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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

She's Baaack!

Written By - Carrie Honigblum & Renee Phillips
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Josh - David Lascher
Dreama -China Shavers
Amanda - Emily Hart
Miss Sorecorn - Teresa Parente
Salesman - Jamie Torcellini
Lion Scout - Brandon Kaplan

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina and her aunts come up stairs, disturbing Salem’s far away stare.

Sabrina- Well since cousin Amanda’s visiting for the weekend, I thought I’d get her a little present.

She points and her swirling sparkles resolve themselves into a very solid looking pillory.

Hilda- That’s a thoughtful gift for all of us.

Zelda- Now-now, she’s family. We should welcome her with open arms.

She points and the pillory disappears.

Zelda- (Cont.) And if she tries anything, we have an electric cage in the basement.

The linen closet activates. Lightning flashes round the door-jam, thunder rumbles ominously.

Salem- She’s baaack!

Zelda opens the closet door and Amanda enters.

Amanda- Hi everybody, it’s so good to see you.

She hugs Zelda and Hilda but when she goes to hug her cousin.

Sabrina- Get your pointing fingers up in the air where I can see ‘em!

Amanda raises her hands and Sabrina frisks her.

Zelda- Enough Barney Five.

Amanda- Sabrina, I don’t blame you for being suspicious. My behaviour in the past may have been a little bratty.

Hilda- (Interrupting) Yeah, you were a little bratty and Nazi Germany was a little aggressive.

Amanda- But I’ve grown up. I’m now a teenage witch, (To Sabrina) just like you.

Amanda heads off down stairs.

Sabrina- (To her aunts) I have to admit, she does seem more mature.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina, Hilda and Zelda come down to the sound of sultry piano music. Lying seductively on the piano in a long, slinky maroon sequinned dress is Amanda.

Amanda- (Singing) Call me irresponsible...

Sabrina- Okay, there’s mature and there’s scary.

Amanda- (Singing) Call me unreliable.
Throw in undependable... too.

Run opening credits.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda decide that there is only one way to decide. They sit at the table facing each other.

Hilda & Zelda- (Together) Rock-paper-scissors!

They both point. Zelda’s rock falls and breaks Hilda’s scissors. She throws her arms up in victory.

Zelda- Rock breaks scissors! You lose! Finally for once in my life, you-Lose!

Hilda- Fine, I’ll be the one to tells Sabrina that she gets to stay with Amanda while we’re at work.

Sabrina and Amanda enter giggling and walking on their bare heals with tissue between their toes and wave their fingers about. Sabrina reaches into the larder.

Sabrina- Okay, I’ll get the chips, you go get CD’s.

Amanda- Got it.

She goes upstairs. Being careful of her still tacky nail-varnish Sabrina extracts a large bag of potato-chips from the larder and follows her cousin upstairs. Her aunts watch in amazement that the two girls are getting on together so well.

Hilda- And as per agreement. Since I’m giving Sabrina the bad news, you have to scrub all the pots.

Int. Hickory Dickory Clock workroom. Zelda’s taken a quiet moment to catch up on some work on the laptop. Hilda enters with a duster.

Hilda- Zelda, do you wanna help me dust the clocks?

Zelda- No. Remember, you were going to be in the front, minding the store and I was going to be, working... alone.

Hilda- Oh yeah.

She leaves and Zelda gets back to her computer. The cubby-hole between the two rooms opens and Hilda sticks her head through.

Hilda- Zelda, I’ve made some tea, do ya want some?

Zelda- No, I’m working... alone!

Hilda comes through with two mugs of tea.

Hilda- You probably didn’t know it was jasmine.

Zelda tries to ignore her but the slurping is distracting. Very distracting.

Zelda- Stop it!

There’s a thump from the ‘Lost in time’ clock.

Hilda- Company.

She opens the clock as Zelda closes up her laptop.

Zelda- I’m not going to get anything done.

Hilda- Nice bottle!

She brings the bottle that she found inside the clock to the worktable. It is green, has a round, flatish base and a long fluted neck with a matching stopper. The whole thing is covered in a delicate filigree of gold. There’s a label attached.

Hilda- (Cont.) Oh look, there’s a message. Probably some shipwrecked soul searching for their lost love.

Zelda- (Reading) ‘Please recycle’

She shrugs and opens the bottle. They both lean over to look inside and are immediately sucked in. The stopper flips back into place.

Int. Genies Bottle. It’s lushly laid out. Beautiful, precious carpets, gold inlaid chaise-lounge, purple and red decor with lots of gold tassels.

Zelda- I wish bottles came with a vortex warning.

Hilda- A genie must have lived here... or Luther Van Dross.

Zelda- This place is charming... and so private. I could make this my office!

Hilda- Let’s get out of here, it smells like stinky genie feet.

She points but nothing happens.

Zelda- Oh you know what? I bet we have to flip this switch to get out.

She walks over to a row of switches on one wall and flips the one marked ‘Exit’ They are both sucked up through the vortex.

Int. Hickory Dickory Clock workroom. They are both jettisoned from the bottle and it’s clear that a vortex can play havoc on your hair. Zelda’s is dishevelled and Hilda’s stands up on end.

Zelda- Wow! Did you use a lot of hair-spray this morning?

Hilda- A little.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Sabrina is showing Amanda her place of work. Josh serves them.

Josh- Okay, Sabrina. Here’s your usual and Amanda, your Colombian blend. Black, just like you ordered.

Amanda- Thank you Josh.

He leaves and Amanda picks up her cup.

Amanda- (Cont.) Hmm, my first sip of coffee.

She sips, gags and chokes.

Amanda- (Cont.)<Gasp!> And my last!

Harvey arrives.

Harvey- Hey Sabrina.

Sabrina- Oh hey. You remember my cousin Amanda?

Harvey- Oh I sure do, you’re such a young lady now. I remember when you were yae high.

He holds his hand at waist height.

Harvey- (Cont.)(To himself) Why am I talking like my uncle Jay?

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Amanda sits at the desk with her diary and a pen in hand.

Amanda- ‘Dear diary, I had my first cup of coffee and I met Sabrina’s boss, Josh. Is he cute or what!?’ Give me an exclamation point there.

Miss Sorecorn- M-hm.

Miss Sorecorn is Amanda’s personal secretary and is sat on the foot of Sabrina’s bed with her short-hand pad and pencil.

Amanda- ‘And then later, Harvey showed up’

She gazes off dreamily.

Sabrina- (OS) Amanda!

Amanda- I’ll finish later Miss Sorecorn.

Miss Sorecorn- Yes ma’am, and I’ll dot the ‘I's with little hearts as per usual.

Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- You’re mom's on the phone.

Amanda- Thanks. (To Miss Sorecorn) Oh and by the end of the day, I need a recount on my remaining red-hots.

Miss Sorecorn- Yes Ma’am.

She gets up and follows Amanda from the room and in doing so reveals Salem who had been hiding behind her.

Salem- (To Sabrina) Amanda loves Josh! I love when the eves-dropping comes to me.

Sabrina- Well he was being awfully nice to her. So Amanda has a crush on Josh huh?

Salem- Great reaction, I thought I’d at least get a girlish squeal out of ya.

Sabrina treats him to a girlish squeal.

Salem- I know that was sarcastic... but thank you.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Sabrina sit at the table with Salem sat on it. Zelda enters with her bottle.

Zelda- Attention everyone. This is my new office and when the lid is on I am not to be disturbed.

Sabrina- (Picking it up) Well if you ever get tired of it, you can return it and get a nickel back.

Zelda- Be careful with that!

She takes it back.

Zelda- (Cont.) Oh you know it’s so inspiring to have a private place to do ones work. To me this will be like Hemmingway’s Key West study.

Salem- But you’re not a writer.

Zelda- Like Monet’s Jour Vanee.

Sabrina- You’re not an artist.

Zelda- I just wanna be alone, okay?!

Hilda- You’re not Garbo either. You don’t have to worry about me bothering you, I’ll be antiquing in the sixteenth century. Thirteenth century stuff was much cheaper then.

Zelda- I just everyone's clear, this bottle is off limits. Please tell Amanda.

Sabrina- Speaking of Amanda, it turns out she has a little crush on Josh.

Hilda- Amanda likes an older man? That is so cute! Just like when I had it bad for Sean Connery.

Zelda- You are several centuries older than Sean Connery.

Hilda- I know that, I just like talking about it.

Zelda- Sabrina, I think it’s best not to encourage this crush on Josh.

Sabrina- I know, that’s why we’re not going back to the coffee house. Harvey’s coming over here and Amanda will just have to hang out with us and act like a normal teenager.

Miss Sorecorn enters pushing a photocopier before her.

Miss Sorecorn- Amanda needs toner.

Ext. Spellman back porch. Zelda comes out with her bottle.

Zelda- (To Bottle) I think I’ll put you outside so the sun can shine through the glass.

She places it on the garden table.

Zelda- (Cont.) I just love natural light.

She opens the top, looks inside and is sucked in.

Int. Genies bottle. Zelda looks up as the stopper snaps back into place.

Zelda- Oh finally, I can get some work done.

She already has her laptop on the ancient desk in the corner with the ‘Bottle sweet bottle’ sign over it. She opens it up and looks around at the decor.

Zelda- (Cont.) Oh, I just love early century genie.

She can’t resist. She points at herself and is suddenly showing a lot of belly with her short bolero top and diaphanous pantaloons and silk veils all trimmed with gold.

Zelda- (Cont.) Who said you can’t find happiness at the bottom of a bottle?

She gets to work.

Int. Spellman living room. Amanda finishes her letter.

Amanda- Sealed with a kiss.

She kisses it and gives it a squirt of perfume as Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Ah, who’s the letter for? Someone you have a crush on?

Amanda quickly stuffs the letter down between the cushions

Amanda- No! Er it’s for... my mom.

Sabrina- (Picking up the perfume bottle) Oh really?

Amanda- Yeah.

Sabrina- Well my mom like ‘Passion Fruity Girl’ too.

Int. Genies bottle. Zelda is hard at work when there’s a knock on the glass. A giant face appears.

Hilda- Zellie, I’m back from antiquing. I didn’t find any clocks but I got a great deal on a plough.

Zelda- (Calling out) Go away!

The stopper pops and Hilda is sucked into the bottle.

Hilda- What ya doin’? And what’s with the outfit?

Zelda- I specifically told you I do not want to be disturbed.

Hilda- You’ve got a guy in here don’t you?

Zelda- Go away!

Hilda- Hey, I bet you haven’t even tried these switches.

She goes over to the row of switches and flips one. Relaxing lighting effects start to oscillate through the bottle.

Hilda- (Cont.) Cool!

Zelda- Turn it off!

Hilda flips another. Arabian belly dance music plays adding to the Aladdin ambience..

Hilda- Oh I love this song.

Zelda- Let me do it.

Zelda pushes past her sister and flips them off. Nothing happens. She waggles the switches up and down and something shorts out killing the music and the atmospheric lighting.

Hilda- O-oh! It looks like you broke your little bottle. See ya.

She flips the exit switch. Nothing happens. She still there. Zelda’s as keen for her Hilda to leave as Hilda is to leave. She flips the exit switch a few times as well with the same result.

Zelda- The exit switch isn’t working! We’re trapped!

Hilda- And I wanna go play with my new plough!

Int. Spellman living room. It’s a mass of tangled limbs as Sabrina, Amanda and Harvey find themselves in totally impossible and torturous positions.

Harvey- Right foot, yellow.

Harvey moves his right foot to a yellow circle that’s unfortunately occupied by someone’s hand.

Sabrina- Right hand, aw!

The phone rings. Sabrina reaches over with a grunt and all three of them have to lean in that direction for her to snag it.

Sabrina- Okay, back.

They sway back again with a gasp. Sabrina answers the phone.

Sabrina- (On phone) Hello?... Really?... Yeah, I’ll be right there.

She switches it off, tosses it aside and starts to extricate herself from the ‘Twister’ matt.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, Josh is swamped, I gotta go to work. Sorry.

Harvey- No problem.

Amanda- Send Josh my regards.

Sabrina- (Pulling on her boots) Of course. Right, well you two just er make yourselves comfortable.

They take her literally and both crash to the matt as she leaves.

Harvey- Let’s play something a little less painful, how about jousting?

Amanda laughs.

Ext. Spellman back porch. A brush salesman with his sample case knocks at the door.

Salesman- (Calling) Handy Dandy Brushman!

There’s no reply. He looks around and spots a rather exotic looking bottle on the table beside him.

Salesman- (Cont.) Oow, that’s a good lookin’ bottle. I bet these would sell.

Int. Genies bottle. Zelda got the switch panel open and is trying to fix it when the stopper pops and the salesman arrives.

Hilda- (Aside to Zelda) Oh! A mortal got sucked in.

Zelda- (Looking down at her genie outfit) Even worse, a salesman. How do we explain this?

Salesman- Handy Dandy Brushman.

With a flick he sets up his collapsible display table and launches into his sales patter.

Salesman- (Cont.) Tired of throwing money away on costly combs and brushes? Yes, it’s the comb-brush!

Hilda- (Aside) Explain what?

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Sabrina arrives and grabs her apron from the stand by the door.

Sabrina- Okay, get ready to tip your cups and empty your bladders. The brewmaster general is here!

She looks around the empty coffee house.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hello? Josh?

He comes out of the back looking a little off. Maybe it’s the slicked back hair or the moustache. Maybe it’s the maroon smoking jacket or the ascot but more than likely it’s his smarmy manner that throws Sabrina.

Josh- Sabrina, it’s so good of you to rush down. Ah let’s forget the charade, I love ya.

He takes her hand and pulls her into his embrace, dipping her.

Sabrina- Okay Josh, I knew you kinda liked me but I had no idea that your feeling would cause a break-down... and an ascot.

Int. Spellman living room. Amanda is playing the perfect host to Harvey. The finest silver tea service is out and the special cakes.

Harvey- Boy, a chocolate soufflé You know you’ve really raised the bar on snack time.

Amanda- Harvey, this is for you.

She hands him her letter.

Harvey- Thanks Amanda.

He sniffs at it before opening it.

Harvey- (Cont.) Hmm, it smells like my moms bridge club.

He opens the letter and starts reading. Amanda watches and drifts into a romantic daydream.

Int. Romantic daydream. Accordion music plays while Harvey and Amanda sit at a candle-lit table eating spaghetti. In ‘Lady and the Tramp’ style they suck the same strand of pasta from opposite ends inevitably bringing their lips together.

Harvey- (VO) Amanda, are you sure this letters for me?

Amanda snaps back to reality.

Int. Spellman living room.

Amanda- Um, of course it is. I like you Harvey.

Something stires behind the settee. Something small and black with very acute pointy ears when it comes to eves-dropping.

Salem- Ghe?!

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Josh is still trying to have his wicked way with Sabrina.

Josh- Sabrina, you are po-si-tiv-ely bewitching. I’m under your spell.

As he speaks he advances while Sabrina retreats until the counter blocks her.

Sabrina- Oh there’s a spell going on here but it’s not mine.

He drops to one knee, takes her hand and kisses it, working his way up the arm like Gomez Addams to Morticia. The phone rings. Sabrina snatches her hand away to answer it.

Sabrina- (On phone) Help! I mean hello?

Salem- Sabrina, Amanda doesn’t like Josh, she likes Harvey!

Sabrina- (On phone) Harvey?!

Josh- Call me Josh.

Sabrina- (On phone) Okay, it’s all clear now. Amanda wanted to be alone with Harvey so she put the spell on Josh. Oh for the simple days when she could just turn me into a doll.

She hangs up and heads for the door. Josh pulls her back.

Josh- Wait, don’t rush off. There’s so much we haven’t talked about... like kissing.

He puckers up and leans forward with his eyes closed.

Josh- (Cont.) Don’t be afraid to swoon, I’ll be here to catch you.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Okay, he’s under a ‘Cad’ spell. I hate to do this.

She draws back her arm.

Sabrina- You cad!

Smack! A real wing ding right in the kisser. Josh reels back in surprise and not a little pain. The spell broken.

Josh- (Confused) Er, I-I wasn’t just blurting out my true feelings for you was I?

Sabrina- Oh were you blurting? I wasn’t paying attention.

Int. Spellman living room. Harvey still holds Amanda’s letter as she smiles up at him adoringly.

Harvey- Amanda, this is really flattering but Sabrina and I are sort of going together, and besides, I’m way too old for you.

Amanda- (Dejected) I understand Harvey.

Harvey- But I like the way you made your vowels pink and your consonants green.

Amanda- I guess this really isn’t the type of place for us.

Sabrina enters at a run.

Amanda- (Cont.) But I know what is.

She points just as Sabrina reaches for her and all Sabrina gets is thin air. Both Amanda and Harvey vanish from the settee.

Ext. The Other Realm. Harvey and Amanda sit on a porch swing made for two above a thick, fluffy white cloud.

Amanda- (To herself) Harvey’s all mine on cloud nine.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina’s impotence has her yelling at the ceiling.

Sabrina- (Yelling) Amanda! Bring my boyfriend back! You’re gonna pay for this!

Salem- Well you really told the ceiling off.

Sabrina scowls at Salem then glares at the ceiling.

Sabrina- Salem, you have to help me find Harvey.

Salem- (Looking around) Well... he’s not in the candy dish. I’m stumped.

Sabrina- Forget it, I’ll just go ask Aunt Hilda. Oh she’s shopping in another century! And aunt Zelda will be furious if I try to disturb her in her bottle.

Int. Genies bottle.

Zelda- (Banging on the glass and yelling) Sabrina!

Hilda- (Yelling and banging on the glass) Sa-bri-na!

Zelda- (Yelling) Sabrina!

The salesman just stands watching the show.

Int. Spellman living room.

Sabrina- There’s gotta be a spell to find Harvey.

Salem- (Excited) Oh! Oh! Oh! Mr. Carter, I know one. Can I say the spell and you do the zapping?

Sabrina- Just hurry!

Salem- (Clears his throat) ‘Where’d they go? You do the math, help me follow Harvey’s path’ That was fun.

Sabrina points and a bloodhound in a Sherlock Holmes hat and tweed cape materialises on the settee.

Salem- (Cont.) Meet Sherlock Bones. If he can’t find him, nobody can.

Sabrina- (To Sherlock) Er Sherlock. Okay, Harvey was last seen...

Salem- (Interrupting) He’s a Dog! He can’t talk.

Of course not. Who’s ever heard of a talking animal?

Salem- (Cont.) Just give him something of Harvey’s so he can pick up the scent.

Sabrina- Oh hey, here’s Harvey’s jacket. Here, maybe this will help you track his...

She holds the jacket to Sherlock’s nose and they both vanish in a cascade of sparkles.

Sabrina- (Cont.)(OS) ...Traaaaaaail!

Ext. The stairway to heaven, The Other Realm. Sherlock drags Sabrina up and up the endless steps by his lead. He sniffs the floor as he goes. The come to a door with a sign reading:-

CLOUD 7
STORAGE

Sabrina- Oh-no, storage? He’s in here? Did Amanda stuff him in a box?

Sherlock shakes his head and continues onwards and upwards.

Int. Genies bottle. The salesman smells a sale with Hilda while Zelda pokes at the stopper with a broom.

Zelda- No wonder genies have to turn into smoke to get out of these. This seal is really tight.

Hilda- Zellie, try this brush. It makes your hair smell like grape.

Zelda stops poking so she can get a really good glare going at her sister.

Hilda- (Cont.) Don’t worry, someone’s gonna come along and get us out of here.

Zelda- I don’t want to get us out of here, I want you out of here.

The stopper pops and their number is doubled. Three lion scouts selling cookies and peanut brittle join them.

Lion Scout- Cool hide out! You’ve obviously got bucks. How many boxes of brittle can we sign you up for?

Zelda- I just want to be alone!... What kind of brittle?

Ext. The stairway to heaven. The Other Realm. Up, up and up they go until they reach another landing with another door.

Sabrina- They’re here? Cloud nine?

Sherlock whines an affirmative, turns round and heads back down the stairs.

Sabrina- Hey, where are you...? Oh yeah, you’re all work until you see a squirrel. (To herself) But why would Amanda bring Harvey here?

She opens the door and enters.

Ext. Cloud 9. Harvey and Amanda sit on the back shelf of a little red Ferrari sports car. Harvey’s in a spell induced daze.

Amanda- So, you really like being with me don’t you Harvey.

Harvey- I’m on cloud nine! I like everything on cloud nine.

Sabrina arrives.

Sabrina- Why you little home wrecker!

Amanda- Hey you! Get off of my cloud!

Sabrina- I can’t believe you tried to steel my boyfriend!

Amanda- (Taking Harvey’s arm) He’s not your boyfriend anymore, he’s mine.

Sabrina- (Taking his other arm and pulling) No, he’s mine.

Amanda- (Pulling) He’s mine!

A tug of war begins and Harvey’s pulled back and forth. Something has to give and unfortunately it’s Harvey. He’s pulled from Sabrina’s hands and his momentum carries him over the edge of the cloud.

Harvey- (OS)Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!... I’m flying!

Like a brick. There’s a sickening crump as Harvey stops flying extremely suddenly. Amanda and Sabrina look down into the void.

Amanda- You broke my boyfriend!

Sabrina- I didn’t break your boyfriend... I broke my boyfriend!

Ext. Cloud 8. First aid station. Harvey sits bandaged in a wheel chair beside the nurses station. Sabrina and Amanda stand anxiously by.

Amanda- (To nurse) Thank you for saving my boyfriend.

Sabrina- Oh, for the last time, he’s my... You know what? I give up. Harvey’s yours. Of course that means you’re going to have to sign some release forms.

Amanda- Today, a medical release form; tomorrow, a wedding licence.

Sabrina- Be sure to let me know where you’re registered.

When Amanda turns to sign the nurses forms, Sabrina puts her cunning plan into action. She grabs Harvey’s wheel chair and runs for it.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem’s waiting when Sabrina wheels the unconscious Harvey in.

Salem- When I ask for a wheel chair, everyone says no.

Sabrina- I’ve gotta get Harvey out of harms way. Er ‘Put Harvey in his own bed with none of these happenings in his head’

She points and her sparkles swirl around Harvey.

Int. Harvey’s bedroom. Harvey suddenly sits bolt upright in bed, fully clothed.

Harvey- (To himself) Weird? I haven’t taken a nap in years.

He runs his fingers through his hair and sees something on his fingers.

Harvey- (Cont.) And I’ve got cloud in my hair?

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina frantically flips through the pages of the magic book.

Sabrina- I’ve got to find a way to stop Amanda’s infatuation with Harvey.

Salem- So we’re just not gonna talk about my wheel chair?

She gives him the look as the wicked witch of the West comes through the linen closet.

Amanda- (OS) I’ll get you Sabrina, and your little kitty too. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Sabrina and Salem look round at the door. Sabrina points, quickly adding five locks and dead-bolts to it before Amanda can get in.

Amanda- (OS) I’m burning mad!

Two blacked hand prints appear on the door and start to expand, burning through until an Amanda shaped hole allows her to walk in.

Sabrina- Well the queen of property damage has arrived.

Amanda- Where did you hide my Harvey?

Salem- You can have Harvey! Just don’t hurt me. (Sob! Sob!)

Sabrina- Er what Salem’s trying to say is why don’t we be mature about this and discuss it rationally?

Amanda- I’ll tear this realm apart until I find him.

Sabrina- Interesting take on rational.

Amanda turns to carry out her threat.

Sabrina- Freeze!

Amanda spins back with finger cocked. Sabrina’s quick on the draw and the two launched spells collide and intertwine in a colourful display of power. The mixed spell goes bouncing around the room and the two witches follow it’s progress with there eyes until it hits...

Salem- Ghe?!

It’s all he manages to get out before he’s encases him in a solid block of ice. Amanda shrugs and leaves.

Sabrina- Huh, talk about your cool cat. Sorry.

Int. Genies bottle. It’s getting a little crowded. It seems as if anyone who calls at the Spellman’s just can’t resist taking a peek inside the bottle. A Hoover salesman and an Avon lady have joined the trapped crowd.

Hilda- I should do some early Christmas shopping.

The Hoover man taps Zelda on the shoulder while she’s hard at work on her laptop... playing solitaire. When he has her attention he sprinkles dirt on her antique carpet before hoovering it up again.

Zelda- Can’t you people call during dinner, like everyone else?

She turns back to her laptop but is startled by two giant eyes looking in through the glass.

Zelda- (Cont.) Hilda! It’s Dreama. She can zap us out!

Hilda- Are we talking about the same Dreama?

Zelda- We’re desperate. (Yelling) Dreama! Zap us out.

Hilda- (Yelling) But don’t open the lid!

Ext. Spellman back porch. Dreama has her head by the bottle trying to hear what the funny little people are saying.

Dreama- What did you say?

Maybe she could hear them better if she... She’s sucked into the bottle.

Hilda- (OS) Zelda! Get your hands off her throat!

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina has her nose buried in the magic book once more. Salem sits beside it wrapped in a towel and shivering.

Salem- I-I’ve lost all f-f-f-feeling in my tail.

Sabrina- I’ve gotta stop Amanda’s infatuation before she finds Harvey. Oh! There’s nothing under ‘Crush’, ‘Puppy love’ or ‘Psychotic pre-teens lacking scruples or any sense of morality’

Salem- Wagging that appendage was my only creative outlet. Oh what’ll I do? (Sob!)

Sabrina- Help me find a spell!

Salem- Look under ‘Desire’

She does and Salem manages to get his tail to twitch.

Salem- (Cont.) Oh! You’re back. Whip it tiger.

He swishes it back and forth happily.

Sabrina- Here’s something! Hopefully this’ll help kill Amanda’s desire.

She closes her eyes in concentration and points.

Int. Spellman living room. Harvey enters wearing a torn white T-shirt and looking very intense.

Harvey- (Yelling upstairs) Hey Sabrina! Hey Sabrina!

Sabrina hurries down the stairs concerned.

Sabrina- Stanley... Kinkle-ski?

Harvey collapses to his knees before her and holds her to him while he sobs hopelessly into her stomach.

Harvey- Don't ever leave me baby!

Sabrina- (To herself) Maybe I should have read the fine print on that ‘desire’ spell.

Salem- (OS) Sabrina, it looks like you did a ‘Streetcar named desire’ spell.

Sabrina- (Calling back) Thank you.

Harvey- (Angry) No ones made me dinner!

He sweeps his arms across the top of the sideboard sending everything on it crashing to the floor.

Harvey- (Cont.) I have to eat before I go bowling!

Sabrina- Yeah well this spell certainly killed desire. Mine.

She points at Harvey.

Int. Harvey’s bedroom. He awakes and looks down at himself.

Harvey- How did I tear my T-shirt? Why did I dream I was playing poker with Carl Malden?

He ponders these mighty questions for a whole two seconds before shrugging and diving back into his pillow.

Int. Spellman living room. A much more perky Salem leaps down the stairs and up onto the conveniently cleared sideboard next to Sabrina. She has her chin resting in her palm as she ponders her problems.

Salem- De-do-da-de-do-da-de. Oh dang, I missed Stanley.

Amanda enters.

Amanda- Where’s Harvey? I’ve looked everywhere. Even Iowa.

Salem- You looked in the mid-west and you didn’t even check his bedroom?

Sabrina- Salem!

Amanda- Thanks for the tip.

She raises her finger to zap herself to Harvey’s bedroom but once again Sabrina proves she’s the faster draw. She disables Amanda quite niftily by enclosing both her hands in fifty pound blocks of concrete. Both hands clump to the sideboard top.

Sabrina- Concrete solution.

She heads off to the kitchen to try and find help.

Salem- This might be a good time to throw her in the river.

Amanda’s threatening glare has the same effect on him as Sabrina’s... None at all.

Int. Genies bottle. A couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses are trying to convert everyone in the very overcrowded jar.

Hilda- You’re stepping on my foot! I feel like I’m in a bejewelled ant hill.

Zelda- Hilda, why did you have to come in here? Why couldn’t you just leave me alone?

Hilda- I was excited about the plough I bought.

Zelda- That’s not true, and it could have waited until later.

Hilda- Well this is a conundrum isn’t it?

Zelda- Why is it that our entire lives, whenever I try to find solitude in my own room, tree-house, pod, there you were. Why is that?!

Hilda- Well the only thing that I can think of is that a lot of the time there’s just the two of us. So that if you’re alone, that means I’m alone and when I’m alone, I get lonely.

Zelda- Hilda, we’ve had a breakthrough. I understand you now. I want to be alone but you have every right not to be alone. Do me a favour, get a dog!

Hilda- That’s a great idea! We’ll go to the pound together.

Zelda sighs in frustration and snatches a half eaten cookie from Dreama who is becoming very interested in what the JW’s have to say.

Ext. Spellman back porch. Sabrina comes out.

Sabrina- (To herself) Okay, I have to do something before Amanda pulls an Incredible Hulk on that cement. I know I’m not supposed to disturb aunt Zelda but...

Her hand reaches out to the bottle but stops when she hears a repetitive thumping sound getting nearer.

Sabrina- (Cont.) The monsters on the move.

Amanda makes her slow, awkward way through the door. Heaving both arms up, swinging her weighted hands a few inches forward before they drop again, taking a small step and then repeating the process again. She sees Sabrina about to open the bottle.

Amanda- Go ahead you big tattle-tale. I guess you’re not mature enough to handle this one on your own.

Sabrina- I don’t need any help, I can solve this one all by myself.

Int. Spellman living room.

Sabrina- Salem, what do I do?

Salem- Well hiring a hit-man is prohibitively expensive, so I guess you could just wait for her to out grow this crush on Harvey.

An idea flickers into being.

Sabrina- Why wait when one is a witch? I can use magic to make her grow up!

Christina Aguilera’s ‘What a girl wants’ plays over the following.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina’s planted Amanda in a large flower-pot. She’s buried up to her knees with her arms tied spread to a trellis behind her. A couple of sacks of finest compost and a watering-can do their work. Amanda watches Sabrina’s horticultural efforts with disdain.

When Sabrina pours in the mulch, the stench forces her to hold her nose. Poor Amanda can’t do the same with her arms tied so Sabrina does it for her and let’s her own sinuses suffer.

Talking to plants allegedly helps them grow. Sabrina reads ‘The Feminine Mystique’ by Betty Friedan to Amanda. Amanda is almost nodding off with the excitement.

Plenty of light encourages growth. Amanda screws her eyes shut, blinded by the banks of two hundred watt spot-lights pointed at her when Sabrina plugs them in. She helps her niece out by slipping a pair of sunglasses on for her and dabbing zinc cream in her nose.

Sabrina yawns after a hard day gardening. Amanda glowers at her glumly but is distracted by an odd itching on the top of her head. Her eyes turn up as brilliant red orchid flower blooms and spreads it’s colourful petals. Her sour expression turns to a delighted smile. Sabrina smile matches hers.

Sabrina helps Amanda out of the plant-pot as the music fades.

Sabrina- So, now that you’ve blossomed, are you any older and wiser?

Amanda- I sure am. Wise enough to know I wanna stay a kid as long as I can.

Sabrina- Wonderful.

Amanda- And since I’m a kid, I don’t need a boyfriend.

Sabrina- Perfect! I have finally done a spell that turned exactly the way it should.

Amanda- And in the spirit of staying young, I’m going to cut your hair.

She points smiling. Snip-snip-snip! Sabrina’s pride and joy, her lovely long, blonde tresses are shorn to a ragged and tattered shoulder length.

Sabrina- See? A perfect spell. I needed a new hair cut... Aunt Zelda! (Sob!)

Ext. Spellman back porch. Sabrina comes out in tears.

Sabrina- (Sob!) Aunt Zelda! (Sob!)

Int. Genies bottle.

Zelda- Am I the only one who thinks we’re running out of air?

Hilda- Sabrina’s our only hope.

The stopper pops and Sabrina arrives looking around at all the strangers.

Hilda- (Cont.) Amanda’s our only hope.

Amanda- (OS) I’m going home!

Hilda- Like I said, Salem’s our only hope!

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. The next morning. A small, black, furry bundle is curled up on the bed snoring like a buzz-saw as the sun comes up. He awakens with a huge yawn.

Salem- Mmm Nothin’ like a little cat-nap.

Ext. Spellman back porch. Salem comes running out.

Salem- Where is everybody? I’m hungry!

He jumps up onto the table, rocking the bottle. Everyone inside hangs on until it settles. He starts to paw at the bottle.

Salem- (Cont.) Zelda, feed me! I will not be ignored!

He gives it a swipe with his paw send it crashing from the table. A large plume of pink smoke clears to reveal all the people from the bottle standing dazed, but full sized on the porch.

Sabrina- Well. Aunt Zelda, I’m really sorry about your bottle but I think there’s an empty soup can in the trash.

Hilda- Yeah, too bad Salem ruined your secret hideaway.

Zelda- Well that is the one good thing about being a witch.

She raises her finger with a flourish.

Zelda- (Cont.) Everyone stay out of my tree-house!

She heads for the garden.

Hilda- Tree-house?

She, Sabrina and Dreama all follow to check out Zelda’s new hideaway.

Int. Harvey’s car. That night. Sabrina, having got her hair fixed, and Harvey get home from their date.

Run credits

Harvey- Well it’s getting late, I’ll walk you to your door.

Sabrina- I had a really great time tonight.

Harvey- Me too. When I’m with you Sabrina, I’m on cloud nine.

Sabrina smiles happily as Harvey leans over to kiss her. There’s a tap on the drivers side window. Harvey breaks the kiss and winds it down.

Amanda- Harvey, I have to tell you, I’m sorry but I’m breaking up with you. It’s for the best.

She shakes hands with him and leaves. He turns bewildered to Sabrina.

Harvey- Sabrina, do you ever black out and miss big parts of the day?



Pic of the Week