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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Murder On The Halloween Express

Written By - Dan Berendsen
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Morgan/The Countess - Elisa Donovan
Josh/Kip Kodak - David Lascher
Miles/Professor Von Claptrap - Trevor Lissauer
Roxie/Hortense - Soleil Moon Frye
Harvey/Biff Buffington - Nate Richert
The Steward - Douglas Sills
Hobo - Martin Warner

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda’s doing a little cooking... In a number three cauldron, surrounded by elaborately carved and hollowed out pumpkin lanterns. Salem and Hilda watch on and Zelda asks Hilda to sample the results of her Halloween labours.

Zelda- Well, how did Halloween taffy turn out this year?

Hilda- Too gooey, too garlicky and way too much unicorn. You’re turning into mother.

Salem- Speaking of bipolar control freaks. Have you two given any thought to your Halloween plans? If not...

He slides out a leaflet with his paw. Zelda picks it up.

Zelda- Oh please. They send me this flyer every year. (To Hilda) It’s a Halloween mystery train that makes a special stop in Boston.

Hilda- (Taking the flyer) Hey, this actually looks like fun Zel. I think it would be a hoot to ride a train and solve a murder.

Zelda- No thanks. I’m looking forward to a nice quiet Halloween. Reading, watching a little television. You and your cat go. Have a nice time.

Zelda takes out the trash into the back yard..

Salem- Me and Hildalicious will be the talk of the snack car.

Hilda- On second thought, an evening of excruciating boredom is exactly what I need.

She grabs a double handful of Zelda Halloween Taffy

Hilda- (Cont.) These are awful

She heads for the living room via the dinning room therefore missing Sabrina coming the more direct route.

Sabrina- Salem, any thoughts on what I should go as for Halloween?

Salem- Off the top of my head... hmm, fashion victim?

Sabrina- Hu-hu-hu. The only thing lamer than that joke are my plans for Halloween. The only invitation I was able to wangle is for a dumb dance sponsored by the School of Dentistry. Yeah, lots of good candy there.

She picks up a piece of Zelda’s taffy and pops it in her mouth.

Salem- Hmm.

Sabrina- (Three chews later) Yuck! (Spits it back into the wrapper) Why does aunt Zelda always go so heavy on the unicorn?

She looks around for the trash can to throw away the part masticated sweet but of course Zelda’s taken it out. So she slips it into the pocket of her coat.

Salem- Well now. If you don’t want your Halloween to be lame, take a ride on the mystery train.

He points out the flyer and Sabrina picks it up.

Sabrina- (Reading) "For fabulous food and sophisticated fun, this mystery train is number one." Salem, this is perfect.

Salem- Pick me up at seven and I bags a window seat.

Sabrina- Sorry, but I really wanted to spend Halloween with my friends. You understand, don’t you?

Salem- Oh but I had my heart set on riding the rails.

Sabrina- Well, there’s no reason you cant so that.

She points and Salem vanishes, only to reappear at the top of the stairs hand-rail. He rides that rail all the way to the bottom.

Salem- Wheeee!

Run opening credits.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Josh, Miles, Morgan, who’s working, Harvey and Roxie are all ears as Sabrina lays the plan on them.

Sabrina- Once again, I am your Halloween saviour. Thanks to me, we are no longer stuck dancing with dental students.

Morgan- Oh, I wasn’t going anyway.

Roxie- Me neither.

Harvey- No way.

Miles- Not me.

Sabrina- Well I am offering you a ride on Halloween mystery train.

Roxie- Is that one of those totally pathetic who-dun-it’s?

Harvey- Where everyone has to play a stupid character?

Miles- And solve a fake, idiotic murder?

Morgan- That any moron could figure out?

Sabrina- (Enthusiastic) Exactly! Whoo-hoo! We’re goin’ on a mystery train.

The enthusiasm stops there as the rest of them turn back to their coffee and Morgan even finds work to be more interesting. Sabrina turns to the one place she knows she’ll get support.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh come on, Josh. Tell everybody why this is gonna be so great.

Josh- Okay, right after you tell me.

Sabrina- You mean, you don’t wanna go either?

Josh- Not really. Sabrina, I’ve never been that in to Halloween. To be honest, it’s always kinda bugged me that it’s such a big deal to you.

Sabrina- (Annoyed) Well it’s a big deal to me because I happen to be a wi... wittle upset because I had to pay for these tickets in advance.

Josh- Well I’m a wittle upset because I like to be asked ahead of time before someone makes plans for me.

Sabrina- I just thought this would be fun and I thought you guys would think so too. Especially you, Josh.

Josh- (Resigned) Fine, I guess a little train ride wont kill us.

Roxie, Harvey, Miles and Morgan- <Groan!>

Sabrina- Yes! That’s exactly the kind of enthusiasm I’m looking for.

Int. The Halloween Express. Parlour Car. The gang enter a dilapidated looking carriage with it’s floor littered with... litter. the stuffing hanging out of the threadbare seats and no heating as they all wrap their arms about themselves for warmth. They are the only ones present.

Roxie- Oh, good thing you paid in advance. We’ll be lucky to find a seat.

Sabrina- Well, I think we should feel lucky that we got our own private car.

Morgan- With a different stain on every seat,

Josh- It’s so cold in here, my beard is sprouting icicles.

Sabrina- That’s why I told everyone to wear coats and gloves.

She holds up her own snug and toasty, gloved fingers as everyone takes a seat. Sabrina sits beside Josh.

Sabrina- (Indicating the lack of windows) But the fresh air will do us good.

Miles- And commingle-mingle with the forty-seven known carcinogens in diesel smoke.

Sabrina- Okay, there is now an official moratorium on whining.

The steward enters the car and looks as run-down as the rest of the train in his shabby grey uniform, dishevelled hair and loose tie. He carries a pile of cardboard boxes.

The Steward- (Bored) Welcome aboard the Halloween mystery train. where murder is our business and our business is murder. They make me say that. So let’s get the festivities rolling with your complimentary cocktail and appetiser.

He strolls down the isle and tosses a box at each of them.

Harvey- Peanuts and a juice box?

Josh- Oh great! And I didn’t even get the freakin’ juice box!

He throws his box onto the floor with all the other litter.

Sabrina- You want a juice box, I’ll give you a juice box.

She opens her carton and takes her other gloved hand from her coat pocket. A Halloween taffy wrapper is stuck to her fingers

Sabrina- (Handing Josh her juice box) Here, take mine.

She notices the sticky wrapper.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh urgh! Sorry. A taffy emergency. Gotta go de-goo.

She gets up and heads for the washroom as the steward returns.

The Steward- So listen up mystery lovers. Here are the parts that you will be playing.

He tosses each of them a envelope..

The Steward- (Cont.) Please read them and, as we say at the Stella Adler academy, become them.

He leaves again.

Roxie- If I’m lucky, I get thrown from the train in the first act.

Morgan- Trade you.

Int. The ladies Restroom.. Sabrina is freshening up and hears the steward over the intercom call.

The Steward- (OS) All aboard! The Other Realm express now leaving the station.

Sabrina- The Other Realm express!? Oh-no! I’ve gotta get everybody off this thing before...

She pulls open the door to find things are not as they were. The carriage is now smartly turned out with it’s 1920’s feel as are the passengers. Harvey has slicked down hair and tennis togs, Morgan is in her flapper dress complete with ostrich feather head-dress and fan. She is talking to her maid, Roxie. Professor Miles sucks on his pipe and gazes through his monocle beneath his bowler hat. Josh has a flat-cap and smart suit and even the steward looks smart and efficient.

Sabrina- (Cont.) ...Something like this happens.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda, Hilda and Salem chill out in front of the TV enjoying their quiet Halloween at home.

Zelda- It’s been years since I’ve watched the giant pumpkin drop in the Other Realm Time Square.

Hilda- I can’t wait. Winos and tourists splattered with pumpkin guts. Have I mentioned how bored I am?

Salem- You wouldn’t be bored if you’d taken that murder mystery train like I told ya.

Hilda- Maybe I’ll morph myself into a college student and join Sabrina at that dental party. I could use a dentist after all that taffy.

Salem- The jokes on you. Sabrina had the perspicacity to heed my advice and take her friends on the aforementioned traino mysteryoso.

Both Hilda and Zelda leap to there feet and turn on Salem.

Zelda- Friends!? Salem, that’s an Other Realm train!

Salem- Oops.

Hilda- It looks like there’s gonna be a murder around here... but this one wont be a mystery.

Int. The Halloween Express. Parlour Car. Sabrina as the steward by his lapels and tries to make her point.

Sabrina- There’s been a big mistake! There are mortals aboard! You’ve gotta stop this train right away.

The Steward- Sorry miss. There’s only one way to stop this train.

Sabrina- What’s that?

The Steward- You, dear girl, have to solve the mystery.

Sabrina- Me!?

The Steward- (Handing over an envelope) You are the detective in this play. As you’ve already paid for the costume, you might as well look the part.

He points at her giving her a peroxide blonde bob under her trilby and mackintosh. Very Maltese Falcon. She looks down at herself.

Sabrina- Oow. London fog.

The Steward- Allow me to introduce you to your cast of characters. May I present the countess Admirer.

Morgan stands and smiles at Sabrina.

The Countess- Delighted. I find modern travel so exhilarating, don’t you?

The Steward- Her maid, Hortense.

He indicates Roxie.

Hortense- Charmed, I’m sure.

The Steward- Professor Augustine Von Claptrap.

Miles stands and removes his pipe.

Professor Von Claptrap- Bitte Frauline.

The Steward- And of course

Biff- (Interrupting) Biff Buffington, international tennis star.

Harvey strides forward.

Biff- (Cont.) A real pleasure. At least, I know it is for you.

He smiles and his teeth twinkle.

Sabrina- Where’s Josh?

The Steward- Oh, you mean world renowned photographer, Kip Kodak. Yes, well unfortunately, he’s been the victim of a...

Dramatic Dum-dum-dum!

The Steward- (Cont.) Murder.

He stands aside revealing Kip sprawled on the floor. Sabrina gives a scream as she dashes over to him.

The Steward- (Cont.) Ha-ha-ha-ha!

The Countess- Murder?

Professor Von Claptrap- Murder?

Biff- Murder?

Hortense- Great, something else for me to clean up.

Sabrina inspects the body.

Sabrina- Oh-no! He really is dead.

The Steward- And the game begins. All you have to do is figure out which one of our passengers killed Kip Kodak.

Sabrina looks at each of them and they all look guilty.

Sabrina- Well, I’m not very good at solving murders. I-I-I even stink at Clue.

The Steward- The first question you want to ask yourself is ‘What was the motive?’

Sabrina- I just wanted to give my friends a nice Halloween. (On his look) Oh, you mean the murders motive.

Once again she looks at her fellow passengers who all look away guiltily. The Steward rubs his temple as if to say ‘This’ll be a long, long night.’

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda paces nervously while Zelda remains remarkable calm.

Zelda- Would you please stop worrying, Sabrina is a smart girl. I’m sure she’ll have this mystery solved in no time.

Hilda- What are you talking about? Even I beat her a Clue.

Zelda- Well, why don’t we grab a crystal ball and go check up on her?

Hilda- Good idea. I’ve got one in my hope chest.

She reaches into her cleavage and comes out with a crystal ball.

Hilda- (Cont.)(On Zelda and Salem’s look) What? I use it for traffic reports.

Int. The Halloween Express. Sabrina has her note book out and is interviewing the suspects one at a time in a private car. First up is the countess.

Sabrina- Now countess, tell me what you know about the murder.

The Countess- Murder-murder-murder. Everyone is so preoccupied with murder. What you should be focused on is what happened to my ring.

She holds out her hand to show a ring without a stone.

The Countess- (Cont.) The hundred carat Star of Prabanus is missing.

Sabrina- A missing hunk of pure carbon - untimely death of my boyfriend. Whatever. Now, tell me your relationship to the diseased?

The Countess- (Filing her nails) I had none. I’ve never met the man in my life.

Sabrina- (Writing) Never met the man...

The Countess- (Interrupting) All right! You’ve dragged it out of me. We were in love! I was mad about the boy. Desperately, passionately, but he ended it. Horribly, cruelly and I vowed that some way, somehow, I would get my revenge!

She stabs the nail file into the wall of the carriage beside Sabrina.

The Countess- But then I got over it and we became friends. So you see, I really have no motive for killing him.

Sabrina- Nope, None whatsoever.

Later.

Sabrina- So you actually work for the countess?

Hortense- I know where you’re going with this. You think I’m the murderer, don’t you?

Sabrina- Do I?

Hortense- You think I killed him so that I could frame the countess. That way I’d be free of cruel, self-centred pain in my *?patu frau?*

Sabrina- So, you killed Kip Kodak to frame the countess.

Hortense- Do you think I’d tell you if I did?

Sabrina- Yeah... but then, I’m kinda new at this.

Later.

Professor Von Claptrap- Oh ya, I knew him. Ve veren’t, how you say, buds, but he vos a nice enough kinda guy. If you like zat kind of guy.

Sabrina- And what kind of guy is zat? I mean, that?

Professor Von Claptrap- Oh you know, zer kind who alvays gets zer girl; Zer kind women prefer over quirky and unique; Zer kind zat makes a guy like me blend into ze vallpaper!

As he talks he becomes angrier and eventually breaks his pipe.

Professor Von Claptrap- (Cont.) Schnitzel! I seem to have snapped my pipe! Anyvay, as I vos saying, I veally have no motive votsoever.

Later.

Biff- You’re probably quite intimidated talking to an international tennis star like myself.

Sabrina- Yeah, very. So, erm, tell me what you know about the murder?

He stands and pulls Sabrina into an embrace.

Biff- Let’s stop this charade! You want me, and to be perfectly honest, I’m okay with that.

Sabrina- Well I have a problem with guys who use the word ‘charade’ Especially ones that use it while my boyfriend is lying dead in the other room.

Biff- All right, I’ll come clean. I used to be in love with a woman; a wonderful, magical woman.

Sabrina can’t help smiling at the compliment.

Biff- (Cont.) And that scoundrel stole her from me!

Sabrina- That made you angry?

Biff- Furious! Why would she pick that second rate shutter-bug over Biff Buffington, international tennis star? As you can see, I’ve put it behind me.

Sabrina- Let me guess, you have no motive whatsoever.

Biff- <sigh!> It’s nice to have you in my court.

Later, in the Parlour Car.

The Steward- (To Sabrina) Well, what have you come up with so far?

Sabrina- First: your play involves a lot of ham acting. Second: I have no idea who killed Kip.

The Steward- Might I suggest you find out.

Sabrina- Just for conversations sake, what happens if I don’t?

The Steward- Unless you solve this case, you and your mortal friends will be trapped on this train... forever.

Sabrina- Noooo!

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda and Hilda gaze into the crystal ball and see.

Sabrina- Noooo!

Zelda- Hilda, I think we’ve got ourselves a train to catch.

A train steward jumps up onto the cupboard behind the settee. A train steward with a small, black, furry face, yellow, slit eyes and pointy ears.

Salem- All aboard!

Int. The Halloween express. Parlour Car Sabrina and the steward walk down the isle of the carriage as she pleads with him.

Sabrina- This is insane! We can’t just go soaring through the cosmos forever!

The Steward- I’m sorry, rules are rules. Besides, everything you need to solve this case is right in front of you.

Sabrina- Right in front of me where?

On the floor, it would appear as she trips and falls full length over Kip Kodak’s rapidly cooling body. The steward leaves as Sabrina pulls her hat back on and looks at the body more closely.

Sabrina- Oh look! He still has the juice box I gave him.

All four suspects come over to do just that... look.

Sabrina- (Cont.) And it’s unopened. Which means he was killed right after I left him.

In his other hand she finds.

Sabrina- (Cont.) <Gasp!> The countess’ missing diamond!

They all look at the countess.

The Countess- Splendid! He found it. If he weren’t dead, I’d buy him something.

She gets down on her knees and tries prises the gem from his stiff fingers. It wont come free.

The Countess- (Cont.) No matter, I still have the Sacorcas sapphire.

Sabrina studies the body further and finds something wrapped around Kip’s neck.

Sabrina- An old, sweaty tennis towel with the initials BB. Do they stand for Betty Boop, Bugs Bunny or Biff Buffington?

All eyes turn to Biff.

Professor Von Claptrap- I knew it had to be you! You’re just zat sort of guy.

Biff- Sort of guy!? Sort of guy!? What exactly is that supposed to mean!? If anybody’s guilty here, it’s her!

He points at the countess.

The Countess- <gasp!>

Hortense- (To the countess) I knew it was you...!

Professor Von Claptrap- (To Biff) Stop trying to blame other people...

Sabrina- (Watching them argue) Finally, I’m having a positive impact. They’re turning on each other.

Ext. Platform 762 Jupiter Station. Zelda carries Salem in her shoulder bag while Hilda checks the Halloween express flyer.

Zelda- Please tell me we’re in the right place this time?

Hilda- Is it my fault the space shuttle looks exactly like the mystery train? Do you think I should have given that cosmonaut my number? He was so cute.

Zelda- (Taking the flyer) According to schedule, the train should have left Boston two hours ago. It should be here any minute.

They are suddenly buffeted by the wind of a train passing at very high speed.

Hilda- Here it is now! But it’s not stopping! What should we do?

Zelda- Jump!

Ext. The Halloween Express. Sparks fly from the wheels of the train as it barrels along the track and threaten to singe the blonde hair of the two witches who are clinging to the underside of the train for dear life.

Zelda- That was close!

Salem- Hey, My outfit’s getting all dirty!

Hilda- Yeah? Well my caboose is on fire!

Int. The Halloween Express. Parlour Car. The four suspects are still arguing fiercely and giving Sabrina a headache.

Sabrina- People! People! Please work with me here.

They fall silent and turn to her.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, the sooner we figure this out, the sooner we can get off this train. So, in the interest of time, what say the murdered just raises his or her hand?

They all look at each other but there is a distinct lack of hand raising going on.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Don’t be shy... Anybody?.. Anybody at all?.. Biff?

Biff- You can’t honestly expect me to admit to a crime I didn’t commit? I’m a man of honour, integrity, amazing bone structure.

Hortense- Whose towel was rapped around the victims neck!

Biff- I had absolutely no motive whatsoever!

The Countess- Nor did I.

Hortense- Well I didn’t do it...

They all turn to arguing amongst themselves again

Sabrina- (To herself) And I am, officially, the worlds worst detective.

There’s the sound of a body collapsing to the floor.

The Steward- A murder!

The Countess- Murder?

Professor Von Claptrap- Murder?

Biff- Murder?

Hortense- Great! Something else for me to clean up.

Sabrina- There’s been another murder?

The Steward- Ah-ah-ah. Same murder and until you solve it, we’re all destined to keep replaying the same scene over and over... and the longer you take, the longer I have to wear these slacks!

Int. The Halloween Express baggage car. A very dirty Zelda and Hilda, along with Salem, the steward, climb into the car. It’s already occupied by a group of hobos sitting around a fire. One of them comes over.

Hobo- Well-well-well. You never know what kind of riffraff you’re gonna come across riding the rails.

Salem- Back off grampa!

Zelda- Salem, don’t be rude.

Salem- Who’s being rude? He really is my grandpa.

The old hobo tips his hat.

Salem- (Cont.) Thanks for the birthday card.

Hobo- No problem. How’s your mom?

Hilda- I hate to break up this family reunion, but we’re looking for the mystery train.

Hobo- You’re on it...

They all sigh with relief.

Hobo- (Cont.) ...but you want the parlour car.

Salem- (Aside to Zelda) Grandma tells people he was lost at sea.

Ext. The Halloween express...roof. It’s the only way to traverse the 78 cars that separate the baggage car from the parlour car. Zelda, Hilda and Salem make their slow, careful and very smoky way on hands and knees.

Zelda- <Pant!> Now I understand <Gasp!> Why people don’t take the train anymore.

Hilda- Tunnel!!

They both drop to their bellies as the whistle blows and everything goes black.

Int. The Halloween Express. Parlour Car. Sabrina does a recap... again.

Sabrina- So let’s go through what we know so far. I left the cabin and Kip was alive. I came back and Kip was dead. That’s about it.

The door opens and two raggedy people enter. They’re so dirty that it’s hard to be sure who they are until one of them speaks.

Zelda- (Stepping over Kip’s body) Oh Sabrina, there you are.

Sabrina- Oh, aunt Hilda, aunt Zelda, thank goodness you’re here! I didn’t know this was an Other Realm train and-and now Josh is dead and I have to... Did somebody shoot you guys out of a cannon?

The aunts look down at themselves and with a nod both point and suddenly they’re both in keeping with the period of the roaring twenties.

Zelda- Sabrina, there’s no need to fear, your aunties are here.

The steward comes over all smiles and charm.

The Steward- Will there be two more for dinner?

Zelda- (Charmed) Oh no. We’re just passing through.

The Steward- Oh, too bad.

They both turn and watch him leave.

Hilda- (Aside to Zelda) Yowzer! I wouldn’t mind spending eternity on this train.

Zelda- Hello! Did you see the way he looked at me? (Turning back to Sabrina.) Okay, I have a plan. First: I’m going to interrogate the steward.

Hilda- Hey, that was my plan!

Sabrina- And this plan helps me how..?

Zelda- He knows who the murderer is. Trust me, we’ll have it out of him in ten minutes tops.

Hilda- Five, if he’s ticklish.

Salem- And, if that doesn’t work, you always have me to solve the crime. At least you would if I had the appropriate attire.

Zelda points and he turns from Salem, the steward to Salem Holmes complete with dear stalker hat and curvy pipe.

Salem- I say, good show old girl. Now then, what say we have a look at the corps, shall we?

Salem inspects Kip’s body, sniffing in places a human would never think to.

Salem- This body is simply rife with clues. What, prey tell, have you been doing for the last few hours?

Sabrina- Hey, I found the diamond and the tennis towel!

Salem- Hm, those items, combined with this feather I found, should tell us everything we need to know.

Sabrina- (Holding up the emu feather) I can’t believe I missed this.

Salem- In your defence, it was lodged fairly deep into his nasal passage.

Sabrina- (Disgusted) Urgh!

Salem- I believe we only have one thing left to do. Dust the body.

Sabrina- For fingerprints?

Salem- No, it’s filthy!

Int. The Halloween Express, The stewards car. Hilda sits reading a magazine while Zelda and the steward get to know one another very well. Hilda finishes her magazine.

Hilda- When is it my turn to interrogate him?

Zelda comes up for air with her lipstick all smudged.

Zelda- Hilda, I told you, we’re giving him the old good witch, bad witch routine.

She takes a deep breath and dives in again.

Hilda- Oh right. Which one am I again?

Int. The Halloween Express. Parlour car. Salem has all the suspects gathered round.

Salem- This one was a bit dodgy, all right, but I think we came up cricket.

Sabrina- Do you even know what that means?

Salem- Haven’t the foggiest... but, I do know which one of you is the murderer!

The all look at one another dramatically with a dum-dum-dum.

Salem- It all began to make sense when I learned of the countess’ missing diamond!

A flashback shows the following.

Salem- (Cont.) Sabrina was out of the room, so the countess knew she only had seconds to make her move. Counting on their prior relationship and Kip’s impeccable manners, she offered her hand, but she also knew that the prong on her ring was loose and her plan worked perfectly. Kip started to choke on the stone!

Back in the present.

Sabrina- I knew it! Countess Admirer is the murderer!

The Countess- No I’m not!

Salem- But she would have been if Hortense hadn’t stepped in.

Another flashback.

Salem- A former RAF nurse, her instincts got the better of her, but she had a plan of her own. She knew that Kip was highly allergic to emu feathers and that prolonged exposure could kill him.

With each squeeze of the Hiemlich, making him spit up the stone, she manages to ram her feather duster up his nose. Back in the present.

Sabrina- I knew it! Hortense is the murderer!

Hortense- No I’m not

Salem- But she might have been if it weren’t for an involuntary muscle contraction.

Yet another flashback.

Salem- Kip sneezed, violently, I would imagine, and dislodged all but one of the feathers from his nostrils. However, Biff Buffington seized on the opportunity, like only an international tennis star could, and offered Kip one of his towels to wipe his nose... or to strangle him!

Back in the present.

Sabrina- How could you!?

Biff- I didn’t!

Salem- He’s right, you know. He didn’t.

Sabrina- Cut to the chase, Sherlock. We’re running out of suspects.

Salem- Which brings me to my most interesting piece of evidence. The dust on the body. It wasn’t dust at all, but pipe smoke!

Everyone turns to Professor Von Claptrap with his pipe.

Professor Von Claptrap- Zat means nozing! You also smoke a pipe.

Salem- Yes! But mine only blows bubbles.

He demonstrates and a further flashback ensues.

Salem- (Cont.) Once Kip recovered, the professor came up behind him and offered Kip his pipe containing tobacco. A substance which according to the entire western medical community, kills... eventually.

Back in the present.

Sabrina- But Kip doesn’t smoke!

Salem- Exactly! which is why the professor is definitely not the murderer.

And no-one seems more amazed by this than the professor himself but everyone looks thoroughly confused.

Sabrina- So none of them is the murderer? I thought you said you’d solved the crime?

Salem- I have. The murder was committed by someone who had both motive and means. Someone who had a working knowledge of poison.

Yet another flashback, only this one flashes a lot farther back than the others did. It flashes all the way to the start of the episode when Sabrina tried Zelda’s taffy.

Salem- (Cont.) Someone who knew that in large quantities, essence of unicorn is fatal to mortals.

Flashback Sabrina- Yuck! (Spits it back into the wrapper) Why does aunt Zelda always go so heavy on the unicorn?

Salem- Someone who seized the opportunity and went to great lengths to make sure she’d covered her tracks.

The flashback flashes forward to a later flashback of their arrival on the train.

Flashback Sabrina- That’s why I told everyone to wear coats and gloves.

Salem- Someone who knew that the poison need not be ingested but can easily be absorbed through the skin and placed it on something as innocuous as a juice box.

The flashback flashes forward a little bit further to show Sabrina handing Josh her juice box but with the half chewed taffy stuck to it.

Sabrina- (Leaping to her feet.) You’re talking crazy cat!

The Countess- (Pointing at Sabrina) The murderer!

Professor Von Claptrap- (Pointing at Sabrina) The murderer!

Biff- (Pointing at Sabrina) The murderer!

Hortense- (Pointing at Sabrina) The dame who bumped him off

Sabrina- Why are you all accusing me!? I didn’t do it, I swear! I-I didn’t even have a motive.

Salem- Oh-no! Isn’t it true that you’re angry with Josh for not suporting you in your ever more manic quest for the perfect Halloween? That your being so resentful of his pouty attitude and sarcasm, that the rage built up in you and you...

Sabrina- (Interrupting)(Manic) Yes! It’s true! It’s true! I’m the murderer! I killed Josh!... (Surprised) Wow! I totally didn’t see that one comin’

Int. The Halloween Express, The Stewards Car. Hilda breaks off her kiss with the steward without stopping chewing her gum. The steward, his face red with lipstick, collapses panting onto his seat.

The Steward- <Gasp! Pant!> Sabrina’s the murderer!

Zelda- Good work sister.

They high five.

Hilda- Let’s go.

She pauses and turns back to the steward.

Hilda- (Cont.) Oh, here’s you gum.

Int. The Halloween Express, Parlour car. Hilda and Zelda dash in and jump over Kip’s body.

Hilda- Sabrina, We know who the murderer is!

Zelda- It’s you!

Sabrina turns round to show them that she’s already in handcuffs.

Sabrina- So I’ve heard. So what happens to me know?

The Steward- (Looking very happy) Well, now that you’ve solved the murder, your free to go.

He removed the handcuffs and smiles smuggly at Zelda and Hilda, having enjoyed their kisses until the party was over.

Sabrina- Really?

The Steward- Hm-mm.

Sabrina- Wow, this was great. Y’know, you really throw a nice homicide, but how did you know about aunt Zelda’s taffy and that I was mad at Josh?

The Steward- Murders our business and our business is murder. (Calling out) Next stop: Boston!

In an instant everything is back as it was. the litter strewn floor and frayed seats, everyone back in their own cloths.

Sabrina- Wow! He really does murder right.

Josh- Whoa! I don’t remember much, but this Halloween was exhausting. I’m so dead.

Sabrina- No you’re not, you’re alive again.

Josh- Again?

Sabrina- Look Josh, I wanna talk to you about this whole Halloween thing. It may not be an important holiday for you, but it is for me and I was hurt that you weren’t more supportive. I mean, I supported you when you...

Josh- (Interrupting) When I was going to move to Prague, when I got a job on the paper and with pretty much everything I’ve done since you’ve know me. I’m sorry Sabrina.

He bends down and kisses her before joining the others in leaving the train. Sabrina smiles and starts to follow but his held back by Harvey, who is checking his watch.

Harvey- Sabrina, I seem to have misplaced a few hours of my life. Was this a... bewitching kind of evening?

Sabrina- It was for me and I know it was for you... or should I say, Biff Buffington?

Harvey- ...Say me.

Run credits.



Pic of the Week