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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Heart Of The Matter

Written By - Suzanne Gangursky
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Morgan - Elisa Donovan
Josh - David Lascher
Miles - Trevor Lissauer
Roxie - Soleil Moon Frye
Roger Lodge - Roger Lodge
Joe - Brian Gross
Pete - Josh Blake
Bob - Mark Rickard
Adam - Chris Emerson
Justice of the Peace - Joe Medalis
Customer #1 - Donnell Keith
Customer #2 - John O’Brian

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house... Under new management.

Int. Hilda’s coffee house. The place is busy with breakfast trade. The queue at the counter stretches across the room... but no one’s getting served. The new manager is holding a staff meeting.

Hilda- As the new owner, I intend to turn Hilda’s into Boston’s premium coffee concern.

A customer slips out of the queue and leaves.

Hilda- (Cont.) I will be totally dedicated and personally involved in every critical, coffee related, decision.

A couple enter take one look at the queue, check their watches and leave.

Hilda- (Cont.) From the moment we open until the moment we close.

Sabrina- You’re going to be here at five a.m?

Hilda- Five a.m? Who’s up and dressed by five a.m?

Sabrina- Er that would be our customers.

Hilda- And my life is supposed to revolve around them?

Customer #1- Hello, waiting for coffee.

Hilda- Hello, having a meeting.

Josh- Hilda, you don’t have to be here all the time. We all take different shifts.

Hilda- I call the afternoon shift!

Josh- You’re the owner, you can take whatever shift you want.

Hilda- Already, you are becoming my favourite employee. I’m promoting you to manager.

Sabrina- He is the manager.

Customer #1- Could somebody manage to make me a grande-latte?

Hilda- Pipe-down Frankie, you should be home with your family having breakfast.

Sabrina- (To customer) Look, I’ll make you a latte and er just for your patience, I’ll throw in a free scone.

Customer #1- Listen, don’t bother, I’m out o’ here. I’m going to the cafe down the block where they, not only, advertise coffee, they sell it.

He leaves.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Wait, come back!

She glances around at her aunt sampling a brownie from the jar on the counter. Having taken a bite and not liked it, she tosses the half eaten cake back in the jar.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Or better yet, take me with you!

Run opening credits.

Later. The early trade has slackened off and Hilda checks the price list.

Hilda- Four bucks for a cup of coffee? These prices are outrageous. (To Sabrina) What am I paying you?

Sabrina- Minimum wage.

Hilda- Oow! Hilda’s gettin’ a B-mer.

Josh- Hilda, er normally, at the end of the day, we split the money in the tip-jar. Is that okay with you?

Hilda- Absolutely, I can always use extra cash.

She takes the tip-jar from Josh and wonders off.

Sabrina- Er, a few things you should know about my aunt. She’s insane, she’s insane and oh yeah, she’s insane.

Josh- She’s just new. It’ll take her a few weeks to learn the ropes, but while she’s learning, I could think of something that would soften the blow.

Sabrina- Taking the next few weeks off?

Josh- Er I was thinking more along the lines of dinner, Saturday night?

Sabrina- Josh, how can I put this?

Josh- How about ‘Sounds great Josh, I’d love to go’?

Sabrina- Look, I made up my mind when I started college that I was gonna try dating new people.

Josh- So date new people. Hi, I’m Irving, have we met?

Sabrina- Look Irving, nice to meet you but could you please tell Josh it aint gonna happen?

Josh- Why not? What, you don’t think we’d have fun?

Sabrina- Josh, the point is we have history. There are bound to be feelings and emotions and that could lead to something serious.

Josh- I’m asking you for a date Sabrina, not to pick out a house and names for the kids.

Sabrina- Good, ‘cause I am too young to commit to the two storey Victorian with the big back yard for little Courtney and Todd.

Josh- Todd? You’d name a kid Todd?

Sabrina- (Sigh!) The point is, I dated the same guy all through high school. I owe it to myself to experience something new.

Hilda- Let’s move it flunkies. I’m not paying you people minimum wage to sit around and yak.

Sabrina- (To Josh) So, are we still friends?

Josh- Right, friends.

Sabrina goes to wipe some tables just as Morgan comes up to the counter for a refill.

Morgan- Someone looks down, is everthing okay?

Josh- Yeah, I guess.

Morgan- I am sure that it’s nothing that a double mochaccino can’t cure. Come on, I’m buying.

Josh- It’s on the house.

Hilda- In your dreams Bean Boy. (To Morgan) Four bucks.

Ext. Adams College campus. Professor Spellman comes out of a building. A student, piled high with books and obviously late for class crashes into her. The books end up all over the floor.

Zelda- Oh!

Miles- Oh!

He bends down to pick them up but is distracted by a pair of rather shapely legs.

Miles- (Cont.) Wow! Nice... footwear!

Zelda- Thank you. I wasn’t sure if open toes were too bold for the academic environment.

She squats down to help him retrieve the books.

Miles- Oh no, I like open toes. Open toed shoes. I like shoes in general. I mean I don’t have a shoe fetish or anything. I also like socks... but not with sandals.

Zelda- (Standing) You sure have a lot of books Miles.

Miles- You know my name?

Zelda- You’re in my physics class.

Miles- Yes. Yes I am and may I say that I’m flattered and impressed that out of all those students you’ve remembered my name.

Zelda- You’re also Sabrina’s room-mate.

She pats him on the shoulder and goes on her way. Miles falls into step beside her.

Miles- Good point, I am her room-mate. I mean we don’t actually live in the same room, it’s strictly platonic.

Zelda- Yes, I’m familiar with the situation. I’ll see you in class Miles.

Miles- (Watching her go longingly) Right! That’s me, Miles.

In another part of the campus Sabrina and Roxie head to class together.

Roxie- So let me get this straight. The problem is you like a guy who likes you but you don’t wanna date him because the relationship has potential?

Sabrina- Exactly. Next thing you know, we’re boyfriend and girlfriend and I can kiss dating other guys goodbye.

Roxie- Please tell me this is not the worst problem you’ve ever had?

Sabrina- So not. The worst was when Harvey and Josh were fighting over me... but you probably don’t wanna hear about that.

Roxie- And yet, it’s already too late.

Int. College hallways. Sabrina and Roxie carry on their way. They pass two guys and one of them breaks off and comes over.

Pete- Hey Sabrina. Hey. Hi, I’m-I’m Pete, from your English Lit. class. I was wondering if you’d er if you’d like to um...

Roxie- (Interrupting) Grade your pick-up line? ‘D’ minus.

Sabrina- That wasn’t a pick-up line.

Pete- Oh actually it was. Do you er do ya wanna go to a movie Saturday night?

Sabrina- Oh well Pete, you know I... I’d love to go out with you but I’ve got plans.

Roxie- What plans? You told me you weren’t doing anything?

Sabrina- Well... I said that because I didn’t want you to feel bad because my plans didn’t include you.

Roxie- Oh really, when were you gonna tell me?

Pete- Hello? Hi, er I’m the one being rejected here.

Sabrina- Sorry, thanks for asking.

Pete makes a quick, grateful exit to go and lick his wounds.

Roxie- So what are you doing Saturday night?

Sabrina- Nothing. Wanna come along?

Roxie- Hold on a second. Although I’m flattered, didn’t you just say you wanted to date new people? What’s wrong with Pete?

Sabrina- I couldn’t date that guy, did you see what he was wearing?

Roxie- Two dimples and perfect teeth?

Sabrina- A white shirt. Who wears white after Labour day?

Roxie- You know, for a girl who wants to date different people, you sure are picky. The guy at the pizza place was too tall, the guy at the student union was too tanned.

Sabrina- I just don’t like that whole tall, dark, handsome thing. Besides, I don’t see you going out with a whole lot o’ guys.

Roxie- I don’t see a whole lot o’ guys asking me.

A tall, dark and handsome guy walks past them giving Roxie a good once over. He clearly likes what he sees.

Roxie- (To the guy) What’s your problem loser!

Sabrina- I can’t imagine why.

Int. Sabrina and Roxie’s room. Sabrina enters, throws her bag on the floor and flops down on her belly on her bed and almost flattens Salem who is snoozing under her covers.

Salem- Ah-chew!

She throws the cover back off him.

Salem- So much for my afternoon nap.

Sabrina- Salem, what are you doing in my bed? I told you never to sleep in my bed.

Salem- You say a lot of things sweetheart. What’s eatin’ ya?

Sabrina- I’m in crisis, I’m way to picky about guys. I wanna date but I just can’t get myself to say yes and the thought of putting myself out there again is scary.

Salem- Try a dating spell, it worked for me when I was a strapping young hunk. Believe it or not, when it comes to the fairer sex, I’m rather shy.

Sabrina- Is that why you had four different species slap you with a restraining order? I promised myself I wouldn’t use magic to solve every little problem.

Salem- Great! Then Saturday night we can rent ‘Steel Magnolias’ and you can give me a flea dip. Later.

He jumps down from the bed and out through the window.

Sabrina- (To herself) I need a dating spell and I need it fast.

She sits down in front of her laptop at her desk.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I’ve been meaning to use my new magic CD-ROM anyway.

She slides the disc into her laptop and boots it up.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, here we go. ‘D’s. Dakaries, dandruff, dates!

She hits enter and it’s raining dates all over her head and the room.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, wrong kind o’ dates. Here we go, Dating.

She hits enter again and man in a suit jumps out of her computer screen.

Roger- Oh hey, Sabrina Spellman, I’m Roger Lodge. Word has it that you want a date.

Sabrina- Wow, this eight-point-O version works really fast.

Roger- Having trouble finding guys who wanna go out with you?

Sabrina- No, I’ve got plenty of guys. I just can’t bring myself to say yes.

Roger- Please tell me that’s not your biggest problem?

Sabrina- Actually, people saying that is my biggest problem.

Roger- Okay, here’s your spell. ‘The guys who ask Sabrina out are tired of waiting, from now on Sabrina will say yes to dating’

He gestures at her.

Roger- (Cont.) Okay, you’re good to go.

Sabrina- Roger that... Roger.

Int. Physics class. Miles solves the equation PV=NRT on the board with V=TKJK=NR over P. While Zelda watches on a one to one.

Miles- ‘V’ is volume, ‘T’ is Calvin temperature and ‘K’ is the constant dependent on the number of holes and the pressure of the gas.

Zelda- (Impressed) My goodness, I was four hundred and six before I grasped that concept.

Miles- What?

Zelda- I said, out of four hundred and six students, you’re the only one who grasped that concept.

Miles- I love this stuff. I eat, sleep and breath thermo-dynamics. When the other kids were playing with Lego, I was building my first cyclotron.

Zelda- There’s nothing more exciting than your first particle-accelerator.

Miles- Oh yes there is, meeting someone whose eyes don’t glaze over when I talk.

Zelda- Been there. Miles, I’m considering having a private study group at the house, for my more advanced students. Would you be interested in something like that?

Miles- Very interested.

Zelda- I think we should keep it small.

Miles- I agree, intimate is better.

Zelda- What about you and me...

Miles- Perfect!

Zelda- ...and Adam and Jenny? Oh dear, my only free night is Saturday night.

Miles- Saturday’s my only free night too, another thing we have in common. I guess it was meant to be.

Zelda- Would you mind telling Adam and Jenny?

But Miles is miles away in daydream land under a flower strewn bower with a Justice of the Peace and Zelda in a flowing white wedding dress and veil.

Justice of the Peace- And do you, Miles, promise to love, honour and cherish Professor Spellman until alien forces take over the planet and harvest you for food?

Miles- (Taking Zelda’s hand) I do.

Zelda- You do?

Miles- (Snapping back to reality) I mean... I will... tell Adam and Jenny. They’re in my next wedding night... I mean... class.

He leaves Zelda shaking her head.

Int. Adams College hallways. Miles comes out of the physics class and stops by two students who are chatting in the hallway.

Miles- Hey Adam, hey Jenny.

Adam- Hey Miles, what’s happenin’?

Miles- Absolutely nothin’ that concerns you.

He walks on smiling to himself and passes by Sabrina and Roxie.

Miles- Hi ladies, gorgeous day.

Roxie- It’s raining you freak.

It’s still a gorgeous day to him as he leaves.

Roxie- (To Sabrina) What’s with alien boy? He’s way too happy.

Sabrina- Maybe his Mr. Spock ears finally came in the mail.

A guy runs past them

Joe- Heads up!

Sabrina turns in time to catch the football that was about to hit her on her head. Talk about your déjà-vu.

Joe- Nice catch.

Sabrina- Yeah, I’m here on a football scholarship.

Joe- Then I look forward to the next huddle. In the meantime um would you like to go out Saturday night?

Roxie- (To Sabrina) What do you have? Some sort of a magical spell?

Sabrina- (Laughing) Yeah right, good one. (To guy) Er look, I’m flattered but at this point in my life, I just have to say... (There’s a tingle of magic) yes!

Joe- Excellent. Um do you like sushi?

Sabrina- I love sushi!

Roxie- (Aside) You hate sushi.

Sabrina- Pick me up at nine?

Joe- Sure.

Smiling he takes his football and leaves.

Roxie- Well you’ve done a one-eighty. You actually decided to say yes to a date.

Sabrina- I realised I had nothing to lose by seeing what’s out there and making an informed, intelligent choice.

Sabrina spots someone coming down the hallway and the magic tingles again. She dashes over, intercepting him.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh! Yo-yo Pete! Look, I’m available for Saturday night if you still wanna go out?

Pete- But I thought you had big plans to do nothing?

Sabrina- Oh that’s just an expression. Pick me up at Seven?

Pete- Yeah great, see you Saturday.

He leaves.

Roxie- You told Joe to pick you up at nine!

Sabrina- Oh good point. (Calling after Pete) Make it six! (To Roxie) And that way I can still fit in... Hey you!

She runs after a tall blonde lad further down the hallway.

Int. Hilda’s coffee house. Hilda’s watching the customers with an eagle eye and has a bone to pick with one of them.

Hilda- Excuse me, you have been here for three hours. You have paid for one cup of coffee and had six glasses of free water.

She takes the glass off him.

Customer #2- Which reminds me, where’s the bathroom?

Hilda- At your house! And take some of these other free-loaders with you.

He gets up to leave along with the two other free-loaders leaving the coffee house empty.

Hilda- (Calling after) And from now on, water’s a buck a glass!

She walks over to Josh at the counter.

Hilda- You know what Josh? I think I’m getting ripped-off. The old owner said he had a lot of business.

Josh- The old owner did.

Hilda- At this rate I’ll be chapter eleven by the end of the week.

Josh- If you’re lucky. Half the customers have already switched to the French Roast Cafe.

Hilda- I never liked the French. Look, we’re not dead yet, we just have to figure out angle to win the customers back. What was the angle when the place first opened?

Josh- Er... the owner was nice.

Hilda- We’re dead. There has to be another way... I know! We’ll have a marketing blitz. We’ll give away key-chains, coasters! Fly-swatters! Not the good ones.

Josh- (Interrupting) Hilda, why don’t you just dress up some poor schmo like a giant cappuccino and parade him up and down the street?

Ext. Water Street. Later. A poor schmo parades up and down the street dressed as a giant cappuccino advertising Hilda’s coffee house. Hilda watches the passers by pass by. The coffee cup guy looks at Hilda with a disbelieving expression.

Hilda- What? It was your idea.

Josh shakes his head. That and his legs are the only things sticking out of the cappuccino costume.

Ext. College house front porch. Sabrina arrives home from a date.

Sabrina- This was fun, Paul.

Pete- Yeah, it’s Pete.

Sabrina- Are you sure?

She takes a note-book from her purse and checks it.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh yep, six p.m, Pete, you’re right.

Pete- Are you dating a Paul too?

Sabrina- Um two Paul’s and a John Paul but not the one you’re thinking of, but if his eminence does call, I am free Thursday night. Gotta go.

She enters the house.

Int. College house. Sabrina enters. Roxie has been entertaining Sabrina’s next date.

Sabrina- Oh hi Dave.

Bob- It’s Bob.

Sabrina- Right, Bob, the phsych major.

Bob- Actually I’m a statistics major.

Roxie- (Aside to Sabrina) With a minor in boredom.

Sabrina- Okay, well give me sixty point two five seconds, I just gotta grab a sweater.

Bob- No problem, it’ll give Roxie and me a chance to finish our discussion of census taking procedures in post war Denmark.

Roxie- I’d love to but... nobody should have to pick out a sweater alone.

She dashes after Sabrina into their room.

Int. Roxie and Sabrina’s room. Sabrina’s grabbing a coat when Roxie follows her in.

Roxie- What do you think you’re doing?

Sabrina- Combining fashion and function. This works much better than the sweater.

Roxie- Two days ago you didn’t wanna go near a guy, now you’re going on twelve dates a night and I’ve become your social secretary? By the way, Tad called. He’s running a tad late. Another one.

Sabrina- I don’t get it, first you criticise me for being picky, then you criticise me for going out? I think you just like to criticise.

Roxie- Sabrina, when you go out with each guy for only ten minutes, how do you even know who they are?

Sabrina- Who cares? The point is I’m dating. Just like you said I should.

Roxie- Fine! Do what you want but I’m not taking anymore messages.

The phone rings. Roxie answers it.

Roxie- (On phone) Hello? No, she’s not here.

She switches off the phone.

Sabrina- Who was that?

Roxie- My mother.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda is smoothing her hose, showing a nice line in leg when Miles lets himself in. He likes what he sees. He feels just like Dustin Hoffman.

Miles- Mrs. Spellmanson.

Zelda is startled.

Miles- (Cont.) I mean Miss Spellman.

Zelda- Oh Miles, you scared me.

Miles- Sorry, I have that affect on a lot of people.

Zelda- You’re the first one here. As soon as Adam and Jenny arrive, we can begin.

Miles- Oh Jenny and Adam called and said they’d be a little late. I guess not everyone’s as dedicated to science as we are.

Zelda- Oh, well I suppose we could begin without them. I guess you’ll have the leg-up.

He wishes, very much.

Zelda- (Cont.) Let’s discuss the concept of gravity.

Miles- Ah, the irresistible force that draws two bodies together. I love gravity. Is there a Mr. Spellman?

Zelda- You mean daddy? Oh you mean... No there isn’t. But let’s just stick to the subject at hand.

Miles- You do have beautiful hands, and look! We both have slender pinkies.

Zelda- So we do. Anyway...

Miles- (Interrupting) May I call you Zelda?

Zelda- No!

Ext. Water street. Hilda’s promotion is not going well.

Josh- I feel like a complete dork!

Hilda- Well of course you feel like a dork, you’re a cappuccino without any foam.

She pulls out a white fluffy hat that looks like foam and sticks it on his head making him look as well as feel like a dork.

Hilda- (Cont.) Now hit it!

The cappuccino cup starts dancing up and down the street.

Josh- (Singing) Come to Hilda’s coffee house,
she roasts the finest beans.
Come to Hilda’s coffee house,
she’s no longer mean...

People walk past giving him funny looks before hurrying on their way.

Josh- (Singing) Come to Hilda’s coffee house,
she’s super-dooper nice... Hilda! This is ridiculous. You’re song is so stupid!

Hilda- You are one bitter cup of coffee. (To passers by) Hey, were are you going? He hasn’t even done the thing with the spoon yet.

Josh- They’re all going to the French Roast Cafe.

Hilda- Oh come on people, gimme a break. No ones ruder than the French! Of course my father.

She notices one or two people have stopped and are laughing.

Hilda- (Cont.) He’s so rude, he makes the French look like the Swiss.

More people begin to gather.

Hilda- (Cont.) Oh and speaking of the Swiss, what’s the deal with the cheese? If those are air-holes, what’s living in there?

The growing crowd laugh.

Hilda- (Cont.) Am I right? And what’s with the Swiss army? How can they defend an entire nation with those teeny little red knives?

More laughter.

Hilda- (Cont.) I got a million of them but I left them in there. At Hilda’s, where every latte comes with a laugh and free water... well just the first glass. Come and join me wont you?

The people stream into the coffee house.

Ext. College house front porch. Sabrina arrives home from another date.

Sabrina- Well this was fun, I’ve never been to a bowling alley that served sushi before.

Joe- I’m up scoring and the yellow tail’s always fresh.

Sabrina- This has been one of the best bowling and fish dates I’ve ever been on.

Joe- Look Sabrina, I really like you.

Sabrina- And I really like bowling and fish, so this date worked out perfectly.

Joe- No, I mean this is like one of the best first dates I’ve ever had and um I’m really looking forward to a second?

Sabrina- Oh well it’s gonna be awhile. See, I’m still on my cycle of first dates. (On his look) well it’s only fair that I date everybody once before I start on round two.

Joe- Everybody? Round two? What is this, the Sabrina open?

Sabrina- Exactly, I’m open to dating anyone who asks. Oh by the way, tell your room-mate, racket-ball and Mongolian barbeque sounds perfect. Thanks for a great evening Jim.

Joe- It’s Joe.

Sabrina- I’ve gotta get name-tags.

She enters the house.

Int. College house. Sabrina enters as a cat on four wheels rolls across the polished wood floor towards her. It’s Salem on a skateboard.

Salem- Hey Spellman, d’ya wanna watch me drop in on a half-pipe?

Sabrina- No, but I do wanna thank you for introducing me to that dating spell that’s working out great.

She tosses her coat over the back of a chair and drops her purse in the process. She bends down to retrieve it and when she rises, there’s something subtly different about her.

Salem- Yeah well before you step out with Manny, Mo and Jack, you might wanna stop by ‘Pet-Boys’ for an alignment.

Sabrina- What are you talking about?

She grabs the tray from the counter and looks at her reflection in it’s surface. Her head is a little off centre. In fact it’s right above her left shoulder and her neck has an horrible looking twist to it.

Sabrina- (Cont.) What’s wrong with me?!

Salem- Big picture, you’re obsessive-compulsive but the immediate problem requires a seasoned chiropractor.

Sabrina pushes her head back to the middle of her shoulders and holds it there.

Sabrina- It must be that stupid dating spell... or maybe I’ve got to start bowling with a lighter ball. I’ve gotta get this spell off right away.

She goes over to the table and her laptop. She taps at the keyboard one handed.

Sabrina- Roger, are you there?

His image comes up on the screen.

Roger- I’m on it Sabrina. ’Poor Sabrina’s not looking well, so quickly remove this dating spell’

He gestures from the screen, removing the spell but doing nothing for Sabrina’s equilibrium. When she lets go of her head it slides to the left once more.

Sabrina- Nothing’s happened! What am I going to do?

Salem- Do what you always do. Go crying to your aunties to bail you out, boo-hoo-hoo! Help me aunties! Ha-ha-ha!

It’s not so wise to antagonise a witch with a bad head. She doesn’t even bother to glare at him as she flick her finger over her shoulder. Salem’s skateboard accelerates like a drag racer and he zips out through the front door. There’s a crash from outside and the door slams shut.

Sabrina- (To herself) I’m an independent woman, I don’t need my aunts for help.

She switches hands to hold her head in place then uses her upper left arm to keep it in place while freeing up both hands... As long as she keeps her head awkwardly against her arm. She starts to type on the laptop.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Yeah, this is easy. All right, (Typing) Head misalignment. (Reading) ‘Go to aunts for help’ Boo-hoo-hoo!

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda has finally twigged to the fact that Miles has a huge crush on her. She sits him down on the settee.

Zelda- Miles, you and I are not involved, nor will we ever be involved, capich?

Miles- I love it when you speak Italian. Admit it my Mamazelda, you feel an urge for little Milo too.

Zelda- (Pushing him away) Unless you’re talking about the urge to toss you out on your canolli, I feel nothing of the kind.

Sabrina enters, still holding her head in place. She doesn’t see Miles sprawled back on the settee from Zelda push.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda! Aunt Zelda! Look!

She drops her hand letting her head slide to the side.

Miles- Sabrina?!

Sabrina- (Pushing it back) Whoops! I’ll just be in the kitchen trying to straighten myself out.

She leaves.

Miles- Did I just see Sabrina’s head sliding off her body?

Zelda- (Pushing him towards the door) You poor dear, those over zealous hormones are causing you to hallucinate.

Miles- Is that, in any way, attractive to you?

Zelda- No.

She finishes the job of getting Miles out of the house.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina using the wall to keep her head in place when Zelda comes in. She takes over the job of holding Sabrina’s head.

Zelda- Good lord Sabrina, what’s going on?

Sabrina- I have no idea. Salem convinced me to put a dating spell on myself and it was going great until my neck turned into a slinky! I removed the spell but it just keeps getting worse.

Zelda- Here, hold this.

Sabrina grabs her head, freeing Zelda to do the pointing. She magic’s up a scarf and ties it around Sabrina’s neck to hold it in place.

Zelda- (Cont.) Sabrina, when a witch is misaligned, it’s rarely caused by a problematic spell. It usually signals a deeper problem that was there before the spell was incanted.

Sabrina- Great, why couldn’t I take after the mortal side? Their worst ailment is an occasional hive.

Zelda- There, that ought to hold you until we figure out what’s wrong.

Sabrina- A nice look for winter but not great with a bikini.

Zelda- Sabrina, why did you need a dating spell? You’ve never had trouble getting dates before?

Sabrina- The spell wasn’t to help me get dates, it was to make me more comfortable accepting them.

Zelda- Well what do you think made you uncomfortable in the first place?

Sabrina- I have no idea.

Zelda- Well there’s only one way to find out. We’ve got to get to the heart of the matter.

Sabrina- Oh-no! You’re not going to open me up like you did last Valentine’s day are you?

Zelda- No need to, today’s technology is more sophisticated.

She points, creating an x-ray screen in front of Sabrina. She’s about to activate it when...

Zelda- (Cont.) Ooop! I almost forgot.

She points at herself to get herself a lead lined apron as an image of Sabrina’s ribs, spine and hip-bone appears on the screen. It also shows her beating heart.

Sabrina- Hey look! There’s that nickel I swallowed when I was six.

Zelda- Heart-speak!

Heart- It’s not that I don’t want to date again someday.

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Well why are you taking your time? You’ve been moping around all summer.

Zelda- Let the heart finish.

Heart- Thank you. I haven’t been moping, I’ve been healing.

Sabrina- Well the best way to heal is to get back on the horse.

Heart- Don’t play head games with me. I’m not ready to get back on the horse, I’m still recovering from the last ride.

Zelda- Sabrina, it’s obvious what’s going on here. Your head and your heart are conflicted.

Sabrina- She did it!

Heart- It's not my fault!

Zelda- That dating spell caused your head to block out what your heart was feeling and that’s why you became misaligned.

Heart- Are you finally ready to consider my feelings?

Sabrina- Yeah-yeah-yeah. You hearts, always with the feelings.

Heart- Well I can’t go out just for the sake of going out. I’ve gotta feel something.

Sabrina- Well how will I know when you do?

Heart- I’ll give ya a little thump.

Zelda points away the x-ray machine and her apron.

Zelda- Well let’s see if that little talk did the trick.

She removes the scarf and Sabrina’s head stays stubbornly centred on her shoulders.

Sabrina- I can’t believe it! Aunt Zelda, I’m realigned!

Zelda- Course you are, you’re no longer blocking out the feelings in your heart.

Sabrina- I’m glad... but do you have anything to block out the stomach? I think that yellow tails starting to swim up-stream.

Ext. College house porch. Sabrina arrives back to find someone sat on the porch-swing.

Sabrina- Hey Josh. Man, am I glad to see you. I’ve had the craziest day.

She sits beside him on the swing.

Josh- It couldn’t have been crazier than mine. Your aunt dressed me up like a giant cappuccino.

Sabrina- That’s nothing, you should see the time she dressed me up like a giant pinea-calada. It took me a week to get the coconut out of my hair.

Josh- I’m surprised to find you home so early. I thought you’d be out dating around.

Sabrina- Ah dating around is highly over rated. All that ‘What d’you wanna do?’ ‘I don’t know what d’you wanna do?’ stuff.

Josh- Yeah. Yeah it’s so great when you meet someone you connect with and you don’t have to go on a bunch of pointless dates.

Sabrina- I think I’m beginning to agree with you.

She feels as sudden jolt in her chest.

Sabrina- (Clutching her chest) Whoa!

Josh- What’s wrong?

Sabrina- Nothing.

She looks at Josh in a completely different way just as the door opens and Morgan comes out.

Morgan- I’m ready to go Josh.

Sabrina- Oh, you and Morgan are...

Another jolt. She clutches her chest again.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Aw!

Josh- Are you sure you’re okay? Maybe I should call a doctor?

Morgan- But we’ll be late for the movie.

Sabrina- Yeah, I’ll be fine. I should probably just cut back on the fries.

Morgan- You do that. (To Josh) I erm I guess we should get going.

Josh- Yeah. By the way, you look beautiful. It’s a great necklace.

Sabrina- Thank you, it’s mine!

Morgan- I-I hope you don’t mind me borrowing?

Sabrina- Huh, it looks like I have no choice.

Josh- (To Sabrina) So er I guess we’ll catch up some other time?

Sabrina- Great.

Josh & Morgan- (Together) Bye.

They leave arm in arm. Sabrina stands watching them go with a forced smile on her lips.

Sabrina- (To her heart) You know, you have really stinky timing.

Int. Hilda’s coffee house. The place is packed with laughing, coffee drinking, money paying customers. Hilda stands on a low, raised section of floor with a microphone.

Hilda- Oi! Er two blondes walk into a building. You’d think one of them would have seen it. I’m killing. No, I did want to apologies for being rude earlier. I guess I just had a case of new-job jitters. Have you ever been on a job interview and they’re like ‘Well what was the reason for leaving your last job?’ Well I found that after I was fired, there was a lot of tension in the office. I found it difficult sitting on the new girls lap.

Customer #3- I once had a job as a receptionist. I was so nervous, I kept answering the phone ‘Hello, can you help me?’

Hilda- Oh I like that. Hey, why don’t you come up here so we can laugh at you some more? No, in fact, why don’t we turn this into an open mic night? If you’ve got a joke or a song? (Under her breath) Anything that’ll pack ‘em in here and get me that B-mer.

Run Credits.



Pic of the Week