A showdown between Dashiell and Harvey is interrupted when aunts Hilda and Zelda freeze the boys to announce that Sabrina has at last qualified for her witch's license, which will grant her universal knowledge. When the overjoyed Sabrina travels to the other realm license bureau to collect her prize, she is dismayed to learn that she is not allowed to use it yet not until she discovers her "family secret" (a quest which will presumably keep her busy throughout the third season). Her first clue comes in the form of the license clerk, who is actually her extremely bad-tempered cousin Doris, and in her unfortunate attempt to resolve her divided feelings with a spell which transforms the boys' rivalry for her into a full-fledged surreal duel to the death. Only when her cousin Doris is about to zap Harvey does Sabrina instinctively reveal who she really loves. (Guess it's bye-bye to Dashiell. Pity: ABC got points from me for allowing romance to develop without any mention of the fact that the character was black.) Meanwhile, Hilda cheerfully allows Zelda to ask Mr. Kraft for a date, then finds that she is jealous; and Salem causes mayhem by insulting his Russian Internet chess opponent Yuri, who turns up looking for revenge.

rc: Gordie

Sabrina gets a lesson in the perils of magic when she tries to help Valerie overcome an embarrassing moment but discovers that the spell has only transferred Valerie's embarrassment to her, magnified. (This plot line bears a strong resemblance to an early Roseanne episode, "Bird is the Word," which was briefly notorious as primetime television's first explicit fart joke. Ah, cultural history....) Meanwhile, Salem becomes convinced that a kiss from a beautiful lady veterinarian will break the spell that made him a cat; and Zelda has to put up with her own humiliation when Hilda hangs her sister's ears up to dry and accidentally stretches them to elephantine proportions.

rc: Roland the Troll, Gordie

Sabrina gets jealous when Mr. Kraft's assignment calls for the students to pair up and pretend to be married and Libby makes sure that Harvey is her partner. After Harvey utters the dreaded words "Don't you trust me?", Sabrina gives in to Salem's advice (when will she learn?) and hires a detective: none other than Roland the Troll in a new career move (who takes his fee in minutes of hand-holding). Naturally, Roland sets out to manufacture evidence that will turn Sabrina against Harvey. Meanwhile, a bewildered Gordie is assigned as Sabrina's practice mate but can't seem to keep her attention and the green-eyed monster strikes Hilda when Zelda dates Mr. Kraft but refuses to give Hilda any details. (Just as well, as it turns out: their idea of romantic activity is to challenge each other to name the satellites of Jupiter in order of carbon content.)

Trouble brews between best friends when Valerie becomes eager to try out for cheerleading, even though Sabrina can't stand the squad's pom-pompous participants. Visiting Cousin Mortimer, an embarrassingly inept "wagician," who has promises to help Sabrina find a clue to the family secret, encourages Sabrina to use a magic coin to change Val's mind for her. Meanwhile, Salem decides to become the male of the household by repairing all the household applicances, and reduces them to rubble, and when Mortimer tries to help, he accidentally makes Salem disappear. Sabrina tries to make up by helping Valerie with her tryout, and her clumsiness certainly makes her friend look better; and tries to help Cousin Mortimer by getting him a gig entertaining at Harvey's little brother's birthday party except Mortimer makes the little boy disappear. All turns out well in the end, but the puzzle clue Mortimer leaves behind isn't terribly helpful.

Note: Haven't we been told that witches can't directly influence mortals' thoughts and feelings? And is there a less funny comic performer in the mortal realm that Dom DeLuise?

rc: Mrs. Quick, Dr. Brickman

Sabrina makes a glutton of herself at school after tasting a substance that causes hopeless addiction in her family: pancakes. Meanwhile, because she never properly filled out her immigration forms for the mortal world, Hilda is deported back to the northern Other Realm, a sort of cross between Canada and the Klondike.

NOTE: This is an exceptionally silly and unfunny episode; are we seriously expected to believe that the sight of Sabrina strung out on maple syrup will convince teenagers to give up dope?

A thoroughly ridiculous Halloween episode finds Aunts Hilda and Zelda having run out excuses (after 500 consecutive years) not to attend their Aunt Beulah's Halloween party which, unknown to them, turns out to be in an insane asylum from which there is no escape. Meanwhile, Valerie has invited Justin and Harvey to Sabrina's to watch scary videos together. It turns out that they got to the video shop late and could only get The Bridges of Madison County, but the foursome doesn't lack for thrills, since the "Molly Dolly" Aunt Beulah sent Sabrina is a witch doll that takes over the house and lets real monsters loose inside. Robbed of their powers, Hilda and Zelda are trapped in a mad experiment to exchange their brains with those of two chickens; but when Sabrina arrives desperate for help, Aunt Beulah explains that the whole evening is one big practical joke. Unreassured, Harvey, Valerie and Justin head for the hills.

NOTE: Aunt Beulah and her cohorts are of course played by veterans of the '60s variety spoof Laugh-In. But how could they have Joanne Worley co-star and not have her accuse the sub-plot of being a "chicken joke"?

Is money the secret of happiness? Salem certainly thinks so, as he moves from playing poker with a quarter of dog friends to taking on the number one gambler of the Other Realm, Diamond Dave LaRouche, who famously never loses. Meanwhile, Libby shows off (and tempts Harvey) with the new red convertible her father bought her, while Sabrina sulks about having to take the bus to the school field trip because her aunts (who have just paid off their mortgage) insist she is still too immature for a car. But she gets her chance to drive when Hilda, Zelda and Sabrina become servants because Salem has lost them to Diamond Dave, who is overjoyed at having three new indentured females: cook Zelda, maid Hilda, and chauffeur Sabrina. Since they have no powers in Dave's house, the three witches plot an escape involving a sleeping potion, hoping that Salem will rescue them but the irresponsible feline doesn't show up until he has run out of food. Sabrina bets everything on a board game with Diamond Dave, and loses; then Hilda accidentally decks the gambler and discovers he was playing with loaded dice. Free again, her aunts reward Sabrina with a "loaner" Porsche for the evening, with Harvey in the passenger seat and Libby far behind in the dust.

rc: Mrs. Quick, Gordie

When her impressive academic achievements fail to bring deserved accolades, Sabrina casts a "just desserts" spell on her teachers and friends: one bite of the conjured cake will make sure she is appreciated. But Sabrina scarfs down the entire confection, and is then caught in a nightmarish permanent Sabrina appreciation fast until she agrees to eat "humble pie" and let thanks go to Gordie and the other students who worked hard on behalf of underprivileged orphans. Meanwhile, Zelda, who is miffed at the cool reception her brilliant mathematical proof has received in the Other Realm, discovers she is the proud owner of a fiefdom there, and visiting cousin-turned-emperor Larry threatens war when she refuses to surrender it to him, having discovered she likes being catered to by adoring peasants until she too discovers that being praised no matter what you do is no real fun.

NOTE: Perhaps it's because Hilda was off being a Hollywood Square, or because I watched this episode in a cheap motel after a 12-hour drive, but this episode struck me as forced, didactic and unfunny right down to the don't blink or you'll miss them 5-second cameos.

rc: Mrs. Quick

Rivalry between Libby and Sabrina moves onto a whole new scale in this parody of the '60s science fiction film Fantastic Voyage. After Salem munches through a mountain of cereal boxes to win a replica of the first Other Realm interplanetary vehicle, he discovers it's only a model, then accidentally gets himself and Sabrina miniaturized inside the craft which a terrified Sabrina manages to pilot up Libby's nose and into her brain. While Hilda tries to help from outside, Sabrina must take over control of Libby's brain functions while resisting the temptation to force Libby to concede defeat and allow Sabrina's scheme of poetry readings rather than Libby's inauguration of a new throne for the Homecoming Queen (guess who?). Meanwhile, Hilda's jealousy over Zelda's continuing affair with Mr. Kraft prompts her to order a box of magic chocolates which will have the effect of magnifying all of Mr. Kraft's many faults in Zelda's eyes.

Sabrina and Harvey decided to compete against Libby and her boyfriend for the title of cutest teen couple, but when Sabrina proves squeamish about her much-admired cousin Susie's classic wart-covered, green-faced witch appearance, Susie decides to teach her a lesson about inner beauty by making Harvey regress into a hump-backed, hirsute, snarling Neanderthal. Meanwhile, Salem's efforts to whip Hilda into top physical shape are thwarted by an evil stair-climbing machine which leads the household appliances in a paramilitary coup against the terrified cat.

rc: Mrs. Quick

Despite a warning from the Witches Council to avoid "charitable magic," Sabrina can't resist trying to liven up an unbelieveably tedious evening with Valerie's dysfunctional family by granting a wishbone wish. Unfortunately, what Valerie's parents wished for was that Valerie could be more like Sabrina, and she suddenly is - in fact, she begins turning into Sabrina, including getting kissed by Harvey and acquiring magical powers. Meanwhile, Salem has begun a painting career but needs Hilda to pretend to be the artist in order to market them to a local gallery. Hilda sees this as an opportunity to impress her new boyfriend Brock, then discovers that Salem has tried to send the value of the paintings up by announcing the death of the artist.

NOTE: After some extremely lackluster episodes, the show gets back on track with this generally delightful entry. Notice how Salem's art quickly evolves through the major movements of 20th century painting...

Zany cousin Zsa Zsa visits, annoying Zelda with the childish practical jokes she shares with Hilda until Zsa Zsa suggests the sisters try her magic "walk-a-mile-in-my-shoes" booties, which switch their personalities: Hilda becomes a goal-driven stickler while Zelda sits a distinguished visiting scientist on a whoopee cushion. There's a more serious consequence to Zsa Zsa's visit: Sabrina is worried about Harvey's lack of ambition (he's decided to become a mechanic instead of going to college) and appeals to her cousin's line of personality-enhancing cosmetics. But she gives Harvey an overdose of the (foul-smelling) stuff and he turns into a corporate monster bent on destroying the town - and the school - in pursuit of profit.

NOTE: This show is developing the dreaded Bewitched syndrome: an apparently endless series of witch relatives played by uncomfortable and unfunny guest stars. On the positive side, we get to see Harvey in the shower, and there's a wonderful visual realization of the old "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?" joke - though I wonder how many of the younger viewers will understand that tobacco was indeed once sold in a can?

Sabrina and Hilda are disturbed, not to say grossed out, by the growing intimacy between Zelda and Mr. Kraft, especially when he moves into the apartment over the garage while his own house is being renovated. (Sabrina: "We don't have an apartment over the garage." Zelda: "We do now! (zap!)" ) They try to sabotage the relationship by conjuring up Mr. Kraft's ex-wife Lucy, and are astonished to discover that she is a witch who married him only in order to get a passport out of her native region of the Other Realm. Lucy quickly puts her ex under her spell again with a potion, and Sabrina and Hilda find themselves forced to help Zelda win Mr. Kraft back - on an episode of The Jerry Springer Show. Meanwhile, Harvey tries to find an appropriate gift for Sabrina and accepts Valerie's suggestion of a surprise trip to a photographer, only to discover that Sabrina has a black eye as a result her exposure to the Springer show.

NOTE: Guest Gillis reprises her role as the Witch Judge from previous episodes.

Hilda has forgotten to tell Zelda that their magic is due for a twenty-five-year tune-up, so they must both surrender their powers for a few days, leaving Sabrina "the most powerful woman in the house" temporarily. But her delight in her new status doesn't last after Valerie persuades her to sneak into a new nightclub to hear 'N Sync perform. The fake IDs they purchase are laughable, so Sabrina takes Salem's suggestion to buy new ones in the Other Realm. (When will she learn not to listen to that cat?) Trouble is, there's an automatic punishment for magic fake IDs: until she returns them, Sabrina's magic also becomes fake. This is a problem, because in searching for a heritage board upon which Sabrina is to display the clues to the family secret, her aunts discover a trio of pirates who have been prisoners in the attic for a century. The witch code of ethics demands that the two must attempt to civilize the pirates before releasing them - easier said than done for two magic-less witches, especially when the pirates intercept their tuned-up magic and use it themselves against Sabrina. Meanwhile, Salem has accidentally broken the display board while playing with its tassels, and struggles to put it back together before Hilda and Zelda find out.

Cupid threatens to banish Sabrina to the Other Realm unless she manages to bring a couple together for Valentine's Day; and Hilda and Zelda try to resolve their jealousy over Mr. Kraft by cloning him.

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