DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. College house. Miles is sat on the settee watching TV as Sabrina comes from her room swinging her bag onto her shoulder.
They grab their coats and leave.
Run opening credits.
Int. College house. Sabrina returns to find Miles is back before her and making himself a salad lunch.
She hands Miles a book.
Sabrina gives him her stern ‘mom’ stare and points to his room. Miles buckles under the glare and retreats.
Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Morgan is hard at work drinking coffee and reading a magazine with her feet up on the table while Hilda watches the counter. Zelda enters looking flustered and bustles over to her sister.
Morgan regrets drawing attention to herself as she reluctantly puts down the mag and gets to her feet.
Zelda looks at Hilda and gets out her pocket book.
One minute later.
Zelda’s clearly impressed.
She hands over a house key and leaves.
She gets back to work as Morgan tosses the key in the air with a happy grin.
Int. College house. Miles arrives home all excited waving his test paper about. Roxie is the only one there for him to share his joy with.
He drops to his knees at her feet.
She heads for the door with Miles on her heels.
Int. Spellman living room. Zelda and Hilda arrive home and notice things are slightly different.
Morgan enters from the kitchen with a tray of hors d’ouvres.
Hilda scowls at her sister as Morgan offers her tray.
She leaves them with the tray and goes back into the kitchen.
Int. College house. Sabrina’s doing some course work on her laptop when Roxie enters looking pleased with herself.
The door opens and Miles enters not looking very pleased and with his hair dishevelled and windswept.
Roxie goes off to the settee.
Int. Sabrina’s car, a metallic maroon Saturn, Miles is at the wheel and feeling relaxed and in control.
Reluctantly Miles turns the key and the engine fires up and he reverses out of the drive.
Later, they’re driving sedately down the road.
Miles turns on the window washers.
Later. Miles is stopped at a stop sign. Horns honk behind them.
Miles closes his eyes and puts his foot down.
Later. Sabrina has calmed down and is actually starting to relax again.
Miles does as he’s told although she should have suggested that he does it where there aren’t any trash cans.
He gets out of the car to sort out his mess.
She points at him as he gets back into the car to activate her incantation.
The change is marked. He turns on the stereo, slips on some shades and burns a little rubber as he pulls away. He waves at a passing girl looking totally laid back and chilled out.
Fortunately he’d slowed way down to get a better look and both he and Sabrina had their seatbelts on.
Sabrina- Hitting a car in front of you?
Miles- Oh my God! Sabrina, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?
Sabrina- Yeah I’m fine. Y’know I tighten my seatbelt back at the church where you nearly sideswiped that Monsignor. I’d better go over there and make sure she’s okay.
She gets out of the car with her insurance details to hand and walks round to the drivers side of the grey Cadillac they’ve run into.
Sabrina- (Cont.)(Under her breath) Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay.
The woman gets out of her car. She’s a big girl, a full head taller than Sabrina with long brown hair. Sabrina’s a little intimidated by her.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Wow! Are you okay?
Mary Jo- I’m fine. Nothing to worry about. I didn’t mean to stop so suddenly but there was this little puppy crossing the road and don’t you just love little puppies?
Sabrina- If you do, I do.
Mary Jo- Are you two okay?
Sabrina- Yeah, we’re fine. I was just teaching my friend, Miles, how to drive. I’m Sabrina Spellman, the owner of the vehicle.
Mary Jo- (Shaking Sabrina’s hand) I’m Mary Jo Ponder, nice to meet you.
She lets go of Sabrina’s hand and goes to check if there’s any damage while Sabrina checks if there’s any damage been done to her hand.
Sabrina- (Under her breath) Aw!
Mary Jo- From what I can see, everything looks all right. Just in case, we should probably exchange information.
Sabrina- No problem.
They do just that.
Sabrina- (Cont.) No harm done. I’m really sorry about this, Mary Jo.
Mary Jo- Hey, sometimes accidents just can’t be avoided. (Handing Sabrina back her card) There ya go. Drive safely.
Sabrina goes back to the passenger side of her car only to find Miles already ensconced there breathing deeply.
Sabrina- Miles, what are you doing in the passenger seat?
Miles- Hyperventilating.
Sabrina- Obviously that confidence spell wore off.
Miles- Confidence spell?
Sabrina- ...Yeah. Er for a spell there you were lookin’ pretty confident. Now get over there and get back in the saddle.
Miles- Could you please not mention saddles? I fell off a pony when I was six, I haven’t been on a merry-go-round since.
They swap over seats.
Sabrina- (Under her breath) Glad I didn’t know you as a child.
Ext. Spellman front porch. Hilda and Zelda are, once again, home from a hard day’s work.
Hilda- I can’t wait to sink my tush into the couch and enjoy the little surprises Morgan has in store for us tonight.
She opens the door.
Int. Spellman living room. The sisters enter to find that things have changed since they left that morning. They look around at the almost bare room. There is no couch for the sinking of tushes, in fact, no seats of any kind. The piano is still there but pushed into the corner and there are a few sideboards in evidence.
Hilda- Not exactly the surprise I had in mind.
Zelda- (Calling out) Morgan! Where’s our furniture?
Morgan enters carrying a plastic trash bin.
Morgan- Well I was going to send it straight to Good Will, but then I realised, those hideous patterns are nothing a little reupholstering wont cure.
Zelda- You sent our furniture to be recovered without even asking us?
Morgan- Why should great minds be bogged down with little decisions?
She sweeps some family heirlooms from one of the sideboards into the trash bin.
Zelda- Well I would hardly call emptying our living room a little decision.
She takes the trash bin from Morgan, recovers the ornaments and hands them to Hilda.
Zelda- (Cont.) In the future we would like you to notify us before undertaking such an endeavour. Right Hilda?
Hilda- (Snapping out of her amazement) I’m sorry, I was still going over the part about our great minds.
Morgan takes the trash bin from Zelda.
Morgan- Note taken and filed. Now, how about a nice chilled glass of champagne?
Hilda- (Excited) Did you hear that Zellie? Champagne!
Zelda- Well I do have papers to grade, but I guess one little glass of bubbly wouldn’t hurt.
Morgan- Your wish is my command.
She takes the ornament from Hilda’s hand and drops it back in the trash bin before leaving.
Int. College house. Sabrina, Roxie and Miles are hanging out when the doorbell rings. Sabrina answers it and finds a man stood with a pretty bouquet of flowers.
Delivery Guy- Is there a Sabrina Spellman here?
Sabrina- (Delighted) Is there ever. Sabrina Spellman at your service.
She reaches for tulips but, with a wicked grin, he pulls them out reach and slips an envelope into her outstretched hands.
Delivery Guy- Actually, you’re the one being served.
He turns and leaves.
Sabrina- (Calling after) Hey! Where are you going with my tulips!
Dejectedly she closes the door.
Sabrina- (Cont.) What did he mean, we’re being served?
Miles takes the half opened envelope out of her fingers and finishes the job.
Miles- (Reading) Notice to the defendant, Sabrina Spellman. You are being sued by plaintive, Mary Jo Ponder...
Sabrina takes it from him.
Sabrina- (Reading) For causing her extensive bodily injury?! This doesn’t make any sense! When we left Mary Jo she said everything was fine!
Miles- Well Sabrina, as someone who’s familiar with physical ailments I can tell you that it often takes twenty-four hours for pain to set in.
Sabrina- I don’t believe this! She seemed so nice.
Roxie- She served you with a summons!
Miles- It’s all my fault! It’s the Goodman family curse. We’re just not meant to be behind a wheel.
Roxie- Will you stop making this about you! Sabrina the one being sued!
Sabrina- For two million dollars, if anybody’s interested.
Int. Spellman living room. And I say living in a very loose sense of the word. Hilda and Zelda have made a little effort. They’ve brought in a folding table and chair and thrown an old beanbag on the floor. Hilda puts an old lamp on the table.
Hilda- There! It’s not exactly Martha Stewart’s living but at least we have somewhere to sit. Oh! I call the beanbag chair!
She falls into it as Morgan comes in from the dinning room.
Morgan- Sorry about the inconvenience, but they Fed Ex’d me a swatch of the couch fabric this morning and it was completely unacceptable! I’m having them redo the whole thing.
Zelda- Morgan, I’m not sure how long we can live this way.
Morgan- Not to worry. I’ve told them that if that furniture was not finished by Monday, they’d regret the day they learned to sew. Believe you, me, those nuns in France are stitching faster than they can say hail Mary.
Hilda- I can’t think about this now. Tomorrow is Wayne’s birthday and I have to buy him a gift.
Morgan- Already taken care of. I delivered it myself this morning and I think you will be very impressed with how closely I matched your signature on the card.
Hilda- (Stunned) You bought my boyfriend’s birthday gift and forged my signature?!
Morgan- No need to thank me, it’s what you pay me for. Oh, and I added a little personal note as well.
Zelda- Morgan, you have really crossed the line!
The phone rings.
Hilda- (Angry) You think!
She answers the persistent ring of the phone.
Hilda- (On phone) Hello? Oh hi Wayne... You loved the gift and you can’t wait to try it out on me... I’m sure it will be fun... I guess… Bye-bye.
She hangs up the phone.
Morgan- (Grinning) I told you he’d love it.
Zelda- Morgan, just out of curiosity, what did you get President Banning?
Morgan- I don’t want to spoil the surprise. (To Hilda) Oh but be sure to bring a top hat and a whisk.
Int. College house. Sabrina gets herself a cold drink from the fridge and confides her problems in the font of all knowledge.
Sabrina- I’ve really done it this time, Salem. I’ve ruined Mary Jo’s life! I mean, I crippled a woman!
Salem- Oh p-lease! This is the oldest trick in the book. The woman’s a scam artist, a con, a sponger who makes her living preying on the naivety of others. So, is she single?
Sabrina- Salem, Mary Jo has a doctors diagnosis confirming she has multiple injuries.
Salem- And I’ve got a degree from Harvard confirming I’m a marine biologist! Fact is, if we popped over to Mary Jo’s unannounced, you’d find her doing the hockey-pokey.
Int. Mary Jo’s bedroom. Mary Jo isn’t shaking anything about as she lies on her bed in a neck brace while Sabrina holds a cup to her mouth with a straw. Salem peeps out from Sabrina’s shoulder bag.
Mary Jo- Aw! Aw! I get a shooting pain down my arms every time I blink.
Sabrina- (Aside to Salem) Not exactly the hockey-pokey.
Mary Jo- Could you do me a favour and get my pain pills please?
Sabrina places the cup into Mary Jo’s hand.
Sabrina- There you go.
She then walks across the room to retrieve the pills.
Sabrina- (To Salem) See Salem, you were all wrong about Mary Jo.
Salem- P-lease! Any amateur can throw a brace around her neck and lie in a bed, but it takes a professional to get her up and movin’. Watch and learn.
Before Sabrina has a chance to stop him he jumps down from the bag, bound over to the bed and up onto Mary Jo. His claws sink in but she just lies there helpless and takes it.
Mary Jo- Arrrrghh! Aaahh! Argh!
Sabrina swoops in quickly and lifts Salem off.
Mary Jo- (Cont.) Your cat clawed me, I could have bled to death. I’m adding that to my lawsuit!
Sabrina- Glad you’re feeling better. Gotta go.
She heads for the door with Salem in her arms.
Sabrina- See? I told you Mary Jo was really hurt.
Int. Mary Jo’s garage. Salem sits on a heater looking over the badly damaged Cadillac.
Salem- And you also told me you barely tapped her vehicle. This thing looks like it was hit by a Sherman tank!
Sabrina stares open mouthed at the crumpled rear end.
Sabrina- But it didn’t look like this the day of the accident! If you don’t believe me, ask him.
She gestures towards the Cadillac.
Salem- Sure. Right after I ask that Weed-Whacker where I can find good deli.
Sabrina- I, on the other hand, can have this car talking in no time.
She points at the hood of the Cadillac and gives it a zap of sparkles. Salem chuckles as there is clearly no result. She zaps it again with a frown.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, so I can’t get the car to talk, but I can get some advice from some Other Realm car talk experts.
She climbs into the front seat of the car.
Salem- Click and Clack! I love those guys. Much funnier than Frick and Frack.
Sabrina zaps the radio into life.
Caller- Anyway, my husbands getting the Mercedes in the divorce and all I’m getting is a Rally magic carpet with five hundred thousand miles!
Click- Sounds like what you should get is a new lawyer. Let’s take another call. Sabrina Spellman, you’re on the Other Realm car talk with Click and Clack, the tappet brothers. What’s up baby?
Sabrina- I’ve got a car that I can’t get to talk.
Click- Count your blessings girl, I’ve got a brother who won’t shut up. Ha-ha!
Clack- Well what kind of a car are we talking about here. Sabrina?
Sabrina- Er, a Sedan Deville.
Click- You sound a little young for a land yacht, I mean, what colour is your hair? It’s not blue is it? Ha-ha!
Clack- What year is that Deville? Because, you know, they changed the incantation on the ninety-ones.
Sabrina- Er, It looks like a ninety-one.
Click- Well that could be it. All right, look, here’s what ya do. Tap on the hood three times then you say this. Cars are great ‘cause ya don’t have to walk, but they’re even better when they talk. You got that?
Sabrina- Got it.
Clack- And when you’ve done that, walk around the car and sniff the right front wheel.
Sabrina- Sniff the wheel? What’s that for?
Click- That’s er, for our amusement. Ha-ha!
Sabrina zaps them off and gets out of the car. She walks round the front and taps three times on the hood.
Sabrina- Cars are great because you don’t have to walk, but they’re even better when they talk.
She points at the car to activate the incantation.
Mary Jo’s Car- Hey Blondie, nice gams.
Sabrina- Gams? I thought you were a ninety-one, not a forty-six? So what’s the deal, after the accident all you had was a scratch and now your whole rear ends a mess?
Mary Jo’s Car- I can’t say
Sabrina- Sure you can. What are you afraid of?
Mary Jo’s Car- Have you seen Mary Jo? The woman can crush me with her bare hands!
Sabrina- Is that what she did to your trunk?
Mary Jo’s Car- My grill is sealed.
Sabrina- Y’know, for a full sized sedan, you’ve got the spine of a golf cart!
Mary Jo’s Car- D’you think I like living like this?! I was hoping to be a classic some day, but that broad’s got me in an accident every week!
Sabrina- She does?
Mary Jo’s Car- She sees some fictitious animal, slams on my breaks and then, if I’m not wrecked enough, she backs me into a brick wall!
Sabrina- Oh, so she did this on purpose to collect the insurance money.
Salem- Hmmm, where have we heard that theory before?
Sabrina- (To the car) Well she’s not gonna be pulling this scam anymore. I’ll just have you explain the truth to the lawyers and the insurance company.
Salem- Great idea! And I, the talking cat, will be exhibit B.
Sabrina- So much for proof.
Mary Jo’s Car- Wow, the cat talks! Freaky.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda are ready to leave for work and their PA, Morgan, is helping them on their way.
Morgan- Okay ladies. Here are your schedules, here your lunches and here are your three PM snacks.
Hilda- How come I get an apple and she gets that big old hunk o’ cheese?
Morgan- Because Zelda needs the protein and you need the fibre.
Hilda- (Impressed) Boy, you really are on top of things, aren’t you? (To Zelda) I had no idea how liberating it would be not to have to make any personal decisions.
Zelda- Tell me about it. I don’t know how we ever managed without her.
She starts to tie her scarf around her neck but Morgan stops her.
Morgan- Oh, Zelda, how many times do I have to tell you? Scarf goes on the left!
Zelda- Oh of course, of course! My better side.
Morgan- And remember, chin up, shoulders high...
Morgan, Zelda & Hilda- ...keeps the gentlemen coming bye.
Hilda and Zelda grab their respective lunches and leave.
Int. College house. Lunch is less well thought out as both Sabrina and Miles help themselves to a slice of pizza.
Miles- And, exactly, who was this person who told you Mary Jo was a faker?
Sabrina- Let’s just say, someone close to her was kind of a motor mouth. Anyway, there’s got to be some way to prove Mary Jo was a fraud.
Roxie- I’ve got a cousin in Jersey that could get her out o’ that brace... or into some concrete.
Miles- That wouldn’t prove Mary Jo was guilty.
Roxie- In my scenario, that wouldn’t really matter.
The phone rings and Roxie answers.
Roxie- (On phone) Hello?... Can I tell Sabrina who’s calling?... Sedan who?... Sedan Deville? Very funny, and I’m I. P. Freely.
Sabrina rushes over and pulls the receiver from Roxie’s hands.
Sabrina- (To Roxie) That’s disgusting. (On phone) Hello, this is Sabrina.
Mary Jo’s Car- It’s me. I just dropped Mary Jo off at Silverman’s Gym on Dickens. It could be an opportunity, if you catch my drift.
Sabrina- Gotcha!
She starts to put the phone down but quickly puts it back to her ear.
Sabrina- (On phone) And why is this an opportunity?
Mary Jo’s Car- Because, if you see her and she slips up with her little invalid routine…
Sabrina- (Interrupting) I could catch her in the act. Good plan Sedan. You know, you American cars have really improved.
Int. Silverman’s Gym on Dickens. A man doing bench presses is being spotted by another guy, Ivan. Sabrina enters and taps Ivan on the shoulder.
Sabrina- Excuse me, I need some help.
Ivan turns and sees the cute little blonde chick, forgetting about the guy he’s spotting until his cry for help reminds him. He quickly lifts the weight from his chest and sets it in the rack.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh, Sorry. I’m looking for someone names Mary Jo Ponder. Do you know her?
Ivan- Oh everybody know Mary Jo. She’s er held every weight lifting record in this gym for the last ten years. Then she had the accident.
He gestures over to where Mary Jo is stood propped up on crutches, still wearing the neck brace.
Ivan- (Cont.) Just look at that poor thing, suffering over there.
A guy drapes a towel over Mary Jo’s shoulder.
Mary Jo- Aw!
Sabrina- (Under her breath) That lawsuit money will help her ease the pain!
Ivan walks off leaving Sabrina looking over at Mary Jo.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Well if she has that many records, I’m guessing she’s gonna want to hold on to them.
She dashes off to the girls locker room.
Int. Silverman’s Gym, Girls locker room. Sabrina enters, has a quick check around before pointing to herself. A swirl of sparkles envelops her and clears to leave a marked change in her. For a start there’s the black wig which sets off her bull neck nicely. Her physique and musculature are now those of a weight lifter… or a terminator.
Int. Silverman’s Gym. Olga waddles in on thighs so thick they have to swing round each other and flexes her shoulder muscles. People notice.
Ivan- Wow! Who are you?
Olga- (In a bad Russian accent) I’m Olga Spellmanovich, Vorld class veight lifter. Now shut up, you are sucking all the oxygen out of the room.
Ivan- (Aside to Mary Jo) Mary Jo, check it out. It looks like you’ve got some serious competition.
They watch Olga load more and more weights onto the bar. She gets under it and bench presses them easily.
Mary Jo- Gimme a break! I could bench press that with my toe. (On Ivan’s look) I mean, if I was feeling better.
They continue to watch Olga clean and jerk two hundred pounds.
Ivan- Unbelievable. I’ve never seen anyone lift that much weight before.
Olga- Olga’s not anyone. I’m the best.
Mary Jo- Oh please! I could lift twice that much.
Olga- Talk is cheap! Besides, look at me, I’m in great shape and look at your arms. I’ve seen toothpicks with more definition.
The guys around laugh until Mary Jo glares at them.
Mary Jo- You’d kill to be in the shape that I’m in.
Olga- Oh please. You’re just a leetle girly-girl.
Mary Jo throws her crutches aside and rips off the neck brace.
Mary Jo- I’ll so you who’s a girly-girl!
She swaggers over to another weight bar and lifts it over her head. Everyone applauds as she lowers it again.
Olga- Oh, that’s incredible.
Mary Jo- Who’s in great shape now?
Olga- I’d say...
She whips off her black wig and grins.
Sabrina- ...Still me!
Mary Jo- (Shocked) Sabrina?
Sabrina- I’ve been working out, but one thing that’s not gonna work out is you suing me since a room full of people just watched you lifting four hundred pounds.
Mary Jo- (Admitting defeat) Five hundred!
Sabrina- Whatever girly-girl.
She picks up her weight one handed to the amazement of all in the gym.
Int. Spellman living room. Morgan is ready dressed in a puce, velour jogging suit with matching baseball cap. She blows her whistle and shouts up the stairs.
Morgan- Hilda! Zelda! Let’s go! It’s time for our walk.
Zelda comes hurrying down stairs dressed in an identical outfit.
Zelda- Sorry I’m late. It took longer than I anticipated to perform the skin regimen you posted on my bathroom mirror. It’s so involved.
Morgan- But so worth it. I have to say, I’m very pleased. You and Hilda have come so far.
Zelda- Exactly where are we going?
Hilda enters from the kitchen wearing exactly the same as the other two. They all look each other up and down.
Hilda- Cute outfit.
Zelda- Oh-My-God! Morgan, you are turning us into you!
Morgan- Oh that’s still gonna take some time, but we’re getting there. Now who’s gonna lead us on our little hike today?
She walks to the front door and leads them out.
Zelda- The only one taking a hike today is you! You’re fired!
She closes the door on Morgan shutting her out. Morgan bangs futilely on the door.
Hilda- I’m not sure what just went on here, but I’m definitely keeping the hat.
Int. College house. Miles watches a witch doing something amazing with a broomstick… sweeping the floor.
Miles- So the entire lawsuit’s been dropped?
Sabrina- That’s right. Mary Jo’s been charged with fraud and you no longer have to feel guilty about ruining a woman’s life. Or, as my friend Olga would say, (In a bad Russian accent) that veight can now be lifted off you shoulders.
She clean and jerks her broom for emphasis.
Miles- What a relief. I can now tool around guilt free. Er-er, which reminds me, Sabrina. I was wondering, provided it was not too much of an inconvenience...
Sabrina- (Interrupting) Yes Miles.
She tosses him her car keys.
Sabrina- (Cont.) You can borrow my car.
With a smile, he coolly slips on his shades as he heads for the door.
Ext. College house, later. Miles parks up Sabrina’s car as she comes out.
Sabrina- Hey. So how was your first trip driving solo?
Miles- I never thought I’d say this but I love driving! I’m a natural. And I owe it all to you. Thanks Sabrina.
He gives her the keys back and heads for the house.
Sabrina- (Calling after) And I never doubted you for a second! (To her car) All right, so how’d he do?
She points at the car giving it a kiss of sparkles.
Sabrina’s Car- That guy drives mike a maniac! My tyres are still shaking, my shocks are in shock. Promise you’ll never let him drive me again!
Sabrina- What’s in it for me?
Sabrina’s Car- Working breaks.
Sabrina- Deal!
Run credits.
