Deliver Us From E-Mail

Int. The City Desk office of the Boston Citizen. Sabrina, the intern, heads towards her boss’ office with a folder clutched in her arms and conveniently passes by Josh’s desk on the way.

Sabrina- Wish me luck. I’m going into Mike’s office with an idea and I’m coming out with my own column.

Josh- I really admire your determination, Sabrina. I mean, who else could go in there with such a positive attitude knowing that Mike has shot down every intern who’s ever tried to write for the paper?

Sabrina- I didn’t know that.

Josh- (Laughing) Oh, I just made that up. Funny joke, huh?

Sabrina- Yeah. Undermining my confidence at the pivotal point of my career, a laugh riot.

She turns to go to Mike’s office a little less confidently.

Josh- Wait! Let me rephrase that. Good luck, you’re gonna knock him dead.

He gives her a kiss on the forehead.

Sabrina- (Pleased) Much better.

Int. Mike Shelby’s office. He’s stood by the book shelf on the phone as Sabrina’s head pops round the door frame.

Mike- (On the phone) M-mm... Well I...

Sabrina tentatively enters the room.

Mike- (Cont.)(To Sabrina) Have a seat. (On Phone) Yeah!... No, no...

Sabrina takes Mike’s high backed, leather swivel number because all the others are piled high with file boxes.

Mike- (Cont.)(To Sabrina) I’m just finishing up with Anna Quindlen.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Oh my God, Anna Quindlen!

Mike- (On phone) Look Quindlen, I don’t care how many Pulitzers you’ve won, you’re piece on antidepressants was, frankly, a downer, and it wouldn’t hurt to reacquaint yourself with punctuation.

He puts down the phone. and Sabrina looks down at her folder with a worried expression. Perhaps now is not the right time to show Mike her idea.

Mike- (Cont.) So, Spellman, what do you want?

Sabrina- Oh nothing. I just... You know, I was thinking about ordering... er a new swivel chair for my house and this one seems very swively. Gotta go!

She jumps up from Mike’s chair to make escape but Mike spots the folder she’s carrying.

Mike- Wait a minute! You’ve got a folder in you hand that says ‘Idea’s for Mike’?

Sabrina- Oh... well I kind of had an idea for a column.

Mike- Well why don’t you kind of spit it out?

Sabrina- Okay. Well the Boston area has more than thirty college campuses, I mean, they’re all over the place like Starbucks and Regis Philbin.

Mike nods his understanding.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I-I Just thought there might be a huge audience for column about college students and the issues they face?

Mike- Go on.

He sits in his high backed, leather swivel chair. Sabrina starts to clear the boxes from one of the others.

Sabrina- Well um... For example, college life is very stressful.

Mike- You want stressful? Take a look at my last angiogram. What’s you angle?

Sabrina- Most students are up to their necks in loans, but how can they have time to study when they have to take menial jobs just to stay afloat?

Mike- So, sacrificing their future just to survive in the present? That’s er very good.

Sabrina- (Delighted) You think so?!

Mike- Yeah. So did the New York Times magazine section. They ran a piece on it six months ago.

Sabrina- Oh. Well er... how about this topic. Sex? Hot topic. Hot! Hot! Hot!

Mike- What about sex?

Sabrina- Well, most students wrestle with the pressure. I mean, morally, they may want to abstain, yet the media bombards them with a constant stream of sexual imagery.

Mike- Now that’s very timely, which is why it was on the cover of ‘Time’

Sabrina- Oh. Well er, what about any of these topics?

She pulls a sheet of paper from her folder and hands it to Mike and watches anxiously as he reads down the list.

Mike- I’ll tell you what. I like ‘em all. Unfortunately, I’ve also read them all. (Handing back the paper) This proves that you have good instincts, Sabrina. Now I want you to keep at it, okay? I’m sure that you are gonna come up with somethin’

Sabrina- You’re right, thanks.

She starts to leave but turns back.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh! I’ve got it. College students: Give ‘em a second chance and they’ll come up with somethin’?

Mike- Keep thinking.

She starts to leave again but turns back at the door.

Sabrina- College students: They keep thinking?

Mike just shakes his head and picks up his newspaper. Sabrina leaves... at last.

Run opening credits.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Professor Spellman sits at the table grading papers and Salem works studiously on his laptop while Hilda sits and works with knots and needles.

Hilda- Knit one, pearl two. Knit one, pearl two. (Singing) Knit one, pearl two, pick a bale of cotton.
Knit one, pearl two, pick a bale a day.
Knit...

Zelda- (Interrupting) Hilda, what do you think you’re doing?

Hilda- Knitting and singing folk songs... quite well, I might add. Oh, my new hobby is so relaxing.

Salem- Maybe for you, but I’m trying to concentrate on expanding my intellectual horizons.

Zelda- (Reading over Salem’s shoulder) ‘There once was a witch from Helsinki,’ who did what with her pinkie?! Salem, who’s sending you this garbage?

Salem- Nastygirl@theslammer.org. Me-ow.

Int. College house. Sabrina is working at the table on her laptop while Miles raids the fridge.

Sabrina- (Angry) Oh! I wish this airhead, Nastygirl, would stop sending me these stupid limericks.

Miles- At least you get limericks. I get letters condemning me to hell if I don’t reply immediately. Never give your e-mail address to your mother.

Sabrina- I am so close to getting my own column for the newspaper. I don’t have time to deal with this. (Typing) Dear Airhead, Stop harassing me with your annoying e-mails. They’re nothing but mindless garbage.

She sits back and hits enter, sending the e-mail.

Miles- Could you forward that to my mother?

Sabrina- Miles, I need a hook. Say I was writing and insightful, sophisticated article on sex. What would a good angle be?

Miles- Why I’m not having any.

Sabrina- Say the article was about stress?

Miles- Why I’m the poster boy for stress.

Sabrina- Suppose the story wasn’t about you?

Miles- Then you’re on your own.

He walks off to his room. Sabrina sighs and frowns and glares at her computer screen.

Int. A filthy six by six cell in the Other Realm Penitentiary. A little blonde girl in a bright orange jump-suit lies on her hard steel cot and checks her e-mails on her lap top.

Katrina- (Reading angrily) ‘Airhead’?! ‘Mindless garbage’?! I may be an evil twin, but I still have feelings. Let’s see, I could turn the other cheek, forgive and forget, or...

She reaches behind her and produces a floppy disc.

Katrina- (Cont.) ...Ruin Sabrina’s life by e-mailing her a nasty computer virus.

She slips the disc into the computer and hits ‘send’

Katrina- (Cont.) Ha! We’ll see who’s the airhead now.

Int. College house. Sabrina’s still working on her article.

Computer- E-mail.

Sabrina reads the header.

Sabrina- ‘Apologies from Nastygirl’ Good, I guess, whoever it is, got the message.

She presses enter to read the message but...

Computer- Atchoo!

Sabrina- (Startled) Wow! What was that?! Atchoo!

Sabrina’s sneeze is accompanied by a distinctly magical ping.

Sabrina- Oh my god! That was, like, so weird.

Int. A filthy six by six cell in the Other Realm Penitentiary. The orange clad nasty girl is looking extremely pleased with herself.

Katrina- They say ignorance is bliss, Sabrina, you’re about to be very very happy.

Her maniacal laugh echoes off the stark grey walls of her cell.

Int. College house. Sabrina is still sat at the table when Roxie enters.

Roxie- Spellman, you’re not going to believe what I just heard. Adams is thinking about cutting scholarships by twenty-five percent!

Sabrina- Whatever. Hey, whaddya think if I highlighted my eyebrows?

She stares at the computer screen that she’s been using as a mirror.

Roxie- Maybe you didn’t hear me. This is something that could effect my entire future.

Sabrina- Oh, and the colour of my eyebrows doesn’t effect mine? I mean, if I go even one shade too dark it could, like, totally trash all the work I’ve done with my hair!

Roxie- What’s going on with you? Did all your brains fall out of your head?

Sabrina looks round quickly to check.

Sabrina- Oh, no I don’t see any brains... Oh!

She bends down and picks up.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Although I did find a nickel. Whoo-hoo! Here, you can put that towards your college fund.

She hands over the coin.

Roxie- Thanks. Now all I need is twenty thousand more.

She scowls at Sabrina and walks off towards the bedroom.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Oh well I’ll keep looking.

Int. Spellman living room. The skit-a-skit of needle on needle is constant as Hilda, surrounded by balls of different coloured wool and various finished scarves and things, sits on the settee and knits.

Hilda- (Singing) Swing low, sweet chariot.
Coming for to carry me home.

Zelda enters rubbing at her temples.

Zelda- Hilda, shouldn’t you be carrying yourself to work?

Hilda- I’ll leave right after I finish this row. So far, I’ve made two scarves, a throw rug and oh, whatever this thing is.

Little red riding hood is sat on the chair back, but she has a furry, black face

Salem- (To Zelda) Why grandma, what big... eyes you have.

Zelda- Better to see how ridiculous you look.

Salem- Hilda’s new obsession is doing wonders for my wardrobe. (To Hilda) How’s my tube top coming?

Hilda- I’m on it.

Int. City Desk office of the Boston Citizen. Sabrina sits at her desk filing her nails and blowing her bubble gum. Mike walks up to her.

Mike- Sabrina.

Sabrina- Oh, hi Mikey

Mike- Mikey?

Sabrina- Yeah, it’s a fun nickname for Mike.

Mike- Yeah, I got that. Did you get a chance to sharpen up those ideas you were working on?

Sabrina- Actually, I’ve been working on sharpening my nails.

Mike- Mmm. Well come join us at the conference table. I think you’ll find my staff is a little better at the whole ‘give the new kid a break’ thing.

Sabrina follows Mike to the conference table.

Sabrina- Oh well, I don’t need a break yet, but maybe after the meeting.

They sit down at the table along with Josh, Connie and Eddie.

Sabrina- Hi Joshie.

Eddie- Joshie?

Mike- Yeah, it’s a er fun nickname for Josh.

Sabrina- You’re catching on.

Mike- Folks, you all know Sabrina, our intern. She’s got some ideas she wants to run by us. Be nice or you may find something weird turning up in your coffee. So Sabrina, college students and their experiences. What are some of these ideas you wanna write about?

Sabrina- Okay dokay. Well um, my first idea is... guys!

Connie- What about guys?

Sabrina- Well um, where are all the cute guys on campus? I mean, it seems like there are tons of girls who really want a cute boyfriend but there aren’t enough to go around.

Mike- So you wanna write a story about getting a cute boyfriend?

Sabrina- Well, not for me. I already have one.

Eddie- Joshie.

Josh glares at Eddie.

Connie- And your second column will be what? Ten ways to get thinner thighs?

Sabrina- Oh! I like it. Although we should do that one first because you’ll never get a cute boyfriend with fat thighs.

Josh- I think Sabrina’s just having fun with us. (To Sabrina) Come on, tell ‘em about the story you wanna write about campus security.

Sabrina- Oh! Campus security is a big problem.

Mike- How so?

Sabrina- Well, I know this girl, Pam, who’s, like, so insecure and it’s crazy because she has, like, totally great hair! It’s the colour of my eyebrows.

Eddie- I’m sorry, what’s the story about?

Sabrina- Well if Pam was more secure, she could probably get herself a cut guy!

Stunned silence is the response, especially from Joshie, who’s had is mouth open in disbelief throughout.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Should I start writing now?

Mike- Not just yet, no.

Sabrina- Okay dokay.

She gets up and walks over to the water fountain. As the meeting breaks up she waves to Joshie and jumps up and down with excitement as he comes over.

Sabrina- Proud o’ me?

Josh- Are you kidding?! You just made a fool of yourself... and you made a fool of me! Sabrina, I went out on a limb to get you this job.

Sabrina- ‘Cause I’m your girlfriend.

The sound of a strong breeze can be heard.

Josh- What is wrong with you? Am I crazy, or is there wind coming through your ears?

Sabrina- Oh, better than from someplace else. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I made a funny! He-he!

Josh- Will you knock it off! This was your big shot and you blew it. Now they’re never gonna want you as a writer. You’ll be lucky if they keep you as an intern!

Sabrina- Joshie, why are you being such a grump? I mean, maybe they liked the stuff I said.

Josh- They hated it, all right. I hated it!

Sabrina- Well I happen to think I said some really cool stuff and if you don’t think it’s cool, then maybe I don’t think your cool and if you’re not cool, then maybe I don’t wanna be with you!

Josh- (Surprised and shocked) Are you breaking up with me?

Sabrina- Okay, sure. We’re broken up. Whatever. Hey, how d’ya think I’d look with bangs?

Josh- I don’t care how you’d look with bangs!

Sabrina- That is so insensitive. No wonder we broke up. Bye bye.

She walks off and leaves the office wiggling her cute tush and popping her gum.

Int. College House. Morgan’s made a pot of tea for Harvey and herself. Sabrina enters loaded down with designer shopping bags.

Sabrina- Hey guys.

Morgan- Oh Sabrina, Josh just stopped by. He’s really worried about you. He said something about you going... (To Harvey) What was it? (To Sabrina) Oh yeah, insane.

She spots the shopping bags and dashes over.

Morgan- (Cont.) Oh Neimans.

She pulls a pair of high top boots from one of the bags.

Harvey- Josh said you broke up with him?

Sabrina- Is he still going on about that? That was hours ago.

Morgan- I love your boots!

Sabrina- And I love your blouse!

Morgan- Thanks. It was either tiger print or zebra. Harvey liked me better in a tiger (To Harvey) Grrrr.

Sabrina- Harvey, I never knew you liked tiger? You know who I like? Tiger Woods. He’s so cute. I wonder if he heard that Josh and I broke up? I should call him.

Harvey- Sabrina, are you all right? You don’t seem like yourself.

Morgan- I know. Isn’t it great?

Harvey- You know Morgan, now that I think about it, everyone is wearing tiger this year. It’s the hot seller at Walmart.

Morgan- (Horrified) Walmart?! (To Sabrina) Excuse me, I’ve got a large animal print to return.

She dashes out.

Sabrina- I love Walmart... and Kmart... all the marts. Hey, let’s go shopping.

She grabs her coat but Harvey grabs her before she can follow Morgan.

Harvey- You’re not going anywhere. I just made up that stuff so Morgan would leave.

Sabrina- (Smiling) Oh, I get it... No I don’t.

Harvey- Sabrina, I’m no expert on magic, but it looks to me like you’re under a spell.

Sabrina- Spell?

Harvey- You’re a witch, remember?

Sabrina- Oh-my-Gosh! You’re right!

She points and zaps up a designer hand bag in a swirl of sparkles.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey, I never have to go shopping again. Do you want a car or something?

Harvey- Sabrina, I think we need to go for a little drive.

He takes her by the arm and leads her to the door.

Sabrina- Okay then, a car it is. I feel like a Porsche.

She points at the door and when Harvey opens it he finds his car has had an upgrade.

Harvey- I don’t drive a stick.

Sabrina- You do now.

She points at him and with a silly grin walks off to the car. Harvey shrugs and follows.

Int. Spellman living room. It looks like a bombs gone off in it. A wool bomb. Everywhere is littered with woollen products, Hats scarves, sweaters, socks, leg warmers, you name it, it’s there and judging by the skit-a-skit of needles, so is Hilda. Zelda enters.

Zelda- Oh good lord! (Calling up stairs) Hilda! Hilda, we need to talk!

Hilda- (Muffled) I’m right here.

She looks down at the large pile of maroon wool on the arm chair and spots a pair of eyes looking out and lower down a pair of hands industriously knitting away.

Zelda- This has gone far enough. I demand that you stop, on behalf of sheep everywhere.

Hilda- What are you getting so worked up about?

Zelda- Your new hobby has become a pathology. You’re addicted to knitting.

Hilda- Zellie, I knit because it relaxes me. I can stop anytime I want to.

Zelda- Look at you! You are knitting alone! You are hiding balls of yarn under yarn cosies! You’ve knitted yourself into a woollen pod! You are a knitaholic! A knitfomaniac! A knit-wit!

Hilda- A knit-wit? That’s cute. I’m going to knit that on a pillow.

Zelda slaps her forehead in frustration as her day takes yet another nose dive. Harvey enters guiding Sabrina before him.

Sabrina- Hi!

Zelda- Sabrina? Harvey? What brings you here?

Sabrina- Harvey’s new car. It’s awesome.

Harvey- I think Sabrina’s under some kind of spell. She’s acting really weird.

Hilda, The pod lady- Define weird?

Harvey frowns at the pile of Maroon wool that talks.

Zelda- Well there’s only one way to find out. Sabrina dear, put your finger on your nose, balance on one foot and say ‘Ah’

Sabrina raises her finger to her nose while raising her foot. She wobbles precariously and has a little trouble finding her nose but eventually succeeds and lets out a triumphant...

Sabrina- Aaaaah!

Zelda- Interesting.

Sabrina- Oh aunt Zelda, this game is fun. Okay, um, touch your elbow, put your leg behind your neck and say ‘Weee!’

Zelda- (To Harvey) Harvey, I think she may have some sort of airhead virus. (To Hilda) Hilda, what do you think?

There’s no response other than the clickety-click of knitting needles.

Zelda- (Cont.)(Shouting) Hilda! What do you think?

Hilda- (Muffled) I’m sorry, I was knitting. (Standing up) Phew! Is it hot in here or is it just me?

Harvey- I’ve never seen Sabrina like this before. What are we gonna do?

Zelda- First thing we’re gonna do is an intervention. Harvey, I may need a hand. (To Hilda) Hilda, that’s it! I’m taking away your needles.

She snatches the knitting from her sister

Hilda- Hey?!

Zelda- Your niece is in trouble and needs your help!

She takes up a loose length of yarn and gives an end to Harvey.

Zelda- (Cont.) Harvey, on the count of three pull. One. Two. Three!

They both pull and the pod unravels sending it’s occupant into a spin. By the time Hilda stops, all the woollen cocoon is disassembled.

Hilda- Whoa! I guess I can skip spinning class.

Int. Spellman dinning room. Zelda gives Sabrina a check over. She looks into her ear and sees only Hilda who’s looking in the other ear. There’s nothing at all in the middle.

Zelda- It’s just as I feared.

Her voice echoes round the cavity.

Hilda- What is it?

Zelda- Sabrina’s head is completely empty. That airhead virus must have drained her of all her substance.

Hilda takes another peek into Sabrina’s ear. The strong breeze blowing through blows her hair back.

Hilda- Oh! This cross breeze is so refreshing.

Zelda- Sabrina, have you opened any unusual e-mails lately?

Sabrina- No-no, not really. Oh, although there was this one about a witch from Helsinki who did the strangest thing with her pinkie... I didn’t really understand it.

Hilda- I didn’t get it at first either, but here’s how I see it...

Zelda- (Interrupting) Hilda! That e-mail was from theslammer.org. The Other Realm prison.

Harvey- Why would someone in an Other Realm prison wanna hurt Sabrina? Who would be so evil?

Hilda and Zelda stare at each other without any doubt as to who is so evil.

Int. A filthy six by six cell in the Other Realm Penitentiary. Katrina sits cross-legged on her cot typing on her laptop in a creative mode.

Katrina- (Typing) There once was a witch from East Venus...

Suddenly she’s not alone. Zelda has arrived in a burst of sparkles.

Zelda- Katrina, you evil thing!

Katrina- Thank you.

Zelda- How could you turn my niece into an idiot?

Katrina- I just hit enter. It was a snap.

She snaps her fingers.

Zelda- Well you’re not gonna get away with this.

Katrina- Oh yeah? And who’s gonna stop me?

Zelda- The smartest and, according to many, the most beautiful witch in any realm.

The cell door opens and the guard ushers in another bright orange and blonde combination into the cramped cell. There’s a marked resemblance to Zelda except for the outrageous peroxide blonde Dolly Parton perm.

Jezabelda- Was somebody askin’ fer me?

Zelda- Jezabelda, I thought you would have worked your way up to solitary by now.

Jezabelda- Stick around a while longer, you’ll be the reason I get there.

Zelda- I’d love to trade threats but I’m here on urgent business. (To Katrina) Katrina, I need the antidote for that airhead virus!

Katrina just turns away and keeps her mouth firmly shut.

Jezabelda- So that’s the problem. You do seem a little more dumber than last time.

Zelda- I’m not more dumber; Sabrina’s more dumber... And there’s no such thing as ‘More dumber’!

Katrina- Well guess what brainiac, there is no antidote. Looks like you came all this way for nothing, unless you wanna stay for lunch. It’s taco Thursday.

Jezabelda- There’s only one way to give Sabrina back her substance.

Katrina- Don’t tell her!

Jezabelda- I wont... unless she should happen to zap me some of my very favourite Mary Kay products. I’d just kill for some lip liner.

Katrina- You already did.

Zelda- I hate bribes but this is an emergency.

Zapity doo-dah! And Jezabelda’s cot is liberally sprinkled in cosmetics.

Jezabelda- (Excited) Oh my favourite! Tallahassee tope.

Katrina- You wouldn’t betray me. Evil twins stick together.

Jezabelda- No they don’t, they sell each other out in a heart beat. (To Zelda) If Sabrina wants to get back her substance, she has to relearn all of life’s lessons and she has to do it by daybreak tomorro’ Or she’ll be a pea brain the rest o’ her born days.

Katrina- You cheap tramp!

Jezabelda- Not any more! I got me my Mary Kay Spring sampler.

Zelda- And I got me my antidote... I’ve gotta get me out o’ here while my IQ still has three digits... well, actually four.

She points at herself and vanishes.

Int. Spellman living room. Harvey and Hilda have found a new and fun way to use knitted scarves. They’ve threaded one through Sabrina’s ears and are pulling it backwards and forwards. Sabrina stands oblivious and vacant.

Hilda- I knew this scarf would come in handy someday.

Zelda arrives back.

Zelda- Okay, I’ve got the antidote. We have a lot of work to do. First: Get that scarf out of Sabrina’s head.

Harvey let’s go and Hilda pulls the scarf all the way through.

Zelda- (Cont.) Second: (To Sabrina) We have to play a little game

Sabrina- Ooo! Like the other game where I stand on one foot and touch my nose?

Zelda- No. This game is called ‘We put everything you used to know back into your head and you commit it to memory and then apply it to every waking moment of your daily life.’

Sabrina- Pooee! Can’t we play Kerplunk!?

Hilda- Oh I love Kerplunk!

Zelda picks up a cushion from the settee and bonks her sister on the head.

Zelda- Kerplunk!

Hilda- (Straightening her hair) That is not how you play.

Later. Zelda paces back and forth while Sabrina sits between Hilda and Harvey on the settee. Salem is on the chair back.

Zelda- Sabrina, in order to be a person of substance one must exercise rational thought, but never at the expense of human emotion.

Sabrina- Do I get to, like, buy railroads or something?

Hilda- Maybe we should start with something simple. (To Sabrina) Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Harvey- A penny saved is a penny earned.

Salem- Don’t eat yellow snow. (On everybody’s look) What?

Later. Zelda’s got out the chalkboard and is in full professor mode. The board is full of diagrams and notes.

Zelda- ...To ensure that our democracy functions properly we need a system of checks and...?

Sabrina- ...Credit cards!

Hilda enters from the kitchen having made up a plate of sandwiches.

Zelda- Checks and balances!

Hilda- Hey, is that how they came up with the expression ‘Balancing your cheque book’?

Zelda- No. (Under her breath) She’s not even under a spell.

She rubs her forehead and turns back to the chalkboard.

Zelda- Now, where were we?

Sabrina- Talking about the government and our system of checks and balances.

Harvey- Wow! Something actually made it through!

He raps her on the head with his knuckles and there is no longer that hollow ring to it.

Zelda- Excellent! It’s time to seize the moment!

Hilda- (Holding out her plate of sandwiches) But first we eat. Dibs on the egg salad.

Zelda throws her arms up as Harvey and Sabrina dig in.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Morgan’s on shift - Her apron protecting her zebra print blouse - and she walks over to the moody guy sat on his own to refill his coffee cup.

Josh- Morgan, I don’t get it. It’s like Sabrina’s a completely different person.

Morgan- Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

Josh- Hey, I liked the Sabrina I knew.

Morgan- Well maybe the Sabrina you knew wasn’t the real Sabrina. Maybe she needed time to get comfortable with you before showing her true self?

Josh- Yeah, but how does a person suddenly go from being intelligent and thoughtful to being a total airhead?

Morgan- She’s not an airhead! She’s just embracing the material things in life, which strikes me as very healthy.

Josh- So you’re saying the real Sabrina’s just like you?

Morgan- Just like me. Anything else I can get for you?

Josh- A bucket.

Int. Spellman living room. Professor Spellman is still in teacher mode hours later. Harvey and Hilda look exhausted but Sabrina looks wide awake.

Zelda- The mesozoic era was...?

Sabrina- The third era of geological time including the Triassic, Jurassic and Cretaceous periods?

Zelda- Excellent!

Harvey- The early bird...?

Sabrina- Catches the worm?

Hilda- Chilli today...?

Sabrina- Hot tomalley!

Zelda- Sabrina, I think you’ve got your substance back. Now you just have to be able to use it to get your life in order. How are you feeling, honey?

Sabrina- Everything’s starting to make sense again... except for one thing. Why is Salem wearing a tube top?

Salem- It provides support where I need it most.

Ext. Spellman front porch. Sabrina comes out of the house with Harvey.

Sabrina- Hey, thanks for figuring out there was something wrong and knowing where to take me. I owe you one.

Harvey- How about zapping me back my old car? I don’t want Morgan to like me for my Turbo Carrera.

Sabrina- No problem.

She flicks her finger out.

Sabrina- (Cont.) There, your eighty-six Toyota Corolla.

Harvey- Think you could pop out the dent?

Sabrina- You got it.

She zaps again.

Int. The City Desk office of the Boston Citizen. Sabrina enters and immediately spots Josh.

Sabrina- Hey Josh, I’m glad you're here. I’m sure you’ve been wondering what’s going on with me.

Josh- Me! Me! Me! You know, Morgan’s right. You are turning into her.

Sabrina- Josh, I...

Mike- (Interrupting) Hey lover-boy, We’re getting started. Front and centre.

Josh leaves Sabrina and goes to join Mike, Connie and Eddie at the conference table. Sabrina goes to her desk.

Connie- How about a piece on vermin in restaurants.

Mike- I don’t know. Y’see, one mans vermin is another mans stir-fry. What else have we got?

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Excuse me! I don’t mean to interrupt, but I have an idea for a story.

Connie- I don’t know how you can top guys and thighs?

Sabrina- Look, I want to apologies for my behaviour yesterday. I had a really weird virus that, for some reason, made me act like a total airhead, and who would want to publish stories written by an airhead?

Mike- We wouldn’t.

Sabrina- And you shouldn’t. I just want you to know that the person you saw yesterday wasn’t the real me. I take my job very seriously and I appreciate the opportunity to be around professionals like you, even if it’s just to get your coffee.

Mike- Very well spoken. I’ll tell you what. If you can write half as well as you can apologies, there may be hope for you yet. Now, what’s this idea you have?

Sabrina- (Sitting at the table) Well, it’s not exactly a college article but it’s something that’s been on my mind. The three branches of government. Is our system of checks and balances really working?

Mike- I love that! And if ‘US News’ hadn’t just done it, I’m sure yours would have been much better.

Sabrina- I’ve gotta get myself to a magazine rack.

She gets up, grabs her coat and leaves.

Later. Sabrina’s back and is clearing away the used coffee mugs from the conference table when Josh comes over.

Josh- Hey.

Sabrina- (Surprised) Hey!

Josh- That was quite a little speech you made to the staff.

Sabrina- Oh, well I was hoping one specific staff member would find it in his heart to forgive me?

Josh- Yeah, Mike said you’re back on his ‘A’ list.

Sabrina- You know what I mean.

Josh- Well you do seem to be over your princess phase.

Sabrina- Josh, I’m sorry I was so stupid. I never meant to brake up with you.

Josh pulls out a chair and sits. Sabrina sits on the edge of the table.

Josh- Yes, well I guess everybody does stupid things now and then. Did I ever tell you about the time I ordered suchi in a truck stop?

Sabrina- I was with you! I drove you to the emergency room.

Josh- Yeah. Real crab my eye.

Sabrina- Josh, can we forget about the fish? I think you were about to forgive me.

Josh- I do forgive you. But please promise me, if you ever get one of these weird viruses again, you’ll call in sick?

Sabrina- I promise.

She leans forward for a kiss but.

Josh- Oh, one other thing. Never ever call me Joshie.

Sabrina- That could be a deal breaker.

He pulls her from the desk onto his lap and she throws her arms about his shoulders.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Or not.

It’s smoochies in the office time and Sabrina is a happy little witch.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Sabrina sits at the table in front of her laptop while Zelda clears away the plates from dinner. Salem lies bloated on the counter top and Hilda indulges in her latest hobby.

Hilda- Well needle point has really helped me kick my knitting habit. I don’t miss it at all.

Salem- I, on the other hand, am still owed a cod piece!

Sabrina- And I’m back to getting flooded with annoying e-mails, but, from now on, I’m not gonna respond.

Zelda- That’s a good idea. You never know when there might be an evil twin on the other end.

Sabrina- That’s one thing mortals don’t have to deal with.

Hilda- On the other hand, they can’t make pudding on command.

She points at the table and once the pyrotechnics and smoke has cleared there sits chocolate pudding.

Sabrina- And they can’t use magic to teach their evil twins a lesson.

She hits send with an evil little grin of her own on her face.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I just sent Katrina a ‘Kill them with kindness’ spell.

Int. A filthy six by six cell in the Other Realm Penitentiary. Katrina’s time just got harder. She’s kneeling at Jezabelda’s feet giving her a pedicure.

Katrina- Jezabelda, you’re the smart one, you’re the beautiful one.

Jezabelda- Oh, you are too kind.

Katrina- I know. (Under her breath) I’ll get you for this, Sabrina.

Run credits