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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

The End Of An Era

Written By - Frank Conniff
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Mr. Kraft - Martin Mull
Josh - David Lascher
Brad - Jon Huartas
Mr. Cornwallis - Tim Bagley
Mirror Man - Dennis Lipscomb
Caterer - Louisa Abernathy

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem watches jealously as Sabrina opens presents. She pulls a kettle from a gift wrapped box.

Sabrina- <Gasp!> A hot-pot! I love it. I can just see myself at Adams, boiling water.

Salem- You know whatíd make a really great graduation gift? A ĎMr. Microphoneí!

Sabrina- Yeah, if youíve gotten every other gift in the world.

The toaster pings.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey, the toaster! I bet itís a present from the Other Realm.

She goes over and tries to retrieve the package from the toaster but...

Sabrina- Hey, itís stuck!

Salem- Probably snagged on my cheese toast.

Sabrina- You know youíre not supposed to melt stuff in our delicate Other Realm communication system.

She goes back to tugging.

Salem- Just a bagel and a little cheese.

Suddenly the package comes free. Sabrina staggers back as gallons of dairy produce fountains from the toaster all over the kitchen. The yellow stuff just keeps on coming.

Salem- (Cont.) Okay! A bagel and a wheel of cheese! Same difference.

Run opening credits.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Sabrinaís been hard at work with a mop, bucket and loo-brush in the public restroom. She comes over to Josh in her snazzy Marigolds.

Sabrina- Okay, the towels are changed, the soap dispensers are filled and the urinal cakes are replaced.

Josh- This is how I keep people from knowing I like you best.

Sabrina- Including me.

Sabrina takes her accoutrements into the back as Harvey enters and immediately graces Josh with a dirty look.

Josh- Well Skippy, come to spend some of that hard earned paper route money?

Sabrina comes out the back and watches.

Harvey- Tough talk for a college junior who still attends high school proms.

Touché! Josh backs off as Sabrina pulls Harvey away.

Sabrina- Harvey? Canít you guys be nice?

Harvey- No. He likes you Sabrina.

Sabrina- Right, weíre friends.

Harvey- But heís hoping for girlfriend. Look, I-I donít like you spending time with him and I bet if the shoe was on the other foot...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Hey, I have never once been jealous of you and Josh.

He doesnít see the funny side.

Harvey- Sabrina, I donít ask for much. Quit this job, please? Do it for me?

Sabrina- Harvey, thatís not fair. I like Josh and nothing is going on and I need this job.

Harvey- That was an awfully long no.

He turns away dejected and leaves. Sabrina starts after him.

Sabrina- Harvey!

But a customer near the door hands her his mug for a refill and when she looks up again heís gone.

Sabrina- (To herself) Great. A fight with my boyfriend and... (Sniffing her arm) I smell like Comet.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem watches as Hilda tapes a pink ĎOut of orderí sign onto the cheese encrusted toaster.

Hilda- You know, you are like the evil version of the Matag repair man.

Salem- What? I needed the calcium.

Zelda enters with some paperwork.

Hilda- Zellie. Have you decided what youíre gonna get Sabrina for graduation?

Zelda- Oh I havenít had time to think about it. Iíve been too busy handling this law suit Willard has filed against you for hitting his car.

Hilda- Oh yeah, that.

Zelda- Yeah that. (Flicking through her papers) Speaking of that, have you seen a notarised witness statement? Itís pink.

She and Salem look at the toaster.

Hilda- Found it.

She goes over and peels it from the sticky toaster.

Salem- Tee-hee-hee. Whoís in trouble now?

Int. Sabrinaís bedroom. Salem watches Sabrina opening her graduation gifts on her bed.

Sabrina- You know Harveyís being so unreasonable. I donít know why he doesnít want me hanging out with Josh? He must not trust me.

Salem- That is so sad. I think thereís only one thing you can do. Open another present!

She picks up a small, flat, rectangular gift, Probably a CD.

Salem- (Cont.) Is it a ĎMr. Microphoneí? Is it a ĎMr. Microphoneí?

She waggles it about.

Sabrina- No, itís luggage.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda answers the door and Mr. Kraft, carrying and bouquet of flowers walks straight in past her.

Hilda- Oh come right in.

Mr. Kraft- Is er Zelda here?

Hilda- No, sheís out at a meeting getting her seven day free of Willard chip.

Mr. Kraft- Well my car is fixed, it actually goes in reverse now. So I wanna inform you that I am dropping the law suit.

Hilda- Isnít it too bad they havenít invented the telephone yet?

Mr. Kraft- Will you please give these to Zelda?

He hands her the flowers.

Hilda- Will do.

Mr. Kraft leaves, Zelda tosses the flowers in the basket by the door and heads for the kitchen. Thereís the sound of screeching brakes and a crump from out side. Hilda dashes back to the door.

Ext. Spellman front porch. Hilda comes out as Zelda runs up.

Zelda- Iíve just hit Willard!

Mr. Kraft staggers up to the door straightening his jacket.

Mr. Kraft- Oh <Pant!> Oh I am so suing! You know Iíve always liked this place, itíll be fun owning it.

He limps off.

Zelda- (Calling after) I didnít hit you hard! (To Hilda) What was he doing here?

Hilda- Oh he came by to drop some law suit.

Int. Sabrinaís bedroom. Salemís up to his neck in presents on the bed. Sabrina sits at her desk with the magic book open.

Sabrina- You know, I have no problem at all with Harvey and Josh being friends.

Salem- Were your friends operating under a price limit when they got you all these things?

Sabrina- Hey, I found something! (Reading) ĎIf two enemies break bread together, they will no longer be enemiesí Iím gonna bake some friendship bread.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem watches with keen interest as Hilda and Zelda play 'Iíll show you mine if youíll show me yours.'

Hilda- Hereís my gift, a magic mirror

She hands Zelda the large garish hand mirror, about the size of a tennis racket..

Zelda- Oh yeah, you canít get this kinda plastic just anywhere.

Hilda- Itís not what it looks like, itís what it does.

She takes the mirror back and looks into it.

Hilda- (Cont.) Mirror, mirror... near the wall, whoís the best gift giver of them all?

The image in the mirror changes to an overweight bald bloke with smarmy eyes.

Mirror Man- You wrote the cheque, so I guess itís you Chickie-bee.

Hilda- (To Hilda) Case closed.

Zelda- Chickie-bee?

Ext. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Harvey and Brad stop outside the coffee house. Harvey still doesnít look happy.

Brad- I donít get it Kinkle. If you canít stand this guy Josh, why do you keep coming back here?

Harvey- Iíve gotta keep my eye on Mr. I-canít-find-a-girl-my-own-age. Donít worry, I plan to keep a really low profile.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Brad and Harvey enter. Josh walks by while Harvey keeps his head down.

Josh- Oh hey, have you seen Sabrina?

Harvey- Keep away from my girlfriend!

Brad quickly puts himself between Harvey and Josh before Harvey can thump him.

Josh- Iíll stay away from Sabrina when she tells me to.

Harvey- Maybe she did tell you to but youíre starting to forget things, grandpa!

Sabrina enters and takes Bradís place keeping the boys apart.

Sabrina- Hey look! Fresh baked bread from my ever-loviní oven!

She pulls the wrapper off a still warm loaf with raisins.

Brad- Iím game!

She elbows him in the bread basket, knocking him aside.

Brad- (Cont.) Aw!

Josh- (To Harvey) Maybe you should leave.

Harvey- Maybe you should make me.

Sabrina- Itís got raisins!

Brad- Oh raisins, yum.

He gets the elbow again as she tears the loaf in half. When Josh and Harvey open their mouths to threaten each other some more, she jams half a loaf into each orifice. They both bite and chew. The change is as sudden as it is dramatic.

Josh- (To Harvey) Hey I-Iím on break now, letís have a cup of coffee together

Harvey- Only if Iím buyiní

The pair head off to the counter with their arms round each other like old chums. Sabrina watches them go pleased. Brad watches the bread go with them, disappointed and hungry.

Sabrina- (To Brad) Look at them. This bread could have kept The Beatles together.

Int. Spellman living room.

Hilda- Admit it, I got Sabrina the best gift.

Zelda- I donít know how you can compare a specially brewed, home made scent with a snotty talking looking glass?

Hilda- I know, you canít. Mine's clearly better.

Salem- A-a-a-hem!

He clears his throat about to give his opinion on the two gifts. He knocks both the looking glass and the small vial of expensive perfume from the sideboard, smashing them both.

Zelda- Salem!

Salem- Oopsie!

Hilda- You did that on purpose!

Salem- I think the ĎOopsieí implies that I didnít.

Hilda- Oh I see your vile little plan. You break our gifts in the childish hopes that we will then buy Sabrina a ĎMr. Microphoneí

Zelda- Yeah, itís so obvious! (To Hilda) A Mr. what?

Salem- I have no such plan... Did it work?

He gets a double trouble stare.

Hilda- Oh you are in for it buster. Not only did you break irreplaceable items but youíve now freed the man in the mirror.

The bald bloke stands looking around the living room.

Mirror Man- This decor is really the fairest of them all... if your talking county fairs.

He sticks his finger in his mouth making gagging sounds.

Zelda- (To Salem) First the toaster, now this mess. I donít know when Iíve been so angry with you. You are in a peck of trouble.

Salem- Define peck?

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Harvey and Josh are still getting on great. Harvey pulls out a chair for Josh.

Harvey- Allow me.

Josh- No please, allow me.

Harvey- Oh, I insist.

Josh- No, I insist.

Harvey- You first.

Josh- No-no, you first.

Sabrina is watching from the settee and has heard enough. She calls over.

Sabrina- Oh just sit down!

They both sit. Sabrina turns to Brad whoís watching it all with a frown.

Sabrina- Well itís nice to see them getting along... for a change.

Brad- Itís like Chip and Dale... only Iím not enjoying it.

Sabrina walks over to Harvey and Josh.

Sabrina- So, how are you guys doiní?

Harvey- Great. We just found out, we both share a love of turkey jerky. (To Josh) Iím sorry, did you wanna answer that?

Josh- No-no, your answer was just perfect.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Ha, this is goiní great.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda are still on the gift trail.

Zelda- Have you thought of anything else to get Sabrina?

Hilda- Maybe I have and maybe I havenít.

Zelda- Look Hilda, I think weíre getting into a bad area here, competing through presents.

Hilda- I had that thought first.

Zelda- You know maybe weíre focused on the presents because we donít wanna focus on the reality. Sabrinaís leaving for college.

Hilda- Yeah, next year itíll just be the two of us.

Int. Spellman dining room, a pair of pointy black ears twitch and a sleepy head raises from itís paws.

Salem- (To himself) Did she say ĎJust the two of usí?

Int. Spellman kitchen.

Zelda- Yeah, itíll be strange to have just two. Well on the plus side, fewer groceries to buy.

Int. Spellman dining room.

Salem- (To himself) Fewer groceries? Only the two? Da! Dear lord, theyíre getting rid of the cat!

He gets up and slinks off.

Int. Spellman kitchen.

Zelda- Oh well, right now we have other things to deal with.

She turns round to look at the mirror man behind the counter. Heís using an aerosol can on his bald pate.

Zelda- (Cont.) Are you painting your head?

Mirror Man- Oh itís murder on my pillow but the ladies... mmm love it!

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Sabrina and the chums are still sat together. Josh reads the local paper.

Josh- (To Harvey) Hey-hey! Harvey look, thereís a ĎDie Hardí marathon playing at the student union!

Sabrina- I like ĎDie Hardí

Harvey- (To Josh) Excellent. Weíll stock up on jerky and sit in the front row.

Sabrina- I prefer ĎSkittlesí but okay.

Josh- (To Harvey) Youíre on.

The boys get up to go.

Sabrina- Hey! Remember me?

Harvey- (To Josh) Hey yeah, Sabrina.

She smiles, feeling a part of the group for the first time since she sat with them.

Harvey- (Cont.) She can cover for you.

Josh- (To Harvey) Letís go!

The boys head for the door leaving Sabrina behind.

Sabrina- (To herself) That does it! ĎThis friendship is clawing, thatís a fact. Bring up the bread with the magic of Ipecací

She points at them as they reach the door. They suddenly stop clutching their stomachs and both make a beeline for the menís room.

Sabrina- (Calling after) See, I told you that raw chicken is not a delicacy!

Int. Sabrinaís bedroom. Salem is feeling distinctly sorry... for himself.

Salem- (Sob! Sob! Sob!) Get a hold of yourself Saberhagen. Think! There must be some mistake. They love you... okay, they can stand you. Wait a minute, they have to keep me, the Witches Council wont let them get rid of me! Oh thank heavens for bureaucracy!

He jumps down from the bed and heads out the door.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem comes down the stairs and hears Zelda and Hilda talking. He stops on the stairs to eves-drop.

Zelda- Well we have to find him some place to stay, donít we?

Hilda- No. I talked to the Witches Council and according to them, technically, heís a freeloader. So we can throw him out on the streets for all they care.

Salem- (To himself) Not the streets! Thereís scary stuff on the streets.

Hilda- (Cont.) I say we toss him out and let him fend for himself.

Salem turns and runs back up stairs.

Salem- (To himself) (Sob! Sob!) Iím a dead man! (Sob!)

Zelda- Letís at least get him a room at the ĎYí?

Mirror Man- Is there anything in this house to drink?

Zelda- (To Hilda) A small room.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Two very pale looking guys eventually emerge from the boys room. Sabrina greets them cheerily.

Sabrina- Hey, so you two threw-up together. Isnít that some sort of male bonding thing?

Harvey- Only in a prison movie.

Sabrina- But you guys still feel close right?

Harvey- I never would have been sick if I hadnít eaten food from this e-colli farm.

Josh- What?!

Sabrina- (Interrupting and getting between them) Oh er ignore him, heís just a little testy. You know heís at his worst post vomit.

Josh- (To Harvey) Thatís it, Iím not putting up with your insults anymore.

Sabrina- Oh it looks like someone else is a little testy. Thatís something you two have in common.

Josh- (To Harvey) You are hereby banned from this place.

Harvey- Sabrina, if you keep working for this guy weíre through.

He leaves still clutching his stomach.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Harvey?!

Josh- Good riddance.

He walks away to the counter.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Josh?! (To herself) Okay, as usual, my plan is going perfectly.

Int. Sabrinaís bed room. That night. Salem sits on the back of Sabrinaís comfy chair while Sabrina curls up in it.

Sabrina- Why am I so reluctant to quit the coffee house? Itís not the free day old muffins. What is the true meaning behind this?

Salem- You still like Josh, you bone head! Now help me, Iím being evicted!

Sabrina- I do like Josh. I mean I couldnít imagine not seeing him every day, but I canít imagine life without Harvey either.

Salem- And I canít imagine life without fluffy pillows and a shower massage. (Sob!)

Sabrina- Get out, you little narcissist.

Salem- You just mean out of your room, not the house right?

She points at the door. Salem runs sobbing from the room.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Salemís found the one thing thatíll never flip him off. The linen basket.

Salem- (To himself) Maybe Sabrinaís right. There is a chance, however slim, that my ironic and detached nature could be misconstrued as jerkiness. Well Iíll just act nice and then the aunts wont give me the heave-ho. How hard could it be?

Hilda comes from her room with a bundle of laundry.

Salem- Say, have you been getting sleep? You look a lot less... yellow that usual.

Hilda smiles down at him and the linen basket flips him off over the banister when she puts her laundry in it. Salem can be heard thumping down the stairs. Hilda walks back to her room without a word or a glance. Slowly Salemís paw comes into view as he hauls himself back up.

Salem- Well no-oneís good at anything the first time.

He loses his grip and tumbles back down the stairs with a cry.

Int. Sabrinaís bedroom. She buried nose deep in the magic book once more.

Sabrina- (To Herself) I need help. Oh a boyfriend course! It sounds promising, besides, Iím desperate.

She points at the book. The image of a man springs from the page into her room. He wears spectacles and a suit and carries a clip-board.

Mr. Cornwallis- Having trouble picking a boyfriend?

Sabrina- Exactly.

Mr. Cornwallis- Then you need the boyfriend course. Sign up here.

He hands her the clip-board and a pen. She signs and as soon as she dots the ĎIí she and Mr. Cornwallis are molecularly transferred to the Other Realm.

Ext. The Boyfriend Course. Sabrina and Mr. Cornwallis materialise in a thickly wooded area. Mr. Cornwallis has changed into referees stripes.

Mr. Cornwallis- This is the boyfriend course.

Sabrina looks around at the climbing ropes and balance bars and sighs.

Sabrina- Oh I get it, an obstacle course, clever. I never get enough of those Other Realm puns.

Mr. Cornwallis- And here are the boyfriends.

With a wave of his arm Harvey and Josh arrive, both looking suitably bemused and confused.

Harvey- Where are we?

Sabrina- Oh er thi-this is just some weird dream.

Harvey- Helena Rooseveltís not gonna appear and start hitting me with a leg oí lamb is she?

Sabrina- No... itís a different weird dream.

Mr. Cornwallis- (To Sabrina) Donít worry, theyíre under a spell. Theyíll never remember a thing. (To the boys) Go!

He blows his whistle and both Josh and Harvey run for the climbing net.

Sabrina- Okay, um just one question Mr. Chips. How is this gonna help me to decide on the right boyfriend?

Mr. Cornwallis- Oh thatís easy. You choose the one that isnít dead.

Sabrina- Oh right... What?!

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda and Zelda sit on the settee. Salem sits at the back.

Zelda- So weíre agreed. Instead of competing, weíll come up with a present for Sabrina that we both like and go in on it together.

Hilda- Perfect. I bet my gift ideas are better than yours. (On her look) Sorry.

Salem- I hate to interrupt conversations of genius <Snigger> But may I say, you two vexing beauties are radiating brilliance.

Zelda- Salem, youíre still gonna be punished. Donít try buttering us up.

Salem- Donít be ridiculous, everyone knows butter only belongs on lovely finger sandwiches. <Snigger> Follow me.

Int. Spellman dining room. Salem leads the aunts in to see a fully laid out dining table. Fine china tea service, silver platters piles high with cakes, scones, muffins and lovely finger sandwiches.

Salem- High tea, from me, to thee.

Zelda- Oh my!

Salem- Oh donít we have a fine time, the three of us?

Ext. The Boyfriend Course. Josh and Harvey are neck and neck crawling on their bellyís under the ropes. They try to pull at each other to gain an advantage. Sabrinaís a little confused in her cheering.

Sabrina- Go Harvey! Go Josh! Go... team!

Mr. Cornwallis- Itís sweet of you to root for both of them. That way you donít have to feel guilty at the losers funeral.

Sabrina- <Sigh> No offence zebra boy, but these are young guys. Unless one of your obstacles is a piece of delectable looking cake laced with anthrax, this course is not gonna kill them.

Mr. Cornwallis- Donít worry, the sudden death will.

With a smile he transfers Sabrina and himself to the end of the course. When Sabrina materialises she notices something odd. Sheís a good few inches shorter than normal. A quick glance down gives her the answer. Her feet are missing. Well actually they are there, theyíve just sunk into the ground. She tries to pull out her right foot but itís stuck fast and all she succeeds in doing is forcing her left foot a little deeper. After a brief struggle sheís mired up to her calves.

Sabrina- Okay, I appear to be standing in some sort of primordial ouse... in my good shoes! What is this stuff?

Mr. Cornwallis- Quicksand.

Sabrina gives a horrified scream and starts blasting away with her pointing finger to get the heck out of there. Nothing happens.

Mr. Cornwallis- (Cont.) It wouldnít be sporting if you had magic.

Sabrina- Um. You know what? Iíve changed my mind. Iíd like to drop this course.

Mr. Cornwallis- Whoever saves you, gets you. I know that sounds a little bit sexist but this hasnít been updated since sixteen seventy-two. Just relax.

Sabrina- (Far from relaxed) You relax! One wrong move and Iím stuck in a sand smoothy! (Yelling) Help Harvey! Josh!

Farther down the course, Josh and Harvey come into view. Josh is in the lead.

Josh- Have no fear Sabrina! Iím on my way!

But Harvey pulls him back.

Harvey- Hey! Dudley Doright called. He wants his dialogue back! Sabrina, Iíll be right there!

He runs down a high sided canyon toward her but two swinging, razor sharp swinging blades cause him to stop dead in his tracks.

Sabrina- Okay, that might hold them up.

Int. Spellman dining room. Hilda and Zelda enjoy their tea.

Hilda- Is there anything more delightful than a perfect cup of Darjeeling served in bone china?

Zelda- Not to mention the civility of corn relish on toast points.

Salem- Marvellous, and I did it all myself.

Thereís a crash from the kitchen.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda rush in to find white clad caterers hard at work.

Zelda- Salem!

Salem- Well dressed robbers! Call the police! Okay, which one of you two left the back door open?

Caterer- I hope everything was to your liking and yes, we accept all major credit cards.

She hands the bill to Zelda.

Zelda- <Gasp!> My heavens! Were those pastries spun from gold?

Salem- I just wanted you to have the best. Maybe I didnít think this through. Youíre pretty!

Ext. The Boyfriend Course. Harvey and Josh are still held up by the swinging blades. They both try to time a dash through the gap but itís too short.

Harvey- Hang on Sabrina, Iíll save you!

Josh- Stay calm Sabrina, Iíll save you!

Sabrina- Why shouldnít I be calm? Some people pay thousands of dollars for this kind of beauty treatment.

She glances down at her legs. Theyíre only visible now from above the knee. She had heard somewhere that it was best not to struggle when stuck in quicksand but when she could see herself still sinking it was darned hard not to.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Help!

The boys are struggling with each other as much as with the problem of the blades. Harvey spots a long, thick wooden pole and grabs it.

Harvey- Hey, maybe I can stop the blades with this.

Josh- Give me that!

Josh snatches it from him and pushes him back. He times it perfectly. jamming the pole between the two blades. They stop swinging and Harvey squirms quickly through the gap. He just makes it before the blades slice through the pole leaving Josh still stuck behind the blades. Sabrina has had to cover her eyes for fear of seeing Harvey sliced and diced. She slowly lowers them.

Sabrina- (To herself) Okay, I'm not sure that he's intact. (Yelling) Run, Harvey Kinkle! Run!

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda and Hilda enter through the front door.

Zelda- Well I think we have truly found the perfect graduation present, a car.

Hilda- I know in our hearts that Sabrina loves us for who we are... but this is really gonna synch it!

She waves the car keys.

Hilda- (Cont.) Letís put the keys in a little box, and then put that box in a bigger box, and then put that box...

Sheís interrupted by a knock at the door. Zelda goes to answer it.

Hilda- (Cont.) Ugh! Now Iíve lost my train of thought.

Itís Mr. Kraft.

Zelda- Oh, Willard, glad to see you up and about. I assume youíre here to serve papers.

Mr. Kraft- No, Iím-Iím dropping the law suit. I er...

He glances round and spots the days old flowers still in the basket by the door. He glances across at Hilda then pulls them out and gives them to Zelda.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Zelda, we've been through too much together to have it end this way... And my lawyer took my retainer and went to Tonga.

Zelda- Oh thank you Willard.

She goes to hug him but he backs off.

Mr. Kraft- No-no-no, my emotions and my spine are both a little raw. So...

Zelda- So...

He leaves.

Ext. Spellman front porch. Mr. Kraft comes out cautiously. He looks all around as well as above him before venturing off down the path.

Int. Spellman living room.

Hilda- Oh now I remember. In a bigger box, and then that box...

There a crash from outside.

Zelda- Not again?!

Ext. Spellman front porch. Zelda and Hilda come out and try very hard not to laugh.

Zelda- How did he manage to walk into all those trash cans?

Ext. The Boyfriend Course. Sabrina canít help but wriggle and squirm as the liquefied sand reaches her hips, completely trapping her legs.

Sabrina- Er apperantly there doesnít seem to be a bottom to this bottomless pit! (Yelling) Hurry!

Harvey- Hang on Sabrina, Iím almost...!

He comes to a skidding halt at the edge of the pit thatís before him. The floor of the pit slithers, slides and rattles.

Harvey- (Cont.) ...about to face my not so irrational childhood fear of snakes.

As he slowly backs away, Josh, who has at last managed to circumvent the blades comes running past.

Josh- (To Harvey) Out of my snakes!

He too comes to a sudden halt

Sabrina- Oh Iím sure theyíre a lot more afraid of you than you are of them.

Josh- (To Harvey) Hey look, thereís a plank we can use as a bridge.

Harvey goes to get it as Josh smiles.

Josh- (Cont.) Sucker.

He grabs hold of a vine thatís hanging by the cliff side and uses it to swing across the pit. He makes it easily and lets the vine swing back but it breaks off near the top, dropping into the pit. Harveyís left stranded on the wrong side. With a groan of terror he moves back.

Harvey- What we do for love.

He starts running and with his eyes tightly closed, leaps. His feet hit the edge on the far side sending dust down into the snake pit but heís over safely. He glances back down at the snakes.

Harvey- (Cont.) Figures. Four years warming the bench in football, now I find out I should have gone out for track.

He heads off in pursuit of Josh and to rescue Sabrina from a messy fate.

Int. Sabrinaís bedroom. Salemís really getting worried.

Salem- If I donít convince the aunties soon that Iíve really turned over a new leaf, Iím gonna be tossed out into the cold on my nicely rounded buttocks. Maybe Iíve been too subtle.

Int. Spellman living room. The aunties come down stairs to find an angel sat on their sideboard. Chewing gum wrappers wrapped round a coat hanger for a halo, cardboard cut out wings and a white night-shirt.

Salem- Blessings to all who enter here.

Hilda- You are still in deep doody, mister.

Zelda- After much thought weíve come up with your punishment. Now I want you to know itís severity is only to teach you a lesson.

Salem- (Sob! Sob! Sob!)

Hilda- Youíre grounded until further notice.

Salem- Grounded? You mean I canít leave the house?

Zelda- Thatís right. We realise weíre punishing ourselves as well, but what can we do?

Hilda- Iím glad we read the ĎMary Lou Hennerí book.

They wonder off to the kitchen.

Salem- (To himself) Oh sweet relief. Iíve still got a home! And best of all, I like being a nice guy. This new leaf is staying turned because Iím a changed cat!... (Spotting something) Car keys?

Ext. Collins road. A bright yellow VW beetle convertible with Massachusetts plates reading ĎSABRINAí burns rubber as it tears away from the curb.

Salem- Hardcastle and McCormick, eat your heart out!

Ext. The Boyfriend course. Sabrina had a moment of hope that she might just be able to extract herself from her sticky predicament. When the sand reached the bottom of her ribcage, she pressed down on the surface with her hands and found that she moved up a few inches. Maybe she could push herself out of this. But her hands had sunk under the surface and when she tried to extract them, she not only lost the few inches sheíd gained but lost a few more into the bargain. She was now mired up to her chest and to cap it all her arm were stuck fast as well.

Sabrina- (Yelling) Somebody save me! or at least scratch my nose!

Josh- Donít worry Sabrina, Iíll have you out of that quicksand within seconds.

He runs up and it looks as though he might be right until a sheet of searing flame blasts out of a hole in the canyon wall, completely blocking it. Heís only a matter of yards from Sabrina but it might as well be miles.

Josh- (Cont.) But if you have a crossword puzzle handy, you might wanna break it out.

Sabrina- (Sinking another inch) Hurry!

Harvey- Sabrina, Iím coming!

He catches up to Josh and looks around frantically.

Harvey- (To Josh) Iíll block the flames with this rock.

He puts his shoulder to the large boulder but Josh pushes him away.

Josh- Iím gonna save Sabrina.

Sabrina- Guys, I donít know if Iíve mentioned in casual conversation in the past but... I donít wanna die!

Another inch of her slips beneath the sand.

Harvey- (To Josh) I donít care who saves Sabrina, as long as Sabrina gets saved.

Josh- Youíre right.

Harvey- All right, help me push this thing.

They both put their shoulders to work while Sabrina sinks ever deeper.

Sabrina- (To Herself) Okay, I guess itís time to come up with a few last words. Letís see, er er Dying is easy, comedy is hard. No. Rosebud! No. Er, it is a far better thing... Darn it, all the good last words have already been done!

The sand flows in over her shoulders caressing her throat as the boys joint efforts finally bear fruit. The boulder tips and falls into place blocking the fire jet. The final few yards to Sabrina are now clear.

Harvey- We did it!

Josh- Alright!

They high five.

Josh- (Cont.) Wow, you must work out.

Harvey- Ah you know, Iíve been benchin...

Sabrina- (Interrupting with her head tilted back to keep her face above the surface) Guys, this stuff aint slowsand!

Harvey & Josh- (Together) Sabrina!

They run to her.

Int. Sabrinaís car. Salemís having a blast cruising main street with the sound system cranked to the max.

Salem- Wheeeeeeeeeee! You wanna know why I do this? Kicks man! Kicks! Yeah-ha-ha-ha!

Mr. Kraft walks down main street to the all night store checking his to do list.

Mr. Kraft- Get a ĎHungrymaní dinner. Watch a little of ĎThe Antiques Roadshowí...

He turns to cross the road without looking up until heís caught in the headlights of a flying yellow monster with the word ĎSABRINAí coming at him extremely quickly..

Mr. Kraft- Holly mother of pearl! Aaaaargh!

Salem slams on the breaks but itís too late. Car and principle meet.

Salem- (Cont.) Iím okay.

Mr. Kraft drags himself up the trunk and taps on the windscreen.

Mr. Kraft- I am suing you... cat?

Ext. The Boyfriend Course. Sabrina is saved. Sheís covered from head to toe in muddy sand, but sheís saved. Harvey and Josh try to get the worst of it off as she turns angrily to Mr. Cornwallis.

Sabrina- Just one question. What was the point of all this?

Mr. Cornwallis- The point was for one of them to die. Weíve never had both contestants survive before. Well good luck pickiní one of these brave boys.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina tells her aunts about her day and explains why sheís covered in ouse.

Sabrina- ...And the worst part, other than the pound of quicksand in my underwear, is that I still donít know what to do about Harvey and Josh.

Hilda- Iíll look it up, but Iím almost certain thereís a tribe in New Guinea where women can have multiple husbands.

Sabrina quite likes that idea.

Zelda- Oh honey, Iím sorry you have such a dilemma to face. I wish we could comfort you with your graduation present.

She glares at Salem but some things never change.

Salem- I bet now youíre kicking yourself for not getting her that ĎMr. Microphoneí

The toaster pings.

Hilda- The toasters fixed.

Salem- Now I can toast my ooey gooey sticky-bun.

More glaring.

Salem- (Cont.) Me no funny?

Zelda shakes her head and gets the message from the toaster.

Zelda- Itís a notice from the Witches Council. (Reading) ĎThis is to inform you that the friendship spell has caused the mortal, Harvey Kinkle, to reach his spell quotaí

Hilda- That means after the friendship bread, no more spells would affect him.

Sabrina- But what about the obstacle course? That means he dove under blades, jumped over snake pits and fought fire on his own! Iím beginning to think he likes me.

Hilda- Yeah-Yeah, heís brave but how are you gonna explain this to him?

Sabrina- Oh you know Harvey, he bought my ĎYouíre just dreamingí explanation per usual.

Harvey enters from the back door still looking dirty and sweaty from his daring do. He clearly has something on his mind.

Harvey- Sabrina, could we talk about the fact that... youíre a witch?

Sabrinaís mouth drops so far she could drive a bright yellow VW Beetle through it... if she had one.

Ext. Spellman back porch. A dog kennel has been set up and Salem lies in the doorway.

Run credits.

Salem- I know Iím in the dog house but this is ridiculous. (Calling out) Hello! I donít think I deserve this kind of treatment! It was just a car! And we really donít like that man! I said I was sorry! Well if I didnít, I meant to!

A dog howls in the distance.

Salem- (Cont.) Oh thereís no lock on this door. In fact thereís no door! And Iím out of pepper-spray! (Sob!) Youíll feel bad when Iím dead!

Mirror Man- (Sticking his head out of the kennel) Would you keep it down?



Pic of the Week