Total Sabrina Live!
Written By Ė David Babcock
Transcribed By Ė Paul Booth
Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Salem - Nick Bakay
Morgan - Elisa Donovan
Roxie - Soleil Moon Frye
Harvey - Nate Richert
Cole - Andrew Walker
Leonard - John Ducey
Annie - Diana-Marie Riva
James - Bumper Robinson
Carson Daly - Carson Daly
Mr. Fleming Ė Christopher Darga
Young Zelda - Alexandra Hart Williams
Mark Wilkerson Ė Mark Wilkerson
Security Guard Ė Paul Taylor
Rickey Shelton Ė Mickey Shelton
John Milldrum Ė John Milldrum
Chris Dickerson Ė Chris Dickerson
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.
Luke, Josh & Harvey- (Together) Goodbye Sabrina.
Luke leaves through the back door, Josh takes the scenic dining room route and Harvey, ever the direct one heads straight for the front door. Sabrina can only stand and watch her true love walk out of her life.
A knot clamps around her heart and sweeps outwards, freezing as it goes, turning everything to stone. Sabrina, the statue stands for only a moment before the hairline crack in her broken heart causes the whole thing to shatter into a thousand pieces.
Salem trots down the stairs and takes in the scene in the kitchen before jumping up onto the table beside Hildaís wedding cake.
Salem- Okay, I donít know what happened here but a hundred bucks says I get blamed for it.
Harvey returns from the living room.
Harvey- Sabrina, before I go I just wanted to say...
He sees the mess on the floor.
Harvey- (Cont.) ...Salem!
Salem- Where is my bookie when I need him?
Harvey looks down and recognises a piece of rock.
Harvey- Wait a minute! This looks like Sabrinaís mouth. These are her eyes and this looks like her...
He drops the bit of rock heís just picked up and jumps back.
Harvey- (Cont.) Sorry Sabrina!
Salem- Well donít just stand there, lug-nut, sweep her up!
But it doesnít prove necessary as they both watch the bits of Sabrina begin to realign themselves and fuse together. Stone becomes flesh and Sabrina looks down at herself.
Harvey- Sabrina, are you okay?
Sabrina- Yeah, Iím fine... except you were standing on my tongue. How did I get put back together?
Zelda- I did it.
Sabrina- Aunt Zelda?!
Harvey moves aside to reveal Hildaís other bridesmaid, aunt Zelda, but sheís not her usual tall, leggy self. The eight-year-old Zelda looks swamped in her grown up bridesmaids gown as she looks up at her niece.
Sabrina- (Cont) You gave up your adult years for me?! That is so generous... and a very crafty way to get rid of wrinkles.
Young Zelda- I know it may be a little strange having an eight-year-old look after you.
Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, you donít have to look after me anymore. You and aunt Hilda have taught me everything I need to know. Now I need to prove that I can get by without relying on you guys. Iím going to be graduating soon and Iím going to be looking for a new job as a reporter, so you donít have to take care of anyone anymore.
Run opening credits.
Int. Spellman living room... or what used to be the Spellmanís living room. Now itís more the Spellman, King and Cavanaugh living room as Morgan and Roxie have moved into the big old house now that Hildaís got herself hitched to Will and Zelda minor is living in the Other Realm. Of course Salem is still the man... kitty of the house. Anyway, Iím going to continue to call it the Spellman living room. So...
Int. Spellman living room. Morgan checks the post as Roxie comes down stairs in a dressing gown with a towel wrapped around her hair.
Roxie- Weíve got to do something! Three months living in this house and we still run out of hot water!
Morgan- I donít know what you are talking about. I take a two hour shower every morning and it never runs out.
Sabrina enters looking a little on edge.
Sabrina- Is that the mail? Can I have it please?
Morgan- Excuse me! Youíre not the only... (Looks at an envelope) ...Occupant here.
Sabrina takes the mail from Morgan and quickly shuffles through it.
Sabrina- Oh! I canít believe I still havenít gotten a response from my resume!
Roxie- Sabrina, youíve gotta use connections. I donít know why you donít take me up on my offer? I mean, my friend does write for The Village Voice.
Sabrina- He writes letters to the editor. Heís a crackpot!
Roxie- A published crackpot!
Meanwhile Morgan has been quietly opening the mail and suddenly jumps to her feet.
Morgan- (Excited) Oh my God, Iíve won! Iíve won the MTV contest!
Roxie What contest?
Morgan- Itís some... writing contest were you... Oh itís MTV, who cares!
Morgan- (Reading) "Based on the essay that you submitted you have been selected to interview a rock band for ĎScorchí magazine." Maybe itíll be the Rolling Stones! My nana would be so tickled.
Roxie- Great! (To Sabrina) You bust your butt trying to get a reporting job. She gets one by submitting a three by five card listing her turn-ons.
Sabrina- Hey, thatís the way it goes. Iím happy for her.
Morgan- It says Iím supposed to go to Scorch magazine for the details.
Roxie- Iím out of it. Scorch? Whatís that, some kind oí trade publication for pyromaniacs?
Morgan- Itís only like the coolest magazine ever! If it werenít for them I wouldn't know what music I like. Sabrina, get dressed.
Morgan- You have to come with me. I mean, you can do all that face-to-face stuff. What I do is write.
Morgan dashes upstairs.
Sabrina- And what Iím thinking of doing is so wrong.
Int. Scorch Magazine. The office is on two levels and open plan. The average age of the staff appears to be in their mid twenties as Morgan and Sabrina enter.
Morgan- Wow! Everybody here is so young! And they all look so... whatís the word?
Sabrina- Tragically hip?
Morgan- Er thatís two words.
Sabrina takes Morganís letter and leads her into the office looking for someone who looks old enough to be in charge. She spots a woman with very big, very black hair.
Sabrina- Um, excuse me. My friend is here to find out about some contest she won. She supposed to talk to a... (Reading) Senior editor Annie Martos?
Annie- Yeah, thatís me, and why are you speaking for her?
Morgan- Er whereís the little girls room? I kind of have to tinkle.
Annie and Sabrina exchange a look.
Annie- I get it. Come with me, weíll go over the details.
She leads Morgan away and Sabrina looks around the busy office. A guy sat at a nearby desk doesnít look up from his work but is aware of her hovering nearby.
Cole- You here for the contest?
Sabrina- Oh... No, my friend won the contest. Iím just along for moral support. Period, close quote.
Cole looks up and gestures to his colleague.
Cole- She punctuates when she talks!
Sabrina- No. I know this is none of my business but...
She points at his computer screen.
Sabrina- (Cont.) ...The quotes go on the outside of the period.
James- Damn, thatís gutsy... Exclamation point.
Cole goes to correct his article and James, the photographer, moves away.
Sabrina- Sorry. Force of habit. Iím a writer too. Well not this kind oí stuff; serious journalism.
Cole- Oh and er, this isnít serious journalism.
The door opens and a guy enters with a case of vodka.
Leonard- Kandinsky Vodka just gave us four cases! Itís gonna be an early day people.
Thereís a cheer around the office and Sabrina makes a Ďmy pointí expression as Leonard walks over.
Leonard- Out advertisers love to give me the freebies. Hi, Iím Leonard. Wanna case of vodka?
Sabrina- No thanks.
Leonard- No problem. Wanna go out for eggs?
Leonard- Too much, I know.
He leaves as Morgan comes from Annieís office all excited.
Morgan- Sabrina, I get to go to New York and get to interview that band, Course of Nature, and write a twelve hundred word article about it!
Sabrina- Youíre kidding? Do you even know twelve hundred words?
Morgan- Plus, I get to bring two friends.
Cole- Oh I doubt this friend would wanna go. It doesnít sound like er "serious journalism"
Morgan- Youíd pass up a trip to MTV?
Sabrina- ...No, no, Iíll go, but only because I have a very solid connection at The Village Voice.
Int. Spellman living room. Sabrinaís on the phone while Salem listens in.
Sabrina- (On phone) Iím just following up on the reporter job... Yeah, but you got my résumé, right?... Well what does it matter if I donít know how to surf? Iím a writer not a surfer!... Fine!
She hangs up the phone with a sigh and puts a line through one of the names on her list.
Sabrina- Well scratch off ĎTrue Surfer Stories Monthlyí
Salem- Wow! Youíve been working the phones none-stop for the past twenty-four hours!
Sabrina- Iíve gotta get a job as a reporter, even if I have to go as far as New York.
Salem- Why do you have to go to New York? Youíve already got an offer from The Boston Globe.
Sabrina- Yeah. Three days a week as an assistant associate to the associate assistant. I think Iím a little beyond that.
Salem- Well youíd better get somethiní or I wonít be the only one in this house thatís eatiní cat food.
Sabrina dials another number on her list.
Int. Mr. Flemingís office at the Harold Examiner. A harassed looking man in shirtsleeves answers the ringing phone on his desk, which is piled high with paper.
Mr. Fleming- (On phone) Harold Examiner. Fleming speaking.
Sabrina- Hi. My nameís Sabrina Spellman. I was calling to follow up about my résumé.
Mr. Fleming- Yeah, yeah. Itís either in a file drawer or here in a pile. Iíll get to it when I get to it.
His phone rings again.
Mr. Fleming- (Cont.) Er hold on.
He presses a button to put Sabrina on hold.
Mr. Fleming- Hello?
Int. Spellman living room. Faint muzak can be heard coming from Sabrinaís phone as she puts it down beside Salem.
Sabrina- Okay. Well I can either sit here on hold all day or I can make something happen.
She points at herself and vanishes in a swirl of sparkles.
Int. Mr. Flemingís office at the Harold Examiner. Mr. Fleming is still on the phone and nothing much has changedÖ except for the picture of his baby boy on his jumbled desk. Sabrinaís face now looks out of it.
Mr. Fleming- (On phone) You sent me a fax? I-I donít know. I canít find anything around here.
He hunts through the various piles of paper on his desk.
Sabrina, the baby picture- (Under her breath) Get my résumé out of the file and put it right on top of the pile.
Her spell enacted her face fades. Behind Mr. Fleming he filing cabinet drawer opens and a sheet of paper swirls out of it and comes to land on top of the pile of papers by his right hand.
Mr. Fleming- (On phone) I-I donít now where it isÖ Well just fax me another one. Oh no-no, better yet, just bring it over.
He hits the hold button to get Sabrina back.
Mr. Fleming- (Cont.) Yeah, Er who am I talking to again?... Oh yeah. Er...
He spots her name on the sheet beside him.
Mr. Fleming- (Cont.) Oh, how about that, itís right on top. Well I can squeeze one more in tomorrow, all right. One oíclock.
Ext. Broadway, New York. A black stretch limo glides through the traffic.
Int. Black stretch limo. Three girls enjoy the plush luxury of rear compartment.
Morgan- This is so exciting.
She stands up sticking her head out of the sun roof.
Morgan- (Cont.)(Yelling) Hello New York!
Roxie- Be careful Morgan. New Yorkers love a moving target.
She stands up and joins Morgan. A small, black, furry head pokes out of Sabrinaís shoulder bag.
Salem- M-hm. I would have come out earlier but I was stuck to a jawbreaker.
Sabrina- Hey, remember our deal. I bring you to New York, you donít whine, complain or talk in front of people.
Salem- Donít worry. While you galls run your little MTV junket, Iím gonna take in the sights.
Sabrina- Iím not going to MTV. I have that interview at the Herald Examiner. I really need this job and Iím not leaving until they give it to me.
Salem- Hmm, the new Sabrina is feisty. Me like-e.
Roxie and Morgan sit back down beside Sabrina and Salem quickly ducks back inside the bag.
Roxie- Itís just part of the hotdog. Itís just their way of saying ĎWelcomeí
She peels a bit of bread from Morganís shoulder and throws it away.
Morgan- Well they can throw whatever they want, they canít stop me from going to MTV.
Roxie- Me neither. I canít wait to go on TRL.
Sabrina- You? You donít seem like a Total Request Live kind of person?
Roxie- Of course not, but Iíll blend in with all the desperate, squealing teenyboppers, cosy up to Carson Daly and as soon as Iím on camera, demand that people stop eating meat.
Sabrina- Iím not sure TRL is the place for a protest. I mean, itís not like itís the Oscars.
She leans forward towards the driver way up in front.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh sir, could you pull up here?
The car stops and Sabrina opens the door.
Sabrina- (Cont.) All right, Iíll meet you guys later
Morgan- Oh no-no-no-no-no! You have to help me with the interview.
Sabrina- (Checking her watch) Morgan, my Harold Examiner meeting is in forty-seven minutes! I have to prepare to be spontaneous. Youíll be fine.
She moves to get out of the car and a small, black head pokes out of the bag thatís by the open door.
Morgan- No-no, I-I-I donít know how to do an interview. I canít write! I stole a writing sample of yours for the contest!
Jaws drop all round.
Roxie- You did what? Morgan, what a lousy thing to do! You totally used Sabrina.
Sabrina- (Pleased) My writing sample won? Wow!
Morgan- (To the driver) To MTV... and step on it!
The car shoots forward with Sabrina still on board. However, they are one short. Salem is thrown from the bag by the sudden movement and finds himself splayed across the window screen of a passing yellow cab.
Int. MTV offices 1515 Broadway, New York. Our three ladies have got as far as the security desk in the foyer were the security guard is sucking on a lolly.
Security Guard- (To Morgan) You won the contest, you meet the band. (To Sabrina & Roxie) You two meet the street.
Morgan- Oh but they-they have to go in.
Sabrina- Yeah, weíre... interpreters. One of the band members is French and the other is... German. (To Roxie) Ness Pas mein... kampf.
Security Guard- Nice try. Youíll have to wait in the lobby.
As tries to move Sabrina and Roxie away Sabrina finds a chance for a little discrete finger pointing. Thereís a crack and the security guard spits out a piece of tooth... and another.
Security Guard- (Clutching his mouth) My teeth!
He runs off forgetting all about the girls.
Sabrina- Well now er, at least he has something that he wants for Christmas.
Int. Dressing Room. Course of Nature are sat in a circle with their instruments rehearsing for the show when Sabrina, Morgan and Roxie enter.
Morgan- Hi. Hi, weíre here from...
Mark Wilkerson- (Interrupting) Yeah, could you give us just a sec? Weíve gotta finish working out this one part.
Morgan looks a little put out as the boys ignore her and break into ĎCaught in the suní over which is a montage of shots showing Salemís New York adventure as travels from Broadway to the statue of liberty via Madison Avenue on the subway passing under Radio City. It finishes with Salem slipping into the Pretty Kitty Theatre and the band put down their instruments.
Morgan- Do you guys know ĎOops I did it againí?
Sabrina- (To Morgan) Er, why donít you just jump in with the interview questions?
Morgan- I just did.
Sabrina- Ask him what his influences are.
Morgan- So, who influenced you to... cut your hair so short?
Sabrina- (To the band) Oh er, what distinguishes Course of Nature from other bands?
Mark Wilkerson- Well for one thing, weíre not conventional.
Morgan- (Taking notes) Donít - play - conventions.
Mark Wilkerson- No, I mean, we donít do the usual rock band thing. Erm, Partying all night, getting wasted. I donít even drink.
Sabrina- Well not with all those piercing; youíd leak.
Roxie- (To Sabrina) I think sheís gonna be just fine.
Morgan- Donít leave me!
Sabrina- Morgan, Iíve have to get to my interview with the Harold Examiner before my dream job gets taken by somebody else. Just ask whatever comes into your head.
Sabrina dashes off while Roxie turns to look at Morganís blank expression.
Roxie- (To the band) This could take a while.
She runs after Sabrina. The Band stares at Morgan expectantly.
Morgan- Oh! Iíve got one. Who here doesnít have a girlfriend?
Int. TRL studio, MTV offices. Two latecomers sidle into seats behind the presenter, Carson Daly, amongst the squealing teenyboppers. Roxie has provided the T-shirts that are carefully covered up.
Carson Daly- (To TV Camera) Alright! There you have you little favourite Canadian, Avril Levine and Sk8ter Boy at number three. Avril Levineís no stranger to the top ten...
Sabrina- (Aside to Roxie) Roxie, Iím gonna be late for my interview.
Roxie- I need youíre help and so do a million cows. Now when we get next to Carson, Iíll show my shirt...
Which says ĎMEATí
Roxie- (Cont.) ...and then you show yours.
Which says ĎKILLSí
Sabrina- <Sigh!> Canít I just wear one that says ĎIím with stupidí?
Carson Daly- ...Anybody wanna give a shout out? Anybody?
He looks around the audience and Roxie sticks her hand up.
Carson Daly- (Cont.) Back there? How about you, right over here. Who do you wanna give a shout out to?
Roxie- (Suddenly overcome) Carson Daly!
Carson Daly- Thatís me, but who do you wanna give a shou... (Spots part of her T-shirt) Whatís this all about? It says ĎMEATí Thatís no way to refer to yourself.
Roxie can only stand and smile stupidly which would have made Sabrinaís idea for a T-shirt appropriate. Sabrina tries to salvage the failed protest by pushing past her friend.
Sabrina- Oh no-no. Um she-she has a message she wants to get out. Right Roxie?
Carson Daly- Okay, what is that?
Roxie- (Smiling stupidly) Carson Daly.
Sabrina- The message!
Sabrina exposes her chest to Carson and the millions of MTV viewers.
Carson Daly- (Reading) It says ĎKILLS MEATí? You guys are a member of the Ted Nugent fan club?
He holds the mike out to them. Sabrina realises what sheís done wrong while Roxie smiles stupidly at Carson.
Carson Daly- (Cont.) Anything? Okay, anybody wanna give a shout out thatís not on medication? How about you, over here?
He walks away with Roxie smiling stupidly after him.
Sabrina- Oh Roxie, Iím sorry the message got all messed up.
Roxie- I canít believe how hot he is and how great it is to be on TRL <Squeal>
She goes off following Carson.
Sabrina- (Calling after) Oh, way to fight the power, Roxie! (Checking her watch) Oh no, my interview!
She runs off in another direction.
Ext. A litter strewed alley. New York. Itís the kind of place TC would have called home. Itís a different talking cat, however whose up this one.
Salem- Must have taken a wrong turn. Whoa! If this is hells kitchen Iíd hate to see the bathroom. <Gasp!>
He spotted the largest, raggedest, meanest looking rat in the city.
Salem- (Cont.) Okay, that is one big rat. Hey, ha-ha, whatís up bro. About those teeth, a little bleachíd help that. Ha-haÖ<Sob!>
With a nasty hiss the rat attacks. Officer Dibbleís never around when you need him.
Int. Mr. Flemingís office at the Harold Examiner. Mr. Fleming is trying to sort out his files when Sabrina enters a little breathless.
Sabrina- Sorry Iím late.
Mr. Fleming- And you are?
Sabrina- <Pant> Iím way out of shape. (On his look) Iím Sabrina Spellman, your one oíclockish.
She holds out her hand to him but he ignores it.
Mr. Fleming- Ah well, the important thing is youíre here. I need someone right away.
Sabrina- Really? Great!
Mr. Fleming- All right. Details: I like my coffee black, my pencils sharp and someone whoís not afraid to ask questions.
Sabrina- Well I have a question. Why would I need to know how you like your coffee?
Mr. Fleming- Well thatís what any good secretary needs to know.
Sabrina- Secretary? Yeah, well thatís not exactly my dream job but I guess itís a start.
Mr. Fleming- Absolutely. Yeah, play your cards right, do a good job, ten to fifteen years youíll work your way up to executive secretary.
Sabrina sags down in her seat with disappointment.
Mr. Fleming- Is there a problem?
Sabrina- Yeah! A big one. For starters, I donít have any secretarial skills and when I make coffee, it comes out tasting like witches brew... literally!
Mr. Fleming- Why are you here?
Sabrina- For a job as a reporter!
Mr. Fleming- (Tapping the pile of papers by his hand) No-no-no-no. Your résumé was in the secretary pile.
Sabrina- Look, I came all the way here from Boston. Could you, at least, read my writing sample?
She hands him a sheet of paper from her bag.
Sabrina- (Cont.) This is an article I wrote for The Boston Citizen. I blew the lid off a phoney baked beans scandal.
Mr. Fleming- (Reading) Your leads quit catchy, but...
Sabrina- But what?
Mr. Fleming- A-A reported at the Harold Examiner needs to be a little more seasoned. Why donít we agree to talk when youíve had a little more writing experience and er matured a little.
Sabrina- Oh I am very mature! I was just at MTV and, between you and me, all that screaming gave me a headache. Kids huh?
Mr. Fleming- You were at MTV?
Sabrina- Yeah. One of my friends was hanging out with a rock band and the other one needed me there because she was on TRL.
Mr. Fleming- TRL? My God, it seems like every day theyíre into some new drug.
Sabrina- No-no-no! TRL is a...
Mr. Fleming- (Interrupting) Look, youíre obviously a very fine writer and you have a lot of er youthful exuberance so er why donít we agree to talk when that wears off?
He shows her the door.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem is lay on the counter, his wounds bandaged. Sabrina sits at the table trying to come to terms with being blown off by the Harold Examiner.
Sabrina- Okay, just a little setback. No biggie. I mean, I said I could get along on my own and I can! Right, Salem?
Salem- What do I care? I got beat up by a rat! He humiliated me.
Sabrina- I thought you said you gave him a lickiní?
Salem- I did! But not in a macho way.
Sabrina- Iím sorry Salem, I have bigger problems. Just... butch it up!
Salem- Hmm, butch it up? Thatís an idea. Work out a little. Ha-ha!
He does a press up, very slowly.
Salem- (Cont.) One.
Before he collapses into and exhausted heap.
Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina enters from the kitchen. Morgan, whoís working on her article sees her.
Morgan- Sabrina, can you help me? I donít know what to write about Course of Nature.
Sabrina- Well just use your notes.
She picks up Morganís notes.
Sabrina- (Reading) ĎLead singer- Dreamy. Guitarist- Married. Drummer- Ignored me- Gay?í
Sabrina and Roxie give Morgan a look. Sabrina hands her back the notebook.
Sabrina- (Cont.) What Iím saying is be resourceful. Thereís all kinds of information on the Internet, in their liner notes or you can contact their fan club.
Morgan- Boy, that sounds like a lot of work.
Roxie- Hey Sabrina, why donít you write the article.
Sabrina- Fine, Iíll write it but Iím taking the credit. No more fronting for you.
Morgan- (Offended) I would never take credit for something that you wrote! (On Sabrina and Roxieís looks) Twice in one week.
Int. Scorch Magazine. Annie is reading through Sabrinaís article as Sabrina and Morgan watch. Cole walks over after making himself a coffee.
Cole- So, howíd it go in New York? Yíknow, with that connection of yours?
Sabrina- Oh. Oh I decided that newspaper job just wasnít for me.
Cole- Oh good choice. I mean, youíd have to move there. Plus, youíd need a bicycle and a good throwing arm.
He wanders off to his desk.
Annie- Itís very well written.
Morgan- Thank you. It came very easily. Sometimes when the muse strikesÖ
Sabrina taps her on the arm.
Morgan- (Cont.) Okay, she wrote it, but I-I tried to write about the band but then I ran out of words for cute and...
Annie- (Interrupting) I absolutely do not care!
Sabrina- Well Iím glad you liked it. Now, we havenít discussed the money. I donít know what the going rate is these days but um how does ten cents a word sound?
Annie- Oh Iíll give you a quarter just to stop talking.
Sabrina- (To Morgan) How about that. I already got a raise.
Annie- This article was for a contest. We donít pay for it and, in this case, we donít publish it. (Gives Sabrina the article) Here. You might wanna send this to your mother, she can tack it up on the fridge.
Annie walks away with Sabrina at her heals.
Sabrina- But I thought you said you liked it?
Annie- I said it was very well written, very professional, very well researched, very bland.
Sabrina- Are you calling my writing bland?
Annie- No, I think Iím calling the author bland. Anything printed in Scorch Magazine represents a certain point of view. I mean, look around. These people have life experience. Cole was in a rock band that used to open for Greenday, James has travelled to every continent. Leonard is... the publisherís cousin. The point is, when I look at you, Iím guessing your life comes down to... Oh, a junior high school certificate for perfect attendance and, maybe once, you smoked a ham.
Annie turns on her heals and heads for her office leaving Sabrina in a mild state of shock. Leonard walks over.
Leonard- This may come at a bad time but, er I still have some of that vodka.
Cole- (From his desk) Len!
Leonard- Worth a shot.
Sabrina- (To Morgan) Letís go.
Dejected they both leave.
Int. Spellman living room.
Sabrina- Everyone keeps telling me I need more experience. At this rate Iíll never find a job.
Roxie- What happened to the part-time job you were offered at The Boston Globe?
Sabrina- The jobs taken... by my journalism professor!
Morgan- (Sympathetic) Oh Sabrina. (Back to the real Morgan) You really blew it.
She leaves towards the kitchen.
Roxie- Honey, put this behind you. Youíve been going on and on about it. Youíve gotta stop obsessing.
She checks Sabrinaís watch.
Roxie- (Cont.) Oh my god, TRL is on! Out of my way!
She pushes Sabrina aside, grabs the remote and sits in the comfy chair switching the TV on. Thereís the sound of squealing teenyboppers.
Carson Daly- (On the TV) All right, there you have it. Everybody loves Eminem...
Roxie- Yeah! Do it Carson! Okay, getting carried away. (Standing up) Cool it down. (Backing away) Cold turkey. (Backing away) Cold turkey.
Sabrina- Yeah, talk about obsessed.
Roxie- No, Iím going to the kitchen to make a sandwich. Donít turn that off.
She runs for the kitchen.
Carson Daly- (On the TV) At number seven is your favourite AustralianÖ
Salem- Move! Youíre blocking the view.
Sabrina steps aside and looks around. Salem is sat on the back of the chair wearing a sweat shirt that shows off a set of rippling muscles that would put a California Governor to shame.
Sabrina- Whoa! Someone got into the kibbles and steroids.
Salem- Next time you go to the big apple, take me with you. I want to deliver a little message to my friend, Ratso.
Sabrina- Yeah, Iíve got a message I wanna deliver too.
She picks up the muscle bound Salem.
Sabrina- (Cont.) Sorry Roxie.
She points at the TV and the picture turns to snow.
Sabrina- (Cont.)(Calling out) Cables out!
Without waiting for a response she points at herself and both she and Salem vanish in a swirl of sparkles.
Int. MTV offices, Broadway, New York, New York. Just outside the TRL studio were thereís a sign glowing saying ĎON AIRí A swirl of sparkles manifests itself into Sabrina and Salem.
Sabrina- Okay. Whatever youíre doing, do it fast. Weíve got to get back before Roxie and Morgan know weíre gone.
Salem- Donít worry. Itíll only take a second for me to turn that rodent into ratatouille.
She puts Salem down and he dashes off. Taking a deep breath she quietly opens the door to the studio and slips inside.
Int. TRL studio. Amidst the squeal of teenyboppers.
Carson Daly- All right guys. Before we get to our next video Iím going to give this young man an opportunity to say something to America. (To the guy) Do you want...
Sabrina barges past pushing the man aside to get next to Carson.
Carson Daly- (Cont.) ...or her! Ha-ha. Survival of the fittest on TRL today. Er whatís your request?
Sabrina- I want a job.
Carson Daly- Okay. Is that the new O-town single?
Sabrina- Oh no-no-no! Iím talking about me. I know this sounds crazy. My name is Sabrina Spellman, Iím a journalist and I canít find a job. I mean, Iíve gotten a few job offers but, yíknow, Iíve said no to them. Er, long story short: Iím an idiot!
Carson Daly- Okay. Well thereís definitely going to be a job in security opening up here. Maybe you could have that one, okay? Good luck to you.
He makes a break for it.
Carson Daly- (Cont.)(OS) All right, weíve gotta get over here. How about you?
Sabrina- (Calling after) Does security ever need reporting on the air?
Ext. Top Ratís alley. The muscles from BruÖ Westbridge flexes before mean looking rat.
Salem- All right cheese breath. Itís you and me right here, right now.
A large alligator comes from behind a trash can and moves up beside the rat.
Salem- (Cont.) So youíve brought some of your friends from the sewer huh? Ho-ha... er please, not the face! <Sob!>
The alligator opens itís Jaws to show off itís impressive orthodontist work.
Int. The RTL studio. Carson is still trying to put out his show.
Carson Daly- Hi and welcome back to New York City, Time Square. Iím Carson Daly. TRL...
But Sabrina is just as persistent. She comes over and snatches the microphone from him.
Sabrina- Iím sorry Carson. One last thing. Iíd just want to say to all you guys out there. Make sure you know a good opportunity when you see it, okay. People arenít just gonna hand you your dream job on a silver platter. Well, in fact, if they give you a job carrying a silver platter, take it. What Iím saying is whether itís an established publication like the New York Herald Examiner or a pretentious, upstart zine like Scorch, donít be too proud to start at the bottom.
Carson Daly- (Taking back his mike) Anything else?
Sabrina- Er... Meat kills! Whoo-hoo!
Carson Daly- All right guys.
Two security guards come on and carry Sabrina away to tumultuous squealing by the boppers.
Carson Daly- (Cont.) Sorry about that everybody.
He makes a ĎWhackoí gesture to the camera.
Carson Daly- (Cont.) All right...
Int. Scorch Magazine. Annie, Cole, James and Leonard are sat around the conference table looking glum. Sabrina enters and determinedly walks over to them.
Sabrina- Okay, if youíve called me down here to tell me that Iíll never work in this business again, Iíve figured that out for myself and thatís why Iím done with this whole stupid job search and, who knows, maybe journalism all together and just because I donít have green hair and little metal things sticking out of my face doesnít mean Iím not a good writer. Period. End of sentence!
She looks pointedly at Cole who grins.
Annie- Fine. Iíll tell Jonathon youíre turning down the job.
Annie- I called you down here because Iím offering you a position. Actually, our publisher is. The only thing Iíd offer you is a new wardrobe.
Sabrina- Thatís insane! Why would the publisher offer me a job?
Annie- That was my question exactly, except with profanities
James- Apparently Jonathon caught you on TRL; likes what he saw. Of course he hired me because he said I remind him of Dianna Ross.
Cole- It doesnít matter. Sheís not interested in this gig. I mean, itís not serious journalism, right?
Sabrina- Wait, he saw me on TV? Do you happen to know if he taped it? Because I forgot.
Annie- Okay, Iíll tell him you canít do it. (To the rest of the group) Okay, whatís new on the club scene?
Sabrina- Excuse me. I can do it.
Annie- Yeah, I get it, Bo Peep, the jobs not right for you.
Sabrina- Okay, the nameís not Bo Peep and the job may not be right for me but Iím right for the job. I just want to make the fine, yet important, distinction. Can do it; donít want to.
Annie- Youíll take it.
Sabrina- Yes please. When can I start?
She grabs a nearby chair and pulls it up to the table and sits with a bright smile.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina and her housemates celebrate.
Roxie- Okay, smoothies all around.
Morgan- Time for a toast to Sabrinaís new job.
Morgan picks up the tray of chocolate flavoured drinks and takes it over to the table but canít put it down because somethingís already there.
Roxie- Morgan, did you leave your laundry on the table?
Sabrina- No, thatís Salem. He got into the gauze.
She pats the very bandaged pussy in the general vicinity of itís head.
Morgan- Did you hear that?
Morgan and Roxie are satisfied and Sabrina strokes Salemís poor head.