Sabrina, The Muse

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Sabrina takes a break from work and sits with Kevin. She tries to shut out the sound of the entertainment, as do most of the other customers. The chequered shirt and dungaree wearing banjo player sing off key to his out of tune instrument. It’s painful

Banjo Player- (Singing) Where do you come from? Where do you go?
Where do you come from Cotton Eyed Jooo-oooe?

Kevin- (To Sabrina) Have I told you lately how much I like you?

Sabrina- No, but, y’know, sitting through Hee-haw Henry just to hang out with me at work pretty much says it all.

Banjo Player- (Singing) ... Cotton Eyed Joooooo-oo-oooe?

Roxie comes over to Sabrina’s table sporting one of Hilda’s stylish and fashionably green aprons.

Roxie- Just my luck, the one week I fill in and your aunt hires the guy from Deliverance.

Hilda- I don’t understand, his resumee said he has two Grammy’s?

Roxie- But what it didn’t say was that they were married to his two Grampapy’s

Banjo Player- (Singing) ...Where do you come from Cotton Eyed Jo-o-o-o-oe?

Hilda looks around at her departing clientele.

Hilda- What are we gonna do? He’s driving customers out.

Sabrina- Well at least they can escape. Think about the poor banjo being held hostage.

Roxie- We’re the ones being held hostage.

She walks back to the counter.

Hilda- The girls got a point. Luckily, so do I.

She points at the banjo player and there’s a twang. He looks in dismay at the broken banjo string as Hilda moves in and pushes him aside.

Hilda- (Into Microphone) Sorry folks, it looks like trudging out into this horrible rain has caused Jethro to come down with laryngitis.

Sabrina- Hey Kevin, why don’t you get up there and sing?

Kevin- Me? No, I-I don’t have anything rehearsed.

Sabrina- Well you didn’t rehearse for that party Thursday night and you rocked.

Hilda- (Pushing Jethro towards the door) No-no-no, you need to get home and rest that voice. (Once he’s gone) Better yet, lay that voice to rest.

Sabrina- Hey aunt Hilda, Kevin wants to sing.

Hilda- Oh fantastic. (To Kevin) Go right on.

Kevin- I would but I don’t have my guitar.

Sabrina- You’re in luck, Look.

She points into the corner behind Kevin and by the time he turns round to look a six string acoustic is leaning in the corner.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Somebody left their guitar.

Kevin- (Out of excuses) Oh.

Sabrina hands him the instrument and walks up to the mic.

Sabrina- (Into Microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for an incredibly gifted young performer, Kevin.

He gets up and replaces her on the small stage to a smattering of applause. Sabrina stands beside Hilda smiling proudly.

Hilda- So, are you serious about him?

Sabrina- Oh that all depends.

Hilda- On what?

Sabrina- On how serious he is about me.

Kevin- (Into Microphone) Er this is a little song I’ve been working on and erm it goes something like this.
(Strumming and singing) I used to be happy just playing rock and roll.
Chicks were alright to unwrap my soul.
But if it’s meant to be, I guess it’s meant to be-ee.
You can imagine what, what Sabrina means to me.

Hilda- (Aside to Sabrina) Does that answer your question?

Sabrina- (Smiling brightly) I think so.

Run opening credits.

Ext. College house. Sabrina and Kevin enjoy a good night snog on the porch. They eventually and reluctantly pull apart.

Kevin- Sabrina, you’re incredible, I feel such a deep connection with you. It’s hard to put in words.

Sabrina- Well you did a pretty good job in your song tonight. It was amazing.

Kevin- Yeah well I can think of something that’s even more amazing.

He leans down to resume the interrupted kiss.

Sabrina- Okay, but this is positively, definitely the last one.

She stretches up on her toes and kisses him. Then breaking away with a smile and a squeal, dashes inside.

Int. College House. Sabrina dashes in with a bright, happy smile as Roxie and Morgan quickly jump down from the kitchen window from where they had been watching the two lovebirds and pretend innocence. Sabrina not fooled in the slightest.

Sabrina- Oh you guys were spying on me weren’t you?

Roxie- I hate to break it to you Spellman, but your life isn’t that interesting.

Morgan- Yeah, Roxie’s right. I mean just because Kevin thinks you’re incredibly doesn’t mean that we do.

Roxie- (To Morgan) If only you could lie as well as you accessorise.

Sabrina- Are you guys taking notes? And why are you so worked up about this?

Morgan- Well for one thing, a guy never wrote a song about me.

Roxie- A guy wrote a song about me once... but he used all four letter words.

Sabrina- Look, I like Kevin a lot but I don’t wanna get too excited. There’s nothing worse than getting your hopes built up just to have them come crashing down around you.

Morgan- Oh I am with you. I don’t know how many times I was in the perfect relationship. Then, out of the blue, the guy dumped me because he found out I was dating his room-mate. A girl has to protect herself.

Roxie- You’d better hope those looks never fade.

Sabrina- I guess what I’m saying is I just wanna take it slow.

Roxie- Sounds like a plan to me. So when are you gonna see him next?

Sabrina- Every night this week.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda gets home from the coffee house full of the joys of having finished work for the day. She sees Zelda sitting in the living room.

Hilda- Sabrina and Kevin make such an adorable couple, I’ve never seen her this happy.

She slips off her coat and comes over

Hilda- (Cont.) Our little niece may be walking down the isle before we do.

Zelda- (Sob!)

Hilda stops suddenly realising that Zelda is crying her heart out.

Hilda- Oh it is sad isn’t it? What if she has kids before we do?

Zelda- (Sob!) Larry Linterman died. <Sniff!>

Hilda- But Larry was in the prime of his life?! We were just at his four hundredth birthday party!

Salem trots down the stairs.

Salem- (Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob!) I just- I just heard the news about Larry. Why? Why?

Zelda- I didn’t know you were so close?

Salem- Why didn’t he make out a will? I sucked up to that dunderhead for twenty years and for what? So the Other Realm government could come in and pocket what’s rightfully mine.

Zelda- You know Hilda, Salem makes a good point.

Hilda- Sucking up to people is a waste?

Zelda- No, the two of us should have a will.

Hilda- We’ve got plenty of time for that, we’re young!

Salem- Compared to what? The Dead Seas scrolls?

He gets a glare from Hilda.

Zelda- All I’m saying Hilda is, you never know. Look at Larry.

Hilda- Well that was different. Larry was...

Zelda- (Interrupting) In great shape.

Hilda- Yes but he didn’t...

Zelda- (Interrupting) Smoke, drink or eat fatty foods.

Hilda- Did he exercise?

Zelda- Seven days a week.

Hilda- Well there you go. We don’t exercise, so we don’t have to worry.

Zelda- Hilda, I know we’re all hoping to live long lives but eventually we will...

Hilda Ooo!

She quickly sticks her fingers in her ears so she wont hear the ‘D’ word.

Hilda- (Cont.) No! Don’t go there!

She gets up with her fingers jammed down her ears up to the knuckle and starts making an Indian war cry.

Zelda- Look I know it’s not a pleasant topic but.. (Pulling one of Hilda’s fingers away) ...we need to make sure our loved ones are adequately... (The finger goes back in) ...taken care of after we...

Salem- (Interrupting) Keel over, buy the farm, take a dirt-nap, kick the...

Zelda- (Interrupting back) Salem!

Int. College house. Kevin plays guitar and sings his new song for Sabrina who’s sat in front of her lap-top.

Kevin- (Singing) ...Then I realised I’d found my rainbow in her eyes.

Sabrina- Wow, that was fantastic.

Kevin- I’m glad you liked it.

Sabrina- I can’t believe you wrote a whole song and I’m still struggling over line one of my newspaper article.

Kevin- Well it’s pretty easy to write when you have someone beautiful to inspire you.

He takes Sabrina’s hand and draws her to her feet.

Kevin- (Cont.) Sabrina, you’re my muse.

He leans down and kisses her tenderly.

Sabrina- Wow! I’ve never been anyone’s muse before. Is there like a special outfit I have to wear or something?

Kevin- (Laughing) You know it’s funny, before I met you it’s like I would go on these dry spells, I couldn’t write a word and now it’s like the music just floats into my head.

Sabrina- Oh well you’re not the only one floating.

The doorbell rings. Sabrina answers.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Aunt Hilda? Aunt Zelda? What are you doing here?

Zelda- We’ve come to discus our impending death.

Sabrina- Oh my God! Are you guys sick?

Zelda- No.

Hilda- But we could be. We could drop at any minute.

Zelda- (Sigh) You must be Kevin.

She shakes hands.

Zelda- (Cont.) I’m Sabrina’s aunt Zelda. You’ll have to forgive my sister, she gets a little nervous when it comes to discussing... (Mouths the word) Death.

Hilda- Why are you whispering? Do you know something I don’t know? I have scurvy don’t I? Somebody quick, toss me an orange!

Zelda- Hilda calm down, you’re fine. (To Sabrina) We’re both fine. We just feel it’s time to get our affairs in order.

Sabrina- Well I don’t wanna think about anything bad happening to you guys.

Zelda- Of course not dear but we all have to think about the inevitable.

Kevin- Look, I think I should leave you guys alone. (To Sabrina) I’ll call ya later.

He kisses her and leaves. Hilda and Zelda make ‘Oooh’ faces at each other.

Zelda- Well he seems like a very nice man.

Hilda- Yes, I’m sure he’ll be very comforting when Zelda and I meet our maker in a rare New England earthquake.

Zelda- Oh Hilda, that’s enough.

They all sit down on the settee.

Zelda- (Cont.) Dear, as I was saying. Certain provisions must be made in case Hilda or I (Mouthing the word) Die.

Hilda- Again with the whispering!

Zelda- I would prefer to be cremated and I would like my ashes spread across Orions belt... or there abouts.

Hilda- And I wanna stay on the ventilator as long as possible. I’m serious, if you pull the plug, I’ll know.

Sabrina- That’s so morbid. Y’know before you guys showed up I was in the best mood of my life. Kevin told me I’m his muse.

Zelda- Oh that’s great honey. Now your aunt Hilda would prefer a more traditional burial, which means you’re going to need a good embalmer.

Hilda- So, and when the deadly tsetse fly comes to claim us here’s a treasure map of where I buried our money in the back yard.

She hands her niece a crumpled up old piece of paper.

Hilda- (Cont.) It’s in gold doubloons.

Zelda- (Taking the map) Hilda, I thought I told you to make a copy first?

Hilda- Fine.

She points and out of the cloud of smoke appears a Xerox machine.

Hilda- (Cont.) It’ll be ready tomorrow, after four.

Int. Adams College hallway. Sabrina, Roxie and Morgan walk together between classes.

Morgan- Kevin called you his muse? That is like the highest compliment that a guy can give you.

Roxie- Call me crazy but I prefer ‘Intellectual peer’

Morgan- I’ve never heard that one before.

Sabrina and Roxie glance at each other smiling.

Morgan- (Cont.) Sabrina, being someone’s muse is such an honour.

Sabrina- Yeah, you’re right. I mean I could be the next like... Layla or Mandy.

Roxie- Or Bad Bad Leroy Brown. Personally I’d hate being someone’s muse, I’d always feel obligated to say interesting stuff.

Morgan- Oh I don’t think you need to worry.

She smiles and walks off. Roxie’s looks angrily after her and follows just as Kevin comes out of a classroom and joins Sabrina.

Kevin- Hey Sabrina.

Sabrina- Hey.

They kiss.

Kevin- So what’s going on with my muse today?

Sabrina- Oh er y’know, bunch of interesting stuff. Um... I woke up... I-I got out o’ bed.

Kevin- Dragged a comb across your head?

Sabrina- No, but I showered and I shaved my legs and then I tried to find some matching socks. Do you wanna write these lyrics down?

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda enters from the kitchen and calls up the stairs.

Zelda- Hilda, come on! We’ve only got fifteen minutes to get to the estate planner and it’s raining like mad. Hilda! Hilda?

She goes upstairs. Once she’s gone Hilda sneaks out of the closet where she was hiding, tip-toes over to the front door and, based on Zelda’s comment, takes an umbrella from the coat rack. The brolly catches on the rack making a noise and Zelda spins round on the middle landing, catching her.

Zelda- Where do you think you’re going?

The umbrella pops open.

Hilda- (Surprised) Oh! Would you believe I have a date with Gene Kelly? (On Zelda’s look) I didn’t think so.

She opens the front door to make her escape but Zelda uses a flick of her finger to slam it shut again.

Hilda- (Cont.) Look! I’m sorry, I thought I could go through with this, but I can’t. I really can’t!

Zelda- Hilda, get a grip! We’re only making out these wills as a precautionary measure. You can’t live your life in fear.

Hilda- It’s been working for me so far. Aren’t you afraid? Don’t you wonder what’s next? Is this the last chance we get, or is there a here-after?

Zelda- There’s only one way to find out.

Ext. Night time on the banks or the river Styx. Spooky mists float amongst the trees along the banking. A black cowled figure with bone like features and fingers rises from the mist.

Charon- Last call for the Here-After!

He walks onto a wooden landing. Moored beside it is a boat full of elderly people. Hilda and Zelda stand beside it in the gloom.

Charon- (Cont.) All aboard for the river Styx!

Hilda- Okay we saw it. Let’s go.

She hurries away but Zelda catches her by the arm and pulls her back.

Zelda- Hilda! This is not the Here-After, this is just the boat ride over.

Hilda- Have fun, I’ll be in the Admirals Club throwing back some zombies.

Zelda stops her from running away again.

Zelda- Come on now, you said you wanted to know what it’s like and we’re gonna find out. Come on.

She guides Hilda into the boat.

Hilda- Okay. (To passengers) Hello. Hi.

There’s no response from the dead people.

Hilda- (Cont.)(Nervous laugh) Oh we are definitely going to be the life of this party.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Sabrina takes a coffee break from all that coffee and goes over to Kevin who’s sat on a settee with a notebook in hand.

Sabrina- Hey, how’s it goin’?

Kevin- Not so great, I’m having writers block. For some reason I just don’t feel inspired.

Sabrina- Well maybe I can inspire you with a hot vanilla latte?

Kevin- Oh no thanks. When I hit these dry spells caffeine just disrupts my concentration.

Sabrina- Oh and as your muse I should have known that. Um... So, oh guess what? I found my missing sock and it’s a really interesting story. You’ll never guess where it turned up. My closet of all places. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

While Sabrina laughs weakly at her own humour, two girls walk behind the settee talking.

Girl- ...I thought the rain was rejuvenating...

Kevin hears the snippet of conversation.

Kevin- Wow, that is awesome.

Sabrina- Yeah, matching socks are great.

Kevin- No-no-no, what that girl just said about the rain being rejuvenating. That’s perfect for a song.

He starts to write.

Sabrina- I guess but, y’know, I still like a good missing sock song myself.

Kevin- (Reading what he’s written) ‘Rejuvenating rain helps ease the pain.’

Sabrina- But what really rocks are my missing socks.

She stands up laughing and turns away.

Sabrina- (Cont.)(To herself) I am so bombing out as a muse!

Int. College house. Sabrina enters looking glum. Morgan dashes down the stairs with a notepad.

Morgan- Sabrina, I’m so glad you’re home. I need your advice on how to be a good muse?

Sabrina- Oh well if you figure it out, let me know.

Morgan- Josh said that I didn’t inspire any of his photographs, not even the ones of me! So come on! Share your secret?

Sabrina- I’d love to help you but I can’t. I seem to have lost my touch.

Morgan- Yeah right. I am on to you, you just don’t wanna give away your secret so you can be the only one in the house who inspires men! Well let me tell you something Missy, I have got a dress upstairs in my closet that is gonna blow you out o’ the water!

She storms off back up stairs.

Salem- Me-ow! I love a good cat-fight.

Sabrina turns round to find her cat nemesis sitting on the windowsill with various papers in front of him..

Salem- (Cont.) Sabrina, let’s talk estate planning. Here’s my proposal for dividing up our aunties assets.

Sabrina- Our aunties?

Salem- I get the car, the house, the time-share on Neptune and you, you lucky devil, get that, one-of-a-kind, spider clock.

Sabrina- Salem, I don’t wanna talk about this. I hope my aunts live forever and I don’t care what I get.

Salem- I already took the liberty of assuming that. Sign here sis.

Sabrina- Y’know Salem, I’ve got bigger problems than this okay. I’ve got to figure out how to be a good muse or Kevin’s gonna dump me for some girl who’s more naturally interesting than I am.

Salem- I can’t help you there. The only thing I ever inspired was mandatory spaying. Why don’t you ask a real muse?

Sabrina- Why didn’t I think o’ that? Hmm. Muses come quickly, I need to learn the art of inspiring before my room-mates return.

She points, activating her spell and four ladies materialise in a swirl of sparkles. They’re dressed in simple togas with beads tying up their hair.

Ext. The Here-After. The boat has arrived on the other side of the river and the dark and eirie night has given way to sunny day. Charon helps his passengers from the boat.

Charon- Please watch you step... or not, it doesn’t really matter now.

Hilda- Okay, I’m warning you. If you’re even one minute late picking us up...

Charon- (Interrupting) What? You’ll kill me? Too late. Ha-ha-ha.

They walk down the steps into the holiday retirement village that is the Here-After. People relax in wicker armchairs as Zelda and Hilda are met by Dora, the receptionist. Her peroxide perm is tastelessly counterpointed by her leopard print blouse and olive slacks. Her overly loud voice and manner make her ideally suited for her job.

Dora- Oh hi darlings! Welcome to Sunshine Lakes. Now be sure to sign in and take a ticket. This year we’re raffling off stretch-pants and a whole years supply of Peds.

Zelda- I’m Zelda and this is my sister Hilda.

Dora- (Having signed in) Oh yeah, you’re here on the day pass.

Hilda- Could you please not use the word ‘Pass’?

Zelda- I’m sorry, my sister gets a little uptight when it come to the subject of...

Dora- (Interrupting) Death?

Hilda- I’m out of here!

Zelda drags her back.

Dora- Well of course she’s uptight. When you’re on the other side people see death as an ending, but here, on Sunshine Lakes, it’s a whole new beginning. You’re gonna love it. (Hands over a brochure) Every night we have a picture show at the Jackie Gleason auditorium. A little tip, bring a cushion for your tushie.

Hilda- (Reading) Oh look! They’re showing the directors cut of Brewster Cogburn. I love the Duke.

Dora- Oh good ‘cause you’re sitting next to him at lunch.

Hilda mouth drops open with excited amazement.

Dora- (Cont.) Oh and the food is all you can eat twenty-four hours day and night. Oh and no matter how much you eat, you never gain weight.

Hilda- Hello heaven.

Zelda- And I’m sure you have fabulous classical music concerts?

Dora- No, but you’re gonna adore the Mini Pearl clubhouse where we have everything from square-dancing to bingo.

Hilda- I love bingo.

Dora- Who doesn’t?

Zelda- What’s to love? There’s no strategy, you just sit there mindlessly waiting for someone to call out a number. You must have some really intellectually stimulating lectures, what with Descartes and Socrates on the premises?

Dora- Actually Descartes and Socrates gave up lecturing for shuffle-board. They love just relaxing after all that serious thinking on the other side, and you should see their apartment. It’s gorgeous!

Zelda- Doesn’t anybody use their brains around here?

Dora- What for, we’re dead?

Hilda- (Delighted) Now this is what I call living.

Int. College house. The five muses site around the coffee table nibbling on bread sticks and sipping wine as the younger muse grills the older and more experienced muses on the art.

Calliope- ...So basically if you want to be a good muse, like I was to Beethoven, all you have to do is focus all your energy on the artist.

Euterpe- Sit with his, talk to him.

Sabrina- But what if I run out of interesting things to say?

Erato- Then you compensate for that by catering to his interests.

Clio- Praise him, build up his ego, anticipate his every need.

Sabrina- And you really think that’ll help inspire a guy to produce his greatest work?

Calliope- Ever hear of a little ditty called Beethoven’s Fifth?

Bom-bom-bom-booom!

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina answers the front door.

Kevin- Hi.

Sabrina- Hi.

Kevin- Wow, thanks for inviting me over.

He enters with his guitar.

Sabrina- Yeah well you said you needed a quiet place to work on your music and I figured my aunts were gonna be gone all night, so it’s the perfect place.

Kevin- You’re the best, d’ya know that? Always thinking about me.

Sabrina- Well that’s the muses job right? Alright, well you go ahead and play away and I’m just gonna be typing up my article for the school paper.

She sits at her lap-top and he shrugs off his coat.

Kevin- Okay. Oh I’m sorry Sabrina, could I bother you for a glass of water?

Sabrina- You know what? I’m the one that’s sorry, I mean as your muse I should have anticipated your needs. Water coming right up or, you know, I could make you an iced-tea?

Kevin- No, don’t go to any trouble.

She heads for the kitchen but only takes one step before.

Kevin- (Cont.) But, y’know, I wouldn’t turn down a half iced-tea, half lemonade with a twist of lime with just a splash of cranberry cooler. For some reason it just helps to get the creative juices flowin’ Ha-ha.

Sabrina- And what kind of a muse would I be if I couldn’t help you do that? Ha-ha.

Later, Kevin walks round the room plucking out a melody on the guitar as Sabrina types.

Sabrina- (Reading as she types) Therefore, it is my humble opinion that... Wait a minute. Is it my humble opinion or just my opinion? And am I being arrogant if I call myself humble?

Kevin- Hey Sabrina, which one of these intro’s do you like better? Listen to this.

He plays and bluesy riff to an Em chord.

Kevin- (Cont.) Or.

Next he plays a arpeggio into a G chord.

Sabrina- They’re both great.

Kevin- I think I’m going to go with the second one. Yeah.

He picks up a magazine and starts to read as Sabrina turns back to her own work.

Sabrina- (Typing and reading again) And therefore, it is with strong feeling that... Oh what was I trying to say?! Why is it such a struggle for me to write these articles? Y’know I wish writing came as easy to me as music does for you. Maybe I’m not cut out to be a journalism major? Maybe I should switch? Do you think I should switch?

Kevin- (Still engrossed in his magazine) Hmm?

Sabrina- Do you think I should switch my major?

Kevin- (Distracted by the magazine) Errr. I don’t know, is there anything you like more than the major you already have now?

Sabrina- Well I do like journalism.

Kevin- (Still reading the magazine) There ya go! Switch to that.

Sabrina- That is my major.

Kevin- Oh.

He closes the magazine realising he’s just made a grave error.

Kevin- (Cont.) Are you sure?

Sabrina- Yeah, I am. Kevin, who’s my favourite author?

Kevin- Errr... K. D. Sallenger?

Sabrina- It’s J. D. Sallenger and no he’s not my favourite author. It’s Jane Austin. I talked about it for an hour on the phone last night, didn’t you listen to anything I said?

Kevin- Yeah, of course I did. You told me how much you love my songs.

Sabrina- And anything about me you just tuned out?

Kevin- (Not meeting her eyes) Er no! How can you say that? Half the music I wrote was inspired by you.

Sabrina- That’s my point! You’re only interested in me if I’m helping you. Anything I say that’s not song material goes in one ear and out the other.

Kevin- That’s not true!

Sabrina- You know Kevin, I really don’t wanna be in a one way relationship and I really don’t wanna be anybody’s muse.

She heads for the door.

Kevin- S-Sabrina wait!

Sabrina- (Interrupting) No, I am so out of here.

Kevin- No! List.. I... D-D... But..

She’s gone. He looks around upset and confused and a few seconds later she’s back.

Sabrina- Wait a minute, this is my aunts house.

Kevin- Yeah.

She points at the door and he grabs his coat and leaves.

Sabrina- (Calling after) And I don’t wanna hear about this in any song.

She closes the door and now it’s her turn to look upset and confused.

Ext. The banks of the river Styx. The boat pulls into the landing a Hilda leaps out full of the joys of life. Zelda sits morosely in the boat systematically tearing the brochure into tiny little pieces.

Hilda- (To Charon) I did it! I stared death right in the face and I had the time of my life! I also beat Descartes at shuffle-board and I dirty-danced with Fred Mertz!

Charon- Whatever floats your boat.

Hilda- (To Zelda) And now, because of you, I realise that death is nothing to be afraid of. It’s just one big bash full of casinos, canasta and coogle!

She hugs Zelda tight and Zelda looks as dank and miserable as the dark, misty forest surrounding them.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Josh carries a tray of coffee to a customer passing Morgan on his way.

Morgan- Josh, I’ve been waiting here all morning. Hasn’t anything that I have said or done inspired you?

Josh- Yeah, you just inspired me to make the best latte of my entire coffee career.

Morgan- (Standing delighted) Everybody hear that? I am not just beautiful and smart, I’m a muse! Look at me. I am a muse!

Hilda enters.

Hilda- Hello people! What a glorious day. You can already smell Spring in the air.

Roxie- (Aside to Sabrina) Your aunt scares me when she’s this happy.

Hilda- Roxie, you did a fantastic job filling in this week. (Hands her an envelope) Here’s a bonus as a token of appreciation.

Roxie- (Checking the money) On the other hand, it’s kind of appealing.

She leaves happy and Sabrina follows her whistling aunt to the counter.

Sabrina- Well you’re sure in a good mood today.

Hilda- And why shouldn’t I be? I love life, I love death. Like you kids say, it’s all good.

Sabrina- Oh we’ve been saying that all morning.

Hilda- But why am I talking to you about death? You’re young, alive and in love.

Sabrina- Well you got the first part right. Turns out Kevin was a little too self absorbed.

Hilda- I’m sorry honey. Oh by the way, when I die and you stick me in the casket, make sure I’m wearing comfortable shoes.

She goes into the back of the shop as Kevin enters and comes over to Sabrina.

Kevin- Anybody know a place that makes a good vanilla latte?

Sabrina- Kevin?

Kevin- Sabrina look, I-I know you’re upset and you probably don’t wanna give me a second chance but...

Sabrina- But what?

Kevin- Well I read your article on college arts funding. It was terrific.

Sabrina- That’s nice but, y’know, reading one article isn’t gonna fix everything.

Kevin- Yeah well I read all your articles. Er-er Sororities, animal testing and they closed the library before I could finish the one on the gas leaf-blowers.

Sabrina- Oh I had the flu when I wrote that one.

Kevin- What I’m trying to say is... If you change your major, journalism will be losing one heck of a writer.

Sabrina- (Walking away) You’re not just saying that because you wanna get back together?

Kevin- (Chasing after) Look I know I really blew this relationship and-and if you don’t wanna give me a second chance I totally understand. It’s just... Well you really mean a lot to me and well...

He reaches into his coat pocket and hands her a rather dog-eared book.

Sabrina- (Reading) Wow! Pride and Prejudice? You bought this for me?

Kevin- No, I swiped it from the library. Ha-ha, I’m kidding.

Sabrina- Thanks. It means a lot to me that you remembered.

Kevin- Listen, do you wanna go someplace after your shift is over?

Sabrina- I’d like that.

Hilda- I bet you’d like it even better if you left now?

Sabrina- Well wouldn’t you be short handed?

Hilda- I’ll live... and if not, the alternatives not bad either.

Sabrina- Are you sure?

Hilda- Absolutely. Seize the day Sabrina, life’s short... (To Kevin) If your lucky.

Sabrina and Kevin seize the day and leave.

Ext. Spellman back yard. Salem’s doing a little midnight excavation. He digs up the lawn chuckling to himself. Hilda and Zelda come, unnoticed, to the door and watch.

Salem- Oh I can’t believe those dumb broads just left a treasure map lying around the kitchen. Ha-ha! I expect it from Hilda, but a quantum physicist? Na-ha-ha! There’s over five-hundred thousand dollar of gold buried in this turf!

His claw hits metal.

Salem- Oh lord have mercy, I’ve hit the mother lode! Thanks to the hags I’ll be able to blow this pop-stand one filthy rich cat.

He flips the catch on the chest and all Zelda’s restraining of the furious Hilda becomes explained. The booby-trap triggers spraying Salem in noxious smelling, indelible liquid and choking smoke.

Salem- Gne! (Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob!)

Zelda- (To Hilda) Well he was right about the filthy part.

Run credits.