Hex, Lies And No Videotape
Written By - Suzanne Gangursky
Transcribed By - Paul Booth
Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Morgan - Elisa Donovan
Josh - David Lascher
Miles - Trevor Lissauer
Roxie - Soleil Moon Frye
Mike Shelby - George Wendt
Rebecca - Dorie Barton
Cashius - Patrick Roman Miller
Staff Member #1 - Gregg Binkley
Staff Member #2 - Tom Beyer
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. College House. Sabrina is tapping away on her laptop when the doorbell rings. She gets up to answer it.
Sabrina- Oh, hey Josh. I thought you were supposed to be at work. Is everything okay?
Josh- (Entering) Not really. Mike gave me this impossible assignment. He wants me to find some cutting edge writers intern and I just donít know where...
Sabrina- (Interrupting) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Back up! Rewind! Did you say ĎWriters interní?
Josh- Yeah, and get this. This person has to be a journalism major.
Sabrina- Iím a journalism major!
Josh- Plus, they have to have some sort of college newspaper experience.
Sabrina- I have some sort of college newspaper experience! Josh, youíve got to get me an interview!
Josh- I would but, unfortunately, some guyís already slipped Mike his girlfriends name.
Sabrina- And thatís it? Theyíre not even gonna interview anyone else? That hardly seems fair.
Josh- It isnít fair... At least not for the other people because Mikeís hiring you!
Sabrina- (Jumping up and hugging josh) Oh my gosh, Josh! This is fantastic! Youíre the greatest boyfriend in the universe, and I know, Iíve been out there.
Josh- Well I have to admit, this wasnít a completely selfless act. Having my girlfriend at work means Iíll get to do a lot more of this.
He leans in to give Sabrina a kiss but she leans back, away from him.
Sabrina- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Back up! Rewind! I donít think anyone at the newspaper should know about us.
Josh- Sabrina, Mike already knows weíre a couple.
Sabrina- But I donít want anyone else to know. I mean, this is my first newspaper job in the real world, itís important that people see me as a professional, not just the photographers girlfriend.
Josh- Fine. Okay, as far as Iím concerned, weíve never met. Youíre just some anonymous, ditzy blonde.
Sabrina leaps on him with a huge happy hug and they both topple onto the settee.
Sabrina- Youíre the best!
He gets all the kissing he wants.
Run opening credits.
Int. The Boston Citizen, The City Desk office. Sabrina comes down the stairs with Josh, obviously very nervous on her first day and wanting to make a good impression. She stops on the stairs.
Sabrina- How do I look?
She looks very smart in a black two piece over an orange sweater.
Sabrina- No-no-no, I mean, do I look professional? I mean, I was kinda going for Katie Kurt meets Connie Jung with a big smear of Ted Copple.
Josh- Well that killed that fantasy.
Sabrina- Maybe thisíll bring it back. One last kiss before weíve never met.
They embrace and kiss on the stairs just as Mike comes out of the City Desk office.
Mike- Oh yeah, very discrete. The officeíll never figure out that you two are dating.
Sabrina- Oh Mike, I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate...
Mike- (Interrupting) Talk is cheep. You come with me (To Josh) And you, go play with your camera.
Mike leads Sabrina into the bustling hive of activity that is the City Desk.
Mike- Iím assigning you my top reporter, Rebecca Scott, okay? If youíre smart youíre gonna learn everything she has got to teach you.
They arrive at Rebeccaís desk. Sabrina and Rebecca are cut from the same cloth, Both attractive, blonde and dressed for business. Rebecca is on the phone using a hands free head-set. This doesnít stop Mike.
Mike- (Cont.) Sabrina, Rebecca. Rebecca, Sabrina.
They both wave.
Mike- (Cont.) The tour is officially over. If you donít mind, Iíve got a newspaper to run and a bear claw to dunk.
Rebecca- (On the phone) Fine. As soon as Kennedy is available, have him call me back on my private line.
She hangs up.
Sabrina- Wow! You were calling senator Kennedy?
Rebecca- No, Jose Kennedy, my hairdresser. Ted, I can get a hold of. So, you are my new intern?
Sabrina- Yeah. Iím Sabrina Spellman, I go to Adams College, I write for the school paper, I did a little expose on sororities, well actually it was nine hundred and twelve words which might make it a little bit more big than little.
Rebecca- Sabrina, thereís no need to be nervous. I started off as an intern too, so I know exactly what youíre going through.
Sabrina- Oh, so you er notice the lack of oxygen flowing through my brain?
Rebecca gets Sabrina to sit down at a deck before she faints.
Rebecca- Look, obviously, youíre very qualified for this job, otherwise you wouldnít have beaten out the tones of other people Iím sure Mike interviewed.
Sabrina- Yeah. You know, the process was brutal.
She knocks a pencil holder and itís contents off the desk with her elbow.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh, obviously, it took a toll on my reflexes and as soon as I pick up these pencils, I can get started on anything you want. You know, phone calls, fact checking, research?
Rebecca- How about researching if thereís a fresh pot of coffee?
Sabrina- Iím on it!
She leaps up and runs towards the door but stops half way and turns.
Rebecca- Black, no sugar.
Sabrina- Got it.
She sets off again but stops again after only one step and turns again.
Rebecca- Kitchenís upstairs.
Sabrina- Youíre good.
She dashes off up the stairs.
Int. Spellman Living room. Zeldaís got a life, she just doesnít know where sheís put it as she sits on the settee playing rummy with Salem. She lays down her cards.
Zelda- Ha! Gin!
Salem- Again?! You must be cheating.
Zelda- Yes, that must be it. How else could a college professor with a Ph.D. in quantum physics possibly outsmart a cat?
Probably the same way that a piano can become a chariot, complete with horse, driven by Hilda whoís clad in high roman fashion and has a large shopping basket in one hand and a centurions helmet in the other.
Salem- Great! Hildieís back. Now we can play old maid. He-he-he.
Hilda- Actually, Iím more in the mood for ĎGo fishí
She points and Salem, the catfish, is flopping about on the settee.
Salem- I was making a joke!
Hilda- And now Iím laughing.
A quick point of the finger gets rid of the chariot.
Hilda- (Cont.) Zellie, you should have come with me. I went bargain hunting in ancient Rome. Look what I got from Cashius Onlius. I practically stole it. A twenty-two carat gold necklace for fifty lira!
She removes the gold choker to show to Zelda.
Zelda- Wow! Did that include the green ring around your neck?
Hilda looks in the mirror in horror.
Hilda- Oh! That grape gorging goat trader is gonna pay!
Salem, The Catfish- On the positive side, it brightens up your pasty complexion.
Zelda- Hilda, how many times does that scoundrel have to rip you off before you learn your lesson? Cashius Onlius would sell his own mother for a profit.
Hilda- Actually, he sold her for two javelins and a wheel of parmesan, and this wouldnít have happened if youíd come shopping with me.
Zelda- To the land of no deodorant? I think not.
Salem, The Catfish- Take me! I enjoy living on the edge!
As he demonstrates by falling off the edge of the settee.
Salem, The Catfish- But not the edge, another story.
Int. Boston Citizen. City Desk office. Sabrina battles for all sheís worth, in grave danger of... paper cuts as she tries to wrestle a stubborn piece of jammed paper from the photocopier. Mike comes over.
Mike- So Spellman, how goes it?
Sabrina- Great! I er have mastered the toner change and am currently working on my third paper jam.
Mike- Yeah, well, when you have done un-jamming, I need thirty copies of this.
He hands her a sheaf of documents.
Mike- (Cont.) Then I want you to high-tail it over to the conference table. Rebecca and the guy who isnít your boyfriend need your help with a big story theyíre working on.
He leaves. Sabrina looks at the infernal machine with itís jammed paper, and open toner drawers and asks herself if she would rather be doing this or helping out with a big story? No contest. She places Mikeís document in the copier and, making sure no one is watching, uses a little magic. A few seconds later she is handing the results to Mike.
Sabrina- Thirty copies, collated and stapled.
Mike- (Amazed) Itís amazing!
Sabrina- Well, yíknow, when youíve cleared one jam...
Mike- (Interrupting) No-no-no. Our copier neither collates nor staples.
Sabrina- But your new intern does.
She slips away quickly before he can ask other questions and goes over to Josh and Rebecca at the conference table.
Rebecca- Josh, have you met our new intern, Sabrina?
Josh- (Overly loud) No, perfect stranger. I havenít seen this woman in my entire life... I mean, hi, nice to meet you.
Sabrina- (Shaking his hand) Yeah, nice to meet you too. Itís er Josh, right?
Josh- Right, and... Sabrina, right?
Rebecca- (Impatient) Okay.
Sabrina- So, um, Mike said you might need some help with the story youíre working on?
Rebecca- Yeah, this one is front page. Animal testing in the cosmetics industry. Josh is gonna be taking all the photographs and you will be doing a lot of research.
Sabrina- Great! (Taking a pad and pencil) So, where do I start? Who, what, where, why or how?
Rebecca- Letís start with who. Who... wants lunch? Josh, should we send her out for Chinese or deli?
Josh- You want Sabrina to get my lunch?
Rebecca- Well not just your lunch, everybodyís. She is the intern, thatís what sheís here for. Right, Sabrina?
Sabrina- Right. So, er what can I get you?
Josh- Really, Iím fine. I ate yesterday.
Sabrina- Yes, but itís today and itís time to eat again. So, what would you like?
Josh- Iíd like you to stop asking me what Iíd like. Iím not hungry.
Rebecca- Well I am starving, so get me a BLT and the turkey sandwich that Josh would have if he was hungry. Iíll be right back, Iím checking with the copy editor.
She leaves and Sabrina turns on Josh.
Sabrina- What are you doing?! Why wouldnít you just give me your stupid lunch order?!
Josh- Iím sorry, Iím just not comfortable sending my girlfriend out to run my errands!
Sabrina- Look Josh, youíve gotta get over this whole Mr. Caring Sensitive thing, okay. When weíre here, Iím not your girlfriend, Iím a nameless, faceless drone. I wish youíd get that through your thick head!
Josh- Keep talking and the girlfriend thing wonít be an issue.
Sabrina- (Grinning) Now thatís what I wanna hear.
Int. College House. Miles and Roxie are sat watching TV when Sabrina comes from her room.
Sabrina- Hey guys, I need a favour. I may be getting a call from my boss, Rebecca, and, in case Iím not here, I donít want anyone giving her information about my whereabouts or who Iím with.
Miles- So youíre on the paranoia wagon? Welcome aboard.
Roxie- I donít get it, Spellman, you get a job on a newspaper were the whole point is to tell the truth. then, the minute you get there, youíre whole life becomes a lie?
Miles- Not a lie, A protected privacy defence system.
Sabrina- Guys, I want to establish credibility on my own terms. I donít want anyone thinking Iím just there because Iím Joshís girlfriend.
The phone rings. Miles picks up.
Miles- Hello?... Maybe Sabrinaís here, maybe sheís not here. Who wants to know?
Sabrina- (Snatching the phone from Miles.) Hello?... Hi Rebecca!... Really, you liked my research on animal testing?... Wow! That means a lot coming from a seasoned professional like you... Yeah, it is unbelievable. Who, in there right minds, would put lip-gloss on a schnauzer?... Great, see you tomorrow.
She hangs up.
Sabrina- (Excited to her friends) Rebecca liked my research! She thinks I have potential. Me, Sabrina, the intern, not Sabrina, Joshís girlfriend.
Roxie- I still think youíve got to be careful. Secrecy and deception have a way of coming back to haunt you.
Miles- You know, itís cynical thinking like that that takes the joy out of the human experience. Iím out oí here!
He gets up, stomps to the door, grabs his coat and turns.
Miles- (Cont.) And donít even ask me where Iím going!
No one does as he storms out. Sabrina looks at Roxie confused. Milesí head pops back around the edge of the door.
Miles- (Cont.) Okay, if you must know, Iím going to the library!
He leaves again and Sabrina and Roxie crack up laughing.
Int. Hildaís Coffee House. Morgan is hard at work dumping the contents of her tray into a trash can. Unfortunately, her tray contains cups and mugs. Hilda comes over.
Hilda- Morgan, why are you throwing away good dishes?
Morgan- Díah! Theyíve all been used!
Hilda- Weíve got a huge dishwasher in the back, his name is Hank.
Morgan- Whatever! This whole working for a living is a lot trickier than I thought.
She hands her empty tray to Hilda, goes and sits at a table and picks up her coffee.
Hilda- Yes, Iím sure itís not an easy jump from princess to waitress.
Morgan- No kidding! I mean, youíd think instead of cutting me off cold turkey, daddy would have cancelled the platinum card first and then slowly weaned me off the gold.
Hilda- Speaking of gold, thatís a nice piece of South Africa on your finger.
Morgan shows off the ring as Hilda rescues her crockery from the trash and puts them back on the tray.
Morgan- Oh thanks. This was BDCMO. (On Hildaís look) Before daddy cut me off.
Hilda- Look at the size of that thing. No wonder you cant balance a tray.
Morgan- Yeah. You donít find many full faceted diamonds with a VVS of two.
Hilda- It sounds like you know your jewellery.
Morgan- Letís put it this way, not only did I have breakfast at Tiffanies, I stayed for lunch and dinner.
Hilda- Morgan, how would you like to cut out of here and do some shopping?
Morgan- Oh Iíd love to... but what about all these dishes?
She dumps the tray and itís contents into the trash can.
Hilda- (Cont.) Done.
She points and the pair of the vanish in a puff of smoke.
Ext. The market place, ancient Rome. Another puff of smoke announces the arrival of Morgan and Hilda, both clad in garments of the time. Morgan looks around at all the exotic stalls and goods and is unfazed by her sudden relocation.
Morgan- Wow! This is what I call shopping.
Hilda- Yeah. (Under her breath) Too bad you wont remember a thing when we get back.
With a natural, in built radar, she homes in on a bargain.
Hilda- (Cont.) Yo! Cashius. Bangle me, baby.
She holds out her arm while Morgan looks through a display of necklaces. Hilda spots another bargain.
Hilda- (Cont.) Oh, nice chicken.
Int. The City Desk office of The Boston Citizen. A photographer and an intern are standing together at the water cooler pretending not to be together,
Sabrina- Rebecca called me last night. She said she loves my stuff.
Josh- Oh great! Now can we stop this act and tell her your my girlfriend?
Sabrina- No way! I donít want her to think we lied to her.
Josh- We didnít, you did.
Mike strolls past reading a copy of the paper.
Mike- Look, if you two strangers want people to really think youíre just drinking water, you ought to put some in your cups.
Sabrina and Josh look at their empty cups and put them back, unused.
Sabrina- (To Josh) See you later.
They head in separate directions and Sabrina passes another girl.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey! Try some water, itís to die for.
She eventually ends up at Rebeccaís desk where she puts the folder sheís carrying in front of her.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Hereís some info I dug up on monkeys and moisturiser.
Rebecca- Once again, great job, Sabrina. Can I ask you a personal question? Just-just between friends?
She pulls up a chair for Sabrina to sit.
Sabrina- Wow! Weíre friends? That was fast. Ask away.
Rebecca- What do you think about Josh?
Sabrina- Josh? Oh, I never think about Josh. Why would I think about Josh?
Rebecca- I was just wondering if you thought he was cute?
Sabrina- Me? Oh-n-n-n-n-no. (Looking across at him) I donít go for that unshaven, fishy looking, Pisces type. Do you?
Rebecca- Yeah. I think heís a babe.
Sabrina- (Shocked) Josh?! Are-are we talking about the same Josh, here?
Rebecca- How do you know heís a Pisces?
Sabrina- Yíknow, I just read it in the employee news letter, right next to that fun article on four-O-one ĎKís. The K stands for Kooky.
Rebecca- Did the news letter happen to mention if he has a girlfriend?
Sabrina- Josh? Girlfriend? Please.
Rebecca- What, you think heís not into girls?
Sabrina- Your heard that rumour too?
Rebecca- Wait a minute. Youíre not interested in him, are you?
Sabrina- Me? Huh! I may be desperate, but Iím not that desperate. No, the truth is, he strikes me as the loner type. Yíknow, living at home with his mother, playing Playstation two.
Rebecca- Well, heís about to move on to Playstation three. Iím gonna ask him out.
Sabrina stands looking from Rebecca to Josh and back. This canít be good.
Later, Josh is at the water cooler once more. This time actually getting a drink of water when Sabrina sneaks up and stands just round the corner.
Sabrina- Donít speak, just listen. Rebeccaís gonna ask you out. Just tell her you have a girlfriend and itíll all be over with. Here she comes. Gotta go. By the way, she knows youíre a Pisces.
Sabrina slips away just as.
Rebecca- Hey Josh.
Josh- Yeah, thatís me. The Pisces.
Rebecca- ...? Listen, I just wanted to ask you something.
Josh- Ask me anything and if I donít know, Iíll ask my girlfriend.
Sabrina, whoís standing at the copier, which is conveniently close by, smiles.
Rebecca- You have a girlfriend?
Josh- Oh, do I have a girlfriend.
He leaves and Sabrina joins a disappointed Rebecca.
Rebecca- He is seeing someone.
Sabrina- (Disappointed) Bummer!
Rebecca- Itís just so weird. Iíve never heard him talk about anyone.
Sabrina- (Annoyed) Oh really? Heís worked here for three months and heís never even mentioned his girlfriend?
Rebecca- Maybe heís a very private person... or maybe heís not very serious about her!
Sabrina- He is so!... I mean, well, who knows? Yíknow, the point is, heís already taken.
Rebecca- Sabrina, I am going to put you on a very special assignment. One where those investigative skills are really gonna come in handy.
Sabrina- (Delighted) Lay it on me!
Rebecca- Find out who this girl is that Josh is dating.
Sabrina- Er... Me? I mean, you want me to find out?
Rebecca- Yes, and see if you can find out just how serious they are.
Sabrina- Fine, but I really think all this research is a waste of time. I mean, Josh doesnít strike me as your type. What about Gordon in accounting? Heís adorable.
Rebecca- Heís is seventy!
Sabrina- But heís just got a new heart!
Ext. Ancient Roman marketplace. Morgan inspect a jewel at Cashiusí stall with a jewellers eye-glass.
Cashius- I give it to you for forty lira, huh?
Morgan- Please! I could buy this for twenty at Caesars Palace, Las Vegas, plus, get a free spin on the wheel.
Cashius- Thirty lira and I throw in the hand crafted, return key fob.
Hilda- (Excited) Oh! Take it! Take it!
Morgan- Fifteen lira, final offer or we go to the thief at the next stall
Morgan- (Turning away) Weíre out oí here.
She pulls Hilda away with her.
Cashius- Okay! Okay! Fifteen lira, but no key fob!
He snatches it out of Hildaís hand when the shoppers return.
Hilda- So we have a deal?
Cashius- Does Nero fiddle, huh?
Hilda- (To Morgan) Oh! Did you hear that Morgan? We have a deal!
Morgan- Pay the man and show him your finger so he can size it.
While Hilda does this, Morgan wanders off through the stalls.
Cashius- (To Hilda) Do me a favour, huh? Next time, leave Princess at home.
Hilda- In your dreams, toga boy. From now on, Princess comes with me on every Roman holiday.
Further down the line of stalls, Morgan is checking out a beautiful velvet and gold blanket when she realises that sheís being checked out too. By a man in a purple toga, surrounded by praetorian guards and wearing a gold laurel wreath. A horn sounds with the cry of ĎHail Caesar!í He offers her his hand and, flattered, Morgan takes it and he leads her away. Hilda, of course, has no idea this has happened.
Hilda- (Cont.) When it comes to jewellery, Princess is worth her weight in gold. (To Morgan) So what do you say we hit Neamen Marcus Orelius?
She realises that she talking to herself and looks around,
Hilda- (Calling out) Morgan?! Morgan! (To Cashius) Cashius, I lost Princess.
Cashius- (Grinning) Perhaps I can interest you in a matching breastplate?
He pulls up an elaborately decorated roman breastplate.
Hilda- How much?
Int. Adams College hallway. Sabrina and Miles come out of a lecture hall with Sabrina discussing her little problem.
Sabrina- Iím in deep Miles. Rebecca wants me to find out who Joshís girlfriend is and then report back to her.
Miles- Well, you could...
Sabrina- (Interrupting) Come clean about Josh and me dating? Iíve thought of that, but then Rebecca would hate me for lying to her and Iíd blow whatever progress Iíd made so far.
Miles- Why donít you just...
Sabrina- (Interrupting) Say Josh isnít dating her anymore? But then Rebecca would be all over him again!
Miles- Well what about...
Sabrina- (Interrupting) Just keeping up the charade? It is the only plausible option but then I still have to come up with some fictitious girlfriend.
Miles- Have you ever considered...
Sabrina- (Interrupting) Thatís it!
Excited, she turns and runs off.
Miles- ...letting me finish a sentence?
Int. The City Desk office of The Boston Citizen. Josh comes down the stairs and Sabrina intercepts him by the water cooler.
Sabrina- Hey! Donít speak, just listen. Roxie is your girlfriend.
Josh- Roxie?! Are you nuts?
Sabrina- No, but you are about her. Gotta go.
She slips off.
Josh- (To himself) Oh man, I gotta stop hanging out by this water cooler
Roxie enters and bumps into Sabrina.
Sabrina- Can I help you miss?
Roxie- (Very loud) Iím looking for my boyfriend, Josh.
Sabrina- Oh, that must make you Joshís girlfriend.
Roxie- (Aside to Sabrina) Only for the next five minutes, and remember, I like my jeans folded and my T-shirts hand washed.
Sabrina- (Pointing out Rebecca) Okay. Thereís the woman after your man... I mean, my man... I mean, I never agreed to hand wash anything! Go.
Sabrina leaves and goes to Join Rebecca while Roxie heads for her boyfriend, Josh.
Sabrina- Rebecca, look whoís here. Joshís girlfriend.
Roxie- (To Josh) Hi honey, how is it going?
She gives him a pathetic little hug.
Josh- Er good.
He pushes her away and shakes her hand in a most unromantic way.
Josh- (Cont.) Well, thanks for stopping by.
Rebecca- (To Sabrina) Theyíre a couple?
Sabrina- Yeah, A couple of people madly in love.
She gestures behind Rebeccaís back and reluctantly, Josh puts his arm around Roxie.
Rebecca- But he didnít even kiss her hello?
Sabrina- Oh! Iím sure thereís all kinds of passion bubbling underneath the surface.
She gestures again and with a sigh Josh bends down and gives Roxie a peck on the cheek.
Roxie- Wow honey! Canít get enough of that sugar!
Josh- Yeah, well thereís a lot more where that came from.
Roxie- I know. Thatís why Iím your girlfriend.
This is totally unconvincing but Sabrina makes of it what she can.
Sabrina- (To Rebecca) Phew! That is one hot couple. Somebody throw a bucket of water on those two.
Rebecca- Are we looking at the same couple?
Sabrina gestures again behind Rebeccaís back for Josh to be more passionate.
Josh- Okay. Come here you sexy thing you.
He grabs the back of Roxieís neck and pulls her in for a full on snog. Roxie runs on instinct and grabs his arm, gives it a twist and flips Josh over onto his back.
Josh- (Rubbing his butt) What are you doing?!
Roxie- What were you doing?
Josh- Er, trying to kiss my sweety.
Roxie- Well find yourself another sweety! Iíll makes Miles do my laundry.
She turns and stomps off. Josh turns to look at Sabrina while rubbing his, possibly dislocated, shoulder.
Rebecca- (To Sabrina) Did you hear that? She just broke up with Josh. You know what that means donít you?
Sabrina- We have to do everything in our power to get them back together?
Rebecca- No! We do everything in out power to get me together with Josh. How do you think I should approach him?
Sabrina- Well, give him a year or two to get over it, and then give him another year to sow his wild oats and then, if youíre still interested, ask him out for coffee.
Int. Spellman dining room. Zelda works at the lab-top in her white lab-coat and safety goggles. They protect her from the large puff of smoke that Hilda creates when she jumps through time and space from imperial Rome.
Hilda- Zelda, I need you to come with me to ancient Rome.
Zelda- (Without looking up from her work) Iím running.
Hilda- You donít understand. I went back to the coliseum, I found this gorgeous ring, I didnít get the key fob...
Zelda- (Interrupting) Hilda, get to the point. Iím one step away from discovering cold fusion.
Hilda- I took Morgan with me and I lost her.
Zelda- Iíll get my purse.
Once again, the world is denied limitless, safe energy. Darn it!
Int. Hildaís Coffee House. Sabrinaís at the counter doing her other job with her favourite customer on the other side.
Sabrina- So now Rebeccaís hot on your tail again, what am I gonna do?
Josh- Iíll tell you what youíre not gonna do. Fix me up with any other girls like Roxie! (Rubbing his shoulder) I think she tore my rotator cuff.
Sabrina- I wanted you to kiss her, not swallow her tonsils!
Josh- Hey, youíre the one who told me to really sell the girlfriend thing!
She comes out from behind the counter and Josh sits at a table. Sabrina makes herself comfortable on his lap.
Sabrina- (Contrite) Look, Iím sorry I got you involved in this whole big lie. I promise Iíll make it up to you.
Josh- Yeah? Starting when?
Sabrina- Starting now.
She leans forward for a kiss not having seen who has just entered.
Rebecca- Well, well, well.
Sabrina & Josh- (Together) Rebecca?!
Josh springs to his feet depositing Sabrina, who was on his lap, onto the floor. She springs back up again flushed with embarrassment.
Rebecca- I bet this wasnít in the employee news letter?
Sabrina- I can explain!
Rebecca- No need to. A pictures worth a thousand words. I knew you liked him.
She turns to leave.
Sabrina- I donít! Really!
Rebecca stops and turns.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Rebecca, this is all my fault...
Rebecca- (Interrupting) Save it, Sabrina. It wont be an issue anymore.
Josh- (To Sabrina) Díya think she knows?
Sabrina scowls at him.
Int. The imperial palace in Rome. Caesars private suite. Morgan sprawls on a couch being hand fed peeled grapes by a serving girl while being fanned and having her feet done by three buff male slaves. A giant eunuch stands guard. Sheís oblivious to the arrival of Hilda and Zelda, who are in Roman attire and hide behind a drape.
Hilda- It figures, sheíd be in the last place we looked.
Zelda- Okay, hereís the plan. You distract the eunuch while I smuggle Morgan out.
Hilda- Why do I always have to distract the eunuch?
Zelda- Because youíre the one who always gets us into these ridiculous scenarios, thatís why!
Hilda- Fine! Iíll distract the eunuch.
She swaggers out of there hiding place and brazenly walks up the eunuch swinging her purse.
Hilda- Oh hey baldie, youíve got a little olive oil right there.
She points at his chest. When he looks down she flicks her finger up, catching his nose. As he looks back up she slaps him across both cheeks and goes to poke him in the eyes. He gets his hand up just in time but isnít quick enough to stop Hilda whacking him over the head with her purse that happens to be full of gold. His lights go out as he crumples to the floor. Zeldaís been busy also. She runs past carrying a very large Grecian urn with Morganís feet sticking out of it. Hilda falls in beside her as they make their escape.
Morgan- Put me down, my nails are still wet! Youíll never get away with this! My boyfriend is in charge of this whole empire!
Obviously, Zelda didnít have time to gag her.
Int. Spellman living room. Hilda and Zelda come from the kitchen still dressed in their Roman clothes and a little breathless from the adventure. Salem sits behind the settee watching
Zelda- Oh well, that was fun. Nothing like trying to outrun half the Roman army with a giant urn on your head.
Hilda- Oh come on. Itís not like you didnít get a few phone numbers.
Zelda- Hilda, that had to be one of your more spectacular screw-ups.
Hilda- Like Iím the only one who ever screws-up?
Salem- Hardly. May I direct your attention to the dining room?
The sisters turn to see a most unusual scene. Filling the space where the sliding doors usually are is the largest spider web... well at least I wouldnít like to see the spider that spun it as it might take more than a book to squash it, and caught, spread-eagled, in the middle of it is their niece.
Zelda- Well, well, well, what do we have here?
Hilda- A not so itsy, bitsy spider.
Sabrina- Hi guys, just hanginí out.
Zelda- It looks like somebody got herself tangled up in a web of lies. It must have been some pretty elaborate lies to get caught in a web this big.
Hilda- Thank God, someone to take the heat off me.
Sabrina- Well Iíll tell you all about them after you cut me out.
Zelda- Thatís only a temporary fix.
Sabrina- Well how can I permanently solve my problem?
Zelda- You have to go to the people you lied to and tell the truth.
Sabrina- You know, I think Iíll just stay here and start my own wed site. Ha-ha!
Int. The Boston Citizen, just outside the City Desk office. Sabrina arrives with Josh.
Sabrina- Okay, Iím just going to tell Rebecca the whole story from beginning to end. Hopefully sheíll see that my intentions were good and all will be forgiven.
Josh- Okay. Wait, you might want to lose the cobweb.
He plucks a large piece of web from her back.
Int. City Desk office. Sabrina and Josh enter to find Rebeccaís desk has been cleaned out.
Sabrina- Has anyone seen Rebecca?
Staff Member #1- No. She must have come in the middle of the night and cleared out all her stuff.
Sabrina turns to Josh, shocked.
Sabrina- Josh, did you hear that? Rebeccaís gone! I totally humiliated the star reporter!
Josh- With a great big assist from me!
Sabrina- No-no-no, I got us into this mess in the first place and now Iím gonna get us out of it.
Josh- No Lucy, not another plan.
Ignoring him, Sabrina climbs up onto one of the desks.
Sabrina- (Calling out) Excuse me! Everybody, gather round and listen up. Contrary to what my fine acting skills may have lead you to believe, I do not find Josh a pathetic mamaís boy.
Josh gives them all an embarrassed little wave.
Sabrina- (Cont.) In fact the sorry truth is that Josh and I are dating. Yep! Thatís right, Josh and I are boyfriend, girlfriend, an item, weíre absolutely crazy about each other.
Josh- They get the point!
Sabrina- But just because Josh got me the job does not mean that I like the ability to be accepted on my own terms. True, I should never have lied about the relationship but, trust me, nobody feels worse than I do that this paper lost itís best reporter because of me.
Mike- Hey, Rebecca didnít leave because of you. She got a job as a foreign correspondent for the Washington Post.
Mike- She said she was gonna stop by that coffee joint you work at and say good bye.
Sabrina- Making my little outburst completely unnecessary and me the object of total humiliation. Thank you, good night!
Mike and Josh exchange a look. So do staff member #1 and #2
Staff Member #1- Who the heck was that?
Staff Member #2- Beats me. I think she cleans the bathroom.
Sabrina climbs down from the desk with a big assist from Josh.
Sabrina- Roxie was right. Secrecy and lying come back to haunt you.
Josh- Sabrina, I know why you did it and thereís nothing wrong with wanting to be accepted for who you are and not who youíre dating, but please, just promise me one thing. From now on, everything will be out in the open?
Sabrina- You got it. (Slipping her arms round his neck) Hey, I guess this means we donít have to hide in a corner to kiss anymore.
Josh- I knew there was an upside.
He leans down to kiss her.
Mike- People, people, please! Show a little class, will ya?
They break off the kiss.
Mike- (Cont.) What do ya think the supply room is for?
Int. Hildaís Coffee House. Morgan is regaling the Spellmanís with a very vivid dream sheís had.
Morgan- It all seemed so real! I was dating this Roman Emperor and I was living in this beautiful palace.
Sabrina- (Aside to Hilda) Nice memory spell. She remembers every detail.
Hilda- She doesnít.
Morgan- (Pointing at Hilda) Oh, and you were there too, Hilda! And so was Zelda! She clobbered this bald, fat man with her purse.
She picks up a tray of coffee and goes to serve a customer.
Hilda- No! I distracted the eunuch!
Zelda- Oh what díyou want, a medal? I hope youíve learned your lesson about shopping in ancient Rome?
Hilda- Believe me, I am so through with ancient Rome.
She grabs a tray and goes to bus some tables passing Morgan on her way.
Hilda- (Cont.) Morgan, ever shopped for sapphires in Mesopotamia?