Ageing, Not So Gracefully

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem sits on the table watching his favourite video on a portable TV. Paula Abdul’s ‘Two steps forward and two steps back’ where she’s dancing with the cartoon cat. Zelda enters and watches over his shoulder.

Salem- Paula Abdul really knows how to pick a man. I love her.

Zelda- She doesn’t know you’re alive.

Salem- Well that’s gonna change. I know some people in high places who have some friends who... told me her numbers on the Internet.

Hilda comes dancing into the kitchen from the living room. Unfortunately she is short of a dance partner.

Salem- Oh lord, she ran into a wall again.

Zelda- No, she’s taking waltzing lessons.

Hilda- It is a great way to exercise. I’m just having trouble finding a partner.

She gives Zelda a big, cheesy grin.

Hilda- (Cont.) Zelda?

Zelda- I don’t plan on being reduced to dancing with my sister until they put us in the home.

Sabrina comes down stairs in a hurry.

Sabrina- I’ve gotta talk to Harvey, no time for eating.

As she dashes past, Hilda grabs her hand and pulls her close.

Hilda- How about a waltz?

Sabrina- Er how about no?

She rushes off.

Zelda- She kissed Josh last night... and Harvey saw them.

Hilda- What?! And no-one called me at waltz class to tell me?

Salem is still glued to the TV and Paula Abdul.

Salem- I want that!!

Absently, Hilda points and Salem gets his dancing cartoon cool-cat in the kitchen.

Hilda- There.

Salem- Great! A fake talking cat. Just what we need around here.

Hilda- (To Zelda) So Sabrina kissed Josh and Harvey saw them? Tell me everything.

Zelda- That’s everything.

She leaves and Hilda notices the dancing cartoon cat with the moves and sways towards him. It’s not waltzing but hey, beggars and all that.

Salem- You go girl.

Run opening credits.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina finds Harvey. He’s not looking very happy.

Sabrina- Hey.

Harvey- Hey.

Sabrina- Enough small talk.

She grabs him by the arm and pulls him into the cafeteria for privacy.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Listen Harvey, I want to explain to you about that thing that happened with Josh.

Harvey- That thing? You mean the kiss right?

Sabrina- Let's not argue over semantics. Look, I didn’t plan to kiss him.

Harvey- But you looked like you enjoyed it.

He turns and walks away.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Enjoyed? Well now we’re getting into semantics again.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Salem is lay on the linen basket with a framed picture of Paula Abdul and the phone. He’s found her phone number from the Internet and got her answering machine.

Paula Abdul- (Recorded message) Hi, leave a message and I’ll get back to you. If this is that weird guy, Salem, stop weeping into my phone. (Beeeep!)

Salem- (Sob! Sob! Sob!) All right. (he hangs up) When a woman’s avoiding you, a man has to be a man and has to do the manly thing... Pretend to be kidnapped.

Int. Spellman kitchen. A distraught Sabrina enters from school. She sits at the table and Zelda places a napkin on her lap.

Zelda- We figured you’d be home for lunch.

Hilda- So how did things go with Harvey?

Sabrina- He’s not speakin’ to me.

Hilda- The Josh kiss was that good huh?

She gets an elbow from Zelda.

Sabrina- I don’t know what to do! I mean I like Harvey and I don’t wanna lose him but... I like Josh too.

Hilda- Well I always say, don’t take your foot off the dock until the other one is securely on the ship.

Sabrina- What?

Zelda- What?

Hilda- Until you’re sure Josh is interested, keep one foot on Harvey.

Zelda- Hilda, that’s dishonest.

Sabrina- Really? It sounds kinda perfect.

Zelda- You know you shouldn’t treat people like that. Put yourself in Harvey’s place.

Hilda- (Aside to Sabrina) Watch out, this spell is never pretty.

Zelda- ‘Of empathy, this girl has very few traces, allow Sabrina and Harvey to trade places.’

She does the old double finger twirl to activate the spell and Harvey materialises in the kitchen in a close encounter of the brunet kind. They look lovingly into each others eyes.

Sabrina- (Leaping up) Harvey?!

Harvey- Oh, Hey Sabrina. This is my girlfriend, Sarah.

Sarah hugs him tight and smiles at Sabrina.

Sabrina- What?! But I’m your girlfriend.

Harvey- Were... till I figured out whether things were gonna work out with Sarah. They are.

Sabrina- (To Zelda) Okay, I’m setting on creepy.

Zelda points and the Harvey and Sarah apparition vanishes.

Zelda- In your heart you know that honesty is the right way to go.

Sabrina- Fine. It’s a lot more fun talking to aunt Hilda.

She grabs her book-bag and coat and leaves.

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. Sabrina sits at Harvey’s table where he’s just playing with his food.

Sabrina- Harvey, I have to be honest with you.

Harvey- Oh great, that’s what coach says right before ‘Your best effort isn’t good enough’

Sabrina- I wanna be your girlfriend but... I have feelings for Josh too and I don’t want to string you along. Unless, of course, that’s something you’re interested in?

She looks at him hopefully.

Harvey- You know, I’ve been second string in football, basketball, even badminton. I don’t wanna be second string with you.

He leaves off playing with his lunch, gets up and leaves. Sabrina gets up and follows.

Sabrina- Harvey!

Int. School hallway.

Sabrina hurries after Harvey.

Harvey- Yeah, I hope you and Josh are happy.

She stops in the hallway and watches him walk away from her. TLC’s ‘Unpretty’ plays as sharp memories of their time together run through her mind. Like the time he rescued her from that monstrous troll, Roland, and they frolicked together through the meadow, or kissing under the mistletoe. The way he was always so happy to see her. The danger he faced willingly to save her from the dastardly Mr. Kraft when he’d tied her to the rail-tracks, or just the welcoming peck on the cheek when they met in the hallway. Playful pillow fights and that never to be repeated, most wonderful, exciting, first kiss. All in a flash the memories burn and the pain sinks deep into her heart. Harvey disappears round the corner.

Int. Hickory Dickory Clock, work room. Hilda practices her waltzing with her imaginary partner.

Hilda- I am so sick of leading!

The magic time clock bongs the hour and opens. A woman in a long black Victorian dress comes out and takes her spectacles off to look around. Hilda inadvertently waltzes into the open clock door.

Hilda- (Cont.) Oof!

She looks the woman up and down.

Hilda- (Cont.) It’s never Fred Astair.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem sits by the phone.

Salem- (To himself) My kidnapping plan is underway. I haven’t called Paula Abdul in fifteen whole minutes. I’m sure she’s in a panic about my kidnapping.

Int. Paula Abdul’s bedroom. She’s showing her panic by putting on her Walkman headphones and practising her dance moves for her latest hit.

Paula Abdul- I love my life!

She continues shaking her booty.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Sabrina brings over Dreama’s cocoa and sits with her.

Sabrina- Can I be honest? Honesty stinks.

Dreama- Has Josh said anything about the kiss?

Sabrina- No, and I gave him my best ‘Hi Josh!’ All I got back was a ‘Hey’ I don’t think he likes me.

Dreama- He kissed you.

Sabrina- That was hours ago, maybe he’s moved on. Oh why did I tell Harvey that I liked Josh?

She buries her head in her hands.

Sabrina- (Cont.) But I do like Josh. I can make him like me.

She gets up and intercepts Josh as he walks by reading.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey Josh, can I borrow that when your finished.

Josh- My text book on nineteenth century philosophy?

Sabrina- Yeah, I can’t get enough of it.

Dreama- You can’t?

Sabrina- (To Dreama) I think your cocoa’s getting cold.

Dreama takes a sip.

Josh- Knock yourself out.

He hands her his book and goes back to work.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Thanks! (To Dreama) He hates me.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda enters with the lady from the clock who is spouting French ten to the dozen. Zelda watches them approach questioningly.

Hilda- She came in through the clock. I have no idea what she’s saying.

Zelda points at the woman.

Marie- Somebody please tell me what’s going on?

Hilda- Well I could o’ done that.

Zelda- Um what is your name?

Marie- Marie Curie.

Zelda- Madam Curie? The famous scientist? Oh this is an honour.

Hilda- It certainly is.

She takes Zelda by the arm and pulls her to one side.

Hilda- (Cont.) How do we get rid of her?

Zelda- Well we have to figure out what caused her to become lost in time. (To Madam Curie) Madam, what year do you think this is?

Marie- Eighteen ninety-nine.

Zelda- Eighteen ninety-nine. Let’s see, that was before she won the Nobel prize with her husband Pierre.

Marie- Pierre! <Spit!> We are finished. He is a worm <Spit!>

Hilda- (Aside to Zelda) Well obviously they don’t give the prize for manners.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Josh puts up the work roster board behind the counter.

Sabrina- Hey, I’m actually not working Saturday night. Hey, you’re not working either, any plans?

Josh- No, not really.

Sabrina- Well I don’t have any plans either, weird. So you like sci-fi movies right?

Josh- Oh yeah, if mankind is in peril and it’s in black and white, I’m there.

Sabrina- Oh well they’re showing my favourite...

She pulls a cinema flyer from her apron pocket while he’s not looking.

Sabrina- (Reading) The Blob.

She quickly shoves it back out of site as Josh spins round.

Josh- Steve McQueen and a big tub of goo, what else do you need in a movie?

Sabrina- Well you know it’s playing in the student union and since we’re both not working and er we’re both sci-fi fanatics... we should go.

Josh- What, you mean like a date?

Sabrina- A date? Huh that never really crossed my mind... but are you asking?

Josh- Look Sabrina, I like you a lot and obviously, as evidenced by that little kiss the other night, I find you attractive.

Sabrina- So you’ll pick me up at eight?

Josh- But I’m so much older than you.

Sabrina- Four years?

Josh- I’m glad you see my point. I really think it would be better if we just stayed friends.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom.

Sabrina- He thinks I’m "Too young" for him.

Salem- Did he use air-quotes, or did he really mean too young?

Sabrina- I guess I do come off my own age. I saw Harvey jump-start his car today.

Salem- Significance?

Sabrina- We used to do that together, I was always the negative.

Salem- So what you’re saying is, you’d really rather be with Harvey.

Sabrina- No, it’s not that... It’s just... I need to make myself seem more sophisticated.

She stands before her mirror and draws her long, lose hair back and studies the result.

Salem- For Harvey?

Sabrina- No, for Josh.

Salem- Okay, now my head hurts. Sabrina, my many years on this earth have taught me one thing. You can’t control love. Meanwhile, I need you to cut some words out of those magazines for me.

She picks up the notepad on top of the pile of magazines.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘Kidnapped. Million dollars’ What is this for?

Salem- Daaaaay, Pictionary?

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Sabrina enters having changed her style somewhat. She’s wearing a sophisticated red, mid length dress and has pinned her hair back at one side.

Sabrina- Hey peeps! I hear Phi-Beta... Max is having a big party tonight. Who’s in?

College Guy #1- Aren’t you in high school?

Josh- She’s a senior at Westbridge.

Sabrina- Gotta go.

Int. Spellman Dining room. Hilda stands at the door.

Hilda- So I signed up for this waltz class. It’s great exercise... and fun, I just need a partner. So what d’ya say?

Madam Curie finally pulls her safety-goggled eyes away from the fascinating Lab-top.

Marie- Non.

Hilda- Right! Oh by the way, Tin Tin; not funny.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda enters from the dining room.

Hilda- (To herself) Where am I going to find a dance partner?

Zelda enters through the front door accompanied by a distinguished and bearded gentleman in a rather retro suit. Hilda’s eyes light up.

Hilda- (Cont.) My foyer!

Zelda- He came through the clock.

The man takes Hilda’s hand.

Pierre- Pierre Curie.

He kisses the back of her hand.

Hilda- Holla.

Zelda- (Aside to Hilda) Obviously he’s here for Marie. I’m sure the minute they see each other everything will be fine.

Pierre picks up the phone and pokes the buttons as Marie enters.

Marie- Sacra blue!

Pierre- Marie! <Spit!>

Hilda- No wonder our French grandmother covered her sofa’s in plastic. (To Pierre) I don’t suppose you waltz?

Pierre- Oh well it’s been years... but...

He takes Hilda in his arms and waltzes her round the room.

Hilda- (Delighted) Oh you’re so good! And so French.

Pierre- Oh.

Zelda- Hilda. Hilda!

Hilda- (To Pierre) Excuse me.

They stop dancing and Hilda joins her sister.

Zelda- Can we focus? We have got to get the Curie’s back together.

Pierre finds a box of Kleenex fascinating as one tissue follows another out of the box.

Zelda- (Cont.) Now here’s the plan. You find out from Pierre, what attracted him to Marie and I’ll find out the same from Marie.

Hilda- But first we’ll have to win their confidence.

Zelda- Well, good point.

Hilda- And what better way than by dancing?

She goes back to Pierre, takes the large wad of Kleenexes from him and tosses them aside. The music starts up again as she slips into his arms.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina enters with Dreama.

Sabrina- Okay, the mortal way of looking older is not working, so magic is the only answer.

Dreama- Let me. ‘Sabrina’s down and hurt, make her as old as dirt’

Sabrina’s not quick enough to stop her activating her spell by tugging on her ear. She disintegrates and floats down to form a neat, circular pile of... dirt.

Sabrina- Oh yeah, Josh’ll just sweep me away.

Dreama quickly reverses her spell and Sabrina stands picking grit from her teeth.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Don’t do that again.

She consults the magic book.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I think Josh is hung up on the fact that I’m still in high school, so I just have to be a little older.

Dreama- Ooh! This looks like a good one.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘To enhance your years, try a potion. Check out the catalogue of notions and lotions’

A glass bottle forces it’s way into the mortal realm from the pages of the book. Sabrina picks it up and reads the label.

Sabrina- ‘Oil of Old Age. Apply to your face and throat and you’ll age gracefully’

She pours a drop of it’s contents into the palm of her hand, rubs them together and then rubs the oil into her face and neck. There is no apparent change in her appearance.

Dreama- How do you feel?

Sabrina- Like I’m ready to back-pack across Europe. Alright! That’s gotta be early twenties.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda and Pierre still waltz around the room.

Hilda- So tell me Pierre, what attracted you to Marie?

He dips her.

Hilda- (Cont.) Oh! Tell me later.

They waltz on.

Int. Spellman dining room. Two scientists sit side by side at the Lab-top.

Zelda- Madam... Marie, what attracted you to Pierre?

Marie- He had a laboratory and no debts.

Zelda- Oh, so it was a love match.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. A glamorous twenty-something Sabrina walks in wearing a powder blue, short skirted suit and her hair cut shorter in a sophisticated style. She gets an immediate response from the college students in the place as Dreama follows her in.

College Guy #1- Hey!

College Guy #2- Whoa!

Sabrina- Hello.

College Guy #1- May I buy you a cup of coffee?

Sabrina- Do you think they sell that here?

College Guys- Ha-ha!

She leaves the guys and sits with Dreama on a settee.

Sabrina- I’m loving this. I feel so mature, so confident and just... smooth. This spells the best.

She takes the ‘Oil of Old Age’ from her purse and dabs a little more on. Josh watches enthralled.

Josh- (To himself) Why did I make such a big deal about four years?

Meanwhile Sabrina’s being chatted up by one of the students. She laughs at something he’s just said.

Sabrina- Ha-ha-ha-ha! I’m posting that on my web-site tonight.

The boy wonders off as Dreama gives her a warning.

Dreama- Josh at ten o’clock.

Sabrina turns.

Sabrina- Oh, hi Josh.

Josh- Listen, is it top late for me to change my mind about that movie?

Sabrina- No, we can go see ‘The Blot’

She gets a nudge from Dreama.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I mean ‘The Blob’

Josh- Good. First dinner, then scary monsters.

He gets back to work leaving Sabrina excited. She turns to Dreama and with a little jump of joy.

Sabrina and Dreama- Yes!

Sabrina- You know magic does have a certain sense of whimsy doesn’t it?

She sits, crossing her stocking clad legs, toes pointed just so. One arm casually but carefully positioned across the back of the settee. Her pose and posture are perfect.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Latte?

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina walks through with her new, more sophisticated look. Neatly cut black business suit, day-planer and briefcase in hand. Make-up heavier than normal but just so. Not your average teenage schoolgirl. Harvey spots her as she enters the classroom and does a double take.

Harvey- Sabrina?

She gives his hand a brief shake.

Sabrina- Oh hello Harvey, it’s nice to see you again.

She turns and takes her seat in front of Dreama.

Dreama- Have you looked in the mirror lately?

She hands a hand mirror to Sabrina, who studies herself. She rubs a little lippy from her teeth but sees nothing different. The image is exactly the way she has always looked. Dreama notices the discrepancy as she looks over Sabrina’s shoulder.

Dreama- (Under her breath) That’s weird.

The teacher enters

Teacher- All right class, let’s settle down.

Sabrina- Oh hello Barbara, are you available for lunch?

The teacher slowly looks round from the chalkboard as Sabrina consults her day planner.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I’m good next Friday.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. She’s so impressed with how it’s working that she’s rubbing some more ‘Oil of Old Age’ in before going off on her date with Josh. She’s gone for the, always fashionable, little black dress.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina comes out to find Salem sat on the linen basket looking a little worse for wear. A bandage round his head and his paw in a sling. There is also a camera beside him and a copy of today’s newspaper.

Salem- Sabrina, I need some help.

Sabrina- I’ve thought that for years but now’s not the time, Josh is waiting.

Salem- I just need you to take a picture of me with today’s newspaper.

Sabrina- Why?

Salem- Eeee... Law suit?

She takes the camera. Snap! Puts it back down and leaves.

Salem- (To himself) High school has really taken a toll on that girl.

Int. Restaurant. The waiter stands waiting as Sabrina and Josh peruse the menu.

Josh- Well I’ll have the burger and fries.

Sabrina- Do you have any fish?

He points out an item on the menu.

Sabrina- Do you have any fish that isn’t breaded and deep fried?

He shakes his head.

Sabrina- Just water for me.

The waiter stops waiting and leaves.

Josh- Saving room for the mile high mud cake?

Sabrina- No.

Josh- Listen Sabrina, we haven’t really talked about the other night and I know I’ve been sending mixed signals, but...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) I’m glad you brought it up, I need to know your intentions.

Josh- Intentions?! It’s our first date.

Sabrina- Which is the perfect time to find out if this relationship is going anywhere.

Josh- Well I-I don’t know. I mean... we’re at different points in our lives. I’m thinking about graduate school, a career...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) And I’m thinking about kids and a career. Mister, I want it all but I can’t make that happen with Peter Pan. Now I need to know, are you in it for the long haul? Screaming babies, stretch marks, the works?

Josh is knocked back on his heals a little.

Josh- That’s er a good question, and-and it’s going to require some careful thought... and-and er I-I should get started on that thinking right know.

He legs it out of there as quick as he can. Sabrina sits watching him leave and shaking her head.

Sabrina- (To herself) And to think, I just throw away the last three minutes with that man.

Int. Spellman dining room. Zelda and Madam Curie talk shop.

Zelda- So I discovered that this blue liquid can replace a centrifuge.

Marie- Amazing. Zelda, be my partner?

Zelda- (Excited) Oh really? But what about Pierre?

Marie- Pierre <Spit!>

Zelda mops the spittle from the Lab-top.

Zelda- Well it would be an honour to work with one of the great minds of all time, maybe you shouldn’t go back. We can win a Nobel Prize.

Marie carelessly reaches over, knocking a glass beaker from the table with her elbow. There’s a hissing sound and acidic smoke rises from the floor. Marie carries on completely unconcerned.

Zelda- (Cont.) I was planning on refinishing that floor anyway.

Int. Spellman living room. Waltzing Mat-Hilda and Pierre are still spinning round the room.

Pierre- Hilda, dancing with you is like gliding on air.

Hilda- Only sweatier.

Pierre- Ho-ho-ho! You’re graceful and witty.

Hilda- Oh I’m sorry but... you’re not going back.

Sabrina enters.

Hilda- (Cont.) Hi Sabrina, this is Pierre. Are you okay? You look tired.

Sabrina- Bad night, I think I’m just going to curl up with a romance novel and some Epsom-salts.

Hilda- You too?

She continues upstairs.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina rubs some more ‘Oil of Old Age’ in to her skin.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Somebody’s mother walks round the corner in loose slacks and top. An enormous hand-bag over one shoulder. She’s only a few more touches of grey hair from a blue-rinse. It’s Sabrina. A student she passes, sneezes and is about to wipe his nose on the sleeve of his sweater.

Sabrina- Oh wait! Oh, never leave the house without a tissue dear.

She plucks one from her hand-bag and hands it to him. Another student slams his locker in frustration.

Student- I left my lunch at home!

Sabrina- Wait a minute.

She delves again into the depths of her bag.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh yep, I thought so, Fibre wafers.

She hands them to the student.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Filling and... they keep things moving.

The student walks on.

Sabrina- (Calling after) You’re welcome. (To herself) These kids today have no home training.

Harvey comes down the hallway.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh Harvey, stand up straight.

Harvey- Have you been getting enough sleep?

Sabrina- Hold still, you’ve got a little shmutz

She licks her thumb and rubs the ‘Shmutz’ from Harvey’s face. Harvey screws his face up like he does when his mom does the same thing.

Harvey- This isn’t because we broke-up, is it?

Sabrina- No dear, I need a more mature man. You’re so cute.

She pinches his cheeks.

Int. Paula Abdul’s apartment. The phone rings.

Paula Abdul- Hello?

Salem- Did you get the photos?

Paula Abdul- Yes and the ransom note too. See the problem is, I don’t know you, so I really don’t care who took your cat.

Salem- But... See... The-the cat is actually...

She hangs up.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing.

Salem- (To himself) Na, I don’t think I thought this one through.

Int. Spellman dining room. Zelda’s up to her armpits in bottle and jars.

Marie- Stir that solution! Get me the chloride!

Zelda- Stop ordering me around! Besides, you already spilled it on the floor and-and be careful because it’s...

Madam Curie is anything but careful. Another class jar smashes on the floor and erupts into a sheet of flames.

Zelda- (Cont.) ...Flammable.

Marie- Shouldn’t you be cleaning?

Int. Spellman living room. Pierre is clearly a man of boundless energy. Hilda’s energy, however, does have bounds. She’s beginning to flag.

Pierre- You seem a little sluggish today.

Hilda- Why don’t we take a break... until my feet stop bleeding.

Pierre- Oh please, we’re just warming up.

He spins her and she spins off to meet Zelda, who has a soot blackened face and a fire extinguisher.

Hilda- I’m beginning to not like him.

Zelda- She is destroying my lab... and I think she may have done some damage to my lungs.

Hilda- Well whether they like it or not, they are gonna sit down and talk.

Later. Hilda and Zelda are sat down on the settee while Marie and Pierre stand glaring, face to face.

Marie- What about René, Marian, Michelle? You danced with them all.

Zelda- (Aside to Hilda) Makes ya feel special huh?

Pierre- Oh what about you then? Jon, Jean-Luc, Enree?

Marie- You are just jealous because he is the scientist you will never be.

Pierre- Oh!

Hilda- Ouch! (To Pierre) Your turn.

Marie- I am going back to work.

She turns, heading for the wrecked dining room.

Pierre- Me oui, you go back to vork, zat is what you do best. Vork, vork and more vork.

She slides the doors shut in his face.

Hilda- (To Zelda) How badly do we need radium?

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. A pair of wrinkled, liver-spotted hands pour out ‘Oil of Old Age’ and rub it in.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. A grey haired old dear in a black dress with lace trim plumps the cushions on a settee as Josh clears the table in front of it.

Sabrina- Oh tuck in your shirt boy, you’re at work.

Josh- Oh excuse me ma’am, but we’ve cancelled our early-bird special.

Sabrina- It’s me, Sabrina.

Josh- And that’s a lovely name. Would you like me to call Dial-a-ride for you?

Sabrina- You wisenheimer.

He turns away towards the counter and Sabrina takes the cake-slice from his tray without him noticing. She looks at her reflection in the cake-slice and sees the same old eighteen year old Sabrina smiling back. With a sigh she follows after Josh.

Sabrina- All right look, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I mean you say you like me and I try to show you that I’m mature...

She holds her hand over her mouth as she coughs up some phlegm. Josh backs away from the scary old woman.

Sabrina- (Cont.) You just don’t seem interested, I don’t get it.

Josh- You are really scaring me lady.

Sabrina- And I wore my cutest outfit.

Josh leaves and Sabrina makes her slow way towards the door with her walking-stick as Harvey enters.

Sabrina- Oh hi Harvey

Harvey- Hi.

He does a double take of the old lady who somehow knows him and there’s a feeling of recognition.

Harvey- (Cont.) Hey are you related to Sabrina Spellman?

Sabrina- Wow! Suddenly everyone’s a comedian. Well I’ve gotta get home, my hammer-toes killing me.

Harvey- Why don’t I help you? These sidewalks have ‘Broken hip’ written all over ‘em.

He takes the old dears arm and they leave.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda sits at the table nursing her sore feet as Zelda stands facing the dining room door listening to the Curie’s arguing.

Zelda- It’s our duty to get them back in time. We’ve got to think of something.

Hilda- I know, when he’s through arguing he’s gonna wanna dance again. I can’t take it!

There’s a smash from the other room.

Zelda- What was that?

Hilda- (Smiling) Maybe she killed him.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda and Hilda come round the corner to see Marie and Pierre waltzing around the room. Marie is showing her inherent clumsiness once more.

Pierre- It was only a lamp.

As he swings his wife around, her out-flung arm sends a vase smashing to the floor.

Pierre- Oh.

Zelda- My vase!

Marie- (Laughing) Whoops!

Pierre- My little butter-fingers.

Zelda- Butter-body.

Pierre- I’m so much more comfortable with you zan zat tall blonde.

Hilda- Hilda! The names Hilda!

Zelda- Let it go, the freaks are back together.

The front door opens and Harvey helps a strange little old lady in.

Sabrina- I have to get a walker.

Harvey- This lady said she lives here.

Zelda- That’s Sabrina... ‘s grandmother.

Sabrina- I am not!

Hilda- She also thinks the wars still on. Ha-ha! Come on grammy.

She takes Sabrina by the shoulders and guides her firmly towards the kitchen.

Zelda- Thanks for bringing her home.

Harvey- Well she reminded me of Sabrina.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina admires her fresh, young face in the mirror.

Sabrina- What are you talking about? I look darned cute.

Zelda- (To Hilda) She can’t see her true reflection.

She points at the mirror and suddenly Sabrina is confronted with herself in sixty (or in her case 600) years time.

Sabrina- Aaaarrrrghhh!!! How could this happen?! I though ‘Oil of Old Age’ was supposed to be safe?

Hilda- You’re supposed to use it sparingly... unless this is the look you were going for.

Zelda- Why would you do such a thing?

Sabrina- I was trying to look older so that Josh would be interested in me.

Hilda- Oh I’ve played that game. I’ve changed myself into a princess, a farmer and a wombat. Believe me, being a princess was the worst.

Zelda- Did your age bring you any wisdom?

Sabrina- Yes, I learned that I can’t be what Josh wants me to be. I have to be myself.

Hilda- Although the beds at the castle were comfy.

Zelda- If Josh doesn’t want you for who you are then he’s not who you’re meant to be with.

Sabrina- I never had to work this hard with Harvey, we were always so comfortable together.

Hilda- And I enjoyed my steed...

Zelda- (To Hilda) Stop it!

Sabrina- I miss Harvey. It was nice of him to walk me home.

Zelda- He’s a nice boy.

Sabrina- Yeah but he’ll never wanna be with me if I smell like vapour-rub.

Zelda- Your youth isn’t gone for ever.

She does a clever little pointing trick of creating a jar of prune juice in mid air and catching it before it smashes on the floor. Something a certain Madam Curie could do with learning. She hands the jar to Sabrina.

Zelda- (Cont.) Drink this prune juice.

Sabrina drinks and as she’s pulling her face at the awful taste her body changes to match her reflection.

Sabrina- Do you think it’s too late to cancel that adjustable bed?

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. The newly teenaged witch enters to find Salem on her bed.

Salem- Sabrini, will you cut off my ear and place it in this envelope?

Sabrina- Gross! What is your problem?

Salem- (Sob!) All right! All right! It’s for Paula Abdul. I faked my own kidnapping so she would pay attention to me.

Sabrina- Does she even know who you are?

Salem- Why does everyone think that’s a necessary part of love?

Sabrina- I learned the hard way, it really is better to be honest.

Salem- Fine, I’ll try it your way... but Van Gogh really got the babes right?

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house.

Sabrina- So wasn’t that the weirdest allergic reaction ever?

Josh- You do seem better.

Sabrina- And I have to tell you that after trying to like philosophy and science fiction and everything else you like, I decided you were right to begin with. We are better off as friends.

She holds out her hand and they shake.

Josh- Friends.

Sabrina- So um... maybe sometime we can do each others hair?

Josh laughs as Sabrina leaves. When she’s gone he sighs.

Josh- Ah, Just friends... with a cute, smart, funny girl. I’m an idiot.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina finds Dreama at her locker.

Sabrina- Hey, have you seen Harvey? I can’t wait to make up with him.

Dreama looks over Sabrina’s shoulder.

Dreama- U-oh!

Sabrina turns to see a pretty brunet reaching up to kiss Harvey. The love-struck pair gaze into each others eyes for a moment.

Colette- See you at lunch.

Harvey- Right.

He watches her leave as Sabrina comes up to him.

Sabrina- Who was that?

Harvey- Oh, er that’s Colette, we’re kinda seeing each other.

Sabrina- Oh, so you’re doin’ okay?

Harvey- Yeah, I’m doin’ okay. I guess I’ll see ya around.

Sabrina- Yeah, see ya.

He leaves and she watches as he catches up to his new girlfriend at the drinks fountain. Sabrina’s eyes sting as he slips his arm about Colette’s shoulders and they walk off. Dreama comes up beside her.

Dreama- Co-lette. She doesn’t look French to me.

Sabrina- I’ve lost Harvey forever!

She stamps her foot and points at herself. Watch out, grammy Spellman’s back and she looks grumpy. She gives a passing boy a sharp wrap on the shin with her walking stick.

Sabrina- Men!

Which pretty much says it all as the boy limps off.

Ext. Spellman back porch. A silent black cat sits watching Paula Abdul reading the note left by Salem.

Run credits

Paula Abdul- (Reading) ‘Dear Paula Abdul, Sorry I lied about the free diamond give-away but thank you for coming to my house. I’ve been going around doing things to try to impress you but I decided I just have to be who I am. Hopefully you will like that person. I’m not supposed to tell you this but I’m very high up in the CIA. Very high up.’ (To Salem) Why do you keep sating at me?

Salem’s eyes slowly shift from her face to the letter she’s holding. Her attention is drawn back there.

Paula Abdul- (Reading) ‘I can’t meet with you because I’m away on a dangerous mission but I would like you to comfort... my cat.’

Salem- (Thinking) Oh please! Please! Please!

Paula slowly raises her hand a starts stroking the small black cat beside her.

Salem- (Cont.) Ohh! Ohhh!