

Sabrina- It’s fine... Just a little chewy.

She picks a piece of coffee from her teeth.

Int. Hickory Dickory Clock, workroom.

Hilda- It’s been decades since I’ve enjoyed the sweet taste of terror.

Salem- Your wait has come to an end my fright craving friend. Suppose the three of us go to a graveyard and I’ll read some of the ghost stories I’ve written. ‘The Tales of Salem’

They turn and look at him.

Salem- (Cont.) See? The mere prospect paralyses you with fear.

Zelda- No, but your sad little suggestion gave me an idea. D’you know who writes stories that are truly scary? Edgar Allan Poe.

Hilda- You’re right! Hey, let’s make use of our time travel clock and invite him for an Halloween dinner?

Salem- Don’t tell me you’re scared by sissy-pants Poe?

Hilda- Are you implying that the author of ‘The tell-tale heart’ isn’t scary?

Salem- His stories are scary ‘cause I gave him all his best ideas. If it weren’t for old Salem, you’d be shivering to ‘The tell-tale kidney’

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Sabrina has her little apron on and listens intently as Josh shows her the ropes on her first day at work.

Josh- Okay, here’s the correct way to bus a table. First, the trash.

He gathers up used napkins and sugar wrappers and drops them into the deep plastic tray he carries.

Josh- (Cont.) Try to avoid screaming ‘Yuck!’ at the top of your lungs.

Sabrina- I once saw my vice principle in his boxer-shorts... not a peep.

Josh- Next, the mugs, all right? I like to pretend the half full ones mean good luck.

He places the mugs in the tray tipping all the dregs into one.

Josh- (Cont.) And then you reach the mother-lode... A-whole-quarter-tip! Do you think you can handle that table?

He gestures to one just being vacated.

Sabrina- Yeah, just hand me a germ-laden rag and I’m on it.

He hands the slops tray to Sabrina who heads of to start her career in catering.

Josh- Oh by the way, I know it’s last minute but is there any chance you could work the night-shift on Halloween?

Sabrina- Y’mean while everyone else is goofing-off, I get to make coffee and wash dirty cups?

Josh- And clean the spill-tray.

Sabrina- All this and minimum wage? Where do I get my shots?

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda has been down in the dungeon digging out the old skeletons... and other Halloween decorations. Zelda comes from the kitchen excited.

Zelda- Great news Hildie! Edgar Allan Poe R.S.V.P.’d. We’re on our way to being truly scared.

She hands Hilda the card, still hot from the toaster.

Hilda- Ooo! He even wrote it in blood!

Zelda- Actually I think that’s red crayon.

Hilda- Good, there’s scary and there’s gross.

Sabrina arrives home from work.

Zelda- Hi Sabrina, how’s our favourite coffee maker?

Sabrina- Er the correct term is ‘Barista’ I love my job. College kids are so sophisticated, They talk about art, and literature, and foreign films. By the way, who’s Jack Carroac? What’s cubism? And can I get a futon?

Hilda- While you’re here, can you give us a hand?

She opens the box of decorations.

Zelda- Edgar Allan Poe is coming for dinner, we want the house to be really scary so he’ll be comfortable.

Hilda- I thought the sound of clanking chains might be nice.

She points, creating an eirie clunk and clink of chains dragging across the attic floor above.

Zelda- I was thinking more along the lines of thunder and lightning.

She points dragging a crashing thunder storm over the house. The windows are illuminated by flashes of lightning.

Sabrina- So much for the tool-shed.

Zelda- Let’s get decorating.

She reaches into the box and pulls out a plastic skeleton. Hilda grabs it and tries to take it from her.

Hilda- It’s my turn to hang up the skeleton.

Zelda- You’re dreaming, you always get to hang up the skeleton.

Hilda- Well then it’s tradition. Gimme!

A tug-of-war starts between the aunts.

Sabrina- Don’t make me separate you two! What is it about this holiday that makes people act so immature?

Zelda- (Whining) Well she started it.

Sabrina- Pranks and hockie horror stuff. Y’know, lucky for me, I’ve got plans for Halloween. I’m gonna be working at the coffee house.

Zelda- Sabrina, you’re a witch. Witches can’t run away from Halloween.

Sabrina- Watch me, I’m done with all this kids stuff.

A deep, spooky wail echoes through the house setting the tiny hairs on the back of Sabrina’s neck on end.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, that was ominous.

Hilda- Yeah, it didn’t scare me a bit.

Zelda- Me either.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina enters to find Salem on her bed with the phone. He looks up.

Salem- You know I’ve been thinking of revising my will and leaving you my entire collection of ‘Pez’ dispensers.

Sabrina- What d’ya want?

Salem- A ride to the graveyard tonight? Pleeease?

Sabrina- No can do, I’ve gotta work.

The moan reverberates around the house once more. Sabrina shivers but Salem seams un-effected..

Salem- Oh that’s right. You’ve got that nice boss, real generous guy, always thinking of others, giving of himself.

Sabrina- Your point?

Salem- D’ya think he’d give me a ride to the graveyard?

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Sabrina and Josh stand looking at two mugs of... stuff.

Josh- Y’know I’m really surprised our special pumpkin flavoured coffee hasn’t been more popular.

Sabrina- Do you think it has anything to do with the fact that it’s a hideous shade of orange and it tastes like pumpkin?

Josh shrugs thinking Sabrina may have a point as a pirate and a lion enter carrying plastic bags..

Harvey,The lion & Brad, The pirate- Trick or treat?!

Sabrina- None of the above.

Harvey- Great costumes huh? You wouldn’t believe how hard it was to find ones that fit... and it’s flame-retardant.

Sabrina- Aren’t you a little old for this?

Harvey- Not until the City Council passes that law and this is gonna be a Halloween for the record books. We’re gonna warm-up by egging coach Cook’s house, work in a cow-tip or two and time permitting, wrap things up by streaking across old lady Blankanchip’s front yard.

Sabrina- I’m glad to see you’ve added subtlety to your bag of tricks this year.

Brad- Bro. come on, why are we still standing here? We should be out there burning poop.

Sabrina gives him a ‘Yuck!’ look.

Harvey- (To Sabrina) Hey, I know how much you love Tootsie-pops, so I’ll save any I get for you.

Sabrina- Er, Wash you’re hands first.

The boys are off to reak havoc on an unsuspecting Westbridge.

Sabrina- (To Josh) A-ha, cute kids. Now I guess that’s what happens when pregnant women smoke.

Josh removes his apron.

Josh- Well I’ve got to get to the library and finish my essay on Shakespeare’s comedies. I’ve compared, and now I’m ready to contrast.

Sabrina- Wait a minute! You’re gonna leave me here to run things by myself?

Josh- Yeah, that’s why I asked you to work tonight. I really need someone I can trust, the last guy I left here rented it out to bikers.

Sabrina- But how do you know you can trust me? I’ve only worked here one day and I have very shifty eyes.

She squints and waggles her eyes around.

Josh- (Smiling) I’ll only be a couple of hours. I’ll be back in time to help you close up.

Sabrina- But what if someone comes in here and wants to order something?

Josh- You... give it to them?

Sabrina grimaces worried.

Josh- (Cont.) I promise you, Halloween night here is so easy. The place is a morgue.

He leaves and doesn’t hear the spooky moan that invades his coffee house. Sabrina gets goosebumps all over to go with her anxiety and the slight sadness that she wont have the company of the good looking Josh.

Later. Things have been quiet and Sabrina’s feeling more comfortable as she fills up the coffee urns.

Sabrina- (To herself) Josh was right, I can handle this and he’s depending on me.

The wail comes again, robbing Sabrina of her new found confidence and having her looking around nervously.

Sabrina- (Scared) And that’s not scary!!

Zelda’s spectral voice- You’re a witch Sabrina, you can’t run away from Halloween.

Sabrina- (Cont.) And that’s just the onset of senility.

A customer enters and approaches the counter.

Sabrina- Oh, may I help you?

His face looks like something Buffy Summers would be hunting.

Customer- I er... wanna chop you up in little pieces.

Sabrina- You want what?!!

Customer- I wanna cup of coffee.

His face is now normal and friendly. She turns to the coffee flasks and tries to calm herself.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Okay, I’m just letting my imagination get the best of me, but if I turn around and he’s got an axe, he loses the benefit of the doubt.

She pours the coffee to take away and pops a lid on as she returns to the counter.

Sabrina- Okay, Um well would you like to join our bescomy of the month club?

The customer takes a big swig from his cup and winces.

Customer- I-I don’t think I’ll be back. This coffee’s so strong it could wake the dead.

He leaves and doesn’t hear the long, drawn-out groan of despair that rattles the crockery and leaves Sabrina feeling distinctly rattled also.

Ext. Rear of the coffee house. Sabrina comes out with the urn. A cat yelps in the distance followed by a dog barking.

Sabrina- Wake the dead! What was that guy talking about? I mean this batch was almost liquid.

She tips the almost liquid coffee sludge down the drain and goes back inside. Steam from the hot coffee rises from the drain followed by two flesh-challenged hands that grasp the grate and push upwards.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Sabrina looks around the deserted shop while putting English muffins in the display.

Sabrina- See? Everything is fine. So far I’ve served five or six people and not a single attempt on my life.

BANG!

Sabrina screams with fright until she looks around to see the tray that has fallen of the counter onto the floor. Her nerves are a mess.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, calm down. It’s just the muffin tray. Muffins aren’t remotely scary, they’re fat-free.

She picks up the tray and the scattered muffins and stands up to see a black cowled figure with a menacing clown face with smiling, filed sharp, teeth.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I’M GONNA DIE!!!

BANG!! The tray hits the floor once more as Dreama takes off her Halloween mask.

Sabrina- Hi Dreama.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda’s waiting dressed up for her dinner date. He arrives, accompanied by Zelda. He looks a little pale against the black cape and top-hat he’s wearing.

Zelda- Hilda, I’d like you to meet Mr. Poe.

He doffs his hat politely.

Hilda- It’s such a pleasure to meet you.

Edgar Allen Poe- Ah thanks for the ride.

His voice sounds like grating tomb stones.

Hilda- (Excited to Zelda) That voice! It’s so scary. Can I take your cape?

She takes it from his shoulders and shows it to Zelda while Mr. Poe moves into the living room.

Zelda- No garment could be scarier.

Hilda- This is the stuff of nightmares.

Salem sits on the stairs landing watching the aunts hurry after the scary guest.

Salem- (To himself) The only thing scary about that cape is that he died in it and never had it cleaned. Well if no-one wants to listen to my horror stories, I’ll go shred some beloved sweaters.

He dashes off upstairs.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Things are getting busy and there’s still no sign of Josh. The queue reaches to the door.

Sabrina- (To Dreama) Apperantly an A.A. meeting just let out. Would you mind giving me a hand back here?

Dreama- I’ve never really made a cappuccino before.

Sabrina- Oh, well that’s were good, old fashioned American ingenuity comes in handy... Okay, and a little magic.

She checks to see that no-ones watching.

Sabrina- (Incanting) Frothy milk, nice and hot to whip me up two low-fat latte’s.

She does the two fingered point and the coffee’s ready, but something is missing. She holds her hand in front of her mouth and makes a cappuccino making sound before serving the waiting customer with the perfect results.

Sabrina- Okay, there ya go.

Ext. Rear of the coffee house. Things are getting busy and there’s still no sign of Josh. The queue reaches to the grate where another un-dead zombie climbs out.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Hilda finds Salem sulking in one of his favourite napping spots. Sabrina’s windowsill.

Hilda- There you are. Listen, Zelda forgot to pick up the one thing that will make Edgar Allan Poe feel at home.

Salem- An open bar?

Hilda- A black cat.

Salem- Forget it.

Hilda- Fine, then I’ll go for my second choice.

She points. Salem now has a black beak on his nose held in place with an elastic band, a few straggly black feathers and midnight black wings that move the still air as they flex.

Salem- Quoth the raven, ‘Bite me’

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Things have quietened down. The last of the sudden rush of customers leave.

Dreama- Finally, we get a moment to relax.

Sabrina- I know, y’know I have to admit that before you got here I was feelin’ sort of...

Lightning flashes outside the front door of the shop illuminating shadowy, slouching and shambling figures outside. The lights inside flicker and fade leaving them bathed in the spooky orange glow of the Jack-o-lanterns.

Sabrina- (Cont.)(Afraid) ...afraid!

Later. The girls have found and lighted candles and huddle close together.

Dreama- There’s nothing to be afraid of, it’s just a severe thunder storm.

Sabrina- On a calm, cloud free evening. This has nothing to do with my aunts trying to warn me that I couldn’t avoid Halloween.

A moan from the very depths of hell answers her question.

Sabrina- Stop that!!

Dreama- Oh good, I thought that was my stomach.

A flash of lightning reveals faces at the window clamouring to get in.

Sabrina- What kind of people go out for coffee in weather like this?

They go over for a closer look. it appears to be people with green rotting flesh hanging from skeletal faces, evil red, glowing eyes dressed in clothing that hasn’t been washed in a decade. Sabrina turns to Dreama.

Sabrina- (Cont.) The flesh eating zombie kind.

The girls scream in terror.

Int. Spellman dining room. Edgar is enjoying his meal.

Edgar Allen Poe- Oh lady’s, That was the best meal I’ve had in years. In the after-life they don’t cook with salt.

Zelda smiles and takes his plate over to the sideboard where Hilda is preparing the cheese and crackers.

Zelda- Can you believe how much roast beef he ate? Talk about the pig and the pendulum, and four desserts!

Hilda- That’ll teach you to serve rum-cake.

Zelda- Still we’re lucky to have the scariest writer of all time as our Halloween guest.

They return to the table.

Hilda- Mr. Poe, would this be a good time for you to read us a story?

Edgar Allan Poe- Absolutely, if you don’t mind I’d like to read something new.

He pulls out his dog-eared story book. Hilda screams.

Hilda- I’m just practising.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. The un-dead zombies are beating on the door. Sabrina and Dreama hide behind the settee hoping they will go away and eat someone else’s flesh.

Sabrina- I could be wrong but I don’t think that lock was built to withstand an onslaught from the un-dead.

Dreama- What are we gonna do?

Sabrina- I don’t know. Wait a minute, we’re witches. ‘I don’t feel like visiting with walking corpses today, please make those zombies go away.’

She points to activate her incantation but her spell just bounces off them.

Sabrina- (Cont.) U-oh! We’ll just have to get rid of them the old-fashioned way.

Dreama- What’s that?

Sabrina- Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Heeeelp!

Int. Spellman dining room. The mood is set. The lighting subdued, chains rattling in the attic, thunder crashing outside. In fact it’s pretty noisy in there.

Hilda- Zelda, do you mind turning down your thunder?

Zelda- If you’ll turn down your clanking chains.

They both point and finally it’s quiet enough for Edgar to begin.

Edgar Allan Poe- Very well. (Reading) ‘A poem by Edgar Allan P...’

The phone rings interrupting the mystro of horror. He jumps looking around rubbing his temples..

Edgar Allan Poe- What is that ringing?

Zelda- A tel-a-phone. That’s how we communicate these days.

Edgar Allan Poe- Haven’t you people ever heard of E-mail?

Hilda- (Calling out) Salem! Get the phone! (To Edgar) Go ahead, curdle our blood.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. The phone is never far from Salem but he’s a little preoccupied plucking black raven feathers from his butt. He spits one out.

Salem- Phtoo! (Mimicking Hilda) Salem, we’re too busy being scared out of our wits to answer the phone.

So he does it.

Salem- (On phone) Hello?

Sabrina- Salem, exactly what did my aunts mean when they said that I couldn’t avoid Halloween?

Salem- I’m fine, how are you?

Sabrina- Salem?!

Salem- If you run away from Halloween, Halloween will find you... and it won’t be happy.

Sabrina- Urrr! And once Halloween has found you, how do you get it to un-find you?

Salem- That’ll require research.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. The door finally gives way under the growing pressure of the zombie nation.

Sabrina- (Down phone) Do it! And hurry!

Salem- Right, like I’ve got nothing better to do than save your anti-Halloween butt.

But he’s already been cut-off as the un-dead start filing into the coffee house. Sabrina and Dreama back away as far as possible as more and more enter.

Sabrina- Of all the ways to go, death by zombie? I can’t bear to look!

They cover their eyes waiting to feel the first lump of succulent teenage flesh being torn from their young bodies. More monsters of the night file in. One of them has that well known instrument of torture in his hands. A boom-box. The zombie hits the play button. Music starts pumping out. The zombies react.

Sabrina- What are they doing? Are they clawing at our flesh?

Dreama- Actually... They’re having a party.

The Backstreet Boys ‘Larger that life’ plays over the following.

Dancing zombies aren’t that pretty to look at... or smell and Sabrina moves amongst the good-time-ghouls to where the tape-player is. A zombie is in the process of turning it up louder. She pulls his arm away from the dial and it’s shoulder. She screams and throws it away.

Is it possible to have a party without some brain-dead person starting a conga line? I think not. They weave dancing through the shop. Sabrina sees where they’re heading and opens the back door for them. Out they go and She closes and locks the door glad to be rid of at least half of her gate-crashers.

Those that remain are playing catch. They toss the ball from one to another. It comes to Sabrina who catches it. The ball looks up at Sabrina with dead, lifeless eyes and winks. With a scream she tosses the head back into the crowd.

Dreama stands watching the happy crowd smiling and dancing along. There’s a knock at the back door. She opens it letting the conga-line back in. Sabrina throws her arms up in defeat as Dreama joins on the end of the line.

There’s nothing like a good shot of caffeine to keep a body going at a party. Bodies are helping themselves to coffee at the counter. Sabrina watches helplessly and tries to clean up. It’s not so easy when some guests think it’s fun to dump all the rubbish out of the trash-cans over their fellow revolting revellers heads.

Another group a party animals arrive, news travels fast when there’s a good party around. These are leather clad hells angels straight from that well known night-club, ‘The Pits of Hell’ Sabrina and Dreama try to keep them out but there are just too many.

The shop is pretty much trashed when Sabrina pulls Dreama aside.

Sabrina- I am so fired. Josh is gonna be back any second and I’m pretty sure zombies are much messier than bikers.

The phone rings and Sabrina makes her way over to it, pushing past rotting corpses on her way.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Excuse me. Yuck! Yuck! Sorry, yuck! Just because their bodies are ripe doesn’t mean they can’t shower once in a while.

She picks up the phone.

Sabrina- (Down phone) Hello?

Salem- Here’s the deal, to get out of your predicament, you have to experience the fun of Halloween.

Sabrina- Fun? I’m up to my arms in... arms!

Salem- If I may suggest some fun, think of a trip to the graveyard to listen to ‘Salem’s horror stories’

The phone goes dead.

Salem- (Cont.) Hello?

Sabrina turns round to find the music has stopped and the ungrateful un-dead have found a new amusement.

Sabrina- What fresh hell is this?

She makes her way to the center of the shop where a silly-string battle is taking place. She immediately comes under fire from both sides.

Sabrina- (Cont.) You don’t understand! My boss trusted me to keep an eye on this place and if he comes back and it’s not aw!!...

She’s draped from head to foot in silly string and she’s not someone who’s unable to see a lost cause when it squirts it in her face.

Sabrina- (Cont.) This is what happens when you try to reason with someone who’s decaying.

A white streamer comes flying through the open front door.

Zombie- Toilet paper!

Sabrina- Oh great! Just what I need, more Halloween fun.

Harvey- (OS) Brad! Gimme another roll.

Sabrina- Wait a minute! That is what I need.

Dreama- That’s Harvey and Brad.

Sabrina- (Calling out) Harvey! Quit teepeeing the Christian Science Reading-room and get over here!

Harvey and Brad enter loaded down with toilet paper and take in the scene.

Harvey- Interesting clientele.

Brad- What’s that smell?

Sabrina- This is our last year we can trick-or-treat right? So let's make it count.

She takes a roll from Harvey and tosses it over a ceiling beam.

Brad- Gee Sabrina, we thought you were too mature for Halloween.

Sabrina- Oh stop talking and start teepeeing.

Toilet paper flies everywhere until the whole room and all the zombies are covered in it. To cap it off they start working their way round the room wrapping the walking dead up in toilet paper. Round and round they go with the double strength, more caring toilet tissue until the revellers are all tied up. The captured corpses shuffle away and awkwardly out of the front door as a breathless Sabrina and Dreama congratulate themselves.

Dreama- They’re leaving.

Sabrina- Whoo-hoo! We broke the spell! Oh wait! Who forgot their foot?

Harvey- (To Brad) What did I tell you about Sabrina’s pranks? Her family takes Halloween very seriously.

Brad- And you keep telling me they’re not weird.

Sabrina- Harvey, you were right. Y'know, why don’t I just loosen up and enjoy Halloween? As long as little kids aren’t making fun of us to our faces.

Harvey- You’re the best.

Smiling she stretches up and kisses her lion-king as Brad and Dreama start the hopeless task of tidying up the coffee house.

Int. Spellman dining room. Hilda and Zelda sit listening to Edgar read. There eyes bare an uncanny resemblance to those of the zombies that have just left the coffee house.

Edgar Allan Poe- (Reading) I love you enough to let you walk.
But I love you too much to let you run.

Zelda stifles a yawn, Hilda doesn’t bother to stifle hers.

Edgar Allan Poe- (Cont.) But you don’t wanna walk, you wanna run.
Let’s skip.

He turns the page.

Edgar Allan Poe- (Cont.) Part seventeen...

Hilda- (Interrupting) Excuse me Mr. Poe, I don’t mean to interrupt but we thought you were gonna read us something less... dull.

Zelda- She means er something scary.

Edgar Allan Poe- Har? I haven’t done that tripe in years. There’s a much bigger market in inspirational writing.

Hilda- Is that what this is?

Zelda- Hilda, he’s our guest, we have to be polite.

Edgar Allan Poe- (Reading) Rainbows and sparkles,
kittens in a box.

Zelda- (Aside to Hilda) He’s goin' down.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. The place is still a tip and the girls can’t use magic to clear up until the boys have gone, especially Brad, the witch hunter.

Sabrina- See you guys later and er... don’t let all the crickets lose in Mr. Kraft’s house until I get there.

The boys and Dreama leave.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Okay, a quick clean-up and I’m home-free. So I don’t get fired and take a lot of flack, please help me clean-up before my boss gets...

Josh- (Interrupting) Sabrina?

He enters stepping carefully over the piles of toilet paper.

Sabrina- Oh Josh! Hi.

Josh- What happened to this place? Look at all this toilet paper.

Sabrina- Oh, you wouldn’t believe how many kids came dressed as Mr. Whipple this year. I’m sorry.

Josh- I know it’s easy to get behind on your bussing when you’re the only one here but...?

Sabrina- Am I fired? I mean I know I have to clean-up and all but after that, am I fired?

He looks at her worried face and thinks it over.

Josh- Well it is Halloween, people should have fun.

He looks at the front door hanging from it’s hinges.

Josh- (Cont.) And we are insured. Hey, what’s that?!

He points behind her. Sabrina turns expecting the worst but...

Sabrina- I don’t see any...

She turns back to Josh to find him replaced by a green faced Zombie. She jumps back screaming as the zombie peels it’s face off to reveal a laughing Josh under the rubber mask.

Josh- Wow! I guess this was worth fourteen ninety-five. Are you okay?

Sabrina- Yeah, as soon as my heart starts beating again I’ll be swell.

Josh- Well I heard you liked them so I brought you a Tootsie-pop.

He pulls the lolly-pop from his jacket pocket and hands it to her.

Sabrina- Thanks. So really... I’m not fired?

Int. Spellman living room. Salem sits on the cupboard behind the settee and reads his horror stories.

Salem- (Reading) Though she screamed as loud as she could, not a sound could be heard, for the water slowly but inexorable rose over her face.

Sabrina and Dreama enter from the front door.

Sabrina- Poor Salem. He was so determined to read his stories whether anyone listened or not.

The girls head off upstairs while Salem continues his tale.

Salem- (Reading) Till at last... she was no more. The end.

He looks up at his terrified audience who kneel before the settee clutching pillows to their breasts with their hair stood on end. Hilda, Zelda and Edgar Allan Poe look back wide eyed in horror.

Salem- (Cont.) See? I told ya they were scary.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom.

Dreama- My first mortal Halloween. I had such a great time.

Sabrina- Yeah, it was fun.

Dreama- Your boss, Josh, he’s great.

Sabrina- Yeah, there’s just one thing that bothers me about him.

Dreama- What?

Sabrina- I have a huge crush on him.

U-ho!

Int. The Westbridge Undertakers. Salem sits in his silk lined coffin and asks

Run credits.

Salem- So, what is it we learned in this weeks episode? That, try as you may, you cannot run away from Halloween. That you never really know what lurks beneath your neighbourhood sewer grates and that... (Sob!) the zombies are really scary. (Sob!)

He jumps and yelps with fear as said zombie leans round the coffin lid with a tray.

Salem- (Cont.) Oh right, my coffee. Hey, where’s my bisc-a-te?