Free Sabrina

Written By – Tod Himmel
Transcribed By – Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Salem - Nick Bakay
Morgan - Elisa Donovan
Roxie - Soleil Moon Frye
Cole - Andrew Walker
Annie - Diana-Marie Riva
James - Bumper Robinson
Babette Storm – Clare Kramer
Monique – Jonell Kennedy
Mildred – Jeanette Miller
May – Dona Hardy
Cliff – Bryan Cuprill
Security Guard – Ariel Llinas
Reporter #1 – Maria Menounos
Reporter #2 – Steve Truitt

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Storm Magazine. Cole is perched on the corner of Sabrina’s desk reading the latest copy of Scorch while Sabrina reads her latest obituary to him.

Sabrina- ... And although he’s played his last gig here on Earth, Screaming Hank Walters will be Hendrix, Elvis and even maybe Tupac for...

Sabrina & Cole- (Together) ...An all star jam session in rock and roll heaven.

Sabrina- Did you read this obituary before I turned it in?

Cole- No. No, I’m reading the one you wrote last week.

He drops the copy of Scorch in front of her and walks to his own desk. Sabrina gets up and follows and is joined by James.

Sabrina- Oh right! Well it is an obituary; it’s not like they’re gonna complain.

James- Hey, it’s no big deal. I reuse the same photos over and over again... Of course I had to stop when people realised Queen Latifah never fought Lenox Lewis.

Sabrina- You know, when I got this job I thought I’d be doing more interviews but I’ve covered more dead rockers than... vomit.

Cole- Can I just give you a little advice? Go out and find your own stories. If you write something decent, Annie’ll run it.

James- If you write something indecent, and she’ll put it on the cover.

Sabrina- I guess if I wanna impress Annie, that’s what I’ll have to do. You’re right! I’m gonna tell Annie I have written my last obituary.

Annie sticks her head out of her office door.

Annie- Sabrina! Get down to Boston General. There’s a rumour Keith Richards is having chest pains.

Sabrina- Can I wait until he goes to the morgue? I have my own parking spot there.

Run opening credits.

Int. Monique Boutique. A women’s fashion house in Boston city centre where Morgan, who has managed to get her right arm in a cast, is touting her wears to the owner while Sabrina and Roxie take the opportunity to brows around.

Morgan- What you’re looking at now is the Morganwear Fall line.

Monique- I like these but, actually, we’re buying for Spring right now.

Morgan- Oh, not a problem.

She rips the green arms off the top that Monique is holding and wraps them like a matching silk scarf round the hanger.

Morgan- (Cont.) And now you have scarves to match.

Meanwhile Roxie finds a fringed, suede fashion accessory that excites her.

Roxie- (To Sabrina) Whoa! Cute head band!

Sabrina- (Examining it) That’s a skirt! And, I’m guessing, a great way to meat guys.

Morgan- (To Monique) I’m telling you, these designs will be flying off the rack.

She looks over to where Roxie and Sabrina are looking through the racks.

Morgan- (Louder) Flying off the racks!

Sabrina- (Aside to Roxie) Oh! Oh! That’s out cue!

They quickly walk over and start looking at Morgan’s designs.

Sabrina- Oh look! I love this blouse! Roxie, don’t you love this blouse?

Roxie- Love it? I’d like to be buried in it.

Sabrina- That’s right, Roxie, because Morganwear works for every occasion.

Monique- (To Morgan) Well, your friends really seem to like your stuff.

Monique answers the ringing phone and, having been busted, Sabrina turns to Morgan.

Sabrina- Morgan, are we almost through here? I really should be out trying to dig up a story.

Monique- Actually, I really like your designs. Let me finish this call and I’ll place an order.

Morgan- (Excited) I sold something! I sold something! I deserve a little treat. What do you think, Lexus or Mercedes?

Sabrina- Er how about chipping in for groceries once in a while?

And attractive blonde walks past Roxie, whose eyes widen before she hurries over to Sabrina and Morgan.

Roxie- (Pointing to the blonde) That’s Babette Storm!

Sabrina- Oh yeah. She’s in town shooting a film. Wow! She looks even better in person.

Morgan- Two words. Bo-Tox.

Sabrina- Get out?!

Morgan- She’s pushing thirty; she’s gotta do something.

Sabrina- Hey, that’s a great story. What an actress has to do to stay in the game. Now how can I prove that she’s using botox?

Roxie- Stick a safety pin in her forehead.

As they watch her, Babette picks up a rather nice green, silk scarf and casually slips it into her shoulder bag.

Sabrina- Oh God! Did you see that? She just shoplifted.

Roxie- That’s really sad.

Morgan- Yeah it is. She stole from the clearance rack.

Int. Scorch Magazine. Annie pours herself a mug of coffee but it’s Sabrina hovering at her elbow that’s making her jittery. Finally she can ignore her no longer.

Annie- If I buy a box of thin mints will you go away?

Sabrina- What if I wrote a story about someone who’s actually alive?

Annie- What have you got?

Sabrina- Well I saw Babette Storm last night at a boutique and let’s just say that she is no stranger to the five finger discount... That means shoplifting.

Annie- Got any proof? That means you’re a real reporter.

Sabrina- Well I saw it with my own two eyes. Hey! Five fingers: Two eyes. Maybe I can use that in my article.

Annie- Look, I have no doubt this woman’s a thief, okay. There is no other explanation for her Oscar, but find a story you can back up!

Annie walks off to her office.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Well I know, for a fact, she’s had botox injections... I think.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina sits moping in the armchair while Salem tries to lift her spirits.

Salem- Come on, cheer up.

Sabrina- I can’t help it; I’m bummed. I mean, here I am trying to show my boss I know what I’m doing and I end up looking like an amateur.

Salem- Well why don’t you do what I do when I’m feeling down?

Sabrina- Let strangers rub my belly?

With a grumble he leaves her to her depression and goes in search of kibble crumbs in the kitchen. Sabrina isn’t alone for long though as Morgan bounces down the stairs in a mood as good as Sabrina’s is bad.

Morgan- Order the champagne! Monique just called, she wants to double her initial order of Morganwear.

Sabrina- Congratulations. At least one of our careers is taking off.

Morgan- Oh Sabrina, I don’t have time for the ‘Annie is evil’ pep talk right now. I have fifty outfits to deliver.

Sabrina pouts, picks up her magazine and studiously ignores her friend.

Morgan- (Cont.) Oh okay.

She gives Sabrina a one armed, half hearted hug.

Morgan- (Cont.) Annieisevil,you’regreat. Hanginthere. Oh, I forgot the best part.

Sabrina- I’m thin and beautiful?

Morgan- We’re back to me now. Babette Storm ordered one of my dresses to wear to the press conference for her new film!

Sabrina- You might wanna sew in a lowjack.

Morgan- She’s picking it up at Monique’s on Thursday at one o’clock. Now, because of this stupid cast, I am gonna need help with the sewing.

She picks up the yellow pages from beside the settee, sits down and starts thumbing through it.

Sabrina- Wait! She’s going back to that boutique! Maybe I have another shot at that story. I just need proof.

Roxie enters.

Roxie- Hey guys, what’s goin’ on?

Morgan- Hey Roxie, do you know how to sew?

Roxie- Sew?... A needle pulling thread?

Morgan- Never mind. How about you, Sabrina? D’ya wanna work for me?

Sabrina- Not even if the job was testing pie.

Int. Scorch Magazine. Sabrina has cornered James while he polishes his lens.

Sabrina- All I need you to do is come with me to this boutique so that I can prove that Babette Storm is a shoplifter. You know, bring your camera, just, sort of, skulk around.

James- Now wait a minute. They tend to keep an eye on a brother just skulking around in a ritzy women’s boutique.

Sabrina- Fine, then give me your camera. I broke mine trying to kill a spider.

James- Maybe you do deserve a break.

In other words, there’s no way you are touching my camera, fool!

James- (Cont.) Actually, you remind me of myself when I came here. Young, naïve... desperate to succeed.

Sabrina- I’m not desperate to succeed! That is so not me... Please help me, James! Please!

James- Okay, I’ll help you.

Sabrina- Thank you.

James- You know, I’ve done surveillance before, dangerous stuff. Sean Penn whacked me right here!

He points to the crown of his head.

James- (Cont.) P. Diddy slapped me right here!

Holds his left cheek... on his face.

James- (Cont.) Céline Dion got me right here.

He puts his fist over his heart.

Sabrina- She hit you?

James- Nah, It’s that Titanic theme. It chokes me up.

Int. Spellman dining room. Morgan gives her welcoming speech to the three new employees who are sat around the dining table.

Morgan- Welcome to Morganwear. Congratulations. You girls have the thrill of working for a vibrant, cutting-edge company focused on generation now.

She looks around at the three elderly, grey haired ladies.

Morgan- (Cont.) Now don’t be threatened working for someone so much younger and more beautiful than you.

Mildred- (To Her colleagues) Oh p-lease! When I was her age I had a rack you could bounce a wing nut off of.

Roxie enters.

Roxie- Where did you pick up the bridge game?

Morgan- This is my new workforce. They’re day labourers. I found them hanging out in front of the fabric store.

Mildred- We were waiting for a bus to Atlantic City!

Roxie- You know, Morgan, this looks like unfair labour practice. You can’t hold people against their will.

Morgan- No, not all of them. I started with eight.

Int. Monique’s Boutique. James sticks close to Sabrina as she browses through the racks as he tries not to attract the attention of the security guard by the door. The guard nods pleasantly to Babette Storm when she enters to pick up her dress.

Sabrina- Oh, there she is.

James- Really? She don’t look like a thief.

Sabrina- She, also, doesn’t look like Harriet Tubman, but that didn’t stop her from playing the part in that one woman show. Okay, wonder over that way and pretend you don’t know me.

James- Right. We all got Annie’s memo about that.

He moves away but keeps an eye on Sabrina as she sidles up behind Babette who’s looking through the racks and finds a little top she likes.

Babette- Oh, this looks kinda nice.

She turns, seeing Sabrina and clears her throat to get her attention.

Babette- (Cont.) Would-Would this look good on me?

She holds up the top for Sabrina to see.

Sabrina- (Surprised) Are you asking me?

Babette- Yeah. Be honest?

Sabrina- Well it’s a little... Get out of the trailer, there’s a twister a comin’

Babette- Oh, you’re right.

Babette puts the top back on the rack while Sabrina picks out a filmy, long sleeved blouse

Sabrina- Um but... this blouse’d look great on you and at this price it’s a steal... I mean bargain!

Babette- That’s gorgeous. You have very good taste.

Sabrina- Really? Thanks. Would you mind telling my boss that... and my roommates and. Well, actually, can I get it in writing?

Babette- I’m Babette. My friends call me Babs.

Sabrina- I’m Sabrina. My friends call me Sabs.

Babette- Oh.

Sabrina- They don’t, really.

Babette- Oh. Y’know, it’s so weird that I meet someone down to earth and-and honest like you. Would you mind helping me pick out a few things?

Sabrina- Really? Sure.

Babette- And you have to get that blouse.

She takes the blouse that Sabrina had been looking at and hands it to her.

Babette- (Cont.) My treat.

Sabrina- Okay, then I’ll just try on this one little blouse... (Turning to the racks) And this and this and... Ooh, I love this.

She follows Babette, choosing stuff as she goes.

James- ...’Cause, actually, you are about the same size.

He hands her a very flimsy, almost transparent teddy.

James- (Cont.) Could you er, could you try this on for me?

Monique- You sure your mother wants this for her birthday?

James- Oh yeah.

Sabrina, loaded down with stuff, spots him.

Sabrina- Psst! Psst! Psst!

James’ full attention is on Monique but...

Monique- (To Sabrina) May I help you?

Sabrina- Er... do you have any changing rooms?

Monique- You are standing right by them.

Sabrina- Ah.

Monique- (To James) Some of these women are so dumb.

James- Hmm.

Monique- Okay, I’ll try on the teddy for you.

James- Thank you.

She goes off to change and Sabrina is finally able to get James’ attention.

Sabrina- James! Pay attention!

James- (Getting out his camera) I’m working! I’m working!

Sabrina takes her stuff and gets into the cubicle beside Babette’s

Babette- I love buying clothes but I hate trying them on, don’t you? It takes so long.

Sabrina- Oh tell me about it. First you’ve got to try stuff on.

She points at herself and is enveloped in a swirl of sparkles. A second or so later, when they clear, she’s got on a red leather skirt and blue top.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Take them off.

She points again and her outfit changes to a white and blue denim skirt with a powder blue strapless top.

Sabrina- (Cont.) And then, if you need another size, you’ve gotta go back and get another one.

She points at a leopard pattern top hanging from the hook in the cubicle that is clearly to large for her and it shrinks four sizes.

Sabrina- (To herself) Now it’s small and over priced.

Babette- Oh, I’d look terrible in this one.

Sabrina- Oh I doubt that. You’d look great in anything.

Babette- No seriously, this one would make me look like a cow.

Sabrina- It can’t be that bad. Let me try.

Babette hands the blouse over to Sabrina who zaps it on. Babette isn’t looking which is just as well because the blouse does indeed make Sabrina look like a cow. A Friesian if I’m not mistaken.

Sabrina, The Teenage Cow- Oh, I see what you mean, Moo!

Babette- What?

Sabrina- I said, ew, you’re right.

She quickly zaps it off and she’s back into her original outfit. They both come out of their respective cubicles.

Babette- Any luck?

Sabrina- Oh no. Everything was either too clingy, too floofy or two paycheques. How about you?

Babette- No, I struck out.

She turns and Sabrina quickly looks into Babette’s changing cubicle. Three empty hangers are there.

Sabrina- Really, huh?

She follows after Babette.

Babette- So listen, do you wanna grab a bite?

Sabrina- You wanna go to lunch with me?

Babette- Sure. I just-I feel like I have this connection with you and it’ll be fun.

Sabrina- Well, I guess I could go to lunch. I already packed mine but baloney keeps for a couple of days.

Babette- Afterwards, maybe we’ll swing by my spa. We’ll make a day of it. Come on.

She heads for the door.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Look, Babette. I have to be honest with you. I’m a reporter for Scorch Magazine and that guy over there...

She points at James who is busy photographing Monique.

Sabrina- (Cont.) He’s a photographer. We’re working on an article about you being a shoplifter.

James’ flash keeps going off as Monique poses for him.

Sabrina- (Cont.) At least I am.

Babette- What are you talking about?

Sabrina- I saw you take something from here the other day. I don’t want you to ruin your career over some trendy blouse that’ll look stupid in two weeks, so just put the stuff back and I’ll forget about the article.

Babette- You guys in the media are all alike! You try to tear us down to make your own lives seem less pathetic!

Sabrina- No-no-no-no. I said I’m not gonna write the article! And what makes you think I’m pathetic, the baloney? Because it’s not like I fry it.

Monique finally notices the row going on in her boutique and pulls herself away from James.

Monique- Miss Storm, is this woman disturbing you?

Babette- Oh, I’ll be fine. Just get the dress I ordered so I can go.

She walks off in a huff and Monique turns to Sabrina.

Monique- Do not bother the famous people!

Sabrina- But I...

Babette is quickly and quietly getting rid her ill gotten blouses from her shoulder bag.

Monique- (Interrupting) I think you’d better go!

Sabrina- James?!

James- My name is Dieter und I don’t know this woman.

Sabrina- Well at least let me get my stuff.

Sabrina passes Babette as she goes to pick up her own shoulder bag. Babette puts on a good act of being upset.

Monique- (To Babette) I’m really sorry Miss Storm. Please consider this a gift from us.

She hands her the beautiful Morganwear dress.

Babette- Thank you.

Sabrina- She was gonna take it anyway.

With a sneer at Sabrina she heads for the door.

Sabrina- (To Monique) I’m telling you, she’s got stuff in that bag. She’s ripping you off...

Babette walks straight past the two black suited security guard and out of the boutique.

James- Listen, if she had jacked merchandise, bells’d be ringin’ and Gary Colman’d be searchin’ her bags.

Sabrina- (Dejected) Come on.

They head for the door.

Sabrina- (Cont.) And please don’t tell anybody what happened. I really wanna keep this very quiet.

Bells go off and the two security guards pounce on Sabrina as she walks through the doors. They pull her bag from her shoulder and, sure enough, it’s full of blouses.

Sabrina- (Horrified) I didn’t! I swear!

They grab her arms and pull out the handcuffs.

Sabrina- (Cont.) James, a little help?!

James- Okay, but they’re gonna do this for free down at the precinct.

He pulls out his camera and starts taking her photo.

Int. Scorch Magazine. The next morning. Sabrina arrives.

Sabrina- Morning, Cole.

Cole- Hey, how ya doin’, Sabrina? How’s it going?

He quickly starts removing anything valuable from his desk.

Sabrina- So you’ve heard.

Cole- I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Sabrina heads for the kitchen area passing two girls at the conference table who both get a firmer grip on their handbags and the guy at the counter stuffs the remaining half of his bear claw into his mouth when he sees her arrive. That’s too much.

Sabrina- (Calling out) I’m innocent!

Annie comes out of her office.

Annie- Just so you know, I just got off the phone with our publisher about your little escapade. He screamed for five minutes.

Sabrina- He's pretty upset, huh?

Annie- He was... getting a deep tissue massage, but for some reason he wont let me fire you. It’s like you have some kind of spell on him.

Sabrina- I don’t! Oh wait, hang on... No, I really don’t!

Annie- You know, you are very lucky you are not in jail right now.

Sabrina- Yeah, ‘cause I’d really hate to miss the fall colours. (On Annie’s look) Sorry. Thanks for getting me off the hook.

Annie- Yeah, well you are on borrowed time.

Sabrina- I was set up! She pretended to be my friend! She’s a much better actor in real life than she is on the screen.

Annie ignores her and goes back to her office.

Cole- Can I just give you some advice? Journalism rule number one: Never get too close to your subject. Rule number two: Never shoplift on company time.

Sabrina- (Dismayed) You actually think I stole something?

Cole- Sabrina, it’s cool. Everyone knows what Jonathon pays you. You do what you gotta do.

Sabrina- Okay, first: I didn’t do... and second: Everyone knows what I make?

Cole- Yeah... but hang in there, Congress is gonna raise it next year.

She spots James working at the Xerox machine.

Sabrina- James! Hey, you were there with me. You know I didn’t steal anything, right?

James- Hey-hey, relax. Just ignore them, okay. You and I both know what happened. Besides, the camera don’t lie.

Sabrina- Thanks.

He reaches down and picks up what he was photocopying.

James- Ha-ha! It came out a way better than I thought.

Sabrina takes it from him and looks down at a pretty good black and white photo of her arrest at the boutique.

Sabrina- James?!... Hey, I’ve never been a bad girl before... I look kinda hot.

Int. Spellman living room. Morgan enters to find her elderly workforce sitting around watching TV. Salem is being fussed over by May.

Morgan- I don’t hear sewing machines. Come on ladies, back to work.

She picks up the TV remote and turns the set off.

Mildred- But we were watching our stories!

Morgan- Yeah, yeah. (Under her breath) You’ll be seeing the guiding light soon enough. (Aloud) Come on, let’s go.

She hustles them into the dining room just as Sabrina enters via the front door.

Morgan- (Cont.) What are you doing home?

Sabrina- I had to leave work. I wanted a peaceful lunch without people leering at me like I’m going to steal their pickle.

Morgan- Sabrina. Sabrina, do you understand the consequences of your actions?

Not only does Sabrina not understand the consequences of her actions, she also doesn’t have a clue as to what Morgan is talking about.

Morgan- (Cont.) What if Babette Storm found out that we were roommates and decided not to wear my dress to her press conference?

Sabrina- (Sarcastic) Oh I’m sorry, Morgan. I was only thinking of myself!

Morgan- Thank God you had me as a roll-model.

Morgan twills on her toes and goes off to supervise her sweatshop in the dining room leaving Sabrina open mouthed and speechless... Which is how Roxie finds her when she enters wearing a white T-shirt with ‘FREE SABRINA’ emblazoned across the front.

Roxie- Hey, there’s my favourite cause.

Sabrina- Oh Roxie, thank you. I can’t believe you went out and had a T-shirt made up just for me.

Roxie- Actually, I’ve had it since I was a kid. It used to say WILLIE, but I scraped it off. That’s how much I believe in you.

Sabrina- Well it could be worse, I suppose. It could say ‘Spay and neuter your Sabrina’

Roxie- Come on, Sabrina! Get even with this cheap tramp actress! Call up the news stations! Post the truth on her website!

Sabrina- Maybe you’re right. Maybe she has some other deep, dark secret I could dredge up.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina sits at the table in front of her laptop with Salem at her side.

Sabrina- Here she is. Look at this. Four years ago she was arrested for shoplifting. Whoa! How do you steal a tanning bed?... Oh, first she stole a truck.

Salem- Hm?

Sabrina- The charges were dropped, but I bet I could use all this to force a confession from Babette. Where is she now?

She tipity-taps on her keyboard for a moment before pointing and the screen image jumps up to stand in mid air. It shows a caravan with a large, gold star on it’s door and a directors chair outside.

Sabrina- Look, it’s the trailer from her movie set.

Salem- And there she is.

Babette, made up to look like Elly May Clampett, comes into view with a satellite dish under her arm.

Salem- (Cont.) What’s she doin’?

Babette looks around furtively before slipping inside.

Sabrina- What do you think? She’s stealing cable.

She points at herself and vanishes in a swirl of sparkles.

Salem- Hm?

Ext. Babette’s film set. Out of thin air, and the odd sparkle or two, Sabrina materialises in front of Babette’s trailer. Without hesitation she wraps on the door.

Babette- (OS) Just leave my lunch and go.

Sabrina- No, I’m here to talk.

The door opens.

Babette- Oh, it’s you.

Sabrina- What are we doing, Heehaw, the movie?

Babette- Ready to apologise?

Sabrina- Apologise? I was trying to keep you from getting into trouble. Now everyone thinks I’m a thief and a liar... and an ‘A’ cup.

Babette- I was stealing that bra for my sister.

Sabrina- Look, you think just because you’re a big star laws don’t apply to you, Carla Bernstein. Well, y’know, you could have got me fired. You could have ruined my career and I am fully capable of doing that on my own.

Babette- (Smiling) Look, I-I-I didn’t mean to get you in trouble. (Taking out her cell phone) Would it help if I called your boss and set everything straight?

Sabrina- Actually, that would be great... and, while you’re at it, could you tell her that you’ll let me do a feature on you for the magazine and, you know, you never did buy me that blouse.

Babette- Let’s start with your boss.

She hands Sabrina her phone.

Babette- Dial the number and I’ll get on it. I’ll just be in my trailer.

Sabrina- Thank you.

Babette goes inside while Sabrina dials the magazine’s number.

Sabrina- (On phone) Hi Annie, it’s Sabrina... Spellman... The new girl! Look, Babette Storm has something she wants to say to you. Hold on a sec.

She knocks on the trailer door.

Sabrina- Babette!... Babs!... Elly May!

There’s no answer.

Security Guard- Excuse me, ma’am.

Sabrina turns round to find a man-mountain of a security guard standing there.

Security Guard- (Cont.) We just got a call that someone stole Miss Storm’s cell phone. (Gesturing to the phone) Can I see that?

Sabrina- (On Phone) Annie? Yeah, she’ll have to get back to ya.

The guard takes the phone and Sabrina.

Int. Scorch Magazine, Annie’s office. Sabrina is getting a dressing down from her boss.

Annie- You are an embarrassment to this magazine!

Sabrina- In my defence: you thought that before this happened. She set me up! Come on, why would I steal a cell phone? I have my own cell phone with way more minutes than anybody could possibly need. Of course they’re mostly night time and weekend minutes but, y’know, what I really want...

Annie- (Interrupting) Okay, shhh please!

Sabrina- What I’m saying is, I didn’t do it.

Annie- Jonathan has been able to pull a few strings and Miss Storm has agreed not to press charges as long as you get help.

Sabrina- Help?

Int. Boston Civic Centre. The sign on the meeting room door proclaims...

Sabrina files in with various other members of the Christmas naughty list.

Sabrina- Help.

A guy in a suit sees her looking a little lost and comes over.

Cliff- You must be new here. Welcome to Klept-anon, I’m Cliff.

She shakes hand with Sabrina and a label tag drops from the sleeve of his suit jacket. He quickly tucks it out of sight again.

Cliff- (Cont.) It fell off the wagon at Macy’s on the way here.

Sabrina- Think of it as a hundred percent off sale.

Cliff- Grab yourself some coffee, we’re about to get started.

Sabrina walks to the table and picks up the coffee pot. It’s surprisingly heavy which is likely due to the large chain fixing it to the table. She decides not to bother with a drink and takes a seat with the others, putting her handbag on the floor beside her chair..

Cliff- All right everyone, we have a new member joining our group tonight. (To Sabrina) Um, would you like to introduce yourself?

Sabrina- Hi. I’m Sa... Sabs... Jane Sabs and I definitely not a kleptomaniac.

There’s a ripple of disbelieving mumbling around the group.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I’m not!

Cliff- Jane, we’ve all been in denial but, sooner or later, you’ve got to confront your demons.

Sabrina- Oh, I’ve confronted demons. Big, hairy demons like you’ve never dreamt of, and, right now, the demon I need to confront is Babette Storm.

Cliff- (Excited) You know Babette Storm? I love her. I-I-I’ve been to all of her movies. All right, I snook in but...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) She is a thief and a liar and she was horrible to the submarine captain in that movie ‘Courage under water’ Yeah, well she’s the one who belongs here, I’m gonna prove it.

She reaches down, grabs her bag, jumps up and heads for the door. Then she comes back, hands the bag to its rightful owner; the girl sitting beside her.

Sabrina- Oh sorry. I have one just like it at home, I swear.

She grabs her own bag and leaves.

Int. Spellman dining room. Amongst all the sewing machines and fabric, Salem has found himself a new friend.

May- Hewo wittle Salem. Granny May got you some very special kitty candy.

She puts the sweet down on the table.

Salem- Oh thanks, sweetheart. Oops.

May- Did you just speak?

Salem- Er, no! It’s the dementia setting in.

May- Oh, thank God.

Morgan’s two other slaves, I mean employees, enter and sit down at their machines just before their mistress, I mean employer, enters from the kitchen with Roxie.

Roxie- It’s like a kiln in here! You’re running a sweatshop; these conditions are deplorable!

Morgan- Oh please! It’s good for them. It keeps them sharp. (To one of the old ladies) Er Janet. Don’t eat the thread.

Roxie- Workers have rights too, y’know. (To the old ladies) Come on girls, you don’t have to take this. Let’s stage a walk out!

No one moves.

Morgan- Oh, nice try, rabble-rouser. They’re not walking out on me, I’ve got their support hose.

Int. The press conference for Babette Storms new movie, ‘Never Always’ Babette stands at the rostrum looking beautiful in Morgan’s dress as the cameras flash and the reporters take notes.

Babette- So in sum, I’d say ‘Never Always’ is a story of hope, redemption and love... plus you get to see my buns.

Sabrina enters and pushes her way forward.

Sabrina- Excuse me. Excuse me. Press comin’ through!

Reporter #1- (Looking down at her) We’re all press.

Sabrina- (Looking up at her) Okay. Then shortest to the tallest!

Sabrina squeezes passed the tall reporter and slips into a seat, taking out her note book.

Reporter #2- You always seem to bring out the best in your co-stars. How do you do it?

Babette- Acting is like life. I always try to give more than I take.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Give me a break. (Standing)(Aloud) I’ve got a question: are you a shoplifter?

Babette- Anyway, I’ve played many different roles and preparing for them is always about the search for truth. Kinda how I live my life.

Sabrina- Egh! Anybody got a shovel?

Reporter #2- (To Sabrina) Could ya sit down!

Sabrina- (Sitting down)(Under her breath) Okay, it’s time for some straight answers. Miss the mumbles scream and shout, let the honest truth come out.

She points at Babette and sits back

Reporter #1- What was it like working with the up and coming star, Billy Pate?

Babette- Oh a dear-dear person... aside from his limited acting skills and his unlimited body odour.

Sabrina- (Standing again) Um, is it true that you stole several garments from the Monique store?

Babette- I cannot tell a lie... for some inexplicable reason. Yes. Yes, I did.

Sabrina- And, on Thursday, did you put clothes in my bag after I warned you that I was a reporter doing a story about your shoplifting?

Babette- Er guilty.

All the reporters, whose heads had been turning backwards and forwards like spectators at a tennis match turned expectantly to Sabrina.

Sabrina- That’s all I’ve got.

But it’s not all they’ve got. They crowd around Sabrina with notebooks, recorders and cameras poised.

Reporter #1- What else can tell us about Miss Storm?

Sabrina- Sorry. Journalism rule number one: never give up an exclusive story.

Reporter #1- I thought rule number one was never get too close to...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Okay! So I haven’t memorised all the rules.

She pushes her way out as the rest of the press turn and converge on Babette.

Int. Scorch Magazine. Annie, James and Cole are stood around Sabrina’s desk as she explains.

Sabrina- ...And then I said ‘Sorry, never give up an exclusive interview’ and I ran right here.

James- Yeah, we know.

Cole- The press conference was web cast.

James turns on Sabrina’s computer.

Sabrina- Really?

Annie- D’you wanna see what you missed by running here with your exclusive?

Sabrina- Oh my God, Billy Pate showed up?

She looks at the screen that shows the reporters crowded around Babette.

Babette- The lead in the film was originally Julia Roberts but I gave her food poisoning, forcing her to bow out at the last minute. I also cheat on my taxes... and my husband... and I altered my father’s will when I found out he left all his money to charity.

Annie- You see how your shoplifting story kind o’ pales compared to this? Nice going.

She turns and walks away.

Sabrina- (To Cole and James) Don’t hate me because I’m her favourite. (On Cole’s look) What, you’ve got another rule for me?

Cole- Well since you asked. Journalism rule number four: Never yell ‘Stop the presses’ unless your stuck in them.

Sabrina- I guess I really blew it.

Cole- Look, your instincts were right, you broke a big story. You just broke it for twenty other writers. You’re gonna do great.

He goes back to his desk

James- Hey listen, I had a rough start too. I mean, it took Annie about a year before she stopped pickin’ on me.

Sabrina- What changed?

James- You showed up.

He walks off grinning.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Finally! Someone appreciated me.

Int. Spellman dining room. Morgan and Roxie walk in to find it somewhat devoid of busy little seamstresses.

Roxie- Now that all your workers walked out, how are you gonna fill your orders?

Morgan- Oh I found even cheaper labour.

The pair walk on into the kitchen, passing on the way one sewing machine that seems to be working all by itself. Down below the table we find that it is, in fact, pussy power that is driving it. Salem presses down on the peddle again.

Salem- <Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob!> Wait till PETA hears about this! <Sob!>

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