The Gift Of Gab

Int. College House. A package has come for Miles in a plain brown wrapper. He unwraps it with feverish antisi.............pation. The wrapping contains a woman. A woman with dark hair, wearing a blue, basque style top, black leather mini skirt and kinky boots. Miles looks her up and down with evident excitement.

Miles- You’re perfect.

Roxie comes over, also giving the new girl in the house a once over.

Roxie- And I was worried you’d never meet anybody. So, who’s the lucky girl?

Miles- This is no girl. This is a woman. The lovely and talented Adrienne Barbeau, star of nineteen eighty-two cinema classic, ‘Swamp Thing’

Roxie- This’ll be a first, watching you get rejected by cardboard.

Yes, as some of you may have suspected, what Miles is drooling over is not, in fact, the lovely and talented Adrienne Barbeau, but only a life sized cardboard cut out of the lovely and talented Adrienne Barbeau.

Roxie- (Cont.) Goodman, you’re a freak.

Miles- To you, to the twelve hundred guys I outbid on Ebay, I’m a god!

Sabrina enters all excited.

Sabrina- The most incredible thing happened today!

Miles- (Interrupting) The second most incredible thing!

He picks up his cardboard Adrienne, sticks her under his arm and takes her off to his room. Sabrina watches him go with a question on her lips.

Roxie- Don’t ask.

Sabrina- Don’t tell.

Roxie- So, what happened?

Sabrina- The campus radio station excepted our proposal! We got our own show!

Roxie- (Suddenly scared) Oh. I don’t know about this whole radio thing. We wrote up the proposal for that at the end of last year. I don’t even remember what we proposed.

Fortunately Sabrina has a copy of the proposal with her.

Sabrina- (Reading) Well to quote you: "A ground breaking mix of heady talk, music and politics that breaks the mould and shakes up the student booty" Ooh, that’s supposed to be ‘Body’. I hope that’s not why we got the job.

Roxie- We are so dead! How are we going to fill up two hours, three times a week?

Sabrina- Well we have tones to talk about. You and I lead very exciting lives.

Miles comes through on his way to the kitchen with his cardboard squeeze.

Miles- I spilled a little grape juice on her.

Sabrina- (To Roxie) Okay, we’ve got two days to get really exciting lives.

Run opening credits.

Int. College House. Miles sits watching Swamp Thing on the TV with his arm around his cardboard babe. Roxie and Sabrina come from their room ready to face their first night as radio stars.

Roxie- Spellman, how do I look for our first show?

Sabrina- Amazing. I mean, you look great in that top.

Miles- Er, point of order! You’re doing a radio show. You could go to work wearing my clothes.

Sabrina & Roxie- (Disgusted) Ew!

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda and Zelda are exercising along with a yoga video.

Video- Come into the plank.

Zelda and Hilda lower their butts, straightening their bodies in a ‘press up’ position.

Video- Drop into Shadaronga.

They both lie flat on their bellies.

Video- Come into cobra.

Both of them push up with their arms arching their backs and there’s a distinct <Crick!> sound.

Hilda- Ah! I think I’m broken!

Zelda- No pain; no gain. Suck it up sister.

Video- Remember, to achieve true peace, one must remove oneself from the outer world and embrace the silence within.

Zelda looks across at Hilda as she hears a persistent whining.

Zelda- Hilda, stop whimpering.

Hilda- I didn’t know I was. Talk about out of touch with your body.

Zelda- Wait a minute! That noise isn’t coming from you, that’s coming from out front.

Zelda jumps up and goes to the front door.

Hilda- Oh please let it be a door-to-door chiropractor.

It’s not.

Zelda- Look, it’s a dog.

It lolls it’s tongue out, whimpers and offers a paw very cutely.

Zelda- Oh.

Hilda- Oh, it’s so cute. (To Zelda) Can we keep it? Can we? Can we? Can we?

Zelda- Hilda, I’m sure the dog already has an owner.

Hilda- I don’t see one.

Zelda- I’m sorry, we absolutely cannot...

The dog offers it’s paw again.

Zelda- (Cont.) Oh let this precious creature perish on the street. Come on in pouchie.

She brings the dog inside. Hilda gets down on her knees and starts stroking it behind it’s ears.

Hilda- What a wuvly doggie woggie. Come here! Come here!

In repayment, it starts to lick her ear.

Hilda- (Cont.) Oh! Oh!

The other member of the household enters and jumps up onto the settee..

Salem- What is that desperately needy thing doing on all fours? And when did she get a dog?

Hilda- Oh Salem, show a little respect for your new found...

She inspects the dog a little closer.

Hilda- (Cont.) ...Brother.

Salem- <Gasp!> He’ll rip me to shreds! He’ll skin me alive!

The dog goes over to Salem and starts to lick him too.

Salem- Oh, nice doggie.

Hilda- Oh look at the two brothers.

Zelda- Oh. Y’know what? I bet they’d love to share a pot roast.

Salem- This could work out after all, bro.

Hilda and Zelda leave to get the food ready.

Salem- (Cont.) Oh you are kinda cute. I wonder what we should call you?

Phil, The Dog- Your worst nightmare.

Salem- Ghe!

Salem jumps straight up into the air in fright.

Int. Campus Radio station studio. Techies can be seen working behind the window as Roxie and Sabrina get set in the studio. It’s ten seconds to eight p.m.

Sabrina- This is so exciting. Roxie, which microphone do you want?

Roxie- (Nervous) Do they have one that doesn’t work? (On Sabrina’s look) I just can’t do this.

Sabrina- You’ll be fine. Even if you make a mistake, nobody’ll care.

The engineer wraps on the glass and Sabrina glances at the clock. They both sit and put on their headphones.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh we’re on in five - four - three - two. (On air) Hey welcome to Chick Chat with your hosts, Sabrina Spellman and...

She gestures for Roxie to introduce herself.

Roxie- Hello.

Sabrina- Roxie King. That’s right, Roxie King and Sabrina Spellman on Chick Chat! Y’know, get it? We-We took the ‘it’ out of chit and we substituted it with ‘ick’...

Dead air. They look at each other.

Sabrina- (Cont.) So... Roxie, what’s on your mind?

Roxie- ... I don’t know, what’s on yours?

Sabrina- Well... Errr... Y’know... Lot’s of... stuff.

They both look up at the clock. Thirty-five seconds have passed and already they have no idea what to say or do.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Um... maybe we should er... kick things off with some dope jams.

She presses a button and music plays.

Sabrina- (Off air) Oh man, talking on the radios a lot harder than I thought.

Roxie- I told you.

Sabrina- Oh we’ll be fine. I mean, all we have to do is to chill with the trads and then we’ll be free stylin’ (On Roxie’s look) I downloaded some jargon off the Internet.

Ten Minutes later. A track ends and the girls are back.

Sabrina- (On air) Welcome back to Chick Chat. So I guess we... chicks should start chattin’

The dreaded silence of dead air as Roxie and Sabrina sit and look at each other.

Roxie- Maybe we should remind our callers that our phone lines are still open.

More silence.

Sabrina- Wide open.

Nothing.

Roxie- They’re open.

They both look nervously at the clock that refuses to move any quicker.

Sabrina- Um, y’know, if you get a busy signal, keep tryin’

More dead air.

Roxie- Can you try a little harder, people? Or are you so busy hiding in your academic cocoons, that you have absolutely nothing to say?

Finally a light starts to blink on the desk, signalling a caller.

Sabrina- Look, we got a call! What should we do?

Roxie- I know! Answer it.

She pushes the flashing button.

Roxie- (Cont.) Welcome to Chick Chat, this is Roxie.

Angie- My name is Angie, and Roxie, you’re totally right about that academic cocoon thing. Sometimes I feel like I’m so buried in my books that I have no idea what’s going on in the world. Um, what should I do?

Sabrina- Er... ask somebody?

Roxie- You-You bring up a good point, Angie. I mean, when you think about it, who knows more about hell? The guy who reads ‘Dante’s Inferno’ or the guy who’s living in a rat-trap in South-E.

Angie- You’re absolutely right.

Roxie- I just think we need to find a balance in out lives. Right, Sabrina?

Sabrina uses the well known radio trick of nodding her head.

Roxie- (Cont.) My partner agrees. Okay, next caller.

She punches another flashing button.

Roxie- (Cont.) Talk to us Adams College!

Int. Spellman living room. The sisters Spellman are fussing over their new pet. Salem watches on as Phil gets his belly rubbed, his ears tickled for bringing them a bag of popcorn.

Salem- I’m telling you, that dog is evil incarnate!

Zelda- Oh Salem, you’ve said that about the gardener, the mailman and us.

Hilda- If he was so evil, would he have brought us popcorn? (Takes the bag) Oh, the cheesy kind, our favourite?

She rubs Phil under his chin.

Salem- I’m tellin’ ya, he’s a low-life from the Other Realm. He swore he was gonna make our lives a nightmare.

Hilda- So now the evil one talks? (To Phil) Who’s a good baby? Who’s a good baby? Who-who-who? (She has a thought) Hey, that’s a cute name. Let’s call him baby.

Zelda nods enthusiastically.

Int. Campus Radio station studio. nine fifty-nine p.m.. The engineers and techies, beyond the glass, nod also, impressed by the new radio star. The brunet, not the blonde who looks like she’s nodding off with her resting on the heal of her hand.

Roxie- (On air) Believe me, I’m as fed up with women’s fashion as you are. We’re totally pressured by society to be obsessed with our appearance. I mean, just tonight, my co-host and I spent an hour getting ready for a radio show! Isn’t that insane, Sabrina?

Sabrina- (Waking up) Oh, actually, I think the word I would use is... insane... which I believe is the word you used. Good word

Roxie- Well that’s it for today. Join us again next time for another hard hitting edition of Chick Chat.

Music plays and they’re off the air. Roxie jumps up totally psyched by the experience. Sabrina drops her head in her hands embarrassed by her ineptness.

Roxie- That was so so cool! Were we awesome or what?

Sabrina- Well I think the word I would use is... whatever word you used.

Roxie- We rocked!

Roxie’s still jumping as she leaves, presumably to use the ladies after two ours with nothing but carafe of iced water for refreshment. Sabrina just sits and pouts.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem’s on the counter drinking some juice through a straw. He finishes it with a slurp.

Salem- Aah!

He jumps down and nips into his litter box.

Salem- (Cont.) Nat-ta-ta-ta. Ta-te-he.Tu-tu-to-to-do. Nat-ta-ta-te-ta-te-ta-<Snap!>ARGH!

He comes out quickly with mousetrap biting into his tail and leaps up onto the kitchen table.

Salem- Who would be so demented as to put a mousetrap in my private sanctuary!?

Phil, The Dog- (Coming down the stairs) Howde-doode.

Salem- All right, cards on the table. Why are you here?

Phil, The Dog- Why do you think? To sponge off those two daffy broads.

Salem- That’s my racket, Mac.

Phil, The Dog- Not for long, Palie. My name is Phil. Say it with me, Phil.

Salem- So, what’s your game plan Prprprprprprprphil?

Phil, The Dog- To get those two broads to give you the boot, unless, of course, you wanna leave of your own free will?

Salem- I can assure you, that is never going to happen. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going outside to complete some unfinished business.

He jumps down and streaks for the cat-flap. there’s a solid ‘thunk’ as Salem’s head meets the immovable flap. Something has been put behind it.

Phil, The Dog- Glad I went with the granite.

Salem- (Dazed and Groggy) Of course, you realise, this means war.

He collapses into unconsciousness.

Int. College house. Miles’ is having fun with his pretty cardboard cut-out and a role of cling-film as the girls arrive home from the studio. Roxie watches him wrap Adrienne in the clear plastic.

Roxie- Freezing her for later?

Miles- Mock me if you must, but in a matter of hours, the bodacious miss Barbeau has increased in value by two point nine percent. Oh, by the way, great show tonight.

Roxie- Thanks. (To Sabrina) I told you we were awesome. We’re even scoring with the ‘Men who love cardboard’ crowd. Good night.

Roxie goes off to bed with a happy smile. Sabrina starts helping Miles mummify his cardboard cutie.

Sabrina- Miles, I know you liked the show, but tell me the truth. Did I make a fool of myself?

Miles- No good could come of my answer.

Sabrina- I stunk! I just couldn’t think on my feet. Y’know, I always thought I’d be a natural on the radio but it turns out that Roxie’s the natural.

Miles- Hey, when it comes to performing, everybody’s different. Some people can be spontaneous and other people, like me, need to organise, prepare, throw-up a few times.

Sabrina- Thanks for sharing that, Miles. Hey, let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.

Miles- Actually, there is. Do you have any bubble wrap?

Sabrina- No!

That’s too kinky for Sabrina, so she heads for bed hoping the image doesn’t effect her dreams.

Int. Campus Radio station studio. Roxie enters to find Sabrina already there and laying out her colour coded prompt cards on the table.

Roxie- Hey, I thought we were gonna walk over together?

Sabrina- Oh erm, yeah well, I wanted to get here early and go over some show ideas.

Roxie looks down at the growing pile of coloured cards in front of Sabrina.

Roxie- For today, or the whole year?

Sabrina- Well, y’know, it never hurts to be prepared.

Roxie notices a huge, metal bound book on the side of the table. She picks it up with difficulty. It’s very heavy.

Roxie- (Reading) "Everything you always wanted to know about everything"

Sabrina- (Taking the book) Oh yeah. There are some amazing facts in here. I mean, did you know that pirates used to wear earrings because they thought piercing their ears would improve their eyesight? Huh!

Roxie- I did not know that.

Unlike Sabrina’s, Roxie’s getting ready routine involves just putting on her headphones.

Roxie- (Cont.) Okay, We’re on in five - four - three - two...

She points at Sabrina.

Sabrina- (On air) Welcome to Chick Chat, with Roxie King and me, Sabrina Spellman. I have prepared some interesting and very neatly arranged topics for tonight, and I’m only slightly nauseous.

Roxie- Thanks for the heads up.

Sabrina- Here’s a topic, Er let’s talk about (Reading) "The sky-rocketing cost of tuition at Adams College. Two years ago, tuition went up eleven percent, last year it went up another eight. How is this trend going to effect the cost of education in the..."

She looks for the next card but it’s missing. Roxie spots another pink one and holds it up for her friend.

Sabrina- (Cont.) "..future!"

Roxie- A numbers game, who can afford to play? Talk t’ us Adams.

Sabrina- Oh, see, I knew this’d get people thinking. (Pressing the flashing button) You’re on with Sabrina.

Caller #1- On the last show, Roxie was talking about how much women are slaves to fashion, well men are victims too. Y’see I don’t have much money to spend on cloths but...

Roxie- (Interrupting) Which feeds right into Sabrina’s tuition issue.

Sabrina reaches for her huge book and starts flipping pages.

Roxie- (Cont.) I mean, how can kids buy the hipest stuff if every penny they spend is on their education? Any thoughts, Sabrina?

Sabrina- (Frantically flipping pages) Er let me check.

Roxie- Peer pressure is an enormous problem. Not just with fashion but with drugs, drinking and...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Oh here’s something about drinking! It says here that if you (Reading) "Stick your finger in a soda, it goes flat."

Caller #1- How does that relate to anything we’ve been talking about?

Sabrina- I don’ know, let me check.

She gets back to flipping through pages.

Later. Sabrina is sat back making a tower out of her index cards while Roxie rocks.

Roxie- ...My fantasy guy? Take Tom Cruise’ eyes, Steve Martin’s wit and toss lightly with Brad Pitt’s everything else. So, who’s your fantasy woman?

Caller #33- Er you! You’re smart and funny and er you’re not afraid to speak your mind. I love the Roxie King show.

Sabrina does a little sneer as she adds another card to her tower. The whole thing collapses.

Int. College House. Roxie leads Sabrina, who is still lugging that enormous book with her, into the house.

Roxie- Sabrina, this is the way talk shows go. Tonight people just weren’t interested in your topics.

Sabrina- Well they didn’t even give me time to look up stuff in my big book.

Roxie- (Smiling) Who does a college radio show with a stack of index cards and a big book?

Sabrina- Oh so now you’re the expert. The person I had to drag kicking and screaming to even do the show?

Roxie- I didn’t say I was an expert. I just think you’d be better off if you loosened up.

Sabrina- Well on the first show I was trying to be spontaneous and Miles thought it’d be a better idea if I prepared. Now you’re saying ‘Don’t prepare, be spontaneous’ Well I’m not listening to either one of you.

She turns and storms off to her bedroom.

Roxie- (Calling after) If you’re not going to prepare and you’re not going to be spontaneous, what does that leave?

Sabrina- (Calling back) Wouldn’t you like to know!?

Int. Sabrina and Roxie’s bedroom. Sabrina enters, closes the door and leans back against it.

Sabrina- Wouldn’t I like to know?

Int. Spellman living room. Baby is snoozing beside the piano while his new owners are planing a little holiday for him.

Zelda- (With a brochure) We take Baby to the South of France for two weeks and then shoot over to Munich for his first Oktoberfest.

Hilda- How cute would he look in lederhosen?

Zelda- We’ll get him one of those caps with the feathers.

On top of the piano a small, black paw pushes the large, heavy vase a little towards the edge.

Hilda- And then maybe teach him to yodel.

Another push on the vase.

Zelda- And top it off with a big bratwurst.

A rapid series of little shoves sends the vase over the edge on the perfect trajectory. Crushed dog skull, here we come. Zelda spoils the fun, however, with a little point. The vase returns to it’s original position.

Zelda- (Cont.) Salem Saberhagen! How could you do that to poor Baby!?

Salem- How could you be so naive!? This bloated beast is playing you like a violin while he tries to bump me off!

Hilda- Don’t be ridiculous. (Stroking Phil) All Baby wants is a widdle love.

Salem- Ghe!

Int. Sabrina and Roxie’s bedroom. You’re always the best in the privacy of your own room with a hairbrush for a microphone and Sabrina’s no exception.

Sabrina- (Into the hairbrush) Welcome to Chick Chat. I’m Sabrina Spellman, the worlds worst radio host.

Ah, well she would have been the best if she didn’t have an audience.

Salem- You’re being kind.

Sabrina- Salem, what are you doing here?

Salem- I’m a nose hair away from being replaced by the hound from hell! I need a shoulder to cry on <Sob!>

Sabrina- You picked the wrong shoulder. I’m making a fool of myself on the radio while Roxie sits back and ‘Wows!’ Everybody.

Salem- Whaddya expect? The girl was born with the gift of gab.

Sabrina- What was I born with?

Salem- A very thick head... for a witch!

Sabrina- Of course! If I want the gift of gab, all I have to do is point and zap.

She points, she zaps and a small, round box appears from the midst of the sparkles. She lifts the lid and a set of dentures floats out. Sabrina sits and looks at them for a while.

Sabrina- (Cont.) They’re not saying anything.

Teeth- Give me a subject, I start gabbing.

Sabrina- Er, music!

Teeth- Way too many boy bands and, please, only one name per rap artist. Are you Puff Daddy, Puff Diddy or Puff, the magic dragon? Decide man!

Sabrina- Movies!

Teeth- Love ‘em! I’d love them even more if I had my eyes. Got my high teeth though. Had my wisdom teeth removed, didn’t feel a thing! It’s amazing what’s going on in dentistry today.

Salem- Let me ask you a question. How would you get revenge on someone whose mission it was to destroy you?

Teeth- I’m just the gift of gab. When you’re desperate to get even, call upon my good friend Steven.

A man appears in Sabrina’s room and, once again, it isn’t me. Darn!

Sabrina- Let me guess, Even Steven?

Even Steven- Well, originally Stefan, but Efen Stefan gave people the wrong idea,

Salem- Whatever! Let’s go do in the dog!

He jumps up onto Steven’s shoulder and the pair disappear.

Sabrina- (To The Teeth) Well gift of gab, you’re just what I need and I’ve got just what you need.

She picks up a breath freshened spray and the dentures obligingly open wide so she can spray them.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Sabrina’s on shift when Miles comes to the counter with his date.

Miles- I’ll have a half cafe, Grande cafe, dry with non-fat soy milk.

Sabrina- And for the little lady?

Miles- Er nothing. She learned her lesson after the grape juice incident.

Sabrina- Y’know Miles, it’s one thing to keep her in your room, it’s another to take her out on dates.

Miles- Well, unfortunately, this is her last one. I’ve just sold her on Ebay for a ten point nine percent profit. Any moment now, another Adrienne Barbeau fanatic is gonna come in here and rip out my heart.

He takes his date and heads over to a vacant table as a woman enters and intercepts him.

Adrienne Barbeau- You must be Miles?

Miles looks from the woman to his cardboard cut-out and back.

Miles- Yes, and I must be dreaming. You’re... Adrienne Barbeau!

Adrienne Barbeau- That’s what they tell me. I’ve been looking for one of these for years.

Miles- Y’know, I’d give it to you but I just sold it.

Adrienne Barbeau- To me. I was the highest bidder.

She pulls a cheque from her purse and hands it to Miles.

Miles- I am so sorry. You must think I’m just a mercenary who’s using you to make money, when, in reality, I’m your number one fan who worships the swamp you sludged through.

Adrienne Barbeau- You are so sweet.

She gives him a little peck on the cheek while Sabrina takes her ‘Gift of gab’ teeth from their box.

Sabrina- (To the teeth) We’ve gotta move, we’re on the air in half an hour.

She pops them into her own mouth. Meanwhile, Miles is still chatting to his heroine.

Miles- I’ve seen everything you’ve ever done. There is no one on this planet who knows more about you than I do.

Sabrina arrives and hands Miles his coffee. a last service before quitting work.

Sabrina- Here ya go. Gotta go.

She’s just about to turn away when she recognises the woman stood beside him.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Wow! Adrienne Barbeau, or should I say, the original Rizzo, in Grease. Congrats on your Tony nomination. Oh, and loved you in ‘The Fog’ and ‘Creepshow’ Oh, and then there’s TV, and then there’s Maude! What about ‘Deep Space Nine’? I mean, you played a fantastic Senator Cretak.

Adrienne Barbeau- Oh well thank you. And you are?

Sabrina- Sabrina Spellman, sophomore at Adams College, founded in eighteen ninety-one...

Miles- (Interrupting) I didn’t know you knew this much about Adrienne?

Sabrina- I don’t! I just have the gift of gab. Gotta go.

She turns and leaves.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Baby, or Phil, is apperantly asleep on the floor. Salem, however, is wide awake on the counter as the phone rings.

Salem- (To himself) This batter not be public television again. I give and I give and I give! (Presses the receive button) Y’ello?

BOOM! The handset explodes leaving a heap of singed and smoking black fur where Salem used to be. It speaks.

Salem- (Cont.) Ouch!

Phil, The Dog- (Woken by the blast) Tsk Tsk! Don’t you know smoking stunts your growth? I am good.

He gets up and leaves.

Salem- (To himself) Oh Steven, I am ready to get even. <Cough!>

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda tries a pair of sunglasses on Baby.

Hilda- See? Those frames really go with his colouring.

Baby waves a paw, making him look like he needs a seeing-eye dog. The doorbell rings. Zelda jumps up.

Zelda- I’ll get it.

Hilda- (To Baby) You are going to be the envy of every dog in Bavaria.

Zelda answers the door to a presentable young man with a nice smile.

Zelda- Hello.

Even Steven- How do you do? My name is Steven Evenson. I saw your flyer and I think you may have my dog?

He hands Zelda a photo.

Zelda- Well, it certainly looks like him.

Hilda- Who is it?

Zelda- The man who owns our Baby.

Hilda- Oh no! I’ve heard about horror stories like this. Adoptive parents nurture a child, then, out of the blue, he’s snatched from their arms by the birth-father! Well guess what? You can’t have him! Get out!

Zelda- Hilda, if it really is his dog, we have no right to keep him.

Hilda looks down at Baby who hasn’t moved.

Hilda- It can’t be his dog, Baby doesn’t even recognise him.

Even Steven- Y’know, you’re right. (Studies Baby) Oh maybe it isn’t him. I mean, even if it was, he seams happier here. Yeah, the truth is, he was just never very comfortable living in a forty-two roomed mansion with his own valet.

Baby’s ears prick up.

Zelda- Mansion and a valet? You’re welcome to slap a collar around my neck.

Even Steven- Y’know, frankly, he was getting a bit lethargic between all the rich food at the country club and those luxurious sails on the yacht.

Zelda- A big yacht?

That’s it. Baby gets up and with a winning whine, walks over to Even Steven who gets down to stroke him.

Hilda- Seems to know you now.

Even Steven- Yes he does. Oh but painful though it may be, I-I have to do what’s best for him. I’m leaving the dog with you.

Hilda and Zelda’s faces light up at that news.

Phil, The Dog- No! Don’t leave me with these losers! One’s, dumb as dirt, the others got the personality of a limp noodle.

Zelda- How dare you talk about us... <Gasp!> You talked! (To Hilda) He does talk!

Hilda- Salem was right! He was just using us!

Salem- Giving credence to the old adage: Stick with the user you know.

Hilda suddenly notices that a mortal is stood listening to this conversation.

Hilda- (To Even Steven) This whole talking animal thing must seem a little odd to you.

Even Steven- (Handing over a card) No, not at all. My real name is Even Steven and I’m here to take this slobbering slime-ball to the Other Realm obedience school.

Phil, The Dog- Please, gimme another chance. Let me spend the rest of my life fetching for the fetching Spellman sisters?

Zelda and Hilda- (Together) Aaah... Bye.

They both point and Phil and Even are gone.

Int. Campus Radio station studio. Sabrina arrives at the last minute and fiddles with her new teeth before going in to join her co-host.

Sabrina- Hey Roxie, howya doin’? Great t’ see ya. How about that nippy Fall weather out there?

Roxie- Somebody’s in a better mood.

Sabrina- Hey, smile, and the whole world smiles with you, cry, and you cry alone. Everybody loves somebody sometime.

Roxie- Had a couple of double espressos?

Sabrina- No, You’re looking at your new and improved co-host. We’re on in five - four - three - two. (On air) Welcome to Chick Chat with Roxie King and, Yours truly, Sabrina Spellman. I wanna go right to you guys out there, What’s on your mind?

Caller #1- I wanna talk about the proliferation of cell phones.

Roxie- Man, are they annoying.

Sabrina- Not to me. There’s nothin’ I like more than gabbin on the horn. Speakin’ of horns, whatever happened to Kenny G? What does that ‘G’ stand for? I know it doesn’t stand for general audiences, and what is a general audience anyway? Eisenhower? Schwarzkopf? Patton? Next topic!

She hits the button cutting caller #1 off.

Roxie- Mental health, specifically yours?

Sabrina- Oh, never been better, which is great because if you haven’t got your health, and in that I include dental, what have you got?

She presses another lit button.

Sabrina- (Cont.) You’re speakin’ with Sabrina.

Caller #2- I am really sick of the food in the cafeteria. Do you know any good Japanese restaurants?

Sabrina- Japanese? A sokowa aperienya shykaya shin yanya imponya minimo amanya sho ya.

Caller #2- Could ya say that in English please?

Sabrina- There’s a simply marvellous place downtown were the fish is tip-top.

Caller #2- Hey, if I wanted to get ridiculed, I would have called my mother.

Sabrina- Great topic, mothers and sons. Very complex relationships. From Oedipus to Macbeth to my mother the car. Speaking of cars, have you seen the new gas/electric hybrids? They’re to die for. To die for! A great movie. Did you know Nicole Kidman’s from Australia? Did you know that’s where the duckbilled platypus is from? By the way, did you know that the duckbilled platypus is the only mammal that can lay an egg?...

Through all this, Roxie has been watching with her mouth hanging open and steadily widening eyes. Sabrina is aware that if she doesn’t take a breath soon, she’ll suffocate.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Besides the mammal that’s laying one right now. So I’m not very good at this so let’s go to a musical break!

Roxie- Good idea!

Sabrina hits the button that starts the music and quickly bends down out of site and pulls the ‘Gift of gab’ teeth out before taking a deep breath.

Roxie- (Cont.)(Off air) Sabrina, whaddya think you’re doing?

Sabrina- <Sigh!> Trying to be something I’m not. Most things come really easy for me but I am not cut out to be on the radio, and nothing I can do will magically change that.

Roxie- Granted, the surreal Japanese interlude might have been a mistake.

Sabrina- No, the mistake was thinking that because I’m a decent writer, I’d be good on the radio. But you’re great at this so I’m not going to get in your way anymore.

She gets up to leave.

Roxie- Sabrina, this show is half yours. I don’t wanna take it away from you.

Sabrina- You don’t have to.

She sits down again and stops the music.

Sabrina- (On air) Welcome back to Chick Chat. This is Sabrina and due to circumstances way beyond my control, this’ll be my last show. I know, I know, what took me so long? Well now it is my pleasure to leave you in the capable hands of the very talented and witty, Roxie King.

She gives her friend a pat on the arm and a smile before leaving.

Roxie- You’re on with Roxie. Talk to me, Adams.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem reaps his reward for saving them from the bogus Baby. A plate of ribs.

Salem- Hm-mm! Nicely done Zellie. The short ribs were only enhanced by your five star sauerkraut.

Zelda- It’s meagre compensation for the shabby way we treated you. Next up: A lemon sorbet followed by a rump roast.

Salem- Ahh Life is sweet! Oh Hilda’s gonna be hard pressed to top your generosity.

Hilda chooses that moment to come up from her workshop in the basement.

Hilda- Comin’ through, comin’ through.

She is pulling a miniature glittery pyramid whose entrance is flanked by miniature gold Salem’s... or sphinx’s and miniature palm trees surround it. There’s a tiny satellite dish on top for the TV. She places it on the kitchen floor and neon lights flash up it’s sides like something straight from the Las Vagas Strip.

Hilda- (Cont.) Okay. Salem, meet your new one stop elimination station.

Salem- I’m so happy I could... I think I will.

He jumps down from the table and tries out his new high tech litter box.

Salem- (Cont.) Tum-ti-tum, La-da-da-de. (Singing) Oh heaven, I’m in heaven,

Run credits